This is what happens when you break up with a narcissist

Is your relationship causing you pain?

If your partner constantly manipulates and devalues ​​you, makes you feel worthless, has anxiety, and even has suicidal thoughts, you are most likely in the clutches of a Narcissist.

This article is very important to read, but first I want to show you my playlist on the Yotube channel dedicated to Narcissus

About how the guilt didn't catch me

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  • About how the guilt didn't catch me

    This is just a personal video - my experience with guilt.

  • Where does guilt come from?

    Sign up for the “Inner Defender” marathon

  • How Being With a Narcissist Affects Your Life

    The worst habit of people in a relationship with a Narcissist is rationalization. That is, “logical” explanations to yourself why you should stay in a relationship with a Narcissist. In this video, let's talk about whether the Narcissist's behavior is really just small things that you can simply tolerate while trying to convince him to become a normal person. This video can be found by searching “How Being With a Narcissist Affects Your Life”

  • About those who became adults too early

    Nadya, have you ever been a child? - my friend asked me. When I told her about my thoughts at the age of three. Were you a child? When did you have to grow up? Today I will tell you about why the loss of the sense of being a child occurs, about the lost childhood, and how it is connected with endless feelings of guilt and anxiety in your adult life. #narcissist #children of narcissists #parents of narcissists

  • Why the more you want love, the harder it is to find it

    In this video we will talk about why people often suffer from loneliness, from the fact that they cannot find love. And this suffering can take different forms. If they are alone, they live on standby. Their real life will begin only when a partner appears, and while there is no partner, this is all just preparation. The second option is loneliness in a relationship, when they stifle their partner with their need for love or choose an emotionally unavailable partner. And the third option is when they become militant loners, but not because they actually feel good, but because relationships have become green grapes for them, in which there are no ripe berries. Instead of solving their problem, they devalue the relationship. #unlucky in love #unlucky relationships #unlucky personal life This video can be found by searching “Why the more you want love, the harder it is to find it”

  • Feeling guilty about cutting off contact with the Narcissist parent

    The question of whether it is worth stopping contacts with the Narcissist parent becomes especially acute during the holidays, which are usually spent with family and congratulating your relatives. At this time, many people have a dilemma: how much time to devote to their toxic parent, whether to let him ruin all the holidays or decide to cut off contacts and remain in peace and quiet. But it’s not so easy to decide because of feelings of guilt. Guilt will not allow you to remain in peace and quiet and enjoy life. This video can be found by searching for “Guilt About Stopping Contact with a Narcissistic Parent.”

  • 7 questions to identify a Narcissist

    We can all identify a Narcissist when the stage of devaluation has already appeared. But I would like to be able to do this earlier. These 7 questions will help you. It is not even WHAT a person will answer to them that is important, but HOW he will react to them in general. Change them to suit your situation, rephrase them to suit your style. In this video I told the essence, the meaning that these questions will reveal. This video can be found by searching “7 Questions to Identify a Narcissist”

  • Traumatic Bonding in a Relationship with a Narcissist

    The traumatic connection is the reason why a person does not leave the Narcissist at the first signs of abuse, at the second, and even after the tenth and ninety-fifth. A person who has never experienced a traumatic relationship will not be able to understand this, so victims of the Narcissist must constantly face judgment and shame. If you tolerate all this, it means you like it, it’s your fault. Trying to avoid condemnation, they keep what is happening to them secret and thus deprive themselves of their last chance for help.

  • 8 types of disability

    This is a continuation of the video “Why You Lose Yourself Around a Narcissist.” Initially, this was one video with the previous one, so the beginning will be without preambles or introductions. This video can be found by searching for “8 Types of Narcissist Invalidation”

  • Why do you lose yourself around a Narcissist?

