Resentment in psychology: what is it, why does a person constantly get offended by trifles, how to deal with excessive touchiness, how to overcome a negative feeling

Resentment in psychology is a strong destructive feeling that has a destructive effect. Being offended, people refuse to communicate with loved ones, change the attitude of others towards themselves, and harm their own health. It leaves behind pain and emptiness that will persist for a long time: days, weeks, even years. When the pain gradually calms down, offensive words, gestures, glances suddenly reappear in the memories - and the condition returns, and with its former strength. To avoid such situations, you need to learn to transform negative reactions and get rid of accumulated attitudes that are harmful to harmony.

What is resentment?

Resentment in psychology is the response of an offended person to an action of another person that is unacceptable to her. It causes a feeling of hostility, you can get rid of it, the main thing is that it does not develop into constant resentment.

Some people do not hold grudges within themselves; they take out bad emotions on others. Others, on the contrary, close themselves off and carry them deep inside, not showing them to anyone. They smile despite adversity. But this is fraught with dire consequences.

As a rule, this depressed state leads to deep depression. Again, if this concerns a single offense, the matter is not so bad, but systematic offense is a big problem. This is what the psychology of resentment talks about.

Is there an antidote to resentment?

There is a saying: “There are no incurable diseases, only incurable patients.”

There are no unnecessary or incorrect feelings and emotions; they all signal something to a person.

Resentment is a feeling that needs to be lived, not denied. And to truly forgive, you need to allow yourself to accept all the emotions that arise in the offense: anger, pain, disappointment, sadness, fear, guilt. Only by living through this spectrum and admitting to yourself the real cause of the offense can you let go of a difficult situation, benefit from it as an important life lesson, and move on.

Healing begins with forgiveness, with agreement to begin the processes of restoring relationships, reconciliation, and changing one's thinking. What should we do so that we are not overtaken by the destructive consequences of accumulated experiences? There is such an antidote. The cure for resentment is the practice of forgiveness. Not all people know how to forgive. But this can always be learned.

What is this emotion characterized by?

It carries powerful destructive force. This deteriorates health and relationships.

The main components of resentment:

Severe mental pain. Arises in response to unfair treatment of an individual.
Feeling of betrayal. The offended man says that he never expected this.
The perception of the unfair actions of another individual in relation to the offender, based purely on the results of one’s own observation and analysis. That is, his pay for the same work is higher than mine, or his parents love his younger brother more, etc.
A long-term experience, and for some subjects it can stick forever.
It can cause a break in strong family relationships. If this is a child’s resentment that remains unaddressed within the child, then it can subsequently result in a deep interpersonal conflict with parents.
The ability to remain deep in the soul. Often a person is unable to admit that he is offended, which makes him even more unhappy.
A feeling that the situation is irreparable.
Blocking of consciousness. An offended person is not able to give an objective assessment of what is happening.
May provoke a state of passion.

It is clear that resentment has very serious consequences. This is a loss of meaning in life, apathy and even suicidal thoughts.

But it is worth noting that you can only be offended by a loved one or loved one. A stranger can only insult.

Types of touchy men

CONTENT:

As a result of research, psychologists have found that touchy men are divided into four types. Let's look at each of them in more detail.

Individuals with an inferiority complex

Such individuals are characterized by absolute lack of confidence in their own abilities . As a rule, they cannot make important decisions on their own and constantly seek support from friends and relatives. They are characterized by a permanent feeling of defenselessness in front of the outside world; as a result, they begin to believe that everyone around them is making fun of them in order to raise their self-esteem at their expense.

Experts note that men with an inferiority complex often avoid direct manifestations of aggression. They “draw conclusions” and hide their grievances under the guise of good nature and politeness. However, inside such individuals represent an exploding volcano, in which negative emotions and feelings boil. And all this anger, anger and hatred gradually accumulates, over time breaking out in the form of panic attacks, psychosomatic illnesses and outbreaks of unmotivated aggression towards random people who are unlucky enough to be nearby at a critical moment.

“Experts note that men with an inferiority complex often avoid direct manifestations of aggression and hide their grievances under the guise of good nature and politeness.”

Men with a victim complex

This type of touchy men is distinguished by the fact that they are capable of falling into a stupor or deep depression over the most insignificant reason. For example, an employee completed the task assigned to management efficiently and received a positive assessment for it. It would seem, what's bad here? But the next day the boss didn’t greet him. And that’s it, the individual begins to think about this topic, turns himself into a negative mood , is indignant at the ingratitude of the manager and his disregard for the staff.

It should be noted that the nature of the manifestations of resentment in men with a “victim” complex depends on the characteristics of their temperament. If a phlegmatic person expresses it in the form of a week-long silence or prolonged blues, then choleric and sanguine people are able to react to the insult more emotionally, for example, in the form of breaking dishes, assault, and even an attempt to commit suicide.

Male Avengers

Such individuals have delusions of grandeur combined with a distorted perception of the surrounding reality, which makes them one of the most dangerous types of touchy men. Experts are convinced that not a second goes by without such an individual making sophisticated plans for revenge in his head for the insults inflicted on him. Another trait of an avenger is vindictiveness. He is able to remember the slightest injections and sarcastic attacks addressed to himself for years.

