How to cope with emotions and become your own boss

There are many theories that explain the nature of emotions. Most of them associate mental unrest with the satisfaction or dissatisfaction of a person’s internal needs. Emotions are a reflection of a person’s attitude to the phenomena of the surrounding world. Different people's reactions to the same event can be completely opposite. Therefore, the reason for the appearance of any emotion must be sought not in the object or situation that evoked it, but in oneself: in one’s own thoughts, illusions, expectations. Understanding how to cope with emotions and keep them under control means understanding the mechanisms of their occurrence and replacing them with more productive ones. This requires a lot of work on yourself, but the result is worth the effort - emotional health and harmony in the soul.

Sensual picture of the world

The perception of the world greatly influences our emotions and feelings. Each of us has our own, formed throughout our lives, starting from childhood. Through different events we seem to come to certain conclusions about life. By definition, immediately, initially, all pictures of the world do not correspond to reality. Reality is richer. Our picture of the world is a kind of scheme in which some important elements of reality may be present, while others may have a completely different meaning, a different “coloring,” or some kind of distortion.

For example, part of the worldview of a person who has had some kind of dramatic experience in the past may be the following: “Trust is dangerous. You can’t be completely involved in a relationship.” Or “A real man should not show feelings.” Or “A woman should always make a man feel good.” These beliefs are strokes of paint on the canvas of the world. Accordingly, the picture of the world never coincides with reality. This is generally impossible, because the map is not equal to the territory. But a person is guided in his life by his own picture of the world, arranges his life in accordance with it and strives to avoid contradictions. He does not communicate with people whose pictures of the world do not coincide with his own. But it is impossible to completely adjust reality to your picture of the world, because we do not live isolated from the world, but rather actively.

The first thing a person does when faced with inconsistencies is to interpret and adjust reality to his picture of the world. For example, a person is looking at me carefully, and I don’t think that he is sincerely interested in me, but I think that perhaps he wants to take something away from me. I interpret this as danger; danger is “prescribed” in my picture of the world. Suppose there was no communication with this person, we parted ways, and I remained with this opinion, maintaining my picture of the world. But let’s say contact happened, let’s assume that in response to a glance that seemed to me a sign of interest, I sincerely responded, expecting open, kind communication. And then suddenly a person starts talking to me coldly and rationally about something. And this discrepancy between my picture of the world and reality causes emotion - resentment, anger, depression. If everything coincided, then I would be in the most calm state. If some super-significant expectations coincided, I would be happy.

How important is the ability to manage your emotions?

Managing emotions is a person’s ability to feel their emotions, characterize them, experience them and then let them go.

Do not confuse managing emotions with suppressing them. In the first case, we gain control over ourselves, and in the second we only drown out our feelings and do not solve the problem.

You shouldn't hate your enemies. Emotions interfere with thinking.


The ability to manage emotions helps to build healthy relationships with the outside world and with people. This is especially true in conflict situations. In a fit of anger or resentment, we say unpleasant things to people who do not deserve it. This leads to deterioration in relationships.

Also, showing inappropriate emotions in an unfamiliar company or crowded place can create the wrong opinion about you. In the future, this may affect not only personal, but also work relationships.

Negative emotions lead a person astray. But we always have a choice: to succumb to negativity and exhaust ourselves with worries, or to admit a mistake and work to correct it.

Self-esteem also depends on our emotions. The more we repeat that “everything is very bad” and “not the way we wanted,” the less satisfaction we have from life. We begin to consider ourselves good-for-nothing losers. This leads to depression.

It’s not for nothing that they say that all diseases are caused by nerves. Too many negative emotions or constant suppression of them leads to nervous breakdown, deterioration of sleep, appetite and other problems.

The importance of expressing and controlling emotions

In the social world you need to be able to control your emotions, it should be a skill. But what does control mean? Usually, when people say “control your emotions,” they mean suppress them. But suppressing emotions is literally like the following: you turn on some kind of spring, a stream, and you concrete it. But the source itself continues to work. The reason for the reaction has not been removed. It is one thing for you to be filled with joy but hold it back, but it is quite another for you to be filled with contempt and anger. If you suppress an emotion and do it regularly because you are regularly in the same workspace or with the same person and perform repetitive actions, then you have a repressed negative emotion constantly present in your body. This is a direct path to illness. The centers of emotions are always located in some part of the body in the form of sensations. And the organs that are located in this place, next to it, are susceptible to damage, they are literally filled with repressed emotions. Sometimes it happens that a person 20 years later, remembering the past, begins to cry - this is because he did not cry then.

