How to stop being angry: methods and methods of self-improvement, practical exercises, advice from psychologists

2 10521 January 14, 2021 at 11:33 pm Author of the publication: Tatyana Kuzmina, consultant on education abroad

One overtook, another pushed, this one didn’t give enough change, the colleague looked at him wrong, the boss gave the order wrong, the husband chewed dinner wrong, the child folded the books wrong. Apparently, their common desire is for me to go crazy with anger and resentment. How can you not get angry?

How to stop getting irritated and angry when it seems like everyone around you is conspiring to bring you down? System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan will tell you how to cope with irritation for any reason, hatred of a neighbor in a traffic jam, aggression, the desire to call your husband names, yell at a child, be offended for life with your ex, get angry with your mother, slam the door and not talk for years. Do you want to communicate with people without the admixture of these nasty emotions that drain all your life energy?

What's the point?

Are you calm and relaxed now? Then think, what good thing will give you rage or anger? Absolutely nothing but negativity, because at such moments it feels bad not only for you, but also for other people. Especially unjustified anger and aggression can offend and hurt those around you. Any negative emotions, if kept to yourself, will accumulate and thereby provoke serious consequences, which can be expressed in diseases and disorders of the nervous system. So how can you calm down and stop getting angry? You need to learn to do this not even for others, but first of all for yourself.

Letting out emotions

I’ll say right away that the word “calm down” does not work. Especially when it is said at the peak of emotions. Yes, you can calm down long and hard, suppress anger, but then something will be the last straw. And now before us is no longer just an angry person, but an enraged one. So, if you understand that emotions have accumulated, then they need to be brought out. How to do this without causing harm (mental and physical) to yourself and others?

PS The methods have been personally tested. Their essence is the same - to reduce the jumping level of hormones.

  1. Hit the pillow.
  2. Tear up the newspaper.
  3. Scream. Not at someone, but into the emptiness of an endless field and forest. Release your anger.
  4. Clench and unclench your fists.
  5. Do push-ups, run, walk.
  6. Take a deep breath and hold your breath.
  7. Meditate, do auto-training, master self-regulation techniques.
  8. Draw.
  9. Dance.
  10. Clean up your house.
  11. Write your emotions, complaints, describe your condition. You can break a pen or pencil (from the force of pressure), but you must express all the pain on paper. It's good if the letter has an addressee. After this, burn the sheet.
  12. Draw. Any strokes, lines. Create something completely chaotic on the sheet, cross it out. Don't control the pressure. Now look. This is your anger. This black (blue) shapeless (or shaped) spot is your anger. It sits in you. What is this lump of? Grievances? Emptiness? What can this be replaced with or filled in with?

Akin to the advice to calm down is the option of counting to 10. Of course, it helps some, but more often it gives time to accelerate before the flash. Taking a deep breath is a more effective idea. The brain will be saturated with oxygen, the balance of hormones will quickly change, and you will be able to take a sober look at the situation.

“I was choking with anger and hatred. I didn’t hate society—an abstraction invented by worthless sociologists—I hated the entire universe. I wanted to hurt her in revenge for the pain caused to me,” A. Murdoch.

What do you need to do to stop being angry and offended?

The issue of anger and aggression has been studied by psychologists for hundreds of years. That is why it is already possible to identify basic rules that will help you control yourself in the most unforeseen situations. How to stop being angry at people?