Paranoid man

He sees enemies and flatterers everywhere. He suspects his loved one of treason and therefore is jealous of every tree and lamppost. The behavior of a paranoid man is based on the fear of being deceived . Most psychologists associate the roots of such fear with traumatic experiences that the individual suffered in early childhood.

In a relationship, this person is constantly looking for a catch in all the actions of the partner. Paradoxically, the better you treat the paranoid, the more convinced he will be that you are to blame for something . He has his own point of view on everything, which clearly fits into his picture of the world. Your opinion is not important to him, although he may occasionally appeal to it as evidence of your guilt in some situation he has invented.

“The basis of the behavior of a paranoid man is the fear of being deceived”

Causes of grievances

There are three main sources:

Conscious manipulation. This is a deliberate airing of resentment in order to get what you want, as well as to cause guilt in another.
Inability to forgive. This is an unconscious manipulation that is the cause of most grievances. A person does not understand what and why he was offended, but he knows how to make amends for someone else.
Frustrated expectations. Everything is simple here. Let's say a woman wants an expensive gift, but gets a teddy bear, or when you count on the help of close friends, but there is none.

More often people with disabilities are offended by people who are in a state of stress, quarrels, depression, as well as those who love and feel sorry for themselves.

So, what is resentment in psychology? This is a monstrous feeling of annoyance that arises from sudden human actions. That is why the phrase is often heard that this could not be expected from him. But if you learn to recognize people right away, then there will be no room for resentment. After all, when a certain situation happens, the actions you expect take place, you won’t be offended.

We figured out what resentment is in psychology. How to get rid of it? Read more about it.

Psychosomatics of the emergence of feelings of resentment

This emotion provokes diseases and disruptions in all body systems. The most vulnerable organ may be damaged.

Aggression, as an integral component of any negative reaction, rarely finds a way out in full. Part remains inside until the person gets rid of the memories of the situation, turning his attention to other topics. While inside, an aggressive reaction has a destructive effect on:

nervous system: headaches, discomfort in the solar plexus area, problems with the spine;
endocrine system: hormonal balance is disrupted due to anxiety, which provokes other diseases.

Most often, according to psychology, touchy people suffer from heart disease. The heart muscle takes the blow of any experience. Unexpressed or unfinished grievances aggravate chronic diseases and add new ones. For example, gynecological problems, including infertility with an unknown cause, may be associated with misunderstandings between partners. Depression and depressed states often appear. Particularly difficult cases transform accumulated negativity into cancer or suicide attempts.

Timely work on character will help to avoid particularly serious conditions. Psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin claims: it’s never too late to start building a harmonious personality:

Resentment in psychology: how to get rid of it

These tips will help you overcome unpleasant feelings.

You need to learn to react adequately to any unforeseen negative situation, to use your reason, and not be guided only by emotions.

It is necessary to find the root of the resentment. People often wonder why they did this to them, but they should ask another question, why irritability arises so quickly. It is necessary to deal with your emotions and engage in self-improvement.

You can’t hide behind carelessness and joy. Because by deceiving others, you drive resentment deep into the subconscious. What causes depression and poor emotional state.

There is no need to be afraid to talk about your feelings. Share your experiences. This will help you rethink the past situation, get rid of resentment, and possibly prevent the occurrence of unpleasant moments.

You can’t fit people into one frame, setting high expectations, because everyone is completely different, with individual character and perception. You don't have to be treated well and loved by everyone. You can't please everyone. By learning this truth, many hurtful situations can be avoided.

If there is a deliberate attempt to offend you, there is no need to show a reaction. And next time the person will not do this.

You cannot accumulate this feeling in yourself, otherwise, when resentment goes beyond the edges, quarrels, scandals and even separations begin. All nuances must be resolved as they arise.

You need to be able to forgive and let go of people from your life who constantly and intentionally offend you.

Do some self-reflection. The reason may be hidden behind your fatigue and irritation, overexertion, or old emotional wounds.

If it is difficult to cope with this problem on your own, it would be right to turn to a specialist for help.

It is clear from everything that it is possible to overcome resentment, the main thing is to use your mind and act quickly.

There is another good practical method that will help you get rid of resentment. It's very simple. You need to take a pen and a piece of paper and write a letter of appeal to the offender. You should not restrain yourself in your statements, because no one will read it. Afterwards, you need to be alone in silence with yourself, rethink the situation, it will immediately become easier. Putting negative emotions out on paper is a great way to release anger.

Why get rid of feelings of resentment?

Touchiness in psychology, if it does not show signs of a conscious bad habit, is, in fact, a subjective assessment of someone else’s life beliefs. Because someone thinks differently and does not live up to expectations, the victim suffers. Responsibility for suffering in most cases lies with her.

Getting rid of the feeling of resentment brings to life:

calm;
relief of the soul;
physical health;
psycho-emotional well-being;
inspiration and success.

There is no point in wasting your time on frustration and anger that a loved one or colleague did not do something or did it in their own way. At the first sign of a negative reaction, you need to take control of the situation and get rid of destructive emotions.

In the process of getting rid of it, it will be important to analyze what is happening in order to prevent a recurrence in the future. For example, if a loved one did not give a gift on the occasion of a certain date, you need to figure out why this happened. He forgot? This means that next time it’s worth reminding him in advance, preferably in a gentle form, so that he won’t be offended.

Psychology: resentment towards everyone

As a rule, it appears in tandem with a feeling of guilt. Some are offended by something, others, experiencing remorse, trying to please everyone, try to correct a past mistake.

