How to stop depending on other people's opinions: 13 tips

When a person is not confident in himself, doubts his strengths and actions, he reacts sharply to the assessment of others.

He is afraid of being judged and constantly strives to please people. At the same time, he does not notice those close to him who accept him with all his shortcomings, but is fixated on those who criticize him.

Fear of condemnation is a prison into which an insecure person drives himself, but can free himself at any moment.

This article contains 7 tips that will help you learn not to depend on the opinions of others.

Tip #1. Focus your attention on the current moment in time

To overcome dependence on other people's opinions and stop constantly thinking about what this or that person thinks about you, learn to focus your attention on the current moment in time. Focus on the event that is happening here and now. It is the current moment in time that can rightfully be called the most important event in your life, because the whole life of any person consists of the moments that he lives in the present. The past cannot be returned, no matter how much we want it, and the future is just an illusion and a fantasy that may or may not come true.

If you learn to focus your attention on the current moment of your life and think more about yourself and your affairs, then you will have virtually no time left to worry about whether other people approve of your lifestyle.

Quote for inspiration from Napoleon Hill:

Be free

Try to be yourself. And the more you focus on the idea of your freedom, the better you will feel. Only you can decide what to wear, what to say, what to do. This is only your choice, in which you are free and do not have to look back at anyone. And you will immediately feel the difference.

From the editor

People who are concerned about others' opinions of themselves suffer from insecurity and may believe that self-love is selfishness and bad manners. However, psychologist Vladimir Kuts is sure that these different concepts should not be confused: .

Psychological teenagers and immature individuals are also dependent on other people’s opinions. We all know them very well! Psychologist Anna Vaasi explains how to behave with such people: .

Codependent people are often prone to a pathological fear of “what will they think of me.” Victoria Sando explains what codependency is and how to deal with it : .

Tip #2. Be aware of the fact that people around you prefer to think only about themselves

Almost all people with a healthy psyche think only about themselves, their affairs, problems, worries, joys and failures. Each of us lives in our own world and moves at our own pace, and most individuals simply do not have time to think about the people around them.

If you doubt the veracity of this statement, then simply analyze your normal day. How much time do you spend evaluating this or that person and forming an opinion about him? Do you give up sleep, rest, pleasant time with family and friends just to think about the actions or deeds of some individual? If any thoughts arise in your head about another person, then most often this happens completely spontaneously. Such thoughts appear involuntarily in the head and disappear almost immediately.

So the people around us are busy with their current affairs. Most of them have neither the time nor the inclination to evaluate the thoughts, actions, feelings and deeds of their fellow humans. Those people who spend their lives discussing other people cannot be called mentally healthy, spiritually developed and full-fledged individuals. What difference does it make to you what an inferior person thinks about you (if he thinks!)?

Quote for inspiration from Arthur Bloch:

Reasons for depending on other people's opinions

It is difficult to stop depending on public opinion, but it is quite possible. Initially, it is worth understanding the reasons for this dependence. Here are some of the reasons:

A person constantly experiences a feeling of imperfection when looking at others. This may concern appearance, material well-being or personal life;
Competition is present in any society and everyone wants to take first place, even if he denies it in every possible way;
During the formation of the psyche in adolescence, certain stereotypes and ideas about a good life are deposited in the head of the future personality. In adulthood, a person begins to unconsciously evaluate both himself and others according to these criteria.

Addiction breeds fear

People have several types of fear in relation to society:

fear of negative evaluation;
fear of not being accepted in a new society;
fear of attention deficit in society.

Such fears can lead a person to social phobia.

Tip #3. Be the person you have always dreamed of being!

Do they judge other people by themselves? Some psychologists insist that this statement is true, while others insist that it is a blatant lie and a shameless provocation, but everyone agrees that someone else’s opinion of a person is very rarely based on his own real beliefs and actions. The fact is that every person you know has a certain opinion about you, which does not always correspond to the real state of affairs.

All your dentist knows about you is that you are a patient and polite patient who always refuses anesthesia and endures the worst toothaches. The hairdresser, to whom you once made an appointment for a haircut and were dissatisfied with his work, will think that you are a capricious and eccentric client with unruly hair and a terrible character.

