Many people often ask the question: “What to do if no one needs you?” Read the advice of a psychologist in this article, they will really help you.
Even the most sociable and positive people are familiar with the oppressive feeling of loneliness. How to get rid of it? If you think you are alone, then read the article. The information in it will help you understand why this happens. Read on.
What is the feeling of not being needed?
The feeling of uselessness, lack of demand, and worthlessness is one of the most painful experiences that modern people face. It is perceived even more acutely than loneliness. A lonely person suffers from the fact that he is alone in this world. And a person who is convinced of his uselessness (even if he is mistaken) feels that he is not in this world at all.
What to do if no one needs you?
Important: the feeling of uselessness is the other side of another feeling that is vital for a person - one’s own importance, being in demand, being involved in a circle of close people, like-minded people, and colleagues. Without this feeling, human realization is impossible.
Actually it's true
Nobody really needs you. And in general, people are needed only by those closest to them: parents, children, brothers and sisters, rarely friends who have turned into “relatives”. But in reality, people only care about themselves.
Moreover, if someone really needs a person, it is quite possible that they are simply using him and nothing more. And one moment. Even those around whom a crowd revolves may well feel lonely. So, we are all truly alone.
Being needed by someone: pros and cons
In order to get rid of the feeling of your own uselessness, it is important to dissuade yourself of this, which means becoming needed by someone. Or maybe we should leave everything as it is? What are the advantages and disadvantages of overcoming the uselessness complex?
| Advantages | Flaws |
| Understanding that close people, friends, and colleagues need you, relieves a person of the feeling of his own insignificance. He begins to value life and his health more, without taking unnecessary risks, thinking about the consequences of his actions: what if they bring trouble to those who care about you? | Understanding that you are necessary for someone requires special care and delicacy. It's good if the feelings are mutual. And if not? How to get out of the situation without cutting off oxygen to the person who needs you? What if it breaks? It is very important to weaken this one-way connection with the least possible losses. |
| The feeling of being needed helps each of us to overcome difficulties, set goals, and achieve them. In other words, a person perceives his life as something that does not belong only to him, feels responsible to those who support him, and tries to be on top so as not to let him down. | A person cannot afford to take big risks (and sometimes he really wants to). Every step will have to be taken with an eye on those who are worried, caring, waiting, and bored. Sometimes, why not, excessive care is annoying. You have to come to terms with this. |
| The life of a person who knows that he is not indifferent to his other half, parents, children, friends, is filled with meaning. He knows that it is not in vain that he lives on this earth. This gives him powerful emotional support and supports him in difficult times. | Knowing that his family and friends need him, a person should forget about the feeling of absolute freedom. Responsibility to loved ones and caring for them does not allow you to live as you please, take risks, or neglect your health. |
I don't want to do anything! How to deal with this?
In what direction should we change?
bstad / Pixabay
In order to stop using the idea of uselessness in your worldview, you need to understand that this feeling is a signal to try to figure out what exactly you are missing, what exactly you want, what your need or needs are.
How to recognize a manipulator?
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Think about it carefully, it is likely that you can use unnecessaryness for different needs in different cases. That is, it would be correct to remember in what situations you did this.
Well, after you understand your needs, it makes sense to take care of satisfying these needs. For example, if you don’t have any social life, then maybe you should figure out what you like and start attending, say, art lectures, or go to a drawing club. It doesn't matter that you don't know how to do something. You can study. For friendship - look for friends, for love - look for love, for significance - do and improve what you do.
If you use feelings of worthlessness to get what you need (for inaction, for attention, uniqueness and other rewards), consider whether you are ready to receive it in this way, or if you want to change something. For each case, you can find dozens of different techniques, although working with a psychologist remains the best.
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Andrey Petrakov
This is a blog on psychology from a professional psychologist, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Zoom About us/Make an appointment
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The “superfluous person” complex
Man is a social being. He cannot live in a complete communication vacuum. Yes, there is an exception - hermits. But, consciously refusing the company of other people, they completely devote themselves to God, that is, they are absolutely sure that it is He who needs their life most of all. This means that no complexes of uselessness, worthlessness and unfulfillment threaten him.
