What are men's hobbies for you, such as fishing, football or hanging out with friends? A source of quarrels (“he doesn’t pay attention to me”) or an opportunity to devote time to your hobbies? Is it worth trying to “remake” a slob or a hoarder if you are completely different by nature? We'll tell you how to strengthen a relationship with the help of your “otherness” and why it is in your interests to accept a man for who he is.
“How could he! How can you exchange a Dali exhibition with a buffet table and champagne for mosquitoes and a fishing rod! How can you be like that...” - then comes the obscene language. Admit it: have you at least once in your life experienced similar emotions towards your husband or partner and complained about the “wrong” man to your friend? Did they quarrel with him because of this “wrongness”?
There are girls like stars, if you believe the famous song by Andrei Gubin. But if you want your man to describe you as “there are stars like her,” then you can’t do without accepting your husband.
Historically, we are looking for a partner who is similar to us - with the same values, goals, interests, hobbies. Is this correct from the start? Partly. Remember: the dissimilarity of partners is not an obstacle to “happily ever after,” but an additional opportunity to strengthen your relationship.
So is it worth being a reflection of each other? And if not, then how to accept the differences? Let's figure it out.
How to accept a man: what is acceptance
Understand that the shortcomings of any person are ordinary human weaknesses . We are all not angels, we are far from ideal. Just let your loved one be who he really is, let him be himself. Indeed, in addition to its shortcomings, it has many advantages. If we pay too much attention to the shortcomings, we often simply overlook the advantages, many of which are very significant.
At the same time, you may not agree with the man’s opinion and may not share his interests. You can have your own assessment, your own opinion, but simply give the opportunity and recognize the husband’s full right to have his own opinion, his own mistakes, his own characteristics.
Each of us has our own point of view, our own philosophy of life. And often it is difficult for us to take the position of another person. Or it may turn out that in the place of another person we thought exactly the same as he thinks now.
There is one amazing principle in coaching that resonates madly with me: “every person makes the best choice at the current moment.” This means that at the current moment, at the current level of our development, we are doing the best we can, the best we are capable of now.
It makes no sense to scold and get angry at an 8-month-old baby because he doesn’t know how to hold a spoon. It makes no sense to scold a schoolchild for not knowing the list of nuclei with non-zero spin determined in NMR studies. This is not their level.
In life everything is even more complicated. What you take for granted may be incomprehensible or uninteresting to your man. And his behavior will flow from these ideas, from his level.
What not to do?
Of course, you shouldn’t pretend that you are satisfied with everything about him, this will only be self-deception. If something doesn’t suit you, say softly about it, about the situation, about the subject, about what doesn’t suit YOU, what worries YOU. Don't say that HE is NOT like that, say what YOU are not comfortable with. Don't get personal or prove the man wrong in the case. Talk about your attitude and opinion.
You can always talk about your personal attitude, your emotions. Without focusing on your shortcomings or your disagreements, but only showing your side. One of Stephen Covey's key principles is “first to understand, and then to be understood.” Try to take the side of a loved one, understand his point of view (it doesn’t matter what issue we are talking about), and only then talk about yourself. This is the only way to truly understand and accept someone close to you.
When opposites attract, misunderstandings arise
Opposites attract, and subconsciously we are drawn to people who are endowed with everything that we ourselves lack.
- A girl with low self-esteem chooses a confident man.
- A spontaneous and unpredictable man chooses a cautious and prudent woman.
- A man is guided by common sense, and a woman depends on the mood of the little toe of her left foot...
But here lies the most common problem in relations between the sexes - misunderstanding. We are so different! We often speak different languages, we don’t get what we want from our partner, and the woman can’t choose between three shades of lipstick, putting the man at a dead end, because for him they are all red.
And there are only two ways - either find your exact copy and, quite possibly, get bored in five years. Or form into a single picture, like a puzzle - fit each other exactly, accept dissimilarity as an addition and every day discover something new and pleasant both in yourself and in your partner.