Each of the people you know knows you only from a certain side. Your nearest and dearest people will not be able to fully understand you, since each of us has our own special qualities, which, like the dark side of the Moon, no one will ever see. That is why only you know exactly who you really are and what set of positive and negative characteristics you possess.

Develop your strengths and constructive sides, fight against weak and destructive qualities, always, regardless of other people's approval or censure, act as you want, and simply become the person you have always wanted and dreamed of being!

Quote for inspiration from Pythagoras:

Irrational obsession with public opinion

There are no random events in evolution, and to understand the real reason for this madness, let's go back to 50,000 BC. e., when your distant ancestor lived in a small tribe.

Being part of this tribe is very important to him, his survival depends on it. Ancient people hunt together, protect each other, and outcasts die. So for your distant ancestor, there is nothing more important than agreement with his fellow tribesmen, especially with authoritative alpha males.

If he does not agree with everyone and please the people of his tribe, he will be considered strange, annoying and unpleasant, and then he will be kicked out of the tribe altogether and left to die alone.

If he pursues a woman from his tribe and their relationship ends before it begins, she will tell all the women in the tribe about his failure. And all the women with whom he could have a relationship, having learned about the failure, will also reject him.

So staying in society at that time was everything, and everything was done to ensure that you were accepted.

Many years have passed, but social hysteria continues to torment people. Now we don’t need approval from every person so much, but the search for social approval and the paralyzing fear of not being liked by other people seems to have remained in our genes and does not think of disappearing anywhere.

Let's call this obsession the social survival mammoth, or the inner mammoth. It looks something like this:

image from Wait But Why website

For your distant cave ancestor, having an inner mammoth was the key to survival and prosperity. It was simple: feed the mammoth well with social approval and carefully monitor his fears about disagreement, and everything will be fine.

This system worked perfectly well 50,000 BC. e. And 30,000 BC. e., and even 20,000 years after that. But gradually society changed, and with it the needs changed. But biology has not had time to adapt to it, which is strange, until now.

Our body and our mind are still made as if we were to live in 50,000 BC. e. This cave style of survival in society is no longer relevant, but it continues to torment us.

Now, in 2014, we continue to be haunted by a large, hungry and timid mammoth who still thinks like he did in 50,000 BC. e.

Otherwise, why are you going through four outfits, but can’t decide what to wear?

image from Wait But Why website

The mammoth's nightmares about bad experiences with the opposite sex made your ancestors cautious and smart, but now the mammoth's advice makes you simply indecisive and pathetic.

image from Wait But Why website

The mammoth interferes with the impulses of creativity and does not allow itself to express itself due to fear of failure.

image from Wait But Why website

The mammoth constantly has outbursts of fear, he is afraid of public reproach, and this plays a huge role in many areas of life.

This is the reason why you are afraid to go to a restaurant or to the cinema alone, because it is strange. The reason is that parents worry too much about what college their child will go to. The reason for marriages without love and a lucrative career without dedication and passion for their work.

The mammoth must be fed, and fed constantly. He thrives on approval and the feeling that he is on the right side of any moral or social dilemma.

Why else would you choose your Facebook photos so carefully? Why do you brag to your friends, even if you later regret it?

Society has an interest in maintaining this mammoth-dependent model. It introduces titles and awards, the very concept of prestige, to keep the mammoth happy and force people to do essentially unnecessary things and live flawed lives that they would never have chosen if not for the mammoth.

In addition, the mammoth wants to adapt and be like everyone else. He looks around all the time to understand what other people are doing, and when he understands, he immediately copies their behavior. To see this, just look at the photographs of two college graduations from different years.

image from Wait But Why website

An “acceptable” prestigious education also became part of the mammoth’s food.

image from Wait But Why website

Sometimes the mammoth focuses not on the general public, but on winning the approval of the puppeteer. This is a person or group of people whose opinion means SO much to you that it actually determines every aspect of your life.

Often parents or ringleaders in the company of friends become puppeteers. You can even make someone you don’t know very well or even a celebrity you don’t know your puppeteer (as teenagers often do).

We desire the approval of our puppeteer more than any other, and are terrified at the thought of disappointing or upsetting him.

In such a poisonous relationship with the puppet master, your opinions and moral beliefs are completely his, and it depends on him what they will be.

