How to change a man's attitude towards himself? What to do if the relationship has reached a dead end and is not developing in the direction the woman would like?
In any, even the most “fabulous” relationship, conflicts arise. But for some reason the man is always the guilty party. After all, he is the one who doesn’t give flowers, doesn’t give compliments, stays late at work and generally doesn’t behave the way a woman would like.
Read on and you will find out:
- What does a man “mirror” in a relationship?
- What to do if you are not happy with something in your relationship? How can I change this?
- Dialogue with yourself: how to understand what you are missing?
- Step-by-step instructions for harmonizing relationships
In this video we will talk about what a man wants to show a woman with his attitude? Is it possible to change a partner and make him “ideal?” Watch, analyze, draw conclusions:
How to change a man's attitude towards himself
Hi all! June is with you. And I want to confidently declare that a woman’s fate depends on her self-respect! Especially when it comes to guys. Today I will tell you how to change a man’s attitude towards himself and achieve the best for himself.
In my articles, I often touch on the topic of self-esteem, dignity and respect, which are formed in early childhood. But today I will not dwell on the reasons in detail, but will tell you how to become loved .
For this, beautiful girls, understand the simple mechanism of how the attitude of others depends on ourselves .
What happens to lovers
In the early stages of a relationship, partners usually do not notice their differences or push them into the background. Or they are captivated by novelty and find differences interesting or appealing. If you're in the rapprochement stage of a romantic relationship, you're probably in a trance state. As the French proverb says: “Every beginning is beautiful.” When you're too eager for something to work out in a relationship, you don't want to openly discuss differences, looking the other person straight in the eye, or even have a good fight if necessary. Instead, you ride the relationship like a tandem that will capsize unless there is complete agreement and unity between the cyclists. The desire for unity is very strong, and if you are in its power, you will suppress your voice in order to maintain a positive image of your partner and this relationship.
The beginning of an intimate relationship entails a pseudo-harmonious unity. However, I recommend that you try to resist this craving and not lose sobriety of thought and clarity of vision. Talk and listen as much as possible before committing your emotional and financial future to this person. We do not choose our children, parents or relatives, but we can choose a partner, preferably after a period of courtship (to use an old-fashioned word), which allows us to expand and deepen the dialogue.
But intimacy should not be confused with sameness, and relationships thrive best when we embrace laudable or uncomfortable differences with curiosity and respect.
Intimacy usually develops between people who share deeply held beliefs and core values. But intimacy should not be confused with sameness, and relationships thrive best when we embrace laudable or uncomfortable differences with curiosity and respect. Discussing and accepting differences is ideal training for speaking and listening skills. Relationships built on silence, denial or suppression of differences do not have a strong foundation. Proximity is not helped by taking opposing positions regarding differences and creating two hostile camps. Working on relationships, of course, requires good humor, kindness, tolerance of differences, and a willingness to give and take.
Marriage or cohabitation often solves the problem of the courtship phase (when we forgive, overlook, or romanticize differences between ourselves). In the next stage of the relationship, two people angrily take opposing positions regarding differences that were previously overlooked or considered attractive. They resist, unwilling to honestly consider their partner's point of view and show respect for his request to change behavior, confusing angry picks with frankness and an authentic voice.
Even if you've been in a relationship for four—or forty-four—years, you still face the problem of differences. Long-term relationships suffer when we don't show tolerance, humor, and respect. It does not benefit them either when we show such tolerance that we expect too little from a loved one or agree to unfair and humiliating demands that destroy our own self. Developing relationships in couples requires one thing above all. We must stop focusing on how impossible our partner is and focus relentlessly on the clarity of our own voice: on the conversations we have or choose not to have, on the positions we take or don't take, on the moments where we stand firm and where we surrender.
Men are a mirror
The principle of mirroring is not new, but if you've never wondered why some people treat you the way they do, then it's time to do so. Unless, of course, you plan to spend your life on a desert island.
So, how it works: you were born with a certain temperament, which was layered with social upbringing. As a result, you have developed your own perception of yourself. Everything you feel about yourself, you project into the world . Accordingly, the world sees you as you demonstrate yourself to it.
Also, if you do not respect yourself and value yourself low, then the man treats you accordingly, subconsciously believing that this is exactly what you need. Yes, that's exactly what happens. Therefore, the only way to change the attitude of the stronger sex for the better is to change yourself . Do you want to be cared for, loved, respected and appreciated? So, take care, love and value yourself.
There will be no miracles, there will be hard work ahead, because the most difficult thing about this is that you are accustomed to your behavior and it is difficult for you to adequately assess your manners, gestures, where you are obsequious, helpful, overly soft or aggressive. But this is only at first. Everything is quite realistic and achievable.
