I want to be good to everyone!
What does it mean? This means that you have a strong conviction in your soul. For example: “ Love to be good for everyone .” Beliefs are our (usually unconscious) attitudes. Which guide how we will live our lives.
All beliefs are divided into two groups:
Useful for us, helping us survive. And, unhelpful, harmful . Which hinder our effective survival.
What is typical is that the same belief can be useful in some situations, but in others it can be harmful. That's why it's so important to track your beliefs. Because understanding them gives us the opportunity to control where we can apply them and where it is better to abandon them. So as not to cause harm.
But let’s return to the “I want to be good for everyone” attitude. Where did she come from?
First reason
Of course, from childhood, from upbringing. For such a child, parents, grandparents, and educators often reinforced obedience, politeness, and friendliness. They said: “ be a good girl for everyone ”!
At the same time, there was a ban on expressing one’s negative feelings. Such as anger, resentment, anger. It was behavior that was encouraged when the child was comfortable and good. However, this approach to education leads to the fact that the grown child cannot adequately defend his boundaries. Doesn't know how to say no.
The second reason for this attitude is deeper
The attitude of “pleasing everyone” arises in response to some traumatic childhood situation. In which the child felt unwanted, unloved, rejected. And he was in unbearable pain.
However, the psyche knows how to protect children from unbearable pain. Inventing various loopholes. Which allow the child to feel valuable after all. Even though the traumatic situation broke this feeling.
The desire to please everyone, and especially significant people, is one of the options for mental compensation to gain a sense of self-worth, even if you are rejected, humiliated or abandoned.
And then you inevitably wonder:
Want to make the world a better place? Start with yourself!
Start changing today! Many people have some dream or would like to achieve some goal; but most of them postponed their dreams and goals “until better times.” They are wrong - there is no better time to achieve a goal than now. Only by taking a step today can we bring our “better tomorrow” closer.
When you decide to change for the better, set specific goals for yourself. Try to keep your goals realistic, otherwise you will set yourself up for failure. Agree - if you suffer from shyness, then you should not set yourself the goal of becoming a real speaker in a month. In your case, you need to first increase your self-confidence, and only then start learning public speaking skills. Unreasonably high goals will lead you to failure, and failure, in turn, will turn you away from trying to improve yourself. By setting yourself a realistically achievable goal, you can move closer to achieving your goal every day, step by step.
When you achieve one goal, congratulate yourself, be sure to reward yourself with something pleasant. And set your next goal, this time raising the bar higher and challenging yourself to achieve more. After all, with the completion of the first task, your self-confidence has also strengthened! When you learn to challenge yourself, you will be able to do much more than you ever thought possible and will have a clear vision of how to improve.
How to be good to everyone?
Surely, you have tried many times to use different options for goodness. They read something and tried to use it. Attended trainings. We grew above ourselves. You are trying to be for everyone:
- Sociable
- Attentive
- Dear
- funny
- Generous
- Helping
- Friendly
- Good
- Host
- Smart
- Pleasant to look at
- Non-conflict
Moreover, the task is always complicated by the fact that it is necessary to please completely different people. They have different ideas about what is good and what is bad.
One person may think that it is good when you are keenly interested in his affairs and mood. And another in the same situation may think that it’s good when you don’t pry into his soul with your curiosity.
One may think that you are good when you cut the salad neatly and beautifully. For others, it doesn’t matter, the main thing is fast, not beautiful.
See where we've come? —
Why is this syndrome dangerous?
Why is this phenomenon dangerous? First of all, because sooner or later it leads to emotional exhaustion, when a person feels unhappy all the time. Any little thing can throw you off balance, for example, an unpleasant conversation with a neighbor in the morning can ruin the entire coming day.
On the topic: Advice from a psychologist: how to meet true love
Any activity will not bring the desired result, because only the result is important, and not the process itself. There is a constant fixation on little things, repeated replaying of the same failure in the brain, and emotional instability.
You won't be good to everyone!
Can you be good to everyone? No matter how it is! And it’s not at all about your personality characteristics or external data. The point is precisely that the people for whom we are trying to be good have different personal characteristics of their own.
