My address is not a house or a street, my address is: Here and Now

• September 14, 2019
• Psychology of Personality
• Yana Yakovenko

George Orwell, in his famous dystopia, stated: “He who controls the past controls the future.” In everyday life, our perception of the past also influences future behavior. Therefore, it is extremely important to learn to stop living in the past. How to do this? We will discuss this issue further.

Why leave the past in the past?

Mistakes you once made drag you down. It is as if you are walking along the road with your back turned to it. As a result, you see neither the beauty around you nor the final destination ahead. You only see your footprints. Sounds sad, doesn't it?

If you can accept your past mistakes, you will face the future with confidence. Even serious crimes have a statute of limitations, do you really have to torture yourself for life?

Some people relive their past mistakes over and over again, while others find the strength to look forward. Psychologists note that much depends on the inner core of the individual, on the people around him, and even on childhood. However, if you consider yourself a weak and vulnerable person, this does not mean that you are not able to pull yourself together and change your own life. Therefore, it is extremely important to know how to stop living in the past.

Forgiving yourself and your actions will give you inner freedom. A person who is shackled by past grievances and failures cannot develop spiritually. How to stop living in the past? Psychology offers the following methods.

Change your own life

Many people are interested in how to get rid of the past and live in the present. It sounds very difficult, but the main thing is to change your own life.

So, how to forget the past and live in the present? First of all, you must realize that you want this. Understand that the past is preventing you from living here and now. Now you face the most difficult thing - changing your own thinking. Yes, yes, changing the perception of the world around us is the key to getting rid of the past. We will consider how to do this further, but for now let’s turn to the auxiliary points.

So, how can you learn not to live in the past? First, you need to cleanse and harmonize the space around you. Get rid of old things that may indirectly remind you of negative past experiences. Once you throw away everything that has been cluttering your home, you will feel much better mentally, because your home is a projection of your emotional state.

Try to harmonize the space around you. Rearrange your furniture, buy some accessories, or surround yourself with flowers. You should be as comfortable as possible in your own home.

Do something with your free time. After all, you find it for memories and self-pity. Try to find a more useful use for this watch. For example, take a driving/dancing/embroidery course. Or study any creative skill on your own, because today you can find many instructional videos on the Internet. It is useful to do yoga and master meditation.

You can also completely change your clothing style and hairstyle. Women cut their hair precisely when they feel they need to get rid of accumulated negativity. And it settles on the hair.

Anxiety for the future. Fear of the unknown and “Is this how I live?”

• Anxiety for the future. Fear of the unknown and “Is this how I live?”
• Fear of the unknown Why are we afraid of the future?
• Why do our fears about the future grow?

Could you have changed anything?

Alas, humanity has not yet invented a time machine. Everything that has sunk into oblivion cannot be returned or corrected. Therefore, change your attitude in your role in past failures. Perhaps you could change something. Perhaps you missed many opportunities that fate provided you with. However, in fact, you were not the master of the situation: you were influenced by other people and events, as well as the worldview of that time.

Understand that little depended on you. Even if this was not the case, a little self-deception will not hurt. After all, the past cannot be corrected.

Kill your fears!

Just like I always say, this world was created for “doers”, creators. This world is best suited for those who resist, who step out of their comfort zones and who understand their fears and work to eliminate them.

If you choose to ignore your fears or act as if they don't exist, then know that the only place you will see happiness is on TV. Some people think that time can allow them to forget about their fears, but avoiding the things that make us afraid only leads to more feelings of fear.

In short, you can live with fear without even noticing it, and if you don't hunt down those fears, you'll never experience true happiness.

Fear of change - how to overcome it?

• Do you always park your car in the same place?
• Do you always sit at the same table when you go to a restaurant?
• Do you do the same things or go to the same places on the same days?

Do you rarely try something new? If your answers were positive, then you suffer from fear of change.

Comfort zone

This is the logical zone in which a person feels safe. Stepping out of your comfort zone is uncomfortable for many and terrifying for others.

People who are afraid of change choose to stay in their comfort zone due to an inability to face the uncertainty of doing something they are not used to.

