Communicating with an introvert is not easy. While extroverts are open to people and communication, introverts live in their own world and do not need anyone's company. In the article we’ll talk about how to communicate with introverts, what mistakes you shouldn’t make, and how to still make friends with them.
Communication boundaries of introverts
It may seem that getting along with an introvert is very difficult: it is hardly possible to catch his mood, it is difficult to get him to talk, and there is no question of entering the circle of trusted people. But believe me, these people are just like you.
It is only important to understand two basic principles:
- Inner space . This is the most important rule and the most sacred sphere, which you should not encroach on under any circumstances. Remember that introverts are “fixated on internal experiences,” and therefore a claim to their personal Universes will be regarded as an insult. If an introvert is aiming for an evening in the company of his own thoughts, do not blatantly try to drag him out of the house to a party or - God forbid! - invade his home without warning. This is bad form.
- Respect . Believe me, it is important for an introvert that people respect him. Perhaps you don't understand his "slips". It is likely that you cannot come to terms with this eternal need to “be alone.” It doesn't matter. As long as you respect and accept the introvert as a person, he will not turn his back on you. Many people think that an introvert can change and force himself to become an extrovert. But just a minute, gentlemen! No one is obliged to meet your expectations, and a psychological archetype, like orientation, is not chosen - it’s for life.
Try to fix these two principles in your head as an outline. And, you can be sure, everything will become much easier. Many introverts are very interesting people, well-read and erudite. They will be happy to share their opinions, tell you a lot of new things and surprise you with their mature views on life. If you find out what an introvert is interested in, you will be pleasantly surprised when you discover how willing he is to make contact. The advantages of communicating with an introvert are obvious: they are affectionate, do not waste money on cheap people, and remain faithful to their close circle.
I also recommend reading: How can an introvert learn to communicate?
Yes, you won’t drag an introvert into a large crowd of people - crowds tire him - but if you need support, good advice or just a warm conversation, rest assured that an introvert, like no one else, feels human moods and is able to capture them. He will make a good friend and a pleasant conversationalist.
Of course, all people are far from perfect, but there are a few really serious mistakes that you shouldn’t make when communicating with an introvert:
How to Deal with an Introvert: 3 Helpful Tips
To summarize all of the above, there are several rules for how to communicate with an introvert:
- No need to be intrusive. There is no place for coercion in communication. Everything must be voluntary. If an introvert shows that he is not ready to talk, there is no need to force him. Let him be alone with himself.
- Questions should be open-ended. You need to ask in such a way that the introvert answers not in monosyllables, but in detail. For example, you should not ask the question whether a person had breakfast or not. It is better to find out what a person would like to eat for breakfast.
- Meetings must be agreed upon in advance. Introverts do not like unexpected guests or sudden offers to go out for a walk.
“You will remain alone if you don’t change!”
This position often causes irritation, and for the most sensitive introverts - resentment and long hours of worry about their personality. Yes, introverts like to be alone. But no one wants to be left completely alone. And such speeches can lead to the point that a person hates his own introversion, like some kind of ugliness, and will diligently eradicate it. As you know, such attempts are most often futile. This especially applies to parents of an introverted child: your child wants to receive recognition and support, and not reproaches that he “doesn’t know how to communicate.”
Show interest in him while talking
Show interest in the introvert, he really lacks it...
Inattention on the part of the interlocutor offends the introvert, the meaning of the conversation is lost for him. Repeating what was said earlier is not an easy task for him. Therefore, try to maintain the dialogue in calm tones, without harsh statements or careless insults. Remember that such people are very vulnerable and susceptible to the opinions of others; unpleasant words for them can become a reason for long-term and serious resentment.
“You are closed in your own world and you don’t notice anyone but yourself!”
Quite a mean phrase, as it is close to the truth. But introverts are not at all as self-centered as they are often portrayed as.
It's simple: there is a circle of close people for whom introverts will sacrifice all their interests, and the opinion of the rest of the world is of secondary importance. In addition, introverts live in their own personal worlds, from which they evaluate reality. But this is not egocentrism. Yes, they sometimes lack proper courtesy or tact, but in truth, the last thing introverts want is to intrude or cause problems for anyone. And if they don’t meet your expectations, then, sorry, they were just your expectations. Therefore, do not hold the introvert responsible for their illusions.
Such mistakes are often made by parents, when in childhood it is still difficult for an introvert to resist external pressure. Personality formation begins at the age of five, when there is active immersion in society. As a rule, by these years it is already possible to guess which child will become an active and hyperactive leader, and which one will prefer to retire from all the fuss of people.
