You need to run: 22 signs that you are dating an abuser

This article is part of the Auto-da-Fé project. In it we declare war on everything that prevents people from living and becoming better: breaking laws, believing in nonsense, deception and fraud. If you have encountered something similar, share your stories in the comments.

In relationships we seek love, care and acceptance. But some people don't need this. They want only one thing: complete control over their partner. And they achieve this in every possible way - from subtle manipulations to threats, harassment and beatings.

Psychologists call How to Recognize the Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse such people abusers (from English abuse - violence, abuse). The consequences of a relationship with such a partner can What Are the Short- and Long-Term Effects of Emotional Abuse? be catastrophic. These include mental disorders (insomnia, depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder), physical injuries, or even death if the aggressor turns to physical violence.

The best way to protect yourself from this is to recognize such a person in time and break off any relationship with him. Here are the phrases and actions that indicate Am I being abused? abuser.

Causes of violent behavior

There are several areas that help reveal the true reasons for people’s tendency to act violently towards loved ones: biogenetic, psychological, emotional, environmental and social. As a rule, in each individual case several of the following factors may be present to one degree or another:

• Biogenetic. The predisposition to instinctive aggression is partly inherited by humans from ancient ancestors who were predators;
• Psychological abuse. The hostility of people towards each other prevails among individuals so much that they simply need to “destroy another person in order to preserve themselves” (S. Freud);
• Ecological. In such a self-organizing system as human society, there is a need to obtain energy through the destruction of nature and living organisms;
• Social environment. The influence of the social environment, especially in childhood, is of great importance in the formation of a craving for violent behavior. If cruelty is cultivated around, the child absorbs it and can become an abuser in adulthood.

Physical abuse

Physical abuse. Any action that may cause bodily injury is considered physical abuse. In most cases, the abuser in the family is a man who has physical strength or is the main breadwinner. Often, abusers themselves were victims of violence in childhood, but there are a number of other reasons that could provoke such behavior. Among the most common types of physical abuse are:

• slaps, slaps, beatings;
• burns;
• strangulation;
• drowning;
• cut and puncture wounds using blades, knives or other sharp objects;
• coercion to use alcohol, drugs, toxic substances or medications.

The consequences can include not only physical injury, but also significant psychological and emotional distress. Children may experience developmental delays and behavioral problems.

Psychological abuse

Unlike physical abuse, psychological, emotional (moral) abuse does not leave marks on the body, but threatens a number of deep mental disorders, although its signs are not always visible to others. Psychological abuse occurs in both women and men. Moreover, the signs of abuse are rarely noticed by friends and relatives from the outside, and sometimes the victim of abuse herself does not understand what is happening. The manipulative partner seeks to psychologically break, intimidate and make the victim dependent, and if he sees signs of weakness and does not receive a rebuff, he becomes even more carried away, gaining almost unlimited control in the relationship and enjoying his power.

The most frequently used elements of systematic psychological abuse are:

• intimidation;
• insult and humiliation;
• blackmail;
• gaslighting;
• ridicule;
• neglect;
• ignoring;
• manipulation;
• insulation;
• manifestations of groundless jealousy;
• accusations;
• use of offensive nicknames;
• leading to hysterics, psychosis and suicide.

There is male abuse, female abuse, relationship abuse, family abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse. Each abuse has its own signs and characteristics. As an example, a feature of female abuse is the involvement of third parties in conflicts and quarrels. As a rule, women are abusers and act as tyrants if their income significantly exceeds the earnings of their partner.

We recommend finding out how much a psychologist session costs

There are more than twenty forms of manifestation of psychological abuse, which can be present not only in relationships between two partners or a family, but also in friendly and work groups. Typically, the dominant subject seeks to demonstrate his superiority at the expense of others, using methods of bullying, manipulation of facts, and slander.

If we are talking about the psychological nature of abusive relationships, then it all depends on...

• How much of a “masochist” the victim is (perhaps the victim feels like a victim).
• How true is the situation (maybe he is not an abuser, but really loves you?).
• Or what are you willing to do to save your family and prevent your partner from turning you into a victim.

Of course, resisting an abuser is extremely difficult. These are skilled manipulators, and these psychological tactics are in their blood, and not from trainings and courses.

If a woman is blinded by love, she will not notice how she will get caught in a network, from which it will then be extremely difficult to extricate herself.

Sexual abuse

Sexual violence is being forced to have sexual intercourse against your will. In Russia, about 75% of wives agree to “fulfill their marital duty” when they don’t want to. Part of the blame for what is happening lies in the established stereotypes that the wife completely belongs to her husband and is obliged to enter into intimate relationships with him at his request. In fact, such views are a kind of factor that helps to “legalize” this in the family. Many victims of abuse, and in particular sexual abuse, do not even understand that they are essentially the injured party.

