How to get rid of love for your ex in 5 steps and start a new life - practical advice from a psychologist

Expecting anything from other people very often leads to disappointment. Don't let your happiness depend on someone else, because everything is in your hands.

Expecting too much from other people instead of making yourself happy will have the opposite effect. You should never become dependent on third parties, because no one knows what will happen tomorrow, everything can change, people will become completely different. They can hurt us. And, unfortunately, no one is immune from this. But we live surrounded by expectations, often unrealistic. And only when one disappointment follows another do we begin to realize that perhaps it is time to change our attitude towards other people. You need to stop expecting too much from them - this is a good solution to the problem.

You just have to want...

  • Let's face it. There is no ideal love or ideal people. The happiness in couples you see around you is the result of hard work. Happiness is a “castle” that is built brick by brick, year after year. And if your castle falls apart, it means you chose the wrong partner to build it. Accept and realize the fact that this story is over and the time has come for a new stage in your life. While you console yourself with illusions and vain hopes that “maybe everything can still be returned...”, your mental wounds will bleed. You yourself must make the point. How do you understand that love has already passed and the relationship is over?
  • Emotions are normal. Crying into a pillow or into a friend’s shoulder, doing small stupid things, breaking dishes that you bought together is normal. Give vent to your emotions, don't keep them to yourself. But it’s better to “release the genie” for your own benefit. Venting your emotions should help you, but should not harm others. Find the most effective way for yourself and painless for others to throw out accumulated feelings: target shooting, the gym (especially recommended), a vocal studio, dancing - you never know how to relieve stress. Choose the one that is closest to you and give yourself completely to it.
  • You are a self-sufficient woman. Which does not depend on events and people. Who loves life and knows how to live it beautifully. Which does not ask for anything, does not run after anyone, does not hold anyone. They are running after you and trying to hold you back. Don't they try? So this is not your destiny. And yours will suddenly appear on the doorstep with a bouquet of flowers, but you won’t wait for her obediently at the window, because you need to be happy today. And there is still so much to be done in this life that let your fate catch up with you.
  • We change everything! Love, as a strong feeling, according to medical facts, “releases” after a month. If you don’t feed it and don’t add new wood to its fire. If you have the courage and wisdom to put an end to the relationship, then all the “wood” needs to be removed. Start general cleaning with your head and home. And then - as needed. Change your lifestyle and image, rearrange your home, take new routes to work, make new friends, etc. Doesn’t help? Change your place of residence. It only seems that feelings - they live independently of you, but in reality they depend only on you. Remember - it is important to make a point. And then just remove from life everything that can turn your dot into an ellipsis.
  • And someone is now much worse off than you. And perhaps this someone really needs your help. Take custody of him. It doesn’t matter who it is - a terminally ill child, an old man left alone by his children, a puppy thrown out into the cold by someone, or your neighbor who is barely making ends meet to feed her child. When we begin to feel someone else's pain, our own goes into oblivion. And in order to understand what the soul should really ache about, and what is empty and meaningless in life, you need to get out of your shell, in which it is so cozy and pleasant to feel sorry for yourself, and look around.

And treat everything with humor. It not only helps to live, but also often saves in situations when it seems that the “end of the world” has come. Smile. This life was given to you so that you can enjoy it every day. Despondency goes to the stove.

And remember the main thing - a person can survive everything that befalls him. Fate sends us only those trials that we can handle - no more and no less.

Consider your situation as a test of your strength .

How to let go of your attachment to a man - stop clinging to him, waiting, depending

The most common model of relationships is dependent relationships - with a fixation on a partner. We were taught this way - to live differently, to love another, to idealize another, to curse another too... The focus has always been outside, not inside. It's hard for us to imagine that there's anything wrong here. And yet, it is precisely the focus on the personality of another, and not on ourselves, that brings us a lot of suffering and pain. After all, when two people deepen into a relationship, it is quite predictable and guaranteed that at some point they will open each other’s deepest wounds and press on the most sore spots.

What causes our dependence in relationships? And what is she hiding underneath? How “inevitable” is our suffering?

If you smiled and thought “well, this is not about me,” do not rush to close the topic. The symptoms of dependent relationships are opaque and insidious; it requires focused awareness and the courage to see them in your life. For example, you are thrown either cold or hot - from a feeling of being chosen and superior to complete self-abasement. Or just about, and there will be a need for approval and support from others in order to feel that everything is going well. Or periodically there is a feeling of powerlessness to change anything in the current relationship, which is slowly but surely killing both. Or you often seek salvation in alcohol, food, work, sex or some other external stimulant to distract from your experiences, inability to experience a feeling of true intimacy and love. And the role of a martyr is given to you especially gracefully and naturally... Then take a look, don’t be afraid, look in the face of what may have been repressed from your consciousness, what you have denied about yourself for many years or even “didn’t realize” - your addiction.