    I originally recorded one video, but it turned out to be too long and I divided it into two parts. In the first part, I will talk about such a tool of Narcissus as invalidation - that is, the annulment of manifestations of your inner world - your opinion, your claims, your emotions or worries. I’ll tell you about 8 types of disabilities in the next video. This video can be found by searching “Why You Lose Yourself Around a Narcissist”

  • Biochemical connections in relationships with Narcissist

    Biochemical Connections in a Relationship with a Narcissist This video is another excerpt from a seminar I taught in 2021 (which is why I'm addressing women exclusively there). Do you know the term “trauma bond”? Here I talk about its components, about the threads that make up the rope that connects you with the abuser. And after watching this video, I once again recommend re-watching (or watching for the first time) my videos “How to decide to leave a Narcissist”

    Total acceptance of the Narcissist

    And “Why do you need 30 days without contact”

    This video can be found by searching “Biochemical connections in relationships with Narcissist”

  • How to Quit a Narcissist

    It seems that everyone already knows how to leave Narcissist. Block him and enter the “no contact” phase. But it's easier said than done. What if he lives in your apartment? What if he comes to your work without receiving a response to the tenth message? Narcissists are different and life situations are different. In this video, I tell you how best to choose a solution for your situation, what factors to consider first. #drop narcissist #break up with narcissist #leave narcissist This video can be found by searching “How to leave a narcissist”

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If they wanted to leave, it may seem cruel and sudden.

Image: Unsplash / Xavier Sotomayor
At first you may feel like you've found the partner you've always wanted, but you soon find yourself wondering what went wrong in the end. This is because narcissists are great at role-playing if they need to get something from a source of nourishment, Orloff says. But when they are fed up with you, they will throw you aside like a used rag without any sentiment.

There will be no apology or remorse and you may never hear from them again, no matter how long your relationship has been. If they come back, it will only be because they realized that they could still get something from you.

Circle eight – General cleaning

At this stage, the narcissistic personality restores his reputation, which could have been damaged during the Juice and Disposal period if you did not always agree to “wash dirty linen in public.” To discredit you, the narcissist will try to make you out to be hysterical, an alcoholic, or a psychopath.

He can quarrel with someone by starting baseless rumors, reveal your secrets that he forced you to reveal at one time, falsify something that presents you in an unfavorable light, declare you a tormentor and himself an unfortunate victim. Entering into open confrontation, unfortunately, is risky; you can suffer significant harm, even death.

If it was you who decided to leave, then be prepared for begging, entreaties or bargaining.

Image: Flickr/Tom Hilton
If you decide to leave, it's good to know, Orloff says, that it's hard to do. You're probably in for a fight like no other because they're not done with you yet. Narcissists hate losing their supply, so they won't let you leave easily.

Prepare yourself for their promises to “change.” They may suddenly start doing things for you that you complained about. They may say, “You'll be lost without me,” or “You'll never find someone like me.”

Don't listen to all this, Orloff advises. This is just a ploy to get you to come back to them out of fear.

Captured by a narcissist: the victim tells, the psychologist explains

In the age of psychotherapy and endless popular science articles on how to recognize an abuser and get out of toxic relationships, it seems that we can pick out people with unhealthy behavior from the crowd in a flash and easily protect ourselves.
In fact, no: even in a loved one, it can sometimes be difficult to see a manipulator—or, in general, a person with narcissistic disorder. So the heroine of our material - 28-year-old Veronica - had no idea that her life went downhill precisely after meeting a narcissist. What is there: the fact that her lover suffers from this particular disorder, she only realized at an appointment with a psychologist. Veronica told her story to journalist Ekaterina Bazanova, who wrote a column for SPLETNIK.RU. Over the past few months I have constantly felt unhappy and useless. I sleep poorly, eat little, cry often, and have problems with menstruation. A week ago I left the man I loved. Our relationship has become unbearable. I feel bad with him and without him. And maybe it's all my fault. I don't understand what's happening and how to stop it,

— 28-year-old Veronica (heroine’s name has been changed) described her condition at her first consultation with a medical psychologist at Moscow Psychiatric Clinical Hospital No. 4 named after. P. B. Gannushkina Anna Pozharskaya.

The new patient looked scared and upset. The girl said that in six months she managed to visit several specialists. At first, the therapy alleviated her condition a little, but then the feeling of hopelessness covered Veronica with renewed vigor. Disorientation, depression, unreasonable feelings of guilt, anxiety - all the signs of emotional abuse were evident. But just a year ago the patient was happy with life, full of energy and did not complain about anything.

