How well you live your life, in what direction, negative or positive, depends on you. A significant role in this is played by the ability to accept any circumstances: unpleasant situations, painful conditions, and social conflicts. In order to gain the skill of “acceptance”, we suggest you figure out what it is and how you can learn to accept.
Acceptance is a new level of understanding. This is the understanding that everything that happened to you, for some reason, you need. Understanding that the problem always comes from within you to the outside , and is manifested from within by external circumstances. You receive what you broadcast to the World. The Outer World signals you through the situation what to pay attention to in YOURSELF. Understanding that accepting a situation does not mean agreeing with the injustice of what is happening to you, does not mean submitting to circumstances.
Banal truths
We can either accept these facts of life or not accept them, giving rise to meaningless suffering. Naturally, the best of these options is the first option. Some people will think that I am saying terribly banal things. But, as I have noticed more than once, many of the most valuable truths are very obvious! Originality is often the property of error and confusion. And the truth is simple.
Despite its simplicity, it is not accepted by most people. Remember how many times have you felt angry because of things that you cannot change? For example, because of rudeness on the road, in public transport, or because of the arbitrariness of the management of your company.
Yes, people can be evil, unfair and act in their own interests, neglecting the interests of others. Didn't you know that? Isn't this an obvious statement? Of course everyone knows about this! But you forget about this every time you yell at someone, get upset because you were rude or treated unfairly.
In such moments, your emotions are a reflection of your reaction of rejection. It’s as if you are shouting: “I refuse to accept this order of things, I don’t want it, I won’t put up with it, even if I can’t do anything!” In this impulse, you become like a child who was offended by the nightstand when he hurt his foot on it.
Acceptance is a very simple concept in its formulation. “Accept the world as it is!” What could be simpler? But reality proves that achieving acceptance is not so easy.
The greater our expectations, the more disconnected they are from reality, the deeper the suffering and rejection.
We potentially have more power over our inner world than over our outer reality. Therefore, when we are unable to change the world around us, we can always adjust our perception of this world, our expectations...
Why do we NOT accept ourselves?
The answer to this question often lies in childhood. Mom, dad, siblings, grandparents - everyone who surrounded the child in his early years influenced his self-perception. It’s enough to throw out “come on faster, why are you so slow,” so that after many years an adult hates himself for his slowness. Systematic reproaches can create a distorted image of yourself.
At the same time, parents do not necessarily have to bully their child forever. Constant phrases “you should...” also have a negative impact on self-perception. And it doesn’t matter whether the child can do it or not. The main thing is “you must.” With this, children move into adulthood, continuing to demand the impossible from themselves.
Society is not limited to loved ones. Caregivers, teachers, friends - they all influence how we see ourselves.
One more thing. These are comparisons. First, mothers and fathers compare us with obedient children, then teachers compare us with excellent students, then we compare ourselves with successful colleagues and successful classmates. Getting out of this is difficult, but it is very important if you want to live a joyful life filled with pleasant emotions.
Acceptance is not the same as passive resignation!
Here I want to make an important clarification. Acceptance is not a path of passive resignation to any circumstances; it is not a way to give up and adapt to any conditions.
Accepting reality as it is does not mean coming to terms with the fact that your husband offends you. This does not mean putting up with a job you don’t like, throwing up your hands and silently enduring. This does not mean coming to terms with your shortcomings and doing nothing to eradicate them.
Acceptance does not exclude struggle, work on oneself, constant improvement of one’s life, and improvement of the conditions of one’s existence. Acceptance only means that you do not become emotionally involved in things over which you have no control. And even if you can influence something, then you do it with a mind free of indignation.
Suppose a colleague is systematically rude to you at work. For example, his rudeness is due to the fact that your salary is higher than his earnings. He envies you and considers it his duty to somehow tease you on the sly. Can you influence the fact that a stranger feels envy? No you can not. At least not to your own detriment. You won’t give up your salary so that your colleagues don’t envy you, will you? People envy and envy makes them intrigue and behave ignoble. This is a fact of life.
Can you somehow influence the fact that you are rude every day? I think yes. You can just calmly talk to this person and find out what the problem is. One conversation face to face is enough. Even if this dialogue does not contain any threats and is peaceful.
People love to weave secret intrigues, to act on the sly, to play the game to the public, but they do not like to act directly, “head-on”. And when they are directly asked about their motives, called to answer, they experience the shame of exposure, the bitter feeling that you are talking to them about something that they avoided talking about directly. This makes these people less willing to engage in unwanted behavior towards you.
If talking doesn't help, then you can take other measures...
In general, you cannot influence the fact that people feel envy.
But you can exclude rudeness addressed to you in a particular case. It's within your power. Therefore, you calmly achieve this. At the same time, you don’t think, “What a bad person, what a boor, I’ll show him, he must answer for this!”
You don't spend the whole evening thinking about this person, wanting revenge. You are the master of your own condition. You do not allow anyone to manipulate you and influence your mood. You accept the fact that people are unfair and rude to you as one of the facts of life.
But at the same time, instead of silently withstanding this rudeness, you adjust the situation to your advantage. And you do it calmly, without irritation, anger and constant thoughts of injustice. If you can't do this, then it's not so scary. You are not strongly attached to the idea of restoring justice if it is not possible to restore it.
You accept that fairness is not always an inherent property of reality. This is acceptance!
This is different from passive humility, and I have gone into detail with this example to emphasize this difference. Acceptance is not the opposite of action!
Why is it important to learn acceptance?
By not accepting, a person thereby spends a lot of effort, energy and time resisting circumstances. If a person cannot accept the circumstances, he constantly replays what happened in his thoughts, and worries about it every time. By doing this, a person only destroys himself both emotionally and physically.
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It is also important to understand that there will be no less unpleasant situations and disappointments in your life, but by learning to accept, you will thereby begin to act not to harm yourself . First of all, you need the ability to accept personally, and not the participants in events that are unpleasant for you. It doesn’t matter what events happen in the outside world, what matters is how you react to these events.
