Why we undermine our relationships and how to stop doing it

Many people perceive love as some kind of external force. It “pierces us like an arrow” or “covers us like an element.” It seems that nothing depends on us and we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. However, such a belief prevents you from seeing your actions from the outside and changing something for the better.

“I took it for granted that in the end I would be abandoned, that everything would end in failure,” recalls psychologist Raquel Peel, who, in her own words, engaged in “romantic self-sabotage” for quite a long time. Driven by a feeling of doom, she ended the relationship as soon as the slightest difficulties arose. Many people do the same without realizing the reasons, and there may be several of them.

Why do we undermine our own relationships?

We are afraid of intimacy

Although intimacy is a universal human need, Intimacy and its relevance in human functioning. , some people associate it with negative rather than positive experiences. This naturally causes a desire to protect oneself, that is, to break off relationships or avoid them altogether. Most often, fear of intimacy arises from difficult relationships with parents or guardians. For example, if they violated the child’s personal boundaries, neglected him, shamed him or frightened him.

Trust with them was destroyed and a belief emerged that loved ones would inevitably hurt or abandon them when support was needed most.

“Even when we don’t remember such early events, the emotional memory remains,” says psychotherapist Mercedes Coffman. “It triggers an increased pain response in romantic relationships that seems too harsh to other people, and sometimes to ourselves. This pain causes us to sabotage relationships that could potentially grow into something wonderful.”


Laughter and a positive attitude help to forget everything and enjoy life. Many of us are afraid of embarrassment, wrongly spoken words or stupid actions. Self-analysis takes so much energy from us that, if we collected it and put it in the right direction, we could illuminate a small city. The strongest and most internally intact people have a unique skill. They can and are happy to laugh at themselves. Why bother when you can smile and move on?

Sometimes it’s amazing how people talk for years about some incident that happened to them many years ago. Each time these stories are emotional. I just want to say, “Forget about it already!”

Well, you too, forget about what’s bothering you! As the song says, “It was, it was, it was, but it’s gone.”

Forgot! They scored! Let's go! :)

Currently reading

( 2 ratings, average 5 out of 5 )
Did you like the article? Share with friends:
For any suggestions regarding the site: [email protected]
Для любых предложений по сайту: [email protected]