People are often prone to self-criticism. As a rule, it is caused by increased criticism of one’s own person. People usually blame themselves for mistakes they have made in the past. This is not only unconstructive, but also has a destructive effect on the personality itself and its existence. How to stop blaming yourself? First of all, you need to allow yourself to make mistakes.
Often, self-examination is transformed into auto-aggression, which becomes a so-called brake that impedes self-development, self-improvement, establishing contacts, and relationships with the environment. Sometimes people mistakenly believe that self-flagellation helps to set motivation for “good” actions. However, such a view is misleading.
Why are we given troubles and misfortunes?
Most people don't draw any conclusions until they get a good slap in the face from life! Why? Yes, because it is much easier to leave everything as is. People continue to do what they were doing until they run into a blank wall. Only then will something slowly begin to dawn on them.
Let's take relationships, for example. When does a person begin to understand that his partner is dear to him? That's right when he loses it. When the marriage is on the verge of collapse, and family life has fallen apart.
What about health? When do we think about health? Right. For us it’s like: “Until the thunder strikes, the man will not cross himself.”
Until the doctor says: “Urgently change your lifestyle, otherwise you will definitely die!” That's when we get motivated!
It just so happens that we begin to become smarter only by receiving such lessons. That’s when most of us say to ourselves: “Enough, I’m fed up with these problems, I’m tired of being at everyone’s beck and call, I’m tired of being mediocre. We need to decide something, we need to set goals.”
Successes also make us happy, but for some reason sometimes they don’t motivate us much. But “failure” is still a painful thing and therefore is a good science for the future. It is this that sometimes gives a “magic kick-start” to the future, after which, looking back, we understand that if it had not been for this “catastrophe” in the past, you would not have achieved such success in the future.
For example:
Maria was abandoned by her friend Dan. She plunged into the abyss of despair, locked herself in the bedroom, and cried at night for a week.
But gradually, she removes negative thoughts from her head, begins to communicate with friends, and learns to love herself. Moves to another job, meets new people, new interests appear.
After just six months, he is a different person, happier and more confident, with good self-esteem. She looks at the “tragedy” that losing Dan seemed like to her and sees that it was the best thing that ever happened to her.
Or
Nikolai was kicked out of work. He began to look for another place, but could not get a job. He decided to open his own small business. For the first time in his life, he became his own boss, and began to do what his soul had been drawn to all this time. Of course, he still had some problems in his life, but he gained meaning in life, he became independent, and all this is because of the so-called “tragedy” in life.
Some of you will say: “So what, life turns out to be a series of painful disasters?”
Not necessary. The Universe constantly helps us move in the right direction, giving us small hints. If we do not pay attention to her prompts, she begins to stimulate us with a club. Spiritual growth is much more difficult when you resist this process.
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Why the past won't let you go
Family psychologist and coach Tatyana Brain identifies several reasons:
Resentment. Hidden grievances do not allow us to live peacefully here and now. The words and actions of our offenders constantly come to mind. Mentally we are trying to prove something to them, explain something, and conduct dialogues. We continue to reopen old wounds that take away a lot of our strength and joy from living in the present.
To overcome resentment you need to get rid of its four components:
- A hurt sense of justice.
- Self-pity.
- Anger towards the offender.
- Unjustified expectations.
Guilt. We constantly remember our mistakes for which we are responsible or burn with shame for the past. But self-flagellation is the road to nowhere. Consider mistakes made or missed opportunities as good life experiences that taught you a lot. If you have the opportunity to ask for forgiveness from those who have suffered misfortune, ask.
Pity for yourself or other people. Being in a state of victim, a person constantly whines, complains about an unhappy life and injustice. The victim's position is to attract attention to oneself or to shift responsibility for one's misfortunes onto others.
Fear of an unknown future. A person is scared that in the future he will need to adapt to something new, change his habits, his life. Therefore, he lives in the memories of the past, where everything is known and familiar.
How to forgive yourself and get rid of guilt
We can single out this “cheerful” trinity of negative emotions: guilt, resentment and shame.
Let's take a closer look at them. So, what are resentment, guilt and shame?
- Resentment is when “THEY” do not do what “I” want.
- Shame is when “I” am not the same or do not do what “THEY” want.
- Guilt is when “I” does not act as “I” should have acted. At the same time, I don’t do it the way I want.
These three “friends” get along well in our soul: like one family in a three-room apartment that has walk-through rooms, and they constantly interact with each other.
Our task is to replace the tenants, namely to replace the feeling of GUILTY with FREEDOM, because this is the other side of the feeling of guilt. Replace the feeling of RESULT with acceptance, and the feeling of SHAME with pleasure.
Be patient
Trust the healing process. Just because six months have passed and you are still suffering does not mean that you are not succeeding.
It's pointless to just sit and wait for everything to be forgotten. Ask the Internet: “How to start over” and complain to your friends. New life will not be placed under the door with a note: “You deserve it.” You have to go and do it yourself: develop yourself, travel, make new acquaintances and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Features of the manifestation of guilt.