If your picture of the world is too inadequate to reality, you will always be overwhelmed by emotions. If you constantly exercise them, then, from a health point of view, it will be easier for you. Emotional, hot-tempered, unrestrained people are usually healthier, while well-mannered, cultured people get sick more. Because those who dump emotions spoil relationships, and those who suppress emotions maintain relationships but spoil themselves.

Neither one nor the other is useful, but the skill itself is useful - being able to show emotion at will. Because there are people who find it very difficult or scary to say what they feel, what they are going through. You need to be able to speak openly - one, and be able to restrain your emotions - two. But if you are holding back an emotion, you need to know how to defuse it. For example, Adriano Celentano chopped wood in the film The Taming of the Shrew. You can play sports, shout, or write and burn a letter - the emotion needs to be put into action.

To learn how to maintain balance, you need, first of all, to work out your picture of the world, make it more flexible, softer. For example, it’s not “should”, but “can”, it happens like this - and it happens like this, maybe in another way. I am like this, he is like this, and they are like this - we are different. So that the picture of the world is not a flat picture, but consists of many details, elements where you can move freely. When you have a rich picture of the world, it allows for a lot, you perceive what is happening more easily, and then emotions are no longer initially critical. This approach is deeper. It naturally takes more time, because simply containing and expressing emotions is a technical skill, like doing push-ups.

One of the most difficult issues is coexisting with other people's emotions when they do not match yours. The worst option in this situation is to start worrying and think: “It’s somehow wrong to say something to a person, because he’s worried, but it’s somehow not quite right for me”... Then you sacrifice yourself. And your task, on the contrary, is to express yourself so that a person understands you - activity is important. But people who consider themselves well-mannered prefer to sacrifice themselves for the sake of decency. In fact, we are not talking about good manners, but about an inferiority complex and uncertainty. The key problem is not even that the person “overwhelms you” with his emotions, but that you suppress your emotion and cannot say: “I don’t like this, let’s do it differently.” You are suppressing yourself, not him.

The option of constantly holding back and shutting down is not suitable here, because even if you put in a lot of effort, you will still be “infected” and will not be able to be natural in your state. A good option is to talk, talk, convey your feelings to the person: “You know, it’s wonderful that you are so happy, but I perceive it differently.” You need to prove yourself to the other person. After all, your counterpart is not very worried about how his emotions affect you - he simply actively expresses himself. Do the same. It is important that he hears what is important to you and begins to take it into account.

Why is it important to control your emotions?

From the point of view of managing emotions, it does not matter much whether we experience positive or negative emotions. An emotion is a person’s instant reaction to a stimulus; it can be compared to a flash. A positive emotion means that the circumstance or object that caused it meets our ideas about reality and expectations, a negative emotion indicates the opposite. But this is not at all an indication that the object that caused the reaction is actually good or bad. Therefore, emotions often “disturb the aim” - they distort reality and influence decision-making and often lead to mistakes.

There are expressions that clearly illustrate the consequences of such manifestations: “to be in a fog,” “to blurt out in the heat of the moment,” “to be in the heat of the moment,” “to do something without thinking,” that is, to act thoughtlessly, not of one’s own will. The result is damaged relationships, poor choices, and painful regrets about what you did.

If a person has no control over his emotions, he is very easy to manipulate. Manipulators know very well that by arousing a person’s emotions, they “turn off” his ability to think sensibly and thereby push him to take actions that are beneficial to them. A great example of mass manipulation is advertising, which evokes an emotional response and thus controls our decisions.

Failures in the emotional sphere can also lead to more serious consequences. A person can get stuck in some emotional state for a long time, if not forever, most often in a negative one. This is fraught with manifestations of irritability, anxiety, and fear, which can develop into obsessive states, which are extremely difficult to get rid of without the help of a psychologist.

