Abusive parent: signs, what to do, consequences

Definition of the concept

Abusive parents are people who periodically commit physical, psychological, financial or emotional violence against their own child. It may consist of ignoring his needs, manipulation, humiliation, screaming, causing physical harm and other manifestations.

Parental abuse can manifest itself in various forms:

• physical (assault, torture, corporal punishment);
• sexual (violent actions against a child, from which the parent receives satisfaction);
• emotional (psychological suppression of the child’s personality, manipulation, devaluation of his actions and achievements);
• ignoring the child’s needs (medical, physical, emotional).

Such a toxic attitude has a strong impact on the psyche and leaves its mark on the lives of older children. It is very difficult to get rid of all negative attitudes, work through this topic and regain adequate self-esteem. This is only possible with a strong desire and long-term therapy with a psychologist.

Types of abuse in relationships

Since abuse means violence, the first association is beatings and rape. However, this is not its only variety. There are other forms too. This can be various types of abuse in the family and types of abusive relationships that occur in a work/creative or other group.

Physical abuse

Bodily violence or physical abuse is the use of brute force against a weaker person. The result is pain, deterioration of health, injury, damage. This species receives more attention than others because it leaves visible marks. Although “competent” tyrants know how to do this without anyone guessing what the victim experienced.

Physical abuse can last for years or decades until the death of the victim. At first, objects are thrown at the person, then he receives light pushes and blows, which gradually develop into suffocation and beating. Although the abuser is not interested in the death of his victim, he can get carried away and cause harm incompatible with life.

Children often become hostages of the situation. They may be subject to physical abuse from adults.

A rude, systematic attitude towards a child is a sign of abuse. He cannot respond in kind, he closes himself off, he is afraid to attract attention once again. The victim complex is successfully instilled from childhood and flourishes in adulthood. Sometimes, growing up, such victims of violence turn their anger on their tormentors and become like them, or copy the model of behavior in relation to their own family and others.

Psychological abuse

Emotional or psychological abuse in a relationship is the impact on the victim through words, intonation, inaction or harm. Most often, the list of tools includes ridicule, suppression, humiliation, and intimidation. A psychological abuser does not break distance and does not touch the victim or use physical force. But such exposure is fraught with the appearance of depression, increased anxiety, or the occurrence of post-traumatic syndrome.

In addition to unpleasant dialogues, the tyrant exhausts his victim with mocking and humiliating messages in instant messengers, sends SMS messages, and writes insulting notes. If the initiator of the abuse is a woman, then she does it with passion and with all the bitchiness she is capable of. A favorite technique is the appearance of such messages in the most unexpected places at the wrong time.

Psychological abuse also uses verbal violence. It is characterized by the use of obscene language, insults, and intimidation. All this happens most often in front of witnesses in order to suppress the will of the victim, deprive her of confidence, cut the ground from under her feet and ultimately subjugate her.

Economic abuse

A financial or economic abuser seeks to take over the victim's wallet. He or she will do everything to control expenses and subjugate the owner's financial resources. Most often it is women who are guilty of this. Among financial abusers, the majority are representatives of the “fair sex”.

Often the victims are elderly people or elderly people who fall under the influence of relatives or scammers. If the guardian has control over the finances, he can abuse his position and spend the victim's money at his discretion.

Since he does not report to anyone, he can manage the finances of his ward with impunity. This type of abuse is often found in our reality. These include grandchildren who drink away the pensions of unfortunate old people and unscrupulous guardians of minor children who live on their benefits.

Economic abuse in the family occurs as often as physical abuse, only it is less noticeable. Because victims do not realize that they are being taken advantage of because of their age or because they are afraid, tyrants go unpunished. This instills in them a sense of omnipotence and increases self-esteem. Self-affirmation at the expense of the victim in one form or another is the main goal of the abuser.

