In most cases, ignoring people can be seen as a person's defense mechanism. And despite the fact that psychologists have identified many psychological defense mechanisms. However, the most common and instinctive is ignoring. In fact, this mechanism is not appropriate in all cases. Because when we avoid or ignore people, we refuse to acknowledge the problem we need to solve. And no matter who or what caused this problem, it should not be avoided.
It's a very uncomfortable situation when people ignore you. A person who is often ignored feels that this is intentional and other people simply don't like him. Although, in most cases this is not the case.
Appropriateness of Ignoring
For example, the mother-in-law responded somehow rudely to her daughter-in-law’s question. It is worth considering whether this is typical behavior or whether the person is tired, irritated and out of control of his behavior. If the latter, then why focus attention on this and respond to aggression with aggression. It would be wiser to ignore the rudeness. But if this is the norm for the above-mentioned mother-in-law and she consciously leads to conflict, then there is a problematic situation that needs to be resolved in order for normal communication to be possible. It is strongly recommended not to ignore serious problems. By moving away from them, you will not be able to find a solution, which means they will remain and over time will acquire unnecessary facts that will further clog up the situation.
The same mother-in-law, for some reason dissatisfied with her daughter-in-law, will continue to use rudeness and involve other members of the family circle in the conflict until the daughter-in-law’s strength fades away. The result is a huge scandal or, worse, the quiet withering of the daughter-in-law due to fear of a frank conversation and solving the problem with her mother-in-law. The reason for ignoring serious problems can be banal fear: fear of failure, fear of losing time and money while solving a problem.
Principles of using the method
Principles:
- Think in advance about what it might cost to ignore, and whether it is necessary to stop communication completely.
- Stay away from the ignored, avoid personal meetings. If the meeting is accidental, it is better to quickly pass by without paying attention.
- Do things that make it clear that you are not interested in communication. You can be diligently active in any activity, listen to music, talk on the phone.
- If you ignore employees and colleagues, limit yourself only to work-related issues.
Since instant messengers and social networks are of great importance in people’s lives, certain measures need to be taken regarding them. This could be blocking, moving the user to a blacklist, or hiding your profile.
With the help of ignoring, you can exert a psychological influence on another person and achieve personal goals. To manage others, you need to understand how ignoring works, what reaction can be expected from him, and how not to go beyond what is permitted.
Ignoring Matrix
Keen Mellor and Eric Sigmund once developed a scheme for matrix determination of the degree and object of ignoring. Three different criteria are considered: level, area, type.
In this case, four levels of ignoring are considered. This:
— presence of opportunity (a person ignores the presence of opportunities to solve the problem as a whole);
— its significance (understanding that a solution exists, but denying its effectiveness in advance);
— change in opportunities (understanding that a solution exists, but refusing to apply it in advance);
— personal abilities (impossibility of implementing a possible solution due to a personal unacceptable attitude towards such a method).
There are three areas of ignoring: “I”, other people, the situation.
Types of ignoring - incentive, opportunity and problem.
Using these three criteria, a matrix is obtained:
Using this matrix, it is possible to detect at what level the problem is being ignored and influence the person accordingly to encourage them to find a solution to the problem. The search for the “hearth” should start from the top row, the leftmost cell, and then go down diagonally.
Protection methods
To protect yourself from the negative consequences of ignoring, you need to:
- Analyze your relationship with someone who ignores you. Perhaps a similar trend in communication has always been observed, but only now it was possible to notice the flaws. You can try talking to the person who has started to ignore you.
- Communicate calmly. It is important to calm down, discard obsessive thoughts about your own guilt, and find joint solutions to the current situation.
- Avoid using child protective mechanisms. There is no point in being offended, taking revenge, or making others guilty. To continue communication, it is important to find the cause of the problem and deal with it.
You also need to pay attention to your reaction to being ignored. If it is negative, with aggression, it is better to reconsider your behavior and change your approach.
“Ignore” is useful when...
The man is incredibly stupid. Yes, you didn’t back down, you decided to act, you give reasonable arguments and explanations, but your opponent simply doesn’t understand them. You struggle with the problem for a day, a week, a month, citing all the old and new facts, but there is no result. Is it worth spending even more time and effort or is it better to withdraw?
The person is inadequate. If you delve into the essence of the nonsense pouring out of your opponent’s mouth, it will only clog your own brain and ruin your mood. A grandmother who clings to a young man in a minibus with stories about how he looks inappropriate and a fountain of words about how it was “in my time” can be ignored. Without receiving a response to her passionate speeches, she will lose interest. In a free society, everyone has the right to look however they want. If a guy wants ripped jeans, let him wear them, or at least put on a skirt. It's his choice.
The problem is insignificant, and focusing on it can lead to a negative result. The child used a “bad” word. The first time you should ignore this, because without seeing any reaction from the parents, the child may simply lose interest in this word. But if this happens constantly, it is worth solving the problem through a calm conversation using different techniques, depending on the child’s age.
Signs
Signs indicating the use of ignore:
- The individual tries to interrupt the meeting or looks for reasons for it not to take place. Being close to such an individual, you can notice that he tries to look at his phone more often, and then says that he has new plans.
- The conversation starts with the interlocutor, not the one ignoring. This is noticeable in changes in individual behavior. If previously the ignoring person constantly called himself and tried to get in touch, he stops doing this and avoids communication. Therefore, misunderstandings arise, which gradually develop into quarrels and scandals.
