You need to run: 22 signs that you are dating an abuser

How to stop being an abuser

It is difficult for a person who has become an abuser to cope with himself.
He considers his behavior forced, caused by the wrong behavior of his partner. The first thing you need to do in order to stop being an abuser is to recognize the problem. Physical, sexual or emotional abuse has consequences that should make the abuser think that he is doing something wrong. He should understand that the main reason lies in himself, and not in the people around him. To get rid of their negative habits, psychologists recommend that an abuser think about the following questions:

What situations cause a negative reaction?
What is the main reason for this behavior: childhood trauma, low self-esteem, personal crisis, personal experiences?
What are the consequences of abusive behavior?
In what way could you have responded differently to the current situation?

My recommendations

In childhood, a person is not yet able to understand that he has become a victim of an abuser. As an adult, it is not only possible to understand this, but also necessary in order to feel your independence and begin to live life to the fullest.

Trust your feelings. If it seems that parents are stifling with their advice, care or prohibitions, then you should think about what is happening. Monitor your feelings by writing them down and analyzing them.
Remember that it is not your fault that you were treated this way. But the choice of further actions and responsibility for your life is yours.
Give yourself permission to be angry with your parents. You have every right to your emotions, and forgiveness should not become a suppression of feelings. Remember that anger can be not only negative, but also a good source of energy.
Keep your distance from abusers and do not develop conflict if you do not have the strength to deal with it. To get out of a toxic relationship, any method is suitable, even a complete break with your parents.
Constantly be interested in the topic of abuse, read sources, communicate with specialists. Analyze this information to develop awareness and look at the situation from the outside.

What is abuse

Based on the above, we can say that abuse is violence, coercion, insult or pressure on a person. An abuser is an individual who commits violence against another person. There are three main types of abuse:

Physical – actions that cause physical harm to another (beating).
Psychological – these are insults, humiliation, blackmail, manipulation, leading to psychological trauma.
Sexual – forced sex or incest using blackmail, intimidation or threats.

The most important thing that a victim in an abusive relationship should know is that she is not able to change the behavior of her tyrant. Moreover, over time, she gets used to such relationships, adapts, which is why she becomes unable to break them. To some extent, the victim begins to think that abusive relationships are the norm.

If there are children in the family, they can also become victims of an abuser. If the victim does not want this attitude towards her children, she must muster the courage to break the existing union.

To recognize abuse, you must see it. Since abuse does not always manifest itself in physical violence, when a person is beaten, you need to understand that psychological abuse is recognized even in the first stages of meeting the abuser:

Contempt for your ex-partner. The abuser, of course, can blame and be offended by his former partner. However, if you notice that he speaks about him with contempt and even hatred, then this indicates abuse. Moreover, a person can talk about exactly what actions he committed in relation to his former partner, by which one can judge that he is a tyrant.
Disrespect for you. The abuser will not take your opinion into account, be rude, and indulge in sarcasm. Often the abuser idealizes the partner he is dating. And over time, when he begins to notice shortcomings, causing his fantasy of an ideal partner to begin to collapse, he will become even more aggressive, which he will take out on his partner.
Imposing your help or ostentatious generosity. You might not have asked for help, but it is imposed on you.
Control. At first, you may like the fact that your partner is interested in your affairs in detail. However, this is done not because they love you, but because they want to control you.
Jealousy. You should distinguish between jealousy, which arises inside, but does not manifest itself, because you do not give good reasons to be jealous, from the feeling when you don’t even give your partner a reason to be jealous, to accuse you of cheating.
No guilt. An abuser never considers himself guilty. He is always right about everything.
Egocentrism. At first, this quality is difficult to identify. However, if you listen to what he is talking about, then usually the abuser speaks exclusively about himself.
Presence of addiction. Usually the abuser has an addiction. It should be understood that this is not necessarily alcohol or drug addiction. You can be addicted to computer games, food, money, etc.
Inclination towards sex. The abuser may not pay attention to the fact that you do not want to rush things, so he persistently persuades you to have sex.
Taking the relationship in a serious direction. The abuser also does not want to wait to ring you, move you to live with him, and constantly be with you. This is not love on his part, but rather an attempt to gain control over you as quickly as possible. Often, the abuser also suggests that the other half spend as little time as possible with friends, since communication with them is pointless, and also give up work so that the partner spends time at home all the time.
Threatening behavior. When you argue or disagree with the abuser, he begins to behave or speak threateningly: he comes close to you, makes threats, waves his arms, grabs you, speaks loudly, throws things, etc.
Presence of double standards. The abuser believes that he is allowed everything, and you are allowed nothing.
Poor attitude towards the opposite sex. An abuser, in principle, disdains the opposite sex, no matter who it is.
Treating you differently in the presence of other people. An abuser behaves differently in the presence of other people.
Partner's weakness. The abuser preferentially chooses those who are already weaker than him, younger, more vulnerable, etc.