Features of manifestation of addiction:

  • A person defines who he is (his identity) only through relationships. He cannot imagine himself without a partner. In relationships, it is as if he is complemented to the whole, but at what cost - by renouncing himself. He looks at others as the source of his happiness and completeness of existence. If I'm not happy, he holds someone else responsible for it.
  • A dependent person is constantly dependent on another person: on his opinion, on his mood, on whether he approved or frowned, and so on.
  • It is very difficult for dependent individuals to separate themselves from their partner. The loss of a partner is unbearable for them. Therefore, they strive to increase infantile interdependence, rather than reduce it. They thereby reduce their importance and sabotage their freedom. They also constantly undermine their partner’s freedom.
  • Such people are characterized by the inability to perceive and respect the separateness, uniqueness, and “friendship” of their loved one. They, however, do not perceive themselves as separate people. This is the source of much unnecessary suffering. When one person tells another: “I can’t live without you,” that’s not love, that’s manipulation. Love is the free choice of two people to live together. Moreover, each of the partners can live alone.
  • Dependent people are looking for a mate, trying to solve their problems in this way. They believe that a love relationship will cure them of boredom, melancholy, and lack of meaning in life. They hope that their partner will fill the void in their life. But when we choose a mate, placing similar hopes on her, in the end we cannot avoid hating the person who did not live up to our expectations.
  • They are unable to define their psychological boundaries. Addicted people do not know where their boundaries end and where other people's boundaries begin.
  • They always try to make a good impression on others. They always try to earn love, please other people, and wear masks of “goodness.” In this way, dependent people try to control the perceptions of other people. But at what cost - betraying your true feelings and needs.
  • They do not trust their own views, perceptions, feelings or beliefs, but they listen to the opinions of others.
  • They try to become necessary to other people. They often play the role of “rescuers”.
  • They are jealous.
  • They experience difficulties alone.
  • They idealize their partner and become disappointed in him over time.
  • Not connected to their dignity and intrinsic value.
  • They experience despair and painful loneliness when they are not in a relationship.
  • They believe that the partner must change.

Addiction is a relationship with a fixation on another person.

Codependency in adults occurs when two psychologically dependent people establish relationships with each other. In such relationships, everyone contributes part of what is necessary for him to create a psychologically complete or independent personality. Since neither can feel and act completely independently of the other, they tend to stick to each other as if glued to each other. As a result, everyone's attention is focused on the personality of the other, and not on himself.

Strategy of the addicted lover

A disproportionate amount of time and attention is spent on the person targeted by the addiction. Thoughts about the “beloved” dominate the mind, becoming an extremely valuable idea. Characterized by obsessiveness in behavior and emotions, anxiety, self-doubt, impulsiveness of actions and deeds, difficulty in expressing intimate feelings. He, as a rule, does not know what he needs specifically, but desperately wants his partner to make him happy (as in the fairy tale: “go there, I don’t know where, bring that, I don’t know what”...).

The love of an addicted person is always conditional! It is mixed with fear, jealousy, manipulation, control, claims, reproaches from unjustified expectations.

There is no trust in such relationships. Without it, a person becomes suspicious, anxious and full of fears, while another feels emotionally trapped, it seems to him that he is not allowed to breathe freely. There is jealousy - fear of loneliness, low self-esteem and dislike for oneself.

The addict is in the grip of experiencing unrealistic expectations in relation to another person in the system of these relationships, without criticism of his condition. Expectation is the first, weak form of “demand”... And demand is, in fact, aggression. Directed - at yourself, at the world, at life, at another person.

A love addict forgets about himself, stops taking care of himself and thinking about his needs outside of the dependent relationship. The addict has serious emotional problems, which are centered on fear, which he tries to suppress. The fear that is present at the level of consciousness is the fear of abandonment. By his behavior he seeks to avoid abandonment. But on a subconscious level this is a fear of intimacy. Because of this, the addict is unable to tolerate “healthy” intimacy. He is afraid of being in a situation where he has to be himself. This leads to the fact that the subconscious leads the addict into a trap in which he chooses a partner who cannot be intimate. This may be due to the fact that in childhood the addict failed and experienced mental trauma when showing intimacy with his parents.

