Comment on his actions and your reaction, clarify the reasons. “Now you are saying hurtful words to me, why are you doing this?” or “You smile, but say unpleasant things, I don’t know how to react to your words.” This method is more suitable for communicating with colleagues, acquaintances, loved ones, relationships with whom you will have to continue, despite their rudeness. There is a chance that a person will look at himself from the outside and rethink something in his behavior.
Where this method works: universal.
Thanks to those phrases that especially offend you in the speeches of street louts, you can get very interesting information about your fears, strengths and weaknesses. Resentment is a blow that hits the target. If a woman firmly knows that she is a good mother, loves her child and is loved by him, she will never take seriously accusations that she is a bad mother. If she herself is worried about this, the slightest hint will be very painful, and an experienced boor, seeing the emotional response, will “come off” in full.
Our emotional reaction feeds the energy of the boor. Seeing that he has been noticed and his words are being responded to, he will continue his attacks with redoubled force. Therefore, boors often choose for their attacks people who react violently to rudeness. It is important to understand that among boors there may be mentally unbalanced people, and their reaction to your harsh answer can be completely unpredictable.
Source: How to react to rudeness Rudeness can ruin even the most rosy mood and there is no insurance against it. We encounter them in a variety of different, sometimes unexpected places. Woman.ru will tell you how to avoid the unpleasant consequences of such meetings. https://www.woman.ru/psycho/medley6/article/49913/
Vanity of nothingness
Vanity is a way to deceive yourself, gaining satisfaction from the illusion of your own greatness. At advanced stages, vanity develops into star fever and then into megalomania - a smug paranoia with which a person, out of nowhere, imagines his own power, beauty and genius. All this is the other side of humiliation. Vanity is exalted baseness .
Sometimes, when we ask for help, or when this help is offered to us without our request, we can experience humiliation, because there is a stamp in our heads that help is required by weak, helpless, or inferior members of society. Some proud people will not ask for help, even if someone’s life depends on it.
We are humiliated not so much by “kings” as by people equal to us, but in their vanity, who imagine themselves to be kings. And if this happens, it means that our position is below average; people can spit and pour slop in our direction as long as we allow it. In a certain sense, the desire to be “above” others is baseness, which is trying to rise at the expense of others.
A vain nonentity rejoices in the pain of others and becomes an “energy” vampire who feeds on the suffering of others. The insignificance seeks out people's sore spots in order to feel power over them. This is where legs grow, including: selfishness, snobbery, ambition, pride, star fever and a sense of self-importance. By putting on all these pompous masks, we flaunt our own humiliation within ourselves. We exalt ourselves to the skies, trampling our own suppressed insignificance into the dirt. This is how we create and maintain an internal mental split in which our greatness is the other side of our insignificance.
When a person experiences humiliation for a long time, he loses self-respect and self-esteem becomes low. He closes himself off from others, hides his pain, protecting himself with a mask of a false personality, which is artificially constructed to hide mental trauma. As the internal split grows, the psyche becomes less and less stable, and the person is in constant tension, because he cannot be himself, cannot reveal to others, or even to himself, his insides, disfigured by the bleeding wound of humiliation.
With such a wound in the soul, a person painfully perceives any criticism, accidentally heard outside laughter takes it personally as mockery, and even an innocent remark reminds him of suppressed humiliation.
At the same time, an outside critic is sometimes perceived as if he saw through the humiliated person, revealed his secret about a mental wound in the soul, crawled under the skin, and, recognizing the weak point, injected into its very epicenter.
All these are personal hallucinations of a wounded soul. That is why the psychotherapist, listening to the client, at some appropriate moment can talk about similar cases from the past. Perhaps, in distant childhood, when the child was unable to digest humiliation, this experience was repressed into his unconscious. And in the unconscious, mental wounds do not heal, but continue to bleed. To heal, you need to patiently open up, eliminating all false disguises, and face your own fears.
It is not surprising that even innocent criticism can evoke hatred in a wounded soul. A humiliated and vain person is susceptible to flattery, and is extremely dependent on the opinions of others, which others sometimes consciously or unconsciously use. A once humiliated person often plays it safe, defending himself even where there was no sign of an attack, which makes him seem unreasonably harsh and aggressive.
The more advanced the “situation”, the more stressed a person is, the more difficult it is for him to communicate with other people, the more lonely a person sometimes feels. In such a situation, the role of a psychologist may be indispensable. A suffering person needs to be simply listened to, allowed to be himself, accepted without any judgment, sensitively and with respect for his essence.