- Frequent employment, which was not previously observed. The individual begins to frequently use the phrase “I’m busy.” In some situations, employment may be temporary and due to problems. If an individual says that he is busy for a long time, but at the same time communicates calmly with other people, this indicates neglect.
- The answers become unambiguous, short, simple. When communicating with an ignoring person, you can notice that he shortens his answers, pretends that he missed the question or did not hear it. This is best seen when communication that could previously last for hours is reduced to a matter of minutes.
- Delay in answering questions, greetings. This is especially noticeable when communicating on social networks.
Don't overdo it. Moderation is important everywhere
Ignoring is the oldest type of emotional abuse, but it should not be taken to its even older “brother” – indifference. You can get so caught up in keeping your distance from problems that you really don't care. For example, the father’s constant ignoring of problems at home - at first because of fatigue, and then out of habit, but they no longer bother him, “let his wife sort it out.” Yes, those around you will be able to find a solution themselves, and it is not a fact that it will satisfy you. But you won't care anymore.
Response options
Psychologists identify several options for responses to being ignored:
- Displaying aggression, attracting attention by any means (including immoral). The stronger the ignore, the more terrible and reckless the actions of the ignored person can be.
- Closedness. An individual who has begun to be ignored can temporarily withdraw into himself in order to evaluate his own shortcomings and behavior and identify the reason for the ignorance directed in his direction.
- Withdrawal due to emotional abuse. The person does not try to understand himself or the motives of the person ignoring. He begins to castigate himself, blaming himself for everything. Gradually the feelings intensify, depression and apathy develop. This can lead to obsessive suicidal or criminal thoughts.
A productive response to being ignored is the active development of creativity, the search for new acquaintances, broadening one’s horizons, changing one’s place of residence or work. The individual does not withdraw into himself. He perceives being ignored as a signal for drastic changes in life, leaves his old social circle, and begins to move on.
The benefits of apparent indifference
Dasha drew attention to her new colleague at a seminar organized by the company for employees in one of the Turkish hotels. Having decided to outshine everyone with a beautiful, even tan at the evening banquet, she carefully smeared herself with cream and headed to the beach. When she returned to her room, she discovered that she was covered in spots like a cheetah - the tube turned out to be self-tanner. There was no talk of going to the event.
The next day, a handsome colleague approached her himself and asked why she was not there. He was pretty tired during the evening from the flirting attempts of the entire female part of the team, and singled out Dasha from the crowd only because she didn’t try to attract his attention.
Ignoring a man is necessary when he is too accustomed to female attention. Dasha did not plan this option in advance; in this case, the situation developed naturally and naturally, which only enhanced the effect.
Ignoring will be effective if your man is a hunter by nature.
He will put all his strength into achieving the goal, winning, winning. Then interest fades away, he cares little about the result. This feature can be quickly identified: he spends days and nights at work launching a project, but a week after success he has already started something new. Or, as a child, I devoted a lot of energy and time to clog training, but after winning a city competition, I abruptly quit. As soon as such a man realizes that he has conquered you, his feelings will be replaced by indifference. In this case, you need to strictly follow the chosen tactics, be sure to take pauses. Light flirting with men is quite acceptable - competition is a very powerful incentive for such a person. The main thing is to stay within the bounds of decency - he will not forgive an offended sense of property.
You may also be interested in: How to behave with a smart man
Reasons why people ignore
Why do people avoid and ignore? There are many reasons, both acceptable and unacceptable. Let's look at both. Ignoring people can occur in cases where people are worried about something and are in deep thought, and at this time we approach them and start a conversation. In the modern world, men and women are constantly preoccupied with something. Perhaps they recently had an important conversation that they need to think about, and now we want to divert their attention. Which ultimately leads to ignorance on their part.
It often happens that a person simply did not hear you. Perhaps there were a lot of people and noise in the room at the time, or he was wearing headphones and simply did not hear you. This can happen to anyone, but that doesn't mean the person does it intentionally. It also often happens that a person may be embarrassed at the moment and hesitate to answer. So he decides to avoid you.
Inappropriate or malicious reasons also appear quite often and are not difficult to identify. In this case, ignoring people occurs even if you try to attract the person's attention several times. That is, he deliberately ignores you and avoids the conversation.
How to understand whether he loves or not
The wife does not want intimacy with her husband - what could be the reason and what to do
Nonverbal signs will help you figure it out. They manifest themselves unconsciously; a man will behave this way if he has not wondered how to hide his feelings.
His gaze is drawn to his beloved, or he makes great efforts not to look at her, and never looks into her eyes. A passionate desire to touch a woman makes you hide your hands or twirl something in them. You can try suddenly changing your position or touching your hair. If a man could not sit still or repeated the movements, it means that he is not indifferent to the girl. When a man’s ignorance is combined with a bewitched, piercing, tender and deep gaze, it means he is in love.
Advice from psychologists
- Give the man more personal space.
- Let him get bored, don’t bother him if he doesn’t come back in 2 days, have a serious conversation.
- Before the conversation, get yourself in order.
- Present information without emotion, honestly, listen carefully, with respect.
- You can write a message 1 time. Then wait patiently for an answer.
- A man loves his condition next to a woman. If he feels like a hero, a provider and a protector, he will hold on to her strongly. It is necessary to allow the guy to help and give sincere compliments.
- Why does a man alternately show interest and then ignore? This is an attempt at manipulation and a bad joke on a girl’s self-esteem.
Important! A woman should value herself, feel confident, and have adequate self-esteem. True love for the world and others begins with yourself.
A man in some cases can love and ignore. However, demonstrative and prolonged ignoring is not love, but indifference to the feelings of a partner.