How to accept a man: 2 categories of features
The list of things that don’t suit us about a loved one can be long (from the habit of arguing to adherence to different religions). And not all of them are equally important and have the same impact on us.
I suggest dividing all the features of your man into 2 categories:
- Those that don't affect you much or don't bother you that much. You can work with them on the topic of acceptance and understanding. Perhaps you will understand that there is nothing terrible about these features and you can learn to live with them. Accept your whole husband, with his strengths and weaknesses. At the same time, think about his good qualities, meditate on them. What we think about, what we pay attention to, is what develops.
- Those that infringe on you personally. Perhaps your man is used to rude treatment, does not accept your opinion on all issues at all, or unceremoniously spoils your things. As a rule, in ordinary everyday situations there is little. In these cases, you need to gently but seriously make it clear how difficult these habits are for you. Any loving man will listen to you if it was said without complaints or anger. It may take time for him to understand this. It's important to take a step and start a conversation.
After all, home and family for a husband are his refuge, a place where he can throw off his armor, relax and be who he is. What happens when we terrorize our husband by criticizing him for “the way he is”? He does not relax, does not rest, he feels that his wife, like a stranger, evaluates him. This is where irritation, disputes, scandals, and the cold attitude of the husband arise. He feels that you are comparing him to a certain standard, a standard that he does not meet and is unlikely to ever be able to meet, and he withdraws more and more.
How would you react to your husband’s phrase: “Why aren’t your parameters 90-60-90. It's time to work on yourself as much as you can. I’ve been patient for several years now.” Nature created us differently, we are not all 90-60-90, don’t we want our husband to love us for who we are? Then we must admit that our loved one will not become an ideal, but this is not necessary.
"Easy to say"
And “talking is not carrying bags” and other treasures of folk wisdom come to the rescue when a person stubbornly strives to become depressed. To be fair, many conscientious citizens have already tried the previous two tips on themselves. And they didn’t help everyone. Especially if the situation is objectively unpleasant. And if it is also massive, even more so.
Then the compiled to-do lists for the week gather dust without use, the threads for cross-stitching also do not get around to cleaning, and the books, incl. in English, you never opened it. This is also normal. Some recover from stress faster, others more slowly.
If you're the slower type, just leave yourself alone. Well, did you somehow live without macrame and English for the previous 10 years? And even with unpumped abdominals. Here you go another week or two! During this time, you yourself will get tired of being bored and want to do something more interesting than just loiter around and sort through useless thoughts in your brain.
Or maybe you want to reconsider your plans drawn up many years ago and add something more current to them than cross stitch. Then things will go faster, with enthusiasm and pleasure.
How to accept a man: features of male psychology
Men are very freedom-loving people and it is difficult for them to accept any pressure, especially from a woman, especially a wife. Any pressure or manipulation causes rebellion, protest in a normal man; it may be implicit, hidden, but it is there. And out of spite and in spite of you, he will deliberately resist, deliberately not do what you force. Yes, he can agree and do something under pressure. It will happen once, twice, three times, and then the relationship will begin to fall apart at the seams, each next action will be performed worse than the previous one. Not to mention that you will completely kill your husband’s desire to do something important for you.
The only thing that remains is to stop trying to force a man to change or submit under your pressure. Accept him, understand that he is like this and no one else, give him this right to be himself, albeit with a bunch of shortcomings: poisoning himself, having a “stupid” hobby, “worthless” friends, growing a belly, loving thrillers, not playing sports and self-development, argue, love to sit at the computer, read incomprehensible books and articles.
It’s better to focus and put in first place those qualities that you admire, which you like, because you got married once, you once fell in love not with a monster, but with a living person, there was something beautiful in him. Perhaps it is stamina, a sense of integrity, a stone wall and a man’s shoulder, golden hands, strength, professionalism in one’s work, a sense of humor. Think about it and note, praise your husband for it. Surprisingly, pointing out shortcomings leads to the exacerbation of these shortcomings , and praising and noting strengths leads to the fact that positive qualities grow and develop.
