Self-love is a sense of self-esteem combined with a jealous attitude towards the opinions of others about oneself. Every person has it, but it can be healthy or sick. Moreover, the patient, in turn, can manifest itself as either insufficient self-esteem (injured pride) or excessive self-esteem (selfish narcissism). In both cases, this interferes with building relationships with others. Let's take a closer look at what self-love is. Let us define in simple words what this means in psychology.
Is there any benefit to self-love?
Black color in psychology - what it means for women and men who like
Everything is good in moderation. The same goes for your attitude towards yourself. A person must love himself, otherwise he will not have an incentive to develop, increase his level of education, provide himself with quality food, timely medical examinations, and develop his body. Only with self-esteem can you defend your interests in disputes, occupy a leading position in a team, and have an opinion that is significant for others. This is precisely the meaning that should be inherent in self-love: the desire to become an authority for others, to take a responsible approach to any work, to put effort into self-discipline.
Attention! Healthy pride borders on boorish narcissism, which destroys everything good that is in character, erases the lines of good and evil in relationships between people, and turns a person into a forced loner.
Inadequate overestimation of one’s abilities becomes the cause of a distorted perception of one’s position in society. Individuals who “crown” themselves become a laughing stock for others, without realizing it. They can be recognized by their arrogant look and specific gait. They not only want to have the best, but also undeservedly consider themselves to be successful in everything, even when they have absolutely no knowledge of the subject area.
Braggart
Who is an egoist?
An egoist is a person who is guided in his actions solely by his own interests, without worrying about the inconvenience he causes to others. The word “egoism” (like “egocentrism”) is derived from the Latin “ego” - “I”. This term does not have an exact translation into Russian, but the word “self-love” can be considered a conditional synonym. Selfishness is behavior in which a person’s actions are dictated solely by his own interests. Accordingly, an egoist is one who cares only about himself.
Selfishness is a natural feature of the behavior of most people, formed by evolution. But its scale is different for everyone, and it happens that a person has a consumerist attitude towards everyone around him, including those closest to him. He is not able to assess the consequences of his own actions, and his relationship with his family becomes abnormally consumerist and resembles parasitism.
In fairness, it should be noted that moderate egoism is a natural phenomenon characteristic of everyone. And people who use this term do not always correctly understand who an egoist is and what behavioral features are characteristic of him.
The difference between self-love and self-esteem
Dissonance - what does it mean?
When assessing self-esteem, deciding whether it is good or bad, you first need to be able to distinguish it from self-esteem. In contrast to excessive pride, a self-respecting person will never allow himself to offend his interlocutor or deprive another of anything in the pursuit of satisfying his desires. At the same time, self-respect is a reason to defend one’s interests in a dispute, not to allow others to neglect private opinion and take oneself lightly. A self-respecting person will not pass off the thoughts of sages as his own; he will be able to formulate his own conclusions with dignity.
What does a proud person mean - he is not just an egoist who concentrates on his desires. This is a person who considers himself the center of the World. With such conceit, it is difficult to build relationships with the opposite sex, much less create a family. As a rule, these are lonely people. However, they also have unions, but in this case the other half also has mental disorders and takes pleasure in the fact that they are constantly psychologically suppressed by their partner and live in endless humiliation.
Advantages and disadvantages
Is self-love good or bad? Both this and that. It’s good when in moderation, that is, when there is healthy self-love. It helps a person build and maintain authority in the eyes of others, defend personal boundaries, move towards personal goals, achieve success in life, and generally be happy. You need to respect and love yourself. And it's okay to expect the same from others.
Sick or wounded pride
Harmony - what does it mean?
Sick pride - what is it, is it possible to learn to cope with it? Psychologists agree that this is possible only after recognizing the presence of a problem. Wounded self-esteem does not allow its owner to adequately perceive criticism even from close relatives. Any attempt to make even the most diplomatic remark to a proud person turns into an explosion of anger on his part, insults and ends in an interruption of the dialogue.
Important! There is such a thing as “excellent student syndrome,” which begins during school years in children whose parents place high demands on their academic performance. Accustoming from an early age to the fact that living correctly means doing everything only “excellently,” students become unprepared for the defeats and failures that inevitably await them in adulthood.