Working as a psychologist, I understand how diverse and amazing the world of people is. How diverse is their internal psychological content? Everyone's individual experience matters:
- What kind of family did he have, mom, dad?
- What kind of friends did he have in childhood and now?
- What did he like to do as a child and what is interesting to him now?
- What are his own beliefs and attitudes?
- What is good for him, what is bad for him?
And we can certainly be good. But only for some people. The one with whom we connect will coincide. Let's approach like a key to a lock.
What part of people is this?
During consultations, I usually give the example of the Normal Distribution Curve. This is a mathematical model that shows how features and frequencies are distributed in our world.
According to it, about 14% of people will like us. 2% may even like us a lot. Even without doing anything about it. And, just as accurately, 14% of people will not like us. 2% - we won’t like you very much. At least we will work until we lose our pulse. The remaining approximately 68% will remain indifferent to us. That we exist, that we do not exist, is indifferent to them. Whether we try or not to please them, they won’t even notice.
Did you get the idea?
Summing up
“By shining for others, I burn myself” - this is the motto, the life credo of truly worthy people. This is their way of thinking, which determines every action, every mental movement. Are those who constantly feed stray animals, treat them at their own expense, and place them in good hands, kind? Without a doubt! Is a young guy a good guy if he spares no time in taking a lonely elderly woman who lives a few blocks away from him for walks? And walk for free! Yes, of course he is good. Positive, best, best, most good - we can address these epithets to those who, behind their own deeds and plans, see the destinies of others and try to actively do good.
You can't be good to everyone
You don't have to be good to everyone! What do you need then? You need two things: to be good for yourself and to be good for your loved ones.
Be good to yourself
It’s not for nothing that I put MYSELF first, because it’s more important. Why? Because there is an unshakable psychological law: if you are convinced deep down in your soul that you are a good person, if you have order with your self-esteem, if you believe in yourself. Then, you automatically broadcast this message to the outside world.
And then those around you read it from you. After that, according to the principle of a reflecting mirror, they give feedback, the opposite attitude. Simply put, how we treat ourselves, how much we love ourselves, is how much those around us love us.
Be good to loved ones and important people
There is nothing wrong with growing above yourself as a subject of a relationship. On the contrary, I believe it is a sign of personal maturity when a person improves his relationship skills.
For example, a woman takes care of her appearance, health and watches courses on how to become a good lover to her beloved man, her husband. Or, a man studies the question of how girls understand attention. And how to provide it correctly so that the wife is always happy.
Or, moms and dads use the latest knowledge in the field of psychology and pedagogy to raise a happy, successful child. Or, regardless of gender, a person studies the techniques of practical co-conflictology. And then he understands that the best way to behave in conflicts is mutually satisfying cooperation.
Being good to your loved ones is important and necessary. Because relationships are not dandelions growing on their own. Relationships require investment. Only in this case, with equal contributions from both sides, can we count on a happy, loving, long-term relationship.
Others already have plans for you
Friday evening. You just came home from work in a mock office, where you made another goose statue out of paper scraps, tears and sweat for your boss so that he would have something to do while you are on the weekend. You are tired, and all your thoughts come down to your favorite hobby - playing computer games, reading Dostoevsky, sitting in a cozy chair in a cozy room in a cozy home, spending time in silence alone with yourself and for your own benefit.
But others have their own plans for you. People around you expect you to be modest, friendly and always ready to give up your seat for them on public transport and in life. Friends have already planned an evening gathering at the bar. Your parents expect you to become a successful “son of your mother’s friend” in every way, with a honors diploma, your own car and an apartment. Girl - when you take the position of boss. And the boss himself - new goose statues, as tall and as large as possible.
You won't disappoint them, will you?
Of course you won't disappoint. It is much easier to advance your desires than the desires of friends and loved ones. And only a truly strong-willed person can say no to the team and not drown in its spit. Therefore, your favorite volume will remain unread and your cozy chair will remain empty while you feign joy and interest at the next family gathering with distant relatives and in a boring bar, or work overtime for a more symmetrical goose statue or promotion.