Rejection can be compared to a poisonous drink that you drink yourself, but expect that harm will be caused to the “bad” person. That is , to accept is, first of all, to take care of yourself . Having learned to accept, a person becomes a more harmonious person. Becomes stronger, calmer, more balanced, free from dogmas and opinions. Such a person is difficult to manipulate.
Acceptance and self-development
Acceptance is a very important property in the process of self-development. Why? Because self-improvement means that your best qualities will develop and your shortcomings will disappear. But one of the “side effects” of personality development is strong rejection, the stage of denial.
Denial is a chimera of self-development. And we need to fight this. It is necessary to constantly pay attention to this.
Why does this denial occur?
Next, I will tell you a little about myself, about my experience with rejection. You may not have the same experience, but maybe you will experience something similar. This part of the article will warn you against some things. I have already briefly touched on this issue in the article on what meditation gave me. Here I will tell you more about this.
When I began to analyze myself, to direct my attention to my own development, I suddenly realized that what I had always considered an integral and uncontrollable part of my personality was, in fact, controllable.
I used to think that emotions and fears could not be controlled by willpower, and that personality could not be changed. But then I realized that I can become my own master! And the main thing is that I was convinced of this by my own example. But here a danger emerged, which partly stemmed from excessive arrogance.
I believed that I could always control everything. This became my attitude, my unbreakable credo! And so I refused to accept that sometimes, after my success in self-control, my emotions would again get the better of me.
I was frustrated that, despite my belief in omnipotent self-control, I was still lazy, nervous in certain situations, and out of control. Of course, this already happened much less frequently than before. Since then I have made significant progress in controlling myself. But I couldn't fully enjoy this progress because I was frustrated by my failures.
The very fact that I cannot control everything has always bothered me greatly. This made me angry with myself. I also got angry at other people...
The result of this rejection was that I began to project it onto the people around me. I did not accept certain things in myself and, as a result, I did not accept them in other people. I experienced
frustration that people act on emotions, are influenced by prejudices and do not understand things that have become obvious to me.
My rejection turned into such a form of denial that I began to deny all my previous habits, all my previous life, all my previous experiences. I thought “this is the old me – bad”, and “the new me is good”. Yes, I did have a lot of bad habits. But I thought little about what was bad and what was good in my old and new life, and I simply denied everything.
But only later did I realize that even in this past life there was a lot of useful and valuable experience that needs to be transferred to a new life, and not disowned. And there is no past and new life, there is only one life of mine. She may have changed a lot, but it was always me who did not stand still and changed.
I have changed, I have realized many things, but I am very far from perfect, I can still have weaknesses, I can still experience emotions, which I write about overcoming on my website. This is normal, nothing can be done about it. I'm working on myself, but not everything is in my control!
Yes, I will fight, I will act, but there are things that I cannot influence.
The same goes for other people. They have the same weaknesses that I have. And they have the right to these weaknesses! People are who they are! Someone wants to change, someone can use my help. And someone will criticize my ideas and deny my experience.
And I can’t always influence this!
Such is the nature of things! This is another fact of life to accept! Why should I make something that I cannot influence my own problem and source of frustration?
This understanding had (and continues to have) a very beneficial and sobering effect on me. It was even fatal and marked a whole new stage in my development.
I think this is very important and therefore I try to provide detailed examples in this article.
Where does acceptance come from?
“All problems come from childhood” is a common phrase, but it is directly related to our topic. Acceptance starts from early childhood.
In the first years of life, a child recognizes himself, reflecting the values of the adults who raise him (in psychology, this mechanism is called introjection). The feedback he receives is the basis for the formation of the human psyche. This reaction can be very different, and the child will absorb any one.
To better understand the role of acceptance in a child’s life, it is necessary to take a short digression. Let us turn to the theory of object relations - this is one of the main psychoanalytic formulas for personality development. According to this theory, there is a certain core that is formed in the child’s psyche depending on the information that he receives (introjects) from the adult raising him. If a child's emotional needs are ignored, this core will become saturated with rejection.
The baby will verbally or non-verbally catch the message - “you are not there”, “you are not important”.
Speaking about rejection, it is important to remember that the little person is absolutely helpless and completely dependent on those around him. For a child’s psyche, rejection is the worst thing that can happen.
It can even lead to death. Depending on the child’s internal capabilities, his rejection can be directed either at himself or at others.
In the first case, the child has the following thoughts: “All the problems are in me, I’m not good enough” and “I put the needs of other people above my own, I lack internal support.” Such experiences lead to severe discomfort and entail a tendency to self-harm (self-harm) and even suicide. In the second case, people become unapproachable and cold. This will certainly lead to difficulties in relationships with loved ones and complicate a person’s adaptation to the world around him.
Sometimes an adult encourages only positive aspects in a child’s behavior: he ate the whole plate of porridge, brought an A from school, and does not upset the mother. And everyone else is ignored or condemned. The child’s psyche, like a sponge, absorbs these experiences: he begins to think that he exists only in those moments when he is successful.
He reads the verbal-non-verbal message: “You exist, but only partially; You have to be good to deserve attention and love.” But in reality, there are other aspects of personality that remain invisible. At first they are ignored by adults, and subsequently by the person himself.
An analogy can be drawn with how we post selfies on Instagram, trying to demonstrate ourselves from the most advantageous angle. We begin to feel that other aspects of our personality are unattractive and unworthy of attention.
American psychoanalyst Gerald Adler writes about introjective deficiency: this is a situation in which adults deprive the child of emotional support. As a result, he becomes vulnerable, he lacks internal reserve. He becomes strongly dependent on his parents, although with normal development the child strives for independence (“I myself!”).
One of the founders of the theory of object relations, British psychoanalyst Ronald Fairbairn, notes that children in this case are left without internal reserves that could support them in independent life: “They were forced to stay close to their power sources - like a driver who has no gas left. running out, he heads for the gas station.”
There is also a third “undesirable” scenario: if the parent praises the child and encourages any of his actions or whims. In this case, a spoiled child grows up, with a “crown on his head.”