Excellent student syndrome
When talking about what self-esteem is, first of all, we mean defining the self-esteem of a person with an unhealthy perception of disapproval from the environment. Especially such people keenly perceive comments or advice from a person significant in society, just as they react most vividly to praise from such a person. Praise from a well-deserved authority in a team is a source of nourishment for a proud person.
Human Praise
From the point of view of practical psychology, self-love is a time when a person is actively fueled by various manifestations of social approval. In other words, when we are praised, we grow in our own eyes, and vice versa. A proud person, as a rule, builds in his head a certain scale of values and goals that must be achieved at all costs, and for this it is necessary to constantly strive somewhere and do something. Of course, this is good, especially in cases where an individual strives for goals that are useful for himself and society. But when a person deliberately follows the path of self-destruction and degradation, pride plays a somewhat perverted role here. It is always important to remember that this quality itself is a catalyst for desires and actions, but not the main reason.
Hurt pride
A proud person is a person who is very easily deeply wounded even by an inoffensive word. Hurt pride can become a weapon in the hands of a competent manipulator. Some managers deliberately hurt the pride of their subordinates, which means for them an unacceptable failure, from which they can only recover by surpassing themselves. Thus, in some teams the level of labor productivity is increased.
Important! In such conversations, department heads do not insult or reprimand vain employees for their poor performance; this is achieved with the help of subtle psychological comparisons and hints that indirectly elevate competitors over the subjects.
The easiest way is to hurt the self-esteem of a narcissistic newcomer; this condition is aggravated due to the already increased level of tension associated with the new environment and a strange team. Psychologists do not recommend arranging strength tests for newly arrived employees until their professional probationary period has expired, since such an attitude can leave the organization without valuable personnel.
How to recognize an egoist?
In any situation, an egoist strives to satisfy his own needs, regardless of the interests of the people around him. He doesn't care that he might cause inconvenience or harm to anyone. However, it is usually well camouflaged. Therefore, in order to recognize an egoist, you must first pay attention to such behavioral features as:
- tendency to blame others for one’s own failures;
- inability to listen;
- unshakable confidence in one’s own rightness;
- ignoring comments;
- tendency to brag;
- attempts to manipulate others;
- display of material wealth;
- desire to be the center of attention;
- the tendency to evaluate people by wealth, success, intelligence and other “status” characteristics.
If a person systematically demonstrates several of the listed signs, you have a natural egoist. But there is no need to rush to conclusions after noticing one or two signs. Don't forget that moderate selfishness is the norm, and almost anyone can periodically demonstrate selfish behavior while remaining a responsive and caring person.
Male and female pride
Men and women have completely different life values. This means that the gender division of self-esteem should not be overlooked.
Men are less focused on their appearance than women. They seek satisfaction and self-realization in business, status, car brand and general image. Therefore, their self-esteem can be hurt by:
- comparison of his position with the status of a competitor;
- an unloved neighbor purchasing a more presentable car;
- his woman's intense attention directed at a younger or more daring man.
Attention! The appearance of his woman also matters, since in male circles it gives rise to discussions on this topic and inevitable assessments from competitors.
Women, on the contrary, are obsessed with their appearance, in particular, with details. A proud girl is one who will not allow herself to leave the house with the slightest defect in her manicure, an insufficiently even complexion, or a hint of a mismatch in the color of her accessories and clothes. All this is important not only in order to feel confident and ensure satisfaction with narcissism, but also so that others do not have a reason to prick her, pointing out the imperfection of her appearance.
Impeccable appearance
Quite a lot of girls, precisely because of sick pride, go to plastic surgeons under the knife, correcting their body in order to feel more confident. After there are no places left in the girl that are imperfect in her opinion, she changes her gait to a confident one, her gaze becomes arrogant. She does not consider other representatives of the fairer sex worthy of male attention.
Advantages and disadvantages
But self-esteem is good, many psychologists will say. And others will answer on the contrary, they say, to exalt oneself extremely is akin to moral degradation. And, by the way, they will also be right. After all, a proud person, as a rule, tries not only to inform others about his constant growth above himself, but also in every possible way to maintain the illusion of his own superiority. Of course, this is true in the case when a person is too focused on himself, but, as practice shows, even the most modest people are prone to exaggeration of their own “I”.
How to get rid of self-esteem
Before you think about how to get rid of pride, it’s worth thinking about who a proud person really is. Anyone who strives to make themselves better, more successful, smarter, more attractive without harming others does not need self-esteem correction. Healthy self-love is not a sin.
