How to learn to let go of what you can't control

A friend of mine once told me, “Almost everything in my life that I have had to give up has scratches.” His point was that he had a very hard time letting go of something he couldn't control. I'm sure many of you understand this.

Most of us don't want to give up what we enjoy. So we hold on until they are forcibly taken away, and even then we still hold on mentally and emotionally. We may not realize that holding on can wreak havoc on our lives.

Holding on to things we can't control can cause us a lot of stress and unhappiness. It also keeps us stuck in the past and prevents us from growing and living freely. If we want to be happy and free, we need to learn to let go.

In this article, we're going to explore what letting go really means, why it's so hard, and how your life will improve by letting go of the things you can't control. Then I'll share with you some tips to help you learn to let go more easily so you can live a happier, more fulfilling life.

Why don't we let go

We usually think like this: if it’s mine, then I’ll love it. And if this ceases to be mine, then you need to feel some kind of negativity towards it, you need to somehow make it clear that if you are not mine, then I won’t love you either. And we begin to prove that what ceases to be ours is unworthy of our love.

If I succeed, if there is a chance of success, then I will want it. If a person loves me, I will stay with him and love him. If the situation is favorable for me, then I will be complacent, and if it causes negative emotions in me, then again I need to prove to someone that this is not possible, deal with it, and leave it like that.

And then we don’t let go - we fight and prove or just quietly suffer in the role of a victim. However, struggle attracts new reasons for fighting, suffering - new suffering. And love attracts only love. And the order is exactly this - first we love, and then it comes to us, and not the other way around. But we usually are not spiritually generous enough to simply love those who do not love us, to be kind to those who cannot show this kindness, so as not to spare energy on desires that it is not clear whether they will come true at all.

The illusion of control

Intertwined in our attachment to things is the illusion of control. We often believe that if all our material things and circumstances are in order, then we will be happy. So we try to manipulate people and circumstances to make them what we want them to be.

The problem with this kind of thinking is that everything is impermanent. Nothing stays the same. We become attached to certain things we like and expect them to stay that way. This will always lead to disappointment.

In reality, the only thing we control is ourselves. But we act as if we control other people, not ourselves.

What does it mean to let go

To let go, you need to have the courage to admit that yes, I love it, I want it, but I'm not afraid that I won't have it. Life is wise, and if I don’t have it, then I don’t need it, but now thinking about it makes me feel warm, and I like it, so I allow myself to experience it, allow myself to love. And this is also the answer to the question of how you can let a person go.

After all, in fact, no conditions are needed to love or to support any idea. Love is not weakness, but strength when we understand that we ourselves make this choice - to love or reject. And if, despite all the difficulties, we allow ourselves to love, believe me, it always finds a response in the Universe. That’s why they say: let it go – if it’s yours, it will come back. Because they always return to those who are easy-going, generous and do not set any conditions.

How to learn to let people go from your life

We've all heard the advice "you need to let it all go and move on." It is very easy to say this to someone in passing, but very difficult to do if this advice was given specifically to you. It is unbearably painful for you to hold on to a situation (or person), but it is even more painful to let it go.

Knowing that someone you loved is no longer a part of your life depresses you. This is discomfort, this is a terrible emptiness, this is suffering, this is anxiety, this is an endless attack of the darkest thoughts and sensations.

Of course, some have learned the art of letting go, but there are also those who remain fixated on what they have lost and what continues to live inside them. This is a kind of sacrifice when you painfully love someone more than you love yourself.

But holding on to someone is like holding on to a rope, dangling high above the ground. You are filled with fear that you will fall and die if you let go of the rope. You are clinging to it so desperately that your arms are starting to weaken and you are tired of putting all your strength into this rope. You slip off it a little, skinning your hands until they bleed, but you continue to hold on and even try to climb up a little, just so as not to lose the rope. Eventually your strength leaves you and you fall to the ground. You hurt yourself badly, but it turns out that you can get to your feet, shake off the dust and dirt, and even look at the tip of the rope high above your head, wildly surprised that you did not crash and survived. Yes, you were afraid to let go of the rope because you thought the fall would kill you. You held onto it with ragged and bloody hands, completely exhausting yourself. But you let her go, and remained alive and practically unharmed.