  • First you need to learn to identify manifestations of anger at the right moment. This way you can control not only yourself, but also the situation. It is much better if you come to your senses at the beginning of the conflict, which will help resolve it, than in the middle or at the end.
  • Conscious breathing has also not been canceled. Almost everyone knows about this rule, but for some reason no one uses it in practice. Therefore, as soon as you feel that an explosion is about to occur inside you, begin to breathe deeply, controlling each inhalation and exhalation. At the same time, count to 10.
  • It would be a good idea to add affirmations to your life. They work very simply, at the moment when anger goes off scale, just repeat to yourself: “I wish only good things for myself, so why should I be angry? I feel calm and want to live in harmony with myself.” Take a deep breath, drink water, and you will feel the anger gradually subside.
  • Physical activity is your best friend not only in losing weight, but also in controlling your emotions. This may seem strange, but try doing exercises, going for a run, or cleaning in a fit of anger. This way you will switch your attention from emotions to physical stress and quickly forget that you were angry five minutes ago.
  • Hit the pillow! Yes, yes, no matter how funny it may sound, but sometimes you just need to let off steam. It’s good for those who have a punching bag at home, but the most ordinary pillow will be a worthy alternative. In Japan, for example, in large offices they set up a special room with a dummy of the boss, which can be boxed.
  • Anger can also be expressed through creativity. Cool down by drawing or writing a story, just take a piece of paper and draw or describe in words the emotions that overwhelm you.
  • How to cheer yourself up in a matter of minutes and forget about negative emotions? Easy and simple - have a blast! Turn on your favorite music at maximum volume, sing, dance, jump, fool around. In general, do not deny yourself pleasure, and your mood will definitely be much higher.
  • Contrast shower is the solution to all problems. Just imagine for a second that water can wash away all the anger, all the negativity, resentment, and bad mood from you. It will cleanse not only your body, but also your soul.

And don’t forget to tell yourself “thank you” for dealing with the negativity on your own and not taking it out on others.

Awareness of the problem of irritation within yourself

If you often experience anger and irritation, seemingly out of the blue, try asking yourself a few questions:

  1. Is it the person's fault that you are irritated? Perhaps the interlocutor simply cannot formulate his thought correctly and does not want to upset you at all. Try to listen and understand what the person who you think has offended you wants to convey to you. This is better than immediately breaking down and taking communication in a negative direction.
  2. Doesn't the reason lie with you? Increased irritability can be a defensive reaction if you are very insecure.
  3. What do you want from the conversation? Do you like it when people yell and get angry in response? Because this is exactly the reaction your interlocutor will have to your irritation: negativity begets negativity. Do you want this?

The best ways to be calm and not nervous in any situation

How to find the cause of anger?

It often happens that no exercises are needed to cope with negativity at all. It is enough just to identify the cause of anger, and thanks to this you can get rid of negative emotions. If identifying the cause alone is not enough, you should find an opportunity to eliminate this cause and open yourself to positive emotions. The most important thing is to identify the problem as quickly as possible in order to immediately solve what is troubling you. If you don't do this, you will simply continue to be angry without even realizing that the reason may be completely meaningless. This is the first step towards stopping being angry and irritated.

The nature of aggression

Aggression is an irrational state, an emotion generated by our biological instincts: protecting ourselves and our offspring. It is generated by hormones released during a potentially dangerous situation of struggle and confrontation for us. In society, this situation persists and can manifest itself in the following forms:

  • Tendency to dominate people.
  • Uncontrollable desire for destruction.
  • Using others for your own purposes, exploiting their labor.
  • The desire to cause damage.
  • Tendency to violence.

Such manifestations often border on deviant behavior - the desire to break the rules of society. Aggression destroys social relations and the personality of the aggressor. The inability to control one's emotions becomes potentially dangerous for society and the individual.

Aggression may be inherent in temperament - then working on it will be somewhat more difficult. If irritability developed during the development of character, a psychologist can identify the cause and work through it. It is easier to get rid of an acquired trait than to get rid of an innate one.

Did you find the reason? Let's think logically

If the cause of anger is identified, and this is not some momentary weakness, then you will have to ask yourself the right questions to find your way to solve the problem. Psychologists have long found out that anger is an emotional thinking that most often does not make any sense, but at the same time it can play a big role in our lives. All you need to do in order to solve the problem is to start thinking not emotionally, but logically. To do this, you must learn to control your emotions. For example, count slowly to 100 or more if the level of anger exceeds all limits. Psychologists advise counting slowly and out loud for greater efficiency. This method really helps many people cope with attacks of anger. There are a huge number of such methods and exercises, and everyone can find something that will help them.



One of the most effective calming techniques that anyone can learn would be desire. Meditation is focused thinking that comes from Hinduism. More often it is a spiritual or health practice with elements of self-immersion with the goal of achieving perfection or, at least, peace.

