How to escape from an abuser. The only effective way

Abuser is such a beautiful word for a “man” who constantly insults, criticizes, manipulates and humiliates a woman.

Scientists have dispelled the myth that an abuser chooses a weak, driven and offended woman as his victim. On the contrary, he takes pleasure in breaking a strong and cheerful personality.

There are the following types of abuse: psychological, economic, sexual and physical.

Psychological abuser

He humiliates you as a person. Constantly shifts the blame onto you, makes himself a victim, manipulates.

Gaslighting is a type of psychological abuse

It is about making a fool out of a woman. This is when they claim that a woman perceives everything wrong, citing her PMS, fatigue or poor memory. This is when they say one thing, and then convince them that this did not happen, it was all heard, imagined.

The economic abuser is the king of finances in the family

Only he, the smart one, has the right to manage money. But in no case is his inexperienced wife, who doesn’t know much about money. You need to beg money from such a king even for hygiene products. Not to mention satisfying a woman’s other needs.

Sexual abuser manipulates sex and marital duty

I don’t understand at all what kind of sex you can expect from an insulted and humiliated woman. What's the catch?


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Is it possible to change an abuser?

It is difficult to leave an abuser, but it is almost impossible to correct an adult. Such a person does not change, and the only way to reduce psychological pressure is to change the behavior pattern. Changes are difficult for the victim, so the help of a psychologist will help the woman smooth out the situation and become bolder.

The aggressor is able to temporarily calm his woman down, feign reconciliation and make a lot of promises. A cunning person resorts to special manipulation that makes his victim feel guilty. The abuser may threaten the spouse with suicide or other actions aimed at causing harm to himself.

What is abuse and how does it happen?

In a fairly short period of time, this concept has become very widespread. In general, abuse is violence. Moreover, the violence is not only physical and sexual, but also emotional. And it can manifest itself in various kinds of relationships.

Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:

Manifestations of physical and sexual violence are, in principle, understandable. You can't hide it. Psychological abuse is much more difficult to recognize. Suppression, violence, criticism, mockery, torment, devaluation - it can take different, not always obvious forms. Therefore, it is more difficult for the victim to understand who he is dealing with.

Psychologist Yana Slyusareva

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Reasons for leaving an abuser

Before you leave your abuser and end the relationship, highlight the main reason why you want to do this. Psychologists name good reasons that exclude the chance of a healthy relationship:

  • physical violence;
  • mental problems.

A man who beats his wife and his children does not recognize the boundaries of his crimes. You need to put an end to it right now, otherwise in the future the aggressor will not calculate the strength in the fight and the consequences will be disastrous. Against the backdrop of moral pressure, women are diagnosed with nervous breakdowns, depression and other health problems.

Why women don't leave their abusers

In some countries, women only dream about how to get out of relationships with an abuser. Breaking a toxic relationship is very difficult, since the cultural norms and traditions of individual nations, as well as established stereotypes, make it impossible for the victim to escape. The woman’s relatives often take the side of the tyrant, which further aggravates the problem.

But the opposite situation occurs when girls do not take advantage of their chances to start a new life without an aggressor. There are the following reasons why they stay with the abuser:

  • fear of loneliness;
  • fear of physical harm;
  • guilt.

Stockholm syndrome characterizes a victim who returns to the tyrant and justifies his cruel actions. To avoid such a situation, psychologists advise taking a long break in order to learn to evaluate your spouse’s behavior sensibly. There are also stories where a wife left her abuser, but he pursues her.

The difficult period after separation also explains why the victim does not leave the abuser. If previously the tyrant engaged in assault, now there is a risk of serious injury or death at the hands of the aggressor. Before leaving an abuser with your children, find a safe place to live.

Question of finance

  • Open a new bank account in your name. Do not tie it to the phone number that is known to the tyrant. The email address must also be new. And it’s better to NEVER go there from home or from your regular phone.
  • Hide your new bank card better. As a rule, the tyrant will not even think of looking for it in his things. But if you are not sure, then a place under the insole of your regular shoes, a box with a board game that has not been used for a long time, will do, and it is best to hide the card at work (and also not in a place where a tyrant can easily break in and look).
  • Do not install a banking application on your phone under any circumstances! The same goes for SMS notifications. Now start saving money on the card. Cash gifts from friends and relatives, an inconspicuous part of your salary - by the way, let your relatives, if you trust them, credit the gifts directly to the card and under no circumstances mention this anywhere. Put in as much money as you can, up to loose change or bottle money if the situation is tough. (And the starting amount for a train ticket can sometimes save the situation - and even for that it is sometimes difficult to save up).
  • You can reissue existing cards (and then be sure to hide them) if you suspect that the tyrant has already “copied” all the numbers from them. You inform the bank that the card is lost or stolen, they block it, and issue a new one. All this time, you remain with an account, which you can top up by coming to the bank with your passport (and other people can also transfer money to it).
  • The financial issue is very important so that you do not have to return (and accept the “punishment” for escaping), and simply so that you do not die of hunger or cold on the street.

How to get out of a relationship with an abuser

Living with an abuser negatively affects not only the life of his wife. Children suffer from abuse and develop complexes that will be difficult for them to overcome in the future. Preparing for care involves the following steps:

  • saving money;
  • preparation of accommodation options.

It is better to keep your finances in a personal account or with friends if the aggressor controls your expenses. It is important to write down all the addresses of relatives and friends who will help in a difficult situation. Hide valuables and documents in a secret place; they should not fall into the hands of an abuser. Always have the police telephone number with you.

