No longer a victim - how to stop being a convenient person for an abuser? General scheme.

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How to stop being a convenient object for use by an abuser and become an independent and self-sufficient person with good self-awareness?

It is well known that there can be more than one abusive relationship. You can join them endlessly. Moreover, you can suffer not only from your partner, but also from your boss, your girlfriends and even random people who want to assert themselves at your expense.

How to stop this? How to stop being a convenient person for the abusive manipulations of toxic partners? Sometimes the problem can be quite easily solved. But not always. Very often there is a lot of work to be done to become an inconvenient person for the abuser. This way, when abusers simply are not interested in you. And you won't be interested in them.

We work approximately according to this scheme with victims of abusive relationships. These are the most common blocks for understanding what needs to be done. Obviously, if you have enough desire, you can do some things yourself.

This scheme works for a situation when you are not in an abusive relationship, when you realized that you no longer want to see abuse in your life and decide to start changing.

You need to understand well that knowing that there are abusers and that you need to avoid them is absolutely not enough to avoid becoming their victim. In most cases, you meet for a reason. But you can't do anything about an abuser. But with myself – it’s fine.

Take the TEST “Am I a convenient victim for an abuser?”

Finding and understanding the underlying dysfunctional foundations

The foundations for sacrifice are usually laid in childhood, in the parental family, or through people replacing them. More often than not, this is why abusers and their victims get along so easily.

You need to find dysfunctional patterns of parental family that could turn your adult life almost into hell and try to change them.

What kind of models could these be? This could include abandoning a child, forbidding negative feelings, high expectations, conflicting demands, physical abuse, and many others.

Here work can be done on toxic shame and guilt - this is something that exists in almost every unhealthy family. They may turn out to be the basis of the victim's entire personality, and without processing them, any forward progress may be temporary and disappointing.

These feelings are not the only ones that need to be “experienced.” For example, it is very important to deal with anger. Anger is a defense and its reasonable use can protect us from abusers and other problems. For victims, anger is very often hidden somewhere and not used.

Boredom and how to deal with it

Recently, one correspondent complained that her husband was a terrible bore, and she had no idea how to deal with it. Indeed, many people suffer from this quality. So who is a bore, how to deal with the bore in yourself and not become a victim of a bore interlocutor?

The bore is:

• A boring, always boring person;
• An uninteresting person fixated on something;
• A scrupulous person who requires a lot of explanations and follows instructions quite strictly. Almost always incapable of original thoughts, therefore he is wary and distrustful of their existence in general. He does not have a reputation as a good conversationalist, but he is certainly a good performer;
• A person who, when asked “how are you?” begins to tell how he is doing;
• The one to whom it is easier to surrender than to explain that you don’t want...

The list can go on. But you yourself know how sometimes it is difficult to avoid long, boring and boring explanations, for example, from senior respected people, teachers, friends, colleagues... And the topic of the conversation may seem interesting and necessary, but you want to fall asleep and the conversation becomes like a chore.

The question of boringness and the struggle with it in myself arose when I began working as a teacher at school. In some lessons, I began to catch myself seeing the children getting bored and falling asleep. Then I began to remember what my teachers and lecturers were like. Some taught completely uninteresting and boring subjects, but I really wanted to listen to them. And others talked about interesting and fascinating things in a boring and boring way. I began to analyze and think about how to make lessons so that children would want to come to me and talk to me. I won’t describe all the technologies now, but I can say that it was not easy. But I still discovered some patterns for myself. I will share these findings with you:

1. Long monotonous speeches are a recipe for hatred on the part of your interlocutor. Especially if you have to tell and explain something. Correct, literate literary speech is wonderful, but sometimes, you should still use colloquial words, and not all the time, but emphasizing that this is not illiteracy, but a way to diversify speech, make it more lively and closer to the interlocutor. Here, of course, you should also take into account who your listener is (age, gender, status, etc.).
2. Express your attitude to what you are telling. Your indifference and boredom will instantly be conveyed to the audience. Try to give interesting life and better funny examples, this will attract the attention of the public. A couple of jokes on the topic never hurt anyone.
3. Never complain about life and circumstances, they will start treating you like a loser. This can sometimes be done in a conversation with friends, but always with irony and good humor. Leave your bad mood, grievances and gloomy appearance at home. No matter how difficult it is to smile and no matter what problems torment you, remember that these are only your personal problems and your personal bad mood, never share it with others. The temptation to cry is always very strong - fight it and make it a habit to never complain. Remember that every person has many problems that he does not talk about. Yours, in addition, is of no use to him.
4. Do not fall for television “horror stories” about the end of the world, diseases, poor quality food, etc. This is usually not true, or half true. Journalists make money this way. If, when you come to work, you start telling with horror in your eyes what they put in the sausage and start wailing “What is this being done! You’ve completely lost your conscience!..”, then you’ll be in a bad mood for the whole day. It is necessary to draw conclusions from the information received, but not in the direction of a bad mood, but in the direction of giving up the aforementioned sausage.
5. Don't act as if the burden of your problems is much greater than that of others. Even if you don’t tell others about them, but walk around all day taciturn and frowning, then you will still be “written down” as a bore, it’s difficult and unpleasant to communicate with you, people will stop doing it. Smile more often when you talk to people (remember to do this when talking on the phone!).