A verbal-non-verbal message that a child reads from adults: “You are the best, you are the king of this world,” “Only you are important, and others are not important.” This “crown” will greatly interfere with relationships with loved ones in the future.
We have all met characters who seek to subjugate and humiliate those around them. Communication with them causes extremely unpleasant emotions. But there is also a downside. If some event shakes the self-esteem of such a person, it will greatly hurt him. After all, life did not prepare him for this.
It is important to note that in the process of growth and development, two directly opposite vectors coexist inside the child. On the one hand, there is a desire for merging, on the other, for separation and independence. Let's give a simple example: at the moment when the baby is in the mother's belly, a situation of complete fusion occurs. He is in the safest environment imaginable. And normally, all the needs of a little person are satisfied automatically.
With the successful development of events, with age a person begins to adhere to a certain golden mean. This position can be formulated as follows: “I am an individual person, with my own desires and needs, and there are also other people who have their own desires and needs. I interact with others equally, without ignoring them or relying on them excessively.” We generalize, but the essence does not change.
If a child receives inadequate feedback in childhood, a bias occurs: either towards fusion or towards absolute autonomy. In the first case, a person wants intimacy, a desire arises to “merge” with everyone around him. In the second, a person thinks that he is completely independent, and those around him do not seem to exist.
"Lion Stage"
In connection with the last example from my life, I am reminded of the stages of personality development that the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche outlined in his book “As Spoke Zarathustra.”
I was greatly influenced by this philosopher in my youth, having read all of his major books. But now my views are almost the opposite of the basic ideas of Nietzscheanism, which I am incredibly happy about. Nietzsche's philosophy contains the most dangerous delusions for the individual. My ideas have nothing in common with the sophisticated aesthetic hedonism and egocentrism that the German philosopher preached.
I won't dwell on this in detail. Let this be the topic of a separate article. This was a necessary remark. Since I am giving an example from Nietzsche's book, I should also briefly indicate my attitude towards his views.
So, the philosopher designates three stages of personality development.
The first stage is the camel. Man, like this animal, carries tons of weight on himself. Of course, the load is a metaphor. This refers to the ideological burden: moral norms, social stereotypes, behavior patterns, ideals. The camel does not ask what exactly is in the bags that were placed on it. Likewise, a person does not ask about the meaning of those values that were “hung” on him.
The second stage is the lion. This stage corresponds to a reassessment of values. The lion is a formidable and aggressive predator. A personality, like a lion, after a reassessment of values, will aggressively attack its past ideals, which society “hung” on it at the camel stage.
He will not ask what is bad and what is good, but will simply mindlessly destroy all this cargo.
This stage corresponds to the stage of denial, which I wrote about above.
The third stage is the infant. The baby looks at the world with an unclouded gaze. His perception is pure and free from stereotypes. Leo destroyed the previous ideals, and now the baby can re-experience nature and create a new system of values.
I gave this classification because I partly agree with it. I just don’t agree with the conclusions the philosopher comes to. His infant forms a new, bloodthirsty, opportunistic, hedonistic-oriented scale of values. My baby partially returns to the traditional values of goodness, love and compassion and happiness (namely, permanent happiness, and not temporary pleasure), only he perceives these values consciously, and does not thoughtlessly “throw” at himself, like a camel.
These values no longer serve him as abstract ideas, but become real, applied experience.
So, I gave an example of Nietzsche’s reasoning in order to clarify this article. I want you to notice the lion stage. This is the opposite of acceptance - denial, nihilism. Only in my example, the lion’s rage is directed not only at values and ideals, but at the world in general (and you yourself in particular) along with all its properties.
You took some steps in self-development and saw what you had not paid attention to before: your many problems and the problems of other people. And sudden awareness of these problems can lead to denial!
You must understand that denial, the “lion stage,” is not the last stage of personality development. I don’t want you to think that when you began to notice the weaknesses of other people more than before, when you began to pay attention to your own shortcomings, when you began to attack your previous ideals with the fury of a predator, then you have already reached the limit of development.
The Leo stage is inevitable for many people involved in self-development, so there is nothing wrong with it, as long as you don’t linger in it or, worse, stay in it forever.
There is a tempting temptation to constantly feed on an illusory sense of your own superiority over other people, to criticize their values and ideals, to criticize their behavior, although you yourself are a millimeter step away from them and just yesterday you were the same as them...
When awareness develops, reality reveals many new properties to you. And along with these properties, all the injustice and grief with which reality is saturated begins to appear.
There is a danger of getting carried away by denying this reality in connection with your new, enriched understanding of it.
Don't get caught up in this denial! Know that there is even better things to come! Conquer the lion in yourself!
The power of acceptance - How to accept reality as it is?
Acceptance is, in my opinion, one of the main human virtues that contributes to happiness.
Acceptance frees your attention from everything unnecessary and allows you to direct it to what really matters. What is acceptance?
Acceptance is the opposite of denial, rejection. Acceptance allows you to accept reality as it is, rather than being frustrated by it not meeting your expectations.
Much human suffering arises from differences between people's expectations about the nature of reality and how that reality appears to us.
Our expectations may relate to how people should behave, how we ourselves should be... We can expect all people to treat us well. We can expect our government to be humane and fair. We can expect from ourselves that we will always be healthy, attractive and ideal.
But our expectations are often not entirely adequate to the state of reality. Reality dictates its demands. Reality acts in accordance with its own laws, and not in accordance with our expectations.
Not all people show sincere admiration for us, no matter how good we are. Government workers have the same vices that we are subject to, and do not always act fairly. But we are not ideal, our health and beauty are not eternal.
These are facts of life from which there is no escape. We can either come to terms with these facts, accept them
, since we do not always have the opportunity to influence them. Or we will experience a perpetual rejection of the fact that some things in this life are not the way we would like them to be, although we still will not be able to influence these things.
Of course, we can influence our health, play sports, quit bad habits. But we will not be able to change the fact that it deteriorates with age, no matter how initially healthy a person may be.
Banal truths
We can either accept these facts of life or not accept them, giving rise to meaningless suffering. Naturally, the best of these options is the first option.