What if you are not a hermit, but a normal person who wants to love, have friends, develop professionally, but for some reason all this is stalled? In the end, you begin to suspect that everyone, by and large, can easily do without you. And if at some point you disappear, then your absence will not be discovered immediately, or maybe they will not notice at all.
Gradually, a person gets used to his own uselessness and believes that he is somehow defective, incorrect, unworthy of being paid attention to. In a word - superfluous.
He voluntarily pushes himself into a corner, not claiming anything, and does not live, but drags out a worthless existence.
A person who is confident that no one needs him considers himself “superfluous” at this celebration of life.
Reasons for low self-esteem
Above, I already wrote a little about happiness. Let's take a scarier example. A person cannot build normal relationships with other people. He takes a lot and gives nothing. An egoist who considers himself a little God, the center of the universe, the coolest. Everyone else must satisfy his desires and stroke his ego. Such people have many friends and comrades with whom they can have fun. However, I would not allow something like this into my close circle of friends.
Another option is the opposite: a person “does good.” Reinvests in relationships. As a rule, they also leave such people. There is no balance.
There is a law in communication and relationships: we build a fence brick by brick. One is laying a brick. Then the second one lays a brick. Then again the first one. This is how strong relationships are built. If the second person does not lay a brick, then the first one looks for another.
It happens the other way around. You meet a person. He will start dumping a truckload of bricks on you. You stand there and think: “I’ll probably go. It's boring with him." This is an indicator of low self-esteem and fear of losing a person. It scares me a lot.
The driver of a truck with bricks has a direct path to a psychologist.
The reasons may lie in childhood.
Children lacked the attention of their parents, especially girls strive to capture the attention of their father... Or vice versa, the parents fulfilled all the whims of the child. And when he enters the adult world, leaves school, he realizes that the world is not a pink pony ready to fulfill his wishes.
For example, a girl at the age of 5 persistently took her to gymnastics classes. She didn't like it. She couldn't do it. Her father continued to drive her until she was kicked out. As a result, the girl formed an opinion about herself that she was worthless, could not do anything, and was worse than others. Friends or not, or those who do not express a desire to be friends. In other words, the inner self seeks confirmation of worthlessness in the outer world. Such people need to see a psychologist..
Relationships with the opposite sex. In relationships, one often kills the self-esteem of the other because he does not understand the values of his partner. Sometimes on purpose, saying things like: “Who needs you alone with the children.”
At work we also lose self-esteem. It’s hard to feel good when you’re a handyman, your bosses talk about this, and you can see how newcomers who come later quickly catch on.
The next problem: the surrounding space, the appearance of an ideal world in films and magazines. A girl watches a film: she sees models who look like celestial beings, and not like ordinary people. He thinks: “Men love beautiful people. I am not like that. I won’t have a man.” Day by day, and she will believe it. Thoughts will create the expected result - the absence of a man.
Appearance is not an indicator. This is a temporary characteristic; the inner world is much more important. What's inside is also outside. In the last paragraph I will tell you about mental laws that must be observed.
“I will prove the opposite to you all! ", or the Napoleon Complex
But there are other situations when such a person, having lost faith that someone will truly appreciate him, decides to prove the opposite.
Moreover, he chooses not the best “arguments” as evidence: for example, brute force or meanness. How many books have been written on this topic, how many films have been made, and life itself periodically throws up terrible stories about how some high school student with a Napoleon complex, drab and inconspicuous, suddenly shows up at school with a firearm and takes out his grievances on those who I underestimated it at the time. But these are all clinical cases worthy of the attention of psychiatrists.
And we are interested in the psychology of a normal person who has fallen into the trap of an unfortunate combination of circumstances or has become a hostage to self-doubt. Or maybe both at the same time.
Feeling lonely
There are no people in the world who never feel lonely. But more often this happens to those who have nothing to do. But constantly busy people have no time to worry about loneliness, since they have a goal in life - to develop a business and earn money.
Everyone experiences loneliness differently. For some, this is not a reason to be upset, because they are content with themselves, while others are moping and are in a depressed state, which often leads to suicide.
It is important to keep yourself busy. Let it be a banal cleaning, during which there is no time to think about being unnecessary to anyone. When boredom sets in, you can call friends with whom you have not communicated for a long time. Someone has to take the first step, and then they will call back in their free time.