In my understanding, love between two people can only take place when each of them has turned into a spiritually mature person, and it can only be truly deep and beautiful when the relationship comes from freedom.

  1. Love is freedom, but not the kind of freedom that does not recognize obligations. Love is responsibility, obligations that you yourself voluntarily observe, and freedom of choice that you give to another person . It is important that our love does not become a suffocation for loved ones. Respect your obligations to your loved one, but at the same time allow him to breathe freely.

Nobody belongs to anyone! The partner is not my property. He is a person, a soul who has decided to walk the path with you so that together you can grow. It's not always easy to let someone you love go free, but there is no other way. Life wisdom tells us: the more freedom we give to another, the closer he is to us.

  1. To love is to be there when needed, and to step back a little when the space becomes too small for two. “When two devastated souls meet, they are immediately tired of each other, their relationship is doomed” (Jigme Rinpoche).

Partners in such close relationships move closer and further apart during their dance, they are not always psychologically together and may still quarrel and argue with each other, but they do so impartially and with respect for each other's needs and feelings. This becomes possible through trust and awareness.

  1. Relationships of Freedom and Love are fundamental security. When two people learn to be independent, whole, autonomous people, they no longer need to defend themselves from each other, control (themselves and their partner) and manipulate. Love means that the person next to you can be real. He is allowed to be weak, allowed to doubt, allowed to be ugly, allowed to be sick, allowed to make mistakes. Loving a person more than the actions they perform. To be someone they know will never betray. We love and love just like that, for no reason, because we cannot help but love. We love out of abundance, not out of fear and insufficiency. We love not to possess, but to give, to give away what overwhelms us.
  2. Relationships from Freedom and Love are always maturity and awareness. This is the deepest work on yourself, first of all. Love is like death. Through the experience of love, a person is reborn for a new life: he dissolves his ego, frees himself from it. Love - I am ready to give up my selfishness.

This is the highest degree of freedom - first of all, internal! When you yourself are free, you respect and appreciate your partner’s freedom. You become a source of freedom...

“Immature people, falling in love, destroy each other’s freedom, create dependence, build a prison. Mature people in love help each other to be free; they help each other eliminate any dependencies. When love lives in dependence, ugliness appears. And when love flows with freedom, beauty appears” (Osho).

If you are in a dependent relationship, your attention is focused on the other person, you feel happy only next to him. You are ready to do anything just to get it, because otherwise your world is empty and gray. If you choose to gain inner integrity and maturity, look for a way out and don’t find it, there is a simple technique - the technique of gratitude!

Take time for yourself. Stay alone with yourself, with your Soul. Ask yourself a few simple questions and answer them sincerely.

  • Why do I thank this man?
  • What attracts me to him?
  • What happens to me when I communicate with him?
  • In what ways are we similar?
  • Where is he expanding me? What can I learn from him?
  • Why can't I still erase his contact?
  • What can I keep from this connection? Which lessons?
  • What connects us at the Soul level? Why do we both need this connection and this experience?
  • What is the most valuable thing in my life now because of this experience?
  • How did he protect me when he didn't choose me? What are my good thoughts about him?
  • What kind of person have I become thanks to my relationship with this person? What in me, which was in the shadows of my consciousness, has found light?
  • Can I move on on my own? Bless him and let him go? Do I have love and gratitude in my heart for this person? If not, why not? What is still unfinished between us? How much time do I give myself to complete this? Do I choose to sacrifice another piece of my life to something that is already in the past?

How to stop loving your ex if he is married, if you see him every day - etc.?

How can you stop loving him if you have to see him every day at work? Or accidentally meet him every morning because he lives in an apartment (house) across the street?


But what difference does it make if you have already put an end to it? No!

It's like quitting smoking: until you want to quit, you will constantly be drawn to a cigarette, and neither patches, nor smart books, nor seeds will help. You can quit only if you really want it - immediately and forever. Without leaving even a tiny hope for yourself that “then, one day, well, if only a little, well, you never know, but anything can happen...”.

Or be like children. When a child is afraid to pull out a baby tooth, he asks his dad (or mom) to do it quickly, so that he won’t be afraid for a long time, and so that the pain will go away instantly, as if it never happened, “sniff” - and it’s done. Just tie the tooth by a string to the door and pull the door sharply. Everyone did this when they were kids. The child always shields himself from pain. And quickly forgets about sorrows. And he puts his “I” above everything else. Not because he is an egoist, but because the child lives in today, and not in yesterday or tomorrow. And he just enjoys life, the wind, the sun, a new toy, mom and dad, a delicious dinner. He has no time to be sad, to cry over photographs, to remember, to torment his heart with all sorts of nonsense.