Some people will think that I am saying terribly banal things. But, as I have noticed more than once, many of the most valuable truths are very obvious! Originality is often the property of error and confusion. And the truth is simple.
Despite its simplicity, it is not accepted by most people. Remember how many times have you felt angry because of things that you cannot change? For example, because of rudeness on the road, in public transport, or because of the arbitrariness of the management of your company.
Yes, people can be evil, unfair and act in their own interests, neglecting the interests of others. Didn't you know that? Isn't this an obvious statement? Of course everyone knows about this! But you forget about this every time you yell at someone, get upset because you were rude or treated unfairly.
In such moments, your emotions are a reflection of your reaction of rejection. It’s as if you are shouting: “I refuse to accept this order of things, I don’t want it, I won’t put up with it, even if I can’t do anything!” In this impulse, you become like a child who was offended by the nightstand when he hurt his foot on it.
Acceptance is a very simple concept in its formulation. “Accept the world as it is!” What could be simpler? But reality proves that achieving acceptance is not so easy.
The greater our expectations, the more disconnected they are from reality, the deeper the suffering and rejection.
We potentially have more power over our inner world than over our outer reality. Therefore, when we are unable to change the world around us, we can always adjust our perception of this world, our expectations...
Acceptance is not the same as passive resignation!
Here I want to make an important clarification. Acceptance is not a path of passive resignation to any circumstances; it is not a way to give up and adapt to any conditions.
Accepting reality as it is does not mean coming to terms with the fact that your husband offends you. This does not mean putting up with a job you don’t like, throwing up your hands and silently enduring. This does not mean coming to terms with your shortcomings and doing nothing to eradicate them.
Acceptance does not exclude struggle, work on oneself, constant improvement of one’s life, and improvement of the conditions of one’s existence. Acceptance only means that you do not become emotionally involved in things over which you have no control. And even if you can influence something, then you do it with a mind free of indignation.
Suppose a colleague is systematically rude to you at work. For example, his rudeness is due to the fact that your salary is higher than his earnings. He envies you and considers it his duty to somehow tease you on the sly. Can you influence the fact that a stranger feels envy? No you can not. At least not to your own detriment. You won’t give up your salary so that your colleagues don’t envy you, will you? People envy and envy makes them intrigue and behave ignoble. This is a fact of life.
Can you somehow influence the fact that you are rude every day? I think yes. You can just calmly talk to this person and find out what the problem is. One conversation face to face is enough. Even if this dialogue does not contain any threats and is peaceful.
People love to weave secret intrigues, to act on the sly, to play the game to the public, but they do not like to act directly, “head-on”. And when they are directly asked about their motives, called to answer, they experience the shame of exposure, the bitter feeling that you are talking to them about something that they avoided talking about directly. This makes these people less willing to engage in unwanted behavior towards you.
If talking doesn't help, then you can take other measures...
In general, you cannot influence the fact that people feel envy.
But you can exclude rudeness addressed to you in a particular case. It's within your power. Therefore, you calmly achieve this. At the same time, you don’t think, “What a bad person, what a boor, I’ll show him, he must answer for this!”
You don't spend the whole evening thinking about this person, wanting revenge. You are the master of your own condition. You do not allow anyone to manipulate you and influence your mood. You accept the fact that people are unfair and rude to you as one of the facts of life.
But at the same time, instead of silently withstanding this rudeness, you adjust the situation to your advantage. And you do it calmly, without irritation, anger and constant thoughts of injustice. If you can't do this, then it's not so scary. You are not strongly attached to the idea of restoring justice if it is not possible to restore it.
You accept that fairness is not always an inherent property of reality. This is acceptance!
This is different from passive humility, and I have gone into detail with this example to emphasize this difference. Acceptance is not the opposite of action!
Acceptance and self-development
Acceptance is a very important property in the process of self-development. Why? Because self-improvement means that your best qualities will develop and your shortcomings will disappear. But one of the “side effects” of personality development is strong rejection, the stage of denial.
Denial is a chimera of self-development. And we need to fight this. It is necessary to constantly pay attention to this.
Why does this denial occur?
Next, I will tell you a little about myself, about my experience with rejection. You may not have the same experience, but maybe you will experience something similar. This part of the article will warn you against some things. I have already briefly touched on this issue in the article on what meditation gave me. Here I will tell you more about this.
When I began to analyze myself, to direct my attention to my own development, I suddenly realized that what I had always considered an integral and uncontrollable part of my personality was, in fact, controllable.
I used to think that emotions and fears could not be controlled by willpower, and that personality could not be changed. But then I realized that I can become my own master! And the main thing is that I was convinced of this by my own example. But here a danger emerged, which partly stemmed from excessive arrogance.
I believed that I could always control everything. This became my attitude, my unbreakable credo! And so I refused to accept that sometimes, after my success in self-control, my emotions would again get the better of me.
I was frustrated that, despite my belief in omnipotent self-control, I was still lazy, nervous in certain situations, and out of control. Of course, this already happened much less frequently than before. Since then I have made significant progress in controlling myself. But I couldn't fully enjoy this progress because I was frustrated by my failures.
The very fact that I cannot control everything has always bothered me greatly. This made me angry with myself. I also got angry at other people...
The result of this rejection was that I began to project it onto the people around me. I did not accept certain things in myself and, as a result, I did not accept them in other people. I experienced
frustration that people act on emotions, are influenced by prejudices and do not understand things that have become obvious to me.
My rejection turned into such a form of denial that I began to deny all my previous habits, all my previous life, all my previous experiences. I thought “this is the old me – bad”, and “the new me is good”. Yes, I did have a lot of bad habits. But I thought little about what was bad and what was good in my old and new life, and I simply denied everything.
But only later did I realize that even in this past life there was a lot of useful and valuable experience that needs to be transferred to a new life, and not disowned. And there is no past and new life, there is only one life of mine. She may have changed a lot, but it was always me who did not stand still and changed.
I have changed, I have realized many things, but I am very far from perfect, I can still have weaknesses, I can still experience emotions, which I write about overcoming on my website. This is normal, nothing can be done about it. I'm working on myself, but not everything is in my control!