Negative conditions negatively affect all areas of a person’s life. They lead to deterioration in health, relationships with others, decreased activity, weight gain, depression, and give rise to the development of addictions: alcoholism, drug addiction, workaholism, passion for gambling.

On the contrary, by understanding how to cope with emotions, you can gain clarity of thinking and restore lost calm, and with them, self-confidence and a positive attitude.

How to deal with growing emotions

When you feel that an emotion is about to spill out, the best thing you can do is stop, withdraw from the activity or communication. The easiest way is to say that you need to go to the restroom and leave. Saying that you need to think about it may raise doubts and questions. Find your best option to switch off from communication and turn your attention to your body, inside yourself. Most likely, you will immediately feel that everything inside is knocking, burning, getting cold, trembling... Feel what is happening to you and try to relax your muscles with each exhalation.

At the same time, you can ask yourself:

  • What am I going through?
  • Why am I worried?
  • Is there really something threatening here?
  • Am I really losing something here?

And the easiest way to calm down is to go out, sit down and breathe from the bottom of your belly. Inhale - stick your stomach out, exhale - slowly draw it in. As your attention is drawn to the movements of the abdomen, the mind will gradually calm down and you will “fly out” of all emotional issues. You can also use any simple activity - draw something, do light exercise, pet an animal...

The first international HiPO ambassador, neuroscientist and international bestselling author Joe Dispenza talks about how not to be hostage to emotions from the past and create a new reality.

Bestselling Books by Joe Dispenza

Why it makes no sense to avoid negative emotions

Many people mistakenly think that we should not experience or express certain emotions. But when we experience sudden loss, shock, failure, trauma and other feelings associated with various events in our lives, we should never suppress these emotions. The stronger the emotion from events in the external world, the more changed we feel compared to our usual state of rest.

“The grief process and the associated feelings of loss, sadness and mourning are completely natural.”

In other words, the stronger the emotions we experience, the more attention we pay to what causes them. As a result, our impressions of a person, event, meeting or experience are so vivid that they capture all our attention, and our brains imprint it. Such a snapshot is called long-term memory, which becomes a holographic image in the neural architecture of the brain.

For example, when someone experiences the sudden death of a family member, they experience pain and sadness, and this is normal. To cope with loss, you need to go through several stages. The grief process and the associated feelings of loss, sadness and mourning are completely natural.

Why do we get stuck in emotions from the past?

Problems begin when a person dwells on his grief. Instead of experiencing and accepting the grief and its accompanying emotions, he replays the sad memories over and over again. If you continue to live within the framework of past experiences, any event that evokes similar emotions will serve as a trigger that returns to grief. From a biological point of view, every time a person remembers a tragic event, he reproduces the same chemical processes in the brain and body as if it were happening in the present moment.

Because the body is so objective (it is essentially the subconscious), it believes that the event is actually happening. Stress hormones begin to circulate in a person, although in fact he is completely safe. Continuous repetition of an event and emotion causes the mind and body to become anchored in the past rather than the present moment. You could say emotions terrorize us.

“How long are you going to allow yourself to feel this emotion?”

None of this means that you should suppress your emotions. Look, for example, at a child when he is feeling frustrated, afraid, or angry. At first he is completely immersed in emotion, but then he easily lets go of it. The only question is how long are you going to allow yourself to feel this emotion?

The ability to be aware of your reaction to external stimuli and developed emotional intelligence will help you stop reacting painfully to sadness, pain, anger, disappointment and other negative feelings. If you are able to change your state in these situations, you are on the path to creating a future that is no longer determined by past experiences.

How to prepare yourself for change

By successfully overcoming emotions from the past, we can look at it from a higher level of awareness and emotional state. Consider events from the point of view of love, compassion and freedom and understand why everything happened the way it did. Finally, it becomes clear that without past experiences we would not have a sense of freedom and fulfillment in the present. When we are free from emotions from our past, it stays with us as wisdom. A person is full of strength and ready to create his own future.

The practice of meditation is an essential tool in this process. The stronger the emotion during meditation, the more we are inspired and filled with feelings of love, gratitude, freedom and joy. We are able to change our internal state without any prompting from the outside world. At this moment, an image of the future life is created in the gray matter of our brain. And regular practices prepare the body for the emotional sensation of the future.