The concept of “sexual abuse” implies:

• any sexual contact using coercion;
• unwanted advances and hints with sexual overtones;
• convincing a partner to have unprotected sexual intercourse;
• entering into an intimate relationship with a person who is under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

Important The consequences of sexual abuse are very serious, especially if the victim of such abuse is a child. Among the most common signs of abuse are insomnia, various mental disorders, insurmountable fear of relationships, feelings of guilt and shame, anxiety, depression, memory fragmentation, impaired self-perception, and suicidal tendencies. Research shows that abuse experienced during adolescence impairs learning skills in adulthood.

And sometimes you simply cannot do without the help of a psychologist, because you need...

1. Learn to be yourself.
2. Get used to independence.
3. Raise self-esteem.
4. Get rid of self-flagellation.
5. And so on

No one can erase the trauma caused from their memory, but a competent approach to “treating” the consequences of abuse will help to overcome everything.

Psychologists advise after such a relationship to radically change everything that you are able to change: from your hairstyle to the city of residence.

Moreover, it is better to start immediately by moving to a new city.

Have there been similar situations in your life? And how did you get out of them? Share your stories in the comments below!

Child abuse

Emotional abuse from parents. The abuser chooses a victim who is much weaker than himself, often children find themselves in this place. Abuse of children by parents, guardians and teachers may include elements of psychological and physical abuse. Child abuse is a global problem with serious consequences. Children who are abused most often experience low self-esteem, persistent phobias, depression, and difficulties in establishing relationships. Indirectly, childhood abuse, namely mistreatment and neglect in childhood, can lead to alcohol and drug use in later life.

Examples of child abuse include:

• neglect;
• intimidation and blackmail;
• insult;
• seduction and sexually oriented actions;
• causing physical pain;
• forced use of dangerous substances.

Why do they endure and remain silent?

1. The norm of perception: “everyone lives like this,” “The Lord endured and commanded us,” “it happens to everyone.”
2. Fear, a feeling of loneliness, helplessness: “no one can help me,” “it will be even worse,” “well, apparently it’s written in the family,” “everyone has their own cross.”
3. Shame, guilt: “he didn’t mean to, it’s my fault,” “how can you tell about this?”

Abusive relationships have a detrimental effect on the victim’s self-esteem; it rapidly declines. The inability to change the situation leads to reclusion, secrecy, depression, neurosis and often to suicidal thoughts and suicide.

Homelessness

Children deprived of parental love and care face a lot of psychological problems in adulthood. The consequences of emotional or physical influence from parents can be: social maladaptation, tendency to break laws, prostitution, drug addiction, substance abuse, alcoholism. Unfortunately, homelessness affects not only children who, for a number of reasons, live separately from their parents, but also those who live with their families, but whose parents do not fulfill their duties. Neglect is manifested by the following phenomena:

• parental abandonment of the child;
• emotional neglect, lack of support;
• lack of education in the child;
• deprivation of necessary medical care, basic necessities, food;
• beating;
• coercion to do something;
• ignoring situations in which a child may harm himself.

Abuse in relationships with older people

Abuse can be applied not only to children and women, but also to the elderly. Like children, many older people are helpless and susceptible to physical, mental and financial abuse and neglect. They become targets for violence and abuse at the hands of family members or carers, and signs of such neglect may be hidden from public view. The most common signs:

• regular verbal abuse and humiliation;
• beating, including infliction of serious physical injuries (fractures, concussions);
• deprivation of food and medical care;
• financial or material abuse—withholding or stealing funds from an older person;
• neglect of basic needs;
• being held captive against one's will.

Stereotypes

There is a stereotype among most people that a tyrant is very easy to recognize. He is usually aggressive and cruel, raises his hand against his “other half” and treats her unfairly.

And its victim can only be a very insecure person, who, so to speak, has a weak character and no remarkable features that would help her survive in an unequal battle. And in addition, they simply love it when they are bullied, humiliated, being masochists and so on.

Therefore, they relax, believing that they will never be intimate with an abuser. It happens to everyone, but not to them.

But, as you might have already guessed, these fantasies are completely far from reality. Violence has many faces and does not necessarily show itself through a broken nose and bruises all over the body.

I will say more, it is not always possible to detect it in time. But only when it takes on large-scale forms, sometimes causing irreparable harm to both the health and psyche of the victim.

Financial abuse

If your partner completely controls your finances, does not allow you to find a job, and forces you to account for every purchase, this is financial abuse. Financial tyranny in a family can manifest itself in different ways. Signs of emotional and financial abuse:

• deliberately obtaining a loan in the name of a partner without his voluntary consent;
• total control of all household expenses;
• prohibition on using money earned by the victim partner;
• financial exploitation – when the money earned is spent by the manipulator exclusively for his own needs;
• preventing a partner from finding employment.