Overcoming the feeling of uselessness: before and after
So, the person analyzed the reason that gave rise to the feeling of uselessness and decided to try to fix everything. What will happen next?
What to do if you don't want to live?
| BEFORE | AFTER |
| A person experiencing a feeling of uselessness seems to be an “empty place.” | Having realized his need, a person feels emotionally involved in a certain communicative space where he is assigned a certain place. |
| A person who is confident that everyone is indifferent to him is like walking on a tightrope without a safety net. If he falls, no one will even notice. This creates a worthlessness complex. | Having felt needed, a person begins to believe that his life has meaning. He receives energy support that helps him overcome difficulties and not stumble. |
| The person essentially experiences an inferiority complex. Gradually, he even begins to believe in his own worthlessness. | By making sure that there are people who still need him, a person has every chance to turn from an “ugly duckling” into a “beautiful swan.” |
From thoughts to actions
When things go badly, a person usually withdraws from society until things get better. Do not forget that solving problems can take a long time, and during this period the desire to communicate disappears. And those around you get used to such detachment, and do not try to get involved in other people’s lives and problems.
You can’t try to solve your difficulties on your own; it’s better to turn to people. Perhaps in the future they will ask for help, and friendly relations will last for many years.
In order not to feel unnecessary, it is very important not to isolate yourself from people, not to refuse their communication and help. Going out into the world gives you the opportunity to be surrounded, to be needed and useful.
Thus, loneliness will never become the only feeling among all possible in this life.
We all come from childhood: how not to lose control over the situation?
A person’s awareness of his own importance begins in infancy, when the child is emotionally and biologically connected to his mother. The baby feels this connection first on a subconscious level, and over time begins to understand that his parents and the whole family need him.
Those close to him rejoice at his successes, support him, and wish him well. This is how the child realizes: “I am”, “I am needed”, “My life is important for my family and friends.”
All this, of course, “works” when the family is friendly and prosperous. But when it is problematic or does not exist at all, the child already in early childhood begins to suspect that he is not very welcome in this world.
People whose childhood was not characterized by prosperity grow up in different ways: someone wants to even out the situation, create a strong family, protect their children from what he himself had to endure. Many people are great at this. But there are also “negative characters” who, harboring a grudge against the whole world, turn into lonely and cruel wolves.
There are also people who, despite having a completely prosperous childhood, at some point something went wrong. For example, your parents divorced, your first love turned out to be unsuccessful, your best friend betrayed you.
And here it is very important to turn on your will, keep yourself afloat and not convince yourself that “everything is lost.” Otherwise, the complex of worthlessness and uselessness will overwhelm you. And behind him will come his faithful companion - depression. It will be much more difficult to swim out later. As you know, it is better to prevent trouble than to eliminate its destructive consequences later.
So what do I suggest?
Reasons for social rejection
Do you feel lonely and unwanted? What to do in this situation? Identifying the possible reasons why society refuses to accept you can be quite difficult, but it can often help solve the problem. Thanks to this, you can find the root of the problem and begin to deal with unwanted feelings and thoughts.
People with mental disorders are much more likely to experience negative emotions. It is possible that you have some kind of undiagnosed psychological illness that is interfering with your interactions with peers.
Individuals with health problems are quite often the objects of general ridicule due to certain stereotypes about a particular disease (obesity, anorexia, diabetes, etc.). Think carefully about whether your condition affects how people communicate with you.
Scientists have found that a person perceives words that come from the mouth of a representative of another nation or race much more keenly. Perhaps they refuse to communicate with you precisely because you belong to a different nationality. Such communication is worthless!
