At one of the hen parties, which for Russian women have long replaced group psychotherapy sessions, I witnessed a conversation worthy of being captured. One of the charming ladies told us a banal, at first glance, story about how she froze in delight when she saw the dream of her life in one of the stores - a wonderful coat, which, as it turned out after trying it on, was sewn by foreign craftsmen exclusively for her. The age-old questions: “Where can I get funds and how can I make sure my spouse can handle parting with money with dignity?” and had to be resolved by the assembled council of women. As a result, the following tactic was accepted with a bang, which, as it turned out, was used by highly experienced experts in male psychology and physiology more than once and, oddly enough, with great success: with a fading voice and always with a pleading intonation, tell your husband about your dream in precisely calculated time - in moments of complete satisfaction with life (what it will be - delicious food or something else, every wife knows well), while he is in a state of bliss and is ready to bestow favors on the whole world, including his wife. No sooner said than done, and soon we saw our friend in a new thing, pleased with herself and the world admiring her beauty. And as a calming agent for her husband, everyone took turns expressing their admiration for his nobility, generosity and care for his wife. This, in general, simple everyday story makes you think not so much about women’s tricks, but about the material and moral principles of family relationships.
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The hypothesis of resurrecting male patriarchy
Data from numerous sociological surveys indicate that despite radical social changes and the revaluation of the role of women, the modern Russian family has strong features of patriarchy and traditionalism, which increases in proportion to the role the head of the family plays in society.
What is a patriarchal family? The basis has always been the sexual and social dominance of men. Marriage in the traditional sense meant and implies a contract under which a man provides a woman with food, housing and defense, and she is responsible for the birth and preservation of offspring, caring for them and satisfying men’s psychological and sexual needs. This principle of family building underlies most cultures of the world.
In our country, during the Soviet period of its existence, a man was not able to provide a woman with a decent home, maintenance, or protection. It is no coincidence that psychologists today consider this situation to be the reason for the emergence of many male problems, not only social, but even sexual - among men with low and middle incomes. Uncertainty about the future forces us to establish strict control over family expenses. In this case, everything related to the distribution of money in the family is more or less clear: there are certain priorities: providing for children, paying for the apartment, etc. — other expenses are considered as indulgence of whims.
Much more interesting is another situation, which is closely related to the story told above - the financial security of the family and at the same time the financial dependence of the wife on her husband. Families in which the husband begins to earn money are gradually moving towards the traditional distribution of responsibilities between spouses. Why? The fact is that a man’s acquisition of HIGH social and material status contributes to the establishment of his dominant role in the family and the desire to determine policy, including monetary policy. Naturally, a woman is assigned a subordinate, dependent role, as it should be in the patriarchal model of marriage. Moreover, today the legal uncertainty of material and financial relations in rich families poses a number of problems that most Soviet families did not encounter. The fact is that now material relations in the family are regulated only by social (and not legal) norms, however, not yet established and not sealed by a contract. Often the husband does not consider that the money he earns also belongs to his wife. He simply gives her a certain amount.
Unlike his wife, the man is satisfied with the situation: he feels self-respect as the breadwinner of the family, for whom a non-working wife creates a comfortable living environment. The status of the sole breadwinner of the family is perceived as an attribute of masculinity, and the presence of money and the ability to manage it for a man is a symbol of his own wealth. Proof of this can be the often encountered situation when a husband, regardless of the interests of the family, squanders all the money on parties with friends. What is this connected with? In this case, money is the only way to gain the reputation a man needs among his friends, which is very important to him.
Why right now are there so many family problems associated with a man’s struggle for his status - career, money, sexual viability - sometimes contrary to common sense? It is impossible not to take into account the fact that the peculiarities of the economic development of our country for a long time did not allow our men to adequately realize themselves in terms of gaining social and financial stability, therefore many of our men must go through a period of neophyte - when the finally acquired financial freedom, perceived as a symbol of masculinity, becomes a priority . But the king must be played by those around him, so family members often become the first victims of the self-affirmation of the head of the family. Remember the numerous anecdotes about the “new Russians” - it is no coincidence that their wives constitute the most problematic part of psychologists’ patients.
How are these features of male psychology reflected in family relationships, if we talk about the material side of the issue that interests us? Here are some of the most common situations when a husband determines the scope of the family budget.
Polina:
“My husband doesn’t want me to work.
