From early childhood we were taught that there are toxic substances in this world that are strictly prohibited from touching. But no one said anything about toxic people who slowly but methodically poison the lives of those around them. But in vain! After all, it is impossible to avoid meeting such people!
An eternally dissatisfied colleague who systematically burdens you with his negativity, a beloved friend who demands constant attention from you, an older sister for whom you will never be good enough for her to communicate with you as an equal, a jealous husband who thinks that you cheat on him with everyone - toxic people are everywhere! We cannot isolate ourselves from toxic people, but it is up to us how we will react to their provocations.
So who is a toxic person and what does he want to achieve with his behavior? Let's figure it out now!
Toxic person: who is he?
A toxic person is a personality type who tends to avoid responsibility for his actions and seeks to shift the blame for any reason onto others. Such people are sarcastic, gossip, escalate the situation and complain about life, but never admit that they themselves made a mistake. Blaming circumstances, annoying misunderstandings and the people around them for everything, they try to whitewash themselves and elevate themselves above others.
Toxic behavior is quite common. It has many manifestations and is characteristic of everyone to a small extent. You may find that your loved one often complains about life, criticizes colleagues, or gossips. Don't rush to the conclusion that he is a toxic person. Maybe he is just “blowing off steam” - sharing his experiences with someone he trusts. Almost any person, tired of problems, behaves this way. However, there are 10 signs that will help you identify a toxic person in your environment. Let's take a closer look at them.
Signs
So, how can we determine whether the person in front of us is toxic, or simply in a bad mood, which is why he takes it out on others? Main features:
Pessimism
This means that they constantly complain about life, are dissatisfied and irritated with something. To distinguish from people who have a “black streak” in life. Or who are currently depressed, it’s enough just to remember if they were once different.
Which means easier and more interesting in communication, cheerful and happy. A toxic personality is consistently in two positions - victim and aggressor.
That is, he either attacks his interlocutors and allows aggressive statements towards them, etc. Or he suffers from violence from the outside, sometimes as if attracting trouble to himself.
Right
There is only one correct opinion - their opinion. No matter what arguments you make, you will still find yourself devalued and unheard.
This desire to always be right is manifested not only in directiveness. But even in attempts to interrupt you, “shut your mouth,” or even abruptly end the conversation when it goes in the wrong direction, it is not at all beneficial for them.
Artistry and drama
It is impossible to be calm, stable and even in any relationship with them. Because they simply need drama in their life. Otherwise, bored, they will lose all interest, both in their partner, friend, and in life.
Therefore, if there is a quarrel, then it is loud, with breaking dishes, threats and screams, violent hysteria, and so on. After which they accuse you of heartlessness and cruelty, clutch at your heart due to severe suffering, and even faint from an overabundance of feelings.
Trespassing
They absolutely do not know how to care about their own or other people’s boundaries, constantly striving to violate them. For example, if you are in a hurry and ask to contact them later, they will ignore it. And almost after you they will ask questions and tell you something.
They can appear in life completely unexpectedly and without warning. Like overstaying guests, whom at first it’s awkward to ask to leave, and then, when patience runs out, it’s even impossible. Because there will be any excuse to stay longer.
Low level of emotional intelligence
They are completely incapable of experiencing empathy by putting themselves in the shoes of another person. That’s why they violate other people’s boundaries, not caring at all about how the interlocutor feels. They are not interested in him, striving only to receive attention, and not to give it at least occasionally in return.
Criticism
The psychology of toxic people is that they mainly use passive aggression. That is, they don’t talk directly about what they don’t like and so on. But they try, as if in a veiled manner, to hint about something unpleasant, to humiliate and criticize. They can give advice, mainly when they are not asked for and after which it becomes disgusting at heart.
The problem with passive aggression is that it is quite difficult to respond rudely by putting someone in their place. After all, in fact, the person seemed to speak out with a nice face, and in response, swearing will seem inappropriate. And it will put him in an unsuitable light for casual witnesses, creating the image of an unbalanced and hysterical person.