Step-by-step instructions on what to do if no one needs you
Below are 9 steps to help you stop perceiving yourself as a stranger at this celebration of life. How to feel needed?
| Steps | Description |
| Step 1. | Often a complex of lack of demand arises against the background of the absence of like-minded people. There is simply no one to appreciate you. Your task is to find those who can do this. There are professional communities on social networks where you can not only show what you are capable of, but also find your destiny. I recently attended the wedding of a wonderful artist and a talented sculptor. There are a lot of such stories. And if you haven’t yet discovered any talent in yourself, it’s never too late to do so. |
| Step 2. | If you realize that someone is vitally important to you, but this “someone” is indifferent to you, you need to turn on your self-esteem. Firstly, the fact of lack of reciprocity needs to be realized - preferably with a cool head. Secondly, you need to firmly explain to yourself: this is not your person. You made the mistake of mistaking him for yours and convincing yourself of this. And you need to be able to admit mistakes. And correct them too. Don't be a slob. |
| Step 3. | It is very important to feel your connection not only with people, but also with the worlds in general, with the starry sky, the sea, and nature in general. This gives a feeling of harmony. When you feel insufficiently needed and unappreciated, increase the number of walks. Turn on contemplative mode. It turns your thoughts in the right direction and is very calming. |
| Step 4. | Urgently engage in dialogue with your “inner child.” Support yourself, remember the best episodes of childhood, when you felt emotionally involved in the circle of your closest and dearest people. These dialogues are best conducted before going to bed and immediately after waking up, when the connection with the subconscious is strongest. The main task is to regain faith in yourself and that everything will gradually get better. |
| Step 5. | On the issue of the “inner child”. Don't keep negativity to yourself. If you find yourself in a “turbulence zone”, everything is falling out of your hands, it seems to you that you have disappointed someone, allow yourself to be sad. You can even cry. After all, children are very spontaneous in expressing feelings: they laugh when it’s funny, cry when they’re sad. That is why their psyche is harmonious and balanced. But you don’t need to cry for long, just to relieve the tension. Next we need to act. |
| Step 6. | Try to mope less and drive yourself into a state of depression. This can cause an addictive effect, when a person begins to get something like a masochistic high: the worse, the better. Feeling sorry for yourself for a long time is harmful. This is the lot of the weak. After this, you need to include self-irony. Well, look at yourself from the outside: who would need a sad woodpecker? But if a girl sits alone in a deserted park in a passive pose in the evening, this can turn into big trouble. Maniacs never sleep! |
| Step 7 | Get a pet. Ideally a dog. It will quickly distract you from bad thoughts, fill your life with devotion and love, make you go for walks, even out your daily routine, and improve your sleep. Animals are the best psychotherapists. If you are not convinced of this yet, go ahead, it’s time! If you can’t get a dog yet, think about a kitten, ferret, Djungarian hamsters, or parrot. This is a very effective method. |
| Step 8 | Look around. Maybe while you think that no one needs you, someone is waiting for you to pay attention to them? Don't lose touch with reality by plunging into your melancholic fantasies. Very often people suffer from imaginary problems that have nothing to do with reality. Don't stubbornly try to win the attention of those who reject you or don't notice you, look for those who really need you. |
| Step 9 | It happens that, suffering from lack of demand and unfulfillment, a person behaves like a real egoist. Meanwhile, his closest people are impatiently waiting for “our boy” (or “our girl”) to finally remember them. Quick question: when was the last time you called your parents? Have you visited your grandparents? |
What to do if you're tired of everything: 11 options
What to do if no one needs you?
What to do about it
When you experience loneliness, you also wonder how to live if no one needs you. There are several exits here.
Don't get hung up
Are you really alone, or do you think so? Often, a feeling of loneliness haunts those who suffer from unrequited love: it seems to a person that if the object of his feelings does not need him, then no one needs him.
And it’s one thing when no one congratulated you on your birthday, but another thing if a person thinks “nobody needs me,” and his significant other texted him for half an hour.
Learn to appreciate solitude
Perhaps it is now given to you so that you think about your development, about your goals, in general, about something global. By the way, some popular (in the sense of being needed and having many friends) people admit that they feel much better and more comfortable alone.
Perhaps they are popular precisely because of their self-sufficiency. Perhaps the period of loneliness will end soon, but in the meantime you can engage in self-development. Perhaps this is what will make you interesting.
In fact, loneliness is not so scary, and you can live without friends if you don’t come across people with whom you feel good and comfortable. Alone, it is quite possible to engage in self-development, travel, read and learn foreign languages.
Get down to business
If you have a goal and a truly interesting business, there is no question of what to do if no one needs you. In addition, you will probably have like-minded people and friends who are ready to do this with you, because you will learn to inspire.
In general, if you want to make more friends, then you need to crawl out of your shell more often, go somewhere, visit interest groups. There will definitely be like-minded people there.