• To let go, you need to learn to accept what is given. Accept that you will never get the answer you want to hear. You will never get the apology you need. Accept that this person is no longer a part of your life, but instead your past is filled with some good memories.

• You will need to accept the changes. Tell yourself that now your life will not include communication with this person. Free yourself from painful attachment. Find new relationships, start new projects or hobbies that help you grow, learn and heal so you can experience peace of mind and happiness again.

• You will need to change your expectations. Ask yourself what are your values? What kind of person do you want to be? Who do you want next to you? If the next person who comes into your life doesn't have the qualities you value most, don't waste your time.

• Remember what you deserve and know that you are capable of love. Try to forget that you are hurt, but never forget what you have been taught. Unfortunately, some of life's greatest lessons come from those we loved dearly who hurt us.

• Lastly, you need to know that you are not alone in this battle. Many people have gone through, are going through and will go through this situation, just like you. Don't give up, don't close your heart to the world and don't stop believing that tomorrow will be a better day.

The process of letting go of the past and what has become obsolete never happens overnight. You need to be patient and trust the process.

Some days you'll feel like giving up faint-heartedly - it's okay, pick yourself up and try again. Sooner or later the day will come when you look at everything around you differently. You will wake up one day and notice that the pain inside has almost disappeared; the wound on the heart has almost healed; the fog in my head cleared. You will look back and realize that you have changed - and what you previously clung to so tightly and desperately no longer matters.


Not to be confused with the victim

Of course, this feeling must be distinguished from sacrificial love, when we just give and give, love for years, but receive nothing in return. This again means that a person chooses to be a victim, to suffer in such an aura of altruism, although in fact everything is still mixed up with fear, self-doubt, disbelief that he deserves better, the inability to desire more, develop and strive for it.

When we let go correctly, but what we let go does not come back, we eventually switch to something else, the object of our desires loses its relevance and we find something real for ourselves. After all, when we let go, we continue to live, enjoy life, we move on, and gradually all new impressions and experiences naturally replace what was once so important to us.

And on the contrary, if we continue to hold on to the object of our torment, denying, trying to forget, devalue, then it can torment us indefinitely. After all, it is we ourselves who hold on to it - without letting go.

No one forces us to suffer - it is always our choice. Yes, there are situations when suffering is inevitable, the first reaction to what happened, for example. But then it’s up to us whether we stop at this or make an effort and start looking for something good in life. Let's begin to be filled with love, forgive, accept and let go in the end and move on, which will definitely lead us to new happiness.

It takes effort, but it is these choices we make that will determine how we feel in the future.

Benefits of Learning to Let Go

So why do we have to learn to let go? There are many reasons. These include freedom, better relationships and continued personal growth.


Letting go leads to freedom. When we learn to let go, we can free ourselves from the sources of our pain and suffering that are holding us back.

We often cling to things that no longer serve us, such as unhealthy relationships. Relationships may have once benefited us, but often as people grow, they grow apart. That's when it's time to move one.

Better Relationships

A healthy relationship is one in which both partners can be themselves. Those who hold on too tightly to their partners do not allow them to be free. They suffocate them and try to turn them into their ideal partner.

When we let go of our partners, it doesn't mean they will leave us. We just let them be who they want to be. Then our task is to love them as they are.

When you learn to let go, you will attract healthier people into your life. This is because healthy people don't want to be around someone who will strangle them.

Continued personal growth

If we hold on to something, we will not be able to move on. We can't grow emotionally if we hold on to what we think brings us happiness. If you continue to cling to things around you, you will remain in the past because everything is constantly changing.

When you learn to let go, your self-esteem and confidence will increase. Once you realize that you won't die by giving up what you think you need, you can do things that are healthier.

The ability to let go of the situation

Letting go of a situation means stopping worrying about it. Here, again, our fears haunt us - we begin to endlessly scroll through different options for the development of events in our heads, the outcomes seem worse than each other, and, of course, we just can’t let it go.