Only a strong person can say no to the team and not drown in its spit.
And, yes, we are not talking about a goose, a chair and a book - these are nuances that everyone has their own. This is not about weakness. We're talking about the influence of the "should" attitude.
How to be a good friend to everyone?
Well, let’s say I convinced you that you will never be good to everyone . And then, you may still have the desire to be a friend. Let's see what we have here.
What does it mean to you to be a friend? Be useful? Come to help on time, on the first call? Be able to support and sympathize when he has problems and calls you at three in the morning? If yes, then I have sad news. This attitude towards friends suggests that one day they will sit on your neck. Because “they ride whoever is lucky.” The saying goes like this.
At the same time, have you noticed that such friendship is not valued? Or rather, it is valued, but only as long as a person needs help. But as soon as everything gets better for him, he disappears.
What to do? Perhaps it was not possible to be good to everyone. But you can remain good precisely for those who love you not only for your friendly help. Ah, he sees you as a person! Appreciates your spiritual characteristics. And, ready to communicate with you. Even if you are of no use to him, just communicate. At the same time, enjoying it.
Don’t rush to say that this is impossible. Think about the bell curve for traits. 14% will like us a priori. Our most important task is to weed out people who are simply taking advantage of us. And, leave those who see us and love us. For our own psychological benefit and peace of mind. The desire to be good for everyone is in the firebox !
Here is the answer to the question:
How to completely change yourself in 12 months and become better than you are
At one fine moment in my life, I realized that something was missing in me: you seem to be living, but something is wrong and wrong. I looked at myself from the outside and in the mirror, went through one strong training on my own, read a couple of educational books. I made disappointing conclusions that I have a bunch of bad habits, I devote almost no time to my health, I am not popular with girls, my level of disorganization is off the charts, and in addition, I often avoid solving complex life problems.
After realizing this fact, something in me switched and pulled me forward: of course, not immediately, but movement began towards the goal - to become better than I am. I took this feeling and worked on myself for 12 months. Now I can say with confidence that the algorithm below works, and I would like to share it with Lifehacker readers.
It doesn't matter how many days are in your life, what matters is how much life is in your days!
Sport
It all starts with sports and its implementation in your life. We start with basic exercises, but you need to do them every day. These are simple exercises: squats, abdominal presses (lifting the body), push-ups. It all starts with repetition 5 times and increases by 1 time every day; you can do two repetitions a day. In a month, you will be doing 35 squats, 35 abdominal exercises, and 35 push-ups. Then you can increase the number of repetitions as needed, but be sure to do it every day.
Every person needs to find his own sport, and you shouldn’t follow fashion: everyone runs, that means running, everyone does yoga, that means yoga. Look for a sport that suits you completely: loads, interest, time, financial component, people. It should become an extension of your essence.
Over the course of a year, I tried yoga, the gym, boxing, running, swimming, jiu-jitsu, aikido, and cycling. At the same time, I practiced several types for several months. It was a great time, because it was definitely beneficial for my health, and I also understood more and more what exactly I wanted from sports.
My choice fell on jiu-jitsu and swimming - this is the basis of my sports development. Now this has been for the rest of my life, since the pleasure I get in my classes is difficult to express in words, and my success in this field only reinforces this conviction.
Books
You will have to read and read a lot. An excellent result is 40–50 books per year. I read 42 books and understand that 50 books a year is realistic. The main thing is to read without stopping. And, of course, don’t watch TV and don’t spend too much time on social networks.
Read only to develop your mind: psychology, Russian and foreign classics, self-development, finance - no pulp or entertaining books.
Take notes on the gist of what you read, what impressed you or didn’t like in the book, memorize the quotes. This way you train your memory and can always surprise your interlocutors with clever sayings from books.
Ayn Rand’s book “Atlas Shrugged” greatly influenced me with its fundamentality and strong dialogues, as well as situations similar to events from my life.