Talkativeness
As already mentioned, due to the lack of emotional intelligence, such people are not interested in anyone but themselves. And he is unable to maintain a full-fledged, engaging dialogue. Any conversation is turned into a monologue, ignoring the fact that the interlocutors have already tried to say goodbye for the umpteenth time.
Lies and manipulation
They like to embellish events, forgetting to mention facts that are not at all beneficial to them. As they say, in war all means are good. So they won’t be tormented by remorse if they have to slander someone.
This also includes a passion for gossip. They like to discuss people behind their back, wanting to ruin their reputation.
To achieve their goal, they do not neglect various methods of manipulation. They strive to control others, to maintain power over them.
Impoliteness and lack of behavioral control
They allow themselves to be rude to those who are not profitable or unfamiliar, and therefore are not of interest. This is especially true for service personnel. That is, the first to be distributed are waiters, salespeople, cloakroom attendants, and so on.
They are quick-tempered, and sometimes it is not clear what word might “explode”. Why is it that during a conversation you get the feeling that you are literally walking through a minefield and don’t understand what you can say and what you shouldn’t say?
Although there are situations when they are generally positive and pleasant individuals to talk to. And they transform and literally spray poison only in the presence of someone specific.
Types of Toxic People
There are many models of toxic behavior. Against the general background, 5 main types stand out quite clearly:
- Victim
. This is a very comfortable and safe position. By portraying yourself as a victim of circumstances, you can “convincingly” justify your own mistake, seek help, and refuse to help others. When meeting, such a person “comes from afar”: having colorfully described the problems that befell him, he asks for a favor or help. - Critic
. Such people try to rise up by demonstrating their own superiority over others. Constantly practicing this skill, they criticize quite subtly and gracefully. They even manage to insert caustic remarks into compliments. For example, a female critic may praise her friend's new hairstyle, noting that it “hides her wrinkles well.” - Hypocrite
. A toxic person with this pattern of behavior is perfectly disguised. He praises you, supports you and agrees with your opinion. At the same time, he loves to gossip about mutual friends. And his flattering manner of communication does not allow you to think that behind your back he is gossiping about you no less. - Touch-me-not
. Such people are overly touchy. They do not tolerate jokes directed at themselves, do not forgive mistakes and expect an apology for every careless act. For years they will remind you of mistakes for which you have repeatedly apologized. - Envious
. The behavior of the envious person is similar to the behavior of the victim. He is jealous of other people's successes, because he is sure that everything that others have achieved is the result of exceptional luck. By boasting about a promotion at work, a long-awaited major purchase, or another pleasant event, you risk receiving a powerful wave of negativity from an envious person. If you cannot completely refuse to communicate with this person, try to talk with him only about general topics.
Remove toxins
If you have contracted this infection, do not despair - the process is reversible. First of all, honestly admit to yourself: you are making a noise.
It is often difficult to see the wormhole in yourself - ask a loved one to be your mentor on the detoxification path. This could be a spouse, friends, or family. Ask them to be honest about what has changed for the worse in you while interacting with the source of toxins. Be prepared for criticism and don't be offended by the truth.
You don't need rose-colored glasses to get rid of negativity, be realistic. When criticizing, offer alternatives. When solving a new problem, learn and gain valuable experience.
If your boss lives in their own world, your colleagues get in the way, and in general you are deteriorating professionally, it’s time to think about it. Speaker Jim Rohn argues simply and categorically: “If you don’t like where you are, change it, you’re not a tree.”
You can get rid of real toxins that have entered your body. Gastric lavage, medications, vitamins and diet come to the rescue. The principle is the same with psychological poisons. Filter incoming information, communicate with kind and pure people.
How to deal with toxic people?