Veronica, a lawyer by training, held a senior position in an insurance company. Favorite job, friends, good relationships with family, travel, fans. The girl planned to devote the next few years to her career. It was for this reason that her last serious relationship, which lasted three years, ended. Her then-boyfriend was offered a lucrative contract to move abroad. Veronica thought, appreciated the depth and strength of her affection for him and... wishing him good luck in the new place, she remained in Moscow. The girl was sure that one day that same man would appear in her life. Veronica dreamed of strong feelings and real intimacy. She herself earned good money and had no intention of becoming a housewife, so the wealth and social status of her future chosen one were not of primary interest to her.

She met Maxim (the character’s name has been changed) at work. He came to the meeting as a representative of one of the client companies. Daily consultations with his participation lasted a week. Veronica immediately liked the young man (the same age as the heroine). Smart, stylish, well-spoken, confident. With the girl’s colleagues, Maxim acted distantly and somewhat coldly, but on the contrary, he showed interest in her and singled her out. Veronica was frankly flattered by this attitude. She was glad when Maxim continued to write to her after the work issues were closed. He didn't look like just another fan at all.

Career ambitions, theater, cinema, travel, literature... They turned out to have an incredible number of common interests. They corresponded, called back, walked around Moscow for hours or sat in a cafe and could not talk enough.

I have never felt so at ease with anyone. There was no awkwardness between us. I was sure that I had found a soul mate, a soul mate,

- Veronica recalled.

Maxim never tired of admiring the girl. He looked at her with adoration, praising her erudition, appearance, and character. Called her special. He said that he never believed that he was capable of losing his head so much over a woman. Previously, nothing was more important to him than his career. According to Maxim, all his previous relationships ended because he was missing something. He couldn’t formulate what exactly, but miraculously found the secret ingredient of happiness in Veronica. Maxim constantly wrote and called, met me from work, was attentive, gentle, caring. Veronica couldn't believe her luck.

The period of seduction. I immediately understood what was going on. Veronica's ex-boyfriend suffered from narcissistic personality disorder. These people can inflict such deep psychological trauma that the victims heal for years, or even their entire lives,

— psychologist Anna Pozharskaya began to analyze the story of her patient. Statistically, this disorder is more common in men. They also become the most dangerous.

The narcissist is not interested in easy prey. He likes to fight for his “beloved,” to fight her off from his opponent, and to turn her whole life upside down. Breaking a strong personality and completely subjugating it to oneself is the greatest thrill for a narcissist. Having chosen a suitable target, he turns on the seduction mode. He listens carefully to the victim, studies her inner world, demonstrates his adoration, makes the chosen one feel unique and valuable. It triggers two chemical processes in the enchanted body. Firstly, the victim’s body perceives the narcissist as a danger, releases a large dose of adrenaline and demands to run away. Sleep is disturbed, appetite decreases, and mild anxiety appears. The victim perceives this as signs of falling in love and does not leave, then the brain produces endorphins to reduce the level of adrenaline. Secondly, a demonstration of unconditional love provokes an increased release of oxytocin, the so-called trust hormone, which causes a feeling of attachment to a partner. The narcissist's chosen one becomes addicted to him like a drug. She is carried away on a hormonal swing, which she confuses with great and pure love. Chemical addiction makes sex with a narcissist seem fantastic to the victim. And at that moment when she completely trusts the tormentor, he brings down an “icy shower” on her.

The relationship between Veronica and Maxim seemed ideal. Not a single quarrel, absolute harmony. Four months later, the narcissist began persistently inviting the girl to move in with him. She doubted whether it was too early and asked for time to think. The young man understandingly agreed, they spent the night together and in the morning went to their offices, agreeing to meet after work. During the day, Veronica wrote several messages to Maxim. He didn't answer. I called - the phone was turned off. The work day was over and she didn't know what to do. To drive home? What if he shows up? What if something happened to him? What if I offended him with my doubts? He had never been absent before and always wrote first. What's happening? Confused, she wandered around the shopping center. Shopping didn’t go well this time, I didn’t enjoy anything, I didn’t want anything. Maxim called only at night. He said that he had problems at work and was not in the mood, after which he disappeared for another day. Veronica decided that if everything worked out, she would immediately move in with him.

Classic "ice shower". The unsuspecting victim suddenly finds himself in an incomprehensible situation. She goes through all possible explanations, blames herself, worries, tries to get in touch with the narcissist, and in the meantime he just checks if she is firmly hooked,

— explained psychologist Anna Pozharskaya. After the stress she has experienced, the enchanted woman loses the remnants of her independence.

