How to stop feeling sorry for yourself - reasons for feeling pity, what it means

There are sad periods in every person's life when a lot of things don't go well and it seems like the whole world is against it. Of course, you will feel sorry for yourself. At the same time, the person does not think at all that pity can be dangerous due to its consequences.

Often people begin to feel sorry for themselves without thinking about the consequences

What is self-pity

Psychologists say that it is difficult to find a person who is completely satisfied with his position in life. Some people want to take a higher place on the career ladder, some dream of a happy family life, others want to improve their health or earn more money.

Such dissatisfaction can become a source of self-pity. After all, it seems that people who have what you need received it undeservedly: help from parents, high-ranking relatives, simple luck... Why do some have everything, while others have nothing?

Naturally, I want to feel sorry for myself...

Pity appears at the moment when a person decides that he does not have what he deserves. Of course, in some cases this feeling is quite understandable and logical. A serious illness can be taken as an example: how not to feel sorry for yourself when you have to go through a difficult treatment process? But, as the famous proverb says, the pearls are too small for some, and the soup is thin for others. What to do if self-pity arises constantly, although it would seem that everything in life is going well? Let's try to understand this issue.

How to recognize self-pity

Almost none of the so-called victims admit that through pity they are not only trying to arrange their lives, but also manipulating others for their own convenience. But satisfaction from life does not increase, and problems still do not want to be solved by themselves. Why not motivation for your own self-development? But first you need to determine who lives inside, a child who just wants to return to childhood or a monster who feeds on the weakness of the soul.

Typically, a victim of self-pity meets the following characteristics:

  • eternal whining and complaints about life, as well as the injustice of the world;
  • the belief that “I don’t deserve this”, “why me”, “everything is so bad and I shouldn’t expect anything better”;
  • there should always be people nearby who act as a lightning rod and vest;
  • all cases of life are discussed in detail, the slightest misunderstandings or failures are embellished and exaggerated;
  • Only my problems are important, we listen only to me, because I am a victim;
  • a huge relief only after the phrase: “Poor thing, how hard it is for you, I will help you.”

This is a classic monster, born in early childhood and nurtured into adulthood. This type of victim, caused by pity, will not be able to leave on his own without outside help, because the person uses his own pity as a lever of influence on others and gets everything he needs. And his problems are solved, and the pleasure of his sacrifice is present.

But it is still possible to get rid of self-pity in smaller forms on your own. So, if a person experiences:

  • emptiness within oneself;
  • the desire to hide behind a strong male shoulder, which for some reason is not nearby;
  • prostration;
  • unwillingness to do anything;
  • tearfulness.

The problem can be solved, especially by realizing how self-pity is harmful and destructive.

Pity that hinders growth

The source of self-pity is comparison with other people.

In some cases, such a comparison can turn into envy , in others it makes you constantly feel sorry for yourself, feeling helpless and unhappy .

Is it good or bad? Any psychologist will tell you that emotion cannot be assessed on such a primitive scale.

On the one hand, enduring self-pity takes a lot of strength and makes you see the world in a black light. A person who loves to feel sorry for himself begins to feel that he is powerless to change anything, since he was born so... Deserving of pity, that is, pathetic.

Once convinced of his own powerlessness, a person can give up trying to change his life for the better. And new and new reasons for self-pity become excuses for refusing to become stronger, richer, happier.

Positive aspects of self-pity

However, self-pity also has a positive aspect. It can allow you to find your true values. How?

To use self-pity for the benefit of your personality, you should understand in what situations you feel this feeling.

  • Maybe when someone limits your freedom, for example, by forcing you to do seemingly unnecessary things?
  • Or do you feel a twinge of self-pity every time your spouse says a harsh word to you or behaves differently than you would like?

Observe your emotions: you will notice that pity is “triggered” by certain situations.

This means that this feeling is a kind of beacon that signals that there is a need for change in a certain area of ​​life!

Think about what you would like and in what situation you would feel completely satisfied and satisfied. And start changing your life for the better! For example, talk to your spouse about how you don’t like his behavior, try to find a new job, etc.

Constant self-pity

Sometimes self-pity turns into a real emotional swamp. A person simply does not find the time and energy for other feelings: from morning to evening he feels helpless, unhappy, as if trying to pat himself on the head and console him.

This condition is quite rare and may indicate quite serious disorders of the affective sphere.

  • Often, heightened self-pity indicates the presence of a depressive personality disorder that requires long-term treatment.
  • Self-pity often arises after a person has suffered a severe traumatic situation.

In this case, negative experiences are considered the norm, although you should not refuse to work with a psychologist either. Be that as it may, if it is self-pity that comes to the fore in personal experiences, it is worth seeking the help of specialists.