Before we move on to discussing the offenses of men (in psychology), let’s figure out why people are offended.

They fall into three main categories:

people living in the past;
overly emotional;
vindictive.

People who live in the past run the risk of developing a complex from a long-standing resentment. Let’s say a man who harbored a grudge against one woman in his youth will experience a similar feeling towards others throughout his life.

People of the second type are able to embellish the situation and exaggerate the offense. And the most difficult thing is that it is almost impossible to convince such a person that the problem is far-fetched.

Grudge-bearers are terrible because they hatch and try to implement a plan of revenge for a long time.

Thus, we smoothly moved on to the next question.

Psychosomatics of grievances

Let's consider what chronic diseases cause accumulated grievances.

Favorite phrases or behaviors are often markers of the target disease.

1. Generalized unconscious resentment: “Something is eating me”, “poisoning my life”, “bored to death” - oncology;
2. Nurturing and accumulating grievances: “My cup of patience is full”, “A sediment remains”, “There is a stone in my soul” - urolithiasis;
3. Unexpressed resentment: “There is a lump in the throat”, “Across the throat”, “Bone in the throat” - sore throat and laryngitis;
4. Reluctance to face the truth: “My eyes wouldn’t see you”, “It hurts to look” - visual impairment, cataracts, glaucoma;
5. Manipulative resentment: “The heart is breaking”, “Like a knife to the heart” - disruptions in the functioning of the cardiovascular system;
6. Protection from unfair criticism and attacks: “They knocked the ground out from under your feet”, “Your legs gave way” - arthritis;
7. Resentment towards controlling parents: “I also have weight”, “I have to be taken into account” - obesity;
8. Prohibition on the expression of feelings: “Bored to the point of nausea”, “fed up”, “It makes me sick to my stomach” - anorexia;
9. Prohibition on expressing oneself as an individual: “Where can I find an outlet”, “I’m suffocating” - bronchitis and bronchial asthma;
10. Selfishness and reluctance to accept a partner: “I can’t stomach this”, “You’re getting under my skin”;
11. Constant and poorly controlled irritation: “I’m already pounding”, “My patience has run out” - hypertension.

Psychology of male grievances

Representatives of the stronger sex find it difficult to admit their own weaknesses. Therefore, they do not give direct answers to questions, avoid them in every possible way, or speak evasively.

The ability to disguise an insult well makes it possible not to notice it. But men are offended.

Let's look at the reasons:

Manner of speaking. Excessive straightforwardness and harshness can not only offend, but even push people away.
You must always remain correct. In anger and the process of sorting out relationships, you should not touch a man’s sore spot. For example, if he is worried about a low salary, you should not reproach him for this. There is no need to criticize his masculinity.
Men, as a rule, do not talk about the lack of love and affection. And perhaps the offense is a manipulation to attract attention. You need to engage in self-analysis to avoid such a situation.
The person can be very emotional and impulsive. Perceive everything acutely, obsessing over trifles. In this case, it is necessary to understand that people do not change with age, they need to be accepted as such.
Inflated self-esteem can cause resentment. When parents from early childhood praised their son, extolled him to the skies, and then the wife expresses her dissatisfaction, the husband will not tolerate this. He does not understand this attitude and is not used to it.

You need to understand that men are straightforward. They either tell the truth or simply remain silent. After unflattering statements, he may withdraw into himself. But this will not indicate resentment. Thus, he moves away and calms down, reflects, after which he comes up and apologizes.

Problems need to be resolved because male resentment harms both partners. You can’t go along with his manipulations so that he doesn’t get used to it. There is no need to blame or sort out the problem, you just need to share your experiences and feelings that you experience at the time of his offense. How unpleasant it is to be silent or reproached.

The situation is much more complicated with children’s grievances against their parents.

Touchiness

Just as warm clothes protect against cold, self-control protects against resentment and resentment. Increase patience and calmness of spirit, and resentment, no matter how bitter, will not touch you.

Leonardo da Vinci

Perhaps we all have to deal with grievances in our lives from time to time.
Situations when we are offended by someone, or when someone is offended by us, are almost inevitable. This is understandable, our behavior does not always suit other people, and their behavior does not always suit us, and there are many reasons for this. The main reason is our egoism, which forces us to think first of all about ourselves, while other people want us to think about them, or even about them. And we also want other people not to forget about us and to take into account our interests and desires when making certain decisions. But when our expectations for other people are not met, we become offended by them. Touchiness is not the most attractive character trait in a person and many people disapprove of it. However, it is inherent in most people, or rather, in everyone, so we inevitably have to deal with it. In this article, dear readers, I will tell you about why people are offended by each other, how to behave with offended people, and what we should do with our own resentment so that it does not prevent us from achieving our goals and enjoying life. You know, I have always believed and still believe that being offended is the lot of the weak. I know that many of us are offended by someone from time to time, and I, too, sometimes get offended, including myself. We tend to be offended, so this is a normal reaction and there is no need to be ashamed of it. But you and I must understand that this is not the best model of behavior - not the most effective, not the most effective, not the most adequate and not the most beautiful. Therefore, it is better to replace it with another model, a more advanced and, let’s say, mature model of behavior. Below I will tell you about what you can do to give up touchiness and how to do it.