Yes, I will fight, I will act, but there are things that I cannot influence.
The same goes for other people. They have the same weaknesses that I have. And they have the right to these weaknesses! People are who they are! Someone wants to change, someone can use my help. And someone will criticize my ideas and deny my experience.
And I can’t always influence this!
Such is the nature of things! This is another fact of life to accept! Why should I make something that I cannot influence my own problem and source of frustration?
This understanding had (and continues to have) a very beneficial and sobering effect on me. It was even fatal and marked a whole new stage in my development.
I think this is very important and therefore I try to provide detailed examples in this article.
"Lion Stage"
In connection with the last example from my life, I am reminded of the stages of personality development that the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche outlined in his book “As Spoke Zarathustra.”
I was greatly influenced by this philosopher in my youth, having read all of his major books. But now my views are almost the opposite of the basic ideas of Nietzscheanism, which I am incredibly happy about. Nietzsche's philosophy contains the most dangerous delusions for the individual. My ideas have nothing in common with the sophisticated aesthetic hedonism and egocentrism that the German philosopher preached.
So, the philosopher designates three stages of personality development.
First stage
- this is a camel. Man, like this animal, carries tons of weight on himself. Of course, the load is a metaphor. This refers to the ideological burden: moral norms, social stereotypes, behavior patterns, ideals. The camel does not ask what exactly is in the bags that were placed on it. Likewise, a person does not ask about the meaning of those values that were “hung” on him.
Second phase
- this is a lion. This stage corresponds to a reassessment of values. The lion is a formidable and aggressive predator. A personality, like a lion, after a reassessment of values, will aggressively attack its past ideals, which society “hung” on it at the camel stage.
He will not ask what is bad and what is good, but will simply mindlessly destroy all this cargo.
This stage corresponds to the stage of denial, which I wrote about above. Third stage
- baby. The baby looks at the world with an unclouded gaze. His perception is pure and free from stereotypes. Leo destroyed the previous ideals, and now the baby can re-experience nature and create a new system of values.
I gave this classification because I partly agree with it. I just don’t agree with the conclusions the philosopher comes to. His infant forms a new, bloodthirsty, opportunistic, hedonistic-oriented scale of values. My baby partially returns to the traditional values of goodness, love and compassion and happiness (namely, permanent happiness, and not temporary pleasure), only he perceives these values consciously, and does not thoughtlessly “throw” at himself, like a camel.
These values no longer serve him as abstract ideas, but become real, applied experience.
So, I gave an example of Nietzsche’s reasoning in order to clarify this article. I want you to notice the lion stage. This is the opposite of acceptance - denial, nihilism. Only in my example, the lion’s rage is directed not only at values and ideals, but at the world in general (and you yourself in particular) along with all its properties.
You took some steps in self-development and saw what you had not paid attention to before: your many problems and the problems of other people. And sudden awareness of these problems can lead to denial!
You must understand that denial, the “lion stage,” is not the last stage of personality development. I don’t want you to think that when you began to notice the weaknesses of other people more than before, when you began to pay attention to your own shortcomings, when you began to attack your previous ideals with the fury of a predator, then you have already reached the limit of development.
The Leo stage is inevitable for many people involved in self-development, so there is nothing wrong with it, as long as you don’t linger in it or, worse, stay in it forever.
There is a tempting temptation to constantly feed on an illusory sense of your own superiority over other people, to criticize their values and ideals, to criticize their behavior, although you yourself are a millimeter step away from them and just yesterday you were the same as them...
When awareness develops, reality reveals many new properties to you. And along with these properties, all the injustice and grief with which reality is saturated begins to appear.
There is a danger of getting carried away by denying this reality in connection with your new, enriched understanding of it.
Don't get caught up in this denial! Know that there is even better things to come! Conquer the lion in yourself!
How to defeat a lion?
How can you defeat this aggressive predator inside of you? How to learn to calmly accept reality as it is?
Get rid of expectations
As I wrote above, the stronger your expectations, the less they correspond to the facts of life, the stronger your rejection of reality becomes.
Expectations or mental attitudes that prevent you from accepting reality as it is may include the following:
“I have to be better than others in everything”
The fulfillment of this desire is impossible, because there are no ideal people and you cannot be better than others in everything. There will always be someone nearby who will be better than you at something. And there's nothing wrong with that, it's normal. This is even good, which is why people learn from each other, exchange experiences, and adopt the strengths of other people.
Both the development of society and personal development are built on the mutual exchange of knowledge and skills.
If you rely only on yourself, believe that you should be better than everyone else, then you will suffer because you will never be able to fulfill this desire. And instead of learning from other people, you will grieve that they are superior to you in some way.
I dwelled on this aspect in more detail in the article why communication is needed.
"Everyone should treat me well"
This is impossible, just as it is impossible to be better than others in everything. No matter how good you are, you are unlikely to win the love and respect of every single person. There will always be people who will not like you. And people who treat you badly are not necessarily bad.
And if someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t always mean that you yourself are bad. Each person is a whole individual. And often people’s attitude towards other people depends on personal attitudes, upbringing, principles, available information, mental state and many other internal factors that you cannot influence in any way.
The problem of attitude towards you is not always your personal problem! And this depends not only on you, but on the subject who perceives you.
Therefore, it is impossible to please everyone (more about this in the article on how to learn to say no). Therefore, what's the point of worrying about it?
But a bad attitude towards you is not always just another person’s problem. Sometimes it can show you your weaknesses. And if so, then a bad but fair opinion about you only benefits you, because you can change thanks to it! This is good, therefore, again, there is no point in worrying about it!
"I must always be right"
Every person can make mistakes. And you are no exception. You are not always right, even when you are sure of it. And if you think that the truth is only yours, then such an attitude will prevent you from being flexible, changing your views if they were previously wrong, or simply complementing them.
Each person's experience is limited and therefore opinions based on that experience are often erroneous or incomplete. The exchange of opinions between people should enrich each individual (for more details, see the article why communication is needed). But this will not happen if you think that your opinion is the only correct one. And you will suffer, because reality will sometimes show you how very wrong you are. This is normal and should be accepted as a fact rather than being frustrated by it.
