How to get rid of a state of dependence on a person: advice from a psychologist

Love addiction (addiction)

– this is a state when a person experiences constant fear, uncertainty, horror at the thought that he may lose a loved one. Imagining separation, he falls into despondency, apathy and despair. Life without an object of dependence seems unbearable to him, and a real breakup can even lead to suicide.

In the article we will reveal the psychology of the addict, what types of addiction there are, its internal causes and how to get rid of it and treat it.

Important Strong dependence on a person manifests itself in total control, an unhealthy desire to always be close to a loved one and loss of self-control.

What is this feeling

This type of dependent relationship can take several forms:

• love;
• psychological.

The first involves obsession with a partner, parent or friend, teacher, artist. If such a feeling arises, the best option would be to immediately contact a psychologist.

Such attachment can lead to the main danger - a negative and destructive impact on the mental state of the dependent person. Such a person does not see the problem and wants to completely dissolve in his beloved, fulfill all his dreams and requests.

There is also psychological dependence on other people, the development of which is to blame for culture and society. In many films, books and theatrical performances we see true, sincere and heroic love, which gives rise to unhealthy behavior in us, the desire for the same romantic and loud relationships as in literary works. Another reason for the occurrence of such an illness is the primordial female image: a girl is obliged to love her husband with all her heart, fulfill his whims and care for him.

When a person does not build his personal boundaries, attachment develops on a psychological level. This manifests itself if the individual does not see the line where his influence ends and begins. He will not be able to clearly say which desires belong to him and which belong to his parents, partner, management. He also doesn’t listen to his body well, for example, he is unable to say “no” to his loved one in intimacy when he doesn’t want it at all. Such a person lives the life of another person, she is absorbed in him, and meanwhile her dreams, aspirations, desires act as ghosts.

But there is another reason for the appearance of such attachment - the loss of a close friend, spouse, parent. If an individual experiences this, he is traumatized. This event left an imprint of fear of loss on his life. Because of this, he becomes intrusive, overly responsive, and uses all his strength to maintain close relationships.

Nature of addiction

Addiction can develop for a number of reasons. If you feel that you cannot understand yourself on your own, or the disease reaches a critical state when you are causing significant damage to your health, it is better to contact a psychologist who will help identify the causes of addictive behavior and make corrections.

The main motivations for addiction are highlighted by American psychologist and psychiatrist Gillian Riley:

• Reflex or unconscious signal. Occurs when a person associates an addictive action with something else. For example, smoking when going outside or after eating.
• At a loss. Psychological problems, including problems with self-esteem, lead people to act in ways that are harmful to themselves. Dependence here is a way of not accepting oneself. In this case, deep and systematic work with the root causes is important.
• Pleasure. Our brain becomes hooked on the stimulation of positive emotions. Especially when there is a hunger for them. In order to initially prevent this, it is important to learn to enjoy simple everyday things, relax and not deprive yourself of desires, then there will be no need to compensate.
• Altered state. This is a “buzz”, “excitement”, “satisfaction” or just a good mood. The mechanism of action is similar to the previous one, but it is important to note that the basis of addiction is discomfort, which prompts a person to act. By satisfying an obsessive desire, a person gets rid of the feeling of discomfort and feels relief, which develops into euphoria. A simple example: a smoker’s irritation, a feeling of danger when the cigarettes run out - a puff - a feeling of security, pleasure. In this case, the pleasure is not caused by the nicotine itself (it has not yet had time to act and its effect is not so strong), but by the realization that the obsessive desire is satisfied.
• Development of a culture of dependence. As we said earlier, people with addiction break off social ties and strive to surround themselves with similarly addicted people. The culture of dependency is a very powerful trap. That is, a person likes everything related to his illness. For example, let’s continue the topic of smoking: these are expensive cigarettes, beautiful lighters, photos with cigarette smoke, etc. In the Internet era, it is very easy to find like-minded people in any destructive activity, which makes the situation worse.
• Social pressure. A serious problem of our time. Marketing puts pressure on a person, causing a feeling of inferiority, putting pressure on the idea “everyone does it.” That is, “everyone buys expensive things,” “everyone smokes, smoking is cool,” “everyone is fixated on weight and losing weight.” The availability and unauthorized nature of advertising can lead even a healthy person into the trap of addiction. Therefore, it is important to recognize the presence of such pressure and filter out such materials whenever possible.

