Hello all readers! Lyudmila Redkina is in touch, and in this article we’ll talk about hopelessness and the chance for love. I won't lie if I say that you want to be loved, right? Every person on the globe has a need for love. But, unfortunately, not everyone receives it in return. By the way, there is even evidence that the pain of a broken heart is similar to physical pain in terms of the state of neurons. For many, betrayal, the end of a relationship, or the death of a loved one is the end of life. This is how people live with constant pain and suffering. Today we’ll talk about how to stop loving a person who doesn’t love you, what to do so as not to feel suffering.
Remove this person from your VKontakte friends, Instagram, Twitter 1
As well as any other social networks. And in general, if the opportunity allows, throw the old SIM card out the window, pack your things and start a new life. Or at least stop following him online.
When you constantly pursue a person or simply accidentally stumble upon information about him, sooner or later it will destroy your life. If it is impossible to build a healthy relationship, you need to break all ties. At least until your feelings for him are comparable to the feelings for the shoe of a subway passenger sitting opposite you in the same car.
We couldn't forget the guy we liked
Here, too, we are talking about self-deception. Unfulfilled feelings want to pour out, to get out from behind the confines of the restraining mind. In fact, they have long turned into a heavy burden on the soul. These are some kind of “stones” that prevent you from finding or building happiness.
It is necessary to find out the reasons for unsuccessful love. Some lacked the courage, others needed a lesson to develop. In any case, there is a reason to reflect on what happened, to delve into the past. Holding on to this burden is destructive. So close to serious depression. And time spent on empty dreams cannot be returned. It flows like a river beyond the horizon.
Think about his or her shortcomings 2
The foundation of that obsession that people usually call love often lies in idealization. You attribute exclusively positive traits and qualities to this person. As if this was not an ordinary man or a simple girl, but an inhabitant of Olympus who had descended to mere mortals.
But sooner or later you yourself fall into your own trap. The more you idealize an inaccessible person, the more suffering the unnecessary feeling will cause you. Everyone has flaws - so why not highlight them for your own peace of mind? Stretch your memory. In what ways did he or she behave incredibly badly? What character traits are in no way similar to your ideas about a True Queen or a True Noble Knight? Or maybe there is a reason to pay attention to the flaws in this person’s appearance?
Let these negative qualities always be highlighted in your mind whenever the desire to idealize a person arises. And then, with perseverance, you will eventually overthrow the unworthy impostor from the pedestal of your heart.
Tips on how to determine if love is real
Some practical advice from psychologists will help you figure out whether your feelings are real or fake.
- Remember how your relationship began. If very quickly and with physical intimacy, then love is clearly in question. Compare whether your relationship has improved or worsened since then. If they have become better, perhaps passion is developing into true feelings.
- Analyze what attracts you to a person. To do this, it is better to take a piece of paper and a pen and write down all the qualities. If it turns out that the list contains more qualities such as appearance, good manners and other attributes of upbringing, then perhaps you are passionate about the “wrapper”. A loving person is attracted by the essence of the chosen one; even his disadvantages seem sweet and attractive.
- Think about how stable your feelings are. If after every argument you are quite ready to go on a date with another person and allow the beginning of a new relationship, you are not truly in love.
- How lonely do you feel without your significant other? Do you know how to have a good time without him/her? If yes, then your feelings are self-sufficient, otherwise it is addiction.
- If there are traits in your partner that you don’t like, are you ready to put up with them and never blame the person for this? If you still hope that he/she will change, this is not love.
- Imagine your couple in different situations, in poverty and wealth. Will you also love your chosen one if your social status changes? Maybe you are simply attracted to a person’s success?
- Do you have something that you can and want to give to your other half? If you view your partner as an object for solving your problems and needs, there is no smell of love here.
- Imagine in your mind a situation where you need to let go of your lover for his/her good. Can you do this in peace and without offense, with good wishes? If not, then you do not truly love the person, but are indulging your ego.
These are the most effective methods on how to understand that you really love a person.
