Some women compare an evil husband to an active volcano. They are constantly on alert and waiting for him to explode. Even a small outburst can immediately throw him off balance and ruin your mood. Although you hadn’t noticed this about him before. You had a wonderful relationship, but at some point your husband became angry and you don’t know how to deal with it. I would like to share my knowledge on this topic. Since I had to consult people with such problems quite often.
Temporary confusion of mind
Everyone has dark streaks in life, and men are no exception. They work constantly, trying to give their wives and children everything so that they do not need anything. Sometimes, even the strongest person can get tired of little things - improperly placed dishes, an unironed shirt, and more. How to overcome temporary dissatisfaction when simple methods do not help?
- Psychologists recommend taking a time out. No, not in a relationship. It's about work. If your husband comes home from work angry, you need a day off. Vacation is not always granted just in difficult situations at the company. Therefore, a woman needs to create a paradise at home in which she will not want to remember about business.
- To attract attention - work should never come before family. If there are children in the house, involve them so that the father feels needed at home.
Psychologists say: the stronger sex is so vulnerable that it struggles hard with illnesses and minor problems. The reasons for this may be not only difficulties at work, but also hobbies that arouse greater interest in men.
Psychologist's advice
How to behave if your husband has become aggressive and irritable, how to properly resolve conflicts? Recommendations from a psychologist in the field of family relationships will help.
- Gently remind your partner of his shortcomings if you feel that attacks and accusations against you are groundless. Offer to improve and develop together - a joint business always unites.
- Try to find the cause of your man’s outbursts and discontent, and figure out whether you are contributing to the process of forming negative emotions.
- Don’t let anger, uncertainty, or irritability take you out. Do not take accusations at face value, do not humiliate yourself by adapting to all your partner’s claims and fantasies.
- Do not put pressure on a man, forcing him to act against his will, obeying your desires and demands. Allow your partner to strive and achieve something of their own, even if you yourself do not see the value and importance of it. The spouse also has his own desires and goals, do not deprive them. The best way to persuade is negotiation; use dialogue to resolve conflicts.
- Don’t hide your grievances, tell your partner about them, build feedback. Sometimes things happen that happen only because the man has no idea that you are not into it.
- Strengthen your own self-esteem.
- Remember your dignity in difficult moments. Sometimes it is worth pretending that nothing is happening in order to devalue emotions.
- Manage yourself, this extends to those around you. Self-control often solves problems more than shouting and strong emotions. At the same time, it is also necessary to let off steam, but in more painless ways, there are a lot of them (physical activity, hitting a pillow, playing sports, etc.). And then the question of why the husband became like this will disappear
- If this is a manifestation of MIS - male irritability syndrome, then a man needs female warmth and care more than ever. At this time, attentive attention from loved ones will help you get through a difficult period. Otherwise, the husband will forever be in this state.
Causes of irritation: why is he angry at home?
Any woman feels betrayed. And when a man comes home in a good mood, and then suddenly becomes gloomy, it’s not about work. This means you need to look for “symptoms” in the family:
- An annoying wife - she always pesters me with questions, is interested in work, and doesn’t stop talking. Such women do nothing except at home. Hence the genuine interest in other people's lives.
- Poor appearance - housewives rarely go to beauty salons and are often burdened with child care. You need to unwind, arouse interest in yourself.
- Double life - men get tired of monotony. As in the film “I Love My Husband,” the wife, represented by Elena Klimova, was able to return her chosen one to the family and prevent him from leaving. More precisely, he went to her, his wife. Perhaps the man has another woman who is taking up too much of his time. And unfulfilled expectations depress the husband.
The lack of desire to return home only speaks of a faded passion. And this can be fixed - a lady should take time for herself. And the saying “The less we love a woman, the more she likes us” also applies to husbands.