Why do we get offended

To answer the question of why we are offended, we need to pay attention to how we are offended - do we take offense within ourselves in order to feel sorry for ourselves and justify our failures, or do we demonstrate to other people our resentment, our dissatisfaction, our offended by their actions in order to achieve from them a certain reaction that we need. Moreover, one thing is often combined with the other. After all, we all want something from someone, but we don’t always get what we want. What is not a reason to be offended and show other people that they are wrong, and at the same time justify yourself in your own eyes - shifting all responsibility for your failures to other people. For some of us, resentment is a real salvation from internal discomfort. So there will always be a reason to be offended, but being offended is not always appropriate, and often even harmful, so it all depends on how a person is used to reacting to what does not suit him in the behavior of other people. It happens that other people do not live up to our expectations and hopes, so we are disappointed in them - we are dissatisfied with them, we are dissatisfied with their behavior and even with ourselves for trusting these people. We feel offended, we feel betrayed. This happens often. But we can carry our resentment within ourselves, that is, we can be offended unnoticed, or we can be offended so that everyone can see it, and we do this mainly when our resentment allows us to manipulate other people. So, on the one hand, we are looking for a reason to feel sorry for ourselves and justify ourselves, and on the other hand, we want to achieve something from other people through resentment.

All this comes from childhood, when the ability to be offended by adults, mainly by their parents, allows the child to achieve certain concessions on their part. With the help of resentment, children attract the attention of adults, clearly demonstrating to them their weakness and pressing on their feelings of guilt. This is real manipulation, because when we demonstrate our touchiness to others, we try to manipulate them, we try to influence their feelings of guilt in this way in order to induce them to take the actions we need. This is why and why we are offended. Resentment can be spontaneous, when we simply don’t know how else to react to the disappointment that we have experienced because of other people, or it can be purposeful, when we want to influence someone. Why are you offended [if you are offended], dear readers? Think about it. Your resentment may not be doing you any good, regardless of whether you are resentful because it is to pity and justify yourself, or to influence other people, or both. Let's look at what else makes people touchy.

Upbringing . Despite the fact that unfavorable hormonal levels can also affect a person’s touchiness, upbringing still plays a more significant role in this matter. Well, correctly, and even let’s say, a reasonably educated person will not be offended, or in any case, he will not show his offense to anyone. Why, why should we be offended when there are plenty of other ways to survive any failures and disappointments, and to influence other people? A person who is offended demonstrates weakness, people do not respect offended people because they despise weakness because it is not viable. It is much more profitable to act from a position of strength or to interest other people in order to achieve the desired behavior and desired actions from them. Think for yourself - what do we show to other people when we are offended by them and show them our resentment? What they did was wrong—wrong for us, but at the same time, quite possibly, right for themselves? We also show them that we are unhappy with them, that we are not satisfied with their behavior, that we want an apology, for something to be done for us, and so on and so forth. In other words, we want something from people with whom we are demonstratively offended, and at the same time, we see no other way to get what we need from them. What it is? This is weakness. We demonstrate to people our inability to influence them in other ways, we admit our own helplessness. Will this help us solve our problems and tasks, help us strengthen our position in society, in the team, in relationships with the opposite sex? No, it won't help. In rare cases, people can be manipulated by influencing their feelings of pity, guilt, and their desire to be good and correct for everyone, including us. But still, in many cases, touchiness has an extremely limited range of possibilities. In general, we can be offended by selfish people as much as we want - they still won’t change anything in their behavior. But the problem is that if a person is used to being offended, is used to seeking concessions from other people in this way, because he was raised that way, one might even say that he was spoiled, it is difficult for him to give up this behavior, even if his grievances do not work. Or if a person is so morally weak that he is unable to adhere to a different model of behavior with people, then for him grievances are the only salvation. But all these problems can be solved.

Shifting responsibility . The desire to shift responsibility to others also often prompts many people to be offended by everyone who did not help them in some way. Although, why on earth should someone help someone, especially just like that, is unclear. But for some touchy people this is not so important. The main thing for them is that they are not to blame for anything, other, bad, wrong people are to blame for everything. It is they, other people, who are to blame for not meeting the expectations of the offended person, and not he is to blame for placing these expectations on them. Or other people may be guilty of not paying the person the attention he needs and doing little for him, while he didn’t really try to interest them in himself, so that it would be beneficial for them to pay their attention to him. In general, the point is that being offended by other people means seeing them as the problem, not yourself. But what's the point? How many people want to change for someone? How many people want to change, at least for their own sake? So what's the point of being offended by them, what's the point of shifting responsibility to them for how they behave with us? Well, perhaps only for internal peace, for internal comfort, there is no need for anything else.

Manipulation . The desire to manipulate people, including through touchiness, is an innate human desire. You can manipulate people with the help of resentment both consciously and unconsciously. This is done unknowingly mainly by children who simply adhere to the model of behavior that allows them to achieve the desired attitude from adults. And if adults react to a child’s grievances in the way he needs, he will continue to be offended by them in the future. We've all been through this, most of us. But some people, it must be said, have consciously taken touchiness into their arsenal and, with its help, manipulate everyone they can, everyone who allows themselves to be manipulated in this way. And those who see touchy people as poorly educated people and the most common manipulators are not mistaken in most cases. True, sometimes such manipulation looks rather naive, because, as I said above, not many people react to the grievances of other people in the way they, the manipulators, need. And this is correct, since any manipulation is not a way to find a common language with a person in order to get something from him, but at the same time give him something, but a way to achieve what he wants, without taking into account the interests of this person, without taking into account the interests and the desires of other people. This is forgivable for children; they get along with adults as best they can. But for an adult to be offended by people in order to manipulate them, at least it’s not becoming. And as a maximum, I think this needs to be punished, either through counter-manipulation, or by ignoring such people. This is about the question of how to behave with touchy people. Sometimes, of course, you can listen to them and understand them if they are offended not for the purpose of extracting unilateral benefits, but because of their weakness. But still, an offended person must be rid of this bad habit - the habit of being offended.