During the period of personality formation, the family in which the little introvert resides plays an important role. If he grows up in a calm, democratic environment, where all problems are solved not with shouts and belts, but with sincere conversations, then there is a high probability that the future introvert will become a mature and self-confident person.
I also recommend reading: What to do if your friend is an introvert?
However, if you often take it out on a child, and are only interested in his inner experiences in the last place, then rest assured: you will develop an inferiority complex in your child, which will subsequently interfere with his life. Become for your child the support that he craves to see in loved ones. After all, who else, if not his parents, will support him in any situation?
Many mothers often asked the question: how can you still force your child to be at least a little more sociable? No way. Leave him alone and give him the right to be who he is. If your son or daughter is more comfortable sitting at home and watching movies than going to clubs, then think - perhaps this has its advantages? This is usually answered with the phrase that he doesn’t even have friends. If they are not there, then there are no worthy ones. As soon as a person appears who is truly interesting for an introvert, the problem will be solved by itself. It’s better to have one faithful friend than a bunch of “buddies.”
Besides, making friends with an introvert is not as difficult as it seems. Yes, this will take a lot of time, because he is wary of letting strangers into his universe. Don’t set yourself the goal of gaining the trust of an introvert in a month or even six months: it’s impossible. Place your bet on unobtrusive and interesting communication over a long period of time and you won’t go wrong.
Why is divorce so difficult?
There are still dreams that did not come true
When you got married, you imagined a family idyll, weekend picnics and holidays on the Cote d'Azur, where you would watch sunsets and bask in each other's arms. The ex-spouse may have had his own dreams and expectations. It hurts.
There are dissatisfaction that you can’t let go of
Since grievances often arise from complaints (mutual and not so), then perhaps some of them remained unspoken, but there was no one to discuss them with.
You will not call your ex-husband and remind him of flowers that were not given, scattered socks and the devaluation of your efforts. Therefore, these claims, like an annoying radio, continue to play in your head, complicating the already difficult process of breaking up a relationship.
The ex-husband treated (and may still treat) the child poorly
This could be either the man’s withdrawal from caring for the child, or something more serious (emotional and physical abuse). Often, this attitude towards the child extends to the wife, which then led to grievances that the woman simply could not let go of and work through, which does not allow her to let go of the situation.
You can't forget the betrayal
It is not easy to accept that a man cheated or left for another. Many women are never able to forgive their husbands, which leads not only to divorce, but also to many years of mental suffering.
There are many questions left unanswered
This includes all women’s “Why”, “How could he”, “What did I do wrong” and further down the list. When a woman becomes fixated on this, it is extremely difficult for her to find the time and energy to live in the present.
The main thing you need to know is the area of interest of an introvert
Engage him in conversation. Does he like books? Wonderful! Ask what genres he prefers, what works inspire him - in a word, challenge the introvert to a dialogue. At first, he may be extremely reluctant to answer, but if the introvert sees a lively interest in you, and not empty interest, he will be pleased.
Use your area of interest as a bridge between you and his mysterious world. Try to keep your communication private: introverts get nervous when there are a lot of people and noise in the room. Don't try to drag an introvert into your company. Most likely, he will soon get tired and, under any pretext, ask to go home to his secluded little world.
An introvert gets energy from his inner space, and therefore after a party in a noisy company he will feel exhausted and tired. Give him exactly as much time to recuperate as he needs. And remember: no intrusiveness. Your communication should be as relaxed as possible.
Forward technique
When it's useful
If you need to ask for help, ask for a bonus from your boss, tell your neighbors that loud music is disturbing you, tell the salesperson that you have been shortchanged, make an appointment by phone, and so on.
How to use
In football, a forward is an attacking player whose main task is to score goals. In essence, the forward defends the interests of the team by attacking. And this requires a certain amount of aggression. For introverts, aggression is directed inward, not outward, so it is always difficult for us to ask, insist, and defend our interests. We also love to think about the opponent’s reaction: how he will react to the request, whether he will get angry, whether he will be able to answer, or whether he is busy with important matters. We can walk for hours in indecision.
Take the courage to take the first step and send the ball to the other person's side. Act without thinking.
Start with everyday situations, and then transfer them to more significant ones for you.
The secret to this technique is to move out of the position of asking and into the position of a player defending the interests of his team. Mentally shift the focus from yourself to your loved ones. Asking for someone is always easier. For example, you ask for a salary increase to pay for your son’s courses; discount from the seller to buy more products for a family dinner. Remember about your inner Kant: loud music from his neighbors prevents him from dozing off.
Socialite
When it's useful
In situations where it is simply necessary to make new acquaintances, communicate and make a good impression.
