Silent people: reasons, features of personality psychology

02/10/2019 Zoryan Freidovich Psychology In our environment, we very often meet people with different personalities and temperaments. Some behave brightly and expressively, gathering other people around their active personality, while others shun society to some extent, behave with restraint and aloofness. As a rule, it is quite difficult to establish contact and interact with such people. But in order to understand exactly how to approach communication with a silent person, you need to know what reason lies behind his detachment. It could either be something personal or just a personality type.


Among the many bright, sociable people, there are very often quiet and silent ones. The fact that a person does not like to speak out in a company and is not eager to communicate with everyone he meets does not make him somehow wrong or boring. Often the most silent people are very erudite and interesting interlocutors.

The characteristics of such people are often striking and can cause some misunderstanding in society. For example, such people are characterized by a certain coldness, even detachment; they are extremely laconic in communication and limit themselves to monosyllabic phrases.

There are many reasons why a person may be silent. This can be either a type of character or a certain type of incident that happened in his life. Therefore, it is recommended to be as tactful as possible with silent people.

Share an example

Another way to encourage a quiet interlocutor to be frank is storytelling. Tell him a story - no matter from your own or someone else's life: it could be a book or even a conventionally invented story that illustrates your idea. During the course of your story, your counterpart inevitably develops associations; his brain throws up a scattering of stories from his own life and encourages him to share them. And this is exactly what you need.

Please note that in an ordinary conversation, the phrases of the interlocutors often begin with the words “and I” or “and we”... This is especially noticeable in children, remember Mikhalkov: “And we have gas in our apartment...” In adults, this formula is veiled, but in essence in the same way: everyone strives to tell about themselves: take a closer look sometime.

Reasons for silence

There are many reasons why a person is silent, as mentioned above. As a rule, the most common of them is a certain type of character. Often people with a phlegmatic type of temperament are distinguished by calmness, measuredness, thoughtfulness and, as a result, silence.

Also, the reasons for this behavior can be much deeper. For example, many complexes that are formed from childhood through certain psychological traumas or incorrect behavior of parents or the environment give rise to shyness, self-doubt and fear of communicating with others. Such people subsequently suffer from loneliness and experience many problems in interacting with society. To overcome this factor, which significantly worsens a person’s psychological state and in a certain way affects the quality of his life, it is necessary to seek help from a specialist psychologist.

What to do if you don't want to communicate?

The advice of psychologists will help you understand the reasons for your own reticence and find a way out of this situation.

With friends

It is important to distinguish acquaintances from friends. The former appear naturally during various social activities, the latter we introduce into our immediate environment and purposefully maintain communication due to the presence of emotional connections with them.

If your circle of friends is no longer satisfactory, you should think about ending existing contacts and making new connections . Some people constantly change, develop, and move to a new level in the course of their lives. Others remain in one place.

In such situations, the first individuals simply become uninterested in communicating with their old friends, who no longer correspond to their level of development .

Gradually, topics for conversation are exhausted and people move away from each other.

At this time, it is advisable to look for new friends with whom communication will be interesting and rich. Often this happens on its own.

As soon as a person changes his lifestyle, his social circle automatically changes. Accordingly, if you feel rejected by your current friends, you should think about changing your area of ​​living, hobbies, and habits.

The situation is more complicated when we are talking about acquaintances rather than friends. Acquaintances are people we encounter during various social activities. These could be neighbors, classmates, classmates, friends of friends, etc.

Often we cannot avoid contact with these people due to the need to fulfill certain social roles . Accordingly, communication is forced. In this case, it is recommended to try to keep contact to a minimum.

It is important to develop the ability to show kindness, respect, and tolerance towards people even if you do not want to carry on a conversation with them.

As a rule, excessive silence of the opponent leads to a gradual loss of desire to talk with him. Accordingly, communication will naturally be reduced to an acceptable minimum.

With parents

The lack of mutual understanding between parents and children indicates serious intra-family conflicts .

Typically, children do not strive to communicate when parents:

  • show indifference or hostility;
  • suffer from addiction (alcohol, drugs);
  • do not strive to understand and accept their child, his life views and beliefs;
  • oppose the child’s chosen one;
  • showed cruelty in childhood - physical violence, psychological pressure, etc.