There are different types of bores:

1. A loser who looks for the reasons for his failures in life circumstances and other people (state system, officials, dishonest people, etc.). As a rule, this person presents himself as a victim, he is always deceived, he is not hired, he comes across bad doctors, etc.
2. A person who really likes to talk about “smart” topics and is constantly trying to prove to everyone around him that he is not a fool and knows a lot, understands everything, etc.
3. A man who never loved anyone, including himself. More often, such people envy everyone and rejoice only exclusively at the failures of others.
4. A person who tries to increase his importance in the eyes of others by talking about his problems.

You can also come up with different types of bores. But these are the main reasons for human boredom.

Now let's talk about how not to become the “favorite” of bores.

Previously, as a tactful, well-mannered and modest person, I always tried to listen to all sorts of complaints about life and give practical advice or just a pat on the head. Sometimes she even tried to go to great lengths to help with something. But over time, I realized one truth: the more you listen to a bore and sympathize with him, the more often and more he will complain to you! I, of course, do not advocate not helping people at all and sending them in plain text if I am not interested in their problems. But you need to make sure that the person no longer wants to whine around you and you remain a “good person” for him. It's difficult, but possible.

You can try the following methods, maybe one of them will work:

1. In response to his complaints, try complaining too. Many bores are not able to see other people's problems and do not consider them serious.
2. Try to turn the conversation from serious to frivolous, let your interlocutor understand that a good mood and self-confidence are already half the success.
3. Sometimes you can refer to urgent matters.
4. If you see that a person’s problem is only in his head and only a psychiatrist will help, do not be afraid to leave the conversation abruptly, but tactfully, without hurting the person’s feelings. Advise you to see a psychologist or other specialist.
5. If possible, put your interlocutor in a good mood, tell an anecdote or something funny, give a compliment, joke about co-workers or mutual friends, remember some interesting event that is common to you.
6. Sometimes you need to listen to a person and, if your status allows, point directly to the problem and the way to solve it (if this concerns human psychology). For example, say this: “Don’t you think that your tediousness and bad mood are preventing you from solving your problems? Try to change your attitude towards yourself and your problems.” Then discuss this, but do not let your interlocutor again “get on your ears” and develop the topic in the direction of the impossibility of changing yourself and your mood.
7. If you cannot give practical advice, then simply limit yourself to the words “Sorry, but I don’t understand anything about this” and move the conversation in a different direction.

First of all, eradicate boringness in yourself, and then it will be easier for you not to fall for the bait of another bore.

And finally, an anecdote on the topic. A man is riding on a bus, thinking: “The wife is a slut, the boss is a fool, the work is hell, life is rubbish...”. An angel stands behind him, writes it all down in a notebook and thinks: “What strange desires, and the strangest thing is that it’s the same thing every day.”

Smile more often and don't be boring.

Search for feelings

The heritage of the parental family may be such that feelings are not used much and this may be completely uncharted territory for the person. In other words, to the question “What do you feel?” It can be difficult and sometimes simply impossible to answer. At the same time, feelings are important for defining yourself, your needs, getting joy from life, communicating with people, self-presentation, a trusting relationship and in many other cases. So, if there are difficulties with them, you need to deal with that too.

What does a real bore look like?

Those who would like to see what such behavior looks like will be happy to watch a video about the most boring person in the Comedy Club - “In the office” (“Fired for being boring”). In this scene, Garik Kharlamov plays the head of the enterprise, and Demis Karibidis plays the most boring subordinate. The video will appeal to all humor lovers, and at the same time it will help to get an idea of ​​what a real whiner looks like. Sometimes you can find another name - “The most boring person in the enterprise.” After watching this video, recognizing a bore from your environment will not be difficult. However, even keeping in mind the described signs of tediousness, you can easily identify representatives of this category of the population.