"My girl!"
“During the course, I had an affair with a plastic surgeon. He went through a difficult divorce. His ex-wife forbade him to communicate with his son. After the divorce, he lived with his mother.
We dated for two months, I soared on the wings of love, it seemed to me that I had met my person and did not notice anything. But sex happened - and he left, saying that he was not ready for a serious relationship. I was crushed and couldn’t recover for a long time.
I began to remember my past relationships with ex-men, and noticed that they all had one characteristic feature: the men treated me as “a woman who could be used.” I adjusted to them, tried to please them, and completely forgot about myself. If only he didn't quit. And the result is disrespect on their part.
I started praising myself, looking for the good in myself.
I always wanted a man to tell me “my girl” - and I never heard it. And then I realized: what’s stopping me from saying these words to myself?.. When I first said this to myself, looking in the mirror, I cried. What can I expect from a man if I can’t say a few kind words to myself? And I felt better.
After such “therapy” my ex-man invited me to dinner. We had dinner at an expensive restaurant (when we were in a relationship - he never invited us to such places). While I was going to meet him, I saw beautiful roses in the window - and I really wanted flowers... Imagine my surprise when he came to the meeting with a large bouquet of roses! (During the entire period of our relationship, he did not give me a single flower). All evening he tried to feed me, offering this and that. I tried my best to please.
This was the best meeting in the entire period of our acquaintance! And I realized: people feel how you treat yourself, and they transmit this attitude to us
.
My friend and I were walking in the park, and I saw a glass of strawberries in the hands of one person. I really wanted strawberries! We went looking for a place that sold it, but couldn't find it. We sat down on the bench. And at that moment, a man passing by with his girlfriend and holding two glasses of strawberries in his hand offered me one glass.
The friend laughed and said: “Imagine, my friend wanted strawberries 15 minutes ago - and then you appear!” He said that thoughts are material and dreams come true :)).”
Julia.
Of course, at first glance it may seem: “What’s so complicated? I started calling myself affectionately, and the world immediately changed.”
But in reality, everything is not so simple. On the course “DAO: The Way of a Woman”
we work with self-love globally. We learn to criticize ourselves correctly, including LOGIC and common sense, and not like ordinary people - always scolding and being offended by ourselves.
We learn to understand our Feelings and Desires. After all, “Love for Yourself” is an ATTENTIVE attitude towards yourself.
But, unfortunately, only a few know how to be attentive to themselves. Not everyone knows how to understand what they want from this life, what they REALLY want to do, how to live, what kind of relationships to build. We live the way we are used to. The way we were raised. Just as they once considered necessary.
But sit down and think about whether you really like doing what you do, resting the way you rest, treating yourself the way you treat yourself...
Any adult, self-respecting woman with intelligence should go to the mirror and smile at herself. Be happy with yourself. Love yourself. Only this can be called the NORM. Any other attitude towards yourself is a disease!
And it doesn’t lead to anything good in life.
A disregard for oneself gives rise to countless problems. Health problems, apathy, inability to succeed in life.
But the hardest thing that comes from not loving yourself is problems in relationships with other people. After all, without paying attention to ourselves, we become just as inattentive to the people around us.
And as a result, we get their inattentive attitude towards us.
If a man doesn’t give you flowers, it means you don’t give them to yourself, in your soul, treating yourself with love and understanding. If a man is inattentive to you, it means you are inattentive to yourself!
How to become confident
Start by accepting your current state of affairs and setting a goal to change . Imagine exactly what you want to be. You can take an example to follow.
Often, when girls are asked if they love themselves, they usually answer automatically that, of course, they do. Because our cunning consciousness rejects any unpleasant information . But if you listen to yourself, you can hear a tiny voice somewhere in the distance, in the background of your thoughts, how you really feel about yourself.
This voice is very important to hear, because it is the one that tells you the truth . Healing truth that will help you change. Imagine exactly what you want to be and set a goal to achieve this result.
I know he can get better!
"How so?!" - Many women are indignantly surprised. After all, they did all this not for themselves, but for their loved one.
Is this really so? In most cases, women do not ask a man at all what he thinks on this issue. Instead, women arrogate to themselves the right to unilaterally decide what to do and how it will be better. Professional family psychologists have long established the fact that women, when trying to change the character and behavior of a man, almost always act from the position of their own interests. Before you try to change anything in your spouse, ask yourself a couple of questions and answer them honestly.