How can a worthy girl protect herself from abuse?

If you don’t want to fall into the hands of a scoundrel, behave with dignity.
When you are guided by not very pure interests, for the sake of which you are ready to do anything, then do not blame fate or circumstances. A decent girl will not start a relationship in order to:

don't be lonely;
to feel sorry for the whiner and the clingy one, having no feelings for him;
ensure a comfortable life and endure anything for money;
sacrifice oneself to save a loved one (drug addict, prisoner, gambler, etc.).

All this will turn against you if, for the sake of these goals, you are ready to forgive any unworthy behavior.
The abuser, realizing this, will raise the bar for abuse and retaliate in full. The best thing for a worthy girl is to behave with her abuser according to her own rules. As soon as you understand that they are trying to manipulate you, appearing and disappearing, break his tactics. Instead of waiting by the phone for him to call, take care of yourself. You may miss the call or answer calmly and indifferently. When he realizes that you are not involved in his game, he will quickly lose interest in you.

Until you are sure of your partner’s reliability, keep your distance: don’t run to him for overnight stays, don’t let him live with you. Don't become a sponsor, don't make expensive gifts, don't take on his loans. Do not allow yourself to be controlled and report to him. You are still free, appreciate it.

Signs of female abuse in relationships

The weaker sex is cunning and does not immediately begin to produce sharp claws. How to recognize an abusive woman in a gentle girl, so as not to let your life go awry irrevocably? Try to remember the exact signs of violence against a man in order to see a merciless vampire next to you in time:

Abusers love to compare their spouses with other men, exaggerating the merits of friends and neighbors, most often citing their fabulous generosity or incredible ability to earn more money as examples.
Constant statements in the style: “You are a useless husband...”, “bad father”, “you are absolutely no use...”
Threats to divorce for any reason.
Throws out predictions: “Yes, without me you will become a drunk.”
Exaggerating in words his role in the family and statements in the style: “No one needs such a slobber except me.”
For a woman's abuser, signs of psychological violence include attempts to ridicule her husband in public, interrupt his speech, and hurl insults for no reason.
Her husband’s successes at work or in other matters only cause irritation in such a person; instead of praise, she will try to belittle their importance: “How much strength and intelligence is needed for such a thing.”
Abusive women, in order to piss a man off, often use ignore - they demonstratively do not listen to their speeches, and do not allow them into their bed.
Periodically drives me crazy with attacks of pathological jealousy.
Tries to impose total financial control.
Prys into personal and business correspondence, checks calls and mail.
Hysterics and quarrels alternate with attacks of passion.
Raises his voice in conversation, rejects compromises in disputes.
He tries to turn his children against their spouse.
Doesn't keep even the simplest promises.
Proves that she is special, so everything is forgiven to her.
Thinking of impunity, he may commit treason.
He tyranns children for no reason.
Lies often.
For an abuser, everyday blackmail becomes the norm.

How to defeat an abusive woman?

If a lady is over thirty and has really lost her brain, then it is no longer possible to re-educate such a person. It’s better not to ruin your life and run away from the heartless and crazy bitch. An alternative option is to completely ignore the far-fetched quibbles and try to firmly put the presumptuous lady in her place. This method will work against young girls who are trying to put a crown on their head in an attempt to copy their “experienced” friend or vixen mother. True, existence in constant confrontation is far from sweet; in protracted family wars, the outcome is unpredictable.