I would also like to note that children’s touchiness is a natural age stage. Children are forced to act from a position of weakness, putting pressure on the pity and guilt of adults; for them this is one of the few opportunities to achieve the attention they need to themselves and certain concessions. Adults are a different matter; for them, touchiness is more of a disadvantage than an advantage. It’s unpleasant to see how an adult, instead of agreeing on something with other people, prefers to be offended by them and expects that they will make concessions to him. This is ugly and in some cases naive. At the same time, touchiness can be pathological, when a person not only does not know how to react differently to other people if their behavior does not suit him, but even looks for reasons to be offended, in order to make himself a victim, to cry, to show how life is unfair to him and how bad other people who have offended him can be. There is also normal touchiness, when a person is so disappointed with other people that he simply cannot resist expressing his disappointment with them through offense. In this case, such a reaction is an exception for a person and therefore he is offended very rarely, in exceptional cases when his emotions are so strong that it is difficult for him to control them. We have all been so offended at least once in our lives, because sometimes, indeed, some people amaze us with their dishonesty and sometimes even cruelty. And when you are hurt, when you are not cared for, when you have been betrayed, you don’t really think about what your behavior looks like from the outside. Well, non-offensive people are an example for all of us to follow. Those who never take offense get the decisions, actions, and behavior they need from people in other ways, including through the ability to negotiate, interest, and persuade. As a rule, it is very pleasant to deal with such people - after all, they are quite objective in assessing their own and other people’s interests and try to think not only about themselves, but also about other people when they are asked for something. It's a pity that there aren't many such people in our lives.

Be that as it may, sometimes, I believe, you can allow yourself to be offended, especially in those cases when you were deceived, betrayed, let down by a person dear to you, whom you trusted one hundred percent. Still, a treacherous act on the part of someone close and dear to you, and especially a loved one, is a very strong blow, after which it is difficult to control your emotions. But you shouldn’t focus your attention on the offense. It must be experienced and conclusions drawn from the incident that caused it. People hurt us for a reason, but so that we perceive them adequately and do not trust them too much.

But it would be simply wonderful not to be offended at all. People who never take offense at anyone exist, but, as I already said, they are few. Usually these are self-confident people with maturity of mind and good mental health. In addition, such people understand well how to behave in our society in order to obtain from other people the necessary actions, decisions, actions, and the right attitude towards themselves. No one is going to meet us halfway just because we want it, and no matter how much you are offended by people, most of them will think first of all about themselves and their desires, goals, dreams. But our desires and dreams are our worries. Therefore, it is better to adhere to a more effective and efficient model of behavior when communicating with other people. And even if you are rightfully offended by them, try not to show them your offense unless you are sure that they will react to it in the way you want. There is no need to show people your weakness and dependence on them - as a rule, this does not make them kinder and more sympathetic.

How to stop being offended

To stop being offended, you must first find out what result you want to achieve with your offensive behavior? You need to ask yourself this question if you are offended by people demonstratively, if you show them your offense and expect a certain reaction from them. Somewhere in the depths of your soul, you clearly hope that people will make concessions to you, reacting to your resentment towards them, and do something for you that you want them to do. Perhaps you simply expect that they will apologize to you, if there is anything, or perhaps you expect that people will try to atone for their guilt to you for offending you. Surely in childhood, your grievances brought you certain positive results when adults, for example, your parents, made concessions to you. And now you expect that this model of behavior will work in adulthood and you will be able to use your grievances to achieve the same concessions as in childhood.

So think about the outcome you are hoping for. And when you understand what you want, when you realize your calculations in relation to other people, think about other ways to influence them. Well, what kind of ways these could be - it could be the pressure that you can put on others when you have a clearly winning position on a particular issue. These can be the methods I have already mentioned - to interest, attract, bribe this or that person with something so that he does something that you need, being motivated by his desires, and not by a feeling of guilt in front of you. In other words, strive for what you need, not through touchiness, but through other methods of influencing people. You will see for yourself how many of them are more effective and practical.

And do not allow those who are offended by you to make you feel guilty towards them and feel pity for them. If you know that you are right, do not make excuses to anyone, do not look for an opportunity to atone for your guilt if there is none. Behind any feeling of resentment there is always some kind of human desire - the desire of the offended person, which he hopes to realize in this way. If you are this person, then you don’t need to touch the desire itself - you need to find another way to realize it. And there are many such ways. Touchiness, as I said, is not the best way to influence other people. And if someone is trying to realize their desire at your expense, demonstratively taking offense at you and expecting certain concessions on your part, do not react, do not allow yourself to be manipulated. Teach other people to interact with you on normal, mutually beneficial terms, teach them to respect you, and at the same time themselves. Do not feel sorry for those who use pity as a tool of influence; such people do not deserve pity.

