The age of such a concept as adultery is comparable in time to the existence of the very institution of marriage and family. Anna Karenina, the heroine of the work of the same name by L. N. Tolstoy, was unable to survive the loss of reputation and honor after betraying her husband, and decided to commit suicide by throwing herself under the wheels of a passing train. Betrayal by a lover is no easier to endure, so women who find themselves in such a difficult life situation wonder if their husband has changed what to do. Advice from a psychologist and practical recommendations to restore emotional balance and get rid of psychological stress are in the text below.
Physiology and love
Among representatives of the animal world, the need to leave behind viable offspring is genetically determined. There is an opinion that male polygamy comes from there, from antiquity.
Male love first flares up at the hormonal level and only then develops into warm affection. Sometimes she disappears without a trace after defeating the object of desire.
Women's character is different. She is the owner and does not intend to share with anyone. At the same time, a psychological connection arises much faster, so parting with a partner turns into a tragedy.
Another reason for male infidelity lies in the difference in temperament. Some live by the novelty of impressions, including sexual ones, which give them internal energy for achievements.
Genetic causes of male infidelity
According to scientists' research, the centers responsible for attraction, desire and moral attachment work autonomously. At the same time, some people tend to change partners for pleasure more often than others. From a scientific point of view, this is explained by the activation of the dopamine D4 receptor in the body.
The second is the work of instincts. They require variety to increase the likelihood of conceiving an heir. The most interesting thing is that in the process of evolution, men and women have developed different requirements for procreation. If “more” dominates in the stronger sex, then “better” is more important for the fair sex.
Out of my heart!
In general, it was decided with the man. What to do with your rival? Nothing! And especially there is no need to: - discredit her. If you say that she has crooked legs or that she is a fool, it is possible that her husband will begin to defend her. And who, tell me, will benefit from this? — call her and make appointments. It doesn’t matter what you do - start crying, appeal to her conscience, begging her to leave your family alone and have pity on the children, call her a “goat” or grab her by the hair. You are working on your self-esteem, and humiliating yourself, being weak (and such a call/meeting is nothing more than a manifestation of weakness) is not in your interests;
- try to make friends with her. It still won't work! Moreover, it will worsen the situation. Communication with someone who is vying for your man will cause negative emotions that need to be put somewhere. Who will you take it out on? Most likely, the one who provoked such a situation - the man. Even if you don’t tell him anything, you will begin to get irritated, which will cause a response and will further worsen the relationship.
Just tell yourself that this woman does not exist and remove her from your life!
The main reasons for husband's cheating: psychology
The standards of the family institution presuppose monogamy and elevate fidelity to the rank of virtue. The upbringing of boys is carried out in the same direction, with the exception of the initially free morals in the parental union. With such attitudes, a reason is not even required; a person follows his desires without recognizing prohibitions. In other cases, there are prerequisites.
- Differences in temperaments. It is often detected during long-term cohabitation.
- Stability and monotony pushes you to search for adventure. Most often, a man returns to the family nest, having received his portion of the happiness hormone.
- Self-affirmation through new intimate contacts is required to increase self-esteem and gain confidence. Alternatively, the reason lies in following stereotypes.
- Falling in love provokes biochemical reactions in the body that are difficult to resist. Usually it rarely develops into a serious feeling, especially if mutual understanding and harmony reign in the family.
Long business trips stand out separately, when a partner is replaced due to physiological necessity and there is resentment towards the spouse, who pushes into the arms of another.
Love, family, betrayal
Creating a family requires joint efforts, and this is not a one-time event. The secret of many happy married couples lies in constant care, the search for compromise and the ability to hear the partner. If such a balance is not found in the first years of life, then you should not be surprised that in the 4th-5th year, affairs will begin. We will have to look for the origins of when and why husbands begin to cheat on their wives in family relationships.
Psychologist Daria Milai
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Another enemy of fidelity is banal boredom. After several years of a quiet life, sexual games do not differ in variety, the partner’s reactions have long been familiar, there is no novelty or drive. Some couples will go the long way, discussing the problem and starting experiments on the personal front. Others dive into the whirlpool of new acquaintances and sensations, not caring about the feelings of their spouse.
