These tricks will help you win over people and gain their trust.

  • September 6, 2018
  • Psychology of communication
  • Victoria Samarskaya

We all differ from each other not only in appearance. Some people come into this world with personal charisma and easily charm those around them, while others have to work hard to impress their interlocutor. How to win someone over? Are there any universal tips for those who want to acquire charm?

Instead of a banal “hello,” give people emotions

How many times have you walked into the office with a sour expression and an inexpressive nod? It's time to make contacts. For example, for this, instead of a dry greeting, learn to emphasize the importance of your colleagues: “Good morning, you look great! How are you feeling?”, “The day has just begun, and you’re already sad... is everything okay?” Don't be afraid to celebrate positive changes in your appearance or clarify the feelings of those around you. This way you not only show attention, but also feed their self-esteem, and this is worth a lot.

Based on my experience

I have always been attracted to the topic of communication, interaction between people, and relationship issues. I read a huge number of books on this topic, listened to audiobooks day and night, and perhaps it was the desire to understand the essence of human relationships that prompted me to choose the profession of a psychologist.

Already studying at the university, I began to consciously select books to read, and I was especially attracted to Dale Carnegie. His book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” became my reference book, and I still re-read it whenever I have time. It describes the secrets of people’s relationships so accurately and clearly that anyone can understand and apply these rules in life.

The book contains a huge amount of useful information, but a particularly important part is 12 tips from the author, which you must follow if you want to make a good impression on others from the first minutes of communication. I decided to share them with you in my article.

Don't be afraid to admit your weaknesses and mistakes

There is nothing more boring than polished perfection when we crush people with our huge egos. On top of that, a long list of advantages is repulsive and makes others feel depressed and unattractive against someone else’s shining background. It’s another thing to admit your imperfections and treat your weaknesses with humor. This position also defuses the situation, evokes sympathy and empathy. You are the same as everyone else, which means you are “one of our own” people.

Main conclusions

  • Sincere interest and sympathy for a person is the basis for building good relationships.
  • Communication skills can and should be improved constantly.
  • The impression created at the first meeting is very important: it can lead to long-term cooperation or, on the contrary, make it impossible.
  • A warm smile, attention and interest in the interlocutor will help you gain favor at the first meeting.
  • Be kind, find common ground, and make the person feel important. This will help you gain trust and build good relationships.

Apologize for things you had no control over

This may seem stupid, but the method works flawlessly. Stop looking for extreme ones, blaming accounting errors, traffic jams or inconsistent clients. Yes, it’s not your fault, but don’t rush to take away your colleagues’ right to anger and annoyance. By recognizing someone else's mistake as your own, you add bonuses to yourself in the eyes of people who perceive you as an intelligent, sensitive and responsible person.

Listen more

Let’s analyze how much we talk during the dialogue and how much our partner speaks. And what should this ratio be in order to correctly answer the question of how to win people over? Carnegie states in his work:

The royal road to a man's heart is through talking about the things he believes most.

And he gives advice: you should talk less about your life, experiences, thoughts, and listen more. You need to play on the field of your interlocutor, because a person will make any decision on his own. We just need to show him the benefits of the proposals we want to make.

This provision is especially important for novice entrepreneurs or subordinates who want to learn how to influence the decisions of people: partners or managers.

In personal dialogues, D. Carnegie suggests adhering to the rule: if the thoughts and life principles of the interlocutor do not suit us, we should not convince him. It's better to just leave.

Learn to share the feelings of your interlocutor

If your friend or acquaintance decides to share his experiences or bad news with you, do not rush to assure him that everything will pass. And especially don’t teach him about life. So, the best tactic is to listen to the person and show that you completely share his feelings: “I understand you, I’ve had this myself,” “Yes, there’s something to puzzle over, you won’t be envied.” By the way, such a technique will help the interlocutor feel not alone, and will help you win him over. If you really experienced this, you can always share your personal experience.

Why you need to know how to win people over

Psychology proves that having communication skills contributes to a professional career. It is easier for such a person to find a well-paid job, pass an interview, and move up the career ladder. She has a better chance of building her personal life without suffering from various kinds of complexes and low self-esteem.

Possessing charm, it is easier for a person to influence people using a technique such as infection. In this case, he does not need arguments to prove his position, just an emotional component and inner conviction. Essentially, this can lead to unlimited power over the people around you.