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Bullying

One of the forms of psychological abuse common among children is bullying. Aggressive targeting of one child or group of children is aimed at suppressing the personality of the victim, who will usually be a peer. This happens regularly and makes the bullied child afraid to go to school. Children are subject to pressure to conform to certain cultural values ​​and stereotypes of “acceptable” behavior and appearance. Here are some signs of abuse:

• using offensive nicknames towards the victim;
• beating;
• extortion of money and other valuables;
• humiliating jokes and ridicule;
• gossip;
• ignoring;
• intimidation.

Any student can become a victim of abuse, even a strong one who is able to withstand the pressure of a group of classmates. But usually those at risk are children who are poorly or sloppily dressed, suspicious and shy. Often the victim of abuse is a “newcomer” who finds himself in a new environment and setting.

What abuse statistics say:

• About 72% of victims of abuse suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder and depression;
• One in three women (almost 36%) have been raped, beaten or stalked by an intimate partner;
• One in four girls and one in six boys are victims of sexual abuse by the time they turn 18;
• 10% of children around the world are regularly abused, intimidated and bullied.

Help for victims of abuse

It should be understood that each situation is individual, so there is no single remedy for abuse. Experts advise:

• if you are in an offensive situation, try to leave without any aggressive actions;
• know that you are not to blame for the behavior of another person;
• if you are subject to violence or you are aware of facts of abuse against children or elderly people, try to report this to the appropriate services;
• talk to someone close to you whom you trust and tell about your problem.

ATTENTION! The best way to help victims of abuse is to talk about it, but this is not easy for many victims of abuse. The recovery period is different for everyone and depends on many individual factors of the abuse experienced.

• The best option for helping with abuse is the help of a psychologist. You can consult, for example, on our website anonymously, talk about what happened, and feel the support of a specialist. The ability to communicate with a psychologist online allows you to feel safe and helps you to understand the situation as objectively as possible with the help of a specialist. Online therapy has already become a salvation for many. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, we know what real help is to victims of abuse!

Picky

Tamara's story

Tamara always admired Andrei: he was so handsome in his suits, so well-read and important. Next to him I felt like a little girl who had something to learn from him. She considered him the smartest and told their children about this: “Your dad is the smartest, listen to him, he knows everything. Definitely bigger than me."

She still thinks so: her husband Andrey has two higher educations and is successful in business. By the time they met, he had already seen a lot, traveled all over Europe, and in Moscow moved among rich and wealthy people.

Compared to him, she—the author of “several good articles on clothes”—was too insignificant.

Tamara did not immediately understand that she was under psychological pressure. Andrei always considered himself an expert on all issues, and over time she began to notice that she did not have the right to express her opinion on any of them. He could sit next to her, put his hand on her knee and start ranting: “Now I’ll tell you everything.” And this “everything” concerned absolutely everything; not a single thought of hers, in his opinion, was worth anything.

In the company of friends, Andrei spoke condescendingly about her: they say, forgive this long-haired blonde for her stupidity, she’s such a fool to me, you know it yourself.

How do you know if you are in an abusive relationship?

“Living life is not a field to cross,” says an old proverb invented by our ancestors. Indeed, every person encounters many difficulties along the life path. This also applies to relationships. But if previously it was believed that “hitting means he loves,” today in our society one can increasingly hear comments about the need to protect personal boundaries, to prevent the use of physical, psychological, sexual and financial violence against oneself - in a word - abuse .

This newfangled word can increasingly be found in women's magazines, online blogs and newspapers. And it is used most of all in topics of psychological violence against loved ones, usually women. But, despite the discussion and popularity of this topic, there are still people who do not understand that they are victims of an abuser. What is the typical portrait of an emotionally abusive partner? How do you know if you are in an abusive relationship? Everyone should know about this.

What is he afraid of?

The abuser's emotional trauma does not explain his toxic behavior, but even if you understand the causes of anxiety and help him raise his self-esteem, this person's behavior will not change. Values, worldview and beliefs are the basis of behavior, but such a person does not really explain his actions - most often the abuser himself is not able to understand what is guiding him.

An aggressor man is afraid of loneliness, so his destructive actions are aimed at keeping his partner close. And the second fear of a toxic person is the fear of intimacy - this can explain the strict distance between one’s boundaries and the boundaries of a partner, since the abuser cannot tolerate intrusion into personal space. Although violating other people’s boundaries is normal for him for an aggressor.

Who is the offender?