Often men have to fight alone with moral violence coming from their once beloved wife. Many are ashamed to admit that they are being stalked by an abusive woman; signs of domestic wars are not always noticeable from the outside. Alas, often colleagues and friends find out about them too late, when a person outwardly sinks and slides into terrible depression.

What types of abuse are there?

Abuse comes in many different forms; its varieties differ from each other in purpose, methods of influence, scope of application

Abuse in the family is a very terrible phenomenon; at the same time, parents, using their power over the child, show him their superiority. They suppress the child’s will, humiliate him, traumatize his psyche, and use physical force. Abuse can also be used against other family members. Family abuse is dangerous, in particular, because children raised in such an environment will consider it the norm. They will treat their children in the future in exactly the same way. They will use abuse in other life situations. The study of the psychology of people raised in dysfunctional families has a long history. Often such people become dangerous criminals. Physical abuse - threats of physical harm, beatings, intimidation, damage to property, harm to health, restriction of the ability to move freely, communicate with other people, etc. Psychological abuse - driving to hysteria, psychosis, suicide; the victim sharply lowers self-esteem, becomes disappointed in life and in his abilities. Aggression can be verbal, or the abuser demonstrates dominant behavior or displays groundless jealousy. Psychological abuse also includes blackmail, criticism, ridicule, devaluation, etc. Abuse at work - bullying, slander, fabrication of facts, false prosecution. “Female” or “male” abuse. The first option is most often chosen. Women who have a certain inferiority complex try to overcome it with the help of psychological violence against men. This is not just a husband, boyfriend, brother or other family member: a boss can treat male subordinates with particular cruelty. There is a special form of female abuse – sexual harassment of women towards men. Of course, all of the above is also found in male behavior towards women. Abuse in friendship takes place in a team where a dominant subject stands out. He may harm other team members out of envy, revenge, hatred, or simply to demonstrate his superiority. Such people are accustomed to achieving their own benefits at the expense of others. Often they strenuously appeal to friendly feelings, but at the same time, by their behavior, they distort the very concept of friendship.

Narcissistic abuse. This type of psychological abuse is used by pathological narcissists who believe in their exclusive superiority. They choose famous, talented and influential individuals as victims. The main goal of such an abuser is to make the victim suffer, humiliate her, and force her to apologize to him.

This is the narcissist's way of trying to get attention. After all, he is not satisfied with the fact that all the fame and recognition does not go to him. A narcissist abuser simply cannot stand the fact that other people, especially his loved ones, enjoy life, are happy, and achieve success.

He tries with all his might to “bring him to the bottom”; therefore, he sharply devalues her achievements, talents, even her mental and mental health. An example of such an abuser is given in an old joke. Someone comes to the military department and demands to enroll himself as a pilot. When he is refused (for example, on health grounds), he asks to be assigned to air defense. "Why?" - asks the official, and he answers: “If I don’t fly, then let no one fly!”

How to get rid of abuse?

There are a number of principles that will protect against blatant invasion of the personal life of a despot and tyrant. To avoid becoming a victim, follow these rules. They will help you figure out your partner’s true beliefs at an early stage.

How to protect yourself from abuse?

When your partner “attacks”, constantly bombarding you with messages, promises to move mountains, get a star from the sky, arrange a gorgeous wedding, a happy life, showers you with compliments day and night, but at the same time does nothing of the promises, you should think about it.
Avoid contact with him in any way. Write down on a piece of paper: in one column are promises, on the contrary - his deeds and actions. Compare the lists and draw conclusions. Count only actions, not empty words.

The portrait of an abuser looks like this:

Resentment and whining:
you don’t love me, you don’t think about me, you don’t want to sleep with me - he will reproach and reproach you in order to sow a guilt complex in you, forcing you to constantly justify yourself. This is pure manipulation.
Decreasing importance
- systematically lowers your self-esteem, ridicules, humiliates. Does not support your interests, projects, aspirations, views.
Closer-Farther
- relationships develop like a swing: then incredible passion, already ready to go to the registry office; then disappears, does not answer calls, hangs up, etc. This is a game, manipulation. You are in constant tension, thinking, analyzing what you did wrong.
Immersion in a feeling of guilt
- you are always to blame: you ruined your life, your mood, denied pleasure, said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, etc. This is manipulation, pressure on the psyche, deprivation of peace, bringing to tears, oppression of personal potential.