Sexual abuse

Abusers of this type use several levels of influence at once - physical, financial, psychological, emotional. There are no reliable statistics on sexual violence. Victims are ashamed of what happened, feel afraid, or do not realize what happened (for example, children). Sexual abuse can be unconscious or conscious. In addition, it can be hidden and obvious.

Forcing physical intimacy in any form is violence. It implies:

• Entering into sexual relations through coercion;
• Inappropriate or unwanted sexual references;
• Insistence on unprotected sexual intercourse;
• Taking advantage of the victim's helpless state (drunkenness, childhood or old age, physical weakness).

The consequences of such abuse are very sad for the victim. She suffers from anxiety, sleep disturbances, panic attacks, fear of relationships, guilt and shame about what happened. All these many other consequences of violence destroy the psyche and affect the personality and haunt a person for many years, and often until the end of life.

Children and adolescents, especially boys, sometimes become victims of unconscious sexual abuse. This applies to those young men whose mothers demonstrate frank behavior, walk naked (partially or completely) in their presence, and allow themselves manifestations of intimacy that are unusual in the relationship between a son and mother. Such behavior is fraught with the development of various kinds of complexes in the young victim and problems with women in the adult future.

As a rule, older male relatives show abuse towards girls, forcing her to show her genitals or showing hers. Hidden abuse is not so obvious, but it leaves a deep traumatic mark on the psyche of the future woman. If an adult man talks about sexual intercourse in the presence of a child, without mincing words, this forms a distorted picture of reality in the fragile mind.

Inducing sex with a teenage girl and using her as a sex slave creates a victim complex that most people are unable to get rid of. In fact, this cripples the child’s psyche. Crossing this boundary in communication is unacceptable. Every person has the right to physical and moral integrity in the sexual sphere, regardless of age.

Causes of parental abuse

Victims of being raised by toxic parents believe that the reason for this behavior lies in themselves. They wonder: “What’s wrong with me?” They consider themselves bad and wrong children and are completely wrong.

The cause of abuse is the broken psyche of the parents themselves. It can be any personality disorder: narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy, schizophrenia. Because of it, the parent is not able to adequately perceive the surrounding reality. What causes pain to a child is seen as love. And the victim’s attempts to hide or defend themselves look like a challenge to the abuser.

Most often, parents continue to use on their children the same parenting techniques that were used on them. It was then that their psyche began to change and led to a situation where the scenario was repeated.

It seems to them that children should a priori be obedient, so their own irritate and disappoint them with their incorrectness. At such moments, parents usually say to their children the phrases: “At your age, I was better, more obedient, more respectful of adults.” And behind these words lies not even regret, but envy of your child, because he should not be happier and freer than them.

Those who were victims of abuse as children are never fully able to grow up. Therefore, such a parent is not inclined to empathy and self-development, and therefore does not want to learn to use other parenting methods. He is not able to conduct a dialogue, give arguments for and against, because he is sure that only his opinion is correct.

Reviews from women about leaving toxic relationships

took it and left, it was still a hassle for almost 2 years, he called at night, stood guard at the entrance to me and my parents, threatened, took the child, terrorized everyone with one word... then the visits stopped, he began to pester me on the phone occasionally (especially when he learned from his mother that I’m doing well when I brought her grandson), now for 6 years I haven’t heard a word from him, he’s not interested in his son, he doesn’t call me, I know from the words of his mother that he has another son, but what about the new family no idea, not interested...

Guest

https://www.woman.ru/relations/marriage/thread/4593438/1/#m52802644

My ex has all the makings. Tyrant and manipulator. We dated for six months. We lived for two weeks. I left so as not to end up with what is being described here... They write correctly. Create all the conditions (where to leave) and leave without warning. Of course, it is good to enlist the support of relatives and friends. So that there is someone to rein him in if something happens, to protect you

Horns and hooves

https://www.woman.ru/relations/marriage/thread/4593438/1/#m52805680

You need to leave silently, having planned everything in advance. I didn’t make a fuss, I found an apartment, the owner helped me move my things. I waited until he was at work, asked for time off from work, silently took everything out and no one knows where I am, except for my parents and a few close friends. If it rings, don’t pick up the phone, change your SIM card, break all contacts. I did it and I'm happy. I left 3 weeks ago, just enjoying the freedom. I am preparing documents for divorce. Don't be afraid, he won't do anything, such people have thin guts, they're just show-offs. Leave, go nowhere, but never feel sorry for such people and do not live with them.