“Heroes” should be known by sight. When talking about abusers, it is most often assumed that this is a man, although women and even teenage children are also found in the role of manipulators. Let's try to list the characteristics of the behavior and character of the average abuser:

• He looks at close people as his property. When talking about any of them, he often uses the pronouns “my”, “mine”, “mine”, ignoring the name.
• Pathologically jealous. So jealous that you don’t need any reason - the abuser will find it himself. And if he can’t find it, he’ll come up with one!
• Cruelty to animals and/or children. This can range from physical violence to verbal abuse or toxic jokes.
• He is unpredictable and at any moment he can reveal something that was not expected from him. He clearly likes this, and the victim is forced to feel constant vigilance.
• Controlling the behavior of others is another favorite “hobby” of a psychological abuser.
• Has old-fashioned ideas about the roles of men and women, their relationships. Likes to focus attention on this at every opportunity. Naturally, with the aim of humiliating, offending or offending the victim.

As they say, an oil painting... But don’t rush, because in “invisible” emotional abuse not everything is so simple. Often, even an experienced psychologist finds it difficult to understand who is who the first time. Who is the victim and who is the abuser? The fact is that in a toxic relationship, one person may talk about being subjected to psychological aggression, but then his partner (and seemingly the abuser) declares: “No, everything is completely wrong. I am the victim!”

It is also possible that the relationship is abusive on both sides. In this case, the victim uses the same methods of psychological pressure as a defense. To get to the truth, you need to contact a competent psychologist. And be prepared for the fact that the specialist will have to methodically unravel the tangle of lies, mutual insults and other accompanying “charms”.

Will he change

The aggressor is at times attentive, gentle and caring; in such moments it seems that the troubles are behind us and life with this person will change dramatically. However, an abusive man will still return to toxic behavior if he does not address the problem and wants to change himself.

Abusive behavior is not explained by emotions, but by the prevailing beliefs of such a man. A toxic person is not able to change one hundred percent unless he learns to respect his partner, because an abuser cannot be different - he does not want to change. Such a man understands that having changed, he will have to give up controlling behavior, and for such people this is backbreaking work.

Don't blame yourself and don't think you're crazy. There is nothing wrong with you, listen to your heart and don’t put rose-colored glasses on your eyes when assessing the behavior of an abuser.

Manifestations of abuse in relationships

To objectively assess the situation and understand whether you are in an abusive relationship, it is necessary to distinguish disagreements and omissions (and they can occur without psychological pressure) from toxic violence. In practice, many people confuse these concepts, and therefore draw incorrect conclusions, attributing manifestations of abuse to a complex character, bad mood, or standard age-related crises. And the victims continue to bear their cross.

Unlike physical violence, emotional abuse is difficult to see with the eyes and does not leave bruises or abrasions on the body. Abuse slowly devours the victim’s psyche, leading to neurosis, depression, serious psychological disorders and even suicide.

Signs of abuse in a relationship usually include the following:

• Your partner forces you to have sex when you don't want it.
• If something bad happens, your partner finds a way to blame you.
• Often treats you with clear disrespect.
• Your financial expenses are under his total control.
• The manipulator completely controls when and where you go, indicates with whom to communicate and with whom not.
• In private, he insults, humiliates, makes fun of your physical characteristics, achievements, tastes.
• In the presence of other people, he portrays an idyll.
• Your partner uses gaslighting techniques to make you question your sanity.

Try to assess your condition and find in it possible echoes of the offender’s behavior. This could be negative thoughts, anxiety, self-doubt or apathy. Your body language can signal these negative states to others. For example, when communicating with people, you avoid making eye contact, slouch or partially turn away from the interlocutor, or cross your arms or legs.

Who is an abuser

Abuse is violence in psychology; a person who commits pressure that affects the psyche is an abuser. It is not difficult to recognize him from the compiled psychological portrait. An abuser is a complex person who is dissatisfied with life. He communicates with his partner by humiliating, insulting, coercing, blackmailing. A rapist of this kind can be either a close person or anyone else with whom you have frequent contact. The victim rarely comes out of such relationships without losses.

It is common knowledge that women suffer more often from domestic violence. But life brings you up against toxic people at work and among your friends. Emotional abuse brings a lot of moral suffering; in order to save your psyche, you need to protect yourself as much as possible.

There are several types of abuse:

• physical;
• sexual;
• psychological.

People are not angels. Many people are characterized by rudeness, inattention, and selfishness in varying degrees of manifestation. But you can’t write everyone down as an abuser. Those belonging to this category are identified by a constantly repeating pattern of behavior - a pattern. The rapist systematically, with enviable persistence, insults and humiliates someone. The scheme of actions is the same. At first, the abuser gains trust in his victim, wins him over, then slowly and with pleasure he poisons the relationship with his toxins.

How to quickly get the correct answer?

