Loneliness is a condition that many people fear. After all, it seems as if no one needs you, there is a cross on you, you cannot communicate with others, which means you are deprived of many of the joys of life. Moreover, today a paradoxical situation often arises when a person feels lonely and unnecessary, even when he is among a large number of people and closely interacting with society. As various modern studies note, loneliness can now seriously shorten a person’s life and in this it will give a head start to even traditional catalysts: diseases of various organs, bad habits and unhealthy diet. About why this happens and how the situation can be corrected, AiF. ru told by psychologist, women's coach, author of her own method for working through psychological trauma from childhood and false beliefs in adults Irina Maslova-Semenova .
What is loneliness?
In psychology, loneliness is an emotional state, the main symptom of which is the absence of a trusting relationship with another person. Usually there are some social or psychological prerequisites for this. This condition can occur even in people who are not alone in life. They may have a family and several friends with whom they meet periodically. But at the same time, they have no one to “vent their souls out” to, since there is no friend with the necessary level of trust.
Every person has a need for communication. And if for some reason she cannot be satisfied, this is loneliness. Sometimes this is prevented by the reluctance to get close to other people, and sometimes by the inability to meet a “soul mate”. The very feeling of loneliness appears when a person realizes that he is not receiving the necessary attention, understanding, or simply close and trusting communication.
You can feel lonely even while communicating with a loved one, suddenly realizing that there is no desired level of understanding or emotional connection. He seems to be listening, but he doesn’t hear.
Thus, loneliness is the inability to satisfy the need for emotional intimacy. Some people lack romantic feelings, some lack true friendship, and others lack a loved one to whom they could entrust their emotional experiences.
How can a woman cope with loneliness after 30? Advice from psychologists
Lonely middle-aged ladies often give up on themselves and stop being active. They should remember how they behaved at 15, 18, 20 years old. After all, there were options for spending leisure time, new acquaintances happened, life was filled with meetings, partings, events, impressions. Why did all this go away? Because women themselves began to behave differently.
What to do? Psychologists advise the following:
- remember or re-find your own “I” - interests, hobbies, hobbies, etc.;
- make long-standing desires or dreams come true, for example, to travel to another country;
- revive old friendships, even if the meeting does not lead to anything, it will broaden your horizons, give new impressions, knowledge, experience;
- visit public places - cafes, concerts, holidays, exhibitions, performances;
- walk in parks, on the embankment, and if this causes discomfort, then you can take a camera or a dog with you;
- visit shopping centers more often, you don’t need to constantly shop, you should just be among people.
Of course, you can get a dog or register on a dating site. These are also good options for driving out loneliness from your life.
Types of loneliness
Loneliness can be forced or voluntary. The first case is possible if a person is for some reason limited in his ability to communicate with other people. People can voluntarily expose themselves to loneliness if they are hampered by complexes or some secrets, because of which they do not want to get close to anyone. And some people occasionally have a desire to be completely alone in order to take a break from the communication and intrusiveness of others.
From a scientific point of view, there are the following types of loneliness:
- Psychological. Lack (and feeling of lack) of trusting communication. The inability to feel emotional closeness with another person due to personality traits or internal conflict.
- Physical. This may be the typical desire of a lonely person to wake up in the morning in someone's warm arms. And sometimes people simply lack the feeling that other people are physically present nearby (in the room).
- Social. This type of loneliness manifests itself in a lack of connection with any social environment. The reasons may vary. Sometimes a person simply cannot find a society in which he is comfortable. Sometimes his complexes prevent him from believing that someone might be interested in him.
- Chronic. Sometimes people, for various reasons, remain lonely for a long time and get used to the fact that there is no one around. All three types of loneliness listed above can become chronic.
- Situational. This condition can occur if a person gets into trouble and realizes that he will have to cope alone. It also happens the other way around: something good happens, and he is upset that there is no one to share the moment of triumph with.
The importance of participating in your partner's activities and hobbies
If a lover or lover is too keen on a certain activity, hobby or entertainment, this should not be regarded as a disaster. Perhaps in this case it is better to look for common ground. For example, if your wife started her own business of sewing and selling clothes, you should not blame her for devoting too much time to this business. Her husband or lover can take part in her endeavor, provide assistance and thereby get rid of isolation.
Reasons for loneliness
Feelings of loneliness can arise for various reasons - both internal and external. Let's look at the main factors that lead people to this state.
Family conflicts
Misunderstanding and tension in family relationships gradually lead to the fact that people dear to each other become increasingly distant emotionally. Conflicts gradually brew, strong disagreements arise, and painful grievances are expressed. Over time, one has to admit that the former mutual understanding and spiritual closeness no longer exist.
This is how a person develops an internal feeling of complete emotional loneliness, although formally he is not alone. It becomes difficult for him to think about the future, self-esteem decreases and the desire to strive for something disappears. You can get out of this state only by restoring the level of trust in the family.
Misunderstanding from loved ones
Lack of understanding from loved ones is a difficult test. Left alone with his thoughts and experiences, a person feels disappointed and empty. It seems to him that no one is interested in his feelings, which means that no one needs him himself. It is at this moment that he truly understands what loneliness is. He realizes that he does not have a person who would want to share his experiences with him, would understand him and support him.
Tension in relationships
It happens that the closest and dearest person begins to fray our nerves and constantly keeps us in suspense. We have to spend every effort to meet his needs, but it still doesn’t work. As a result, emotional energy is senselessly wasted, and the feeling of spiritual closeness evaporates.