Non-obvious dependence is the most difficult case. There are people who depend on compulsive actions that look useful from the outside. For example, a pathological obsession with healthy eating is also a psychological problem. Many are slaves of likes and positive comments, slaves of work, slaves of codependent relationships that from the outside look like love to the grave, but are destructive from the inside... and the options don’t end there.

Addiction is a disease. Therefore, it is very important not to think of dependent people, including yourself, as weak-willed or immoral. Having an addiction, a person would be glad to get rid of it, since it causes him great harm, pain and suffering, but he cannot get rid of it. Unfortunately, this does not work with the snap of a finger or after a strong promise to yourself. The best thing you can do is promise yourself to start working in this direction and get ready for long, systematic work.

Causes

To understand how to overcome and overcome dependence on a person, you need to know why it develops. A dependent state is a strong attachment of one individual to another. There are several reasons for the appearance of this disease:

• The emergence of a desire to avoid responsibility. It manifests itself even in childhood, if the child was under the overprotection of his parents. In his childhood life, all problems were solved by adults, so he is not able to overcome all difficulties on his own. Such people do not feel protected, so they strive to be under the care of their husband or wife and always hope for their help.
• Harassment. Children who have experienced violence from adults need support, care, tenderness and love most of all. And everyone who shows such tender feelings towards them finds an obsessive friend. The most important thing is the timely recognition of attachment and the prompt fight against excessive need for attention. If this process is started, it will lead to the development of addiction, which, in turn, can drive people crazy.

Active actions

Your goal is to gradually adopt a new lifestyle until it becomes habitual. It won't be easy, of course. You may find yourself returning to past addictions and experiencing small failures. There's nothing wrong with that, it's normal. Admit you made a mistake and move on. The main thing is to maintain the desire and confidence in better changes.

When you achieve some victory over your addictions, reward yourself with something special. For example, take an unplanned day off or go for a walk in a pleasant company that will not remind you of your past life and lead to addiction.

And don't expect that you can get rid of addiction in a day, a week or even a month. This is a long-term process that takes time. That is why, do not lose vigilance and perseverance, and you will definitely achieve the point where addiction will no longer have power over you.

Examples of actions you can take to overcome addiction:

Signs of love and symptoms of emotional dependence on a person: main differences

I will describe in detail the difference between genuine love attraction and simple attachment to a partner. Only a mature person can love; an infantile person will not be able to show such deep feelings, since she has not yet matured enough to do so. Of course, she is capable of experiencing strong attraction, but this is only proof that she is dependent on a person.

Psychologist Daria Milai

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Every year our body grows up with us, then it begins to age, we cannot change this. However, not all people achieve psychological development, because it implies responsibility for their actions and for their relatives and family. Some people are put off by this and find an easier way.

Even a small child is capable of loving, but such love is consumerist. He respects his parents because they take care of him, educate him, and support him. The baby is very afraid of suddenly losing his mother, since it will be difficult for him to survive without her. If you educate him, not only fulfilling his whims and needs, but also develop him psychologically, explaining unobtrusively how to do the right thing, and what actions it is better to refuse, giving life instructions. He will subsequently move away from his mother and become independent, learn to thank loved ones and notice that his family is living people who must be respected and supported.

To find out if you are dependent on other people, you need to study the differences between love and affection:

• Personal boundaries. Healthy relationships of mature and wise people have the trait that they use the pronoun “we” in family life (“we are planning to go to Spain on vacation”), but the “I” is always preserved. The main sign of emotional attachment between partners is the absence of boundaries. They constantly say “we”, using it in every situation and sentence. They often make decisions for each other, sometimes prohibit their partner from having their own free time, arguing that they need to spend more time together, and use things (a comb, a toothbrush) without asking permission.
• Control. Love is manifested in respect, trust and care for the loved one. Partners do not limit each other’s freedom; they calmly respond to the request of a companion - to go to a bar with friends, or a companion: to go shopping with friends, to go to the movies, to go to their parents for the weekend. Dependence is expressed in constant control of the beloved, as they are haunted by the fear of being abandoned. Such people believe that control provides them with security, so they act as tyrants, dictating their will to their companion.
• Show respect and maintain equality. A truly lover respects and values ​​his soul mate, giving him the right to choose. But the infantile personality does not experience feelings of respect, but only contempt. Such a spouse behaves aggressively, discusses shortcomings behind their back, and makes fun of them. There can be no talk of equality in such relationships.