How to use
Let's not lie: introverts are not brilliant conversationalists. “Why discuss if everything is already clear,” we think. The weather, you say, is bad? Well, it's winter. Don't understand the new movie? What did you want, it's von Trier. What do I think about proper nutrition? I think this is a promising idea.
In situations where you still need to get acquainted and communicate, I suggest using the “Social Lion” technique. People who are forced to attend events frequently do not put much energy into conversation, they have learned to have superficial but pleasant conversation. This is a skill anyone can master.
Small talk consists of opening, supporting, transitional and closing phrases. Learn a few in advance and build a dialogue using them as a constructor.
Opening phrases are an opportunity to start a conversation. For example:
- Good evening, I'm Yulia. What a cozy place, isn't it?
- Good evening, do you know what kind of music this is?
- Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Anton, senior manager.
Supportive phrases are relevant questions that engage the conversation. Examples:
- Are you close to the topic of today's report? What did you find interesting?
- Have you read this author's new book?
- Do you like Asian cuisine?
Transition phrases will help when the conversation begins to dry up and there is a frightening tension of not having anything to talk about. Then you can return the conversation to what has already been discussed. For example:
- You said that you are a doctor. What profile?
- You mentioned children. Where do they study?
- We discussed the new film. How do you feel about the theater?
Introverts have wonderful intuition. If you feel that the interlocutor is not in the mood to continue the conversation, it is better to end it. Closing phrases will help with this:
- I'm sorry, I must leave you and greet my colleagues.
- I was glad to meet you. Have a nice evening!
- I'm sorry, but I need to answer the phone. See you later!
If your interlocutor decides to bow out first, let him “run away”, briefly wishing him luck. And don’t forget that small talk lasts on average 5–7 minutes.
The secret to this technique is to relax and not take the conversation too seriously. Small talk allows you to establish communication while maintaining the distance that an introvert needs to feel comfortable.
Find a suitable way for yourself to overcome your fear of communication. Then it will turn out that among those around you there are many people who are ready to respond and help, and those who, like you, take the first step with great difficulty, but in the end become your best friend.
What does it mean to be socially awkward?
“Clumsy people are no better or worse than anyone else—they just see the world differently and must work harder to acquire the social goods that others intuitively possess.”
— Tai Tashiro
Essentially, being socially awkward means not being completely comfortable in social situations. Perhaps you get along well with friends and feel like you can say or do anything.
However, if you find yourself in a new situation, you will feel completely out of place. You don't have enough words to have a proper conversation. You may have the right words or ideas in your head. However, you simply cannot say anything intelligible.
For years I was socially awkward. Just imagine the guy who sat awkwardly in the corner at a party, and it was me. Honestly, it prevented me from having meaningful conversations and forming healthy relationships.
So I knew I had to change. To begin with, I began to intensively study the lives of my socially experienced peers, and with practice I began to change my social life.
Of course, I still haven't become an extrovert. I can't always hold a conversation flawlessly, and I don't always have the right words to express my thoughts. However, when I feel socially awkward, I try to remember the following rules.
Overcome a few seconds of fear
“Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of crazy courage. Literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you that something great will come out of this.”
-Benjamin Mee, We Bought a Zoo
Will Smith famously said:
“The best things in life are on the other side of fear.”
And he's absolutely right. Of course, entering a new social situation can be scary. However, it won't kill you.
Indeed, talking to a woman on the street is completely safe. You can talk to the cashier at the supermarket or introduce yourself to a new group of friends without losing your life or dignity.
However, the only thing stopping you from doing these things is
- this is the fear of the feelings
accompanying these actions
.
Hence, Benjamin P. Hardy said:
“Get used to pain and failure and nothing can stop you.”
So, it's time to overcome a few seconds of fear. When your mind tells you yes and your body tells you no, you should " feel the fear and do it anyway."
The following point will help you get started:
Talk about what interests you
“Talking about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.”
-Oscar Wilde
“I don’t know what to say”, “What if the topic is boring?”
"
What if I don't have anything to say?"
Does any of this sound familiar? The truth is, it doesn't matter what you say. Instead, it's how you say it that matters.
When you are passionate about something, you will speak with meaning and be much more interesting.
Not only that, but it will also make it difficult to say what needs to be said. For example, copywriting, bodybuilding and digital marketing are topics that I can talk about for hours.
And you'd be lying if you didn't have at least one topic where you could do the same. Although I can already hear your mental wheels turning:
“If I talk about my passion all the time, I’ll just bore them to death.”
In fact, the opposite is true. When you talk about something you're truly passionate about, you won't bore them. Instead, they will practically beg you to find out more.
