The energy of conflict: why some people irritate us for no reason

Are you annoyed by a self-confident colleague, a neighbor who peeks at you, or a talkative relative? It's time to think about the reason for such a reaction. Why do these particular people, this particular behavior, awaken the inner Cerberus in you? No matter how sad it is to admit it, you will have to look for the root of troubles not in others, but in yourself. Yes exactly. After all, the outer world is a mirror reflecting our inner state. So, let's look at the main reasons why a person is annoyed by another person and what to do about it.

What really pisses us off?

When hostility is manifested towards an obvious scumbag, everything is somehow clear and transparent. He is bad - we are good, white and fluffy. But when good people are annoying, the question arises - why such a reaction? There are several main reasons.

Envy burns us inside

Not everyone is ready to admit this even to themselves. For a long time I myself denied the presence in my character of such a disgusting feeling for me. I told everyone around me - I don’t envy, it doesn’t bother me at all what my neighbor/friend/acquaintance has, etc. But envy comes in different forms; it doesn’t have to ooze poison.

It’s enough just to compare yourself with someone and see your weaknesses. This may concern appearance, material side, health, mind. Consciously we understand that this person did not harm us. But at the subconscious level we hate him because he is better and more successful in some ways. It’s not for nothing that from childhood we are taught to participate in obvious and hidden competitions, to scold ourselves for the slightest mistakes.

We are annoyed by our own reflection

The first time I encountered this was when I enthusiastically told my sister how much I didn’t like one woman, how wrong she was, how bad she was, etc. My sister's answer shocked me. She said: “You just look alike.” At first I zealously argued that this was not so. And then I thought about it. Indeed, our characters are different, but there are similarities in thinking, statements, and worldview.

This woman is the embodiment of qualities that I do not accept or recognize in myself. If I don’t have some character traits, they don’t affect me, although they can infuriate those around me. Therefore, if another person annoys you, think about it, it is quite possible that this is your reflection that you are hiding in the shadows.

People don't dance to our tune

It happens that a person begins to irritate, as if out of the blue. It seemed like we were communicating normally, but at some point the voice and demeanor began to irritate us. When the desire to sail with a person in the same boat disappears, most likely he did not live up to our hopes. The closer and dearer someone is to us, the more we demand and expect from him. But people were not born to fulfill our whims, not to make us happy exclusively. They have their own life tasks, goals, aspirations. And we have to take this into account.

Obsession with the past

It is human nature to make mistakes. But he also tends to change. We often get stuck in past situations, grievances, dialogues, not wanting to let them go. As a result, we do not see positive changes in our obvious or imaginary offender, attributing to him the negativity that we experienced in the past.

The act does not have to be terrible. Perhaps someone did not greet us, spoke poorly of us, did not show us due respect, did not reciprocate goodwill, friendliness or love. By holding a negative reaction, we become irritated by the mere presence of this person.

We ourselves create the world around us

We create reality with our own hands, thoughts, desires. We ourselves attract people into our lives. What they are like and how they treat us depends entirely on us. If people are annoying, it's time to think about your behavior. What's wrong? Perhaps you have become too grumpy, picky about yourself? Maybe you can’t accept and love yourself? Having corrected the internal cause, the external one will eliminate itself.

Punished by themselves

Why do we strive to understand the reasons for hostility towards other people and get rid of it? Because we feel its harmful effects on ourselves:

Relationships with others, including those closest to you, deteriorate. The desire to listen and understand each other disappears. We want to be loved, we want to receive joy from communication and from life in general. Where can I get it if everyone around me is annoying?
We get stuck in negative feelings. After all, it often happens that we mentally return to unpleasant situations, experiencing them again. We're overthinking ourselves. We feed our grievances, envy, discontent. And usually, when a person is annoying, we are forced to see him periodically. Even if it’s a random person you meet, the situations are repeated.
Difficulties arise in taking constructive action. For example, problems arise at work due to conflicts with colleagues or management. Or the desire to do something around the house, for the family, disappears due to hostility towards loved ones. The ability to work on oneself and develop disappears. Stress resistance suffers.

We ourselves are losing! Everywhere: from the everyday level to the scale of a lifetime.

What to do if a person is annoying? Work on yourself!

Have you tried to cope with irritation? Some special techniques and tips like these:

Take a deep breath and count to ten. It’s as if the problem will disappear in these moments, and the unpleasant person will correct himself!
Limit communication with the annoying person. What if this is your boss? Or husband?
Think about pleasant things. How is this in general? Thoughts are spontaneous.