Of course, not everyone can analyze their relationship objectively, decipher the elements of their partner’s behavior and interpret them adequately. It's really difficult if you remain face-to-face with a problem like abuse in a relationship. Try taking an online test that will quickly tell you the correct answer. There is another option for the optimal solution to this problem - seek help from a specialist.

At the same time, you do not have to attract the attention of your partner and loved ones by looking for an opportunity to meet with a psychologist in such a way that everything remains a secret. You can get advice from an experienced professional on issues of abuse in a convenient online format at Helppoint. At any time convenient for you. Without any restrictions on the privacy of conversations or correspondence. Completely confidential.

What will you get as a result of online consultations:

1. Be able to talk openly about the unique challenges in your relationship without fear that your abuser will know.

2. A psychologist will help to objectively answer the question: “Am I in an abusive relationship?”

3. Get support and advice on what to do to improve the relationship or end it if necessary.

4. You will be able to become more confident in yourself and start a new life without insults, humiliation and ridicule addressed to you.

Specialists on issues of abuse in relationships are always available on Helppoint for paid online counseling at a time convenient for you. Register right now and start communicating with a psychologist - this will be the first step towards independence and psychological comfort. The road to freedom from psychological abuse is not always smooth, but with the right help, you can find your path to happiness.

The information presented in this material is for informational purposes only and does not replace professional advice from a physician. If you are in an abusive relationship, consult a specialist!

Author: Editorial staff of the Help-Point.net portal

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“The abuser is always weaker than the victim, morally and psychologically.” How to survive domestic violence

• In January, in Yekaterinburg, a man was sentenced to four years, who, as the investigation established, drove his wife to suicide. “In accordance with the conclusion of the expert commission, as a result of the cruel treatment, the woman developed a state of mental tension, which contributed to the perception of the situation as completely hopeless,” the court’s decision says.
• In March, in the Samara region, a criminal case was opened against a district police officer who beat his wife while drunk during 16 years of marriage, and she eventually committed suicide. According to the case materials, this happened due to “an increase in negative attitude on the part of the husband, scandals, suspicions of infidelity, insults and threats, and physical aggression.” The wife did not contact the police: she was ashamed, and was also afraid that her husband would lose his job and they would not be able to pay the mortgage.
• In October, in Revda it became known about a 31-year-old man who systematically abused his 45-year-old partner: he beat her and accused her of cheating. He is threatened with a colony - the woman herself turned to the police asking for protection.

Psychologists call this phenomenon abuse.
Abuse is a term derived from the English abuse, “abnormal use”, “abuse”, “cruel treatment”. This pattern of behavior is typical for close relationships. Love, family, child-parent. The aggressor and the victim are always connected and dependent on each other. But abuse is not normal. It is not without reason that domestic violence attracts the attention of both public figures and authorities. How to survive it, how to get out of this situation without serious injuries and why many victims think that they deserve such treatment - we turned to psychoanalyst Marina Batalina with these questions. We invite you to speak out and tell your stories: write to (we will maintain confidentiality).

About the interlocutor. Marina Batalina, psychoanalytically oriented psychologist (experience: over six years), member of the Union of Professional Psychoanalysts. Education: Faculty of Psychology, USPU, specialization: socio-psychological rehabilitation. Reception: st. Karl Liebknecht, 66, 2nd floor, tel..

— How can I understand that what is happening to me is abuse?

As a rule, abuse has a cyclical structure. The first stage is an increase in tension. During this period, the aggressor can still cope with the internal level of tension arising from the inability of the psyche to adequately cope with even the simplest tasks of everyday life. This process cannot continue indefinitely, and the second stage begins: violence against the victim. The energy of the aggressor destroys the victim: both mentally and physically.

At the third stage, having thrown out all the furious and aggressive energy, the abuser is able to regain control over himself and his actions. And since the victim is vitally important to the aggressor, he tries in every possible way to restore and maintain the connection and increase the victim’s dependence on himself. In the fourth stage, which is often called another honeymoon, the aggressor appears as a loving, caring and attentive partner. He clearly knows what exactly his victim wants to hear and receive, and gives it to her. Thus, putting the victim even more firmly on the hook.

Abuse can be psychological: it is insults, blackmail, threats, intimidation, convincing the victim of his inferiority.

Drawing by Irina Rubtsova.

Story one. Ekaterina, 32. Abuser: mother

...I also had violence in my life, my mothers did it to me. She raised me VERY strictly. She beat me with a belt for everything. I came home three minutes late - get it! Moreover, I was allowed to go for a walk after all sorts of clubs and activities for at most an hour... It was forbidden to invite friends home. I also beat her for grades, even for Bs.

I had one protector, my daddy. But I couldn’t complain to him either, because then I got double the money.