And while so much thought and energy is spent on the needs of the inner mammoth, there is someone else constantly present in your brain. It is always in the very center of your Self - this is your authentic voice.

image from Wait But Why website

Your authentic voice knows everything about you. In contrast to the strict dualism of a simple mammoth, for which there is only white and black, the authentic voice is comprehensive and complex, sometimes not very clear, constantly evolving and not knowing fear.

Your authentic voice has its own moral principles, which are based on experience, feelings and personal views, on compassion and honesty.

He knows how you feel about money, family and relationships; which people, interests and types of activities really bring you pleasure and which don’t. Your authentic voice understands that it does not know how your life should go, but it senses the right path.

While the mammoth relies only on the external world when making decisions, the authentic voice uses the external world to collect and learn information, but when it comes time to make decisions, everything it needs is already in the brain.

The mammoth constantly ignores the true voice. For example, if a self-confident person expresses his opinion, the mammoth turns into a rumor. And the desperate pleas of the inner voice are rejected and ignored until someone expresses such a point of view.

And when our brain, acting according to the laws of distant ancestors, continues to give the mammoth too much power, the authentic voice begins to feel superfluous. He becomes silent, loses motivation and disappears.

image from Wait But Why website

Eventually the man, controlled by the mammoth, loses touch with his true voice. In tribal times, this was normal, because all that was needed was to agree and conform, and the mammoth does this very well.

But today, when the world has become much wider and fuller, and people are exposed to many cultures and individuals, opinions and opportunities, losing the inner voice becomes a danger.

When you don't know who you really are, the only decision-making mechanism you have is the outdated needs of your emotional mammoth.

And when it comes to the most personal and most important questions, instead of plunging inside yourself and finding the answer to all questions in the foggy variability of your Self, you simply look at those around you and look for answers in them. As a result, you become some kind of mixture of the strongest opinions of those people who surround you. And certainly not by myself.

Also, losing touch with your authentic voice makes you weak. When your identity is supported only by the approval and recognition of those around you, the criticism and judgment of others will really hurt.

Of course, defeat is painful enough for everyone, but for people led by a mammoth, it means much more than for people with a strong, authentic voice.

People with a developed “real self” have an inner core that helps them hold on and continue to do their job, but a mammoth-dependent person has only the desire to fit in with others and no core, so failures for him are a real disaster.

For example, do you know people who cannot take even constructive criticism, and sometimes can even take revenge for it? These people are mammoth obsessed, and they get so mad about criticism because they can't handle disapproval.

image from Wait But Why website

After all that has been said, it becomes clear: you need to find a way to curb your inner mammoth. This is the only opportunity to take life back into your own hands and control it.

Tip #4. Understand that you can't please everyone

Each person has his own internal philosophy, his own principles, beliefs and outlook on life. Therefore, it is simply impossible to please everyone without exception. Some will admire your way of life, while others will be disgusted.

If you arouse antipathy in someone, then you should not take it personally, because there have been cases in your life when some complete stranger aroused negative feelings in you. There is no need to worry about this, get upset, constantly replay the same situation in your head and think about what you need to correct in yourself in order to earn the approval of this person.

Don't waste your precious time trying to live up to other people's expectations. Live your life in a way that makes you comfortable, and allow other people to follow their own path.

Don’t forget that other people’s opinions should be viewed through the prism of dynamics, not statics. At any moment, this opinion can change in the most dramatic way. Many people give up their initial judgments very easily. And if yesterday your action evoked admiration and approval from someone, today approval can turn into censure. Therefore, it does not matter what other people think about you, because it does not affect your life in any way.

Quote for inspiration from Mikhail Litvak:

Afterword

A dependent person does not know himself. In this, adults but dependent people are similar to preschoolers. Those who have not yet developed self-esteem, they draw conclusions about themselves based on the assessments and judgments of others. So you still look at the words of others as your mirror reflection.

It's time to grow up. To do this, you need to do a lot of self-knowledge. Study your temperament, character, abilities. Make it a rule to analyze whose judgments control you: personal or familiar people. Work on your personal boundaries.

To work through psychological trauma and eliminate post-traumatic syndrome, I recommend contacting a psychotherapist.

Tip #5. Pay attention only to constructive criticism

Sometimes it is impossible to make the right decision without an outside perspective. In such cases, someone else's opinion may have some meaning for you, but only when it is adequate and constructive.