My morality, the morality of reason, is contained in one axiom: reality exists in one choice - to live. Everything else flows from here. To live, a person must consider three things to be the highest and decisive values: Reason, Purpose, Self-Respect. Reason as the only instrument of knowledge, Purpose as the choice of happiness, which this instrument must achieve, Self-respect as the indestructible confidence that he is able to think and his personality is worthy of happiness, which means worthy of life. These three values require all the virtues of man, and all his virtues are related to the relationship of existence and consciousness: rationality, independence, purity, honesty, justice, efficiency, pride.
Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged
Discipline
What distinguishes a strong personality from an ordinary person is discipline. Regardless of your mood, motivation, external circumstances, family relationships, do what is necessary at a given moment in time.
Learn to swim against the tide of life circumstances, educate yourself so that your internal state does not depend on what is happening around you. It was very difficult and everything did not work out right away, as there were breakdowns. But again and again I moved forward with the support of loved ones and the inner desire to go through this path at all costs.
Where can I start? From the morning ritual. Here is the simplest and most effective method for honing discipline: when the alarm clock rings, get up immediately, wash your face, turn on music, do exercises with strength exercises, then a contrast shower, a healthy breakfast (without fried or sweet foods) and reading a book (you can do it on the way to the office) .
You need to do this until you can do it automatically and without forcing yourself. It took me 3 months, sometimes, of course, there were failures, especially after overloaded days. I recommend that anyone who wants to change their lifestyle develop their own morning ritual.
We must learn to control ourselves: our speech, gait, gaze and gestures. Wherever you are, at home, at work, at the gym, you should exude confidence and act without unnecessary fuss. Remember the principle of feedback: even if you don’t feel that way, this feeling of confidence and discipline will come.
A very useful exercise for developing inner strength - despite all your natural fears, do not take your eyes off your interlocutor, from passing people who look into your eyes. I won’t lie, martial arts classes helped me with this. But it’s also good to look with a warm gaze, showing that you are friendly.
To educate myself, I learned to deny myself pleasures: bars, alcohol, sweets, cigarettes, impulse purchases, idleness, empty conversations at work. This may not happen right away, but you need to think about it all the time, work in this direction. And one day I said to myself: “Yes, I haven’t drunk alcohol for three months and haven’t eaten sweets for two months.”
I attended sports classes or courses despite my mood, circumstances, weather and my motivation. I made a schedule and followed it, throwing away all my favorite excuses. I liked coming to the gym when others were stopped by something and when there were like-minded people who were ready to support me in these endeavors.
And most importantly, you need to learn to control yourself when little is happening and there is chaos all around. Be an island of calm and cool endurance.
Finance
Keep a financial journal. Keep it going for a month, two, three and don’t stop. And don’t just manage it, but analyze every month what goes where, why and how to fix it.
I had a lot of expenses on coffee - 1,300 rubles a month. I realized that it was time to reduce the amount, and now the level of spending on coffee is 600 rubles per month. Coffee is my weakness that I don’t want to get rid of.
Many people say that a magazine is a useless thing: “I already know how much I spend and earn.” And you try to keep it for 1 year with accurate analysis and charts and you will see the whole picture of your financial literacy or illiteracy.
Keep yourself in financial asceticism, stop buying what you don’t need or what is imposed by advertising and friends. Most of our purchases are useless and will not be useful in life, and we can quite easily do without them.
Find additional income, even if it is small, but it will motivate you to even greater achievements. Let it be an increased workload, additional work (of any format), freelancing, selling unnecessary things, training other people. The mistake of the majority is that everyone wants a lot of money in the initial stages, but that doesn’t happen. You don’t earn a lot at work right away, so everything in life is gradual.
Relationship
This point applies more to men who have not found their soul mate or do not even want it, which is what I was. If you are alone and have a lot of time, develop the skill of meeting girls. Register on dating sites, meet people in cafes and on the street, chat in the gym, ask friends about girls you know.
Try different communication strategies: gentleman, macho, shy, sporty guy. Meet girls smarter than you, admit it, win them over.
In various situations, not everything will work out: the wrong words, the wrong method, the wrong person, failures in bed. But don’t stop, this should strengthen you.