“I have to prove that I am right to those who disagree with me”
No, they shouldn't. You will never convince some people that you are right, even if you are really close to the truth and are infallible in logic. Therefore, attempts to convince someone of something are often doomed to failure and only cause mutual indignation on both sides of such a dialogue.
Many people will never accept your views and beliefs, no matter how correct they may seem to you. This is a fact of life. So what if a person doesn’t agree with you? Who cares? Even if you suddenly manage to convince him, what will you gain from it? Often nothing!
“I must respond to every insult directed at me”
No, they shouldn't. If your neighbor's dog barks at you, you don't have to bark back. The fact that you were insulted should not create a problem for you. This remains the personal problem of the person who insulted you, not yours.
There is an excellent Buddhist parable. Once Buddha and his disciples passed by a village. People from the village began to insult Buddha, but he did not react to this. Buddha's disciples began to ask the teacher why he did not respond to such vile insults.
Buddha said: “These people are doing their job. They are angry. It seems to them that I am an enemy of their religion, their moral values. These people insult me, it's natural (My note: If you adapt the last statement to the context of this article, it can be paraphrased as follows: people are angry at those who trample on their values and ideals. It's natural. It's a fact of life, I accept this fact).
I am a free person and my actions stem from my inner state. Nothing can manipulate me, including other people's insults. I am the master of my own fortune.”
In turn, the Buddha asked the disciples: “When we passed by another village, people brought us food, but we were not hungry and gave them their food back, what did they do with it?”
“They must have taken it back from us and distributed it to their children and animals.”
“It is so,” replied the Buddha. “I do not accept your insults, just as I once did not accept food from the inhabitants of another village. I return your resentment back to you. Do with it what you want."
Here, the Buddha’s words “I do not accept” do not mean “rejection” within the terminology of this article - do not confuse it. On the contrary, Buddha accepts the fact that people can be rude to him. Without accepting insults, he simply does not allow them into himself.
“I can always control everything”
No, not all. Life situations can be out of your control, as can your emotions. Accept it.
“Everything in life should turn out the way I want”
Life exists according to its own laws. And these laws do not always meet your expectations.
“I must always remain joyful”
In life there are moments of joy and moments of sorrow. A person is subject to different states and some states replace others. It is difficult to always remain cheerful and joyful.
Accept unpleasant emotions when they arise.
This advice may seem strange to those who have been reading my blog for a long time. After all, I always said that you need to get rid of negative emotions, but now I advise you to accept them.
One does not contradict the other and, on the contrary, complements it. A person can be angry, irritated, prejudiced, and envious at times, no matter how well he knows how to control himself.
Accept this as a fact and don't beat yourself up for being weak at times, for not being as focused and focused on some days as you are on other days.
Everything is constantly changing within a person. One day you can stay focused, be confident, and feel happy and at peace. The next day everything will fall out of your hands, you will be frustrated and nervous and, sometimes, you yourself will not know what this is connected with.
This is the nature of things: nothing lasts forever, everything is constantly changing, and we cannot always track the causes of these changes. All that remains is to accept this as a fact. Today our condition does not meet our expectations: we are tired and irritated. But this is only a temporary mood, like any other. It will be replaced by another state. Therefore, you should not get hung up on it or experience rejection. As this feeling appeared, so it will pass.
This is what it means to accept.
“Health and beauty will never run out”
Health
– a transitory thing, just like beauty. Accept the fact that these things will not be with you forever. Now you are young, healthy, successful with women, but this will not always be the case.
There is no need to be sad about this, just accept this fact so as not to be disappointed later. People who are too strongly attached to sexual pleasure, the sensory impressions of youth, and external splendor have great difficulty parting with these things when their time comes.
If these things once formed the basis of their existence, then, having lost these things, these people seem to be deprived of everything. Therefore, I believe that one should not focus on these things, but that it is also necessary to take care of moral, intellectual, and spiritual development.
“There should always be justice in life”
Unfortunately, life is neither fair nor unfair. The concept of justice exists only in the human mind. Justice is not an objective property of nature.
Your young neighbor may live much richer than you just because he has rich and influential parents, although he himself has not lifted a finger to achieve this position. Everything that you have strived for all your life through hard work, but have not achieved, your neighbor already has.
Reality constantly demonstrates to us its inconsistency with human concepts of injustice.
How your life will turn out depends very much on you. Much stronger than many of you are used to thinking. But, nevertheless, a lot depends on chance, on blind arbitrariness, beyond your control.
And instead of thinking about how unlucky you are, that your life did not turn out the way you wanted, lamenting the fact that you were born in the wrong family, in the wrong country, think about how lucky you are!
After all, everything could have turned out much worse. I constantly think about how good my fate was, that I was not born in the USSR during the times of repression, I do not go hungry and do not work 14 hours a day in a factory somewhere in North Korea, I do not go deaf from shell explosions while sitting in the trenches at the front, I do not suffer from any fatal disease.
When I hear about such horrors, I immediately begin to think that I could easily find myself in such a situation myself and that I am immeasurably lucky that I have food, water, a roof over my head, health and a bunch of other advantages of civilization. I don't put myself in mortal danger every day, which I'm very glad about.
I don’t want to bring my reasoning to the point that you need to come to terms with everything and not try to make this world a better place. No, I want you to accept this world as it is, with all its injustice and bitterness, and stop denying the things it shows you.
Strive to make this world a better place and people happier! But come to terms with what you cannot influence!
People can be rude, angry and self-centered. It's a fact of life, accept it. Those on whom you depend do not always follow justice and considerations of concern for others. It's a fact of life, accept it.
Life doesn't always meet your expectations. It's a fact of life, accept it.
Acceptance is not the same as some kind of sad humility, when you realize that everything is bad and hang your head dejectedly, constantly being aware of the imperfections of this world.
No, acceptance means the absence of suffering for an empty reason, the absence of denial, which depletes your moral strength, causes anger and intolerance. Acceptance implies peace and freedom.