Maxim Gorky once said that “pity humiliates a person,” but this is about ineffective pity, when there is no help and sympathy, but only the mournful faces of neighbors and awkward silence.

Although this option suits some...


The problems that arise in a person at the physiological and psychological level due to self-pity are serious, but they can be discarded if you imagine what a person with similar symptoms loses and what he can ultimately gain after a successful battle for his own ability to solve his problems on one's own.

Thus, control over pity will provide:

  • social circle with interesting people;
  • information about the world, given that now it will be possible to listen to others;
  • professional self-realization, which will no longer be hampered by contrived helplessness;
  • financial well-being, through which a number of desires can be fulfilled;
  • real love and friendship based on common interests, and not on unhealthy one-sided needs;
  • independence, which does not tolerate interference in personal affairs and presupposes freedom.

How tempting is it to become a person free from prejudice, the opinions of other people and the opportunity to achieve your goals? Is the degree of satisfaction from obtaining a result earned on your own comparable to forced help, which does not always guarantee the expected result?

Demonstrative pity

There are people who belong to the so-called hysterical accentuators. For them, demonstrative self-pity and listing the troubles and hardships they have experienced are nothing more than a way to attract attention to themselves.

For a hysterical person, attention is like air and they easily begin to put pressure on pity and, to some extent, manipulate you and your feelings.

If there are such people in your close circle, try not to give them the opportunity to “feed” on your emotions. As a rule, the emotions of a hysteroid are demonstrative and superficial, and this is quite noticeable from the outside. For example, they can quite easily make themselves cry. And how quickly this whole flurry of emotions passes, like a battery going off.

It is very simple to understand that we are talking about demonstrative pity. A person who seeks attention complains almost constantly, while he rarely looks unhappy and quickly stops “suffering” if those around him do not give him emotional nourishment.

Should I get rid of the feeling of pity?

The feeling of pity has many faces, so you need to treat it consciously, differentiating when and who you should feel sorry for. It is impossible to get rid of it because it is of biological origin. But it is quite possible to replace it with such a feeling as love, which, as we know, is not always merciful and does not tolerate attachments. Instead of showing pity, you can help solve the problem constructively. The willingness to selflessly help one's neighbor is associated with the “adult-adult” positions, while pride, anger, and hatred disguised as pity correspond to the “child-child” relationship. True feelings of pity-understanding, pity-acceptance evoke in a person love for himself and for the world and allow him, like a hunted animal, to stop in time to understand the true motives of selfish aspirations.

Author Yulia Savelyeva


How to stop feeling sorry for yourself

Sometimes it is useful to feel sorry for yourself: it helps to restore strength and gives you the opportunity to think about what you would like your life to be like. However, if you notice that you spend too much time and energy on self-pity, use the following tips:

  • - during an “attack”, think about actions that can solve the situation without delving into emotions;
  • - write yourself a letter expressing all possible sympathy. Imagine that many years have passed and you have already dealt with a difficult situation that provokes self-pity. Write a letter from the perspective of this person, that is, yourself in the future;
  • - bring the situation to the point of absurdity. Try to feel as unhappy as possible, curl up into a ball, start whining and wringing your hands, like Pierrot from the fairy tale “The Golden Key.” Of course, you should only do this if no one can see you. Bringing emotions to the point of absurdity and expressing them on a bodily level will help you cope with your feelings;
  • - if pity is caused by a specific event, try to work with a psychologist. It will help you understand yourself and cope with psychological trauma.

Finally, don't sit idle. Self-pity often occurs in people who do not know what to do with themselves. Find a hobby, take on a part-time job, communicate more with friends: you simply won’t have time to feel unhappy.

So you can stop feeling sorry for yourself, you just have to figure out where self-pity came from and whether it can contribute to growth and development, or is it purely useless negativity that pulls you into an emotional swamp...

How bad is this feeling?

How to stop being a victim in life - how to get out of this role

Psychologists warn that feelings of pity can negatively affect a person’s physical and mental state. It often leads to depression, stress, and poor health. Then the consequences will be the most negative; constant self-pity can cause:

  • disruptions in blood pressure, it can increase or decrease, depending on the individual characteristics of the individual;
  • cardiac arrhythmia, attacks of rapid heartbeat;
  • anxiety and fear, which lead to emotional stress;
  • pessimistic attitude in life with loss of joy from many events;
  • stopping communication with family and friends.

Important! The attitude of an eternally whining person can lead to the fact that even expected joyful events: holidays, vacations, meetings with friends, trips, will cause him fears and expectations of bad things. The worst consequences in the form of acquiring diseases can await a whiner if he does not stop crying. That’s why you can’t feel sorry for yourself all the time; you need to turn the situation around with an effort of will.

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