Why does a husband insult his wife in front of his mistress?
A man, like a woman, needs someone to cry to. He cannot tell family friends or relatives what a “bad” wife he has. As a result, instead of having an honest conversation with his wife, he finds an outlet in the person of a strange woman.
The only correct way in this situation is a direct conversation with him. There is no point in blaming or reproaching him, as he will simply go on the defensive. The purpose of the conversation should be to identify the reasons for his dissatisfaction and find a compromise. Remind him that he has no one closer to you and cannot be.
The love of a vain nonentity
Falling in love with such a wound in the soul can become an extremely painful experience, filled with a cascade of difficult to overcome illusions. Painful pride projects onto the beloved the joy of possible acceptance of the wounded soul. A mental wound is projected onto separation or the inability to be in the company of a lover. In other words, a person living with the wound of suppressed humiliation tends to attribute the pain from this wound to separation from the object of his “love.” There are a number of articles on this topic on progressman.ru under the tag “attachment”.
At the opposite pole, it is convenient for the sick psyche to attribute internal self-aggrandizement to “victories” on the love front. Such a person in a relationship does not so much build a relationship as assert himself, trying to prove to himself with another victory that he is not a pathetic nonentity. And if this self-affirmation is resisted, “love” suddenly turns into hatred.
Why do we hate our beloved? He did not stroke our pride, did not exalt our person, showed that we are unworthy of such treatment, and therefore our vain majesty falls into the other extreme - humiliation. Hatred is mixed with love, because refusal of reciprocity tramples pride, which in fact was just a cover for one’s own inner insignificance.
And by the way, the more our beloved tramples our pride into the mud, the more we “love” him! Remember? One extreme supports and strengthens the other. This kind of painful “love” goes hand in hand with vanity, hatred and humiliation.
Let me remind you that we are not talking about any real insignificance, but only about his conflicting feelings and guesses about his own account. We do all this to ourselves. This is how the mental mechanisms of duality work. We trample ourselves into the dirt in order to exalt ourselves later. Most of us suffer from such mental “wounds” to varying degrees.
Why people are rude: reasons for the increase in aggression
Every day we wonder what is happening to people. Why do they turn into a pack of animals, capable of tearing a person apart. The answers are given by experienced psychologists who study the interaction between people in society. Everything, as it turns out, begins in childhood. And why should there be any surprise? If someone raises their eyebrows, they are clearly disingenuous. All the blame for the aggravation of anger in society lies with adults - parents.
We have little free time. We are chasing earnings, we want to buy an apartment, equip it better, buy a car, wear expensive clothes, go on vacation to the best places. What about the child? Even reading a bedtime story is a problem – there is no time. So that he does not demand attention to himself, we pay off - we give expensive gifts, sweets, then cars, separate apartments. As a result, a natural consumer grows into whose ears words about honor, dignity, good manners, decency, respect for others, etc. were not whispered in a gentle mother’s voice.
School. Here a community of people by interests already arises. And as soon as a child falls into a flock of small “animals,” he immediately tries to adopt their habits. That's right - who wants to stand out from the crowd. You need to be with those who are more numerous, so you have a better chance of staying alive. That is, children disappear into the mass of rude people, since, unfortunately, there are more of them - after all, we are growing a society of consumers.
We are not developing culturally, but good examples of our parents and grandparents were positive heroes: Martin Eden, Jane Eyre, Don Quixote, Robinson Crusoe and other characters from popular works. What now? The maximum that young people can do is watch a film on the Internet. But for the most part, children spend their time in nightclubs, drink enormous amounts of alcohol, smoke tirelessly, and drink energy drinks. You can’t look at their online comments without tears; they’re full of obscenities, swearing, and 5 mistakes in a 4-letter word. It feels like Russian lessons at school have been completely cancelled.
Being angry is fashionable! Yes, this statement is true. We have repeatedly witnessed showdowns on live broadcasts between classmates, students, and young guys. Now there are a huge number of videos on the Internet - reports of the beating of a bad friend or a classmate that he didn’t like. The cruelty is breaking records.
Television, films. The main attribute of every home is a TV and a computer. It constantly plays films with rude and boorish characters, because of which a cult of arrogance, aggression and enmity has arisen.