“On my journey from head to heart, Joe Dispenza became an important teacher. His view as a scientist helped to structure many realizations even more precisely. For example, how and why the chemical and biological environment in the body blocks any changes, requiring the usual hormonal cocktail. And how erroneous a premonition or intuition can be if such a mechanism is triggered. It gives powerful tools to work with that help rebuild well-trodden neural pathways and achieve real change.”

Sofia Kofmann, CEO HiPO

Why is it important to meditate

Brain-heart alignment is like a very strong Wi-Fi signal. We are connecting to new opportunities that exist in a single field. With the right energy mood and the ability to maintain this state throughout the day, a person begins to notice feedback. This is a sign that he is no longer a victim of his past.

A full sense of the emotions that accumulate in our body during meditation is the most important event. It makes you feel immense joy, inspiration and even some puzzlement. At the same time, the emotional charge of the past decreases: past events do not determine our feelings in the present.

How to shape a prosperous future

To create a new future, you need to focus your mind on the process ahead, and also train your body to emotionally experience this future before it happens. Continue to refine your vision—remember, think about it, and focus your attention. It's the same conditioning process, but now you're priming your body for a subconscious emotional connection to the future.

Instead of “investing” in the past, I advise investing energy in an exciting future

Teach your body new emotions - it will believe that this is happening in the present moment. This signal will be like a large stone thrown into an infinite quantum field.

The key to this practice is to learn to manage emotions, which in turn is closely related to working with attention and energy. The important thing to understand here is that the more you experience stressful emotions, the more attention you pay to them. Instead of “investing” in the past, I advise investing energy in an exciting future. Thus, reducing the level of negative emotions and practicing presence in the present moment helps to accumulate energy for healing, creation, transformation and create your own electromagnetic field

To learn more about how to break free from the limitations of the past using the power of your thinking and live in joy and harmony, you can take Dr. Joe Dispenza’s free online course “New Thinking = New Life”

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Personal opinion

Valery Afanasyev:

– I absolutely do not know how to control my emotions. Sometimes I get carried away, and here it’s just a hurricane! Some people are even afraid of me. I suffer a lot from this, but at times I can’t help myself! Then I walk away, and I feel ashamed that I accidentally hurt or insulted someone. But at that moment it seems to me that I am right, and the “abscess” that has matured needs to be “opened” somehow. My wife always says to me: “Why are you shouting? You are thereby showing your weakness!..” But I don’t know... I then most often apologize to people...

You shouldn’t suppress or hide your emotions - it’s important to be able to control them

As we have already noted, you should not prohibit yourself from showing emotions. This is about something completely different - emotions need to be kept under control! Do not give free rein to too negative expressions of feelings, and allow yourself to demonstrate a positive mood. Let's find out what a person who is unable to control negative emotions can lose.

1) State of positivity

A person who is overcome by negative feelings is hardly able to think positively. Having succumbed to the influence of anger, malice, or something like that, he is unlikely to be able to “tune in” to a different wavelength in the near future.

2) Calm

Sometimes this is even more important than a state of positivity. A person who is in a calm state is always able to think more soberly than one who is subject to the emotions that overwhelm him.

3) Relationships

Unfortunately, many relationships, which include love, friendship, and business, collapse due to the fact that someone failed to contain the flow of negativity in time. Often this behavior undermines trust, kills feelings, which ultimately often leads to a break in relationships.

4) Reputation

A person who allows himself to frequently display negative emotions is unlikely to have a reputation as a respected and adequate person. When you don’t know what to expect from your interlocutor or you assume that he might suddenly flare up or something like that, you try to limit communication with him. Gradually an opinion is formed about a person that does not suit him at all.

5) Control over life

Anyone who is unable to control their emotions cannot fully control their life. By succumbing to a sudden impulse, a person can lose a lot or face other unpleasant consequences of his impulse. As a result, the life of such a person is less successful than it could be.

In general, the list of losses does not end here, but even from the points listed above it is obvious that lack of control over emotions can sometimes lead to an unpleasant outcome.

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