By the way, I’m collecting the most useless and ridiculous tips on how not to get annoyed. Share your experience in the comments. I would appreciate that!

Dislike for others is sometimes inevitable. Our task is to learn to use it as a useful tool for understanding ourselves and our own shortcomings. It’s like a bell from a higher power: ding - you have problems here, you need to work on them . Deal with them and everything will change for the better.

It's difficult to do it alone. Thousands of people have benefited from Yuri Burlan’s “System-Vector Psychology” training. The training does not promise fairy tales about universal love. It gives a deep understanding of the psyche - your own and those around you, awareness of the characteristics and shortcomings, ways of filling them, getting rid of negative internal states. Understanding why people are annoying and what to do about it comes naturally.

Interest in others on your part and sympathy for you on their part is a natural additional effect. Here are examples of those who have experienced this transformation themselves:

Ready to test for yourself how it works?

Author Ekaterina Zhavoronkova Editor Tamara Tkachenko Proofreader Natalya Konovalova

The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan’s online training “System-vector psychology”

By being irritated with others, we harm ourselves

The storm of emotions that arises in us at one glance at an unpleasant person triggers a whole series of processes in our body. This is a kind of stress that negatively affects health and interferes with life and development. How not to react to a person who is annoying and not harm yourself? To do this you need to understand the following:

By not accepting ourselves, we create rejection from others. The manifest world is a reflection of internal space.
Emotions paint our lives in colorful tones. By getting stuck in negativity, we ourselves attract a bad streak, we attract people who are unpleasant to us. It is difficult to break out of this circle, but it is possible.
We put an energy charge into irritation, which means we lose our strength. Additionally, we send a request, telling the Universe that people who irritate us can influence our lives.

There can be only two exceptions:

When a woman is constantly in a state of romantic love that obscures her eyes. As a rule, this is the merit of a wise man, or their love really turned out to be the same one sung in books, films, and poems.
When a woman initially soberly assesses reality - and has come to terms with the shortcomings of her loved one in advance. That is, she accepted him as he is.

In all other cases, reality comes to a woman like an insult to a child who, instead of candy, is quietly slipped into his mouth with a piece of “healthy kohlrabi.”

What to do if a person is annoying?

Finding out the cause of hostility is already 50% of the solution to the problem. Sit down and in a calm environment analyze your attitude towards the person. You can even do it in writing. Find out when it started and what preceded it. Having identified this as resentment, envy or a reflection of one’s own negative qualities, it will be easier to restructure and reconsider one’s attitude towards a specific person.

The most important:

Stay aware. Most people express emotions reflexively. Try to choose your own reaction to the behavior of another person, take responsibility for your feelings. It's difficult, but with practice, you will significantly improve the quality of your life.

Love yourself, accept your individuality. You won't find the same people all over the world. So why do we diligently drive ourselves into rigid boundaries, trying to be like someone else? By comparing ourselves with others, envying their successes, we betray ourselves and deny our own merits.
Take responsibility for your life. There is no need to look for those to blame, this is a road to nowhere. Each person is a teacher who sets us certain tasks.
Feel unity with the people around you. Nobody owes us anything. Everyone came into the world to solve their problems, improve, and develop.

How to communicate with a person who is annoying? No one is perfect, be forgiving of other people's shortcomings. Stay aware, don't give in to automatic emotions. And most importantly, accept yourself fully with all your nuances. Having established peace and tranquility in your soul, you will receive the same in external manifestation. You will gain impenetrable armor that will protect you from irritating factors.

How to deal with irritation

If you are constantly irritated, the first thing you need to do is realize that the problem is you. It's difficult and painful, but without it you won't move. Everyone around you will seem bad except yourself, and the struggle will be directed outward. As a result, the situation will worsen.

Moreover, people's patience is not unlimited. If at first those around you turned a blind eye to your irritability, with each outburst their discontent will grow. You risk finding yourself in a vacuum and losing all your close friends. I hope I didn't scare you too much with the consequences? Great, we can move on to the recommendations.

Rationalization

Pick up a pencil and a piece of paper and record the latest outbursts of irritation and aggression. Remember what factors contributed to the triggering of the negative reaction. Perhaps the trigger was some action or word addressed to you? Or maybe the aggression was preceded by a violation of the usual way of life and routine?