Less than a week later, Veronica moved in with Maxim. For the next month everything was wonderful, and then the narcissist began his favorite pastime - manipulation. Gradually, the ease and ease disappeared from their relationship. In their place came total uncertainty. It was difficult to agree on anything with Maxim and impossible to bring him into a direct conversation. He laughed it off (sometimes very offensively), did not see the slightest problem in his behavior, and did not keep his promises.

Why are you so wound up? You're exaggerating everything. You and I didn’t agree on anything specific. I just said what I would like

- was his typical answer. However, happy moments (albeit much less frequently) still happened. They kept the girl next to her tormentor.

One day during dinner, Veronica saw that a notification from a dating site had arrived on his phone. Maxim feigned misunderstanding. He began to insist that he always communicated with other girls, that he needed it to raise his self-esteem, and supposedly Veronica knew about this, but had not shown any dissatisfaction before. And in general, apparently, she has PMS, which is why she cries out of nowhere. The heroine could not believe that this was being said by the very person who swore his love to her. Maybe she really misunderstood everything? Perhaps it is she who spoils his mood with her groundless jealousy?

According to Anna Pozharskaya, the technique used by Maxim is called gaslighting. This is a form of psychological abuse in which the victim begins to doubt his own perception of reality. She feels lost and even slightly inadequate. A repeated “ice shower” scalded Veronica one Saturday evening. Narcissus came out to her naked after a shower, hugged her and, looking into her eyes, said with a smile:

If only you were Scarlett Johansson... And somehow I’m tired today. I don't want anything.

And, humming, he went into the kitchen. Veronica burst into tears, tried to explain why she was hurt, and asked not to do this again. In response, a dissatisfied Maxim accused her of lacking a sense of humor.

When the girl told her friends about her problems, everyone unanimously advised her to end the relationship.

It's easy to say. I couldn't spend even a couple of days without him. I was out of breath. No matter how much I suffered, my only desire was to see him and try to regain his affection. I was afraid to make you angry, upset, say something wrong,

- Veronica recalled. The girl was constantly under severe stress and could burst into tears at any moment. From the outside it seemed that Maxim was enduring and loving a complete hysterical woman. Veronica communicated less and less with family and friends. Maxim isolated her. She couldn’t understand: how could the most beautiful man in the world turn into this ice monster?

Narcissists almost never know who they are. And, no matter how strange it may sound, they suffer no less than the victim, only differently,

- the psychologist continued.

Narcissistic personality disorder develops in early childhood. Parents either behave very coldly with the child and he does not feel his own worth, or, on the contrary, they terribly over-praise him and deny any of his imperfections. In both cases, the future narcissist develops a sense of his own grandiosity and intense shame for any of his shortcomings. Childhood trauma, and not malicious intent, explains his behavior.

Narcissists lack empathy, a sense of responsibility, and guilt. They do not know how to love, are afraid of intimacy with other people and are unable to build healthy relationships. Their grandeur requires constant confirmation. They vitally need feedback - the emotions of others. Often it doesn’t matter whether they are positive or negative, the main thing is that they are strong. The most painful thing for a narcissist is indifference.

Their relationship with the victim always develops according to the same scenario and has nothing to do with love. The narcissist selects a suitable strong personality and idealizes her. Psychologically, he seems to join the victim and her best qualities, after which he is overcome by terrible envy. The only way to extinguish it is to devalue what the narcissist so recently admired. Subdue and humiliate. Through violence, the torturer squeezes suffering out of the victim - evidence of his grandiosity. He is no less dependent on them than a woman who is fascinated by adrenaline, endorphins and oxytocin. It is impossible to fix this relationship, only end it. And the sooner the better. After a few years of living with a narcissist, the victim develops Stockholm syndrome. Even the thought of parting with her tormentor frightens her.

Veronica was lucky. She found the strength to leave Maxim and came to a psychologist. The specialist explained what had been happening to the girl over the past year and why she felt so bad.