Charm increases the number of acquaintances, among whom there will certainly be people who can be useful. Therefore, sociable people cope more easily with complex problems and life difficulties, minimizing their number. They know how to open the doors of important offices without leaving a negative impression.

According to experts, it is communication that makes our lives brighter and richer, so everyone needs knowledge on how to win someone over. We will use the advice and recommendations of D. Carnegie, an American speaker, writer and teacher, who wrote five wonderful books on this topic.

Take the initiative with a compliment

Do you want to please your future boss or make yourself known to a girl you care about? Then the best way is to study their biography in advance. What are they interested in, what achievements do they have? In fact, when you first meet, you will be fully prepared and quickly set the tone for the conversation: “I heard that you graduated from art school and are now creating masterful still lifes, is this true?” “I was told that you love to travel. It’s so interesting to know what countries you’ve visited!”

Why are we embarrassed?

Often, stiffness or awkwardness appears when confidence disappears. If a person expects too much from himself, he will most likely be very tense, and therefore will not make the best impression on the interlocutor. Fear can arise as a constant reaction to strangers. In this case, the root of the problem really lies within the individual and can spread to other areas of life. Ask yourself questions:

  • What exactly am I afraid of?
  • What happens if I relax and be myself?
  • What will I do if the worst really happens?
  • Is this person's opinion really important to me?
  • Does my interlocutor think about such things as I do?

In his famous book “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living,” Dale Carnegie gives the main advice - imagine that the worst thing you imagined actually happens, what will you do after? In fact, you will see that life will not end. Optimistic thinking will tell you that there will still be many workarounds.

If you have unreasonable uncertainty in front of a specific person, when there are no problems communicating with other interlocutors, most likely this person reminds you of someone from the past. This may be deep childhood, and the image remains only in the subconscious, but your new interlocutor acts as a trigger for negative reactions, reminds you of an unpleasant moment of the past days. In this case, try to understand whether it is so important for you to leave this person in your reality? If it is impossible to interrupt communication, separate the image of the past from this completely different personality.

How to gain self-confidence

To feel more confident when communicating with strangers, use a few simple techniques:

  • Drink water - this will ensure your well-being and your voice will sound more confident.
  • Pay attention to your breathing - when we are stressed, we often forget to breathe, which only makes the situation worse.
  • Ask more questions - awkward pauses will only increase your fear.
  • Smile - you will look friendlier, and send a signal to your brain that everything is fine and there is no need to worry.
  • Wear comfortable and stylish clothes. Our subjective attitude towards our appearance greatly influences our confidence, and stiffness is the second enemy in difficult situations.

Feel free to praise your friends in the presence of third parties

In order not to seem like a flatterer, you can praise your colleague in a veiled form. For example, by demonstrating to others what a great specialist he is. Remember the person’s strengths when you introduce him to other people: “This is my friend, he’s great with cars!”, “Meet Anya, a beauty and mother of two charming teenagers.” This way you will not only melt the ice of awkwardness, but will also be able to win over you, setting the direction of the conversation and leaving a pleasant impression.

Brief information about the source

What will be taken as a basis? Carnegie Dale “How to Win People Over” is a work that answers a number of questions:

  • How to make new friends while keeping old ones.
  • How can you gain the trust of others?
  • How to communicate effectively with people.
  • Is it possible to find a common language with an initially conflicted person?
  • How to influence someone else's opinion.
  • How you can understand the feelings of others and control your own emotions.

What interests us most is how to win people over. The book was published in 1936 and immediately became a bestseller. It is still relevant, especially among people who have decided to start their own business. At the same time, the author does not hide:

All the ideas I admire are not mine. I took them from Socrates. I overheard Chesterfield. And he spied on Jesus. I wrote them all down in a book. (D. Carnegie)

Let's take a closer look at his advice.

Don't be afraid to ask for patronage or help

People around you are sympathetic to those who are not afraid to appear incompetent. An insecure person who is ready to learn, learn new things and recognize the authority of his neighbor seems to us much wiser and more professional than a know-it-all who is used to doing everything himself. And it’s just nice to be part of something bigger, to mentor, to share experience... This increases our importance in our own eyes. So keep your head up.

Tips: What to Avoid

We have listed psychological techniques and methods: smiling, using names during dialogue, listening skills, showing sincere interest, emphasizing the importance of the interlocutor and discussing a topic that is significant to him. What other recommendations can be gleaned from the books of the great teacher and speaker?

When solving the problem of how to win someone over, you should categorically exclude the following points:

  • Criticism.
  • Complaints.
  • Condemnation.

