Hello, writes Lyudmila Redkina. Have you ever had a situation when a person is crying next to you, and you stand and remain silent, like a sheep, not knowing what to say? I once tried to support a person when he was feeling very bad, but my own words seemed so empty and meaningless to me compared to his grief... Even psychologists don’t always say something when a person cries. Unfortunately, our friends have to deal with the loss of loved ones, jobs, large sums of money, failing exams and a host of other cases when nerves fail. And we, as caring people, have to say words of support. What to say and how to support a person in difficult times, we’ll talk about this in the article.
How to support a person: advice from psychologists
Timely, competent support can sometimes not only make it easier, but also save a life.
Each situation is perceived differently by different people. Even if loved ones have lived together for a long time and know each other well, a person’s reaction to grief is unpredictable.
There are general stages of experiencing tragic events, they have been studied and described. Psychologists advise focusing on this generality, but warn that each person should be approached individually.
Experts have developed 5 basic rules to support a person in trouble:
- Allow to grieve. Do not diminish the importance of what happened, do not convince people to calm down. The bad emotion must heal and come out. You cannot suppress the storm within. The emotion must be lived. You simply won’t be able to drown it out with alcohol, powerful antidepressants, or valerian. Feelings driven deep will one day find a way out, but the consequences may be irreparable.
- To be nearby. The presence of dear people is necessary for the grieving person, even if he does not ask for it. However, you cannot be intrusive; treat the feelings of the suffering person with respect and care.
- Maintain the desire to speak out. A grieving person often repeats himself, this is a natural behavior. There is no need to interrupt or change the subject. It is necessary to talk about the negative event that happened. This will allow you to share the pain and get through it faster.
- Calling a spade a spade . If a friend is having a hard time with someone's death, softening the definitions won't help. Instead of saying “you’re very depressed,” don’t say “you’re not feeling well.” If you muffle reality, you won’t be able to experience grief less painlessly.
- Do not evaluate what happened rationally, explaining the reasons, drawing conclusions . A logical approach will lead a person away from experiencing emotions that will come later with a vengeance. We need to cry together over grief. Don’t force them to pack up, convincing them of the need to move on with their lives. This will be appropriate later when a person has cried enough and lived through the pain.
The decision to support must be supported by sincere sympathy, a desire to help, coming from the heart.
How to support someone if they are in shock
The power of surging emotions can put a person into a stupor. He is confused, disoriented, refuses to believe in the reality of what happened. The best way to help is to be nearby. To be directly present, having the opportunity to see each other, to hug.
Do not try to talk when a friend has asked to be with him, but refuses to contact him. Don't rush things. He will speak when he feels the need. A warm shower, hot tea with honey, lemon, etc. is all that is needed.
You should prepare for difficulties.
Support is not an easy task, it is emotionally and physically exhausting. You will need immediate solutions to everyday and organizational issues (buying medications, waiting for a doctor, preparing food, putting things in order, etc.).
How to support a person if he is acutely worried
Acute experiences are accompanied by rejection, resentment, and aggressive behavior. The most harmless and kind-hearted person can feel angry at the whole world.
The problem is that you can't get angry back. A grieving friend should not feel alone. Now you can’t leave your friend, even though it’s almost impossible to communicate.
How to support a person in difficult times from a distance
You should immediately take care of purchasing tickets and inform about your arrival. Sensitivity will be appreciated. If you can’t come, you should come up with a good reason. The right words of support sent via messenger are better than inaction.
How to support the man you love if he works a lot and has problems at work
Even the most brutal husband needs help.
Men experience troubles at work acutely, but do not show it. The reason for this behavior lies in childhood, when boys are scolded for showing weaknesses. But even the most brutal husband needs help.
How not to support a man:
- You can’t persistently and constantly ask - the man will only withdraw;
- actively demonstrate feelings;
- impose advice;
- reproach;
- impose additional problems on a person.
Ways of real support:
- Create a cozy rear . Delicious food and interesting leisure activities will help you regain your strength. If your husband is ready to discuss work problems, then listen carefully and calmly, unobtrusively point out the advantages of the situation, possible ways out of the crisis period.
- Maintain self-esteem. Failures at work reduce a man's self-esteem. He begins to doubt his abilities, and his wife’s confidence in the opposite will give him the strength to move mountains.
Words of support for the woman you love
When a woman experiences tragic events, she strives to talk in detail about her feelings and share her experiences. When a loved one is grieving, a guy should just listen carefully.
According to psychologists, men are mistaken if they immediately rush to fix the problem. First of all, the woman needs to be calmed down and allowed to speak out.