Guest

Read also:  What is the difference between a creative person and a non-creative person - 18 signs

https://www.woman.ru/relations/marriage/thread/4593438/1/#m52817891

My husband was also a tyrant, I wrote a statement to the police several times (he is a former cop himself), I recorded all the beatings at the doctor, it was useless, then I wrote a statement to the prosecutor’s office about the inaction of the police and the restrictions on human freedom on the part of my husband, I myself took a day off from work for 2 weeks, she left the children with her grandmother and moved in with a relative whom he did not know where she lived. I went looking for it at work, asked my daughter at school, guarded my grandmother’s house. Then over time I fell behind. Now I remember it like a nightmare.

Lily3

https://forum.ykt.ru/viewprofile.jsp?forum_id=32&user=%D0%BB%D0%B8%D0%BB%D0%B83

I left collecting my things when he left to get beer. And I don’t regret it, my son was four years old, now he’s 16 years old. When I left him, I frightened him with everything, he cut his veins and jumped from the ninth floor, but he’s fine, he’s alive and well, he’s doing well.

Valstepanova12

https://forum.ykt.ru/viewprofile.jsp?forum_id=32&user=valstepanova12

Signs of abusive parents

Abusive parents are presented as terrible tyrants with everything written all over their faces. But in most cases this is not the case. They love their children, but do not know that they can show their love in a different way without causing harm to the child’s psyche.

Such adults have at their disposal a whole range of the most sophisticated methods of influencing a child.

Physical abuse

Problems that can be solved with explanations, persuasion and persuasion are solved by toxic parents through physical actions. Spanking, slapping the head, pulling the arm is a less energy-consuming and more effective way to force a child to obey.

Rejection

This psychological method is also common among toxic parents. You can tell a child that if he does not obey, does not become what he should be, then he:

• they will be given to an orphanage, to the police, to strangers;
• they won’t take you to the theater, circus, or for a walk;
• will be replaced by someone else because he is not talented enough, smart enough, or even of the wrong gender, etc.

The child takes such phrases quite seriously, trusting the authority and correctness of the parent’s decisions. They hit self-esteem hard and make the idea that a child can be loved just like that seem mythical.

Ignoring

This method is used by parents who themselves experienced emotional cold in childhood. It is easier to frustrate and not notice the child’s desires and needs than to resolve complex issues and conflicts. In everyday life, an adult takes care of his child: feeds, clothes, treats, but does not show himself emotionally in any way: does not support, does not sympathize, does not strive to establish contact.

Overprotection

A controlling form of abuse: the parent is the only one who knows best what and how the child should do in childhood, and then in adulthood. For any violation and inconsistency, children must bear responsibility and punishment, and then obey the abuser even more so as not to make things worse.

Terrorization

This type of abuse is usually used by parents with a weakened psyche. They lash out at the child, express their anger, and then apologize and make amends. This causes an intrapersonal conflict for the victim, because it is impossible to guess when and why a kind and loving parent becomes a source of evil and a threat.

Blackmail

A common type of abuse because children easily believe everything their parents say. They can blackmail a child for any reason, even threatening suicide: “If you don’t answer calls, it means you don’t need a mother, you’ll be better off without me,” “Look at what you’re bringing me to.”

Chronicles of an abuser: not a day without violence

Together with family psychologist Sofia Pimenova, Pobeda26 figured out how to avoid becoming a victim of an abuser. It is generally accepted that abuse is no less than a blow to the face. However, abuse occurs more often in life. It manifests itself in persuasion to drink on the first date, in the use of derogatory nicknames, in passive aggression. An abuser can be a man, a woman, or even a child. How to recognize a manipulator and what to do if you suddenly realize that you are a victim of abuse?