At the same time, he is guided by his ideas about the role and purpose of wives - he believes that a wife should take care of the house and children. He partly views me as a service person, but that comes naturally to me. He earns money, i.e. We serve each other." Tatyana:
“He doesn’t want me to work for reasons of prestige.
Since he earns well, then his wife should not work. And psychological comfort is also important to him: they say, I am the only breadwinner, I can come and put my feet on the table, because I support everyone. This may be rarely said in plain text, but it is implied, because it’s more convenient for him...” Marina:
“When I ask my husband for money, he, as a rule, gives it, and as much as I ask, but very often this is accompanied by various speeches.
He certainly wants to know why I need so much and where I put the previous amount. And although I seem to spend a little, I still have to report every time. In general, no one refuses, but this involves so much conversation that sometimes you once again think: oh well, again for half an hour the barrel organ. Every time he asks, and I explain, how much money I need for a week for groceries, and every time I have to say again why I need exactly that much...” Thus, the consequence of male self-sufficiency acquired (not least with the help of money) becomes economic woman's dependence on her husband. This dependence takes a variety of forms, including the form of monetary slavery, which manifests itself in the need to daily beg from your better half for money not only for running the house, but also for pocket expenses. And as a consequence - loss of a sense of self-confidence, self-esteem and self-sufficiency of the individual. Financial relations, namely the wife’s financial dependence on her husband, become a persistent cause of conflict in these families.
The situation is aggravated by our lack of a culture of non-working women in principle. For example, somewhere in America, in Europe, if a woman does not work, then she sits at home, with her children, with her family. Her relatives believe that this is a normal state of affairs, this is how it should be, she is in her place, everything is fine. Here, too, everyone thinks that everything is fine. But at the same time, they never forget to remind who is supporting whom here. That a woman sitting at home is happy, that is, she has been blessed. And why?
Natalya:
“Since I claim some part of his salary as personal money, which I can dispose of at my own discretion, he believes that for this I must earn it myself. Otherwise, he is at least trying to gain control over my expenses. My husband often says to me: “First of all, you sit at home, don’t do a damn thing: then, you have all the money you want, because they found you in the dust, washed you, warmed you up, put you here, showered you with money, and that means you still have raising your voice? But I should sit quietly, wash my feet and drink water and enjoy life.”
Jealousy
Don't get too jealous. If you feel worried or worried about what your loved one is doing, this will breed jealousy and paranoia. Simple eye contact with the waitress will turn into a conflict and you will want to control your boyfriend all the time. Trust is what will allow you to remain independent in a relationship.
Social independence
Man is a deeply social being, some to a greater extent, and some to a lesser extent. However, everyone has to live in a society of completely different people. Each person is unique in themselves, each has personal preferences and views on the world. To be socially independent means to accept the fact that your opinions and views are not the only ones and are not identical to the absolute truth.
Many people have this character trait and, as a result, remain on the sidelines of success. Because achieving any significant and significant results alone is an extremely difficult task. You will need a team of highly qualified specialists capable of performing volumes of work tens of times greater than what you can do on your own.
Social independence involves two features. The first is accepting the fact that society is structural and diverse. What may be taken for granted to you may seem completely stupid to others. The second feature involves resistance to so-called public opinion. You should not constantly follow the lead of public opinion. As you know, the opinion of the general public is a rather murky and rapidly changing concept. An independent person must have his own personal, established opinion regarding social concepts. However, this should not be confused with fanaticism about the importance of one’s own opinion. As you know, the person who never changed his views is stupid. Make your decision carefully.
You see, I am an independent person. Why do they require me to think the same thing today as I thought a month and a half ago? If this were so, my opinion would be my tyrant. © Stendhal, “Red and Black”
Boundaries in relationships
Stand up for yourself in relationships regarding those things that are important to your personality and that you do not want to sacrifice. Talk about what doesn't suit you and what boundaries you don't want to cross. It's much better than accepting something you don't like.