How a caring husband turns into an evil tyrant
Dear in the romantic period, its manifestations take such forms that you cease to recognize your chosen one. You liked it so much when he suddenly squeezed you tightly, on the verge of the pain threshold, you felt so much strength and reliability in this, the strength of his feelings, attraction, your chosenness... now... it will never come to real violence, but sometimes you feel behind it strange aggression, desire to cause pain. If you ask to let go, he may hesitate, as if receiving a strange pleasure from it. His jokes on the verge of a foul made you laugh a lot on your honeymoon: “Are you sure you can go out in this?”, “Be quiet, woman,” “You’ll know who’s boss.” But now they look like cruel mockery, while for your partner it is normal.
At the same time, nit-picking about order, criticism for poor performance of household duties, and unfair reproaches, taken, as it seems to you, out of thin air, have increased. He is looking for opportunities to slightly belittle you, level off your merits, say something unpleasant, for example, “I cleaned up well, but forgot to put my slippers back,” and then immediately make up for the negative impression: “Well, come to me, I’m joking, You know". And these endless “buts”, endless “under-”. In the end, you feel deep hidden grievances against you, while you would definitely pass the qualifying round of the “best wife of Russia” competition.
Stereotypes and fictitious problems
It is not always possible for a wife to accurately determine what the problem is. A specific female gut can talk about a crisis, difficulties at work. Sometimes she becomes self-absorbed:
- how often have you caught yourself thinking that your husband has grown cold;
- it begins to seem to you that he has fallen out of love and wants something new;
- you can't get over the idea of him leaving.
If you remove all speculation and find out during a conversation why your husband is angry, it will become clear that the situation lies in his inability to present problems. This could be a torn tire on a new wheel, or a broken automatic transmission. Sometimes even the smallest situations can cause indignation in such fragile creatures as representatives of the stronger sex.
What not to do
Oh, this selfishness! Many people, especially often among women, completely forget about their partner at such moments. They begin to worry not so much about the reasons for their spouse’s behavior, but about its consequences.
There was such a case in my practice. A crying girl came to the reception and said that she had once again had a fight with her lover. Lately he had been rude to her, and she didn’t understand what was going on at all.
She talked for a long time about what he didn’t like and none of the problems, in my opinion, were that significant: then he accused her of not wanting to go to the store right now, then he scolded her for accidentally throwing out a phrase, later she parked the wrong way car.
It should be noted that the girl herself did not try to find a true answer to why this was happening, she was very worried about the fact that her voice was basically raised at her, the young man could afford to use swear words and other manifestations of aggression. She asked me to help her fix the man.
The young man called her again during our session, and I asked her to pick up the phone. The bulk of the “swearing” was occupied by him trying to explain what and how she needed to do in a specific situation, and she spent a long time telling her that talking in a raised voice was indecent. People did not understand each other at all and tried to solve different problems in the conflict.
As it turned out later, this girl’s man became aggressive after his father was hospitalized, but the couple did not talk about this topic. He continued to pour out his dissatisfaction on her, and she told her how a real man should behave.
The egoism of partners becomes a big problem for relationships. There are troubles in everyone's life that are difficult to cope with on your own. A person begins to fight like a wounded lion and the only thing he can do is take out his aggression on others. Of course, in this case, your own emotions and the fight for rights will not lead to anything good.
There is a clash of interests. One shouts about his views on life, but does not talk about what really worries him, and the second is only concerned that his partner has become something different.
Character and temperament
Once upon a time there lived a woman. She got married and was married for 12 years. Two children were already growing up and pleased with their grades. The husband was in a good mood all the time, the family did not know quarrels or scandals. At one point, she already became a fiend for him.
Psychologists call this behavior a “pattern module,” when a person in adulthood copies the images of communication with his family (with his wife, in particular), seen in childhood.
If the husband has become angry, but until a certain moment he seemed sweet and kind, the problem is in his upbringing. This type of husband is called a “gloomy household member” who is satisfied with everything, but nothing. It is difficult to understand a person - the individual demands not to disturb him. Well, that's how it should be. Follow his advice, don’t pester your husband with questions. Perhaps he will see that his parents' behavior model does not work in his own family.