You can stop being offended by criticism or remarks by becoming complete for yourself. By truly loving yourself for who a person really is, you can become emotionally self-sufficient, which will allow you to not take other people’s opinions too seriously. You need to be able to be happy here and now, because every person has a lot, but often does not value his achievements and benefits, as if everything he has does not matter. You can't offend a happy person. Anyone can become happy, taking their time and appreciating the true value of the peaks they have conquered.
Fighting methods
You only need to fight inadequate self-love. More often we are talking about excessive pride. This is what we will consider.
How to deal with painful pride:
- Determine the reasons for inadequate self-esteem. To do this, think about what you experience when someone hurts your Ego. Don't rush to conclusions. Perhaps the emotion you named is not primary, but secondary. For example, sadness or fear is often hidden behind anger, and suppressed aggression is transformed into suppressed resentment. After you deal with your emotions, remember when you first felt this way and what caused your reaction. Keep unraveling it like a ball of thread and you will get to the truth.
- Work through an old trauma, get rid of grievances, make a plan to get rid of complexes or other problems - whatever you identify.
- Draw up your personality profile right now. Try to objectively describe your strengths and weaknesses, victories and defeats, abilities and capabilities.
- Learn to accept objective criticism (it helps you grow and improve yourself, improve relationships with others) and not react to irrational negativity.
Note! If you are worried about someone's painful Ego, but that person does not see the problem, then you cannot help him in any way. You cannot change another person and help someone who does not want it.
How to deal with an egoist?
In personal life, selfishness is guaranteed to become the cause of groundless accusations and quarrels. Building a relationship with a selfish person is extremely difficult, but this is not a reason to refuse the opportunity to be with your loved one. To learn to avoid unpleasant situations, you need to clearly understand who an egoist is and how he perceives the world around him.
We bring to your attention some tips from psychologists, using which you can get along even with an extremely selfish person:
- You can't just walk away from an egoist
. If the relationship is not satisfactory, it is usually broken off. But it’s not so simple - if you try to leave him, you will find yourself to blame for all his problems. And don’t hope that he will rethink anything or understand and call you back. Instead, he will colorfully tell mutual acquaintances and describe in detail on social networks how you betrayed him and abandoned him. Therefore, there are only two options: find a way to adequately break off the relationship (at the initiative of the egoist) or seek a compromise. - Don't try to re-educate an egoist
. You will spend a lot of emotional energy trying to re-educate, but you will not get any results. Selfishness is established in childhood, and trying to correct this deficiency in an adult is practically useless. It is better to change your own attitude towards your partner and always be prepared for the characteristic features of his behavior. - Try to influence not the character of the egoist, but his attitude towards you
. Demand more attention and respect from him, explain what characteristics of behavior you do not want to tolerate. Gradually, he will get used to taking your interests into account and learn to restrain his own selfish nature. - Demonstrate mirror selfish behavior
. Let him feel how unpleasant the selfishness of a loved one is. Behave indifferently, do not put unnecessary obligations on your shoulders. If your partner demands more attention from you, but refuses to change, perhaps the only reasonable option really is separation.
If you have to live with an egoist, it is important to build the relationship correctly and maintain a reasonable balance. Discuss mutual obligations, agree not to blame each other, but to jointly find a solution to any misunderstandings that arise. When dealing with an egoist, it is important to avoid quarrels, accusations and claims. By learning this, you can build really strong relationships without unnecessary negativity.
Reasons for selfishness
Selfishness is a character trait that develops in childhood. Most often it is a consequence of a number of typical mistakes made by parents:
- Possessive attitude
. Parents treat the child as property and do not consider him as a person. They do not teach him independence and responsibility, as a result of which he grows up to be a capricious egoist, inclined to blame others for his mistakes. - Excessive care and boundless love
. Often parents simply do not allow their child to become independent, caring for him until adolescence. As a result, he grows up to be a selfish and dependent person, unable to adequately assess reality and take into account the interests of others. - Selfish attitude
. By setting a bad example, you can raise an excellent egoist. If parents are not interested in their child’s life and constantly tell them how hard it is for them, then the child will grow up fixated exclusively on his own problems. - Lack of attention
. Today, parents spend less time with their children, allowing them to have fun on the Internet and play computer games from an early age. Of course, such a child will not receive basic communication skills and normal social interaction.
