Moral violence at work: how to recognize and fight back a manipulator?

  1. What is a sense of responsibility
  2. Feelings of guilt: always destructive?
  3. Are guilt and responsibility mutually exclusive?
  4. Feeling of shame

In one of the previous articles, we touched on the topic of what a feeling of imposed guilt is. And in this material we propose to talk about the relationship between feelings of guilt, responsibility and shame . Thus, there is a point of view that the feeling of guilt is a priori destructive (that is, any guilt is equal to imposed guilt - such as is discussed in the previous material). According to this theory, adult self-sufficient individuals do not have such a feeling: they are characterized only by responsibility. Others have a different opinion (and it is closer to us): that guilt and responsibility are different feelings, while guilt can also be constructive. We invite you to make your own decision based on the material presented below.

What is a sense of responsibility

Generally speaking, a sense of responsibility is the awareness that we have the power to take on any obligation and carry out the task at least to a satisfactory level. Also, a sense of responsibility includes a) awareness of the consequences of completing/failure to complete a task; b) willingness to answer for the result - both positive and negative. By business/task here we mean obligations to other people and to oneself (in personal life, in work/study and in all other situations).

Unlike guilt and shame, a sense of responsibility appears even before we encounter any problems.

Normally, it “turns on” when we are just about to take on or are already taking on any task. It also has several other important differences from the other two discussed in the article:

  • guilt and shame are always negative, while responsibility is NOT initially negative
    and can also be neutral and positive;
  • the sense of responsibility has more or less clear deadlines
    : when it appears and when it goes away. We have already mentioned the start time above. And it usually ends when the job can be considered done;
  • When problems arise, a sense of responsibility “forces” us to take various actions to correct the situation

Let's consider this point in more detail. This is where the willingness to be responsible for the result is most clearly manifested: if we made a mistake, we admit it .

I’ll eat it and we’ll fix it. And ideally, we will also learn the necessary lessons so that this does not happen again.

From all that has been said above, it follows that responsibility is a constructive feeling.

: it is associated with active activity, acceptance of oneself, one’s capabilities, and analysis of results.

Of course, hyper-responsibility does not belong to constructiveness. Like any overly expressed trait, it is at least a hindrance and can lead to various problems. We will return to this issue in our next articles.

What is each of us responsible for?

What responsibilities do people have? We must be responsible for every decision, choice, aspiration,

because they are endowed by nature with the ability to think. An exception to the rule is individuals with complex brain injuries, as well as those with mental retardation.

This quality is manifested:

  • When fulfilling parental obligations, all parents must be responsible for their own children;
  • In work activity, there are different levels of work. Managers are responsible for the results of the activities of their subordinates, who are also responsible for their area of ​​work;
  • In a situation of conflicts of interest, the responsibility of one of the participants in the conflict makes it possible to become a process controller and make an important decision for everyone. He has everything in order with responsibility for his behavior, a sense of duty and strength of character;
  • In military service, the command staff is responsible for their subordinates, for their lives and actions;
  • When fulfilling any obligations, it presupposes the presence of deadlines and a high level of quality of work performed and services provided.

Species diversity in the development of this quality

In order not to be afraid to take responsibility, you should get a more developed trait:

  • Work on yourself, improve self-control. We must be attentive to ourselves, our own statements, not promise impossible things, and make decisions carefully. You need to be patient and the results will definitely come;
  • Using the technique of writing tasks to yourself involves writing down on paper, in a notepad, tasks that have specific deadlines. When a person performs his own task, he develops his individual skills;
  • Engage in organizational activities. By interacting with people, organizing them, coordinating their actions, each of us is able to achieve our cherished goal;
  • Interact with children. In such situations, all human responsibility is mobilized, because an adult is always responsible for the child. There is simply no other way out here.

Personal responsibility

How does a personal quality imply:

  • taking the burden of decision-making on your shoulders;
  • responsibility for completing assigned tasks;
  • acceptance on a voluntary basis of punishment for results when performed incorrectly.

Moreover, the “responding” person can initiate it independently. And she may also be assigned (formally or unofficially) responsibilities for monitoring the activities of the group with all the ensuing consequences.

The question arises, why is it important to be responsible? When a person takes responsibility for himself, his own thought forms, statements and actions, then every decision made, choice made, work performed will be fruitful, and relationships with the outside world will be more harmonious.

If you don’t yet know how to instill responsibility in yourself, contact the specialists.

Feelings of guilt: always destructive?

As we said, there is a point of view that the feeling of guilt is always destructive and that it is not characteristic of adults, psychologically mature and organic individuals. However, in our opinion, firstly, guilt and responsibility are not mutually exclusive, and secondly, guilt can also be different.

In general, a feeling of guilt is an internal negative assessment of one’s actions, the awareness that we have violated certain obligations, principles, and guidelines that we have accepted.

In most cases, this feeling refers to something that has already been accomplished, but perhaps it also refers to something that will be done or not done in the future. For example, you promised something, but you know for sure that you won’t fulfill it.
Therefore, hour X has not yet arrived, but you are already tormented by guilt. However, the main feature of this feeling is not the “start time”, but the rather vague “end date”

. Let's say a friend has long forgiven you for a broken thing, but you are still tormented. Such long-term, especially if the feeling is strong and disturbing, can greatly affect self-esteem, self-confidence, etc. Such guilt, of course, should not be considered as a constructive feeling.