Support a friend in difficult times
A girl facing trouble needs the support of her friends.
Here's how you can help:
- be nearby without asking questions;
- listen if she asks;
- try to help find a way out;
- if the situation is not too serious, try to appeal to a sense of humor;
- distract with a pleasant activity (shopping, manicure, etc.);
- don't leave alone.
Work colleague
Supporting a grieving colleague is not easy. Working together every day brings us closer together.
If you are visiting a sick colleague, it is definitely worth mentioning that the sick person is missing from work and business is not going well without him.
Stages of grief
American psychologist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross identified 5 stages of a person’s experience of a traumatic situation: denial, anger, guilt, depression and acceptance. Each stage has its own characteristic features, it is advisable to know them. Otherwise, a person’s behavior may be unexpected, incomprehensible and even shocking to you.
Denial stage
As soon as a person finds out that trouble has happened, he does not want to believe it for some time. Consciousness refuses to perceive the new reality and tries by all means to isolate itself from it. This stage can last from several minutes to several weeks.
The person continues to behave as if nothing had happened, and from the outside it may seem that he is not himself. What to do in this case?
There is no need to try to forcefully open his eyes. This way you will injure him even more. But it is also impossible to maintain the illusion that nothing happened. Try to avoid discussing sensitive topics and don’t ask him about anything. Just being nearby. At that moment when the brain is no longer able to fight reality, your presence is necessary. Under the influence of difficult emotions, a person can seriously harm himself or others.
Anger stage
This is the most terrible stage both for the person himself and for his loved ones. Strong emotions overwhelm you and literally knock you off your feet. A person may show verbal and physical aggression towards himself and others. It can be very difficult for those who have undertaken to support him.
First, you need to understand that the person is practically in a state of passion and has poor self-control. If insults and reproaches suddenly rain down on you, ignore them. He may scream, cry, bang his head against the wall - don’t be scared. Be nearby and provide tactile contact to the person - this way he can calm down faster.
It's good if you help him find an outlet for his anger. Offer to beat a pillow, beat out a rug, or play sports or active physical labor. But we need to try to protect people from using alcohol and psychotropic substances.
Stage of guilt
At this stage, the person becomes depressed and begins to blame himself for what happened. Even if the situation does not depend on him in any way, he finds reasons for self-flagellation. The reasons may be completely absurd - he did not foresee the disaster, he was in the wrong place.
The person needs to be listened to carefully and, with the help of logical arguments, convinced of the groundlessness of self-accusations. Tell him that you don’t see his guilt, that he’s screwing himself over. Emphasize his positive qualities, praise and encourage him. Even if not immediately, your words will definitely have an effect.
Stage of depression
It is characterized by feelings of depression and apathy. A person may feel a loss of strength, fatigue, and general despondency. The old life is left behind in the past, and there is absolutely no energy to build a new one. At this stage, it is very easy to do a disservice to the person and keep him stuck in depression.
If you see that your loved one does not get out of bed, does not want to go anywhere, and has difficulty performing household chores, you should not rush to do everything for him. This will make him have even less energy. The best you can do is try to get him going. To captivate with something, to interest, to awaken the desire to live. Try to infect him with some of your hobbies, remember what you used to love to do together.
If you succeed, the next stage of healing will come much faster. If depression has dragged on, I advise you to read our article “How to get out of depression.” In it you will find recommendations from professional psychologists.
Acceptance stage
Gradually the person begins to come to his senses. The grass is greener, the sun is brighter, and your favorite food tastes better again. At this stage, a person needs to rebuild his life brick by brick. Support him in word and deed. Tell him often that you believe in him, that he will succeed. Share with him the joy of first successes, encourage him in case of failures.
After serious life upheavals, people become stronger and stronger, new meanings and opportunities open up for them. Remind a person of this more often, and soon he will believe in himself and his strength. It will be easier for him to start a new life and leave the old one behind.
Words of condolences
If you can’t find phrases of sympathy from the heart, then you shouldn’t compose
. The right moment to express condolences may not present itself. And the state of a loved one is such that it is impossible to console him with any words.
If you can’t find phrases of sympathy from the heart, then you shouldn’t write them. A hug or a pat on the shoulder is enough.
How to support someone if they are depressed
A feeling of depression takes over the unfortunate person when he realizes what happened. There is no universal advice here, because people are different.
It is better to ask directly what kind of help the person expects. Someone will want to talk about what happened, revealing fears and worries. Some people find it better to distract themselves while experiencing a tragedy. Then involve the grieving friend in solving problems that are not related to the feelings.