And over time, you will learn to understand the opposite sex, learn to easily start a conversation, and make beautiful compliments. Girls will often reciprocate and feel that you are an interesting personality. But don’t be self-confident, look for someone who will appreciate your qualities “without cuts”, and be devoted and faithful to her.
To put it simply - love, suffer, conquer, break up and start over. Become someone you want to spend time with, with whom you will be comfortable in any situation, be able to understand and listen to the other person. And remember that your significant other can always leave you, so enjoy every moment together.
Skills
Start developing skills you didn't have before: for example, breaststroke, speed typing, context planning, defensive driving. Master them, find a mentor on the topic, get training. Such achievements develop a personality and make it multifaceted.
You will also learn to intentionally step out of your comfort zone and overcome fear, which will later become your driving force. All great achievements begin with small victories over yourself.
Over the past 12 months, I have done things that I have never done before: heavy strength training, meditation, training with children, conducting trainings, asceticism.
Spirituality
Determine your values in life, create internal and social rules for yourself, find your “I”.
Finally, find the answer to the eternal question: “Why am I here? What is my mission?
How? Ask yourself important questions, don’t look at other people who are drifting like a boat on the ocean, become a guide for both yourself and others. Read spiritual books, visit spiritual places and, finally, create your own picture of the world order. This is very important, so you will become unshakable and you will have your own faith. Not the one that is shown in the media, but precisely the inner one.
Most people are afraid to ask themselves difficult questions and close themselves off with materialism, like I did in my time, but this is a dead-end branch of development. You can’t close yourself off with things and the bustle of everyday life; they won’t give you the happiness that you will feel when you find something important inside that will lead you further.
Useful habits
As you break bad habits and make structural changes, you will need other habits—and they better be good ones.
For example, if you talk a lot, learn to be silent and listen to your interlocutor, even when your tongue is itching - remain silent.
If you eat a lot of sweets, replace them with nuts or dried fruits, do not eat so much chocolate and cookies, and drink sweet tea.
Books are a great way to save yourself from TV and Internet addiction. The brain just doesn’t want to “liquefy” anymore.
If you don’t have anything planned and everything happens just like that, keep a notebook and write down all your tasks for the day, week, month. Write down the thoughts that come to you, fresh ideas, describe events and people. Keep records and analysis of your life.
If you smoke, quit and immediately get into a sport, preferably one where your lungs work the hardest to get all the tar out of you.
Algorithm for structural self-change in 12 months
- Sports activity every day. Decide on your sport for a long time, do it, no matter what, for a whole year.
- Read a lot of books, 3–4 per month. Write down a summary of what you read.
- Develop discipline. Deny yourself pleasures. Stay calm when things are stormy. Try to deny yourself something every month.
- Develop financial literacy. Keep a financial journal and find extra income throughout the year.
- If you are single, look for your soul mate and develop the skill of seduction. If you are no longer alone, fall in love again with your chosen one.
- Learn new skills you didn't know before. Preferably - 1 skill in 2 months.
- Find the answer to what you are here for, even an approximate one - it will be good. Spend as much time on this as you think is necessary.
- Get good habits instead of bad ones. This is everyday work.
Victory over yourself is true success in life.
Change is difficult, but possible. The main thing is to want to set yourself interesting (and not so interesting) goals and achieve them, no matter what. Everything will not work out right away, there will be misfires and breakdowns, but the vector of movement must be maintained, and you will definitely break through the barrier of your weakness.
If you think that this requires motivation or money, you are mistaken: you only need one pure desire to become better than you are, and time, which is already so little in our lives. But remember, there is no limit to perfection, this is constant work on yourself, and it continues until the end of your days. A developed personality lives much happier than those who are weak in front of themselves and retreat before life’s circumstances.
Is it good to be good to everyone?
Watch yourself. What happens to you when you try to be good to everyone? Just be honest. Are you achieving peace of mind? Peace? Do you feel better after this?