Thus, to get rid of resentment, find out why you are offended, what you want to achieve with your resentment, what your resentment will actually give you and how else you can get what you want, how else you can influence people to do something for you? These questions of yours to yourself will make your behavior more meaningful, that is, the way it should be in an adult, reasonable, prudent person who knows how to control himself.

Also pay your attention to the behavior of those people who have achieved much greater success in life than you - learn to react to certain situations from them. This is the easiest way to learn something - you just need to repeat after others, after those whom it makes sense to repeat after. So if you are a touchy person, you definitely need to start taking examples from other people, from those who are not offended by anyone, but are looking for different ways to interact with different people. We all often find ourselves in difficult interpersonal situations when we need to use a certain model of behavior to achieve the desired results. Each of us behaves differently in such situations. Someone is offended if there is a reason for this, and if there is none, then one can be invented, someone is angry, intimidates and puts pressure on people, someone persuades and begs other people in order to get the necessary decisions and actions from them, someone is trying to interest them in something, and so on. There are many ways to influence people, as I already said, and, of course, you need to be able to use them all. But at the same time, you need to more actively master the most effective behavior, abandoning ineffective, childish, unattractive behavior, which often does more harm than good. Therefore, take an example from those who act effectively, practically, competently and beautifully. And leave touchiness in childhood - in adult life you will not need it in the vast majority of cases.

We all want something, we all strive for something, we all want other people to help us realize our desires and dreams, and we expect this from them, we expect them to help us. As children, we expected a lot from our parents and other adults, and as adults, we begin to associate many of our dreams and desires with our friends, bosses, wives or husbands, politicians, and so on. This is the problem with resentment - we expect too much from others and too little from ourselves. But in this life no one owes us anything. If you don’t take care of yourself, it’s unlikely that anyone else will take care of you. Remember this and try not to be offended by other people, especially demonstratively, so as not to show both them and yourself your weakness and helplessness. Adopt a pattern of behavior that inspires respect and allows you to achieve greater success in life.

Children's grievances

Until the age of five, they are offended by any parental prohibition. At this stage, kids believe that everything was created for them and belongs only to them. As the child grows up, he will begin to understand that he is not alone in the world, and there will be much less resentment.

From five to twelve years old, children have conscious grievances. And their wishes must be listened to, because this can become a source of deep problems and misunderstandings.

Childhood resentment (in psychology it is considered so) entails anger, rage, desire for revenge, and disappointment. This is difficult to cope with, so various psychological problems arise that can affect the child’s entire life.

They need to be taught to forgive in early childhood to avoid big problems in adulthood.

How to heal from resentment

The feeling of resentment is closely related to the hormonal reactions of the body. “The hormones melatonin, cortisol and norepinephrine are activated in the blood, which cause tension, spasms and pain at the bodily level.” This mechanism leads to long-term resentment and physical illness. To avoid complications, break down the offense into its components using a special three-step technique.

1. Realize your unfulfilled desire: what did you want, but did not come true? When we cannot get what we want, we subconsciously become offended by the world/life/loved ones. Once you have sorted out your desires, you can choose two paths:

find options to achieve the goal;
accept the situation in its unreality.

2. Having chosen the second path and realizing the unrealizability of the desire, allow yourself to experience grief. To do this, it is best to be alone in the dark and give free rein to your tears. This will stimulate melatonin, the hormone of sadness and sleep, to participate in the production of serotonin, the hormone of joy. They are connected, and that is why, after crying, we feel relief.

3. Now get angry. She is always offended, and the hormones cortisol and norepinephrine are responsible for it. There are several ways to safely get rid of the destructive influence of anger:

through physical activity: kicking something, hitting something with your hands (for example, a pillow), doing push-ups, squats, cleaning;
with the help of bodily practices: crush plasticine, tear paper or rags;
write a letter of grievance, expressing in it the emotions that overwhelm you.

How to help your child cope with resentment

Resentment and forgiveness of parents by children in psychology is a vital issue. The main thing that adults should know is that you cannot ignore your child’s grievances. If your baby is asking for another toy, you should not leave, ignoring his cry. You need to explain why you can't buy it.

When a child withdraws into himself, this is an alarm signal. He must be brought out of this state by any means. Take a walk, watch a cartoon together, and then be sure to return to this situation and figure out what caused it.

Everything needs to be discussed with the child. It is impossible to keep silent and simply punish. We need to break the system: resentment – anger – desire for revenge.

In addition to resentment, forgiveness in psychology is an equally significant point. Forgiveness is the most important thing parents can teach a child. Any methods are suitable for this: reading books, watching cartoons, singing, dancing. The main thing is that the child does not accumulate negative emotions. He may not be able to fully forgive his offender, but if the desire for revenge does not arise, this is already half the success. There is a lot of beauty in life, and it needs to be shown and emphasized.

But resentment (in psychology it is considered so) is not always a bad feeling. It helps you look at yourself from the outside. See those character traits that need improvement. After all, touchiness can arise due to chronic fatigue, depression, this is an invitation to change and rest.

How to stop being offended?