Anger and alcohol
Alcohol changes people before our eyes. Some husbands become good-natured and feel sleepy after a feast. And in other men, alcohol awakens all the worst qualities. If the cause of destructive behavior is precisely the addiction to drink, you need to act immediately, because alcohol destroys not only families, but also lives.
If anger is episodic:
- limit access to alcohol;
- set a good example, abstain yourself, forbid your relatives from having a feast with alcohol, especially without any reason;
- turn home holidays into events, go for walks, attend cultural events, instead of home libations.
If the problem is spontaneous and the wife cannot control her husband, then the solution is to consult a doctor or a psychologist, because often alcoholism is a way to get away from personal or external problems. Conquering negative situations and fears is the key to healthy family relationships.
Aggression and irritability: forms of manifestation, or how to recognize a tyrant
There are several reasons to recognize the sources of your husband's irritation:
- Troubles at work, which he carefully but ineptly hid. A man’s brain does not always have time to switch from “work” to “home” mode. Because of this, “problems are thrown into the family.” They say about such people: “Don’t bring scandals into the house so that your wife doesn’t see your failures.” True, in difficult situations, men already stand in front of their boss, making excuses, although in fact their wife is looking at them in the bedroom with misunderstanding. Recipe: compensate for physical exhaustion with new events, overwork with a vacation, and lack of sleep with a banal full sleep.
- Psychological traumas of childhood - in most cases, aggression manifests itself precisely because of problems of the past. Once the boy was afraid to be left without his mother, and now - without his wife. And now she needs to return from maternity leave to work. Scandal. Misunderstanding. Without a specialist, the scandal cannot be resolved, and it will not be possible. Suspicions, pathological jealousy and family collapse will be born.
- “I just told him that it’s not time for a second child. And he screamed and left.” There are also such “persons” who see their parents’ relationship “at knifepoint” all their lives. If you accept this as the norm, any conversation will boil down to swearing and quarrels. Usually this behavior is noticeable at the beginning of a relationship.
- Alcohol and drugs. When it is difficult for a person to adapt and understand where reality is and where the point of no return is, he becomes angry and irritable.
- Male irritability syndrome (MIS). This is a new diagnosis in medical practice, which means a certain pathological change in the psyche of a man, like menopause (in women). The body no longer produces testosterone in the required quantity, libido decreases, and regression of sexual functions occurs. Some men take it seriously.
It is important for a woman to understand that her husband will not always be in a state of aggression. There is a way out - support, appropriate treatment and coding in case of alcoholism.
The most likely causes of male irritability
It is impossible to analyze absolutely all the causes of irritability and aggression in men in one article. We will indicate the most likely reasons and the most general recommendations.
Natural type of temperament
Everyone knows four types of temperament: phlegmatic, sanguine, melancholic and choleric. The most excitable type is, of course, choleric. He is quick-tempered and impulsive, reacts to the situation very quickly, without thinking, sometimes quite violently.
At the same time, melancholic people can be irritated by fuss and the need to make quick decisions.
What to do?
Natural temperament cannot be changed; the only way out is self-education. Automotive training, yoga classes, and various relaxation methods will help with this. A very effective tip: if you want to “explode,” take a deep breath and count to 10.
Physiological hormonal disorders
The level of male sex hormone really affects mental stability. Testosterone is the hormone that makes a man a man: it ensures the formation of genital organs, secondary sexual characteristics, stimulates muscle growth, sexual arousal, and sperm production.
Testosterone levels also affect mental processes in the brain. When testosterone levels decrease, a man becomes irritable, quickly gets tired, and outbursts of anger are possible. The level of testosterone production is influenced by various factors; its wide fluctuations throughout the day are known.
Its natural decline is observed during the andropause period (age after 40-45 years). In addition to changes in behavior, other signs will be noticeable: weight gain, decreased sex drive, decreased muscle strength.
What to do?
Testosterone treatment is prescribed only in severe cases. And so you can establish its production using non-drug methods. The main thing is to switch to an absolutely healthy lifestyle with sufficient physical activity, eliminating bad habits. Review the medications you are using; some of them may affect testosterone production.
