Betrayal to betrayal of discord
Before you start looking for a solution, it is worth understanding the essence of the problem. Betrayal by a man or woman, as well as its perception, can take many forms. To be honest, not all actions perceived by one of the partners in an extremely harsh form are so terrible.
A far-fetched reason. If you remain faithful to honesty, then there is no doubt that a person can be labeled a traitor for absolutely no reason, when the main goal is to attract attention to oneself and subsequently build a system of manipulation. And you shouldn’t “blink your eyes” in surprise and indignantly ask “how can you think that?” Some people are surprisingly cunning and know how to cleverly pull off a little intrigue, in their opinion, for the sake of the family. But just don’t forget where the road paved with good intentions leads.
Ideological differences. In some couples, a situation may occur when people who came together at one time on the basis of the same or similar worldview. Over time, and this is no secret, people change - and therefore one of the partners, changing the “camp”, can unwittingly cause a serious offense to the other half, who, if the commitment to the idea is still strong, will perceive such a step solely as a betrayal.
The word is not a knife, but it cuts. A certain category of people does not accept certain words, usually of an offensive or sarcastic nature, even when said in jest. As a result, an inaccurately expressed opinion, insult or phrase is perceived as a serious offense, which is felt the more acutely the closer people are to each other.
Emotional and sensual affairs. It is not necessary, by the way, that they will lead to betrayal, but “owners” can even take a kiss on the cheek as an act of betrayal. This also includes “drunken adventures”, when in the heat of an alcoholic revelry a person shows too unambiguous signs of attention to another (up to the beginning of foreplay, even if it does not turn into sex), or simply behaves too affectionately with someone else, which in the eyes of a “devotee” it looks like something more than friendly communication.
Treason. Actually, the very essence of betrayal, as it might seem at first glance. But you shouldn’t rush to conclusions, because everything always depends on the circumstances. Some couples do not consider going to courtesans or gigolos to be treason, while others do not make any distinction and perceive any sexual intercourse “on the side” solely as a vile betrayal.
The question of how to forgive betrayal is discussed in the article.
The path after the shock
The awareness of infidelity is different for everyone, although the pain is always the same. Someone, after 30 years of marriage, will decide to turn a blind eye to a fleeting relationship for the sake of children and old age together. Another will not tolerate recognition of registration on a dating site. The third will be caught up in the vicissitudes of hearing a confession from her mistress about a year-and-a-half affair with her husband.
All these women will be united by going through eight psychological stages. The speed of passage is always individual. We tend to experience stress according to a certain system, protecting ourselves from more severe injuries. You need to go through them gradually, that’s how the psyche works.
Conquer yourself or how to forgive your loved one? 2
Generally speaking, the key point here needs to be determined. Is it really “beloved”? Because, as you know, love is blind, and therefore offense can be attributed to one’s own shortcomings and forgiven before it has time to take root in the heart of a devotee.
However, if disappointment and a vile feeling of betrayal exist, then, strictly speaking, there are exactly two ways to solve the problem.
The first, surprisingly, is forgiveness. For, as philosophers said, sincere forgiveness can teach the offender a lesson much better than revenge. After all, a partner who has been caught cheating or otherwise offended awaits punishment, reproach, and revenge, since this is a normal phenomenon for him. Perhaps he is counting on a more severe blow to himself. But not for forgiveness.
However, you should not use this method partly. In general, forgiveness is a one-time thing, because you can “turn the other cheek” only once, and then those cheeks will run out. For forgiveness, granted constantly, creates the illusion of permissiveness and impunity, with all the ensuing consequences.
The second method, again obvious, is separation. Yes, there is no doubt that this will bring mental pain. But it will be the same as the pain from a fresh cut - it will hurt, but will gradually subside, and the wound will heal. In most cases, I must say, this is the best option, especially if the offense was deliberately inflicted.