An interesting phenomenon is the midlife crisis. It more often overtakes those who follow the beaten path with blinkered eyes. Suddenly a man discovers that almost half of his life is behind him, and he has not seen, known, or tried. In their love affairs, they try to find lost youth, forgetting about a reliable shoulder nearby.
Age assessment.
Unfortunately, in some situations, when it is known that the husband has cheated, advice dictates that you analyze your age at the beginning of the proceedings, since men are able to find a wife at any age, but women, alas, are not. Everyone understands perfectly well that men primarily look at the external parameters of attractiveness, and value almost ideal ones.
- 20-25 years is the most popular age, so you don’t have to think twice about it if you’re not completely crazy in love;
- 25-30 - less chance, but appearance will work wonders, feel free to start searching for your next potential spouse;
- 30-35 - you can find a man of your own age, but more often you will come across one who has been paying alimony to his ex for a long time; if you are lucky, then a very successful almost virgin;
- 35 or more - the chances are approaching zero, because due to the dying of the reproductive function, the female zest evaporates, here, when the husband cheats (how to behave), the psychologist’s advice says that you need to be, if not more restrained, then at least more neutral. (see How to save a family after your husband cheats?)
Think and read: How to take revenge on your husband for cheating?
How do men explain their infidelity?
Speculations of the fair half of humanity about why men cheat on women most often do not coincide with the opinion of the stronger sex. To understand the situation, you need to listen to both sides. From a male point of view:
- a little romance with an ex-girlfriend will not harm family life;
- light flirting has not been canceled;
- 1-2 meetings on neutral territory cannot be considered a full-fledged betrayal;
- a condom guarantees fidelity to the spouse, the rest does not count;
- necessary for health on frequent business trips;
- the position of a leader obliges.
In addition to the most common ones, there are many other reasons. It is interesting that men are often perplexed in response to a woman’s insult; they sincerely do not understand what happened and what they did wrong.
Kings or Destroyers?
Men are like kings who often enough find themselves in the ruins of their kingdom. They are destroyers. This is their psychology.
It is no coincidence that the commandment “Thou shalt not commit adultery!” has existed since ancient times and remains relevant today. This is a serious warning to men: betrayal is a path to loss of health. Relentless statistics show that out of sixteen representatives of the stronger sex who suffered a heart attack, eleven were victims of affairs.
In general, treason remains treason, deceit and betrayal, no matter what verbal garb it is dressed up in. It is not the strength of a man’s sexual desires, but the weakness of his psyche that leads to cheating on his wife. And the glorified predisposition of men to polygamy is a mixture of immaturity and cowardice, immaturity and weakness of personality. This is the inability to make serious and responsible decisions, the lack of readiness for independent action.
Men find it difficult to accept that they are getting old and will die sooner or later, no matter how many lovers they have had or what kind of beds they have been in. And a family where you are needed, where they believe in you and love you, probably means more than a series of sexual affairs. So why do men cheat on their wives? Psychology does not give us an exact answer.
Is every man capable of change?
Theoretically, yes. In practice, not everyone needs dubious adventures; many value the stability and feelings of their spouse.
It is useless to re-educate the so-called “womanizers”. They consider it their duty to mark any territory and are promiscuous in their relationships, since for them the main thing is quantity, not quality. At the same time, they love comfort and return to the familiar atmosphere of the family with enviable consistency.
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The other category includes weak-willed people who are accustomed to being led. They quickly submit to a woman with a strong character, and things can come to the destruction of the official marriage.
Advice for loving wives
Most women are endowed with worldly wisdom, regardless of age. They intuitively feel who will be comfortable with and who will bring a huge load of problems. They will not wonder whether a husband can cheat if he loves his wife, but will try to reduce the risk of third-party affairs to a minimum.
Following a few rules will help preserve the family unit.