There are three main forms of it:
- Self-deprecation (I am bad). This is the destruction of your personality. A person focuses on the negative aspects of his personality. Blames himself for everything, saying: “I’m a fool!”, “I’m stupid,” “What a horse!”, calls himself all sorts of bad words;
- Self-condemnation (I am not worthy). These people have a large number of limiting beliefs in their heads. They immediately set themselves a bunch of blocks: “I will never get married,” “I will never be able to be a good mother,” “I deserve it!”
- Self-punishment (just what I need). People of this type love to punish themselves: “This is how I need it, people like me don’t deserve a husband,” “It couldn’t be otherwise, I’m a loser,” etc.
Find out which of these three formulas is similar to your attitude towards yourself at the time of guilt?
Think about which parent or other authoritative person from your environment did you pick up this behavior strategy from? From whom did they inherit patterns of behavior in feelings of guilt?
Who needs to learn to forgive
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan gives clear answers on how to learn to forgive grievances. Our thoughts are controlled by the subconscious, and it is precisely this that does not give us this opportunity - to forget and forgive ourselves of the past.
Does this mean I will always suffer?
Not all people feel resentment towards themselves. And not everyone thinks about how to forgive their past. People endowed by nature with the properties of the anal vector very often look back at their past. They remember unpleasant moments in life, are offended, and cannot forgive themselves for the past.
Attention to the past is embedded in their psyche. But not at all in order to keep grudges.
Where does the feeling of guilt come from? How is it that we all – adults – have a feeling of guilt?
The feeling of guilt is usually taken from a set of oughts that we were awarded in our joyful childhood.
Let's move on to practice.
Write down one position of obligations that you currently have in each of these areas of life: family, friends, career, recreation, development, relationships, leisure, etc.
For example:
I must be a good daughter.
I have to be an attentive mother.
I must be a great wife, etc.
____________________________________________________
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You need to understand that all these words: “I must..., I must...” actually deprive you of power. Notice how you feel as you speak them out. Even if you don't owe anyone anything, this overwhelming feeling is still present.
Therefore, the first thing you need to do now is, instead of the words “I must...”, write the word “I choose.” Do you feel your energy changing?
As soon as you replace just one word, your well-being and inner mood radically changes and the meaning of the action is completely different. You do things not because you have to, but because you choose to do them.
Practical tasks
Psychological self-help is not an easy task. A person can scroll through the same thoughts in his head for a long time. To break the vicious circle, it is important to move from theory to practice. Modern psychology offers many techniques for solving problems. Some of them can be practiced independently, without the help of a specialist. Next we will describe several practices for forgiving yourself.
3 letters
Sometimes our emotions are beyond our control. Writing helps to structure thoughts. The following practice will allow you to throw out all the accumulated negativity, take control of your emotions and even learn a little more about yourself. So let's get started:
- Seclude yourself in an empty room, dim the lights, turn off extraneous sounds. Prepare paper and pen. Take a comfortable position and close your eyes. Recreate in detail the situation for which you cannot forgive yourself. Concentrate on your emotions as much as possible. Start writing down everything you think. You can tell it chaotically, in fragments, or in a sequential story, as is convenient. Keep writing until you feel empty.
- The next day, repeat the session. You may remember new details. It is important to pour out everything negative on paper, without leaving a trace.
- Day three, final. Find the positive aspects of your action or situation. What positive changes have they brought? Write down every little thing, even if it’s not significant in your opinion.
Now it's time to say goodbye to the past. Fold 3 sheets of paper and burn them. This kind of ritual on a subconscious level will help you cleanse yourself and stop going through a bunch of old problems in your memory.
Return to childhood
What is the difference between adults and children? An adult must be responsible for his actions, must predict, prevent, correct, be able to. The child does not have to do this at all. I messed up, I couldn’t handle it - well, okay, the main thing is that the parents don’t quarrel. Until a certain age, children are not tormented by feelings of guilt. So, to forgive yourself, try turning to your inner child.
Take a break from household chores, turn off disturbing sounds, sit comfortably and be in silence for 5-10 minutes. Imagine that you are near an extraordinary, ancient temple. Its gates are open and invite you to enter. You walk in and in the center is a boy or girl about 4-5 years old. If you look closely, you will recognize yourself in the child. The baby is scared, he realizes that he has made a mistake and is waiting for punishment. Try to feel sorry for him and forgive him. Imagine how the baby calms down. Now you can leave the temple. You are forgiven.
Self-hypnosis method
The practice is ideal for people who cannot get rid of feelings of guilt for many years. In this case, self-flagellation already becomes a habit. To get rid of obsessive thoughts and finally forgive yourself, you should:
- Write a text whose meaning will be to forgive yourself. Sample content: “I completely forgive myself for past mistakes. I forgive myself without any conditions. I refuse to carry the weight of guilt in my heart. I refuse to think negatively. I feel that as I let go of the guilt for past mistakes, I become joyful and at ease. I'm ready to be happy again."