Degree of attachment

Conditional affection between friends

1. Household. A person gets used to a certain standard of living, its conditions and comfort.
2. Conditional. Attachment to an object, manifested by the desire to receive emotional impressions, positivity and joy.
3. Painful, rigid, neurotic attachment is when the thought that the object of dependence may disappear from your life leads to severe pain and terrible fear.
4. Obsessive. A person completely forgets about himself, his needs, and is completely dependent on subordinating the will of another individual.

What are the types of addiction called and why does it occur: signs of attachment to a person

The dependent state has its own varieties, their main difference is in the object towards which such obsessive feelings are manifested. An advanced stage of emotional psychological illness leads to suicide and the development of mental illness.

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Love

It is one of the most common types. Its danger is manifested in its consequences. At first, lovers spend a lot of time together, begin to forget about friends, and cannot imagine life without each other. People in healthy relationships do not prohibit their partner from meeting friends and allow them to travel and engage in hobbies. But there are such relationships when family representatives cannot mind their own affairs, but devote all their free time to their beloved.

In most cases, girls and women experience such affection, since for them any avoidance of a meeting, even if there was a good reason, is perceived as:

• he lost interest in me;
• he is dating someone else;
• he decided to break off relations with me;
• he doesn't appreciate me.

The main signs of dependent feelings of a woman and a man:

• relationships are impossible without constant interaction;
• love relationships are a difficult process, but its absence is harder;
• jealous feelings are the norm;
• presence of constant threats of separation.

Attachment and fear complement each other. The addict is tormented by frequent anxiety and negative thoughts, he loses the ability to normally perceive the world around him without his loved one, but he also refuses to acknowledge the developing mental illness. If you find yourself in such a situation, sign up for a consultation with me, I will definitely help you get through this period and describe how to never return to it again.

Friendly

If your friend left for a couple of weeks, a month on vacation, on a business trip, and you start to get bored, because you have no one to discuss your day with and no one to hug. But to distinguish a normal friendship from a dependent one, pay attention to freedom. If two people experience sincere friendly feelings for each other, then they can spend time in the company of other people, without feeling uncomfortable and depressed. However, if everything is the other way around, one of the friends is jealous, does not like to spend time with strangers and gets angry if his friend meets a new friend - he has become a victim of addiction.

Parental

Adults sometimes put a lot of pressure on their child, providing excessive guardianship. From childhood, they begin to control every step of the child and try to prevent mistakes. Time passes, the baby grows up, and parental care increases. If parents show strong attachment, this indicates their reluctance to separate and let the child build his life outside the home where he grew up.

What does overprotection lead to:

• children are not able to make independent decisions;
• do not have the courage to stand up for their loved ones and themselves;
• if a problem arises, be sure to call your mother;
• in any dangerous situation he falls into a state of panic.

Acknowledge your emotions

Admitting your vulnerability is a way to connect with your inner child. The best way to express this part of yourself is to speak like a child, for example: “I’m very sad / hurt / scared / lonely right now.”

Once you feel that you have sincerely expressed your feelings, you need to take the position of the inner parent. The first thing to note is how charmingly innocent, vulnerable and flawless your inner child is.

You can then gently reassure your inner child that it is okay to be sad, afraid, and angry.

At this stage, you are a wise adult who is determined to take care of your adorable child.

Even if you don't know what to do, you can gently say, “ We'll figure it out .” Or make this promise:

“I know it’s difficult for you now. I know you feel lost and helpless. I don’t know how long it will take, but I’m here to do whatever it takes to help you.”

So we have a process for accepting thoughts and emotions. First, allow yourself to express them with genuine vulnerability. Second, respond to yourself with compassionate acceptance and understanding. Finally, express a loving desire to help.

Just remember, don't censor your thoughts and feelings . Every thought in your mind requires sincere and humane recognition. Allow yourself to fully express them from your heart.