Once you start analyzing, study the literature on the topic: Violence in relationships. Watch movies. Look at the situation from the outside. Understand what abuse is and how to resist it. If you don’t want to bury yourself alive, find the strength to take a step towards freedom.

Who is an abuser

Abuse is violence in psychology; a person who commits pressure that affects the psyche is an abuser. It is not difficult to recognize him from the compiled psychological portrait. An abuser is a complex person who is dissatisfied with life. He communicates with his partner by humiliating, insulting, coercing, blackmailing. A rapist of this kind can be either a close person or anyone else with whom you have frequent contact. The victim rarely comes out of such relationships without losses.

It is common knowledge that women suffer more often from domestic violence. But life brings you up against toxic people at work and among your friends. Emotional abuse brings a lot of moral suffering; in order to save your psyche, you need to protect yourself as much as possible.

There are several types of abuse:

physical;
sexual;
psychological.

People are not angels. Many people are characterized by rudeness, inattention, and selfishness in varying degrees of manifestation. But you can’t write everyone down as an abuser. Those belonging to this category are identified by a constantly repeating pattern of behavior - a pattern. The rapist systematically, with enviable persistence, insults and humiliates someone. The scheme of actions is the same. At first, the abuser gains trust in his victim, wins him over, then slowly and with pleasure he poisons the relationship with his toxins.

How to recognize an abuser

Almost always, abusers at the beginning of communication are polite and courteous, strive not to arouse suspicion, and begin to carefully show toxicity only after sufficient rapprochement. Even knowing for sure who the abuser is, identifying him right away is extremely difficult. But they always exhibit certain behavioral characteristics, thanks to which they can be recognized in the early stages of acquaintance. Usually you can notice signs such as:

How to resist an abuser?

It is impossible to defeat an abuser with aggression. If he has already taken the initiative, any emotional reaction pleases him. But now you understand much better who the abuser is and how he thinks, which means, if necessary, you can effectively resist him. First of all, you need to get rid of fear. Control over your own emotions will create an almost impenetrable protective barrier.

Then you can carry out a counterattack, seizing the initiative and trying to throw him out of emotional balance. Usually after this, abusers make one or two more attempts, and if the attacks are repelled by their own weapons, they retreat.

Another fairly effective way to resist abuse is to completely ignore it. A toxic person needs other people's negative emotions as a reaction to their actions. If there is no reaction, he gradually loses interest and goes in search of a new victim.

Abuse in relationships

Most often we are talking about abuse when the victim and the abuser are in a love relationship. This is where they become the most vulnerable. Wounds and mental traumas are revealed, which are expressed in various forms of behavior and attitude.

Abuse often manifests itself in manipulation, boycotts, silence, refusal of sex or cooking, beatings, violence, constant accusations, threats and blackmail, etc. All types of violence that only occur between people can be traced in love relationships where the victim is ready endure bullying in order to preserve the union.

Signs of abuse in a relationship:

The partner arranges interrogations.
Your partner says that only he is capable of loving you (no one can love you like he does).
The partner is jealous of everything.
Partner sets unrealistic expectations.
The partner controls every step and demands a report on all movements.
Your partner always shifts responsibility onto you.
The partner limits the person's list of contacts with friends and relatives.
It is easy to offend or offend a partner, after which you have to beg his forgiveness for a long time.
The partner has a changeable mood.
The partner calls names, raises his voice, and speaks rudely.
The partner shows cruelty towards the weak (children, animals).
The partner threatens with physical violence, beats, and then acts as if nothing happened.

Abuse can affect not only adults, but also children. If children grow up in families where they are abused, then they develop anxiety, dissociation, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

In such families, parents do not show love and tenderness towards their children. They want to feel power by humiliating and ignoring the desires and interests of children. Psychologists here often note childhood neglect - sexual abuse of children. Parents force their child to have sex. Swearing, criticism, insults, and aggressive attitude of parents can never lead to normal mental development of a child. Psychologists here note various mental disorders.

Who do abusers choose as a victim?