It involves detachment from external stimuli by adopting a certain body position, listening to relaxing sound stimulants or music that help control concentration on sensations or internal visual images. In general terms, this is detached contemplation, which allows you to reduce the significance of external stimuli, stop being nervous and become calm.


In difficult life situations, often turning to faith helps a person get support in a situation where secular methods do not work. The church provides an opportunity not only to find solace and an opportunity to cope with psychological trauma, but also offers socialization, which in a secular society is quite difficult for certain categories of people.


This is a set of exercises for developing positive attitudes. Self-hypnosis aimed at relieving mental and physical stress without outside help. Combines with muscle relaxation techniques. For example, with breathing exercises. At the initial stages, the patient is asked to learn the state of warmth in the limbs, heaviness in the legs, achieving them independently by repeating certain speech settings. In the future, it is proposed to learn how to evoke vivid visual images or a contemplative state with closed eyes. The technique is aimed at creating a supportive state or reducing the significance of irritating factors.

Cognitive behavioral therapy

This is a psychotherapeutic practice aimed at getting rid of stereotypical perceptions of reality and psycho-traumatic factors. It is important here that the work is carried out by the psychotherapist and the patient, whose active participation is mandatory. During therapy, it becomes clear what circumstances provoke the problem, which provokes uncontrollable thoughts. How this affects the patient in terms of beliefs, experiences and behavior. At the same time, situations and provocateurs that trigger the alarm are gradually recorded. The psychotherapist proposes a program of work on correction. Most often, it includes specific exercises that should be performed in a traumatic situation and are aimed at reinforcing new skills to combat anxiety. The goal of therapy is to change behavioral patterns and emotional states.


Do not neglect the advice to seek help from your pets. First of all, this applies to aquarium fish. Observing them works better than any psychorelaxation technique.

All methods presented in the article can be considered both in combination and separately, depending on existing contraindications or preferences. Humanity has accumulated vast experience in the fight against nervousness, which you can only use in your own particular case.


Postnova Maria Borisovna general practitioner


Even when you want to destroy everything around you, just start smiling. Everything is simple here, we are used to smiling at the moment when everything is fine, when we are happy or simply in a good mood. Even if you start smiling through force, it will quickly and painlessly change your negative state to a positive one. Scientists have proven that laughter and smiling help you cope with problems faster, as well as solve serious problems and achieve big goals. Give a smile to those around you, and it will come back to you more than once.

Physical manifestations of stress

  • Decreased ability to concentrate.
  • Irritability, bad mood.
  • Sleep disorders.
  • Growing appetite.
  • Deterioration of organizational abilities (fussiness, absent-mindedness).
  • Lethargy, apathy, fatigue.
  • Sexual disorders.
  • Increased anxiety.
  • A feeling of an insurmountable obstacle or crisis.
  • Feeling out of control.
  • Poor health (muscle pain, headache, heartburn, increased blood pressure).

Happiness is in work

Absolutely every person wants to live in peace and harmony. And in order to live happily, you need to look for happiness in the right direction. You must realize that luck is a job you love, a healthy family and yourself. The simplest example is this: in the pursuit of wealth, a person loses family, friends, and ultimately achieves his goal, but remains completely unhappy. Of course, everyone has their own concept of happiness. Only you can give the correct answer to yourself. Don’t try to prove anything to anyone, live and think that you are already happy, thanks to this the world around you will be built accordingly, and there will be no place for anger in your life.

Absentee expression of anger

It often happens that both one’s own interests and one’s anger at the harmful violation of them are realized later, when the opponents are already far from the meeting place. And it seems that nothing can be changed.

And here it is important not to swallow the insult, not to keep anger inside, but to express it in absentia. The more expressive you can do this, the better. Stomping your feet, waving your arms, shouting, screaming, and even arias from the opera “Rigoletto” are very suitable.

I know of a case study where anger was expressed 20 years after a traumatic situation in just 10 minutes, and this led to a significant improvement in the person's well-being. But my advice to you: don't wait 20 years, dump all your anger in a dump truck as quickly as possible.