In general, in order not to feel unnecessary, sometimes it’s enough just to be among people, without even making contact with them. DO NOT hide from the world, go out into the light. But if you are an introvert, you don’t need to force yourself to go somewhere every day.
Become someone needed
As trivial as it may seem, sign up to volunteer and you will understand how many people really need you: children, old people, sick people. And you will fill the inner emptiness with love for the world.
Interesting things on the site:
How to find your love and where to meet the man of your dreams: places to meet and useful tips
How can a girl start online dating with a guy correctly?
Which men should you not deal with in building relationships?
Get a pet
And the point is not even that the dog or cat will be happy when they meet you and will need you and to communicate with you. Yes it is. But walking your dog in the park will also help you meet other dog lovers.
Have you seen dog walkers hanging out in parks? But families are even created there and strong friendships arise. You can adopt an animal from a shelter, or just from the street.
Make a scrapbook of memories
Look for your photos where you spend time with friends on vacation or concerts, where you are hugged by your parents, sisters, grandmothers... This will confirm that there will always be people who need you. Put it all together and watch it when you feel alone.
You can even create such an album not in paper form, but on your computer, in a separate folder. And there is no need to be upset if this happened in the past. Still, it was the same.
Love yourself
Whatever you are. Firstly, self-sufficient people are interesting to others and quite popular. Accept yourself as you are, you will not be able to radically reshape yourself and become a different person. Which means you need to accept: yes, I am like that.
Understand that there are people who will never be friends with you or date you. This is normal, you don’t perceive everyone either. This means there is no need to suffer because of it. Surely there are people who want to be friends with you, and there are probably many interesting personalities among them.
Learn to be positive
This also makes a person popular. And simply, if you think positively, sad thoughts will have no place in your head.
Look for like-minded people on the Internet
Perhaps this is a surrogate for real communication and an illusion, but not so much that you do not enjoy contacts with people who are similar to you. After all, it’s better to chat with a virtual friend in the evening than with no one at all.
You can join communities of interests: your favorite music, cinema or sports. There will always be a lot of positive communication there too.
Feel free to renew old contacts
You can calmly call old friends and acquaintances, and then they themselves will contact you. How do you know, maybe a friend with whom you have not been in contact for several years missed you very much and was waiting for you to make yourself known.
Look around you
And you will see many things that need your participation. Be interested in what is happening around you, and you will become interesting to people.
How to surround yourself with people who need you?
Advice from “Beautiful and Successful”: do not start your socialization by searching for “the one.” If it so happens that you don’t have any friends at the moment, then don’t rush to every new acquaintance with the hope that that intimate communication will develop with him.
Start by expanding your circle of acquaintances - let there be more new people around you, and then, after some time, you will probably become close to some of them.
Good options for finding new companies for informal communication:
- Volunteering. Any kind of volunteering is a great way to feel needed by those who need your help. Of course, not everyone can engage in psychologically difficult volunteering (for example, in hospices), but if you find an area where you feel you belong, then you will have like-minded colleagues and grateful wards.
- Volunteering related to travel. There are many such projects - you can volunteer and spend time with locals both in your own country and in other countries. If traveling doesn't scare you, you can look for these options.
- Social activism , participation in public organizations. Again, it’s a good option to be among like-minded people.
- Creative hobby. Almost all cities have their own musical, literary, and art parties, and if you have something to come there with, very soon purely creative interaction will develop into friendships. In addition, demonstrating your creativity gives a feeling of need to viewers/listeners/readers, that is, creative fulfillment.
- Teamwork. Not all work with people leads to informal bonding, but in creative teams where employees are truly united by what they work on, there are usually like-minded people with whom there is something to talk about.
- Dating websites. As banal as it may seem, yes. Even if you don’t meet the love of your life, at least you can find communication, dates and sex there without problems (if, of course, that’s what you want).
And don’t think that it’s too late for all this (or “they won’t take it”, “they won’t choose”, “they won’t accept”). If they really don’t accept you somewhere, they will accept you in another place and in another company. And there are no people who are “too old”, “totally untalented”, etc. – everyone can be needed by someone somewhere, the main thing is not to be afraid to look for your place and your people!