Theoretically, anyone can fall into the network of an abuser. He does not always choose a weak, dependent and easily vulnerable person as a victim. Often the victim is a bright and strong personality.

Here are some common types of victims

The object of everyone's envy
: a beautiful, successful person, happy, rich... The abuser seeks to destroy everything beautiful in this person.
Object of hatred
: this could be a person who is constantly laughed at or was laughed at as a child; he could have been rejected, his loved ones turned away from him, etc. In this case, it is easy for the abuser to find a reason for humiliation and offense.
A man with a strong character, who is not at all easy to figure out
. For a “professional” abuser, this is a reason to practice, improve their level, and therefore self-esteem.
A person who is satisfied with his life, living without worries and problems
. The abuser will certainly try to bring these problems to him.
Victim of another abuser
. It is also not difficult to catch such a person by convincing her that the new acquaintance is not at all the same as the previous tormentor.
A weak and deeply unhappy person
: a graduate of an orphanage, an orphan, someone who was left without a livelihood, etc.

There are categories of people who are at risk: single mothers, children from disadvantaged families, visitors, migrants, notorious people, public figures, famous personalities, rich and wealthy people who are strongly interested in personal relationships.

Abuse what is it

The term “abusive relationship” appeared in psychology recently, so it is not without reason that the question arises about what kind of relationship this is and the abuser - who is it? The word “abuse” has English roots and is translated as “cruel treatment”, “violence”, “insult”. An abuser is a person who mocks his significant other, oppresses him, suppresses or ignores his desires, insults him, forces him to do certain things, or shows physical violence towards him.

In an abusive relationship, the second person will act as a victim who does not have the right to vote and periodically or systematically experiences psychological or physical pressure from the partner. Due to their psychological characteristics, the victim can endure abusive relationships for a long time, thereby provoking the abuser to cruel actions and violence.

Abuse has the following types:

psychological abuse
- hidden or direct violence against a partner of a psychological nature;
physical abuse
– physical violence against a person;
sexual abuse
– forcing a spouse to have physical intimacy without taking into account desires and physical condition;
economic abuse
– the partner is made completely dependent by controlling financial resources.

Consequences of communicating with an abuser

Despite the fact that violence is emotional, without beatings, it is still quite dangerous for health. Since it leads to a decrease in self-esteem, it causes depression. Which, as you know, if it takes on particularly severe forms, it can end in a successful attempt to commit suicide.

The individual loses faith in his own specialness and exclusivity. And he begins to doubt whether he really has any capabilities and resources. Or is the tyrant who convinces her of her worthlessness really right?

Against the background of such thoughts, anxiety is constantly present, which suppresses other emotions that are easier and more pleasant to live with. Sleep problems begin, and accordingly, energy levels and productivity decrease. Which entails problems at work and in relationships with other people.

Don't stoop to the level of the offender

There is a myth in our society that even if someone offends you, you should not stoop to the level of the offender and you must endure all insults with royal restraint. And in general, “hysteria” in response to insults is ugly and shameful.

In fact, people who say this have never dealt with constant abuse. It should be remembered that we are all just people, and therefore there is no need to be ashamed of our natural reactions in response to pain and resentment. Having a relationship with an abuser is very difficult, and it is common for victims to cry in response to grievances, “nurse” plans for revenge, etc. And no one has the right to condemn such behavior - it is just a natural reaction to abuse, to the destructive behavior of the offending partner. Living with an abuser is like living in the Chernobyl zone, and sometimes you have to stoop to a certain level in order to survive in this “radioactive” environment.

Abusive relationships: how to protect yourself

If there is an attack, then there must be protection from it. Any relationship with an abuser must be stopped as soon as possible, otherwise he may leave no stone unturned in the life of the victim.

To identify an abuser in the early stages of a relationship, you can compare his promises and how he fulfills them. Before starting a relationship, he can promise, as they say, a lot, but in the relationship itself he can seem to forget about his words. This should already raise suspicions.

Subsequently, the abuser begins his vile game: constant insults, whining, demanding excessive attention to himself. He may say that his partner does not love him, may be jealous for no reason, and constantly accuse him of something. In a relationship, the abuser can sometimes show intense passion, then suddenly move away, disappear for a while, and make you worry. All this is nothing more than manipulation.