Thoroughly analyze several typical situations. You may be able to look at them from a different angle and draw important conclusions. Next time, you will be able to recognize the irritating stimulus and slow down your reaction.

Martial arts

If you can't control the urge to punch someone in the face, you can go ahead and do it. Just be prepared to get hit back. Martial arts are a great way to utilize your aggression. Boxing is best. This sport seems to have been created specifically to combat deviant impulses. It is not even necessary to resort to the help of other people; you can limit yourself to hitting a punching bag.

The fact is that irritation and aggression provoke specific physiological reactions. We may feel increased heart rate, difficulty breathing, and cold extremities.

The body responds to the stimulus by mobilizing internal forces and tension that requires release. By suppressing and trying to drive our destructive emotions inside, we increase the risk of their somatization. Therefore, it is imperative to look for socially acceptable ways to relieve tension.

Meditation

Regular meditation will help bring your thoughts and feelings into harmony. You will learn to manage your states and neutralize aggressive impulses.

I offer you a step-by-step technique for entering a state of meditation.

Sit back comfortably in a chair, turn on some calm music and relax. Make sure that no one or nothing distracts you for about 20 minutes. Turn off your phone and ask your household not to disturb you.
Select a point on the wall in front of you at approximately eye level and peer at it without blinking.
When your eyes get tired, allow your eyelids to close on their own. Feel calm and peaceful.
Imagine an object that is familiar to you, for example, your favorite cup. Contemplate it for at least ten minutes. Try to recreate all the details in your imagination and imagine the colors as vividly as possible.
If extraneous thoughts enter your head, drive them away and return to contemplation. At first it will be difficult, the consciousness will jump and resist. Gently guide him in the direction you need without strain or violence.
After 10-15 minutes, open your eyes, sit a little longer - and you can return to business. Don't get up suddenly and interrupt the session; give your body the opportunity to readjust.

After two weeks of regular exercise, you will feel the first results. Consciousness will become clearer, concentration will increase, and the emotional background will level out. You will feel control over your emotions and begin to slowly crawl out from under their power. Uncontrollable outbursts of aggression and irritation will begin to subside.

A change of scenery

Even the most beloved familiar environment can set one’s teeth on edge if one does not dilute one’s life with new impressions. This is especially familiar to residents of central Russia in the autumn. Cold and grayness can make even the most cheerful person despondent. The state of “everything pisses me off” becomes common at this time.

Give yourself a reboot and dilute your boring routine with new colors. It is best to take a vacation and go on a trip to a distant country. New places, new people, new knowledge. For your body, such a trip will be a breath of fresh air.

If this is not possible, visit a nearby tourist town over the weekend that you have never been to before. Walk along unfamiliar streets, visit museums and exhibitions. Or treat yourself to a spa weekend.

Specialist help

If irritability negatively affects the quality of life and spoils personal relationships, it is better to consult a psychologist. He will help you find out the cause of this condition and select adequate methods of influence.

Nervousness is successfully eliminated with the help of cognitive behavioral therapy, psychoanalysis, art therapy, and neuro-linguistic programming techniques. After the first session you will feel much better.

Don't take everything to heart

Very often we simply misunderstand a person. Perhaps he simply did not express his thoughts quite accurately or his day was not going well in the morning. You shouldn’t lash out at someone, because they might lash out at you back. This will only escalate the situation. Rise above this, concentrate on the matter at hand, not paying attention to the inadequate reaction of your interlocutor.

If you feel tired and low on energy, take a break and go for a walk. Set boundaries for your personal space where no one can disturb you.

Remember that you are the creator of your own happiness

Of course, it is difficult to soberly assess the situation if someone is getting on your nerves. However, never let others drag you down.

If someone's words really touch your heartstrings, look into yourself. Maybe you are not confident in yourself or are worried about some work issues? If so, focus on solving problems that matter to you.

Don't compare yourself to others, because we are all different.

Remind yourself of your achievements more often and don’t let anyone ruin your mood because of some little thing!

Analyze your irritation.

Do everyday little things and suddenly revealed unpleasant habits of your loved one irritate you? Slurping and an open tube of pasta, a bag of garbage forgotten at home, bananas that he did not buy according to the list, the sound of a spoon in a cup, walking around the apartment in boots, and so on.
Or have you become annoyed by his very presence in your life? His voice, gestures, smell, touch, laughter, thoughts, etc.?