For connection with reality

This point is closely related to feelings. More precisely, with real feelings. Real feelings allow us to feel the real ourselves. This means that in this way we can integrate into the real reality and not the fictional one. Without understanding feelings, we can live mechanically or invent a convenient world for ourselves where we feel comfortable. Therefore, understanding and expressing your true feelings is very important for integration into the real world. And this is an opportunity to feel comfortable in the present. It's not as simple as it might seem. Very often feelings are blocked, “powdered”, “washed out”. This is how we actually relate to what is happening in our lives, to other people, make our plans and feel comfortable. This is difficult to discard, because it may mean abandoning the previous model, in which we may not be comfortable, but familiar.

Disappointed Man Syndrome

Sometimes it seems that such behavior is simply a character trait, a specific personality trait. On the one hand, this cannot be denied, but on the other hand, tediousness is a symptom of an interesting psychological mechanism. It is a signal that a person has experienced a collapse of illusions in one or more areas of life and is now psychologically stuck with this regret. A boring person is, first of all, one who, for some reason, is disappointed in his life.

He is constantly in a state of deep disappointment and all he can do is constantly whine. After all, he can’t change anything. For those who are wondering: “What is a boring person?” — we can offer a rather original version of the explanation for this phenomenon. This is, first of all, someone who does not want to take responsibility for their condition and life in general. He is literally bursting with a feeling of disappointment in the whole world, and therefore he expresses his condition in whining and tediousness.

Working with self-esteem

Low self-esteem is something that can be both a family legacy and/or a consequence of a partnership with an abuser. In any case, this is one of the foundations of dysfunctional relationships in a broad sense - from family to work and friendships. This work in itself is quite complex and time-consuming, but it is partially solved in other sections of the program. For example, the belief “I am worthless” may initially be triggered by toxic shame. By getting rid of it, the foundation for a healthy personality is laid. Of course, this is only part of the problem and this is not always the case. It turns out that it is not enough for you to simply be, you exist only within the framework of the attitude of other people towards you, in fact, they control your stay on this earth. How do you know if your self-esteem probably needs a boost? Very often, a simple marker is when you take other people's opinions too personally and attribute them to your own account. For example, you transfer any criticism into the category of personal, instead of observing it as if “from the outside.”

How to stop being boring

No comments If your interlocutors look at their watches, cut you off mid-sentence, or make a face like Robert Downey in the famous meme picture, congratulations, you are a bore! No, if this happens from time to time, it's okay. But if you notice this constantly, you need to take action. By the way, why, in fact, take them? A bore is a master of nuance, a specialist in details, a professional in scrupulousness. What's bad about it? It is known that the devil is in the details; not paying attention to small moments, you risk blurring the overall idea. That's true, but that's only half the definition of a bore. People who are “lucky” to be so are often unable to see the huge forest behind the trees. But this would be their business, if not for the main characteristic of bores: they are not limited to silently swarming in the disgusting “detailed” pile, they definitely need to convey a mountain of information to others. This is the problem; bores are not favored because they are excessively intrusive. To the question “how are you?” they will gladly stun their interlocutor with an autobiographical three-volume book, and after listening to an anecdote, they will certainly engage in philosophical reasoning, instead of just laughing heartily.

Processing toxic beliefs

People who become victims of abusers have a variety of very toxic beliefs that do not allow them to change anything. For a comfortable existence, they must be transformed. Such beliefs include, for example: “I should not (should) make independent decisions - this is dangerous and punishable,” or “Other people are more important than me. Including their feelings, desires, hopes are more important,” “Nobody needs me.” In total, at least ten such beliefs can be identified.

Relationships and tediousness

Often whining and complaining are a unifying factor for people. On this they can live for many years in marriage or be friends for decades. But as soon as one of them stops being a bore, the relationship ends. This may seem strange, but many families exist precisely because the partners are real bores and complainers.

Setting boundaries in relationships

A clear understanding of your boundaries is necessary - this is your protection from toxic people. Moreover, we are talking not only about partners, but also about relatives, colleagues and just random passers-by. Boundaries are always needed, even if your partner is not an abuser. The fact is that the lack of boundaries in itself can, in some episodes, provoke abusive behavior, which in the future can become a toxic norm and intensify. In other words, a “non-abuser”, with connivance and lack of boundaries, can become one. Reasonable restrictions that are understandable to the partner and with which he agrees will help to avoid this and maintain a long-term relationship.