“A woman who has no backbone will make concessions”

Artyom and Anastasia studied at the university together. We talked and sometimes met each other at student parties. Then life took everyone on their own path. Five years later, Anastasia’s quiet everyday life was disturbed by an unexpected call: Artyom suggested meeting at a restaurant. The girl did not refuse. At the end of the date, after endless compliments, the young man took a box with a ring from his pocket. He admitted that Anastasia is the ideal that he has been looking for all his life. Then the girl thought this act was romantic. After a few months of family life, Artyom changed. He began to be jealous, make trouble and reproach. Anastasia had no idea that she had fallen into the clutches of an abuser.

How to recognize an abuser on the first date?

— We’re talking about a couple at the very beginning of a relationship: she’s just met a man, he’s cool. How can you tell that he is an abuser? First of all, if he starts a relationship exaggeratedly quickly. Immediately gives expensive gifts. For example: there was only one meeting, they just drank coffee, and the very next day he gives her an expensive gift and says - you are my ideal, I am ready to marry you. That is, he takes it unceremoniously.

Simply put, does it idealize a partner?

— Psychologists have a term: the Madonna-Whore complex. It lies in the fact that some men of a certain character first treat a woman like Madonna - with exaggerated admiration. In my opinion, it is impossible to understand from one meeting whether you are suitable for each other or not. Then, when a woman enters into this relationship and gets married, she turns into a whore: she loses her value. And you can treat her accordingly. Thus, the first reason for a woman to think is whether the start is too fast?

Besides the quick start, are there any other markers?

— Abuse manifests itself in small things. For example, a first date, a couple is sitting in a cafe. The girl says she doesn't want to drink. A normal person will not insist. The abuser will say, okay, it’s okay just once. Now, the ignoring of other people’s desires has already begun. And a normal woman who has a backbone will not date such a man again. A woman who has no backbone, no matter how strong she may seem outwardly, will make concessions. Well, really, you can drink it once. It's not necessarily about alcohol. The examples are different. Maybe she doesn't like him smoking in front of her. Something has to violate a woman's boundaries.

That is, if on the first date there is an offer to drink, then there is definitely an abuser nearby?

- Not just such a proposal, but any request that violates boundaries. Anything that will violate your personal space. There is nothing terrible in the proposal itself. The terrible thing is that if you say no, that no will not be heard. There is nothing abnormal in the offer to drink or smoke. Maybe the man really wants it. But he must understand that if it makes someone else uncomfortable, then stop.

Do abusers target strong or weak people?

— An abuser can take a strong, bright, courageous woman who attracts attention. And break it. This will raise his self-esteem. It's easier to break a pacifier or a gray mouse, but it doesn't grow the ego that way. Therefore, an abuser can choose an outwardly very strong woman. Usually inside she has fear, uncertainty, trauma. And the abuser feels this very well.

Can abusers say good things, give gifts, and why do they do this?

- Of course they can. Any victim of an abuser has an excuse: sometimes I feel very good with him, sometimes he’s normal. But all these gifts have a hidden meaning behind them. There are no sincere gifts from abusers. They will still remember one day: “I bought you boots, gave you a car, but you still remained a fool!”

So this is pure calculation and manipulation?

- Not really, it’s just behavior in the nature of an abuser. It is almost impossible to change an abuser if he does not want to. And more often than not, it makes no sense for him to change.

“No matter what she does, he will still hit.”

Elena is a freelancer, wife and mother of two children. She learned to combine the impossible: part-time work and raising children. While her son is in kindergarten and her daughter is at school, Elena sits down at the computer. Several hours a day bring her an average of 15 thousand a month. At first everything went well, but then insults began to pour in from my husband. Every evening, when he returned from work, he started a scandal. At first, he ridiculed his wife’s attempts to earn money. Then he moved on to open insults. Elena repeatedly heard that her work could not be compared with her husband’s workload. Naturally, productivity dropped sharply and income decreased. Elena began asking fellow freelancers about how to return to work in such a situation. It didn't even occur to her that the problem was hiding elsewhere.