If you recognize yourself in the second option, then you urgently need to sort out your family life, because your ship of love is rapidly flying to the reefs.

If your option is rather the first, then start looking for the causes of irritation... with yourself.

Accept the fact that you won't be able to get along with everyone.

This is fine. Some people like you, but others can't stand you. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or others. Each of us just has our own preferences.

The decisive role here is played by the difference in characters. An extrovert will find an introvert boring, and a convinced realist may find the wonderful mood of an optimist inadequate.

We tend to invest energy in what we like. Let's say one of your friends or colleagues is annoying you. Of course, you will not seek a meeting with him and maintain contact. But sometimes this approach can develop into open hostility.

From under the rose-colored glasses, it suddenly becomes clearly visible that the Hero of your novel...

Expensive eau de toilette doesn't always smell attractive.
Doesn't lower the toilet seat.
Brews one tea bag twice.
Lying lazily on the couch with a tablet after a hard day at work, instead of taking you on romantic walks, as before.
He doesn’t come every day with a bouquet and a stuffed bunny.
The parasite doesn’t notice that you bought new linen and beautiful curtains.
For some reason, he no longer enjoys long shopping trips with you.
Doesn't give compliments in the morning.
It doesn’t suddenly whisk you away in the middle of the week for a divine picnic by the lake.

And so on.

Naturally, all this is outrageous! How can he even do that! Scoundrel and scoundrel.

In fact, after a certain amount of time spent side by side, not only the rose-colored glasses come off, but also your own attitudes. You stop playing with each other as if on stage, and both open up to each other like open books.

On the one hand, this suggests that you have become really close people to each other. You no longer need to smile theatrically, admire, or be touched. There is no need to pretend that you wake up with gorgeous makeup, sleep in erotic positions and wear only a silk robe and stiletto sandals at home. You finally got to know each other intimately - and that’s a plus.

Yes, you may not like all the pages of an open book, but that’s okay too. Simply because we are all different, and idealizing each other is a temporary phenomenon.

So, where might the “legs” of your irritation come from?

You, as mentioned above, have taken off your rose-colored glasses. You became close enough to see each other in all their glory, and without your rose-colored glasses, your spouse turned out to be a completely ordinary man. Who likes to relax after work, who is not capable of nightly intimate marathons, who also wants attention, affection, relaxation and understanding (what a shameless one!).
Everything irritates you. Because, for example, you are pregnant. Or you have hormonal problems. Or is there another very specific reason that makes you irritated by everything and everyone.
You are a princess. And you are not happy that they no longer want to carry you in their arms, give you millions of roses and take stars out of the sky every day.
He's too tired. And he simply does not have the strength left to remain a knight on a white horse after an exhausting working day.
You yourself have ceased to be a princess for him , as a result of which he has lost the reason to be a prince, a knight, a hunter. Firstly, why take care of a princess who is already yours. And secondly, where can romance come from if the princess greets you from work in old sweatpants, without makeup and a delicious dinner, with cucumbers on her face and worn out slippers. Or even with a cigarette in his teeth, through which he spews three-story curses on this unjust world.
Your life is like Groundhog Day. And monotony has ruined many young families. If this is the case, everything is in your hands.
You are not satisfied with your intimate life.
You are tired of everyday problems.
You are infatuated with someone else. A woman can lie to herself endlessly, but if a new man appears on the horizon who inspires her, then the man with whom she lives instantly “grows with shortcomings.” Because that other one seems completely different from the already familiar guy you know from his underpants to his deepest thoughts. And that interesting new man on the horizon (whom you may only ever communicate with in one of the chats) is probably screwing on a cap of toothpaste, not throwing away his socks, and not skimping on tea bags. Is it so? No. You're just idealizing again. But already a different man. Don't lose your chickadee while you're studying a new crane.
You are tired of family life in general. You don’t want to share anything, cook dinners, wait for work, organize a party on your day off, entertain his guests, etc. You want silence, freedom, loneliness.
You spend too much time together. For example, you work together. If you are with each other almost 24/7, then fatigue and irritation are quite normal. You just don't have time to miss each other.
He ceased to be that Hero who “with one left hand” solved all problems for you. Here, too, everything is not so clear. In most cases, it is women who cause men to stop being heroes. The more powerful a woman becomes in a relationship, the more often she “dictates her will,” the more often she shows independence in resolving certain issues, the less a man has the desire to be an Atlantean, on whose shoulders everything rests. Why, if the wife took on this role?