– How to stop being nervous during pregnancy?

– Most often, nervousness during pregnancy and after childbirth in young mothers is associated with a hormone imbalance or excess progesterone (tearfulness). In this case, it is better to consult a gynecologist who will prescribe medications that reduce irritability.

– How to remain calm in a relationship?

– First, figure out what exactly irritates you. These are the habits of the person with whom you want to maintain a relationship, his appearance or behavior. When you decide on this question, you can build a dialogue approximately on the topic “Don’t throw your socks here, they spoil the look of the room and emit an unpleasant smell.” Remember that constructive dialogue helps to establish and improve relationships.

– How not to be nervous at school?

– Teenagers often find it difficult to study due to “excessive nerves.” This is due not only to the restructuring of the body, but also to objective reasons. To remove these reasons, there are several recommendations:

  • open up to adults you trust, don’t keep your experiences to yourself;
  • learn to concentrate on what is important without being scattered on many things;
  • allow yourself to make mistakes - every person has the right to make mistakes, no one is ideal;
  • don’t chase grades – knowledge is more important;
  • tune in to the positive - in the end, even if you are eaten, you have 2 options;
  • solve problems as they arise, stop beating yourself up;
  • be sure to rest!

– How to learn not to be nervous in stressful situations?

– Stress can throw us out of our usual rut, but it’s up to us how we react to it. It is important to learn to think positively, to look for at least a drop of good even in the worst situation. Then it will be easier to cope with any stress.

– How not to be nervous in online games?

– Purely my personal opinion – don’t play! And if on topic, then prepare yourself that this is just a game. Even if it’s important, even if it’s rated, even if you’re handsome and without well-deserved points you stop respecting yourself - learn to live a real life, learn to respect yourself for who you are, and not for your merits in games.

So why are we afraid?

Fear, like pain, is a protective mechanism of the psyche.

When we are afraid, certain specific hormones are produced, as well as special molecules in our body called peptides.

Adrenaline causes increased heart rate, constriction of blood vessels in the abdominal cavity, muscles, mucous membranes, helps relax the intestinal muscles, and dilates the pupils. Remember the expression “Fear has big eyes”? The task of this hormone is to adapt the body to respond to stress. Norepinephrine levels increase during stress, shock, and other similar conditions. Its presence constricts blood vessels and increases blood pressure. Adrenaline and norepinephrine cause tremors. After determining a stressful situation, the hypothalamus releases corticotropin into the blood. Corticotropin, upon reaching the adrenal glands, stimulates the production of adrenaline and norepinephrine.

Fear is based on the unknown, lack of knowledge or certain experience. These factors give rise to many negatively destructive emotions associated with fear, such as anger.

Core of Fear

A person constantly experiences fear in various areas of his life. We are afraid of troubles, illnesses, deprivations, old age and death. In general, we are constantly afraid. Often fear is imposed on us through the external influence of society on us through the media and television. A person who gives excessive attention to negative emotions that create anxiety and fear may periodically or constantly experience panic attacks or phobias.

It could be:

  • fear of unfair treatment,
  • fear of poverty, fear of money,
  • fear of failure,
  • fear of the emergence and development of diseases,
  • fear for children
  • fear of loneliness,
  • fear of shock
  • fear of disorder
  • fear of imperfection,
  • fear of knowledge,
  • fear of the next news,
  • fear of corpses,
  • fear of committing a sin.

All fears fundamentally contain the fear of death.

It doesn't matter what our fears are. It is important that we program our consciousness by sending it a thought form - an order to fulfill our expectations and fears. And the stronger the emotion of fear, the more stable the program - the order. What we fear becomes our reality. We create a field of sadness, pain and suffering around us. Prolonged, regular stay in an emotional state of fear leads us to psychological regression, affecting the general condition of the body. As a result, we experience somatic disorders.

Emotions of the anxious circle: such as worry, worry, fear and anxiety make us helpless in the face of any internal or external circumstances. We become as if paralyzed. We lack clarity and clarity in thinking, as well as adequate ability to make informed decisions.

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