Some people find it easier to cope with grief when they are alone. You should leave your friend, but make it clear that you are ready to be there at any time.
Examples of phrases that are appropriate if a person is faced with the death of a loved one:
- “I’m sorry for your/your loss.”
- “I mourn with you.”
- “Please accept my condolences,” etc.
How to support someone when they have already experienced grief
This moment is called adaptation or rehabilitation. Now your loved one begins to establish the same relationships with the people around them. The pain has dulled, my mood improves, my life gets better.
The best support is accompaniment on a tourist trip, visiting a party, cinema, restaurant, theater.
When communicating, it is best to avoid any words or phrases that will remind the person of a recent loss.
What not to do
Since the suffering of others is unbearable for those nearby, and the desire to calm the person increases to the maximum and requires any decisive action, many stop worrying about who really needs reassurance now and make mistakes. Remember how a mother shouts at a crying child, trying to calm him down in this way, as a result, all participants in the situation become agitated. It’s worth listening to your feelings and walking away; if you find yourself unstable, let others calm you down.
You cannot devalue the cause of a person’s disorder, because this can greatly hurt. Those. those who mourn the dead do not need to be told that they are better now or that this should have happened, and a woman going through a divorce should not be told about her beauty and unworthiness of a man, because self-esteem is now at the lowest level, and the suffering from his absence is painful.
If you are going to help, then stay, and do not leave with the phrase that you will come on the first call. When a person needs reassurance, he cannot always adequately test reality in order to understand what help he needs, and he can also fall into such a deep depression, pick up the phone and not remember the phone number.
When you compare a person’s suffering with others (starving children in Africa, the disabled, the homeless), in an attempt to show that someone is now much worse off, then at best you will not be heard. By reacting more adequately, you can train an aggressive reaction or provoke a desire to emotionally shut down. When you personally are already fed up with the suffering or hysterics of another, then exclude yourself from the situation, and do not start ordering the person to calm down or switch. Believe me, if a person could do this, he would have done it long ago.
How to comfort a sick person
When the illness is serious, the care of relatives, their support and presence will be the best medicine. Family is important for a depressed patient.
When the illness is serious, the care of relatives, their support and presence will be the best medicine
If painful health does not cause serious concern, support with a joke would be appropriate. You can make plans for the time when recovery comes. Don't let the patient be sad.
If a loved one’s illness is serious, then more strength will be needed to maintain the spirit. You can find stories of people who were successfully cured of the same disease.
Every day you should try to bring joy to the patient with the help of little things (flowers, fruits, etc.).
The main thing is not to allow your loved ones to become overwhelmed by despondency and a feeling of uselessness. Sometimes the patient is inclined to think that everyone will be better off without him, and it is necessary to convince him of the opposite.
Good words
Kind words will significantly ease the oppressive state of a grieving person. The conversation should be conducted carefully. Even if you have experienced something similar, your way of dealing with the crisis may not be appropriate now.
The best phrase that everyone experiencing grief wants to hear is “I’m on my way!”
People often tend to feel guilty about what happened. It is important at this moment to say that the person is not to blame, the circumstances just happened that way.
Sometimes a person needs help, but he himself is not ready to ask for it. "What can I do for you?" – another phrase that is always appropriate. All that remains is to accompany it with proactive actions.
Forbidden words
Words have another side.
There are phrases that are better not to use:
- "Don't worry!" How not to worry when trouble happens? It sounds like the speaker doesn't care.
- “Everything will work out!”/“Everything will be fine!” It’s absurd to say this when a person’s familiar world is collapsing. The phrase is especially inappropriate if it is the death of someone you love.
- "Do not Cry!" Crying exists to relieve suffering. This is the most effective way to quickly overcome loss.
Helpful Actions
Practical support is always relevant. Help is needed with ordinary everyday things (going to the store, washing the dishes, etc.).
The best way to care for a loved one during a difficult period is to take on some of the responsibilities, giving them the opportunity to grieve.
Phrases and words to cheer up a man, guy: list
Phrases and words to encourage a man, guy
When communicating with a man, do not forget to add sugar to everything you say. And take the salt out of everything he tells you.
Try the following affirmations:
- I love you more today than ever before.
- Your decisions, hard work, loving and generous heart fill me with pride.
- Even if we are not together, we will always be one team.
- I'm happy that I have you.
- You do so much for my happiness, let me support you.
- I will always be with you. And I will go where you lead me.
- It is an honor for me to be by your side.
- I learned a lot from you.
- Whatever happens, I want to grow old next to you.