Moreover, such relationships are usually one-sided. A person who constantly demands attention is, as a rule, not ready to share his attention. And when the realization comes of how much effort and time goes into this relationship, and what you have to receive in return, a feeling of real loneliness arises.
Lack of self-realization
If a person fails to realize his plans, this is a direct path to despair. The obstacles begin to seem insurmountable and the future looks bleak. A person begins to think that he cannot cope on his own. And this feeling of his own helplessness best of all makes him understand what loneliness is, since he suddenly realizes that there is no one to turn to for help or at least for moral support.
Signs of a Lonely Person
To understand how to get rid of loneliness, you need to analyze its causes and understand what a person looks like from the outside.
A person who constantly feels lonely usually:
- sad, anxious, gloomy, can be aggressive;
- distrustful of happy people;
- focused on himself, can attract attention, interrupt;
- may show excessive attention to the interlocutor or, conversely, show complete indifference;
- may be hypocritical, suspicious;
- does not fully control his behavior;
- experiences a feeling of uselessness, uselessness, failure in love, which he may hide from himself;
- feels awkward in a large company, cannot relax, has fun only under the influence of large doses of alcohol;
- constantly criticizes his behavior and is prone to self-flagellation.
Pros and cons of loneliness
Surely you have heard the song “If you don’t have an aunt” from the film “The Irony of Fate”. A simple and humorous song directly indicates that loneliness has both disadvantages and advantages. And if a person is lonely for some reason, this provides him with some convenience in life.
Pros of loneliness:
- No betrayal or deception. You don’t have to worry that your loved one will do something ugly. If you don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend, no one will cheat on you, lie to you, or even pull the blanket over you on a cold night.
- An opportunity to take a break from people. Agree, sometimes you want to be completely alone, from which no one can distract you.
- Plenty of time for introspection. Sometimes we are at a crossroads and feel like we need to think hard about what we want out of life. A lonely person has a lot of time to think.
- The opportunity to deal only with yourself. You can spend time in the gym or play computer games, engage in self-development or visit nightclubs, put all your energy into career growth or find an interesting hobby.
- Personal freedom. If we discard the negative aspects, then loneliness is freedom in every sense: freedom of feelings, freedom of desires, freedom of choice, freedom to manage your life and time.
Disadvantages of loneliness:
- Harmful to health. Although it may not be obvious, in most cases loneliness is actually harmful to your health. If a person lives alone for a long time, he does not follow a sleep schedule, eats at different times of the day, and generally forgets about healthy food.
- Distrust of others. This is a characteristic feature of individuals who lack close communication. This is especially true for those who have become lonely as a result of betrayal by a loved one.
- Closedness. If a person lives alone for a long time, he withdraws into himself, reduces the amount of communication and becomes more and more withdrawn.
- Decreased self-esteem. A lonely person always has time for reflection and soul-searching. And self-esteem suffers quite often because of this.
Literature on the topic
In parting, I recommend reading the book:
- Jean-Michel Quinaudeau "Taming Loneliness."
- K. Grof and S. Grof “Frantic search for yourself: A guide to personal growth through the crisis of transformation.”
- L. Svendsen “Philosophy of Loneliness.” This book will help you not only understand the phenomenon of loneliness, but also find the boundaries between your Self and other people, teach you to understand yourself and others, take responsibility for your life (including loneliness), and explain the subtle patterns of loneliness and friendship, love , trust.
If you experience cognitive dissonance (internal mismatch, contradiction), and you probably do, then I recommend reading the article “Cognitive dissonance - what it is in simple words.” Some recommendations are also given there. To analyze the issues of fear and anxiety, jealousy, insecurity, I suggest reading the articles “How to get rid of anxiety - advice from a psychologist”, “How to get rid of fear - advice from a psychologist”, “How to get rid of jealousy - advice from a psychologist”, “How to become self-confident - advice from a psychologist."
Be a unique, self-sufficient, constantly developing personality, and then none of the possible loneliness will overtake you. Remember that you have many alternative choices. And this is wonderful, not scary!
Exercises
There are several types of exercises designed specifically to combat feelings of loneliness.
"Request"
You can cross the communication barrier with a simple exercise. Try unobtrusively asking questions to passers-by asking for help.
Do not formulate complex sentences, keep a friendly expression on your face, and make it clear that you will not be offended by a refusal.
"Day to fight loneliness"
Give yourself some communication training. To do this, you need to choose a day, preferably the end of the work week, and an event in a place where you feel comfortable.
Don't forget about a friendly facial expression, a smile and a positive attitude. Choose someone you like, approach them and ask them what they think about the event.
Meditation "my fire"
To perform this exercise, choose a comfortable position and close your eyes. In your imagination, paint a picture of a spring evening, when you are walking along the street, admiring the landscape and houses, and feeling peace. Then pay attention to the warmly lit windows of the houses.
Imagine the same warm light inside you. It gives you comfort, peace, burns with a calm, clear, warm light. Imagine this light as a tongue of flame. Pick it up, thank it for the warmth it gives you, and place it back. This is your protection from loneliness, which will always be with you.
"List of Pleasures"
This exercise is best done in a group, or at least with one other person.
- Write down five activities that give you unconditional pleasure. This should be the first thing that comes to mind;
- Think about the list . Leave those activities that you do more often;
- Exchange lists with another person and compare the results. This contributes to the additional pleasure of finding similarities and differences.