Moreover, all of the above applies to average men with a normal, non-morbid psyche. If a man poses a threat to your (or your children’s) life and health, then in this case it will be your duty to save yourself and your children by physically distancing yourself from him (leave, leave) for a while and calmly think about from a distance whether you can do something do. But this is a topic for another article.
Possible consequences
Surprisingly, as soon as this idea of acceptance is finally established in the mind, when you accept a loved one for real, it’s as if a huge stone has been lifted from your heart, it becomes easy for yourself. There is no nervous waiting, no resentment appears once again, fewer quarrels. Life itself becomes more enjoyable, even if everything remains the same, only the attitude towards the problem has changed. The only key word is to accept “for real”, not to grind your teeth “okay, I’m okay with this”, but to growl in your soul. No. You need to accept a man so much for who he is that you don’t even think that something is wrong .
So, acceptance of a person is the basis of any happy relationship , especially marital relationships. This is a difficult process that requires serious effort, but which is extremely rewarding and is the basis of a happy relationship.
"Smile and wave"
Now you won’t remember where and when you first heard this phrase: in the cartoon “Madagascar”, the film “The Madness of King George” or the song by Alexander Pushny. And we don’t know whether this phrase will help in all the situations faced by the heroes of these wonderful works.
But we know for certain that a person smiles not only when he feels good. The reverse also works: even an insincere and forced smile after a short time makes the brain think that everything is fine with us, hormones of joy begin to be released in the body.
In general, here’s a life hack: if you’re in the worst possible mood, and there are no constructive thoughts about the impending changes yet, occupy your time with something fun. Watch a comedy, read jokes, sing some funny songs at online karaoke. And you will notice that after half an hour of this action you feel better and everything around is not so bad.
And one more point that many people overlook: any comedy, joke, song is almost always some kind of short but instructive story. Think about the meaning and perhaps it will tell you a way out of your situation. In the end, almost everything that happens to us has already happened somewhere and to someone.
Experiment
Let's ask four questions of one of the most common beliefs, “People shouldn't lie,” and then try to formulate this belief in reverse and see if it can be different. This will allow you to better see and understand what you believe and how it may be hindering you in life. As a result, you will be liberated from the captivity of your own beliefs.
So, “People shouldn't lie” is true? Just answer yes or no. Second question: “People shouldn't lie. Can you absolutely know that this is true?” The third question is: “How do you react when you believe this thought and remember someone lying to you?”
Just pay attention to your internal reactions and what happens to you when you believe that people should not lie. Sometimes the degree of our reaction is so strong that we cannot sleep at night. Sometimes even families are destroyed because we believe in some idea.
Please note, and this is the fourth question: “Who would you be without this thought - people shouldn’t lie?”
Just imagine yourself, but without this thought. And watch. What do you see, what do you experience when you no longer identify with that thought?
Wonderful. Now let’s try to play with the belief “People shouldn’t lie” and formulate it in reverse.
People must lie
Let's explore a new belief deeper: "People should lie." But in fact, people lie all the time. We don't know a single person who has never lied. Strange, isn't it? We lie ourselves, but we expect others not to do so. Yeah! Let's now explore another new belief and instead of saying, "People shouldn't lie," let's say, "I shouldn't lie."
– I need to think about this. I must not tell lies! What would my life look like if I told everyone the truth all the time? This can be terrible! And without my untruth, without my lies, I will be all inside out, I will be completely visible. I will lose my self-identity. And how can I tell him or her the truth? It's horrible!
Remember, maybe something happened in your life today during breakfast or last night. And you should not lie anymore... And now, when you let this idea into yourself, you begin to understand people who lie much better, right?
And in this self-awareness, the next time people lie, we will feel that we are no longer angry with them - we are connected with them. At the same time, we notice that in our lives we ourselves begin to lie much less. We become more aware of the lies we tell.
You need to do the work with one idea, one concept. Through this process, you begin to like yourself more. You see yourself as a changed person. You begin to notice that your children begin to trust you a lot more.
And your family, and friends, and even you yourself begin to trust yourself.