Algorithm of actions
Step 1: Accepting Emotions
After the truth is revealed, the first stage begins - shock and disbelief, acting like a tub of ice water. Usually experienced more acutely than others. It can last for several days, it can subside after a few minutes, it depends on the internal psychological balance. But since you are looking for the answer to the question “should I forgive?”, you should not dwell on it for long, because the disbelief has already passed, and the guy’s betrayal is realized.
The second stage is blaming yourself. Its task is to establish control by transferring part of the responsibility to the victim. The point is to share the severity of guilt, and the possibility of independently correcting what happened, through changes in behavior, hairstyle, and habits. Self-examination begins, accusations of inattention and busyness begin. Its duration may take a couple of hours or several weeks. The timing will be influenced by internal experiences preceding the fatal event.
Advice! Do not confuse the body's reaction to an injury with a guide to action.
And the last, most dangerous attack of emotions awaits at the third stage - aggression against the traitor. It’s good if the person who betrayed your feelings is not around. The body tries to save the screaming soul from “burnout” by redirecting anger to another object. Aggression can develop into revenge, and then be reflected in a terrible aftertaste. Having slept with a random man, attacked your mistress, cursed, the situation will remain the same, only a feeling of guilt will appear for the rest of your life. Uncontrolled immersion in emotions, “freezing” leads to psychosis. It is from this period that psychotherapists have to pull girls out.
Advice! Try to isolate yourself from communication with the traitor, “save face” by restraining outbursts of anger.
Step 2. Understanding the cause
During a period of aggression, try to analyze what is happening. Try to understand your psychological state. The search for the root cause is another psychological stage, and not at all a reason to look for excuses for the offender. Psychologists traditionally look for reasons in childhood traumas or attitudes given by parents. Having figured it out, you will understand the further actions of your loved one and the possibility of hiding constant betrayals.
So, if one of the above scenarios applies, get ready for a relapse:
- neurotic need for love due to lack of attention from the mother or its critical lack;
- an overabundance of love at an early age from grandmothers and parents, which led to a pathological dependence on female attention.
Is everything okay with your childhood? There is a chance that the connection was one-time. It remains to understand what motivated the beloved:
- loss of interest in your beloved, associated with addiction, saturation of one image;
- the search for new emotions is typical for a long-term marriage with a monotonous and predictable everyday life;
- due to excess alcohol - cheating while drunk is a common occurrence among guys, usually sobering up brings sincere repentance;
- flirting at work is a common situation; constantly spending time together, joint business trips and corporate events can shake the family institution;
- memories come flooding back - sex with an ex-wife for some men does not count at all; if this is the case, it is better to first discuss what infidelity means for each.
Step 3. Forgive or say goodbye
When the fervor of the first passions has subsided, the root cause of infidelity has been clarified, the time comes for the fourth stage - “what will happen next?” Fear of the unknown future, the collapse of the usual way of life leads to a feeling of emptiness. Determine for yourself: Is it worth continuing the relationship? Is it possible to still live with a guy knowing about cheating? Forgive or say goodbye forever, drawing conclusions for the future?
Of course, if the relationship is at the very beginning, it is easier to break up. If you have years of love and joint property behind you, carefully weigh the pros and cons. Psychologists advise using a notepad with a pen for this purpose, for clarity. But the main argument should be deep repentance. According to statistics, families in which spouses were able to survive betrayal, where the partner realized his guilt, the relationship only becomes stronger.
If at this stage you are together, the likelihood of maintaining the union increases. The next stage is approaching - the desire to reach the starting point. The urge to return to the relationship that preceded the betrayal is incredibly strong. There comes a realization of forgotten love, lost over time. The emotions are so strong that a new “honeymoon” begins. Sometimes a partner deliberately commits adultery in order to stir up the feelings of a passion.
Step 4. Acceptance of what happened
The fact that you have reached this stage together does not mean that everything is over. The craving for psychological calm is only a feature of the body. Endless anxiety about the possibility of repeating the betrayal a second time will begin to creep in more and more often. The interrogations and disbelief begin. The next stage begins - the realization that the past cannot be returned. A new milestone in life, building trust, understanding, depends entirely on the patience and desire of both to be together.