Osho (sage, mystic, enlightened master) said: “Love has nothing to do with relationships, love is a state.” And it seems he was right. Only the one who, regardless of the relationship, feels love in his heart every day is truly capable of love. He sees love in life itself, in every manifestation of it, in everything that surrounds him. He finds love within himself, and has a strong desire to share it with everyone he meets along the way. Nothing can take away this love or extinguish it.
Interesting to know!
A brain that loves and a brain that is simply lustful are two different things. Erotic photos activate the hypothalamus (which controls hunger and thirst) and the amygdala (which controls arousal). Love activates areas of the brain that contain high amounts of dopamine, which is associated with euphoria, attraction and drug addiction.
The main criterion of true feeling is unconditionality. But in relationships we are often so unconscious that we begin to put forward various conditions, such as: I will love you only if you love me; if I love you, then you must adapt to me; if you love me, you will change for me.
All this is nothing more than a manifestation of the ego and attempts to fill internal needs or solve internal problems with the help of another person. This is psychological immaturity.
The best way to understand that you love a person is to think whether you can maintain bright, kind and better feelings, even if your chosen one does not accept them. If yes, then you can be congratulated - you are among the enlightened, highly conscious people who have revealed their true essence.
Spend more time with friends3
What can better distract you from suffering over an unattainable person than communicating with old comrades? Don't sit at home within four walls. Go visit your friends or girlfriends. Call old friends you haven't seen for a hundred years. Who knows, maybe they also suffer from broken love aspirations. And by spending time together, you can help each other forget about suffering.
In addition, in the company of friends it is always easier to switch attention from your problems to how other people live. Maybe they need your help too? You shouldn’t focus only on yourself: since your personal life still leaves much to be desired, put your energies into a constructive direction. Teach your friend to knit. Or babysit a friend's nephew so that he can go to a hockey game at least once a year. Believe me, your friends will definitely be happy to help; and you yourself will feel proud of yourself, since you did a good deed.
Why do people stop loving each other
There is a phrase “Loving a person who does not love you is one of the most hopeless feelings, since you cannot control it.” There are exceptions: Dante Alighieri carried his love for Beatrice throughout his life, who did not even know about it; many literary works were created on the basis of this feeling. But you and I are not Dante, so unrequited love devastates us.
People stop loving each other for various reasons:
- lack of communication - incorrect dialogue to solve problems;
- separate leisure time - it is not surprising that new acquaintances appear, which often lead to relationships;
- habit - feelings pass, and the habit is no longer interesting;
- lack of confidence in your own partner - jealousy arises over views, time spent outside the home, etc.;
- routine - there is not enough change, emotions in relationships;
- cooling - there is no longer the former passion, you don’t want to create romance in the relationship;
- infidelity - betrayal for many is a sharp “sobering up” when feelings are instantly shaken off;
- unforgiveness - “deeds of bygone days” are constantly remembered, complaints begin, old grievances surface;
- lack of sincerity - silence, secrets and omissions lead to mistrust and destruction of relationships;
- perseverance, selfishness are one of the stupid reasons for separation when someone does not know how to compromise;
- illusions - they believed in a castle with a prince, but got a hut with a snoring man, women are more susceptible to illusions in relationships, they lack a real outlook on life;
- there was no real love - well, everything is clear...
Knocks out a wedge with a wedge4
You can become fixated on the same person for months and even years; Or you can do what old folk wisdom teaches you to do - switch your attention to other representatives of the opposite sex.
Yes, at first you won’t even want to think about letting anyone else into your field of vision. After all, there is he or she - so ideal and inaccessible, to whom you want to devote all your thoughts until the end of your days. But you and I know where this whole whirlpool will lead: into the abyss of depression, suffering and hopelessness. And it’s not far from alcoholism or health problems.
Therefore, do yourself a favor and respond to the smile of a pretty secretary or an attractive guy from the next department. Little by little, the “blasphemous” thought of paying attention to someone else will take root in your mind. And perhaps someone from your circle will be able to arouse your sincere interest.