Learn to be a child. Work on yourself!

How to get rid of unrequited love and start living - practical instructions

Mismatch between expectations and reality leads to disappointment

Waiting for something that will never happen (or even if there is such a possibility, but it is very small) is the wrong action: it will invariably cause us to suffer from disappointment.

Don't expect too much... Just because you have no control over it: people act in accordance with their own interests. They can change their point of view at any time.

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But do you know who you can definitely rely on? On ourselves, and nothing more!

Based on the above, we bring to your attention 4 ways that can help you change your attitude towards others. And make this “transition” as smooth as possible. So that you stop expecting too much from other people without experiencing excruciating suffering. Believe me, this will free you and allow you to throw off the burden of unrealistic expectations that you were careless to trust. It's time to stop waiting and finally start living.

Don't expect people to agree with you on everything

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live your life the way you dream. So don't let someone's opinions lead you astray. You are not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, just as other people do not live to fully meet your expectations. In fact, if you approve the decisions you make, you won't need anyone else's approval.

Take risks to be yourself and rely on your intuition, even if you are shy or afraid. Don't compare yourself to others or envy their success.

Don't expect everything to get better on its own.

Be kind to those around you, because people around you have a hard time too. Behind every smile lies an intense internal struggle, often with the same problems as you.

We all have the ability to push through adversity and adversity instead of avoiding it. Support, participation and compliance are the best gifts in life. We get them often. We need to learn to accept them, because we all share the same dreams, needs and aspirations.

People don't always behave the way we want them to. As they say, we hope for the best and expect the worst. Remember, your happiness is directly dependent on your thoughts and your choice from which point of view to look at things. And always remember that if people made you feel something new or taught you something new, then it was not in vain that they appeared in your life, despite all the difficulties.

Circle 6

Trying to attract attention, we start meaninglessly posting beautiful pictures and suggestive videos.
In this series of beauty, we sip something stronger or spread a thick layer of chocolate spread on the loaf. Food becomes our best friend, while other people become class enemies. The subscriber still ignores our attempts, periodically blinking the “online” sign, as if hinting that life is still in full swing for him.

Attempts to hint about our existence via SMS lead us straight to the seventh circle of hell.

Rihanna turned to the lyrics and shot the fans in the head twice – “Stay” and “What now” really excite girls’ hearts.

Circle 5

The second attack of anger comes suddenly.
We are trying to tear off a piece of the table, but our strength is clearly not enough.

Cursing our own weakness and the stupidity of our interlocutor, we finally decide to devote ourselves to serving the Lord and begin to look for Anger Management courses.

Checking Dialogues periodically, of course.

Lady Gaga stood out and instead of waiting, she went to the club and got drunk. This is exactly how the song “Telephone” appeared

Circle 1

The worst thing is to see that the subscriber is available. Social networks and the “Online” status were invented by sadists. We were hooked on this badge like heroin addicts. If you take this flour from us, you may well end up in trouble.

So, the subscriber is there.

But for some reason, the treasured message is stuck at the writing stage, and you try not to breathe and open the “Dialogues” tab several times.

The SMS signal turned from a short flutter into a loud battle for 5 minutes.

After all, the very thought of missing a cherished message terrifies us.

Meditating Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in Harper's Bazaar “If you are going to wait for something, then in the right outfit” - the mantra from Harper's Bazaar

Open up to the world and it will fill you

There are two immutable laws in our life:

1. You can only give to others what you have yourself. Well, everything seems clear here. If there is money, we can give it away, if there is none, then we cannot. But why then does a mother who cannot love sacredly believe that she can teach her children love? Why is an unhappy wife sure that she gives happiness to her husband every day?

2. The more you hide and save what you have accumulated, the less will come to you. I was once outraged by this phrase: “How not to save? How to give? What will I have left then?” But this is how nature works: an apple tree, regretting dropping its fruits in the fall, breaks its branches from the weight, and the apples still rot by winter; the river, not wanting to carry its waters further, blocks its channel and turns into a stagnant, stinking swamp, which over time is still crushed.

We ourselves will never give money to a person, knowing that he will hide it in a stocking and shove it under the mattress. Why then does it seem to us that if we take and take, save and not share with anyone, the world will shower us with its generosity?