Acceptance of the situation

We accept the situation and people. This has already happened to you, becoming part of your life. Don't deny it. Accept this event fully, clearly understanding that this story is given to you solely for experience and further development. But not for self-destruction.
What did this situation teach you? What lesson did you teach? Perhaps you have become wiser, smarter, more attentive? Say out loud all the positives and lessons you learned from this event.
Thank the offender for the experience . You can say out loud: “Thank you for teaching me/showing me that...”
We clearly draw a picture in our head of how we cut the invisible thread between you and the feeling of resentment. Chick! And she's gone. This is no longer about you. All past circumstances have no influence on your life now. We imagine how a traumatic situation moves away from you, disappears or evaporates, breaks into small pieces and leaves your body forever.
We take two deep breaths and exhales. We get up and seem to shake off the sand.

If it doesn’t help the first time, repeat the technique until you feel this relief and say goodbye to the poisonous feeling.

I forgive you for...

First, identify the person you find it easiest to forgive.
Write him a letter, continuing the phrase “I forgive you for...”. Your task is to write down everything he did to offend you, upset you, etc. Just continue the phrase separated by a comma, even if it’s the same thing, write anyway.

Say everything...

You sit down on a chair and place another chair in front of you.
You close your eyes and imagine the offender in front of you. It doesn't matter who it is. Know that he will not react in any way.
Tell him everything you think is necessary and unnecessary. The task is to speak out as much as possible about your pain and feelings. You can help yourself with music that will enhance your emotions, set a timer for 3 minutes to say the most important things. Speak in any form, with any phrases and expressions. This concerns only you and this is your liberation of the inside. Don't think about what it looks like or how it will affect the person. This process is only about your feelings and the goal is to free yourself as much as possible from those that interfere. Dot.
Then, on a scale from 1 to 10, decide for yourself whether you are ready to forgive this person? If more than 5 mentally say goodbye, if less than 5, then repeat the exercise later or do something else.

Remove the offense from yourself...

Find music or a song that will help you quickly tune in to the desired emotion.
Take whatman paper and a black marker or pencil.
With your eyes closed, you very intensely and expressively draw out all the pain, resentment and discomfort from yourself... You feel it and draw it out. Imagine that your hand and marker are a negative that comes out of you onto the paper. Breathe deeply.

How to forgive an insult

We understood the concept of resentment in psychology, learned how negatively and destructively it affects a person. After all, an offended person cannot function normally and simply enjoy life.

But it’s not enough to understand what resentment is in psychology. How to deal with this? A frequently asked question that we will try to answer.

Here are psychologists' tips on how to forgive an offense.

You need to calm down and soberly assess the situation, imagine what life will be like if you continue to be offended. This is the psychology of people - grievances have a crushing force.

It is worth analyzing in writing what led to this situation. What offended you, what sore spots your opponent pressed on, because in this way he pointed out your weaknesses.

You need to start with words of forgiveness. Repeat the phrase “I free myself from resentment” many times and it will really become easier. The worst offense (in psychology it is considered so) is against a mother who interferes with building her own happy family. It is important to understand that she gave you life and forgive her.

It is recommended in psychology to perceive grievances as a lesson. To learn how to learn from mistakes and avoid them in the future.

Fight resentment with a sense of humor. The ability to laugh at yourself will help you endure troubles easier.

To overcome resentment, you can find the following advice in psychology: people often offend others unconsciously, perhaps this is your case. No two people are the same; everyone perceives what is done and said in their own way. But in order to clarify the situation, you can bring the offender into conversation and set all the accents, find out his intentions and speak out yourself.

Every person is capable of forgiving an offense. If you let it go, it becomes much easier. This is a complex process, at first it will be difficult, but then it will become automatic.

Resentment and self-defense (in psychology it is considered so) are closely related. Resentment is a certain degree of self-defense, thanks to which the offended person evokes special attention, a feeling of compassion, pity, thereby showing his “I”.

This is a psychological reaction of a person, the purpose of which is to influence the opponent. It arises due to the fact that the expected does not coincide with reality.

Positive and negative manifestations of resentment

By its nature, such a reaction is only one of many feelings that a person is capable of expressing. But the impact on relationships with the outside world is so destructive that it is recommended to get rid of touchiness and reduce it to a minimum.

Negative manifestations:

spoils relationships with loved ones;
makes the touchy person unbearable;
creates a negative image among friends and colleagues;
affects physical condition;
takes a lot of time.

It’s curious: for the “victim” himself there is nothing negative in this bad habit. Why does a person get offended by trifles? Psychology provides the answer: this is a simple and effective way to manipulate others. If you were offended, you got what you wanted. The goal has been achieved.

In fact, the positive manifestations of these reactions are different:

a chance to identify your weaknesses. Words and actions hurt when they touch a nerve. Is it possible to somehow protect, work through, strengthen the weakened “bastion” of the personality in order to avoid repetition? By the way, this is one way to distract yourself: start working on ways to protect yourself in the future;
a defensive reaction from the pain of breaking up with a loved one. There is a respite, time to switch from the very fact of separation to the feeling of injustice;
one of the ways to cleanse yourself of accumulated negativity. In the process of getting rid of negative attitudes, a person clears away the “blockages” of frustration, anger, indignation and despondency that have been quietly accumulating.