Mom always said that she loved me and raised me in this way so that I would grow up to be a worthy person and achieve everything in life that she could not. Apparently, that’s why I went everywhere: art school, music school, etc., except for dancing, which I always dreamed of going to - according to her, I wouldn’t have been able to cope and would have embarrassed her.

As a teenager, I thought about suicide, but I was afraid that if I failed to complete the matter, she would definitely kill me. You know, how embarrassing it is when you are 15 years old, and your mother still beats you, when you can’t go out for more than 20.00, when you can’t wear a skirt even to the knee, because you look like a prostitute, as she said.

And what happened in the end: I ran away from home when I turned 18, I remember with a shudder the time when I was forced into music and art school, I didn’t do anything like that. Now I’m over 30, I have a daughter, I’ve never raised a hand to her.

My dad has been dead for a long time, but there is a wonderful husband with a character similar to daddy (it’s not for nothing that they say that girls choose men who are similar to their fathers as husbands). And when I become like my mother (this manifests itself in screaming), he smooths out the corners and calms me down. For which I thank him very much.

— How do I understand that I need help?

It is often difficult for yourself to notice that something is wrong in a relationship. Beats means he loves. And if a person from childhood had only such a picture of the world and only such a flawed family model, then the guarantee that he will create his family precisely according to this scenario is almost one hundred percent. Abuse often has an escalating character. That is, it can all start with a couple of insults, but develop into systematic, severe beatings. Of course, when it comes to physical impact, this is the last and most dangerous signal for you, as a victim. An important characteristic feature of abuse is its systematic manifestation by the aggressor and the clear structure of the entire cycle.

- Why does one rape the other?

— The abuser is always weaker than the victim, morally and psychologically. It, like an intestinal parasite, is able to survive only when there is a strong carrier nearby. When it comes to domestic violence, there is almost a 100% guarantee that the abuser has a history of total victimhood as a child. The aggressor dreams of growing up as quickly as possible and breaking out of the hellish environment and his powerlessness, getting rid of the pain that his significant adults caused him. Be it mom, dad, grandparents. But such an experience does not pass without a trace. The matured former victim unconsciously takes the place of her tormentor. This is perhaps the only way she knows to cope with the internal tension that accumulates in the everyday cycle of problems.

Drawing by Irina Rubtsova.

The second story. Anna, 33. Abuser: husband

...We have a big age difference, he is older. When I was courting you: it was very beautiful, flowers, trips to interesting places, beautiful words, he even wrote poetry for me. Later I learned that for an abuser this is the norm, hyper-caring and tenderness in everything.

The physical abuse started six months before we finally separated. We lived together for more than ten years. All this time, he seemed to be accumulating hatred towards me: he could scold me for a wet towel left on a hook in the bathroom, and not hung on the dryer, or scold me for a broken mug.

I - in life, cheerful, confident, sociable - sat at work until late, forced myself to go home, because humiliation awaited me there and the words that I was “armless, stupid, brainless” - and then only swearing, and so on constantly.

When he began to give up, we were divorced, but he did not leave: he was registered, and, moreover, he believed that he had the right to a family, and I “deserved it, I brought it out.”

Although by that moment everything had passed for me: love, affection, and desire, everything had burned out, only hatred remained. And terrible disgust, I couldn’t even believe that I could once sleep with him, that I said “Yes” at the registry office and gave birth to his children.

I remember how I came home from work, and he was sleeping drunk on the sofa. I went to bathe my daughter, who was unhappy about something and started screaming. He jumped up and rushed towards me, swearing in the dirtiest words, began to snatch the phone, shouting that he was going to smash it against the wall. I managed to call my mother, she heard me screaming, covering my neck with my hands, because she was afraid that he would strangle me. My daughter jumped out of the bathroom, naked, covered in foam, covered me with herself, shouting: “Don’t touch mom!” Only then did he fall behind.

I endured this for six months. Called the police twice. The male employees smiled openly when I, crying, talked about what was happening: in their words and looks they read, they say, “I brought it on myself.” The girl patrolwoman who came to the call just threw up her hands and looked sympathetically at the bruises on my arms: “He’s registered, we can’t do anything.”

When they kill you, come.

Then I realized that no one would ever, under any circumstances, help me. Just me.

I had the courage to simply kick him out of our shared apartment, he went to his ex-wife. I don’t know what he’s doing, what he’s doing, we don’t communicate at all. He regularly pays the alimony that I requested in court, and that’s all I need to know about him.

Now I have a man (I managed to start a new relationship only a year later - all this time there was a fear that history would repeat itself), he is completely different, he does not allow himself rude words. And still, sometimes I catch myself thinking: what if I do something wrong again and he, so kind and sweet now, swings and hits me? I'm very afraid of this.

— Is it possible to reconcile and live in such a situation?