Main signs

Firstly, a boring person is someone who has serious communication problems. He does not feel (and in some cases does not want to understand this) that the interlocutor is bored and uninteresting, that he is annoying the interlocutor. It is worth noting that this concept is quite subjective. For example, for a young womanizer, a boring person is anyone who does not adhere to a riotous lifestyle, and in this regard he will consider 99% of the population as such. However, it is still possible to identify several criteria by which real bores differ from others:

• They try to find hidden logic in everything and everywhere.
• They are constantly fixated on some subject and can talk about it for hours.
• In his conversation, the bore gives an endless number of different details, always going into detail.
• He is also inclined to correct his interlocutor, and often does this in the presence of other people.
• He does not notice that his interlocutor has been feeling bored by the conversation for a long time and would like to stop it or at least somehow revive it.
• A bore has a passion for teaching others how they think they should live.
• Often uses the phrases “but here we have...”, “in my time...” in conversation.
• He loves to shock his unfortunate interlocutor with some foreign word or scientific term, and when he sees misunderstanding in his eyes, he launches into detailed explanations.
• Even during a romantic date, he will not hesitate to take out a adding machine and divide the amount between two people, accurate to the penny.
• If the interlocutor had the imprudence to joke or somehow show irony, the bore will still strive to convey the truth to him.
• A boring person tries to attach a negative connotation to any question, even the most innocent one. For example, in response to a compliment, “You look great today,” he or she will respond, “What, did I look terrible yesterday?”

Understanding what I want

Understanding what a person really wants, among other things, makes him resistant to the influence of other people. In other words, if you have no idea what you want, and what you really want, then there is always the risk of becoming simply a participant in other people’s events, in someone else’s life, in which you cannot always find satisfaction from your own life.

Therefore, a deep understanding of yourself and your true desires is the opportunity to build your own life and achieve your own goals at a pace that is convenient for you. Again, understanding your desires is not easy, but as awareness develops, it begins to manifest itself.

Causes of tediousness

We would love to tell you about the roots of the behavior of bores in the format of a scientific Talmud, but we are afraid that you will consider us bores too. Therefore, let’s run through the reasons for tediousness at a gallop. Fear of failure pushes some bores to delve into the essence of the task. Again, there is nothing wrong with this. But there, in the abyss of little things, they get stuck, no longer understanding it and not trying to climb higher in order to orient themselves in the situation. Pushed by the same fear of failure, they get bogged down deeper and deeper. This is how one-sided perfectionism turns out. Other bores try to assert themselves. The desire to dedicate everyone and everything to one’s own problems and achievements is nothing more than an attempt to prove to oneself and others one’s superiority over others. An attempt to dump a bunch of unnecessary professional details on your interlocutor’s head is a dubious path to gaining social weight, disgusting and shameful in the eyes of others. If you don't take action, you may find yourself rejected by old acquaintances, constantly wandering around in search of new free ears.

Who is a bore, what is bore?

A bore is a person who tends to dwell on one topic for a long time and stubbornly return to it in conversation, which greatly annoys his interlocutors. He can impose his position on others, argue, prove. Other people may find it unpleasant, quickly get tired of the interaction, and avoid contact. Boring individuals have pessimistic or realistic views of the world and prefer to focus on the negative aspects of any phenomenon. They are often overly self-confident, not inclined to compromise, and do not listen to other people's opinions.

More often than not, men suffer from tediousness. In the family, the bore husband assumes leadership in everything: manages the family budget, resolves issues of division of responsibilities, determines travel destinations, can choose types of family leisure or sections for children, without taking into account the wishes of other family members. In women, this more often manifests itself in excessive pickiness towards their spouse, a tendency to blame him for all troubles, and a desire to point out every shortcoming, even a minor offense.

Some experts argue that tediousness is not a character trait; they call it a psychological problem. Therefore, there are special treatment methods. Synonyms for tediousness are tediousness, importunity.

However, there are also advantages to this phenomenon: a boring person brings any started task to completion, does his job well, finds out any details that may affect the matter. He is a good performer, a goal-oriented, responsible employee, although sometimes he can be too slow.

Causes

The reasons may be an innate tendency or individual characteristics. Meticulous phlegmatic people and pessimistic melancholic people are more likely to be boring than choleric people or sanguine people. The combination of certain qualities often leads to the development of boringness.

Parenting can also be a factor. If the tendency to get hung up in children was raised by parents, or in adulthood a person independently instilled this quality in himself, boringness may develop.

Often bores are people who, with age, have developed some kind of complex, because of which thinking has become stereotyped, and there is a fear of creativity, risk and spontaneity.

Possible professional deformation. It often develops among scientists and teachers. Such people are used to teaching others, relying on logic when making decisions, and love to plan.