Freedom of your condition from negative manifestations of the outside world and from the will of other people!
Voltaire said: “We live in the best of all possible worlds!”
All we have is the world in which we live. And this world is what it is, and we are not given another world.
How to defeat a lion?
How can you defeat this aggressive predator inside of you? How to learn to calmly accept reality as it is?
Get rid of expectations
As I wrote above, the stronger your expectations, the less they correspond to the facts of life, the stronger your rejection of reality becomes.
Expectations or mental attitudes that prevent you from accepting reality as it is may include the following:
“I have to be better than others in everything”
The fulfillment of this desire is impossible, because there are no ideal people and you cannot be better than others in everything. There will always be someone nearby who will be better than you at something. And there's nothing wrong with that, it's normal. This is even good, which is why people learn from each other, exchange experiences, and adopt the strengths of other people.
Both the development of society and personal development are built on the mutual exchange of knowledge and skills.
If you rely only on yourself, believe that you should be better than everyone else, then you will suffer because you will never be able to fulfill this desire. And instead of learning from other people, you will grieve that they are superior to you in some way.
I dwelled on this aspect in more detail in the article why communication is needed.
"Everyone should treat me well"
This is impossible, just as it is impossible to be better than others in everything. No matter how good you are, you are unlikely to win the love and respect of every single person. There will always be people who will not like you. And people who treat you badly are not necessarily bad.
And if someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t always mean that you yourself are bad. Each person is a whole individual. And often people’s attitude towards other people depends on personal attitudes, upbringing, principles, available information, mental state and many other internal factors that you cannot influence in any way.
The problem of attitude towards you is not always your personal problem! And this depends not only on you, but on the subject who perceives you.
Therefore, it is impossible to please everyone (more about this in the article on how to learn to say no). Therefore, what's the point of worrying about it?
But a bad attitude towards you is not always just another person’s problem. Sometimes it can show you your weaknesses. And if so, then a bad but fair opinion about you only benefits you, because you can change thanks to it! This is good, therefore, again, there is no point in worrying about it!
"I must always be right"
Every person can make mistakes. And you are no exception. You are not always right, even when you are sure of it. And if you think that the truth is only yours, then such an attitude will prevent you from being flexible, changing your views if they were previously wrong, or simply complementing them.
Each person's experience is limited and therefore opinions based on that experience are often erroneous or incomplete. The exchange of opinions between people should enrich each individual (for more details, see the article why communication is needed). But this will not happen if you think that your opinion is the only correct one. And you will suffer, because reality will sometimes show you how very wrong you are. This is normal and should be accepted as a fact rather than being frustrated by it.
“I have to prove that I am right to those who disagree with me”
No, they shouldn't. You will never convince some people that you are right, even if you are really close to the truth and are infallible in logic. Therefore, attempts to convince someone of something are often doomed to failure and only cause mutual indignation on both sides of such a dialogue.
Many people will never accept your views and beliefs, no matter how correct they may seem to you. This is a fact of life. So what if a person doesn’t agree with you? Who cares? Even if you suddenly manage to convince him, what will you gain from it? Often nothing!
“I must respond to every insult directed at me”
No, they shouldn't. If your neighbor's dog barks at you, you don't have to bark back. The fact that you were insulted should not create a problem for you. This remains the personal problem of the person who insulted you, not yours.
There is an excellent Buddhist parable. Once Buddha and his disciples passed by a village. People from the village began to insult Buddha, but he did not react to this. Buddha's disciples began to ask the teacher why he did not respond to such vile insults.
Buddha said: “These people are doing their job. They are angry. It seems to them that I am an enemy of their religion, their moral values. These people insult me, it's natural (My note: If you adapt the last statement to the context of this article, it can be paraphrased as follows: people are angry at those who trample on their values and ideals. It's natural. It's a fact of life, I accept this fact).
I am a free person and my actions stem from my inner state. Nothing can manipulate me, including other people's insults. I am the master of my own fortune.”
In turn, the Buddha asked the disciples: “When we passed by another village, people brought us food, but we were not hungry and gave them their food back, what did they do with it?”
“They must have taken it back from us and distributed it to their children and animals.”
“It is so,” replied the Buddha. “I do not accept your insults, just as I once did not accept food from the inhabitants of another village. I return your resentment back to you. Do with it what you want."
Here, the Buddha’s words “I do not accept” do not mean “rejection” within the terminology of this article - do not confuse it. On the contrary, Buddha accepts the fact that people can be rude to him. Without accepting insults, he simply does not allow them into himself.
“I can always control everything”
No, not all. Life situations can be out of your control, as can your emotions. Accept it.
“Everything in life should turn out the way I want”
Life exists according to its own laws. And these laws do not always meet your expectations.
“I must always remain joyful”
In life there are moments of joy and moments of sorrow. A person is subject to different states and some states replace others. It is difficult to always remain cheerful and joyful.
Accept unpleasant emotions when they arise.
This advice may seem strange to those who have been reading my blog for a long time. After all, I always said that you need to get rid of negative emotions, but now I advise you to accept them.
One does not contradict the other and, on the contrary, complements it. A person can be angry, irritated, prejudiced, and envious at times, no matter how well he knows how to control himself.
Accept this as a fact and don't beat yourself up for being weak at times, for not being as focused and focused on some days as you are on other days.
Everything is constantly changing within a person. One day you can stay focused, be confident, and feel happy and at peace. The next day everything will fall out of your hands, you will be frustrated and nervous and, sometimes, you yourself will not know what this is connected with.
This is the nature of things: nothing lasts forever, everything is constantly changing, and we cannot always track the causes of these changes. All that remains is to accept this as a fact. Today our condition does not meet our expectations: we are tired and irritated. But this is only a temporary mood, like any other. It will be replaced by another state. Therefore, you should not get hung up on it or experience rejection. As this feeling appeared, so it will pass.
This is what it means to accept.
“Health and beauty will never run out”
Health is a transitory thing, just like beauty. Accept the fact that these things will not be with you forever. Now you are young, healthy, successful with women, but this will not always be the case.