Listen only to the opinions of loved ones and loved ones whom you can completely trust. If you know for sure that this or that person wishes only the best for you and sincerely rejoices at your successes, then you can listen to his opinion.

Don't forget that another person's opinion is just his point of view, and not the ultimate truth. Listen carefully to and thank someone you trust for constructive criticism, but don't rush into a decision. Each person is independently responsible for all his thoughts, feelings, actions and deeds. Take this into account when making your choice.

Someone else's constructive opinion is very good, but only you have the right to decide how to act in a given situation. Therefore, always remember your goals, desires, preferences and individual characteristics. If a person hates oranges because he is allergic to them, then this is not a reason to refuse to eat these healthy and tasty fruits for those people who do not have any allergic reactions to citrus fruits!

Quote for inspiration from Albert Einstein:

Define yourself

If I don't define myself, others define me. If I don't recognize that I have value, and others at that moment tell me that I am worthless, then I will label myself as worthless.

If I give myself the definition that I am simply super, then in my mind “the place is taken”, where “nothing” could be labeled, “I am super” is already emblazoned. Therefore, define yourself, do not wait for others to do it for you.

Tip #6. Analyze your personality

To improve your life and remove dependence on other people’s opinions from it, you need to analyze your own personality. This analysis must be conscious, adequate and objective. Under no circumstances do you carry out an analysis just to punish yourself once again and prove to yourself that you are an insignificant and worthless gray mouse.

Take the position of an outside observer and try to “catch” those obsessive feelings and thoughts that you fall victim to again and again. Pull these thoughts and feelings out of your subconscious and break them down into atoms until they no longer negatively affect you and turn your daily existence into sheer torture!

From early childhood, adults convinced us that good boys and girls should not be angry, angry, irritated or anxious, because some strange aunt or some equally strange uncle might not like it. To prevent these strange adults from being offended by us and thinking badly of us, we must constantly smile and do everything possible to please the people around us.

Comfortable, pliable (plasticine is a stone compared to them!) and dependent on the opinions of others, boys and girls grew up and became adult men and women who still believe that only terrible, disgusting, spoiled people can experience negative feelings and emotions and monsters undeserving of love and respect. And although many people understand that children's attitudes have nothing to do with the reality around them, they continue to believe that public opinion significantly influences their own lives.

But will the Sun stop shining if your lifestyle does not evoke any positive emotions in your neighbor? Will humanity cease to exist if you do what you want, and not your friend? Someone else's opinion is just another person's opinion. Do you have anything to do with this opinion? No way!

Quote for inspiration from Neil Donald Walsh:

What to do if there is fear?

Ask yourself the question: “How will it end?” Logic and common sense in this case can greatly

help. Ask: “If I do what I want, what will happen?” And honestly give yourself full perspective.

The husband will be offended, fall into deep depression and become an alcoholic. Mom will worry and drink valerian endlessly. The girlfriends will all faint at once. And the geography teacher will urgently organize a parent meeting to raise money for her son’s rehabilitation.

Weigh the real negative consequences of your decision. And then paint a picture of happiness. I am a free woman. I have the opportunity to take care of myself and find new hobbies. I can communicate with interesting men and spend weekends with my girlfriends.

Tip #7. Start getting rid of the fears that prevent you from being yourself

Many individuals who depend on the opinions of others understand and realize perfectly well that the thoughts of other people have nothing to do with them. But they cannot feel like free, happy and self-sufficient people, since they are hindered by certain fears.

Sometimes it can be very scary to change your usual way of thinking, try something new and do things that you would never do before. If you are used to living the way you live, are used to listening to the opinions of everyone around you, are used to not paying attention to your needs, are used to thinking that you are worse than others, then getting rid of all these habits is quite difficult.

There are many different ways to get rid of fears, so anyone can use the trial and error method to find their ideal option. Start practicing asceticism, create your own wish map, find time to meditate, try saying affirmations every day, read the right books, watch the right movies, etc. Sooner or later, you will definitely find your own method and gain the opportunity to not only overcome your dependence on other people’s opinions, but also be able to clear your mind of information junk and find peace of mind!

Quote for inspiration from Coco Chanel:

How not to lose your individuality

...and stop depending on the opinions of others?