“Often the victim herself unconsciously demands such an attitude towards herself. Having no inner self-worth, not understanding oneself, not knowing one’s true desires, grasping at the first option that comes along. After all, abusers at the beginning of a relationship tend to carefully hide all their pathological habits, charming the victim completely. The stronger the psychological constitution of the victim, the longer she will be able to endure and process the stress of the abuser with her psyche and body. The cases are different, from a long quiet life in a state of worthlessness to the inability to endure this violence any longer and, as a result, a sudden rebellion in the flesh to the murder of the abuser in a state of passion.

- Is it possible to change a person who hurts me?

— This is the most common mistake of the victim: during the period of reconciliation, to assume that the abuser has changed. That he has realized the horror of his behavior and will never do this to you again. But remember: it is almost impossible to correct any behavior pathology or neurotic symptom on your own without outside professional help. After all, you wouldn’t operate on a diseased organ at home, in the kitchen with girlfriends/friends under alcohol anesthesia? The psyche is a very subtle organization that has its own laws of functioning, which are often beyond the power of a person who is far from psychology, internal harmony and the desire for self-knowledge to understand. But - the victim has already thought about the inappropriateness of such an attitude towards himself, began to work on himself, left a codependent relationship, and the abuser retained the ability for deeper emotional connections, he, having lost a significant victim irrevocably, begins to slowly move towards development too. As if following. But these are extremely rare cases.

Drawing by Irina Rubtsova.

Story three. Maria, 36. Abuser: husband

...When he started beating me, I don’t remember now, although I’m trying. It all started like many others: they started dating, dreamed of living together, starting a family. The two of them walked everywhere, holding hands. I always liked it when he held my hand. Then it seemed like a manifestation of love, much later I realized that it was a desire to control everything.

This total control is where the problems started. He wanted to know everything: who writes to me and what, with whom and what I talk on the phone, what I wear to work. I even picked out the clothes myself. It was impossible to stay late at work, and not picking up the phone was akin to a serious crime.

At first he didn't allow himself to hit me in the face. He twisted his arms. Choked. Kicked. But he didn't touch his face. Then he crossed this line. Broken and constantly swollen lips had to be painted over with bright lipstick, through which their bluish color could not be seen. And after one of the quarrels, an impressive bruise spread under my eye. Not a single foundation was able to hide it. At work I lied with inspiration. They believed me. I did not appear to be a victim of domestic violence. It was a shame to go to family or the police for help.

All quarrels always took place behind closed doors. In public, he tried to control himself. He understood that they could intercede, and then he would get it. But they never stood up for me. One day, when he was beating me in the car, I managed to break free and jump out onto the road. I ran all in tears. He ran after me. Not a single car stopped. Nobody even tried to help. Although it was day.

This finally freed his hands. Now even on the street, among people, I did not feel safe.

He could explode at any second because I didn’t answer the way he wanted. Or it seemed to him that I smiled too nicely at an acquaintance. Or looked at the stranger for a long time.

He wrenched my hands right in the middle of a busy square. It’s impossible to count how many phones were broken. Even children, who had witnessed scandals more than once, were not a hindrance. And I forgave everything. At first, because she loved him madly, she thought that this was the last time, because he cried so much, repented so much. Then - out of fear that I would be left alone with the children. And I was simply afraid of him. It was scary to tell him to leave. What if he kills you or makes you disabled?

It's been a few months since we got divorced. Thanks mom. I came to visit unexpectedly, and there I was with covered bruises under both eyes. I understood everything at once. We packed our things and went to her place. He's still asking to come back. He assures me that he has changed, that he will never touch me again. And the worst thing is, I understand that I am ready to return. But for now I’m holding on. While all those pictures emerge in your memory when you are lying on the floor in your own apartment, there are shards of broken dishes all around, painfully digging into your body, and your most beloved and dearest person is kicking you.

- Who needs help - me, the person causing me suffering, both of us?

— First of all, help is needed by those who need it. The fact that this mechanism is pathological and requires work on oneself is undeniable. But you won’t be nice by force. It is so convenient and familiar for the abuser to live, this is a mechanism that is understandable to him. Adopted from the usual family model and picture of the world. It is precisely for the stable use without interruption of a familiar pathological technique that he tries to tie the victim to himself as strongly as possible. Including instilling in her her worthlessness and insanity. Therefore, it is more often the victims’ relatives who seek help, rather than the victim herself. And if she manages to break out of this hellish vicious circle, she goes through a long process of experiencing a post-traumatic state and depression.

- Can violence mean that I am bad and deserve it?