Typically these five stages take at least six months. As a result, emotional swings and a stressful state lead to indifference. If a man stays, the cooling-off time comes; if he leaves, attempts to return him will fade away. The stage is called exhaustion. There is no need to make fatal decisions; it is better to spend unemotional time on internal reflection. Now you can understand for sure that if you love a guy, you can forget the pain, but is betrayal worth forgiveness?
It's time to realize that your partner is not ideal, start seeing him for who he really is. Stop waiting for drastic changes. If there is no acceptance of guilt, your torment remains unnoticed, it is better to separate. The world is not limited to one person. There is still love ahead, although the relationship will be different. Not as passionate as under 18, but more mature and experienced.
Step 5. Restoration and transformation
The final stage is stabilization, making the only right decision. If the couple has separated, all that remains is to let go of the pain and start creating a new life. If the marriage is saved, the wife already knows exactly her position, and both partners accepted it. But the conclusions have been drawn, which means there is no need to plunge into the everyday swamp again.
It's time to transform, let go of the past forever. Love yourself, start what you have been putting off for a long time. If you previously sacrificed yourself for the sake of others, become more selfish. Spend time on your appearance and figure. If you are too free, think about whether you are ready to change your principles for his sake? Transforming into a better copy of yourself is important; it makes you breathe meaning into what is happening. You can forgive a guy for cheating even after a breakup; it’s hardly worth carrying such a burden years later.
How to prevent and how to solve the problem intelligently? 3
In fact, if both partners have a head on their shoulders, then the majority of all conflict situations are resolved “at the negotiating table,” and, as a rule, long before they rise to their full height.
Generally speaking, even after the fact, a reasonable solution would be not to isolate yourself within yourself on your own suffering, but a small scene with a couple of broken plates (to let off steam) and a subsequent dialogue, during which the offended person needs not only to pull himself together, but also to take the initiative , identify the reasons that prompted the partner to betray, his motivation.
Not only will such a change in behavior drive the offender into a stupor, but it will also allow a few quickly and sharply asked questions to obtain a certain minimum required level of information. The essence of the method is that the betrayer, “unsettled” by behavior radically different from what was expected, will simply “on autopilot” answer the truth or something as close to it as possible.
Why you need to forgive
The attitude towards insults inflicted on different people also has serious differences. Someone makes plans for revenge and puts them into practice, someone becomes disappointed in people, and someone else begins to blame themselves for everything. What is common in all cases is that a person begins to accumulate negative emotions, which lead to unpleasant consequences.
❶ Resentment is constant stress and the most common cause of diseases called psychosomatic. These are diseases that arise without objective medical reasons, but solely as a result of negative experiences. They cannot be cured with medications - the symptoms will return again until the provoking factor is eliminated.
❷ “Warming up” emotions associated with experienced insults requires a lot of energy, as a result of which a person experiences a constant lack of vitality, feels weak and apathetic.
❸ Offended people live in the past, constantly replaying situations associated with pain or insult, which prevents them from moving forward.
Any negativity, including those associated with past grievances, prevents a person from enjoying life and contributes to the development of depression, which can cause serious psychological problems.
For the desperate and “hot heads” 4
But how to forgive a loved one if nothing helps? What to do if the situation, sorry, is like a cat and sausages in a puddle - it’s disgusting to eat and it’s a pity to throw it away? Here, in fact, all that remains is to try to forget and come to terms with it. How?
Throw yourself into work, bury yourself in household chores, concentrate all your tenderness on children or pets, vent to your trusted and trusted friends, just get drunk once (but only once), following the traditional Russian way of losing yourself in courage, driving your suffering as deep as possible, but knowing full well that after the party they will return with renewed vigor. In general, in any way to distract yourself and not savor your own feelings of resentment and self-pity - anything like that, but not revenge.
For revenge always hits harder on the one who bears it than on the one to whom it is directed, destroying the very soul of a person, leaving behind not satisfaction, but devastation, which is already orders of magnitude more difficult to cope with.