So, in order to make others happy, you need to feel happiness yourself. For life to be generous to us, we need to learn to be generous to others.

Ways to help you forget someone

The question of how to stop thinking about a person has been relevant at all times. In such cases, our ancestors relied on magic, in particular:

Conspiracies and rituals

They must be performed on the waning moon: feelings should decrease along with it. It seems that there is a rational grain here, because with their help a person gives himself a positive attitude, programs himself for a positive result. In any case, there is no crime here, and the attempt is not torture.

All we need is a source of clean water, lemon balm leaves, privacy and a little imagination. Let's focus on our emotions - resentment, mental pain, which prevent us from forgetting another person. Let’s mentally transfer them to the lemon balm leaves, imagining them with our tears, and we’ll tear them off one by one and throw them into the water. Leaves float away, memories float away. We leave when we feel peace and tranquility, having first washed our face with water from the spring. This ritual can be repeated every week.

Finding the source may be a problem. In its absence, we will use fire: we put our obsessive thoughts on paper, and then set it on fire, imagining how they fly away from us forever along with the ashes.

These methods are harmless and will not harm anyone. However, it is strictly forbidden to turn to fortune tellers for help in order to cast a spell or spell on the deceased.

We give ourselves the attitude: “Everything that is done is for the better.”

It may very well be that life has closed some doors in front of us, having previously opened others. But we resist with all our might, clinging to old relationships, trying to revive to life something that has long died. There are new opportunities, discoveries, surprises, new people and new acquaintances ahead.

And, as the old song says, “If a bride leaves for someone else, then no one knows who is lucky.”

Let's clear our living space for new relationships

Apathy, devastation, disappointment, loss of faith in long lasting relationships, reluctance to make new acquaintances - you cannot let these feelings take over you. It will not be easy to escape from their captivity. Let's fill the void with interesting things that we always wanted to do, but never found time for. At first it will be difficult to completely switch to them, but gradually we will get involved and think less and less about “ex”.

It may be a renovation - even if you have to take out a loan, but your head will be occupied not with fruitless thoughts, but with the search for new income. At the same time, we’ll put away out of sight, give away or throw away things that we bought together or bring back memories.

They say you can't run away from yourself. However, after a month or two we will notice that the pain, if not gone away, has dulled. However, this is not yet a reason to relax - we do not lose our vigilance, we are not yet ready to meet this person. The slightest reason is enough for the memories to play out with renewed vigor.

Don't expect everyone to like you

With some people you may feel worthless and unworthy; with others you may feel unimportant. Don't forget your value. And spend time with people who appreciate you.

No matter how good you are to other people, there will always be at least one negative person who will criticize you. Smile, ignore and move on.

Sometimes people may judge you for being “different.” But actually it's wonderful. What makes you different from others makes you you. And in the end, you will always find people who will appreciate you for who you are.

When he leaves his wife

They say that every mistress dreams of becoming a wife. I believe that the role of a mistress is humiliating for a woman.

“Mistress” is a status in which a woman lives in chronic anticipation. When he finds a minute or frees up the evening, when his wife leaves for Italy, when the children grow up, mom will recover...

And in this status you will always play only a secondary role. Like a set in a theater, because the viewer looks at the actors, and not at the curtain.

Another option: the wife is in standby mode - her husband after her mistress. He cheated once or cheats left and right, and she is faithfully waiting for the man to come to his senses. After all, he promised to improve.

Honey, if a man cheated, of course, you are partly to blame, but when everything repeats in a circle, leave this relationship. Take the experience you gained and run.

Circle 3

We explode and throw the phone aside.
We swear and close the browser window, trying to maintain deathly silence online, while in real life plates are flying into the wall, and cigarette butts are being extinguished on the asphalt. Turning ourselves inside out, we diligently distract ourselves for a full 15 minutes, sincerely convincing ourselves that we can withstand more time.

Carly Rae and her hit “Call me maybe” annoyed many people much more than waiting for a new message. The girls from the Pussycat Dolls fled long ago, but before that they came to an agreement by singing “I don’t need a man”

Don't expect people to read your mind

You probably know that people cannot read minds. They will never know how you really feel unless you tell them yourself. For example, your boss may not consider a promotion unless you talk to him about it. And the cute guy or girl will never talk to you because you are too shy: how can he or she talk to you if you are constantly hiding from them?

It is extremely important to communicate regularly with others. You just need to tense your vocal cords and say the first word. You have to tell people what you think. It's simple, you just need to start.

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