“It is this position that is convenient to instill in the victim. Such a person is easier to manage, use, and abuse with impunity. But if you remember the primary stage of the relationship, the beginning is absolutely the opposite. Trying to hook the victim, the abuser deliberately inflates his personal values ​​to unprecedented proportions. Gradually giving more and more seemingly unconditional love, acceptance and attention. We all come from childhood and on the way to growing up inevitably received psychological childhood traumas associated with insufficient contact with the maternal object or its complete absence. They are inevitable, but everyone has their own experience, which then shaped his psyche and subsequently dictates his line of behavior, choice of partners, way of reacting and ability to cope with internal tension.

- Can this person love me?

- In this situation, we need to talk about the love of the aggressor for his victim like the love of a spider for a fly in its web. He only relieves his needs in life at your expense. There is absolutely no generally accepted concept of love, which has a lot of additional meanings and manifestations, such as respect, partnership, forgiveness, not the desire to harm, in codependent relationships where the dominant style of relationships is abuse. Love is a decoration that covers up an ugly scene of damaged, parasitic functioning.

Drawing by Irina Rubtsova.

Story four. Christina, 27. Abuser: mother

...Six years ago we lived in another city. It wasn’t all that bad until my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and then my mom was diagnosed. She loved to drink, after this the drinking sessions became more frequent, and she quit her job. The father continued to work and raise his family.

I never had my own opinion, if I tried to object to something (for example, I want to go to a music academy, not a medical school), then hell began, humiliation, screaming, assault. Now I can’t react calmly to a scream, I immediately start bawling, and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

Then we moved to Revda, at the insistence of my mother. She stopped working and began drinking more often. Drunk, she attacked her father with a hammer, humiliated her, cursed her, and since I have the closest relationship with my father, it was excruciatingly painful for me to watch her do this. Gradually she made his life hellish. Once again she got drunk and didn’t let him home. I threw out all his things. From that moment on, my father lived at work.

She forbade me to communicate with my father; she checked my phone and SMS messages. When she ran out of money, she made me call my father and say: “Dad, give me money, I have nothing to eat.” Although this was not the case. She simply manipulated him through me. If I told her: “I won’t do this,” she began to use physical force and humiliate me; I’ve been afraid of her since childhood.

Before moving to Revda, my father transferred half of the apartment to me. And one day I heard the phrase from my mother: “We’re making a deed of gift, you owe me this share,” she dragged me to the MFC, but they turned her down because I was under 18. When I turned 18, the conversation about deeds of gift came up again. But I understood that as soon as I gave her a share, she would get rid of me, just like her father. I tried to object to her, for which I received a threat of physical harm. She got scared and the next day, when she was not at home, she packed her things and left.

There were kind people who were able to shelter me. I lived for a week, after which my mother established contact with me and promised that she would not drink... But that was not the case! As soon as I returned home, two days later my passport disappeared; when asked where it was, I was told: “It’s none of your damn business, I’ll do what I want with it.” But I was spineless, and the fear of my mother was with me all my life, one “beautiful” day she woke me up and said: “Let’s go.” We arrived at the MFC, and I signed a deed of gift.

Two days after that, she got drunk again, and she drank without drying out for 24 hours. She began to catch the squirrel, whisper to herself, answer something to herself. Then she came to my room and hit me, and then began to choke me. When she went out to smoke, I grabbed my things and ran away. She ran after him, shouting: “Stop, bitch, I’ll catch you anyway.” But I didn’t return home.

I will probably never forget this. Now we don’t communicate with her, we only sometimes go to court.

“If every partner I have hurts me, what’s wrong with me?”

“There is clearly a tendency here in the internal need to be a victim. You need to start working and understanding your inner contents. Who or what makes you feel second-rate and put up with being treated with disrespect. In the course of psychoanalytic work, repressed childhood memories and situations may emerge that will lead to a clear understanding of the entire painful mechanism and allow the formation of a new, healthy model of behavior. Everything that surrounds us reflects our inner contents.

“I want to leave, but I can’t make up my mind.” What to do?

“This happens because the victim has invested and continues to invest his moral strength in the abuser. Simply working with his pear to release steam and be able to cope with internal tension. The victim unconsciously regrets the waste, and she is still waiting for the abuser to respond in kind. When he begins to become emotionally invested in their relationship. This happens, but only for a short time during the recovery period. And this is just part of the flawed mechanism of abuse, and not a conscious desire to be close to others, to be the best for your loved one. Here it is important to decide for yourself what is more important to you: harmonious partnerships and favorable conditions in other areas of life or, for example, an apartment earned through daily living of violence and humiliation. Do you want to always live in destructive relationships so that your children see only pathological relationships and, as they grow up, reproduce this model, but in their own family? The last straw will be something different for everyone. Identifying a problem is already part, the beginning of its solution.

More on the topic

• Revdinka stabbed her roommate. He killed her dog.
• In Revda, a 58-year-old woman was killed in her apartment. Her partner is suspected.

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