Stages

To understand how to stop depending on a person and remove addiction from your life forever, you need to study all the stages of its development, then you will know what stage you are at. I will list the main stages of attachment formation:

• Lack of dependent relationships. With equal rights between spouses who value and protect their feelings and are one whole, healthy and harmonious relationships arise.
• The emergence of obsession. If one of the partners uses manipulation, resorts to control, wants to be around every free minute, this indicates the development of attachment, which helps the addict drown out his internal conflicts. This stage is dangerous because the personality begins to degrade: self-esteem decreases, behavior becomes overly emotional, and it becomes more difficult to plan life.
• Problems arising due to relationships. The addicted person gradually stops making contact with close friends, since all his time is focused on his spouse. He also experiences frequent touchiness, jealousy and loses self-control. In addition, such a person fully admits his guilt, but cannot do anything about it and suffers because of his behavior.
• The emergence of difficulties within relationships. The last stage of the disease is characterized by dissatisfaction and a lack of positive emotions, but thoughts of change frighten dependent individuals. Gradually they become indifferent to everything except their attraction to their loved one.

Be alone

We have an innate need to connect. This is absolutely normal.

The essence of loneliness is not to isolate yourself from the world, to imagine that you can be completely independent and officially declare your independence to the rest of humanity.

“Loving yourself is incredibly difficult. But it's worth it".

It is important to learn to take care of yourself, to understand that your needs are very important and they will not go away if you neglect or ignore them.

The dependence of your emotional state on anything is always the result of the fact that you suppress your needs.

Here are some ways to take care of yourself emotionally:

• Recognize your needs and prioritize;
• Make plans to meet your needs;
• Enjoying solitude;
• Find or create a support group where you can express your feelings;
• Consciously return to the present moment several times a day;
• Exercise regularly to make your body feel better;
• Immerse yourself in something positive.
• And finally, never forget that wherever there is life, there is hope.

Loneliness is your best opportunity to explore your condition. Imagine that you decide to spend several months completely alone. Ask yourself, “How can I make this time peaceful, relaxing, healing, constructive, and worthwhile?”

You're sure to find many amazing ways to have fun and take care of yourself. Perhaps through calming meditation, films, music, books, courses or walks accompanied by your imagination.

Test

To find out for sure about your addiction, get tested. Answer the following questions:

• Do you often feel anxious about your relationship?
• Do you have difficulty saying no?
• Are you constantly seeking his approval?
• If he praises you, does your mood improve?
• Do you panic if your partner is not happy with something?
• Can't imagine your life without him?
• Is he not interested in your goals?

If you only have 1-2 positive responses, this means that you are in the early stages of addiction. If there are already three “yes”, you are at the second stage, in order to prevent the development of the disease in a timely manner, sign up for my consultation, I will help you get rid of it. If 4-7 positive answers, you have the last stage of attachment.

Don't shift responsibility to others

How many times have you walked past a homeless person and tossed him some change?

When you become “emotionally broke,” you are in just as bad a situation as this homeless man. You can ask for help, but there is no point in demanding it. The harsh truth is that no one owes you anything.

“The only way to free yourself from a situation is to free the situation from you.”

If it seems to you that someone “should” or “is obligated” to help you, this is manipulation on your part. In this case, you are confusing your needs with their responsibilities.

The key to overcoming emotional addiction is to take charge of your own problems. The most important thing is to start.

Fighting methods

A passion must appear that will displace all thoughts about the object of addiction

1. It is necessary to sensibly evaluate the object of adoration for its advantages and disadvantages. To do this, you need to take off your rose-colored glasses and write down all the negative traits on a piece of paper, realizing their negative impact on your life. At the initial stage it will seem to you that it is ideal. Then you will find shortcomings, but they will seem insignificant. Over time, the realization will come that a person is far from ideal, it is you who endowed him with such positive qualities.
2. Destroy everything that reminds you of the object of addiction, photographs, gifts, personal belongings.
3. End all relationships with mutual friends. You will have a desire to find out the latest news from the life of the object of addiction; attachment will not go away.
4. To make it easier to push thoughts about the object of addiction out of your head, you need to devote all your free time to some kind of activity. You can join a sports section, do handicrafts, meet with friends - do anything to keep yourself busy with something else.
5. If the addiction is caused by lack of confidence in your abilities, low self-esteem, go to a stylist, change your image, get a new hairstyle, and if necessary, start going to the gym. You will begin to transform and see how other people pay attention to you, and the opportunity to make new acquaintances will appear. You will realize that you deserve better. In addition to appearance, you can engage in self-development, enroll in specialized courses, for example, in learning a foreign language. You will begin to enjoy your successes and will no longer be so attached to the object of addiction.
6. It is important to choose the right motivation; it is desirable that there is a need to perform tasks that increase self-esteem and bring positivity to life. In this case, it is better that the time to achieve your goals does not take much time. For example, you can plan to purchase a car or travel.