Now the most important thing is to completely eliminate contact with Maxim in order to overcome chemical dependence. Without the usual dose of adrenaline and oxytocin, withdrawal occurs. Regular exercise can help relieve it. Veronica is now on the road to recovery. I help her understand that there was no gigantic love, that taking revenge on a narcissist is pointless and it is impossible to re-educate him. When the victim tries to explain something to the tormentor, he only reads information about what exactly causes her maximum suffering. And uses knowledge in the future against her,

— medical psychologist Anna Pozharskaya summed up.

Narcissists never put an end to a relationship. They disappear for a while, bide their time, and may return as seducers. Or, turning on their charm to maximum, they go hunting again.

What's next? No contacts!

Image: Unsplash / Lee Scott
No contact means exactly what it sounds like: no contact at all. This means blocking numbers, sending all emails to the spam folder, and deleting them from social media. Of course, it's hard, but mental health consultant Dr. Stephanie Sarkis explains in her blog on Psychology today that this is the best option because sooner or later the narcissist will find a way to return.

A narcissistic person will try to contact you if you have stopped feeding them, and such people know what to say to get you back. This is why you must act hard and fast. Sometimes it's even better to break up with them via text message so they can't manipulate you in any way.

If you leave something in a narcissist's house, Sarkis adds, you should just leave it and forget about it. In fact, this is a very small price that you can pay for your normal psyche and well-being.

Circle Six – Juicer

If you are still in the relationship despite the obvious destruction of your personality and health that occurred in the previous stage, then you move on to a new level of merciless abuse. The “juicer” will finally transform you from a person into a thing, a set of necessary functions.

First of all, your health will become completely unusable, which can be caused by dietary restrictions, refusal to buy medications or necessary care, insistence on pregnancy or abortion, not to mention the lack of basic help in running the home and raising children. Such neglect of a loved one (“neglect”) can take different forms – from deprivation of sleep and rest, overfeeding or underfeeding, forced changes in appearance, including operations, to driving one crazy and being placed in a psychiatric clinic. It is also quite possible to drive the victim to suicide.

In parallel with undermining your health, your narcissist will create threats to your safety, interfere with your work or creativity, harm your projects, extort money, publicly ridicule, induce you to engage in sexual practices that are unacceptable to you or cheat on you, and simply force you to do anything or everything. instead of him, simultaneously spreading vile gossip about you and converting your friends and acquaintances to his side.

The goal of the aggressor is to achieve complete control, as well as your complete isolation, to deprive you of a circle of support and the opportunity to ask for help.

You are given the image of a clingy neurasthenic, a pathological jealous person, a brainless fool and other inadequate people. Violence is taking increasingly savage forms, including deliberate damage to what is dear to you, including cruel treatment or even killing of your pets. The narcissist may also threaten you with serious harm or suicide. At this stage, leaving requires a huge amount of mental and physical strength, the ability not to succumb to threats or exhortations that will certainly follow the announcement of your departure.

Consider also unfriending his acquaintances on social networks.

Image: Unsplash /
This may seem overly harsh, but sometimes it is better to simply start from scratch and, following the advice of psychologists, remove from your life everything that is in any way associated with a narcissist. This includes deleting his friends and family from all social media.

The more connections you still have with each other, the more likely it is that the narcissist will somehow come back into your life. Narcissistic people may also use their friends to try to make you jealous.

So if you're not very good friends with them and don't trust them completely, you should probably get rid of them on social media.

My recommendations

For several years I have been teaching a course for high school students on “Ethics and Psychology of Family Life.” In lectures and practical classes, I teach boys and girls to consciously approach the choice of a partner.

In my opinion, you need to put an end to a love relationship if:

  1. During dating, discomfort arises. If in the presence of a person there is causeless anxiety, anxiety, then this is not your person. You need to trust your intuition.
  2. The partner behaves aggressively and allows cruelty. You should be wary of any manifestations of cruelty: in relationships with parents, with colleagues, with animals.
  3. Haste in relationships. If your partner rushes the development of events: he suggests intimacy on the first date or living together after several meetings, it is better not to meet with him again.
  4. Your partner’s attempts to reduce your communication with relatives and friends to a minimum. In addition to love relationships, each of us has other social circles. Your partner does not have the right to control your communication with friends and set a limit on visits to relatives.
  5. Explicit and hidden manipulations. In order to learn to recognize manipulation, you will have to get acquainted with social psychology.
  6. Your partner's desire to establish total control over you. If a person has everything in order mentally, he will not read your correspondence with friends, demand a report on the money spent, call every hour, wanting to know where you are and with whom.
  7. Ignoring your needs. It is impossible to build a healthy relationship with an egoist. It's better not to even try to do this. If you see that your partner is not interested in anyone or anything other than himself, you need to run away from him and not look back.