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Accept yourself as you are
Never say “I don’t care.” There is no need to try to advertise your indifference. This is not an indicator of your independence. How do you feel when you are told “I don’t care”? It becomes empty and cold inside. You cringe and protest. Most often to yourself, because the interlocutor “doesn’t care.” Just two words, but how deeply they penetrate the soul, dig into the heart like a splinter and remain to rot, sometimes reminding of themselves. A person cannot live without the confidence that someone needs him, that he is loved. He withers, worries, withdraws into himself, dies. The worst crime we can commit against people is not to hate them, but to treat them with indifference; This is the essence of inhumanity. Please, never say “I don’t care” © Ivan Okhlobystin
The above is not as simple as it might seem at first glance. A lot of people say they accept themselves, but this is often deceitful. Full acceptance of yourself in all aspects means getting rid of complexes at all levels. You can't do this in five minutes. You won’t be able to sit over a cup of coffee and say to yourself: “Well, now I don’t have a single complex regarding myself.” In order to get rid of the ghostly feeling of inferiority in any area, you should acquire some semblance of healthy egoism. By healthy selfishness, we mean understanding that for each of you the most important or one of the most important factors should be your own well-being.
Since childhood, we have been taught that selfishness is a very bad and even unacceptable quality. A good person cannot be selfish. And examples were given of forms of absolute egoism, when a person is completely indifferent to the environment in which he lives, which means he can achieve any of his goals in the most immoral ways. With healthy egoism the situation is different. You should understand that taking care of yourself is no less important than taking care of the people close to you. Healthy egoism stipulates that you must monitor your body, physical and spiritual health, and also take measures for constant personal self-improvement.
Be persistent
In order to become an independent person, you simply need emotional stability. The modern world throws you a huge number of challenges. Sometimes there are periods in life when unpleasant moments alternate one after another. There are broken contracts, failure of third parties to fulfill obligations to you, difficult situations in the family or personal life.
Being in constant emotional depression, it is difficult to become an independent person. Therefore, you should learn to control your emotions and not allow circumstances to be stronger than you. It is difficult to put pressure on an independent person, since his emotional stability neutralizes any attempts. It should be said that this is not a matter of several hours or even days. At first, you should not neglect the help of professionals, psychologists or psychotherapists.
Good specialists have been trained for many years in all sorts of ways to maintain that same emotional stability. By using the services of an experienced professional, you can significantly reduce the time it takes to become an emotionally stable person, and therefore independent. You still have to learn how to do it. The only difference is whether you choose the fast or slow path. A person who has some emotional fortitude has a much easier time influencing other people, and this is certainly an important position for an independent person to take.
Workout
Exercise regularly and focus on activities that improve your health. A good figure will not only make your partner admire you, but will also help you boost your self-confidence. People often become lazy in relationships. Focusing on your health will not only benefit you and your partner, but will also maintain your independence.
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Financial independence is one of the fundamental aspects
True personal freedom is impossible without economic security and independence. Hungry unemployed people are cadres for dictatorship © Franklin Roosevelt
You can be an exemplary family man, an emotionally stable person, anyone, but if your financial well-being, in your understanding, does not depend on you, you are far from independent. The modern market economy is not the fairest mechanism; it often malfunctions, plunging millions into poverty, and at the same time making dozens of the richest people. But the market economy and capitalism in general work according to a completely honest postulate - to each according to his intelligence and abilities.
You must determine the criteria for your financial independence yourself. You don't need to earn millions of dollars a day to be financially independent. Financial independence means not being completely tied to a security environment that may influence your decisions. In other words, financial independence arises at the moment when you move from the issue of living on a specific amount to the issue of saving. If you live from paycheck to paycheck, which is often not enough for you, if you have to cut down on essential expenses, you are a financially dependent person.
Financial independence means that you are able to independently organize your life or your family, if you have one.
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Undoubtedly, at first it will be difficult for you not to constantly sacrifice yourself - after all, this has been your usual state for so many years! But it is imperative to make it clear to all your relatives that you will now have your own time and your own interests. You will see for yourself that when an outlet appears in your life, for example, in the form of a forgotten hobby or a long-awaited job, the voids in your soul that came from nowhere will be filled. And in a completely incomprehensible way, this will not make your soul feel heavier; on the contrary, it will become much easier. You are in demand, you can realize your abilities and talents - that’s great!
As soon as your inner world comes into harmony, your family life will become stronger, more stable and much calmer. Remember that your personal life is your independent space, where you should not depend on anyone! Good luck!
What does it mean to be independent from your husband?
A wife will be independent of her husband if she clearly understands what it means to be independent in the full sense of the word. Independence is based on such criteria as:
- independence;
- self-sufficiency;
- responsibility;
- openness and courage;
- awareness;
- choice and desire;
- power and right.
Every person has the right to be independent from anyone, and he receives this right only if he has willpower and the desire to make his choice consciously. And to take the first steps towards this, you need inner openness, courage and responsibility for your actions. Not everyone will make such a decision, but only independent and self-sufficient individuals. (highlighted words in color) As you can see, in order to become independent from your husband, you need to cultivate all these qualities in yourself.