Can people live with an abuser for years?

- Yes, many people come to me and they have a clear idea in their heads that abuse is when you are beaten. Abuse is not only physical violence. I have clients who live for 5-6 years in marriages with real abusers. When a woman fails at something, for example, the pie is burnt, the man begins to insult and humiliate her. Such clients come to me and ask to save their family. They say they love their husband and the family is wonderful. To remarks that insults are not normal, they respond: “But he didn’t hit me.”

Based on this, it turns out that there are a lot of victims of abuse...

— According to some statistics, 85% of us are people with a borderline condition. That is, these people live in such a sick environment. They are unhappy, but they accept this as the norm. People don't even know that this is violence. Well, he called me a fool, but we have love and children. But abuse is not necessarily physical violence. This is, in principle, a failure to satisfy the basic needs of the partner. The need for respect is an equally important human need. It is clear that it is not as deep as the need for food or sleep, but also basic.

Is it possible to help a person if he does not see that he is living with an abuser?

— He should come to a psychologist. Or at least just think: what’s wrong with me? Because there is something wrong with him too. People in a couple are linked to each other. Yes, the husband is an abuser. But there is a certain problem with it too. She takes such communication as the norm, that is, she believes that she can be treated like this. And when she comes, the psychologist tells her that it shouldn’t be like this.

There is a therapeutic technique that quickly dots all the i’s. The question that puts everything in its place: “Would you like your child to live in the same marriage as you?” It works especially well if a woman has a daughter. And if the answer is “no,” and most often the answer is “no, I don’t want my daughter to hear insults,” then the psychologist asks the following question: “Why don’t you want a similar future for her, but you yourself live in such conditions?” This technique works well because the person usually strives to give the best to their children.

What else do you need to pay attention to in order to understand whether you are living with an abuser or not?

— First of all, for the presence of passive aggression. In this case, the abuser does not swear directly, but makes it clear in every possible way that his partner is unworthy of him. For example, a woman says: “Darling, let’s go eat.” And the man walked up to the stove, opened the frying pan, sniffed it, grimaced and left.

For sabotage, when something is important for one person, he asks, but is not heard. For example, when they ask not to call something in front of friends. But the partner doesn’t hear. Sabotage of desires occurs. One person made a demand, but the other didn't care. He openly ignores other people's needs.

In general, I always recommend that clients rely on their sense of self. Listen to yourself. Ask the question: “Am I really happy? Or has the lack of happiness become the norm?” And ask the question again: “Would I like my child to live the same way?” If not, you have a problem.

Is it true that the main characteristic of an abuser is mood swings?

- This is not a defining feature, but yes. Including manic phases of excitement - breakdowns - occur on loved ones. For example, a husband comes home with a gray face from anger and lies down on the sofa. And the woman knows that no matter what she does, he will still hit. She is only to blame for living with him and accepting violence as the norm. The woman is not to blame for his specific problems. The man picked up negativity from the outside: he was told nasty things at work, someone cut him off. Abusers very often have swings with self-esteem. And so he did not defend himself in front of his boss. And at home he has an object through which he can assert himself.

So it turns out that abusers are narcissists?

— Abusers are not always narcissists, but narcissists are always abusers. Narcissists are abusive in certain ways. They have no empathy at all. They don’t care whether their partner feels bad or not. For example, a narcissistic mother. She knows you have an exam. And she demands: “Write to me, I’m worried!” And so on several times. That is, she puts herself above everything that happens to you. Narcissists do not meet the self-esteem needs of others. Such mothers, if we are talking about parents, often get sick and do not recover for a very long time. The child wants to leave, and every time, right before the move, the mother either has a heart attack, or a fracture, or a cold. And so all the time.