1. Am I angry with him just because of this shortcoming or is the problem deeper and more serious?
2. If nothing changes in his behavior, will I treat him differently?
3. Did my husband have this flaw before he met me or did it appear after the wedding ceremony?
By answering these questions, you will be able to understand yourself, the main reason for your dissatisfaction. Maybe you just miss him being around, it’s the lack of attention on his part that irritates you, and not his going out with friends to the garage or fishing?
If you forgot when you spent time alone, read our article “A husband doesn’t pay attention, or How to regain a man’s interest” >>>
Ask yourself why he feels so good with them? And why doesn’t he like your get-togethers with your friends so much? Or maybe you pay more affection and attention to them, and not to your own spouse? Remember: suddenly you humiliatingly compared him with a neighbor or father, or maybe you just forgot to thank him. And now he doesn’t want to do his manly chores around the house.
Recommendations from our article “How to restore a relationship with your husband” will help you establish contact and become closer and dearer again >>>
The desire for independence
And let those around you not yet suspect that you have begun to change and may, out of habit, alienate something. But you know that deep within you, massive changes have begun and you are on the path to success.
Don't seek approval. As soon as you catch yourself thinking that someone’s opinion is important to you, immediately and abruptly stop yourself. Switch your attention to something else. But take compliments with gratitude and a sense of pride in yourself! Under no circumstances say anything refuting. You deserve them!
What does an ideal family look like?
In an ideal family, everyone is encouraged to develop a real, authentic voice, while fostering a sense of unity and belonging to a single whole (“we”) and respect for the uniqueness and independence of each (“I”).
Parents calmly set rules for the child to follow, but do not try to regulate his emotions or thoughts. In this way, they create a safe space where children can speak freely and be themselves. Family members feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings honestly, even on the most sensitive topics, without worrying about differences of opinion. Information is shared freely, different points of view are respected, and difficult issues are discussed openly. The emotional atmosphere of family life is warm and relaxed, so children do not hesitate to ask direct questions about everything that concerns them. Children trust that their parents will tell them the truth about important issues or, if necessary, explain that some things are private and not talked about. Children are perceived objectively as they are, and not through the distorting prism of how the parent wants or fears them to be or how he needs them.
Parents are closely connected to each other and to their own families of origin, and together they form a vibrant, equal partnership in which conflict can be approached and resolved in innovative ways. Both parents can express their thoughts and resolve differences. Every now and then there's a big fight (only dysfunctional parents never fight), but then the adults get their emotions under control and offer sincere apologies when appropriate. No family member has to deny or suppress an important aspect of their personality, and others accept and hear it. Since I am describing a hypothetical ideal here, why not add that the Universe will surely smile on such a family and bless it with great luck? Nothing truly bad ever happens to anyone. Or, if something unpleasant happens, family members come together, calmly assess the facts, and then mobilize a variety of resources both within and outside the family and cope with the crisis, turning it into an experience of positive growth.
I tend to agree with the writer Mary Carr, who defined a dysfunctional family as “any family with more than one person.”
You will be relieved to know that such an ideal family does not exist. In my many years of clinical practice, I have not met families that would even approximately correspond to this. Of course, I don’t know every family in the world. But I know that the family is a sensitive system, responding to predictable stresses of the life cycle (for example, having and raising children) and to unexpected ones (for example, chronic illness, the untimely death of loved ones, or unemployment). In addition, many painful things happen in our family long before we are born, and when problems remain unresolved in one generation, they are often reproduced in the next. Finally, the atmosphere of family life is seriously influenced by such powerful factors as racism, poverty, homophobia and gender inequality.
You may be feeling a little depressed right now because on a health scale of 10, the family you grew up in deserves only a 2-3 at best. Perhaps you had a little freedom of expression. Well, don't be sad! You will probably feel better if you remember that other families that you are absolutely sure deserve a 9 or 10 only look much better on the outside. I tend to agree with writer Mary Carr, who defined a dysfunctional family as “any family with more than one person.” It's all about a greater or lesser degree, although, admittedly, this difference can become fundamental.
I am the most charming and attractive
Next action:
- Focus on your attractiveness: external and internal. Realize your individuality. Previously, you pushed it as far as possible, now emphasize it. Take care of yourself, take care of and cherish your body, take care of your health. Let the world see you! He will see your style, your way of thinking, your views.
Men do not love a pretty picture, but a real, sensual, unique woman. Why is Monica Bellucci so popular? Her beauty may not be to everyone’s taste, but in her gaze, manners, poses, movements, everything shows: I am a woman and I am unique.
- Develop yourself, expand your horizons , become interested in different topics and learn to speak on these topics. Form your own point of view on everything. They love not powerful women or gray mice, but smart women who subtly understand reality. Read about what to do if your relationship is at an impasse.