How to get rid of it

His words should be taken with skepticism. Don't believe everything he says.
It is necessary to break off all relations with him: leave, turn off the phone, do not make contact under any pretext. In any case, it will be better than dragging out the relationship with him further.
You need to turn to relatives and friends for support, it is also advisable to find a good psychologist.
It is important to occupy yourself with something interesting, to learn to live freely.

Of course, an abuser will not abandon his failed victim so easily. he can pursue, follow around, insist on renewing the relationship. All his words must be answered with a strict and principled refusal, and all his actions towards you must also be strictly suppressed.

It is also important to protect yourself from future connections with abusers. A person must know his own worth. If, for example, a girl does not know how to value herself, then she will start a relationship with any suspicious person, just so as not to remain lonely; will marry a rich man and, in exchange for a prosperous life, will endure all humiliation and insults; will take pity on the “unfortunate” man, so that she can then carry him on her hump. Such a girl will almost certainly go to save her loved one - if he, for example, is a criminal, a gambler, a drug addict, etc. You shouldn’t do this, because in this case she shifts all the problems of an essentially worthless person onto herself person.

Forms of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse is not always easy to recognize. It leaves no visible marks, bruises or abrasions. The aggressor can be a man or a woman, and the negativity is often directed at children. Sometimes it seems that such behavior is help, a desire to make a person better, to eradicate his weak traits and sides. In fact, emotional abuse leads to disastrous consequences, including suicide

Therefore, it is important to recognize it as early as possible and take measures to pacify the offender

Verbal aggression

Verbal aggression is intended to hurt a person, to offend:

Unflattering words can irritate the victim;
The aggressor tries to insult the person, remember unpleasant moments from the past in order to make him feel ashamed.

Verbal aggression

Ignoring

When ignoring tactics, a person’s needs and desires are devalued. He is left alone with his feelings. It seems to him that no one cares about him, since the person closest to him does not devote time to him

The victim is immersed in his own experiences or tries in every possible way to attract attention to himself

Rejection

Rejection demonstrates dislike for the person. The abuser does not want to be in the same territory with him because he despises him. He moves away and brushes it off, thereby humiliating the victim. Any of her advantages are belittled and devalued, which leads to the formation of low self-esteem and mental disorder

An emotional abuser does not want to care about the victim or show attention to her. He does not provide any support, showing only disdain

Insulation

Often, the instigators of emotional violence protect the victim from communication with the outside world and prohibit seeing family and friends. The person is under strict control; he has no freedom of communication and movement. The victim is deprived of any contact with loved ones and becomes completely dependent on the abuser. He becomes the only person who can listen and support. Life begins to revolve solely around him.

Boycott

Boycott is a lack of response to words, silence that can drive anyone crazy. A person stumbles upon a blank wall and does not understand what causes this behavior. He cannot read the abuser's thoughts, so he wonders what he is thinking about. This leads to even greater dependence of the victim on the abuser and increased control on his part.

Boycott

Gaslighting

The victim's memories are denied, her adequate perception of events is called into question. The rapist denies the facts, citing the fact that it seemed or happened in another family. Not only events are denied, but feelings and experienced emotions are denied. The victim is constantly indoctrinated into what the abuser needs. Opposing opinions collide in her head, she ceases to realize what really happened and what was invented by the initiator of the manipulation.

Important! The type of violence does not affect the tactics of the victim who wants to improve his life. In any case, she will have to leave the abuser to eliminate his influence and pressure

Only an outside perspective and the support of loved ones will help you cope with the rapist.

What signals should not be ignored

Humiliation and criticism

The aggressor will definitely try to undermine your self-esteem. And this is how he will do it.

"You are my little pig..."

At first, the abuser will not openly insult the victim, otherwise she will become indignant and get off the hook. Therefore, he will present insults as something natural or even funny. He will not miss an opportunity to call his partner stupid, a loser, or even worse. If the victim is indignant in response, she is told that “I’m the one who loves you” and “you don’t understand jokes at all.”