Nobody craves to receive negative emotions in the process of communication. If we assume the above, then we can significantly narrow the circle of people interested in dialogue with us. When we criticize, we include an element of our own superiority; when we complain, we try to present ourselves as a victim, which is equally unpleasant for the interlocutor.

There is another important tip to keep in mind: when communicating, you should not rely solely on logic. A person lives more by emotions, so he receives information not so much from well-structured phrases, but from the intonation, gestures and facial expressions of the speaker.

Remember to be grateful

If you're leading an important project and things take off, don't forget to thank the entire team for their contributions by treating them to a celebratory lunch, handing out bonuses, and reminding them how important their support was to you. The same goes for friendship and love. Remind your loved ones more often how grateful you are for their help and participation in your life, arrange pleasant surprises, and do not forget about gratitude. All of this is important because it shows you as a caring and generous person who appreciates others.


And finally

So, my dear readers, in today’s article I briefly told you about the rules of interaction between people, and gave advice and excerpts from the books of the wonderful author Dale Carnegie.

If you become interested in this topic and want to get more information, his books can be found in bookstores, they can also be downloaded or read online. I really hope that my article will be useful and informative for you, and I managed to interest you.

Now, as always, I’m waiting for feedback from you, do you think the advice given in my article is true, or do you disagree with something? Write your opinion in the comments, I will be very interested to chat with you on this topic and find out your opinion.

Read my articles, comment, share them on social networks with your loved ones, friends and acquaintances, all the best to you!

Show your interest in the topic

It happens that the erudition of your interlocutor exceeds yours. In this case, you can ask him to clarify certain points. If at the same time he is a little arrogant, do not immediately admit your incompetence; instead, you can say: “Well, well... I’m looking in my memory... I can’t restore it... but it sounds so interesting! Could you tell me more."

Sometimes a big deal or personal life depends on negotiations / Photo from

Put "quotes"

When you need to say something unpleasant to your interlocutor or ask a question that he does not want to hear, the technique of detachment or intonation quotation marks helps. It works like this: you say what you think is necessary, but not on your own behalf. For example: “I myself would never ask this question, but they asked me to find out”, “now is a difficult moment, I don’t want to say this, but management asked me to tell you” or “in my place, some tactless person could ask...”.

To maintain a friendly atmosphere, you can indicate that this unpleasant episode will be taken out of the confidential conversation: “And then we will immediately return to our conversation.”

Remember, it is not at all necessary to give a person dirt on you in order to gain his trust. You can operate with insignificant things, surrounding them with an aura of significance. In addition, not all actions are weighed on scales and assessed in hard currency; sometimes the right impulse is enough.

Ask an unexpected question

Give your interlocutor the opportunity to look at the topic of your discussion in a new way. Journalist Valery Agranovsky in one of his books told how, while trying to interview a taciturn specialist, he asked his interlocutor how many steps he took during a work shift.

Another time he had to do an interview with a physicist who asked him to send questions in advance, but ready-made answers would not give the feeling of a live conversation. And so, when he came to the meeting, Agranovsky saw diagrams on the board and asked why atoms are always drawn in round shapes, and not in rhombuses, for example. The physicist thought - why, really? The question piqued his interest and became the starting point for an exciting conversation.

Swing bridges of communication

Turning bridges of communication are some phrases that the interlocutor said in your previous conversation, and you are mentioning them now. For example, you say to your interlocutor: “Do you remember the story you told about the cat who walked 32 kilometers to pass the house last time? So, I told this story to my mother-in-law - she simply cried with emotion.” Or, for example, like this: “Do you remember, last time you recommended a good tour operator. So, we turned to him, and they helped us find an excellent last minute tour. Thank you". Or even like this: “That time you said that another tie would fit under this shirt. I changed it immediately.” Turning bridges of communication show how important the interlocutor is to you and how much you remember every meeting with him, his words or advice. You emphasize the importance of dating and communication for you.

Article on the topic

“Friend” is “another me.” Why are we friends?

"I'm in your head"

This technique is great for those who want to attract the attention of the opposite sex, but is also used in business. Implementing it is as simple as possible: just look your interlocutor in the eyes and mentally repeat the phrases: “you like me,” “you trust me.” Try to maintain eye contact with the interlocutor and imagine how your energy penetrates his biofield.

The most important thing is not to look into the eyes for too long, as this can cause the opposite effect.

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