If a relationship with a partner does not bring happiness, it needs to end. It doesn’t matter at all what your parents or friends advise. Everyone builds their own happiness, but someone else’s soul is darkness.

You may need to pause again and remind yourself why it all ended.

Image: Unsplash / Jamie Street
It happens that after a breakup, a few pleasant memories come flooding back can cause confusion and regret. These feelings are usually false and don't actually describe real relationships, psychologists say.

You may remember a time when your partner sent you tons of messages every day and constantly praised you. Compliments are great if they are sincere, but when used by a narcissist, they can be part of a technique called “love bombing,” where the person showers you with affection with an ulterior motive.

As a reminder to yourself, write down the reasons why you broke up. Perhaps your partner often humiliated you? Called me names? Made you feel guilty or like you were going crazy?

Circle Seven – Recycling

Not all victims reach this stage of a relationship with a narcissist; more often they leave earlier. Disposal overtakes those who are no longer able to escape, are completely devastated and are in an insurmountable dependence on the offender. In especially severe cases, the victim passes away either from a serious illness, or tired of suffering and committing suicide. Quite often, the aggressor leaves the victim in a difficult life situation, experiencing the death of a loved one, losing a job, or suffering from a serious illness. You are abandoned “forever”, leaving you in a state of severe depression, often between life and death.

At the same time, the narcissist will not hesitate to give you a farewell trick, for example, to grab all your savings.

Your partner will likely be quick to “move on”—and tell you so.

Image: Unsplash / Mink Mingle
Most true narcissists don't take time to heal from a breakup because their initial feelings about the relationship are likely to be insincere or nonexistent. Very often in such cases they already have someone waiting in the wings as a new source of recharge, and it happens that their separation strategy is carefully planned.

By the way, here is another useful reason for deleting such people from friends on social networks - he will probably have a lot of loving selfies.

In fact, they may simply be love bombing a new target. Luckily, it's not you anymore.

Circle four – Ice shower

This is the first direct act of aggression against you. Sudden, cruel, cynical and... unmotivated. The narcissist uses various techniques as an “ice shower”: sudden disappearance without explanation; causeless cooling; treason; total depreciation; disruption of any serious event or event, including a wedding; self-exposure (“leave me, I’m vicious to the core”), and possible physical violence. During the ice shower stage, the narcissist often uses gaslighting.

making you doubt your own sanity when he denies what he said or did. Pinned to the wall by irrefutable evidence, he immediately “leaks the topic” and switches to analyzing your shortcomings.

In any case, the impression should be created that it is you and only you who are to blame for everything.

Often, an “icy shower” hits you immediately after a situation of special intimacy, sexual or simply emotional, as it seemed, complete mutual understanding. The “ice shower” is intended to scare the possible loss of a relationship and stimulate subsequent obedience.

When trying to stop this madness and break the connection, the narcissistic personality puts on a “sugar show” - asks for forgiveness, takes pity, for example, with health problems and vows not to do this again. It's just a manipulation that works well. They are simply incapable of sincere repentance, as you will see very soon.

Be prepared for sadness and accept it, because it is important.

Image: Unsplash/Cristian Newman
Sadness will be an important part of your recovery, so embrace it when it comes to it, advises Sarkis. After all, you have many reasons to be sad: the end of a relationship and the person you thought was your partner. He showered you with love when you first met, and those feelings are still there and are quite strong and intense.

However, you now have enough reason to leave, so remind yourself that many of these feelings were probably based on something false. The narcissist may have won you over, but did he actually keep his promises? Probably no.

However, you probably had and still have a strong emotional connection with the narcissist and only time can heal this wound. Sarkis advises to be happy when it all ends, because otherwise you would still be in this toxic environment, losing yourself more and more every day. And the pain is only temporary.