It is impossible to give universal advice, since toxic behavior takes different forms, and your relationship with such a person may be different. Sometimes it is an acquaintance, and sometimes it is a close relative. Remember or write down a few general tips to help minimize the negative impact of toxic people:
- Reduce contact to a minimum
. Choose simple and compelling reasons to minimize communication time. This could be unfinished business, plans for the evening, a desire to finish work early, a walk with the dog, and many other things. - Keep calm
. The main goal of toxic people is to affect the emotions of others. Therefore, it is unacceptable to react emotionally to their actions and words. This applies to both external and internal reactions. - Avoid conflicts
. Toxic people often provoke conflicts by dragging several people into them and trying to cause them to quarrel among themselves. Try to prevent such situations in a timely manner. - Be polite and neutral
. Act calmly, give one-word answers, agree and smile. And if the toxic person understands that you are answering only out of politeness, that’s even better. - Don't answer in a mirror way
. There is often a temptation to respond to the actions of the “toxic” with similar behavior, copying his communication style. But try not to stoop to his level, because you still won’t achieve the expected effect. Just stay calm and follow the tips above.
There are three more useful tips that will be useful to you if you are forced to constantly communicate with a toxic person:
- Don't tell him how unpleasant his communication style is to you
. A person who is not aware of his own toxicity will be greatly offended. If this is a consciously chosen model of behavior, you will only please him by informing him that he has achieved the desired effect. - Set and protect personal boundaries
. If the “toxic” violates them, calmly inform him about it. At the slightest manifestation of toxic behavior, without unnecessary emotions, tell him that you have no desire to continue communicating in such a manner. Don't be manipulated. - Use such communication to identify your own weak points
. Toxic people quickly find the sore spots and hit them. You can use this to understand in which areas you should work on yourself. So you may find that you don’t know how to say “No!”, you give in to manipulation, you tend to feel guilty, or you don’t know how to respond to compliments with veiled mockery.
Reasons for this behavior
Often deeply unhappy individuals become toxic people, seeking to compensate for their own unsettledness and internal disharmony by humiliation and attacks on others.
So, what is the reason for such actions, why are people toxic? Below are the most common factors that lead to destructive behavior patterns.
And first of all, such a factor is heredity. Numerous studies have demonstrated that, most often, toxic traits are formed in individuals with genetic disorders. They manifest themselves especially clearly if the individual was poorly raised in childhood.
Health disorders in infancy, disorders of intrauterine maturation, birth or mental trauma also often provoke the formation of the character traits in question.
The oppressive behavior of a parent or parent often causes irreparable damage to the child’s psyche. An unhealthy climate of family interaction creates passive aggressiveness, immaturity, and negative thinking in the offspring. Any other anomalies in the educational actions of relatives also negatively affect the individual.
Often people are faced with everyday troubles, serious problems, difficult situations that they cannot cope with. Such circumstances include betrayal of loved ones, family violence, and persistent stress.
In addition to the above factors, there is another reason why a person becomes toxic. Actually, sometimes this is a conscious preference of the individual. He uses this behavior for self-affirmation and self-satisfaction. However, this reason can be considered the most rare. At the same time, parental upbringing, heredity, and various traumas can also play a role here.
Training
In the modern world, you have to deal with toxic people quite often, and each of these meetings can leave negative emotions. However, if you learn to give such people an effective rebuff, then they will never be able to upset your emotional balance.
A great way to develop your skills in dealing with toxic people is the Emotional Intelligence course from Vikium. It consists of 20 lessons and is designed to develop skills for effectively interacting with people. This course will help you:
- resolve conflicts effectively;
- maintain equanimity in difficult situations;
- notice signs of deception during dialogues;
- learn to manage your emotions;
- increase self-confidence;
The author of the course is Oleg Kalinichev. He is the director of Paul Ekman International in Russia.
Paul Ekman is a world expert in the psychology of emotions, deception detection and nonverbal behavior:
- included in the top 100 most influential people in the world;
- intelligence consultant for the CIA, FBI, Scotland Yard;
- the world's best “LIVING LIE DETECTOR” Forbes;
- 50 years of scientific research;
- author of 170 scientific papers and 15 books;
- scientific consultant for the TV series “Lie to Me” and “Inside Out”.