- Unconditional love that does not require response or reward is held in high esteem.
- Do not make categorical claims, but try to establish a dialogue and come to a compromise.
- In addition to common interests, you need to have your own, do interesting things and constantly maintain a slight intrigue in communication.
Instead of dull everyday life, you will get a constant desire to understand the inner world and interests of your partner, and this is much more exciting than the usual course of events.
Why men cheat but prefer to stay in the family
There is no clear answer why all men cheat on their wives, even if they love them. Sometimes a combination of circumstances and loss of self-control are to blame; in other cases, it is not even possible to get a clear explanation.
A radical break in an established relationship is not beneficial for a man. He does not know what awaits him in an alliance with another woman; the familiar way of life is much nicer than unknown distances.
Passivity and laziness act as a kind of anchors that hold you back from taking decisive steps. The famous “maybe” often works; suddenly everything will work out, and no one will know about the little affair.
Love for children also becomes an important reason to preserve family relationships, as does confidence in the exclusivity of the spouse.
Retreat plan: thinking through the details
Have you decided to stay? Start Googling a psychotherapist: without his help it will be difficult. Make an appointment with a neurologist or psychiatrist: adequate sedatives will not hurt.
Cheating on your husband is a serious traumatic experience. You can be as cheerful as you want in public, but it’s always difficult to cope with it. The body definitely needs to be supported. It’s not your body’s fault, it didn’t cheat and the vitamins worked.
Take care of yourself: your money, your studies, your career, your business. When putting the brakes on one betrayal, you need to understand that there will be another. Make sure she doesn't take you by surprise.
Are you going to leave? You also need to end the relationship wisely:
Tendency to cheat by zodiac sign
Looking for why guys cheat based only on their date of birth is, at the very least, unreasonable. It happens that two people born on the same day, but with a difference of several hours, will be diametrically opposed in character and habits. But there is a benefit from a personal horoscope; it warns about typical characteristics:
- Aries is harsh in judgment and quick-tempered, but prefers an interesting, strong permanent partner;
- Taurus seeks adventure in his youth, gradually learning the values of a strong family and becoming a faithful husband;
- Geminis are flighty and temperamental, but they will commit infidelity only out of resentment or revenge;
- Leos are regal, courageous and generous, inclined to create a harem, where everyone will feel like a queen, but when they meet the only one, they are ready to be with her all their lives;
- Virgo is restrained and pedantic, which she also demands from her partner; she leaves for another only after systematic disappointment in the object of her adoration;
- Libras are romantics and dreamers, it is important to be on the same wavelength with them and then the storms of life will bypass the family;
- Sagittarius is an extreme person and a connoisseur of freedom, he will be there as long as his wife is able to surprise him, without trying to put him on a short leash;
- Capricorn is practical and unhurried, values material wealth, strives for it and demands the same from his wife; a common goal is necessary;
- Aquarians honestly try to improve their lives and relationships, but if they fail, they abruptly change their partner;
- Pisces are completely given over to love, spiritual unity is more important to them than bodily pleasures, they rarely cheat, being in the grip of their fantasies, they value care.
Count the marriages!
Imagine a plot where a wedding took place, ten years later the wife finds out from her friend that her husband cheated . What to do ? How to behave ? With such a picture, you want to jump on the walls from pain, so it is inappropriate to listen to the advice of a psychologist if the marriage is already established and, roughly speaking, “rooted in the soil.” If your husband is still cheating and you have a child together, focus on the number of marriages, not only legally registered, but also civil ones. Men themselves look more at their number due to disgust in bed. They sometimes compare women to cars - the more owners there were, the less in price. There is no way to deny this argument, because it is true. Of course, you can try to hide some facts that, in your opinion, will never be revealed, but it is advisable to think about this factor.
A man who claims to be a husband in your family, knowing their true number, will begin to bother. Most men who have not had the experience of inconstancy are prone to logical reasoning. The following thoughts may simply appear in his head:
- She had some fun, I picked her up, and now I live with her, why?