- I think fate has big plans for me. That's why she gave you to me.
- Hard times don't matter if we're together.
- Everything will be as it should be. Even if it turns out differently.
- Every finish is the start of something completely new.
Cons of support
A person experiencing grief acquires the ability to manipulate loved ones. It requires constant attention, complete immersion in one’s problems and experiences.
The financial aspect is also important. It happens that enough time has passed since the tragedy, but a friend still insists on the need for his sponsorship.
In this case, psychologists do not advise to endure the situation. It is better to talk frankly with your friend about your dissatisfaction and stop helping him, which he no longer needs.
Phrases and words to cheer yourself up: list
How to cheer yourself up?
- I'm alone at home.
- I am free/free to make decisions.
- Any “minus” can always be turned into a “plus”.
- I am the architect of my life. I lay the foundation and choose the content.
- I am above negative thoughts and low actions.
- Everything that happens to me now is for my ultimate benefit.
- Although this period of my life is not the easiest, it is just a short segment of my life's journey.
- The sun will rise tomorrow too. Despite everything.
- Even in troubles there is always something useful and important for you.
Colleague at work or study
The people we come into contact with every day during school or work may also need our support. They often ask for help from their close friends or relatives, but sometimes situations arise when support would be helpful even from colleagues. If you notice that people you know walk around all day, lost in their thoughts, with red eyes, or constantly lash out at other people, ask if everything is okay with them. Often, even a question about a person’s condition will help him realize that there are not indifferent people next to him.
Offer outside help
There are situations when a friend or relative is unable to help a person, because even after going through all the stages of experiencing his grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression), he still does not feel happy. In this case, you can suggest that your friend see a psychologist so that he can help establish the causes or cope with the problem. Perhaps the person himself would like to seek the help of a specialist, but considers it shameful. Show him that this is not true at all.
Different people experience the same troubles in different ways; some will calmly continue life after learning about the death of their parents, while others will withdraw into themselves due to being fired from a low-paying job. Any person may need help or support, do not skimp on truly sincere words, the help a person needs and never remain indifferent.
Gesture
There is a simple combination of gestures to help sympathizers. An open body position (without crossing arms), a slightly lowered head (preferably at the same level as the head of the person to be listened to), supportive nods, a benevolent grunt in the rhythm of the conversation and open palms are intuitively perceived as a sign of attentiveness and interest. If we are talking about a loved one with whom it is customary to maintain physical contact, relaxing touches and stroking will not hurt. If the person talking is hysterical, and this often happens, then the only way to calm him down is to squeeze him tightly in your arms. This means: I am always there, I understand you, I will protect you. It is preferable not to do the following experiments with almost strangers regarding physical contact:
- firstly, you may find yourself in an uncomfortable situation;
- secondly, such actions can repel a person who is not close enough.
In addition, you need to act very carefully if in front of you is someone who has suffered from physical violence.
You can also use soothing music for the soul without words (Enigma, classics, melodic compositions, or even just sounds of nature on audio). The main thing is to choose the right playlist.
Support your loved one in their relationships with friends
Men and women equally need the support of friends of the same sex. Often people try to satisfy all their needs with the help of a loved one (as if they go to one store for all goods at once) - when they enter into a long-term relationship, they sometimes lose friends. Many nice people worry that their partner won't like it if they waste their time on friends.
Your loved one needs your support in relationships with friends. He himself will find like-minded people and communicate with them, and you can help with your approval and understanding that making friends takes time. Remember that men and women build friendships differently and your partner is unlikely to do everything the same way you would.
It's important to note that we're talking about healthy same-sex friendships. It's not a good idea (or even fair) to pretend to be in a friendship that you believe is only harmful. We all need mature and adequate friends, capable of empathy and sound assessments of what is happening.
Take an interest in what is happening
Now let's talk a little about how you can provide support to someone who finds themselves in a difficult situation. Regardless of what happens, be sure to take an interest and find out what happened. After this, it will be much easier for you to provide support or help.
Some people believe that everyone should deal with their problems on their own because that's what they do, but everyone is different - and even strong individuals sometimes need support. Therefore, do not hesitate to find out if everything is fine with your interlocutor.
Strangers
While traveling along the city streets, traveling in public transport or moving to other places, we are surrounded by crowds of passers-by. It is difficult to determine whether a simple passerby is in trouble or not, but you should not ignore frank requests for help. A person feels bad before your eyes - don’t pass by and come help, if you see a woman or child crying - find out what happened. Now another person is in a difficult situation, but tomorrow this could happen to you. Would you like not to see a single random person next to you who wants to help?