Read more: How to increase testosterone naturally
Biochemical changes in the brain
This is primarily a decrease in serotonin levels. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter. It is responsible for many processes in the body, including mood. It is known that in a bad mood the level of serotonin is reduced, and in a good mood it is increased.
The mechanism of regulation of this hormone in the body is not fully understood. But two natural factors are reliably known to increase serotonin levels in the brain: sunlight and carbohydrate foods. A man is angry when he is hungry - this is a lack of serotonin. Addictions (nicotine, alcohol, drugs) are also mainly serotonin.
In addition, it is necessary to strive for positive emotions. In the serotonin-mood relationship, it is not clear enough what is the cause and what is the effect.
A long-term and persistent decrease in serotonin levels in the brain can lead to depression. And this is already a reason to contact a psychiatrist.
What to do?
No one measures serotonin levels routinely. Intuitively, you need to strive for those activities that will improve your mood: sports, a good movie (comedy), your favorite music, sex, communication with people you like. More walks in the sun, more light in general. Eat on time to avoid severe hunger. The diet should be rich in carbohydrates, but you need to remember that fast carbohydrates in large quantities can cause addiction to sweets. Alcohol is allowed in very moderate quantities.
Increased stress levels
We all know what stress is. For many, it is synonymous with change and anxiety. All that makes us worry is stress. At the same time, the level of stress hormones in the body increases - cortisol, catecholamines and others. These are the hormones that historically caused our bodies to run and escape from danger.
Nowadays, stress is not hunger, cold or wild animals; there is no need to run anywhere. Stress is overwork, public transport, traffic jams, inadequate management. Stress can also be attributed to the discrepancy between our capabilities and our desires. For men, this often means the loss of their role as a “leader”, provider, failure in their personal and intimate life.
What to do?
You won't be able to avoid stress at all. You need to learn to relieve constant internal irritation. This is relaxation, good sleep, walks, sports, favorite music, light film, sex, hobbies. During vacation, it is better to go away and change the environment.
What to do if your husband screams?
When a woman cannot literally shout to her companion, she tries to explain the position with her fists. Women are more emotional, so tears and hysterics can happen more often.
A man's scream is a last resort measure of defense. If the husband is angry, raises his voice, opens his hands for the first time, this is not a syndrome or a disease. This is an indicator of a high level of complexity in business and work. It’s hard for him to go through some period that he’s ashamed to talk about. Perhaps he made a fatal mistake and is afraid to admit it. Conversation to help and a restrained look at the problem.
A New Approach to Conflict Resolution
The men described above belong to the type of people with an anal vector. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan describes eight vectors, eight types of innate psychological properties inherent in humans. This is integral, systemic knowledge about the human psyche, which allows you to recognize his innate mental properties and desires, see the reasons for his behavior, and deeply understand the roots of one or another of your conflicts with this person.
Knowledge of the properties and manifestations of each vector, the criteria for their development and implementation in an individual person allows you to quickly and accurately determine what state a person is in and understand him “from the inside.” This is a fundamentally different approach to a person, since we apply all advice and knowledge through our understanding, our feelings, which deprives us of the opportunity to understand the nature of the conflict, and, as a result, resolve it.
Coldness in relationships: where did it come from?
When feelings cool down, the couple breaks up. They stop making scandals and swearing. It happens differently: everything irritates him, from her smell to her gait. A woman should find out how strong the feeling of hatred is. If the reason is different, it means that she was simply nearby - she fell under the hot hand.
If your husband has been angry and aggressive only recently, think about what has changed in his schedule and daily routine. We are sure you will find many answers to your questions.
Why did my husband become annoying: analysis of the situation
Before looking for reasons causing rejection and rejection in your spouse, try to analyze your own condition. Irritability tends to accumulate and can result in a major scandal that can destroy a family. Therefore, experts recommend not blaming your spouse for the current situation, but first eliminating factors such as:
- Conflict with relatives.
- Troubles in the work team.
- Health problems.
- Dissatisfaction with one's own life.
Important
Don't blame your husband if you are the reason for your irritability. Try to solve your own problems first, and then rethink your attitude towards your loved one.