How to leave an abuser with a child

The child is especially vulnerable, because he needs not only normal living conditions, but his mental state is influenced by the emotional situation in the family. The negative influence of the aggressor contributes to the occurrence of problems such as sleep disturbances, the manifestation of somatic diseases and nervous disorders.

Many women are afraid or do not understand how to leave an abuser with a child, if he is very small. In such cases, it is necessary to enlist the support of friends or relatives. Remember that children need a healthy family environment, even if it is incomplete.


  • A very difficult moment. As a rule, it is impossible to stay stuck with an ally for a long time. We need to quickly find housing and money for housing at the same time. It is better not to announce fundraising on your social networks.
  • You can contact foundations, self-help groups, and so on.
  • The problem is that if you have children, you can be quickly found based on them (by transfer to other institutions). It is better to transfer schoolchildren to family education at least temporarily.

What actions need to be taken to make the abuser leave on his own?

Usually women leave their abusers on their own; much less often the tyrant himself decides to take such a step. Victims have psychological trauma, which makes escaping from an abusive spouse really difficult. Tolerating bad treatment is not an option for brave and determined representatives of the fair sex.

Many would like to know how to make an abuser leave his negligent wife. Experts advise not to hide the true nature of your husband from family and friends, because the illusion of imaginary well-being makes it difficult to solve the problem. This is where narcissistic tactics come in, including ignoring, selfishness, and focusing on their personality. These tricks will help you get rid of the tyrant without consequences.

Become financially independent

Women who are financially dependent on the aggressor

Some of them zealously justify themselves, others regret missed opportunities - both reactions indicate a desire to remain in the position of a “child”. Having escaped from one tyrant, such a woman will certainly meet another - and again find herself in a dependent relationship. “If you intend to say goodbye to abusers forever, you will have to grow up and take responsibility for your own life.
The ability to provide for yourself financially is one of the main conditions ,
the psychologist emphasizes.

Even during a period of economic crisis, you can increase your income if you wish. At the same time, of course, it is important not to inflate the level of claims

“It is better to rejoice at the opportunity to rent a tiny room with your own money and buy the simplest products than to be sad that after breaking up with a psychological rapist, expensive restaurants and vacations in the Maldives have become unavailable,”
says Nadezhda Georgieva.

Ways to recover from an abusive relationship

Since you won’t be able to leave an abuser without mental consequences, try step 2 – restoration and healing of the body. If maintaining contact with the aggressor is necessary due to the presence of common children, seek the help of a mediator. Psychologists strongly advise signing up for sports, be it swimming or gymnastics.

Testing the real incentives for change

To change, the abuser needs an incentive, and quite a significant one, that would allow him to really change. Unfortunately, it is difficult to say what exactly this incentive will be. Everyone will have their own. This could be the departure of a partner, the inability to establish a relationship, difficulties at work provoked by abusive behavior. That is, the danger of personal collapse significantly helps to change life.

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This doesn't mean that if you just want to try to change, then you shouldn't try. No one can and should not deny you this. It's just that with a good incentive, better results are achieved.

  • In what cases is it especially difficult to achieve results:
  • Lack of desire. Without a real desire to change it is difficult and rarely works
  • The abuser is “ideological” and believes that a world order in which a man (if the abuser is a man) is by definition the main figure is completely
  • An abuser who regularly uses physical violence - he quickly begins to like it and leads very far into self-justification, from where it is difficult to return
  • He understands what he is doing and does not want to change anything.
  • Difficulties with feeling when there is a ban on expressing feelings, or some of them. This also includes people of logic.
  • There are concomitant mental disorders that may require treatment from a psychiatrist
  • And the list doesn't end there

How not to return to an abuser: my advice

The aggressor almost always begins to persecute his victim, not allowing him to survive the recovery period - this is why it is difficult to leave the abuser. The tyrant insists on his own, makes tearful apologies, gives gifts and provokes his wife to return to the family. But after some time, new problems begin.

Leaving an abusive person should be done with the support of friends or relatives, and it is also important to endure psychological quarantine. It may make sense to temporarily change your place of residence and get away from any contact with your ex-husband.


  • Sometimes tyrants file a police report about the disappearance of their wife and children. In about four days, call the police station and tell them that if there is such a complaint against you, then you didn’t disappear anywhere. You will most likely be asked to come and write a response statement. The police themselves don’t want to waste their energy on this type of search. But just in case, come with a support group, some machismo may warn the tyrant that you will be there. Moreover, in any case, you will be asked to write the address in the application, but... in Russia you simply write the place of permanent registration, and not the actual address, so don’t “shine”.

Understanding how your behavior may actually be offensive

This is an important step because assessing how abusive you are requires feedback, which can be difficult to obtain. This happens in cases when the abuser’s partner prefers to silently endure humiliation, control, insults, and blackmail. Again, the abuser's parental family is unlikely to give him the right perspective, since in them such behavior could be considered normal. There remain friends and colleagues who also often simply try not to pay attention to it. As a result, when the abuser’s partner suddenly begins to resist, or even packs up, the abuser quite sincerely wonders what’s going on, gets offended, gets angry, and wants to punish his partner, because he considers himself the injured party in such a situation.

Understanding your pattern of abuse, or is it not that simple?

The case where one partner is an abuser and the other is a victim is only a special case. There are options when both partners can be abusers, when the second partner constantly passively provokes the expression of anger, and finally, there are mental disorders on both sides. This all needs to be taken into account. This is not an excuse for abuse, but mutual abuse looks different and requires different work than in the “pure” case of the abuser-victim relationship. The same is true for mental disorders, when professional treatment from a psychiatrist is indispensable. In general, real toxic relationships may turn out to be much more complex, not as obvious as the primitive understanding of them as “abuser” - “victim”.

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