Of course, no one says that you need to go to great lengths. Even a romantic date does not mean that you plan to build a relationship with this person or have a sexual relationship. However, allowing yourself to unwind and distract yourself for a while is an extremely useful thing for those who want to fall out of love. So there will be less and less space for the unwanted person in your mind. Use caution and balance, and then a casual date with a new acquaintance will not turn into another disaster for you.
Brief conclusions on the topic “How to stop loving?”
"Parting is a little death"
– it seems to me that this is a completely relevant idea from the song. And each way of “processing” love, in fact, is also a small death of some specific love.
As for me, for love, the formulation “digestion of love” is still more relevant in meaning than “deliverance” or “interruption,” since the latter presupposes some kind of complete disappearance of something without a trace or leaving it in the past without reflection in the present, and “digestion” implies internal conclusions and a new state that affect life now.
In the process of “digesting” the feelings of love and infatuation, it is important to maintain a multifaceted balance of different processes. It is important to connect the rational, emotional and behavioral sides of life, to replace loneliness with contact, as well as free time with activities and worries. This is a complex, ambiguous and everyone has their own individual way of overcoming infatuation and love.
It’s funny, I’ve already written 3 articles about love and touched on the topics of what kind of love is pain, and how to stop loving... But I haven’t written yet about what love is! And this is exactly what will be discussed in my next article.
In the meantime, if you have questions, feedback, thoughts and ideas about what was written, wishes, you can share them in the comments. If you have a personal situation that requires special attention, you can sign up for a consultation with me, where we will explore how to stop loving you specifically in your life circumstances.
Occupy your head 5
Unrequited love is a great reason to work 24 hours a day. The more time you devote to work or hobbies, the less time will be left for stupid thoughts and absurd love suffering. Set yourself a goal, the achievement of which will require you to exert mental effort. Let it imply not just the need to devote an hour a day to it; it should take up all your free time. Transform yourself briefly into a mad scientist or a distraught businessman whose only goal is to realize his intentions. Of course, this should be done without compromising health and other important values; however, we believe the main idea is clear.
Over time, you will be able to kill two birds with one stone: and grow as a person, two heads ahead of your work colleagues or competitors; and gradually forget about failed love, clearing space for new happiness.
Do yoga or meditation practices6
Yes, maybe becoming enlightened was not in your immediate plans. But it’s not for nothing that they say that yoga heals everything. Meditation and yogic practices are a great way to deal with mental stress. Including the stress of separation. It is best to engage in spiritual practices under the guidance of a mentor; since during meditation various mental reactions may arise associated with the liberation of the unconscious from negative experiences - anger, sadness, resentment, and so on. But this same effect allows you to free yourself from painful experiences, clear your mind and calm down.
Redirect your feelings in a constructive direction 7
Turn experiences into fuel for achievements in other areas. Unrequited or failed love is actually a complex of other states - passion, desire to be together, anger and aggression. A significant place is given to addiction in this cocktail. All of the above feelings, although implicit, contain very great potential. There may be bright and pure love in them, but it is not as much as is commonly believed.
And if you manage to ride this wild beast called “unrequited love” and learn to control this energy, you can achieve impressive heights. There are many people who, after parting with their loved ones, defend doctoral dissertations, create their own businesses, and realize their creativity.
Is there a cure for love?
Love fever is not chickenpox and you won’t be able to simply “get over” it. This feeling appears suddenly when a person least expects it. Attempts to come up with something to get rid of love have been made by scientists since time immemorial. Many methods were used: prayer, bloodletting, strict routine, exhausting sports. Of course, the measures taken did not bring the desired result, because love is not a disease of the body.
There is still no medicine. However, neuroscientists assure that in the future doctors will have a tool in their arsenal to suppress any emotions. Scientists have noticed that in the initial stages, love is similar to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). This means that drugs that help with OCD will also work in suppressing dependence on the object of desire. But this theory has not been proven, so you can’t expect help from pharmacology.