Vanity of civilization
Our entire civilization is based on self-affirmation of our own worthlessness. Think back to your childhood. We have always liked heroes who stroked their egos especially skillfully. The cooler the hero, the more masterly he exalts his ego: the indestructible Terminator, or the powerful Neo, defeating the neurotic Smith, Cinderella, who made her way from the bottom of society straight to the prince, Barbie, born in the wealth and luxury of pink glamor.
What is Pushkin's fairy tale about the magic mirror worth? The crafty mirror inspired the proud queen that she was “the dearest in the world.” And so, a whole mess ensued around the queen’s low self-esteem! The “cruel” truth that the young princess was more beautiful, the queen’s sick psyche could not accept rationally, and in order to keep her image at its best, the queen was ready to go “all the way.” The list can be endless. Every story has a suitable example.
And we become the greatest masters in this difficult task of vain self-aggrandizement on the spiritual path when, renouncing pride, we indulge precisely that – pride on ever more sophisticated and refined levels. I think this should be approached with calm understanding.
Symptoms
Not all women understand what should be considered humiliation and insults. Some wives are tormented by the dilemma “Is this abnormal or did I imagine it? What if I’m screwing myself up?” In fact, everything is simple: if some of your husband’s actions and words make you feel uncomfortable, then you didn’t think there was a problem. Anything that hurts your pride and self-esteem can be considered humiliation and an insult. It doesn't matter whether other people consider it an insult.
Vanity and humiliation
A long experience of humiliation does not mean that a person can be given up on. On the contrary, by overcoming imbalance, we gain wisdom and become stronger than we could have become without this strengthening experience. All mental “illnesses” are surmountable. Our weaknesses are simply those mental “muscles” that need to be worked on first, turning weakness into strength.
Often when we see others being criticized, we can easily recognize the critic's subjectivity. But if our person is criticized, then we begin to take the criticism seriously. A kind of “coupling” occurs when the hallucinations of the critic seem to coincide with the hallucinations of the humiliated one.
For example, a dominant boss scolds a subordinate, reaching the point of tyranny, and towers over the person who depends on him. And the subordinate, actively participating in the “game” not on equal terms, is humiliated, establishing himself in the position of a weak junior manager. The subordinate perceives this as an “objective” reality, a “common” space in which this single process of humiliation and elevation occurs between two subjects. All this feels so realistic, as if it really were an objective reality. And the reciprocal hatred of the boss also seems justified and appropriate.
However, this whole situation occurs in the head of the subordinate. There is no “objective” reality where the boss, in the role of alpha male, humiliates the subordinate. These are all subjective perceptions, dualistic mind games that most people play in their heads every day.
What's really going on in the boss's head doesn't matter. The boss's subjective experiences do not go beyond his head. If a boss masturbates in public to please his vanity, this is his “national” problem. The subordinate only hears the timbre of the voice, sees facial expressions, and characterizes all this in accordance with his life experience. And if in his experience there is a psychological trauma of humiliation, it is naturally projected into a new, similar situation.
In psychology, there is a term “classical conditioning”, which refers to the process of developing a conditioned reflex. Perhaps you have heard a joke about laboratory monkeys?
Two monkeys are talking in a cage: - Friend, what is a conditioned reflex? - Well, how can I explain this to you... Do you see this lever? As soon as I press it, this man in a white coat immediately comes up and gives me a piece of sugar!
Conditioned reflexes occur when, for example, we react to a neutral situation emotionally because in our head it is associated with another situation from the past, where we have already shown exactly these emotions.
That is, when a subordinate hates the Boss, perhaps he actually hates his father, or a bully classmate who in the past subjugated our subordinate, suppressing his psyche. Perhaps the boss's comments were innocent, but some subtly similar shades of his actions awakened repressed feelings in the subordinate and caused an inappropriate reaction.
That is why it is advisable to maintain healthy self-esteem in a child, because the child’s consciousness is not yet able to fully realize the illusory nature of mental duality. Trauma inflicted in early childhood is repressed into the unconscious and can haunt the individual throughout his life. After all, it is in childhood that our basic ideas about the world and society are developed. It is extremely difficult to change them in adulthood.
Humiliating others is a much worse form of pride than extolling oneself beyond what one deserves. Francesco Petrarca
Pride is an echo of past humiliation. Stepan Balakin
Don't humiliate yourself before anyone: don't look down on anyone! Leonid S. Sukhorukov
If you have not humiliated yourself, nothing can humiliate you. Richard Yucht
How to react?