Psychological reasons that may make you afraid of change

Apart from wanting to stay in their comfort zones, there are many other psychological reasons that can cause fear of change, such as:

Fear of failure

One of the most common reasons for fear of change is a bad past experience that a person has gone through. If a person has suffered from a particular trauma at any stage in their life, they may develop a fear of change in order to feel safe. For example, people who experience emotional turmoil after failing to do something may avoid it for the rest of their lives

Overprotective parents

According to individual psychology, your childhood experiences influence your adult life. Overprotective parents and parents who spoil their children indirectly teach them how to fear life and how to fear change.

Fear that the past is repeating itself

A woman raised by a cold father may be afraid of relationships out of a desire to avoid another cold man (see Fear of Sex). The fear of change here was caused by the fear that the past was repeating itself.

Oversensitivity: Overly sensitive people are always afraid of change. Their sensitivity makes them unable to bear the outcome of unknown situations, and this makes them afraid to change what they are used to.

Forgive yourself and others

Here's how to stop living in the past. After all, resentment is an emotion that destroys a person from the inside. It nests in the heart, preventing you from breathing and enjoying life. Resentment towards yourself and other people flows through your veins like poison. The ability to forgive, including oneself, is extremely important for every person. First of all, resentment creates health problems. However, it also prevents you from loving and breathing deeply.

To forgive another person, put yourself in their shoes. Remember that you sometimes undeservedly offend other people. Have there been similar situations in your life?

Psychologists are sure: a person who is not able to forgive himself cannot grant forgiveness to others. This is an axiom. So start with yourself. Realize that you are imperfect. And so do the people around you. This simple truth often eludes us, who are so intolerant of each other's shortcomings.

What is a deferred life scenario?

The concept of “delayed life scenario” was introduced by “Socio-psychological reasons for the migration of the population of the North-East of Russia”, V.P. Serkin, Doctor of Psychological Sciences and Professor Vladimir Serkin. Initially - to describe the peculiarities of thinking of the majority of people living in the Russian Far East.

The fact is that the phenomenon of the “northern scenario” has spread in this region and even began to be perceived as something completely natural. People created comfortable conditions and prepared for the life that would come later, when they fulfilled the “northern dream” - they moved to an area with a mild climate, bought an apartment, a dacha or a car, and so on.

The professor says that a similar phenomenon was previously described by Rudyard Kipling. Serkin called this a “colonial scenario,” and here everything is exactly the same as in the case of the northerners. Many Englishmen, during their decades in India, believed that “real” life would only begin when they returned to England. That is, the whole 20-30 years were, as it were, “unreal”, anticipating.

These are just a couple of options, because the “delayed life scenario” is a broader concept. And this phenomenon is not limited to any specific territory or a particular period of history.

According to the “delayed life scenario,” a person spends a long period of time—up to decades—preparing for some significant event or waiting for a goal to be achieved, after which, as he is sure, a “real” and happy life should begin.

That is, he simply exists in anticipation. “I’ll get married and immediately become happy” or “I’ll buy my own apartment and how I’ll live!” - a person designates for himself the moment until which he will not live to his full potential, but then...

And then, when an apartment appears, he will understand that it is too early to relax: after all, he needs to make repairs and pay off the mortgage! So “real” life and happiness will have to wait again. And perhaps they never will.

The past is the teacher

Everything that the Universe sends to us should be perceived as a test, a test of strength, and not as punishment. Any situation, especially an unpleasant one, is sent to us for a specific purpose - to learn something. For example, after breaking up with your loved one due to a wrong decision, you learned to appreciate dear people. After spending several years indulging in your bad habits, you realized that time needs to be valued, and you also realized which addictions you need to get rid of.

Of course, you have made mistakes in the past. Perhaps the wrong decisions had fatal consequences. But would you be where you are today if you hadn't made mistakes? Alas, it is the wrong decisions that make us better and wiser.

Important Details

✅ Practice begins and ends with the visual channel of perception. This is because our primary perception is visual. When we look closely at a tree, we do not imagine it in our imagination, but perceive it directly. It’s the same with sounds: while concentrating on sound or silence, the internal dialogue stops. It is impossible to both imagine and perceive things in direct experience. Thanks to this feature of perception, through the practice of “here and now” you pull attention from imagination and thoughts into the present moment.

✅ At the beginning and at the end, try not to look at distant objects. Hold things at arm's length to notice details. It is better to look at external objects rather than your body.

✅ You can listen to sounds with both open and closed eyes - whichever is more convenient. You may find it easier to close your eyes so as not to be distracted by external images.