What to do to become financially independent from your husband
Even housewives, if they wish, can become financially independent from their husbands. It is quite possible to combine housekeeping and raising children with self-development and self-education. There are so many opportunities to run your own independent business right from home! And this will not distract the woman from her daily duties at all. The main thing is to find yourself in activities that:
- more likely;
- better suited for remote work;
- helps develop character traits such as independence;
- has prospects for development.
It’s easy to make any hobby your job if you approach it with enthusiasm and show firmness and strength of character. Do you sew toys or are you interested in making foam products? Do you speak a foreign language well or have you graduated from a pedagogical academy? Do you have mastery of words or do you know everything about beauty and health? Welcome to the Internet. Today, remote work is a priority more than ever.
Have you completed a stylist or barber course? Do you know various types of massage perfectly or do you know how to get along well with children? Then you can easily combine housekeeping with receiving clients at home or set up a mini-kindergarten at your place. Give music lessons or cooking classes, compose novels and write books. Or run your own blog (website, YouTube) on the Internet, sharing the knowledge of a designer or stylist.
It’s easy to become a financially independent housewife if you want. You will see that the husband will appreciate the efforts of such a wife as they deserve, and an unexpected financial collapse will not take him by surprise.
What to do to avoid being psychologically dependent on your husband
While it is easier to become independent financially, it is much more difficult to stop depending on your husband emotionally. Love is evil, people say, but what to do when your affection and loyalty are reciprocated with violence and betrayal?
First of all, a woman needs to learn to distinguish her love for her husband from painful psychological dependence on him, from his presence in her life. A dependent person does not know how to think and assess situations adequately. He doesn’t see betrayal, doesn’t see lies, doesn’t see bullying. An addicted woman reasons like this: he’s nearby, which means everything is good, but he’s not around – that’s bad. There are many reasons for this “not seeing” situations. The main thing is to get out of the problem without stress and mental losses. To avoid disappointments in family life:
- learn to accept yourself as you are;
- engage in your self-education and spiritual growth;
- maintain your own opinion, independent of others;
- get rid of the fear of losing your dependence on your loved one;
- learn to understand what it means to love and be truly loved.
Only mutual respect and understanding allow a wife and husband to avoid quarrels and scandals in the family and live in love and peace.
“I want to become independent!”
The desire is understandable, but what to do:
Realize and admit dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs. Analyze your weaknesses and strengths. What does a woman need to become free and independent? Draw up a plan to make your dream come true. If only the relationship with her husband is not satisfactory, the woman believes that he does not value her, does not regret her and violates her rights as an individual to talk to her husband and discuss problems and pain points.
Despite the fact that a person has the power to create an entire world in his mind, this ability will not save him from specific problems. If a woman suddenly wants independence from her husband, and before that she didn’t want anything like that, then she needs to discuss the new desire with her husband. No amount of psychological tricks will get rid of a direct conversation about family problems. Therefore, before a woman says to herself: “I want to become independent,” she needs to think about whether she is ready for an open conversation about problems. Becoming free and independent is difficult not only financially, but psychologically.
Learn to be alone
Loneliness is as important as love, affection and other social relationships. Carla Sanchez, wellness expert and co-founder of The Holistic Concept, notes that loneliness is a natural and necessary state. “Certain life events are inevitable and part of our personal growth. For this reason, learning to be alone is a great tool when it comes to coping with stress, loss, knowing yourself better and building relationships with yourself,” explains the expert.
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Make your own decisions
You have the opportunity to make your choice yourself, without being guided by the opinions of others. From a young age, every person is told what to do, think and how to act. Many people are unable to get out of this state when a stronger personality is required to perform certain actions. Becoming a full-fledged individual is possible only by being financially and emotionally independent. And if you refuse to shift responsibility onto the shoulders of others, then you will confirm your independence.
Always strive for more
Every person should move towards his goal, but not many are able to continue moving after what they have achieved.
Independent people cannot live without the desire to constantly climb the social ladder. Never stand still and develop spiritually and physically. If after a couple of years of your working life nothing has really changed in your life, then you are definitely doing something wrong. Even if the result does not immediately make itself felt, never stop developing your skills. And if, in addition to everything, you competently form your business reputation, then your value as an individual will increase many times over.