However, the essence is again the same - when you need to let go of the situation, you need to stop worrying and trust life. We tend to scare ourselves with horror stories, but when we find the strength to believe in the best, then life always has a good option for us too. Often the choice before us comes down to whether we ultimately want to say to ourselves or others “I told you so,” or whether everything will actually turn out well.

Believing in the best, of course, does not mean inaction - of course, we need to do everything in our power to make sure everything is fine.

Final thoughts

I know from personal experience that letting go can be very difficult and even scary. But in the 50+ years I've been on this earth, I've had to let go of a lot of things that I thought I needed to survive, but I'm still alive. I'm actually quite pleased.

I've learned to let go, and so have you. It gets easier with time and experience. Once you realize how liberating letting things go and have a few successes, you will be able to let go before something causes you too much harm.

Over time, you will be able to move beyond simply letting go and not getting attached to things at all. When this happens, you will know the true meaning of freedom.

How to let go of desire

As mentioned above, in order to let go of a desire, you need to not be afraid that it will not come true. You need to continue to live and enjoy life, without postponing your happiness until the moment when this desire is realized, and not make happiness dependent on its fulfillment.

At the same time, there is no need to devalue and reject desire. Let it also warm the soul, be present in thoughts, let there be a desire for it, energy will be invested in it and the impressions from it will be the brightest and most inspiring. And such selfless, unconditional faith in what we want always leads us to the successful achievement of our goals.

What will help you let go?

Now I want to offer a small exercise with metaphorical cards that will contribute to our ability to let go. I began to make such calculations regularly on my Yandex.Zen and I see that they are popular, so perhaps it will be useful here too.

Let's ask ourselves a question: what will help me let go of a person/situation/desire?

We select a map by fragment, below we find the map in full, a picture and text, and listen to how it responds to us. What stops us from letting go? What thoughts, feelings, associations arise when looking at the map in connection with the voiced request? What internal resource will allow you to let go?

All cards from the deck of metaphorical cards “I know all the secrets.”





Let our ability to let go easily develop more and more over the years, because it really makes life easier and happier.

Practice from Jack Macania “Liberation from addiction”

The following exercise will be useful to anyone who has a painful experience of separation and does not know how to forgive and let go of a person.

Practice helps to cut the connection and stop experiencing negativity.

Let's get started:

  1. Find a quiet place, take a comfortable position.
  2. Close your eyes and imagine a theater scene. On it stands the person who hurt you.
  3. Introduce yourself. You are standing on a hill or floating in the air.
  4. Look carefully at the person. What does he look like? Describe it to the smallest detail.
  5. Now feel the depth of your emotions towards him. The sensations should be as acute as possible.
  6. Visualize the connection between you. How does she look? Perhaps it is thread, rope, cord or plastic tube? In what places are you connected to each other? This could be the area of ​​the neck, abdomen, heart, arms, legs, throat, etc.
  7. Stay in this state.
  8. Now think about what qualities you and this person lack to make the connection less painful (at the moment)? Perhaps responsibility, love, patience, inner strength, confidence or something else? List all the resources you think are needed.
  9. At the next stage, imagine that above the stage there is a certain source that contains absolutely all qualities (God or another Higher Power).
  10. Ask him to give you everything you need. Feel how you are one by one filled with all the necessary resources. Feel it with every cell of your body.
  11. Visualize how resources fill the other person through the communication channel between you. Give him the opportunity to nourish himself.
  12. After that, take a closer look at the person. How has he changed? Has your facial expression, gestures, posture, facial expressions changed?
  13. Talk to a person if you need it. Ask for forgiveness, even if it was he who offended you. Realize that in some way he taught you a lesson, became a teacher for you.
  14. Break the connection. You can cut it with a sword, cut it with scissors, or do it with your hand. Record in your memory a picture of how you and that person look free.
  15. Return to normal.

Note. Practice allows you to cut even old connections. This usually requires a one-time execution, but can be repeated several times if necessary.

No matter how much we love a person, at some point we need to be able to let him go. Each of us has our own tasks, our own destiny. Sometimes you shouldn't resist something new. You just need to let go of the reins and trust the flow.

Olga, St. Petersburg

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