Is this also an abuse?

— We are talking more about toxicity here, if we talk about formal psychological definitions. Toxicity is also a type of abuse. There is harm to mental health, but indirectly.

“The fact that there are more abusers among men is a stereotype”

When Anatoly met Alexandra, everything was fine. A few months after they moved in together, problems began. At first it all seemed like a joke. In the company of mutual friends, Alexandra made fun of her man’s shortcomings. When he asked him to stop, she shrugged her shoulders and said: “Come on, you’re a man, why do you need cute jokes?”

The “nice jokes” were followed by real reproaches. Daily. Behind them is passive aggression in the form of insults and silent strikes. Criticism, jokes and insults had one goal - to do as Alexandra wants. Did Anatoly consider himself a victim of an abuser? Of course not. He, like other people, was accustomed to thinking that only women suffer from domestic violence. Anatoly did not go to a psychologist, and the couple broke up for a long time, painfully and painfully.

Are women often abusers?

— The fact that there are more abusers among men is a stereotype. Men also suffer. Women just have slightly different methods. We are used to thinking that a man beats and a woman endures. But a woman can nag or press guilt, ridicule, giggle. She can be friends with children against dad, easily. For example, a woman may say: “We would go for a walk, but your dad got drunk again.”

Abuse implies a gradation of manifestations. Violence begins with disrespect. Most often, the victim tolerates the initial manifestations, tolerates ridicule or disrespect, and the abuse moves to the next level. First, “Daddy just got drunk,” then “Daddy is an asshole,” then the woman might hit.

Can children be abusers?

— A child can be an abuser towards another child. In relation to an adult - no. I'm talking about children under 18 years of age. But there are nuances. If, for example, a child is drawn into a war and he is on the side of his father. Then he, together with his father, will show abuse towards his mother: insult, humiliate. There are such examples. When a man initially treats a woman with contempt, after some time, and the child adopts this, he becomes infected. It turns out their mother is such a fool. This is not always directly stated in words, but it always manifests itself. Everyone in the house giggles at Mom. The child is not to blame for this. He has no choice. He lives in the system and he takes this model as a working one. Not because he is bad or there is something wrong with him. But because this is his only way to survive and maintain mental health.

So, it is useless to drag a child to a psychologist if, for example, he calls his mother names?

— Working with children is useless if parents do not go to a psychologist. Parents often come and ask to do something with their child so that he will obey. But it doesn't work. If parents don’t change, everything is meaningless. He will listen to the psychologist, understand something, return home and do as is customary there.

Do abusers rarely come to a psychologist and admit their problem?

— They come, but they have other requests. The abuser's request essentially sounds like this: help me break another person. For example, changing a child. Make sure that the child obeys him or the wife obeys. They don't ask you to work with them themselves. A normal psychologist, of course, refuses.

Does family therapy help in such cases?

“If a couple comes together, that’s already very good.” This means that they have the strength to join hands and reach a psychologist. People who come to therapy together have a better chance. This is already a marker that they can at least agree on something.

Are the chances high in this case?

- There are always chances. In any case, there is a chance for a healthy separation. For me, as a family therapist, saving a family is not an indicator of work. Families are not always preserved. An indicator of quality work is the happiness of each partner. When they are happier separately than together. It doesn't really matter whether they stay together or separate.

Is it possible to recover from a relationship with an abuser without the help of a specialist?

- It depends on how deeply a person has entered into a relationship. You can recover without therapy, but a person must have self-analysis skills, read the right books, and be able to listen to themselves. It's possible, but difficult.

Irina Krymskaya

Illustrations: Polenka Tarasevich

What to do if parents are abusers

It is important to note that there is always only one abuser in the family - the mother or father. The second spouse, like the child, is subject to violence, and therefore is not able to act as a defender.

It’s even worse when the victim spouse tries to please the abuser and begins to imitate his attitude towards the children. The child has to endure double violence.