I accept the possibility that by pleasing another, you feel better for a while. But not for long. Why? Will explain. Because the need to be good for everyone and the strong desire to please others speaks of one’s own deep-seated lack of self-esteem.
To make it clear: imagine that deep down in your soul you firmly believe in your uniqueness and originality. And that you are good enough to be loved, needed and successful.
Now, think about it. If a person is confident within himself, then why does he need external confirmation? After all, it is the pursuit of external confirmation from other people that makes us so obsequious and “good”!
And how will you feel if you stop worrying about how to be a good person to everyone? Perhaps the enormous burden that you have been carrying for many years will fall from your shoulders? Because trying to be good to everyone is very, very, very mentally taxing. We spend a huge amount of energy there. And, as we have already found out, there is simply no point.
@Ekaterina Aleksandrovna Kholodova is a practicing psychologist. You can make an appointment with me for a consultation Online (via Skype, Viber) or in person
Monitor your influence on others
Everything we do or say has consequences. Even strangers are subject to negative influence. For example, if you make a scandal in public places, vent your anger at a salesperson, or honk your car horn loudly. Those around them then pour out their negativity on the next victims, which causes tension to grow. Over time, the general tension turns into a snowball.
Try to be polite even to those who treat you badly. This way you will not only be able to change the attitude of others towards you, but also will not give them the opportunity to demonstrate their negative qualities: who will vent their anger if they are treated with respect.
How to stop being good to everyone
I hope that in this article I have convinced you that you shouldn’t be good to everyone . For many reasons. Home – it’s simply unrealistic, it’s impossible to be good to everyone! And, if you read everything carefully, then you probably have the right puzzle in your head about what to do in the future.
Get away from this. Hear yourself, tell yourself firmly: I’m tired of being good to everyone!
Ruthlessly give up your habits that please everyone. You need to understand that you have one life. And, it flows very quickly. And, over the years, it gets faster and faster. Do you want to spend it trying over and over again to be good to everyone, but not getting anything special in return?
Stages of self-improvement
The main thing, according to the poet, is not to be in “holy ignorance”, not to turn a blind eye to the troubles and problems of the people around you, not to be indifferent, not to live in a “hut on the edge”. Keeping your soul in a “black body”, dragging it “from stage to stage”, like a convict, means not being afraid to inflict mental trauma on yourself. If you see injustice, fight it. Even if you pay for it. They offend your neighbor, the weak, the defenseless - intercede, don’t be afraid. Your own shirt is not always closer to your body. This postulate should be one of the first to be learned if you are really interested in how to become better than others. A restless conscience, anxiety for the world, for people, for nature also belong to the “work of the soul.” Your heart should not harden, become covered with a stone shell that cannot be burned through by the tears of suffering, sorrow and human disasters. But empathy must be effective and active! You can't go far with words alone!
To get away from this belief, you need to:
- Analyze situations (as many as you can remember) when such behavior bothered you
- Identify patterns (repeated patterns of behavior) that you have been using
- Starting today, track their appearance in your behavior.
- Watch them, block them
- Look what it led to
- You see that nothing terrible happened - Hurray! - We rejoice
- Reinforce by repetition
- And, MOST IMPORTANTLY, improve your self-esteem and self-love. Because the more sincerely we love ourselves, the less we need the approval of others. And, accordingly, you are no longer a person who wants to be good for everyone.
Conclusion: Don't try to be good to everyone. Strive to be the best for yourself. And strive to maintain warm, loving relationships with loved ones. Those who see you. Who appreciates you?
@Ekaterina Aleksandrovna Kholodova. My CHANNEL in ZEN - subscribe!
Is it worth becoming a better friend?
You can continue the list of qualities that you would like to develop or improve in yourself. Your desire to become better than others is worthy of respect - you do not want to stand still, you have some goals, and you know what you want to achieve from life and from yourself. This means you have a great chance of achieving what you want. Just don't try to be better than someone else. Moreover, better friends. If she feels that you are jealous of her and trying to compete with her, she simply will not be able to trust you anymore. As a result, you will lose a trusted friend. Every person is unique and inimitable, so be yourself and just become better.