- Increase your self-esteem. Make a list of your achievements, remember how well you studied at university or how you received a promotion at work, how you passed a difficult project or gave a brilliant presentation. And the most important thing is how hard you work on yourself, because this will be the most serious achievement for you.
When one doesn't hear the other
One greeting card says: “If a man is alone in the forest and there is not a single woman around to criticize him, is he still a fool or not?” This is a paraphrase of a popular Zen Buddhist koan about whether a tree falling in the forest makes noise if there is no one to hear it.
Men laugh when I show this card in lectures, and many comment on how accurately this phrase reflects their personal experience. However, women tend to remain silent or deny it. “If these poor boys feel like they are being bullied,” one said, “why don’t they watch their behavior?” She went on to describe how angry she gets when her well-founded complaint is ignored by the very person who supposedly should be her loyal supporter and most reliable support. “Yes, I seem like a boring bitch to myself,” she admitted, “but if he wants me to stop nagging him, he needs to pay attention to my request.” It's easy to understand both points of view. It really hurts us when we become the target of constant criticism, but we experience no less pain when our partner does not hear our words and ignores justified complaints.
It's easy for a couple to reach an impasse if something has happened to them with intimacy, communication and mutual support. When we are angry, we ourselves find it difficult to take new positive steps to speak differently. We are sure that the solution is for the partner to change. She is sure that the only way to improve the situation in the marriage is for him to become more responsible and pay more attention to the children. He insists that she become less critical and controlling and more appreciative of everything he does for the family. In this case, nothing will change until one of the partners makes an effort and calms down, or, better yet, makes the atmosphere warmer.
Useful tips
Another important rule:
- Create helpful boundaries. These are your internal guards who do not allow intruders to enter your home, your inner world. You yourself control who to offer slippers to and whose dirty boots should not be there. Determine what is allowed to be done to you and what is not. If you allow rudeness, aggression and disrespect, then get ready for the world to obligingly provide you with plenty of it.
- Find support . And it’s better not from those you know, since they and you have already developed certain stereotypes and patterns of perception. Go to courses, trainings, meetings of people who have the same goal as you. Do not spare money, it will bring colossal energy. Learn to get along with your colleagues at work.
- Start planning your time . Feel the value of your time. Don't agree to someone's requests or meetings if you don't like them in some way or interfere with your plans. You need to learn to refuse, even if it is difficult to do.
Well, do you feel your wings spreading inside? Catch this feeling and hold on to it when you communicate with someone, in any situation!
As my mentor said: if you blurt out, then blurt out confidently!
Exercise No. 1.
A prerequisite for performing this exercise: it must be performed at once and quickly (in 10-20 minutes). If you do not have enough time at the moment, it is best to postpone further reading until the exercise can be completed.
You will need a piece of paper and a pen. Divide the sheet into three wide columns vertically. In the first column, write at least 10 names of historical figures, cartoon characters, films or books. These may be real people or fictitious, but you have to like them.
After that, opposite each name in the second column, write 2-3 qualities that attract and delight you in this person.
Now look at what personal qualities are repeated in these people, and write them down in the third column in descending order of frequency. For example, the quality of “kindness” is inherent in three individuals, the quality of “charisma” is inherent in five, but “courage” was found only once. So you need to write down in a column in descending order: charisma, kindness, courage.
Now carefully re-read everything you wrote. What do you see? Yes, yourself, no matter how unexpected it may sound. You would not choose those qualities that are not characteristic of you and do not sound in unison with your nature and your soul, because it is known that like (you) is drawn to like (the chosen hero). In fact, this piece of paper is a kind of “mirror” of your nature. Now, whenever you doubt yourself or feel sad again, with or without reason, just look in this “mirror”.
Why be kind
Why should we behave kindly if our partner behaves badly? Such advice may seem inappropriate to the task of saying what is on your heart, sharing your innermost thoughts, clarifying differences and formulating the limit of what is permitted. In fact, kindness and generosity of spirit are the foundation for all of this.
The perceived responsibility to protect and please others limits our creativity, imagination, and energy, keeping us silent about legitimate outrage and protest, and keeping us at home. In order to be nice, we sometimes strive to remain calm, sameness, and security rather than to be sincere, honest, and courageous. We learn to balance, protect, and stabilize rocking boats when we would rather use our voices to create waves. We can tolerate rude, disrespectful behavior in a partner. This is not what I mean by trying to be nice.
But kindness, the ability to find the right moment and tact are not antonyms of honesty. Rather, they are what make honesty possible with the most difficult people and in the most difficult conditions. It's no good if you talk to people in a way that makes it impossible for them to hear you or appreciate the sincerity of your position.
The book is provided by Alpina Publisher