This also includes nicknames that seem cute at first glance, but are actually offensive, like “my donut”, “little pig”, “fool”. As a result, the victim gets used to such humiliating language addressed to him and begins to think that he is really stupid, fat and that nothing will work out for her.

"Forever you..."

Anything can happen next: you are late, you stumble, you make mistakes, you ruin everything. Such remarks are accompanied by tsking and rolling of the eyes, and after that the abuser will definitely say something like this: “It’s good that you have me. What would you do without me? Regularly hearing something like this, the victim sooner or later comes to the conclusion that he is really worthless and cannot cope without his “savior”.

“It’s okay, they’re our friends!”

The aggressor can easily subject the victim to public humiliation. For example, rudely make fun of her in the presence of friends or make fun of her awkwardness. To all complaints, he will say that there is nothing wrong with this and since everyone is funny, then she should be funny too.

“Are you going to the circus with this makeup? Come on, it’s just a joke!”

Harsh sarcasm, stupid jokes that are actually insults packaged in third-rate humor - abusers love to use all this to destabilize the victim and make him feel insignificant. If she starts to get indignant, she will definitely hear that she misunderstood everything and, in general, you shouldn’t be so vulnerable.

“Others at your age are already earning millions”

No achievement will impress the abuser.

Got a promotion at work? It’s a little late, of course, but that’s okay, for you this is commendable.
Got a prize at an important competition? Why are you happy? It’s not a victory.
Did you manage to pay off your mortgage early? Yes, your parents probably helped you.

After such statements, a person, of course, is no longer happy and thinks that his achievements are really ridiculous and mean nothing.

"Don't waste your time on this crap!"

If the victim has a hobby, the abuser will not miss the opportunity to ridicule him in every possible way. Because his task is to deprive the victim of his own life and interests, so that she spends time and energy only on him.

Control

Abusers use any techniques to subjugate their partner, deprive him of his will and make him feel shame for any offense - real or imagined.

"Where are you? Why don’t you pick up the phone right away?”

A toxic partner seeks to monitor his victim's every move. He demands that she report on his affairs and movements, and annoys her with calls and messages. Can install location monitoring programs on your phone. Can follow the victim personally. In a word, he does everything to prevent the “toy” from running away and getting used to feeling like he’s on a short leash.

“Yes, I read the messages on your phone. And what’s wrong?”

Abusers, without a twinge of conscience, can conduct digital surveillance of their victims. Read messages on social networks and instant messengers, listen to your phone, check your browser history. In some cases, they even demand passwords and invade the victim's privacy quite openly.

“This is common money. Should I have asked?

Emotional abusers do not consider it necessary to take into account the opinion of their victim and make decisions unilaterally. They can carry out some operations with common money behind their partner’s back. They can cancel a doctor’s appointment for someone else, refuse an invitation to a holiday, or express dissatisfaction with the boss because the victim spends too much time at work. In a word, they behave as if half of them have no rights.

“No, I won’t give you money. You'll spend it on nonsense again."

Financial violence is one of the favorite levers of aggressors. If the victim does not have her own income (unemployed, housewife, mother on maternity leave), they begin to reproach her with money, deprive her of finances for “misdeeds,” or give her tiny amounts that are not really enough for anything.

But even if we are talking about a working and financially independent person, the abuser will still find a way to leave him without funds. Will put all the money into his own account or stop paying the joint mortgage. He will simply take away everything he has earned, declaring that the partner does not know how to handle money, and will force you to account for every ruble spent.

“Where is my dinner? Bring it now!”

At first, abusers often seem sweet and harmless, but at some point they can begin to communicate exclusively in a commanding tone. Do this, submit that, go and buy it immediately, don’t take these medications anymore. The victim is expected to obey unquestioningly, without being at all interested in her opinion and needs.

“Again you’re driving me crazy!”

Outbursts of anger - unpredictable and completely incommensurate with the actions that cause them - are a characteristic feature of the behavior of manipulators. A person who has been in contact with such a partner for a long time begins to be afraid and literally walks on a tightrope, so as not to provoke another explosion. Because screaming, assault or pogroms can start at any moment - it’s enough to return home later than usual or not wash the dishes.