If the cause of the conflict lies in childhood traumas experienced, it is possible to correct the situation in adulthood . It is enough to sincerely talk with your parents, tell them about your grievances and suffering. If they show repentance and a desire to atone for their guilt, the problem can be solved.

If the reluctance to communicate is explained by the current conflict situation, then relationships can only be improved by finding a compromise.

Often the parties themselves do not find the strength and desire to build a productive dialogue and resolve the conflict . In this case, you can turn to family specialists who will help resolve contradictions and build a productive dialogue.

It should be noted that there are life circumstances in which reluctance to communicate with parents is completely justified.

Unfortunately, children can face outright cruelty, violence, aggression and selfishness from those closest to them.

If interaction with parents brings only disappointment and stress, you should consider cutting off communication completely .

With relatives

Relatives, like parents, are not chosen. Often the reason for reluctance to communicate with relatives lies in their aggression, indifference or intrusiveness . If communication with family does not bring pleasure, you should reduce it to a minimum.

At the same time, you should not completely stop contact, because no matter what, these people are family members.

The situation may develop in such a way that over time the positions of the parties will change. Words of apology will be heard, after which reconciliation will become possible .

It is advisable, even if you don’t like your relatives, to observe basic rules of decency : congratulate you on holidays, take an interest in your health, and help in difficult life situations. This will allow us not to move into open conflict and maintain hope for reconciliation.

The exception is situations when relatives behave truly vile, hypocritical, and cruel.

For example, they ingratiate themselves in order to obtain an inheritance, appropriate property for themselves, interfere in personal affairs, etc.

In such cases, it is better to completely eliminate contact.


It is also important not to confuse concepts such as silence and isolation. Closedness can be called a state of a person when, due to serious psychological reasons, problems with self-esteem, a person refuses to interact with society. These are slightly different, more serious problems with self-awareness, self-esteem and psychological state.

At that time, a simply uncommunicative person may have only slight complexes about himself, shyness or a certain type of temperament, which in no way prevents him from existing calmly in society.

Ask directly

This is another extreme technique - harsh, but necessary. Just ask the other person directly: I see that you don’t want to talk, maybe there is a reason that I don’t know? Firstly, the hero will look at himself from the outside - perhaps he did not notice that he was so laconic, and will try to answer in more detail. Secondly, the cause may be the most inconspicuous little thing that you could not even think about. Thirdly, it is an open game that commands respect from strong personalities.


The man became silent

The most delicate attitude in communication requires a situation when a cheerful and sociable person suddenly distances himself and becomes secretive. Most likely, the reason for such a sharp change in mood was a certain kind of problem or unpleasant event in his life. In the process of communicating with a person who has suddenly become silent, you need to exercise maximum delicacy and caution. It is necessary to avoid sharp and rude questions about his condition, and carefully talk about family and personal topics. Communication should be built in an easy way, without pressure and rude jokes.

What else hurts conversations?

There is another person sitting opposite you. Another Universe. And it would seem that everything is very simple: just ask questions. Just have a rich conversation. Such that after it something important remains in the soul and in thoughts. And sometimes not only for you, but also for those who watch you from the outside - as happens on television or in a video blog.

But it is precisely at this moment that chronic illnesses become aggravated in conversations: intellectual, of course. We have already discussed one, there are five more most common ones. I diagnosed them by questions that students ask me at seminars. The diagnoses are:

  • Pathological talkativeness: the interlocutor talks too much.
  • No-question syndrome: I have few questions, what should I do?
  • Hyper-questioning syndrome: I have too many questions, what should I choose?
  • Boring: the conversation turns out to be uninteresting...
  • Readiness disorder: how to come up with urgent questions on the go?

Which of these problems are most pressing for you personally? Perhaps some diseases were not included in my list? Write, I will take this into account in a future article.

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Silence, as a rule, is accompanied by a certain number of features that one way or another form a unique type of this category of people. Most often, silence is accompanied by a sad or thoughtful expression on the face; such people most often make an unfavorable impression upon first meeting.