Narcissistic man in a relationship with a woman

If Narcissistic women tend to focus more on their appearance, then men tend to focus more on their achievements. This is the sore spot of Narcissus - men. Due to the fact that he has a huge hole in his self-esteem, it is difficult for him to achieve. Because any achievement is a process in which failures and mistakes inevitably occur.

A narcissist cannot cope with mistakes and failures. Therefore, Narcissist’s achievements are often exaggerated, coming through family ties or manipulation and political games.

Often, but not always. If a Narcissist feels that he is strong in something, he is good at something, he is able to invest very heavily and develop in a certain direction.

Even if the Narcissist does not have any personal achievements and he received everything from his parents or from a successful marriage, he will boast and be proud of his achievements without any modesty, appropriating them for himself.

Even when in a relationship, perhaps married, with a woman, the Narcissist man is in a constant pursuit of satisfying his next desire and there is simply no concern for others in his picture of the world. Even if it's his parents, his wife and children.

The whole world and all the people in it are viewed through the prism of benefits for it. Whoever gives a return on investment in the form of prestige, money, attention, admiration, he will invest his time in.

Union with a resource woman

Therefore, quite often you can see the union of a Narcissist and a resource woman. When a Narcissist finds a woman whose resource is inexhaustible, he can live with her for the rest of his life. She comes up with ideas, he “teaches” her how to implement them. She carries the entire business, he is the strategist.

Only his strategy invariably leads the business to collapse, since he is not able to free himself from emotions (although he considers himself a logician). All his calculations permeate his narcissistic passions. Being a smart person, he does not put a business into the grave in a year, but leads it over decades through a short period of prosperity into gradual decline.

If a resource woman ran this business alone, she would succeed. But she “just in time” let a parasite into her life - Narcissus, and he convinced her that without him she would be lost and he was everything to her, and she was an errand girl for a genius.

Focus on yourself and do what makes you happy.

Image: Unsplash / Brooke Cagle
The most important thing you'll need is self-focus, Orloff says. Use this time to try a new hobby, go to the gym, or go outside and meet new people. This may seem difficult—living with a narcissist can sap your energy and make you shy around strangers.

But now you are out of this situation. It's time to reconnect with the people who make you happy.

Sarkis and psychologist Dr. Guy Winch recommend making a list of “emotional first aid”—things you can do to distract yourself when you find yourself thinking about your ex. You were pushed aside when you were with a narcissist because your needs weren't important. Now it's time to take care of yourself.

Diagram of the relationship between a perverted narcissist and a victim

The narcissist chooses his victim from among strong, bright, purposeful, active, interesting female representatives. A narcissistic man draws vital energy from his chosen one. But he understands that a strong personality will not allow him to use himself. Therefore, it will form in the victim a feeling of guilt, various phobias and doubts. There are cases where, within a few months of a relationship, strong girls became exhausted, and some even committed suicide.

First stage

The initial period of a relationship with a perverted narcissist is like a honeymoon. The girl rejoices at gratuitous gifts, gorgeous bouquets, and pleasant surprises. A narcissist man uses beautiful gestures towards a girl to tie her to himself.

The romantic period of a relationship with a perverted narcissist quickly ends.

You will understand that relationships don't have to be like this.

Image: Unsplash / Pablo Merchán Montes
The time will come and you will find someone new. Dating is an important part of recovery, however, you shouldn't expect to find your soulmate right away. Just go and have fun. You might meet someone amazing or maybe you'll make some good friends. Either way, these people will be a breath of fresh air for you.

Plus, you'll likely have a deeper understanding of your own boundaries and respect yourself more if someone doesn't treat you the way you want them to.

And when you finally fall in love again after breaking up with a narcissist, you will feel truly amazing. It may not work out, but you will remember all the reasons why someone might actually love you - and there are a lot of them!

How to deal with a perverted narcissist

There is no way to fix a perverted narcissist. If a person himself wants to get rid of this mental disorder, he should contact a psychiatrist, clinical psychologist or psychotherapist. Perverse narcissism can be treated with medication, but not every man will agree to visit a psychiatrist, since people with this diagnosis are not aware of their problem. Even if a person with such a diagnosis seeks help from specialists, the effect of drug treatment and psychotherapeutic sessions does not last long.

The easiest way to protect yourself from personality destruction is to refuse a relationship with an unhealthy partner.

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