- She had so many men, why do I need a “bucket”?
- Why did they run away from her so often? Or does she think too highly of herself since she sent everyone?
- and other dirty, but partly significant questions...
Take the following scenarios of events for analysis:
- If the marriage you are in is your first, then your future husband will perceive you as a victim of circumstances.
- If you have one child together, you will become stupid if you did not see the meanness in the person with whom you lived and decided to give birth to him.
- If there are two or more children, the chances are close to zero, if you need a wealthy, confident husband who does not drink or go to saunas. Most likely, you will find a henpecked person who is not able to think ideologically.
- If the marriage is second, third, etc., no matter how you got out of it, they will look at you condemningly, because the lack of priorities, principles and rational thinking is clearly demonstrated.
It is also important to accept the following conditions for analysis: if you are married for the first time, then it is more advisable to consider the situation from beginning to end, as well as the psychological and moral aspects of your husband’s behavior. Perhaps this was the only incident that will not happen again, moreover, it will bring you closer - this, we know, happens. But remember, if a husband is caught cheating once, it is not a fact that it happened once and will not happen again!
Signs of male infidelity
In family relationships, trust and respect for personal space and desires are important. But there is no need to turn a blind eye to the obvious if frequent delays at work, incomprehensible disappearances of large sums, or long business trips begin. Signs of accomplished marital betrayal include increased attention to one's appearance, new habits or expressions, and fear of leaving the phone unattended.
Ask a question
There is no need to guess what it means if a husband begins to cheat on his wife, and immediately take the position of a victim. It makes more sense to analyze the latest events of life together without unnecessary emotions and searching for those to blame. When considering the situation, you will find clues to the right course of action. If a marriage has been bursting at the seams for a long time, then a case of infidelity is a reason to think about global changes in marriage. When the incident is one-time and there is a desire to save the family, a wise woman will prefer not to notice the affair.
Relationship status.
Are you married to him or just living together? This is where the core concept of relationships lies. If your husband cheats at a time when both are officially married or at the stage of preparation for the wedding, there are much more reasons for concern than if you live in civilian life. In fact, an officially registered union imposes certain obligations on both parties, which are immediately violated as a result of betrayal; with a committed marriage, everything is much more serious. The verdict is drawn - down with the traitor or the punishment that follows the forgiveness of the female side!
A man who has lived with a woman for 1 to 2 years and has not yet proposed marriage is, by definition, prone to frivolous relationships with other girls on the side. Of course, due to the variety of stories, there may still be excuses for the missing ring on the ring finger of the right hand, but in this case it is recommended to look into the man’s past - how many such unofficial cohabitations did he have?
Think about it, but remember that cheating cannot be justified, even if it was committed while drunk.
What to do if your husband is constantly cheating
There are 2 reasonable options.
- If a woman is ready to put up with infidelity, understands that this is the nature of her chosen one and otherwise she is completely satisfied with him, then it is worth saving the family. I recommend talking frankly, saying that his secrets are revealed and developing a plan for a life together where the good name of both is preserved.
- When marriage remains only a stamp in a passport, feelings have faded and there is no reason to live under the same roof, then it is wiser to separate, having gained personal freedom and hope for new happiness.
When you don’t have the strength to figure out the situation on your own, consulting a psychologist will help. Conversation in a calm environment in the presence of a third party often leads to surprising results. For example, it turns out that the reason for the quarrel is a small misunderstanding or misunderstood words are taken as a sign of intercession.
Family consultations help you look at the situation from a different perspective, and you should not neglect this way of preserving your family.
How not to give reasons for cheating
There is no panacea for adultery. A few tips will help keep your relationship interesting and new.
- Take care of your appearance, be attractive at home and away.
- Respect the boundaries of personal space, respect the opinion of your partner.
- Develop to share impressions and find new points of contact with your loved one.
- Do not be afraid of experiments in all areas, including cooking and intimate life.
- Restrain emotions in critical situations.
- Create comfort and take care of your husband, corresponding to the image of the keeper of the hearth.