There is no need to be sad about this, just accept this fact so as not to be disappointed later. People who are too strongly attached to sexual pleasure, the sensory impressions of youth, and external splendor have great difficulty parting with these things when their time comes.
If these things once formed the basis of their existence, then, having lost these things, these people seem to be deprived of everything. Therefore, I believe that one should not focus on these things, but that it is also necessary to take care of moral, intellectual, and spiritual development.
How to learn to accept
Step 1: Agree “Yes, this happened.”
Do not confuse this point with humility. Acceptance means agreeing that the situation is inevitable, that you are willing to endure the hardships of adversity for the rest of your life. To reconcile is to submit to circumstances. And accepting a situation means agreeing that it has already happened, but at the same time understanding that there is always a way out of any situation, including this one. And as a rule, there is more than one way out. All that remains is to find this way out.
Step 2. Find the reason “why it happened”
Every situation contains a “pearl of wisdom.” Think about why this situation happened to you. Realize what is important it highlights to you. Thank everyone who took part in the events, and don’t forget about yourself, for the new vision of what happened.
Step 3. Move on without looking back
Move on without looking back at “I know how to prevent this from happening.” For example: you left the house and it was raining outside. You had to go back for an umbrella. You will not be offended and complain about the rain, that it is inappropriate for you. Even if you grumble, you certainly won’t hang around in this state for a long time. Accept this as a fact and, based on this situation, next time, before leaving, look out the window and grab the necessary items immediately so that you don’t have to return.
Who is Lee?
Before we begin, I would like to introduce you to Lee.
Here's how he talks about himself:
I was born in 1974 in the country of the USSR. From birth I knew that I would become a wizard. As a child, I even performed what are called miracles. As I grew up, they clearly explained to me that there are no miracles, and the world is pragmatic.
I didn’t really believe in this, because our family kept ancient texts that were used by my great-great-grandmother, who was a famous sorceress and was extremely in demand in healing.
Lee is an amazing author whose books are a breeze to read. In a completely simple and understandable language, he talks about complex things, in particular, he talks about what reality is, how to manage it and how to come to the realization of “Who am I?”
Lee's most famous books to date are:
- “Instructions for the body”;
- “Instructions for reality. Who am I?";
- "Keys to Consciousness";
- "How to materialize thoughts."
Lee explains the need to use a pseudonym for his writings simply:
Why a pseudonym? The book “Instructions for Reality” was written in such a way that every reader could feel like the author of his own life. Any examples from the life of the author of the book would become an imposition of a point of view, which is extremely undesirable. You either create your reality consciously, or you will be led by other people.
Lee is not only a writer, but also a mentor. He conducts seminars and consultations for those interested in the topics of consciousness and subconsciousness, the power of thinking and managing reality.
Lee teaches us:
You inherently have the ability to create your life. You are the reason for all events in your life.
By allowing a person to go through a step-by-step experience in knowing himself. It's experience. As one gains experience, one develops an expanded understanding. As understanding grows, the level of self-awareness increases. As awareness grows, experience changes qualitatively.
Gradually, people come to a new perception of themselves and create miracles in their lives, which are not miracles at all, but only a consequence of a direct awareness of their capabilities.
Today I want to share with you tips and secret tricks from Lee’s book “Instructions for Reality. Who am I?".
I think it's time to start!
How I became happy for the experiment
Before writing the article, I tested this formula on myself. I analyzed several situations in which I felt unhappy and became convinced that if you remove expectations, acceptance appears. The feeling of dissatisfaction, disappointment, injustice goes away. You begin to appreciate what you have. You think you're actually lucky. Satisfaction with life increases sharply, and with it the feeling of happiness.
For example, while a new home is being built, I have to live with relatives. Any person who has already lived independently can imagine how uncomfortable it is to return to the previous stage - living with relatives. When you are already accustomed to freedom, to living by your own rules. Someone again needs something from you, someone will definitely try to stick their nose into your affairs.
However, all this is terrible only from the standpoint of my conviction that I should live separately. I deserve it, I think it’s right, so should have it. I expect this from life and am unhappy that I don’t have it now. Logical?
But if you remove this expectation, the picture doesn't look nearly as bleak. I live with fairly well-meaning relatives who, although they poke their nose into my affairs, try not to be too annoying. The apartment is large, everyone has their own room. New housing is being built. Many would envy such a situation. Especially those who are forced to live in cramped apartments with people who get on their nerves around the clock.
When I look at the situation from this side, I understand that my previous negative assessment is connected solely with my expectations. I want to live separately right now, and not in two years. However, in life it is rare for everything to appear “right now”. One must be able to wait - this is the quality of a mature person.
Of course, you can wait in different ways too. You can wait passively - until everything somehow takes over and gets better. Or you can actively - taking all the necessary actions to achieve what you want. But this “active waiting” is very different from hasty action or impatience. You can do it, move forward and at the same time constantly torment yourself with impatience: “Well, when? Well, when already??
The secret to a happy life today
If we combine the “activity” parameter with the “acceptance” parameter, we get 4 life styles:
Passive without acceptance
A person who constantly blames others, complains about life, but does nothing to change it. Lifestyle of a retired granny.
Passive with acceptance
A person who does nothing and is happy with everything. Lifestyle of a saint or monk. It is extremely rare in the world.
Active without acceptance
A person constantly rushing to achieve results. The time gap between the action and the result gives him discomfort. He wants everything at once and right now. And he even does something for this, which is not bad. But constantly waiting for results, squeezing yourself and those around you to the maximum steals the very joy of life. Which is located just somewhere in these very gaps.
Lifestyle of a businessman. In a more passive version - a sales manager. Not a bad option, not counting the fact that the person lives in constant neurosis.
Active with acceptance
A person who acts and enjoys the process. He understands that achieving a result is a short moment. The main part of life is not the result, but the road to it. He knows how to enjoy this road. Knows how to enjoy good weather and wait patiently for the rain. He knows for sure that the rain will stop and he can continue his journey.
Lifestyle...whose? Probably the farmer from wise parables