- Repeat the text in a semi-relaxed state every day, maybe several times. It is especially important to do this at moments when painful thoughts enter your head.
Regardless of whether you believe in what is written or not, relief will come with daily repetitions. Self-hypnosis works on a subconscious level.
Forgiveness according to S. Gawain
Very often, the feeling of one’s own guilt is intertwined with grievances towards other people who unwittingly became witnesses or participants in a painful situation. This practice allows you to forgive not only yourself, but also your environment. How to do it:
- Take a piece of paper and a pen and list the names of all the people who make you feel bad. Opposite each property, indicate why you are angry with it, offended, or perhaps condemned. Next, take a comfortable position, relax and imagine these people in front of you one by one. Talk to everyone, explain that you were angry or offended by them, but now you are ready to do everything possible to forgive. You must say: “I forgive and release you. Go your way and be happy." Write these words in red at the bottom of the list.
- Now list the people you think you have ever hurt. Next to the names, write what you did. Next, close your eyes and visualize these people one by one. Explain to everyone, ask for forgiveness. Imagine that they all say words of forgiveness and bless you. Finally, write at the bottom of the list: “I forgive myself completely, now and forever!”
Place both sheets of paper together, tear them up and burn them. Try not to return to past problems or grievances.
How can you forgive yourself for past mistakes? You can listen to the advice from the article, consult a psychologist, find support in your faith, or have a heart-to-heart talk with a person you trust. Everyone has his own path. The main thing is not to dwell on the negative for too long. “For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to destroy, and a time to build; a time to cry, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance..." (Ecclesiastes).
Julia, Blagoveshchensk
How to get rid of guilt: exercise “I am good”
Instructions:
From 9 areas of life: family, friends, career, recreation, development, relationships, leisure, etc., choose three in which you most often feel guilty. Write them down.
Write three sentences about what exactly you feel guilty about. Next, in each of the three areas you need to give yourself permission: “I am good, even if...”
It is very important to write down everything that gnaws at you most often!
For example.
Sphere of life " FAMILY".
- “I am good, even if the bed is not made in the room.”
- “I’m good, even if I didn’t have time to cook dinner.”
- “I’m good, even if I didn’t call my parents,” etc.
This is such internal permission for yourself, like an agreement with yourself. How do you feel now that you have allowed yourself to make some mistakes, realizing that you are not perfect.
Harmful reproaches
Self-criticism is always violence within the individual. You beat yourself up and then try to survive with broken ribs, a darned heart, a blocked throat, and a burning face from being slapped. How about we give ourselves a little freedom and remove the collar of reproaches with which we like to pacify and suppress ourselves? Maybe we are being too hard on ourselves?
In response to the beatings, our tormented and bleeding self will only grin, revealing fragments of knocked out teeth and spit blood at our feet. Comparing ourselves with others, scolding ourselves at all costs, lowly and inadequately assessing our actions, ourselves, our appearance, we not only do not help ourselves, but even cripple ourselves. It is impossible to “become better” through brutality and violence. This is how we raise only a slave: bitter, weak, withdrawn, closed and not trusting anyone.
It is not surprising that we often do not find a place for ourselves in life, in new companies. We have no time to be interested in other people and new opportunities, because we are busy monitoring ourselves and counting the “minuses”; we only have time to kick and slap our inner selves: “Sit up straight! Don't mumble! Say something smart! What are you talking about?! I look like...” We are anxious, suspicious and apathetic.
Wrong actions are part of life
Life is not permanently smooth; on the path of every person there are bumps that he has to overcome in order to improve himself. What we have gone through tempers us and makes us stronger. The most important thing is to admit: “I’m guilty” (if this is really the case), draw conclusions and move on.
If you made a mistake, caused harm to others, became a victim of deception or false misconceptions, the first thing you should do is try to correct the situation created. However, this is not always possible. Sometimes people suffer because of the final result of their own actions. The soul is aggravated by sad thoughts and the desire to return everything back, to do differently.
In this case, the church, and simply common sense, suggests that you repent, forgive yourself, and forget all the bad experiences associated with this incident. In such situations, it is very important not to move completely and irrevocably into the sphere of emotions, not to lose your head.
The problem needs to be sorted out
In any case, it is worth trying to justify yourself. But this does not mean simply giving up on the situation. Only unscrupulous people who always put their interests first can do this. The main argument for forgiveness can be that you pursued false ideas and did not have enough information.
Few people can see the future, so they often have to go through life in the dark. Someone explores the road carefully, but even he is not immune from embarrassment. Not to mention impulsive and impressionable people. This is not to say that these are bad traits. They can play a pretty good role in a number of other situations. Finding the right path, such individuals direct all their passion in a good direction. But if such a person, essentially a maximalist, stumbles, he will repeat to himself hundreds of times: “It’s my fault, how could I make such a mistake?” And bite your own elbows with bitterness. In essence, it is a waste of energy. Sooner or later, when emotions do subside, they have to draw conclusions and move on with their lives.