Everyone here has their own boundaries and methods too. You can nobly turn the other cheek and accept all reproaches stoically. In the end, BDSM culture is not alien to many citizens of our country, there is nothing to be ashamed of. But you can also remember everything that the streets have taught you and get involved in a verbal altercation. However, you can’t even imagine how bad it looks from the outside. A real market scandal begins, but the reason is most often completely insignificant. And not everyone is able to compete on par with the bickering geniuses who live for it and every day hone their skills in oratorical duels on public transport and at counters.
There is also an opinion that politeness is the best weapon of a thief. This also applies to your situation (no, you don’t have to steal anything first). Some people are simply not ready that during a conflict I will communicate with them as at a social reception: by no means, if you please, my regrets are not exactly these words, but communication in a similar vein will at least reduce the degree of misunderstanding.
If you are afraid of public speaking, some people advise imagining that everyone in the room is undressed. For God's sake, don't do this when talking to a conflicted person. There is advice that in such situations you can imagine your opponent as a child - the same as he was 20-30 years ago. And now in front of you stands just a capricious, self-centered kid who was offended at school; his parents forbid him to connect the set-top box to the TV. I don’t want to argue with someone like that anymore—I want to regret it. So take pity on him and your nerves.
Conscious humiliation
Sometimes humiliation is chosen deliberately for various reasons. For some, humiliation is a kind of psychological extreme that gives a liberating feeling of uninhibition, overcoming boundaries and freedom from fear.
Fans of extreme sports, for example, during skydiving, feel something similar, with a characteristic rush of adrenaline. The relaxedness of feelings gives you the feeling of being “knee-deep in the sea.”
In other cases, some people like to feel like a subordinate thing, with which the owner will do whatever he wants. This, I believe, is a distorted need for acceptance and trust, somewhat analogous to the trust a child has in his parents.
I already said above that humiliation is the other side of vanity. Perhaps people with great power over others (supervisors, bosses, etc.) may deliberately choose humiliation to smooth out their self-esteem and defuse tension.
In our society there is even a separate psychosexual subculture “BDSM”, which is based on humiliation and dominance in sexual relations. Followers of BDSM get excited and release emotional tension by breaking social conventions and taboos in their role-playing games.
Sometimes they humiliate themselves in order to manipulate the vanity of another person, whom they elevate by their humiliation. For example, humiliating himself, a person in the role of a weak person simply seeks to relieve himself of responsibility in order to leave all difficult matters for a “strong” person, susceptible to flattery and vanity. The one who is humiliated at the same time may consider himself smarter, since he managed to achieve what he wanted with his “cunning” manipulations. Or the humiliated person simply wants pity, and longs to remain forever in the comfort zone, where it is convenient for him to be helpless and weak.
Beggars and beggars also play on pity for their humiliating situation. They say that some of these “beggars” earn money by humiliation much more decently than their benefactors.
Sometimes people resort to deliberate humiliation in order to avoid punishment from the dominant authority. If authority is played into a “game,” it also increases the split in its psyche, swinging the pendulum of vanity and humiliation.
Another, rather rare version of conscious humiliation - with the spiritual goal of pacifying pride and vanity. But with such a goal, a person does not so much humiliate himself as learn to show humility. And such humility, I believe, should not be confused with humiliation. Ordinary humiliation is always a certain kind of self-deception and rejection of the current situation. Humility on the spiritual path, on the contrary, is associated with acceptance of life as it happens. Humiliation is different from humility, just as neurosis is different from holiness.
Advice from psychologists
Even strong girls sometimes don’t know how to behave in situations where a man insults, humiliates and behaves obscenely. Psychologists give several tips that you should pay attention to and practice them in everyday life:
- You need to take care of yourself and your development. This could be going to the gym, dancing, English courses or other activities that make you better and make you increase your self-confidence.
- Under no circumstances should you cope with resentment and irritation with the help of alcohol: this is not a solution.
- Never tell a man about your shortcomings.
- Watch the right films, listen to lectures by psychologists who help women become successful, self-confident and strong.
- Don't get into conflicts with your husbands. If they happen regularly and constantly, leave. A strong and self-confident person will definitely find a life partner who will appreciate her.
These tips help increase self-confidence and not focus on shortcomings. If you love yourself and show respect to yourself, exactly the same attitude will be observed from the opposite sex.
What is not recommended to do
What not to do during a quarrel with your spouse:
- respond to aggression with aggression (insults, physical force);
- provoke (behave badly in order to justify the characteristics that are heaped on you);
- to leave or withdraw into oneself without understanding the situation;
- be silent and endure;
- discuss the problem with anyone, but not with your husband.