Components of Resentment

How are grievances and expectations related in psychology? To understand this issue, you need to consider three components:

Construction of the expected result. A person mentally pictures the outcome of an upcoming event. But, unfortunately, it does not always coincide with what is desired. People are different, with their own worldview. All problems have one source - the inability to speak. Instead of silently waiting for the implementation of the plan according to your own scenario, it is better to talk with the person, find out his wishes and find out about his upcoming actions. And if there is love and respect, this act will not feel like manipulation.
Observation. You need to not just watch, you need to think about your expectations, perceive the behavior of another person, evaluate and criticize.
Comparing expectations with reality. You won't always get what you want in the end. That's why resentment arises. The more inconsistencies there are, the stronger it will be. You cannot impose your point of view on a stranger; he has the right to do as he wants. It is necessary to make it a rule that you need to rely only on yourself. If expectations are not met, solve the problem by talking about it.

There is no need to cause offense, they need to be warned. And it’s better, of course, not to be offended at all; it’s difficult, but quite possible.

Causes

The feeling of resentment is familiar to every person. Children get offended very often. But the older we get, the more we think about how appropriate the offense is. And more and more often we want to understand the reasons for its occurrence.

So why does resentment arise? According to psychology, the cause of offense is the erroneous expectations of the one who was offended. The mechanism for developing resentment looks like this:

ideas and expectations regarding a particular person;
facts (real actions and behaviors that are typical for this person);
analysis of these actions and comparison with expectations;
responses (thoughts, attitudes, actions, feelings).

It turns out that people are offended by their own mistakes. They allow themselves to be offended because they expect from their opponents what they are not capable of.

Less touchy and traumatized people, in the event of a discrepancy between expectations and reality, try to understand their opponent, take his place, and build an adequate idea of him based on what happened.

Trying to understand another person means the desire to justify his actions, to understand the peculiarities of his thinking and personality. This does not mean that you should accept the position of another person or allow yourself to be humiliated. Moreover, you have every right to be angry, but you need to figure everything out so as not to repeat the same mistake and set adequate expectations for this person.

Even this feeling has its positive sides

The benefits are as follows:

Our weaknesses are revealed. You need to get to the root of the resentment.
In the event of a breakdown in a difficult relationship, resentment acts as a pain reliever. Self-pity, anger and rage help you quickly free yourself from memories, give you the strength to move forward and leave everything in the past.
Resentment allows you to throw out bad emotions. Sometimes clarifying relationships is even useful.

And one more interesting fact. More often than not, offended people come from spoiled children. Because they got what they wanted. Because of this, they have developed two shortcomings: the belief that everyone around them owes them, and the inability to work.

Therefore, resentment must be eradicated from early childhood. Get rid of it in a timely manner, because it can cause physical and psychological diseases.

Signs

Signs of resentment:

avoiding meetings, communication and any contact with the one who offended;
silence and isolation;
phrases with double meanings and other manifestations of passive aggression;
direct aggression.

Characteristics of a touchy person (psychology of the touchy type personality):

suspiciousness,
indecision,
dependence on other people's opinions (the habit of comparing oneself with everyone);
fixation on the past and reluctance to part with things;
pessimistic vision of the world;
self-pity;
suppressed aggression.

A touchy person is afraid of conflicts. Instead of directly talking about his feelings, needs, emotions and finding out his opponent’s position, he prefers to run away, remain silent, be capricious and offended.

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Resentment is...

— Vladimir, perhaps everyone has had to experience this unpleasant experience. What does it consist of and what is its mechanism?

— To put it very simply, resentment is born when another behaves relatively differently from what you expected from him, and sometimes even worse. When communicating and interacting between opponents, interpersonal relationships always arise, manifest and form, which are accompanied by various feelings. But resentment is one of the most destructive. Hiding deep in the soul, it begins to “eat from the inside,” having a negative impact on psychological and physical health.

Resentment is also very closely related to the concept of justice. We are offended when we believe that we have been treated, as it seems to us, unfairly. There are many examples and cases, here is one of many: you wanted your husband to meet you from work, but instead he is watching a live broadcast of a football match. Your expectations were not met, and you feel resentful. On top of everything else, resentment tends to accumulate.

—Can we then say that resentment is bad?

- Resentment is quite multifaceted, and by and large it is neither good nor bad - it is functional. On the one hand, resentment helps to understand the boundaries of oneself and the interlocutor and partly strives to take a neutral position in which both benefit. One wants to get rid of the imposed feeling of guilt, the other wants to achieve what they want. But various formed stereotypes, concepts, standards, templates, temperament and characterological characteristics help to cross this line.

Resentment is one of the most destructive feelings. Hiding deep in the soul, it begins to “eat from the inside,” having a negative impact on psychological and physical health.

— How, in your opinion, did the stereotype about stupid women’s grievances about everything appear?

— The modern world cultivates stereotypes, but also stereotypical forms of behavior.

- So some of us really get offended by everything?

— Everything is individual, but for some it is typical. This habit is, one might say, a massive weapon of defeat for a man.

— Why do we most often get offended?

— It happens because of trifles and fictitious expectations. In the end, there are much fewer serious grievances in everyday life. However, there are people who react to minor insults with outbursts of anger and rage and thereby trigger a mechanism for serious insult.

— How do we understand where the offense is just another one, which we ourselves created, and where it is serious, which needs to be worked on?

— A serious grievance is when the soul hurts, the consequences of it are destructive and long-lasting. Such resentment can subsequently lead to constant emotional tension, psychosomatic disorders, and psychological problems. Serious resentment causes internal tension.