How to get rid of selfishness and whether it is necessary to do this are questions that concern many people. Healthy egoism is an absolute norm that helps a person strive for high goals, protect himself and personal freedom. Selfishness, which manifests itself in moderation, does not allow unscrupulous, dishonest people to use and exploit an individual. Problems begin when selfishness in oneself develops into an exaggerated form, which is an objective prerequisite for developing a plan on how to defeat it.
What is egoism and where does it come from?
The selfishness that you should get rid of concerns not just the ability to live and build relationships in accordance with your interests. It is associated with placing oneself above the family and the rest of the environment due to an inadequate perception of one’s own personality. This behavior does not manifest itself once, but constantly.
The appearance of a distorted perception of reality is associated with a false ego, which consists of selfish desires. When they begin to serve as the main (and sometimes the only) guideline for a person’s actions, the ability to consciously understand one’s feelings and views is impaired. Physical needs and material values come to the fore, for which they sacrifice everything else, including the opinions of others.
Terminology
Having examined the most popular dictionaries of our time, we can conclude what selfishness is. This is not a quality, but rather a life belief that positions itself as a person’s desire to benefit from everything by any means. A selfish person is focused exclusively on his feelings, needs and experiences. The inner ego of such people is insatiable and constantly demands more. It cannot be said about an egoist that he is modest or satisfied with life. He constantly wants to have what others have.
What makes the false ego exist?
In philosophical and psychological schools, there are several options for the mechanisms of the existence of the false ego, its predominance over the rest of the inner world. Some believe that it is inherent in the temporary mental shell of the soul, given to it at birth. In other sources, the false ego is considered part of the mind, in others it is isolated as a separate component of the psyche.
The lack of a consensus does not interfere with the definition of why it exists? All concepts agree on one thing: the false ego is based on identifying oneself with the material world and the needs of the physical body. When spiritual values and cultural guidelines lose their significance or, at a minimum, give way to them.
Don't give them the attention they crave.
This is a powerful strategy for dealing with extremely selfish people who do not strive to build equal relationships with others. The trick is to listen to the egoist without offering the level of attention they crave. When talking to them, your words should be bland, non-committal comments.
For example, instead of saying: “Poor thing, what did he do to you?!” - say: “Yes, this is life.” This will throw them off balance for a while. Remember, attention is your treasure. If you don't give it to them, they'll probably walk away.
Signs of selfishness
Before we begin to consider ways to get rid of negative egoism, it is important to study its main signs:
- Obsession with oneself. A person is sure that he is the center of the universe around which the rest of the world revolves. His thoughts are busy analyzing only his life situation and making plans to achieve the desired results. He is sure that spending time and energy on others is an inappropriate waste of resources. In conversations, he always draws attention to himself. Doesn't consider it important or necessary to listen to someone's opinion or stories in which he is not the main character.
- Unjustified self-confidence. Negative egoism is manifested by an individual’s unshakable belief in his own superiority. Wherever a person goes, he is confident that everywhere he is smarter, more beautiful and in all aspects better than others. An egoist, without a justified analysis of real strengths and qualities, assigns himself the place of leader. He is absolutely uninterested in the position of others.
- Rejection of criticism. Even comments confirmed by real facts, expressed in a correct form, cause acute rejection in a person. He will go into conflict without any problems, but will never admit his own mistake or lack of knowledge. But an egoist is always ready to talk about his achievements with pleasure, not forgetting to exaggerate them for greater effect.
“Before” and “after” when you decide to stop being selfish: is there a difference?
Another important analysis is a comparison before and after deprivation of selfishness.
| BEFORE | AFTER |
| A person who indulges his own “ego” does not enjoy the sympathy of others. Unkind glances, silent hostility, lack of support, irony - in fact, an egoist dooms himself to loneliness, which has never benefited anyone. True, awareness of this fact may come too late. | Having conquered the germs of selfishness in oneself, a person will immediately feel support - from loved ones, colleagues, and friends. The circle of people who sympathize with him will begin to expand. This is very important for the psychological background. A person must feel his unity with the world around him. |
| People who remember themselves first of all constantly forget about others. For example, about the birthdays (and other significant dates) of friends, colleagues, even relatives. After some time, many of the people surrounding the egoist will want to “forget” not only about his birthday, but also about him. He'll be surprised. | Having overcome manifestations of selfishness in himself, a person will receive great pleasure from the fact that the interests of others will enter the sphere of his attention: their joys, aspirations, goals. By helping others, we receive a powerful energy charge that greatly enhances our capabilities. The world is always on the side of those who love to give rather than receive. |
| Egoists are indifferent not only to the joys of the people around them, but also to their problems. They are able to close their eyes even to the grief of others. They will extend a helping hand only if it is beneficial to them. Words such as “humanity”, “nobility”, “selflessness” are an empty phrase for an egoist. | A person who is alien to selfishness never compares his actions with personal gain. Moreover, he is capable of committing actions that run counter to his interests and plans. Because his main goal is to be human in any situation. Everything else will come later. |
Why is egoism dangerous?