Another feature of guilt: it doesn’t actually require us to do anything.

. As we said above, responsibility implies active work to correct mistakes, while guilt “by default” does not include such a function (and according to those who believe that it is always destructive, it never includes). Formally, this feeling makes you ask for forgiveness, but not correct what you have done.

However, in our opinion, not everything is so bad with wine. Sometimes it is she who encourages you to work on mistakes, stops you from committing thoughtless actions, and teaches you to separate the bad from the good.

. It's all about what kind of guilt you feel and the degree of this feeling. And here we come to the most controversial issue: guilt vs. responsibility.

How to deal with a sense of duty?

In order for this feeling to disappear, you first need to understand to whom you really did something wrong. You need to ask these people for forgiveness and simply let go of the situation that happened. This is especially recommended when there is no material aspect. When you receive forgiveness, the guilt will go away and in return you will feel gratitude.

Never forget that you don't actually owe anyone anything. There is no need to adapt to others, try to live up to their ideals in order to earn praise and approval. Only you can reward yourself with this. The same goes for your opinion - don’t force it on others.

If you feel a sense of duty to your family, friend or significant other, then you live that person's life, forgetting about yours.

The problem of a sense of duty is solved quite simply. First of all, it is necessary to recognize that it really exists. Then realize that only you yourself can improve your life and make it simple and comfortable. It depends only on you, do not waste precious time serving others.

It is recommended to replace the word “duty” with the word “want”, in which case it will be easier for you to perceive and also carry out what you think are your responsibilities.

Are guilt and responsibility mutually exclusive?

Probably, in an ideal world, people really do not have a feeling of guilt, but only a sense of responsibility - they evaluate their capabilities, take on obligations and fulfill them. However, in life, even the most responsible and diligent person makes mistakes and, despite the fact that he is able to bear responsibility for his actions, this does not mean that he is not bothered by feelings of guilt. For example, you accidentally broke your best friend's ancient Chinese vase. You can take responsibility for this action - compensate for the damage (for example, give money or look for another vase). And this does not exclude feelings of guilt for what happened.

Therefore, it is very important to understand to whom you feel guilty, to what extent and for how long.

In the last article, we examined the imposed feeling of guilt, which is cultivated in us from the outside (usually by parents). It causes one to experience significant moral torment that does not correspond to the scale of the problem or does not have sufficient grounds at all.
Let us repeat that such guilt leads to low self-esteem, lack of aspirations and goals in life, and to a number of other unpleasant consequences. People who are characterized by this feeling easily become victims of manipulators. Of course, there is nothing positive or constructive here. However, if a feeling of guilt arises in you for objective reasons and does not so much make you suffer aimlessly as pushes you to take action, use it

. In other words, focus not on what should be done, but on what can be done now. Don’t think about yourself in the spirit of “I never succeed”, “I’m always wrong.” Instead, analyze what you can do now and in the future to prevent this from happening again.

In addition, this feeling can warn you against something that you may regret in the future, it will help you look at the world through the eyes of other people, and sympathize with them. As you reflect on a controversial action, you can ask yourself: Will you feel guilty later? At the same time, you should not think that if there is a chance for this feeling, you need to immediately abandon your plans. If the person is truly important to you, perhaps you should first consider whether you can somehow correct the consequences of your choice yourself.

Things to always remember

Only you create yourself and are the creator of your destiny. All your actions, thoughts and feelings affect your life and the pleasure you get from it.

Never doubt that you are valuable just because you exist. After all, every person is unique and significant. You are already an individual, so you don't need to please others to feel useful and important. This in itself is true. A sense of duty is not a sentence, it is incorrect thinking that is easy to correct. Pull yourself together and be responsible only for your own life, and don’t live someone else’s.

Feeling of shame

Shame often accompanies guilt. Although the specific definition of shame varies among experts, let us assume that the feeling

a person feels guilt before himself, and shame - rather before others.
That is, guilt reflects how we ourselves evaluate our actions, and shame is a reaction to how, in our opinion, others evaluate our actions and us in general
It’s as if we look at ourselves through someone else’s eyes, and we don’t like what we see. It is important to consider that this is our personal, subjective idea of ​​the opinions of other people
, which may have nothing to do with reality. For example, we may be ashamed of someone for something, although this someone did not even pay any attention to our offense. And on the contrary, a person may not feel shame, although people important to him do not approve of his behavior.

How does a “debtor” think?

In the future, a child who grew up in such a family will be afraid to decide anything on his own, so it is easier and better for him to do what others say. For example, the same parents.

It will be normal for him not to pay attention to his needs and interests. Instead, he will put others before himself.

Such a person feels a sense of duty to parents, employees, teachers, friends and just acquaintances. The opinion of others is beyond doubt for him; he will unquestioningly obey and agree on everything.

Consequently, due to excessive guardianship, the child develops a greatly inflated sense of duty. The love of parents should not have a bad effect on the child, so it is necessary to give him freedom and the right to choose. This is necessary so that in the future he does not turn into someone who is ready to do anything just to be noticed and praised.

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