Therefore, the victim has two options for the development of events: life in submission or work on oneself and liberation. This will require a lot of effort, time and courage. An adult child must realize that his life is the main value, and he can dispose of it as he pleases.

Stages of a victim's life with abusive parents:

1. The child is influenced by his parents and easily believes in their words and beliefs. This also applies to insults; children really begin to believe that they are bad, worthless, crooked, stupid, etc.
2. The victim realizes the atmosphere in which he had to spend his childhood, understands how much time has passed in blind faith to his parents and what the betrayal on their part was. This usually happens in adulthood.
3. An adult child frees himself from the thoughts and feelings imposed on him, is ready to break off communication with toxic parents and take responsibility for himself and his life.

What is abuse in a relationship?

Recently, I have been seeing this word more and more often in my environment. It is used by the authors of stories in public pages and ordinary girls in conversations, sometimes without understanding who the abusers really are. For some, this is just a fashionable word that can be used to call their partner who does not want to satisfy their next whim, but for others it is a serious problem in the image of a person. Although the role of tyrant is usually assigned to a man, women can also exert psychological pressure.

An abuser is simply a rapist or rapist (so to speak). Yes, not some maniac from a dark alley, but a faithful husband, a dearly beloved wife or colleague. Often this becomes the boss. In a destructive relationship, one of the partners reveals his essence as an aggressor, and the other is forced to become his victim. These could be family ties, romance or joint activities. More often than not, men revel in their power; abusers are a rarer occurrence in life.

Both are capable of putting pressure on the psyche, and sometimes they do this in very sophisticated ways. One day I met such a person on the way, an abusive man who tried to subjugate himself. Fortunately, I was able to recognize the “predator” in time and prevent the consequences. Later, this valuable experience was very useful in life and saved me from big troubles. Some are less fortunate, and they do not even suspect that they are in a trap skillfully placed by an abuser.

Disguised rapists are much more common in life than we might think. An abusive woman may have an angelic appearance, but a luxurious handsome man from the cover of Forbes may not live up to his image of an ideal man. Such individuals have a sharp mind, ingenuity, are endowed with charm, charisma and know how to charm. Rarely do any of them immediately reveal their true essence.

My recommendations

In childhood, a person is not yet able to understand that he has become a victim of an abuser. As an adult, it is not only possible to understand this, but also necessary in order to feel your independence and begin to live life to the fullest.

1. Trust your feelings. If it seems that parents are stifling with their advice, care or prohibitions, then you should think about what is happening. Monitor your feelings by writing them down and analyzing them.
2. Remember that it is not your fault that you were treated this way. But the choice of further actions and responsibility for your life is yours.
3. Give yourself permission to be angry with your parents. You have every right to your emotions, and forgiveness should not become a suppression of feelings. Remember that anger can be not only negative, but also a good source of energy.
4. Keep your distance from abusers and do not develop conflict if you do not have the strength to deal with it. To get out of a toxic relationship, any method is suitable, even a complete break with your parents.
5. Constantly be interested in the topic of abuse, read sources, communicate with specialists. Analyze this information to develop awareness and look at the situation from the outside.

I am an abuser: how to help yourself

Yes, there are often people who admit that they are abusers. Some of them take their “disease” calmly, some even like it. And others feel that they suffer from their abuse and try to get rid of it.

Abuse is not a mental disorder, it is just a special personality type. It is possible to change such a personality, but only if she herself wants it. You can keep a diary. You can ward off “attacks” of abuse: every time the desire to annoy someone arises, you need to hammer a nail or mentally cut off your finger. It is necessary to control your behavior: learn to listen to your interlocutors, understand their point of view, respect their right to freedom, and not overstep the boundaries of personal space. It is also necessary to understand that there are no justifications for violence: they are all just hypocrisy, wishful thinking.

You should not be ashamed of the manifestation of human feelings. Any strong personality needs these feelings.