The main characteristics of this dangerous phenomenon help not only to determine its presence in a person. They can also tell you a lot about why selfishness is dangerous. Often its manifestations entail serious consequences not only for others, but also for the person himself, who blindly follows personal interests.
| A characteristic feature of selfishness | Consequences of showing signs of selfishness |
| Self-obsession | Communication abilities are impaired and concentration is reduced. A person pays less and less attention to his surroundings. Without stopping in time, he loses healthy connections with family members and friends, and is gradually rejected by his work colleagues. As a social being, a person left without outside support may fall into depression and inaction. Or, on the contrary, he can become aggressive towards others, crossing the boundaries of what is permitted. |
| Unjustified self-confidence | Empty boasting about your inflated achievements entails a loss of authority and respect from the general public. A big threat to normal life is the loss of the skill of soberly calculating one’s strength. As a result of this process, a person can let others down and go down significantly lower on the social ladder. The conflict between expectations and reality in his mind can provoke a nervous breakdown. |
| Rejection of any criticism | The lack of adequate perception of comments leads to a stop in personal and social development. By ignoring advice, a person is deprived of the opportunity to soberly assess his own qualities and find points for growth among them. Violent emotional reactions and conflict lead to the loss of the opportunity to use outside help to improve well-being. |
How to recognize the traits of an egoist in yourself
Before you learn how to stop being selfish, you need to figure out whether you really have such a character trait. To understand that you have a tendency towards selfish behavior, you need to answer test questions:
- Is it difficult for you to listen to others, to delve into their problems and concerns?
- Are you waiting for the first step from your partner after a quarrel?
- Do you place the victory of your own point of view higher than the result of a planned collective undertaking, an event in which other people participate with you?
- Do you envy the success of your friends and colleagues?
Having answered affirmatively to most of the questions, you can suspect the beginnings of selfishness. Pride, attachment and desire for material values are typical signs of a selfish nature. It is important for her to be significant and revered, to feel recognition and respect from others. This trait is present to one degree or another in the character of every person.
If a person refuses to go to a place where his health and life are in danger, this is reasonable selfishness. However, in some cases, manifestations of selfishness become large-scale and threatening. The fear of not getting what you want, not achieving your goal, causes the egoist individual to experience unpleasant sensations, nurtured by weakness, self-doubt, anger, and nervous tension.
A selfish person makes excessive demands on the people around him, who, in his opinion, should live in accordance with his ideals and ideas about the world. Psychologists say that a selfish behavior is characteristic of all people, even those who look unhappy, lack self-confidence, and feel insignificant and small. In this case we are talking about a perverted form of selfishness. Only a targeted fight against a deficiency and getting rid of a harmful character trait will bring relief and long-awaited peace of mind.
Fighting selfishness
How to get rid of selfishness once and for all? Achieving victory over this difficult and dangerous personality trait is possible only through conscious elaboration of your thinking. The habit of putting oneself above others, an inadequate reaction to the opinions of others - these and other manifestations of selfishness represent habitual patterns of behavior. Getting rid of them and building new healthy patterns is a process that includes three main stages:
- Identifying the cause.
- Accepting the fact that a problem exists.
- Choosing a method to overcome it.
Let's take a closer look at each of them.
Finding a solution
So, what do you need to do to tame your ego and how to stop being selfish?
- See your own manifestations of selfishness.
- Learn to be interested in other people.
- Be able to put someone else's interests above your own.
- Learn to be generous.
- Be responsive in relationships.
Seeing selfishness in yourself is not difficult - as soon as you say “I, me, mine” - this is selfishness. As soon as these words become more meaningful and frequently used, this is selfishness. Of course, we are not talking about colloquial language - you can quite easily use these words in speech. But when one of them becomes a habitual answer to any question from the outside, this is an alarm bell.
It is very easy to develop an interest in others - just try to take a closer look at the people you meet every day. Egoists often lack broad-mindedness, and they often think that the people around them (including family and loved ones) are not as interesting as themselves. This is a mistaken opinion; anyone can be interesting if you get to know them better.
The ability to extol other people's interests comes naturally over the years, but if suddenly for some reason it has passed you by, it makes sense to develop it in yourself. To do this, we learn unconditional service to others. This could be caring for younger or older relatives (of course, not for money or inheritance, but simply for training and personal development), or it could be volunteer work. Even if you set aside one day and completely devote it to your loved one, you will notice how something changes for the better in your relationship.