“You won’t succeed, let me do it better”

Abusers behave as if the victim is not an adult, but a small child who can and should be told what to wear, where to go, who to be friends with, what to do. The opinion of the other party is not taken into account. Such dictatorship is often served with the sauce of care. The goal is to deprive a person of independence and make him believe that he himself is not capable of anything.

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Instilling feelings of guilt

Guilt is an excellent lever with which a person is very easy to manipulate. And abusers know this very well.

“I see you’re flirting!”

The victim of an abuser may turn out to be unfaithful at any moment, even if she herself does not know about it. Smiled at the waitress? He was probably trying to flirt. Did you go to a corporate party in a beautiful dress? Well, everything is clear, this is only for the men from the office to stare at.

The “cheater” may be under surveillance; he will be forced to make excuses for every glance, sigh or smile, for every minute of being late - as if he were really guilty of something. And this is not to mention the screams, scandals and ugly scenes, including public ones.

"Aren `t you ashamed?!"

If the victim's behavior does not meet the expectations of her partner, she will definitely be told how worthless she is and how she disappointed such a good person. This will be done, for example, with the help of lengthy lectures and reprimands.

“I do so much for you! And you…"

When the victim tries to argue, object or defend their point of view, manipulators often begin to put pressure on feelings of guilt. They make it clear that they are ready to do anything for the sake of the relationship, and the other half is just an ungrateful bastard who does not value anything. By the way, this technique is very popular not only with toxic partners, but also with parents: “We have invested so much in you! Why do you hate us so much?

"It is your fault!"

It doesn’t matter what exactly is going wrong in the abuser’s life—the boss yelled, the project fell through, the tire blew out, he needs to find someone to blame. And for this role they usually choose someone defenseless and dependent, someone who cannot give a proportionate answer or send them away.

Isolation and rejection

Abusers often try to quarrel their partner with friends and relatives and force them to leave work. In a word, make sure that the victim is left alone, without anyone’s support.

“These friends were given to you. Let's have a better time together"

It is not beneficial for the abuser for his “property” to have a rear in the form of loved ones. After all, they can notice his inappropriate behavior earlier than the victim, blinded by feelings, and persuade her to leave. Therefore, it is very important for an emotional abuser to stand between his other half and her social circle. He will turn her against friends, quarrel with relatives, and directly or indirectly interfere with communication. For example, he will convince the victim that her family does not love him and is unfairly offending him, or that her friends are actually jealous of her.

"I do not want to talk to you"

One type of emotional abuse is neglect. For any “offense” the victim is punished with coldness and detachment. They deliberately deprive her of tenderness or sex, they stop talking to her, they literally stop noticing her, as if she is an empty place. If people do not yet live together, the abuser may disappear from the radar and stop answering calls.

As a result, the victim experiences a very rich palette of negative feelings - from discomfort to complete despair - and after some time is ready to beg for forgiveness, just so as not to feel rejected. And the abuser generously forgives her, so that after some time he can again give her an emotional swing.

"You are crying? Well, okay"

You won’t get sincere warmth and support from an abuser. If a partner is upset and going through a difficult time, an emotional abuser can easily ignore it, pretend they didn't notice, or say they have no right to feel what they feel.

Depreciation

The abuser tries with all his might to make the victim feel insignificant and worthless.

“Just think! Is this really a problem?

The victim tells her partner about something important to her, shares her experiences, and he demonstrates with all his appearance that this is nonsense. This behavior is called devaluation. It can be very hurtful and undermine your sense of self-worth.

Devaluation can be expressed not only verbally. There are also gestures like rolling eyes, snorting and tsking.

“You take everything too personally”

Such phrases can be a sign of gaslighting - manipulation, with the help of which they try to convince the victim of his inadequacy. Make you believe that she is too vulnerable and impressionable, or even inventing something that is not there. Typical gaslighter phrases: “You’re exaggerating”, “You just imagined it!”, “Don’t be so nervous!”, “Why are you making things up?”

If you pin an abuser against the wall with irrefutable facts, he will still deny to the last moment that he insulted you, raised his hand, followed you, or hid money. Or he will fly into a rage and declare that it was the victim who brought him to sin, which means that he himself is to blame for everything. All this is needed to destabilize the partner and achieve his submission.