If every action or word causes anger and rejection in you, then it is quite possible that the reason lies precisely there. At such a moment, the best solution would be to go to your parents. Let your husband stay at home, and you will have the opportunity to change your surroundings for a couple of days and think carefully about the future of your family.
Stress and fears
Men are dependent on how socially adapted they are. If, due to fear and female mockery, it is difficult for him to express himself, his libido and ego will be deep under the plinth.
There was another girl who loved her husband for his decisive qualities. He organized the wedding and covered the expenses himself. She didn't have any troubles. But as soon as there weren’t enough fireworks, the man threw all his strength into solving this problem. And so every time. His wife did not see him until he “resolved” the situation. That's why I fell in love with her.
There are people who are used to relaxing with a glass of wine, in front of the computer, or with friends. When a person is limited, he begins to get nervous - his salvation will be taken away, his efforts will not be praised, and he will not be considered a man at all. Women have to put up with it - to lend a helping hand, to be a reliable back, so that a little affection will come to them. Otherwise, all the problems will fall on the husband, and the woman can only put up with zeal and perseverance, not aimed at the direction of family and love life.
Manifestation methods
Aggression is sometimes a peculiar way of male self-affirmation. This behavior often occurs in cases where a person experiences a lack of love, attention, or warmth. In this way, he begins to fight for them, to prove that he is worthy of attention.
Jealous husbands aggressively express their rights over women. For many women, such emotions are mistaken for outbursts of passion, according to the principle “hitting means loving.”
It also happens that aggressiveness becomes a way of communication.
Aggressive behavior of a person is a manifestation of his internal properties, such as:
- weakness;
- lack of self-confidence and strength;
- inner anger;
- various psychological complexes. It’s easier for women to cope with them, because it’s easier to admit their inadequacy. Men are less flexible;
- various fears, especially not being realized, wealthy (in any matter), achieving something.
Often the husband is very hot-tempered and aggressive because this is a response to a ban, restriction of rights, infringement of dignity. A way to get what you want if it turns out to be impossible otherwise. When such behavior receives the approval of a partner, it is clearly established as not only normal and producing results, but also placing the spouse on a higher level, allowing him to dominate in the conflict. However, aggression has a property - it is like fire, it attacks everything around without choosing an object. Therefore, in the next conflict, the place of the neighbor or conductor will be the wife who recently admired her husband, who solved the issue with his fists.
Mental betrayal: what kind of life did he dream of?
Not only platonic infidelity is considered such. An angry husband came home. And what? The house was in order, my wife cooked and washed the shirts. Dinner is served, boots are polished. And he should have a drink and sleep for half the weekend. This is true.
Why is the husband angry, is something missing? He dreamed of a beautiful wife, but got a housekeeper with a caring function, like his mother. There are men who cannot imagine their life in a family - it seems to them that their wives will be flexible, faithful, and not make trouble. And when they receive it, they are disappointed.
You can't always live with your dreams. This is where a complex arises: someone else, not reliable, unable to organize comfort himself, failed to achieve it. My husband is constantly angry and because of the delicious food - there’s not even a reason to leave. As in the joke: “A woman is driving in front of me. It's annoying. He drives the car so carefully that there’s nothing to complain about.”
It’s the same in a family – ideal relationships don’t pass the test. There should be a fly in the ointment on which passion, attraction, and craving for each other will be built.
What to do in cases of male aggression
If your husband is aggressive, what should you do first? It is very difficult to restrain your emotions and not succumb to mutual aggression or violent tears, depending on the woman’s temperament. This is possible in conditions of composure and a rational approach.
First of all, you should not enter into conflict. A woman should avoid this in every possible way: go shopping, even if she doesn’t need anything, go for a walk, trying in every possible way to disappear from sight and stop being an annoying factor. When an aggressive husband is alone with his emotions, due to the lack of a punching bag, he will calm down.
Helping a man get rid of attacks of anger and irritability is possible only with his consent and willingness. No doctor will heal a sick person who does not want to be healed.