Generosity in our time is similar to luxury, but we are not necessarily talking about material generosity, although it is also necessary. Learn to be generous. Take part in charity fundraisers or marathons, try to give your attention to someone who needs it from the bottom of your heart. You will be surprised at how quickly you can transform yourself.
Relationships are the most important part of a person's life. How not to be selfish with your loved one? You need to learn to listen and be responsive to all the wishes and comments of your significant other. You can always cope with yourself. Just don’t think that simply agreeing on everything with your loved one will save you - it’s important to start reacting, taking some steps, acting, then you can cure yourself of indifference and selfish antics.
Finding the reason
Selfish behavior is born from thoughts, so the reason for its occurrence should be sought in them. Our thinking is a reflection of past life experiences. It is this that should be analyzed, finding situations or circumstances that served as good soil for cultivating excessive self-love.
Most often, the reason is associated with excess or lack of attention in childhood. Selfishness may also reflect a defensive reaction to negative experiences from the past. For example, failed relationships with the team at the first place of work. It is necessary to identify the existing sign of selfishness and think about what circumstances provoked its appearance. And then, get rid of it as quickly as possible.
Give yourself the attention you deserve
Selfish people are emotional vampires. They crave your attention but don't give it in return. To avoid being emotionally drained, give yourself the attention you gave to the emotional vampire. For example, if you have any discomfort in your appearance, go to a hairdresser or boutique. This is called "meeting your own needs" and is a great way to boost your self-esteem. Giving your attention to a self-centered person is not virtuous. He needs you only to recharge himself emotionally and feed off your energy.
Recognizing the problem
Having analyzed the personal history of the evolution of egoism, it is important to accept its existence. This should be done without judging what is happening. There is no need to panic over the consequences of actions already committed; you should not scold yourself or make excuses. It is important to constantly keep in mind your goal - to get rid of selfishness.
Everything that happened must be perceived in the past time, without abandoning it. To do this, try looking at yourself as a stranger. Remember that to start a successful fight, it is important to see the problem with the previously established reasons for its occurrence and stop denying it all.
Talk about topics that interest you
Bring into a conversation with a self-centered person everything that interests you: carpentry, cooking, politics. For example, if he says, “You won’t believe what my friend told me!” - answer something like: “By the way, do you know how much Bill Cosby is worth?” The more random topics you bring up that are not related to the selfish person's topics, the better.
No matter what, keep your attention on your real interests, and you will see how he will try to hide from you when he realizes that you are not interested in his self-centered stories.
Coping methods
There are two main scenarios for overcoming selfishness:
- Independent work with support from the environment.
- Struggle in sessions with a qualified psychologist.
When a person is unable to sincerely admit that there is a problem and conduct meaningful self-analysis, it is better to immediately contact a specialist. If you manage to gather your inner strength on your own and work through the first two stages, you can successfully get rid of egoism on your own. It will be useful to enlist the support of close people with whom you have established trusting relationships. An action plan can be drawn up based on the effective recommendations given below.
Actively look for friends
Give up the bad habit of allowing selfish people to get attached to you. Instead, you should look for new friends who will pay as much attention to you as you do to them. You can make connections by getting out of the house more often and meeting new people at charity events or volunteer centers.
Once you make new friends, you can share with them your experience with a selfish person who robbed you of your energy and emotions.
How to get rid of selfishness: practical advice
Awareness of the problem is already half the battle in the fight against selfishness. Further actions should be aimed at working with thinking. When thinking about how you can get rid of selfishness, pay attention to developing new habits and scenarios for reacting to what is happening. Let's take a closer look at the steps that will help redirect established patterns of negative behavior in a new direction and thereby defeat them.
Develop empathy
When observing and talking to others, switch from mentally assessing circumstances in your favor to feelings. Listen to your own desires. Resist impulses to subjugate the situation to yourself through emotional pressure on others. Instead, try to cultivate consideration, politeness, and empathy. When you are approached, listen patiently and understand the situation of the person addressed. So over time, you will learn to respect other people's opinions and develop the ability to empathize.
Monitor the influence of the false ego
Formulate a filter for your own desires. Which ones are really important and justified by the situation? And what did greed or pride whisper in the race to satisfy the selfish motives of the false ego? For example, it is quite appropriate to ask a colleague to help with a task because you do not have time to pick up your child from kindergarten when there is no one to do it for you. But if an insidious desire awakens in you to simply shift things in order to earn a bonus at someone else’s expense, this must be nipped in the bud.
Learn to live in the present moment
Selfishness is often fueled by anxiety about the future or the past. Therefore, it is extremely important to learn to live here and now. Accept that reality exists only in the present moment, and develop the habit of doing the best that you can in the present. The rest is an illusion, which is often built to please selfish desires. Stop them by choosing to enjoy the present.