Also, the most characteristic feature of silent people is that they do not like noisy parties and large groups. They mostly communicate in a small circle of people, they have few friends, and they plan their time in a quiet, calm environment. This is the psychology of silent people.

There is also a certain category of people who have this feature due to certain complexes coming from childhood. As a rule, such people are very embarrassed by the fact that they create the impression of being offended or sad, so they constantly apologize for their “inappropriate” mood in an unfamiliar company, which further increases some awkwardness between people.

In a small company of good friends who know such a person quite well, he can behave confidently and openly, communicate a lot on various topics and not show complexes and silence.

Press on the pain point

If all these methods do not work, there are extreme methods that should be used only when truly necessary. Each of us has points of accumulation of dissatisfaction with the world. Society is structured in such a way that most often people have to hide them in order not to look like grumps and haters, maintain good relationships, advance their careers, and so on. The moment of truth comes when you press on a painful point - if you find something that outrages your interlocutor, even the most inveterate silent person will have a lot of words on this topic.

The second name for this technique is “Step on the callus.” You can find a callus by knowing the conflicts that accompanied the life of your interlocutor, the complexities of fate, political views... Be prepared for the fact that you will have to sharply formulate a diametrically opposed point of view - often this is a necessary evil that kicks off the moment of disclosure. And be prepared for the fact that after this the interlocutor will hate you. Decide what is more important to you: disclosure or politeness, frankness or preserving the relationship.

There is only one way to mitigate the effect, it is not infallible, but it is effective: take the position of an arbitrator. You must express opinions not from yourself, but from other people - a conventional or specific group that holds opposing views. This gives you a chance to be frank without ruining the relationship.

How to become a silent person?

In modern realities, the most often valued personality traits are sociability and openness, that is, the ability to freely contact society and make useful acquaintances. However, people who are too open and sociable may encounter a lot of problems related to the fact that, in a fit of revelation, they may tell about themselves or others information that was neither necessary nor desirable to disclose.

Many people faced with this problem ask a completely logical question: how to become more withdrawn and silent. This problem can be solved exclusively by strict self-discipline and self-control. You shouldn’t be too trusting of people you don’t know and let them in on your secrets. When in company, it is advisable to try to control your speech and carefully think about what needs to be said. It is also better to give up a certain amount of alcohol, as this drink encourages unnecessary revelations.

First meeting

The first acquaintance with a silent person is often unsuccessful. During a date or when joining a team, you want to get an idea about the person. But this is difficult if this person does not want to open up.

When you first meet, you should take the lead and confidently lead the conversation, using open-ended questions to elicit details and closed-ended questions to elicit specific answers. Be open and friendly, confident, but not harsh, trying to evoke sympathy and trust from your partner.

You can get answers from secretive people with friendly and calm behavior. Silent people will only tell their secrets if they trust.

Rules in communication

Silent people often store a storehouse of valuable information and are very interesting interlocutors. The main thing is to choose the right approach in communication and create conditions for them in which they will feel comfortable and make contact.

To do this, you need to understand what causes silence. If a person is simply not in the mood today, then most likely it is better not to touch him. And if this is a certain type of character or various types of complexes originating from childhood, then it is necessary to adhere to the tactics of unobtrusive friendly conversation.

You should not be assertive and impudent, this can provoke a silent person to become even more closed. It is also undesirable to ask questions of this kind directly: “Why are you so sad?”, “Why are you silent all the time?” The main thing is not to forget that genuine sincerity and participation will help to establish contact even with the most unsociable person.




This is a technique from the field of the notorious neuro-linguistic programming. As you know, one of the NLP techniques teaches you to repeat the actions of your interlocutor, and then impose your own on him (the description is rough, but understandable). I approach this differently. Adjustment occurs unconsciously if people are on the same wavelength. Hundreds of times I noticed that I was sitting in the same position with my interlocutor, and we changed it at the same time. Which of us is tuned in to whom is not an important question in my case - I don’t impose anything on my hero, I try to understand him better. I offer you the same environmentally friendly approach.

If your counterpart sees that you are not interested in him, that you only need some function from him, he will not experience enough positive emotions for you to share his experience and speak in detail. Listen to a person carefully, try to understand him with all your mind and feelings - and the most gloomy soul will be revealed to you.

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