Our individuality evaporates under the onslaught . How we look, how we behave and what goals we set for ourselves, what we want from life - all this is our individuality. Freedom is the most important thing a person has. To take away freedom means to take away a person’s life. One should never lose one's self. The system is built in such a way that people who are different and different from each other are not always accepted by society. Of course, if we pay attention to the views and opinions of passers-by, we will not be liberated, we will not begin to truly live. Everyone sees themselves differently, so everyone wants to express themselves. Interesting and unique people get lost among thousands of passers-by because they are afraid of other people's opinions.

In order to stop depending on the opinion of society, it is worth understanding that:

The opinions of others are just opinions, no one forces you to listen to them and change anything. Often people, condemning someone's action, do not notice that they themselves have committed a similar thing. After all, it is always easier to condemn than to understand.
Sometimes people's opinions about the same thing are completely opposite, and it will not be possible to please the whole society as a whole. There will always be someone who will find something negative even in the most noble deed.
It is impossible to live constantly looking at others; your personal opinion should always come first.

The way others see us is not us

What others think about us never touches the truth. All ideas are illusions. A person will not be able to immerse himself in your state, probe your inner world and your vision of it.

The opinions of others are the complete opposite of our true knowledge and values. When you listen to others, agree and blame yourself for being different, it puts an end to your personality and its development. Remember: what others think about you is not who you are.

Surround yourself with the present

Our environment influences us - that's a fact. Among deceitful and hypocritical people we become spoiled. Try not to be around people you don't like. Look for people who are like you, non-judgmental and willing to listen. Choose the right company, this is very important for the further formation of your personality.

Your choice

You are your choice. The main thing is to do it without thinking. Don’t lie to yourself, talk to yourself, ask provocative questions, but answer them honestly. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Confidence in yourself and your abilities will not give anyone a chance to attract attention, and no one will be able to offend you and your views.

Gossip

Gossip creates problems and can make mountains out of molehills like nothing else. Don't create gossip or listen to it. Understand: if they talk about you, you are always ahead. But who are these people who are so interested in other people's lives? It's simple: they have a surprisingly small world, and they have not seen anything beyond their stereotypical knowledge. When they come across an interesting and somewhat strange person who is trying to express himself, they condemn what they cannot understand. There will always be a herd in any society.

Immunity

Develop an immunity to strength and special indifference to the opinions of others. All this only complicates your path. Do and look the way you want. There will be no other chances and life for this.

Tip #8. Objectively evaluate people who express their opinions about you

If you want to forget about what it is to depend on other people’s opinions, then you need to learn to objectively and adequately evaluate those people who express their opinions about you. How to do it? Now we'll tell you!

If, for example, you met a neighbor on the landing whose shape is far from ideal, and she casually told you that it would not hurt you to lose a few extra pounds, then you do not need to be upset and immediately run to the refrigerator to throw it out. all high-calorie foods. Turn off your emotions, take the position of an outside observer and objectively evaluate your neighbor.

Can an overweight woman give you this kind of advice? Is there any point in listening to the opinions of those people who are not role models? It often happens that toxic people who express their opinions about you are simply jealous of you, want to ruin your mood, lower your self-esteem, etc.

If a person has achieved success in one area or another and advises you something in a polite manner, then you can listen to such advice. If a person who has not achieved anything in life is trying to impose his opinion on you, then why should you listen to him?

Why do you care what your neighbor thinks of you? Let her first put her body in order and, through her example, prove to herself and those around her that her advice has a right to exist. If people were more concerned with themselves and their own affairs, then they simply would not have time to discuss and judge other people.

Quote for inspiration from Cristiano Ronaldo:

Abstract from pride and shame, do not get attached to positive reviews

If positive reviews mean a lot to you, then all the negative ones will inevitably touch and hurt. But no one considers positive reviews their problem, no one complains about them. We become attached to positive assessments and begin to especially appreciate people who consider us extraordinary, beautiful, and kind. But the more one pole means to us, the more the other weighs.

If you really want to free yourself from the importance of human evaluation, then you will have to free yourself from everything in general. That is, it should no longer matter whether people like you or not.