Develop a habit of gratitude
One of the traps of selfishness is assigning all the credit to oneself to one’s loved one. We often take the actions of others for granted, putting only our own efforts on a pedestal. Concentrate on what comes to you from the outside and where exactly it comes from. For example, are you used to having a clean and tidy home? Fix the understanding that all this does not come out of thin air. Thank family members for putting things in order.
Can't adequately evaluate the efforts of others? Then give yourself the opportunity to feel everything inside and out. Do some spring cleaning or any other chore and thank yourself for your efforts. Now next time it will be easier for you to adequately evaluate the work of others.
Stop making excuses
In order to elevate himself above others, a person often seeks justifications and explanations for his own “exploits.” They also come to his aid in case of a violent reaction to criticism. Let go of your emotional needs to always be better. Recognize that you are an ordinary person. Stop building a defense of your superiority out of excuses, leave only dry facts and always convey them calmly.
Communicate more with animals
A little friend will teach you to understand how the environment sometimes needs our support. By communicating with animals and selflessly caring for them, we can feel the joy of actions that are not aimed at achieving selfish goals. Gradually, a feeling of compassion and an inner need to simply give away your warmth will develop. They will be an excellent counterbalance to the principle of acting only for one’s own pleasure, characteristic of egoism.
Realize the temporary nature of all material things
Accept the fact that everything material in this life is not eternal and reconsider your life goals. Cars break down, things wear out. Are you really ready to devote all your time and energy to satisfying selfish desires? Based on this, honestly report your actions.
Selfishness as a model of behavior: pulling the blanket over yourself
Selfishness as a model of behavior has very definite advantages, freeing a person from all sorts of “romances of doubt”: did I do a good thing? How do my actions look from the outside? Are those whose interests I simply pushed aside to please my beloved self?
Egoists are not prone to self-reflection, which distracts them from the shortest path to achieving their goals. They have disabled this option. But all this is for the time being. Because sooner or later, relationships built on selfishness will fail. But all this will happen later.
How to get rid of selfishness in relationships with people?
Remember that creating healthy relationships with others is only possible by building adequate self-esteem. It is important to develop an understanding of your own importance without exaggeration. To do this, it is necessary to reconsider the usual scenario of superiority over others. Communicate with others as equals, cultivating respect for their rights and opinions.
Self-development
For a greater understanding of the phenomenon of selfishness, it is recommended to read the following books:
⦁ Svetlana Baranova “Egoism as a destructive component of the human being.”
⦁ Radhanatha Swami “Journey Home. Autobiography of an American Yogi.
⦁ Amy Banks and Lee Hirschman “On the Same Wavelength.”
⦁ William Ury “Make an agreement with yourself... and other worthy opponents.”
⦁ Daniel Goleman “Emotional Intelligence.”
Getting rid of selfishness in close relationships
The question of how to get rid of selfishness in relationships with loved ones deserves special attention. Often, egoists have an unspoken rule that applies to their family members, their relatives and friends, that they a priori owe them something. Therefore, when communicating with them, negligence, raising the voice and demanding to meet illusory expectations are allowed.
Realize that close relationships primarily place more responsibilities on yourself. They should bring pleasure to both parties, and not be used to serve one person. Otherwise, you will turn into a parasite and ruin your relationships with dear people yourself.
Here it is also important to consciously give yourself and your partners the same rights. At the same time, paying a lot of attention to personal behavior. You should start by fixing and eliminating moments in which you allow yourself to demand more from a person, explaining this by your close relationship with him.
Psychoanalysis as an option for recovery
Deep psychoanalysis helps people who cannot change their own thinking. In most cases, these are people with mental disorders who deny the problem until the last moment. Egoists are very stubborn; they do not want to allow such a possibility (in front of the doctor or the people around them).
When a person hears the suggestion that she is self-obsessed, she does not show doubt, but a defensive reaction - aggression or anger. Contacting a psychoanalyst will allow you to explore a person, see how many unconscious attitudes she uses in everyday life and does not even realize it.
Developing Empathy
During psychoanalysis, it is useful for an egoist to develop new skills, including empathy. Empaths are people who subtly sense the world around them. These are sometimes weak and sincere people. They listen carefully to the interlocutor, imbued with his condition.
In psychology, such people are called mirror images: they receive an emotion, accept it, and give it back with greater force. For an egoist, learning such skills is not only useful, but also pleasant. By opening himself to the world and other people, he will gain a new unforgettable experience.
End the relationship
If, after all your efforts, you still cannot change a selfish person, you may be dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists are not only selfish and self-centered, they are generally incapable of feeling sympathy for others, but they can purposefully take advantage of you.
This is harder to deal with than the average selfish person. In this case, you can offer him to get qualified help. But if it doesn't work, cut all ties with him and end the relationship forever. Life is too short to put up with selfish people and toxic relationships that drain your energy and happiness.