“The stronger your inner fire, the more people will want it. They will light their own fire. They will try to illuminate their dark caves. The universe will bend towards you."
James Altucher
Of course, it works the other way around; if you constantly talk about what you don't like, the other person won't be able to leave quickly enough.
Thus, you may want to keep your conversations moving in a positive direction.
This doesn't mean you should never express your negative feelings, although it does mean that there is a time and place for everything. We all know someone who complains constantly - it's not much fun.
Ask questions and show interest in others
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
-Dale Carnegie
Here's an idea: if you can get other people to talk, you won't have to talk at all.
And the great thing is that although the world is full of amazing places, people and ideas, everyone still loves to talk about themselves.
One study found that people are even happy to give up money to talk about themselves! Another study found that talking about yourself activates the same areas of the brain as good food, drugs, and sex.
So it's a goldmine of conversation. What makes it even sweeter is when you can get people talking about you and your passion.
Just ask a few questions like:
- What was the last thing that really excited you and why?
- If you could wake up and do anything tomorrow, what would you do?
- What achievement are you most proud of and why?
If you ask these questions, they, like you, will be able to talk for hours and find you incredibly fascinating. Although what’s interesting is that you said almost nothing.
And with this comes the following point:
Don't be afraid of the awkward silence.
“Why are we embarrassed by silence? What comforts us in all this noise? " -Mitch Albom
Let's be honest, silence in conversation is only uncomfortable if you allow it to be.
You also don't have to say anything to fill the air. In fact, sometimes it's better if you don't.
Can't we just enjoy the moments we spend with another and not feel like we need to continue the conversation at any cost?
We might enjoy silence during recreational activities or simply not talk to the people we are currently interacting with.
Learn social habits
"When you form a habit, you don't have to waste mental energy deciding what to do." -David Kadavy
One thing I've learned from watching my socially savvy peers is that they don't always have something new to say, they just repeat the same things in different conversations.
For example, they tell the same jokes, ask the same questions and tell the same stories.
Of course, it's not very creative or exciting. However, people love them and so you can do the same.
If you just try a few different questions, stories, jokes, and ideas, you can see which ones stick and which ones don't, and then repeat them over and over again.
This will save you from having to come up with new conversation ideas on the spot, and therefore you will be much more confident in your speech and body language.
Now that you're trying to learn some social habits, the following point will come in handy:
Practice
“Perfection requires effort and systematic, deliberate practice with increasing difficulty.” - Anders Ericsson
Tai Tashiro explains that just like some people who struggle with algebra, being socially awkward is the same thing.
Conversation is simply a skill that you have yet to master properly and therefore requires practice to master.
In fact, you can't expect to read a couple of blog articles and become socially active overnight. Instead, you must go out into the real world and put your knowledge into practice.
Napoleon Hill said:
“Knowledge is only potential power. It becomes power only if and when it is organized into definite plans of action and directed towards a definite goal."
So what does practice look like?
This means you put yourself out there and seek to interact more with others.
Unfortunately, this cannot be understated; you'll have to step out of your comfort zone if you're serious about changing your social life.
As Anders Ericsson said:
“This is a fundamental truth about any practice: if you never step outside your comfort zone, you will never get better.”
Of course, you can start small: start with a simple conversation with the cashier at the supermarket, you can ask the time from a stranger on the street or talk to someone while waiting at a bus stop, etc.
From there, you'll have a social base on which you can build.
As Ryan Holiday said so beautifully:
“Thinking big is great, but thinking small is easier. And when it comes to getting started, we need it easier. Because once you start working, you can build.”
Emergency exit
When it's useful
During a decisive conversation, when making new acquaintances, at noisy events and other “obligations”.
How to use
I love this tactic because it's versatile and doesn't require any effort. Introverts are forced to live according to social norms created by extroverts. “I should be outgoing,” “I should show that I’m having fun,” “I should be liked,” “I should enter wedding competitions,” “I shouldn’t worry” are just a few things I’ve heard over the years work. All these “shoulds” kill any sense of freedom and lightness in us and completely confuse us.
Develop for yourself your own set of rules that do not prohibit, but permit. Allow yourself to be yourself, to take into account your characteristics and desires. For example:
- you are allowed to worry before an important acquaintance;
- You are allowed to stay home for three days after the interview;
- the party is allowed to arrive, check in and leave;
- you are allowed not to go to your second cousin’s birthday party;
- You are allowed to simply nod in conversation without answering anything.
And so on.
The secret of this technique is to remain in your own comfort zone in any unusual situation and be able to quietly proceed to the “emergency exit”.