It happens that when alone with yourself you begin to think and tell yourself how “cool and smart you were”, how “great everything turned out for you”, you slightly exaggerate your success in order to see yourself above others for at least a few seconds. Then life will immediately try to remind you with a beautiful light blow where you really belong. Your place is at the level of others. But since you imagine yourself to be superior, you will have to be dunked a little in the shit so that true balance is quickly restored. Because you are as extraordinary as you are a complete nonentity. We are all the unity of these two opposites.

Therefore, free yourself from shame and from the feeling of your own importance in the sense of superiority over others.

Tip #9. Spend less time on social networks

Before the advent of social networks, people took photographs for only one purpose: to preserve the memory of a fun trip, an important event, a long-awaited meeting, etc. Photos dear to the heart were printed out and stored in albums, which were shown only to close and dear people.

Nowadays, most people take pictures only to post the next photo on a social network and collect as many likes as possible. Comments and ratings from complete strangers, many of whom the user who posted the photo is not familiar with, become the criteria by which the level of success is measured in the modern world.

In order for other users to rate your photos highly and leave pleasant comments, you need to constantly post new photos, otherwise people will think that your life is not bright, interesting and exciting enough. That is why individuals who depend on other people’s opinions and likes constantly take new photos and regularly post them on social networks. And to make these photos interesting, attractive and arousing delight and envy among other people, active users of social networks have to constantly visit new places, buy branded clothes, hang out in nightclubs, meet boring and uninteresting acquaintances, etc.

If you want to overcome addiction to other people's opinions, you need to spend less time on social networks. Ideally, you should give up using social networks at least for a while, because living for show and the meaningless pursuit of likes, comments and subscribers takes a lot of vital energy and does not allow you to rest and relax.

Quote for inspiration from Pierre Boiste:

The impact of addiction on a person's life

Fear of public opinion greatly influences the life of any person. Having succumbed to internal fears, we get a job we don’t like, get married and start families with the wrong person, and give up hobbies. Deep in our souls we suffer, worry and suffer, without feeling truly free, joyful and happy. How does dependence on other people's opinions affect our lives?

Loss of self. Under pressure from others, a person consciously abandons his inner world, building his life as others suggest, without making his own vital decisions.
Assessment from the outside. People suffering from this phobia are constantly guided by the opinions of others, since they need their actions to be constantly approved. They are easily influenced by more purposeful individuals.
Parents are always right. For such people, their whole life will correspond to what mom and dad said. Parents will decide what the child should do, what college to go to, where to go to work, with whom to arrange a personal life and how to raise children. Even as an adult, such a person will coordinate all his actions with his parents, being afraid to make his own decisions.
Inability to defend one's views. Due to constant pressure from elders, a child in childhood does not develop the skill of defending his own position and opinion. As an adult, he has to reap the fruits of this fear. Since he does not have his own clearly formed outlook on life, someone else's opinion will always be authoritative and correct.
The desire to be like someone. Adhering to this principle, a person is afraid to stand out from the crowd and become a “black sheep”, preferring a simpler way out - to be like everyone else.

Dependence on other people's opinions can greatly complicate a person's life, depriving him of inner freedom and the opportunity to build a life in accordance with his own desires.

Find a role model

Find someone in whom you admire self-respect and independence, and be guided by that example. This will help fill your lack of self-confidence, and you will begin to more clearly imagine the future you dream of.

We only have one life, and it's too short. Do you really want to live it constantly worrying about other people's opinions? Are you ready to always do only what others say? If they tell you that work at a company is going wrong, then don’t listen to other people’s negativity. It’s better to order a professional audit, thanks to which you yourself can put your affairs in order and achieve your goals.

Second answer

Everyone knows that most people seek approval from other people, some to a greater extent, some to a lesser extent. Ultimately, some people bend under the pressure of society, while others, on the contrary, rebel and try in every possible way to destroy the framework created by others. And yet, what exactly is the nature of this dependence?

Any person strives to be praised and respected, although, of course, there are exceptions, people who strive to go against established principles, such behavior helps them feel unique among the mass of faceless individuals. It is in those moments when a person experiences the spirit of rebellion that he becomes motivated to work, the strength appears to resist other people’s opinions, at such moments he clearly sees goals and goes towards them, despite hardships. This phenomenon has been mentioned more than once in the literature of many classics, who more than once wrote essays on “why many people depend on the opinions of others”