✅ Maybe at first you will be distracted by thoughts - just return to observation and concentrate on the details of perception. You can do it.

Fix what can be fixed

Life goes on, you need to learn this simple truth. And it does not continue in your memories and soul-searching. Every minute counts down precious time. But our life is not so long as to allow ourselves to neglect even one second.

Think about what past mistakes you can correct today. For example, you offended a friend in your youth, but you are still tormented by feelings of guilt. Find her on social networks, try to talk and ask for forgiveness. It is unlikely that she still holds a grudge against you. Of course, your friend may turn out to be a rather vindictive person who will refuse to accept your apology. Don't let this bother you. The main thing is that you apologized.

Remember that you always have the opportunity to change something. You only need the present and the future for this.

Throw out negative emotions

What has been accumulated inside for years needs to be thrown out. Everyone does it differently. Many women choose to cry out their pain. There is no need to be shy about shedding tears over events that are long past. Allow yourself to cry as long as necessary to feel liberated.

You can also go to the gym and beat a punching bag/break unnecessary plates/scream out your emotions.

How to stop living in past relationships?

Perhaps many people ask themselves this question, especially women. Each has its own story, but it ended the same way - with separation. And then the woman begins to analyze the situation, to think that she did something wrong. It is important to understand one truth: even if you made a mistake somewhere (and since responsibility for the relationship lies with both partners, you should not blame only yourself), the past cannot be returned. However, it gave you a priceless gift - experience. Now you will think several times before making a similar mistake.

There is no need to kill yourself for a man who left you. If this relationship brought you only joy and pleasure, thank him mentally and let him go in peace. If the result was constant quarrels and misunderstandings, you should thank the Universe that it was all over. Because things would only get worse further. Gradually you would hate each other.

People are forced to constantly improve spiritually. And it is precisely the failed relationships with the opposite sex that suggest what exactly we are doing wrong. Perhaps you are too dependent on your partner? In this case, it’s time to make an effort to learn to live in harmony with yourself, and not look for replacement in another person. The first thing you need to understand is that past relationships are experiences that made you a more whole and thoughtful person. And they were sent to you precisely for this purpose. It couldn't have been any other way. And your life goes on. And it continues here and now.

Why is this phenomenon dangerous?

In addition to the fact that 10–30 or even more years are spent anticipating the future, rather than enjoying the present, there is a risk of “neurosis of deferred life” - a concept also introduced by Serkin.

In this case, the person is not only constantly waiting, but also does not solve important, pressing problems. Or sacrifices something, leaving things for later. He wants something, he can do it, but he doesn’t do it because the decisive moment has not yet arrived.

A person misses opportunities, does not grab chances and accumulates problems.

“I won’t re-glue the peeling wallpaper, we’ll move someday anyway.” “When I find another job, I’ll start spending more time on myself.” “The child will graduate from school, and then I will return to my hobbies and even learn new skills.” “I’ll get this set when there’s a special occasion.” That is, I will do everything, but only when I start to truly live.

It is important that, in contrast to temporary abstinence from any things for the benefit of a higher goal, the neurosis of deferred life involves years or decades of a passive attitude towards emerging problems and infringement of oneself in something until the defining moment. Instead of taking active steps to improve circumstances today.

Don't live in the past, live in the present

Here's what the famous writer and psychologist Dale Carnegie thought about the past and future:

The first and most important thing a person should know about anxiety is that in order to crowd out anxiety from one’s life, one must make every effort to distinguish between the past and the future.

Carnegie proposes installing “iron doors” between them, thereby creating the “sealed compartments” of today. It is necessary to live in the present, without regretting the past and without worrying about the future. Otherwise, past experiences and thoughts of hope will create anxiety and worry.

Be happy and enjoy today. You have probably already been told once: “Don’t live in the past, live in the present.” It's time to understand that you are here and now. You are neither in the past nor in the future.

Overcoming Fear of Change

Overcoming the fear of change is not a difficult task, you just need to force yourself to do what you are afraid of.

To help you get out of your comfort zone, do things that you are not used to. If you are used to eating normal food, then try Chinese food, change the places you go to or the tables you sit at, or go somewhere else to see a different culture.

Even if these changes were small, they will program your mind into a new way of thinking that will allow you to accept the changes.

Finally, find out if your past experiences have anything to do with your fear of change, and then work to address the root causes associated with your past.