How to start living your life and turn off autopilot?

Who is the master of your life?

The master of life is the one who is aware of his desires, goals, deep values ​​and lives in accordance with them. He knows that everything he has now is the result of his own choices and decisions, and not of external circumstances. The master of his destiny accepts responsibility for his life and realizes the consequences of his actions.

The master of your life is NOT: not a narcissistic egoist, not a misanthrope, not a misanthrope, not a victim of genotype, upbringing and place of birth. He lives in a self-created reality, but at the same time he respects other people’s desires and knows how to coordinate his actions with those around him. And when he concedes in something, he does it of his own free will, and not under coercion.

general information

On the one hand, everything seems to be very simple - live, do what you like, meet people who make you happy and be happy. But, unfortunately, in reality it turns out to be not so simple.

Have you ever had the thought that nothing special is happening for you and you feel unhappy? I would like to hope that it is not, but if it is, I hasten to please you - this can be changed.

It is only important to learn to notice life in order to live it. As they say, be here and now, in the present.

The reason for such thoughts is often an internal ban on unpleasant feelings. For example, in our society it is still forbidden to be angry or upset. Girls are taught from childhood that showing their irritation is ugly. Boys are not allowed to be sad, because if they cry, they will become like girls.

What happens when a friend or loved one says they are sad? That’s right, they immediately try to cheer him up or say that there’s nothing wrong with him, stop being limp, you need to pull yourself together.

Growing up like this, we then do not allow ourselves to experience negative feelings. And they form part of our everyday life. Feeling alive can sometimes be too painful, unbearable. Understand that some needs are not met - as well.

Then many simply try to escape from reality, for example, by becoming dependent. And if you ignore some part of yourself, “freeze” your emotions, then how can you rejoice and live, breathing deeply?

How to become the master of your life?

To feel like the master of your life means to tune in to the daily work of managing a complex and risky company - your destiny.

Realize that you have let go of the steering wheel.

Don't know what you want? Do you often experience bitterness and melancholy instead of joy? Blame someone else for all your failures? This means that the problem still exists. Sometimes you just need to be able to look at yourself from the outside. A list of questions will help you determine how much you control the situation.

When describing events in your life, you often use phrases:

• “I must (forced)”;
• “I have no choice (exit)”;
• “I live for others”;
• "It's not my fault";
• “I am not able to change anything”;
• “what else can I do”?

Do you constantly disrupt your plans because strangers interfere in your life?

Do you consider yourself a victim of circumstances, someone else's intentions, a hostage of the situation, origin, environment?

Do you shudder at the thought that in ten years life will remain the same?

If you answer “yes” too often, you have truly put on a victim costume. Victims do not control themselves, they submit to others. But in fact, being a victim is beneficial: you are pitied, looked after, pampered. This is not easy to admit. Once you understand what benefits you get in this situation, you can act further.

Take the test: Self-Esteem Scale

Realize the benefits of being a victim.

Many people dream of steering their destiny only in words. In fact, they have a hundred preparations, excuses and scenarios for all occasions just to prevent this from happening. Sound familiar?

• Adult children live with their parents for years, fight, but continue to live like this.
• The subordinate works for a meager salary, endures complaints, but does not quit.
• The wife suffers from her husband's drunkenness, but does not divorce.
• A man has been planning to open his own business for years, but the economic situation in the country is not improving.

If you ask these people why they endure unpleasant situations (sometimes for decades), everyone will have their own logical explanation. On the one hand, they suffer. On the other hand, this is an advantageous position to justify doing nothing. Shifting responsibility for one's own life is the position of a victim. And while there is a benefit - it sucks in its own small, foul-smelling, but native swamp and at the same time protects it. The reason is stability, a relative comfort zone.

Get out of your comfort zone.

Being in the comfort zone, we suffer, but gradually adapt to unpleasant conditions. Over time, we adapt so much that we no longer want to leave our swamp. In this regard, I would like to say: “the devil is not as terrible as he is painted.” The consequences of leaving our comfort zone are not as terrible as we stress ourselves out. Sometimes an action, thought out and weighed over years, is accomplished with a meager amount of effort. As a result, I am ashamed of myself.

Until you start managing your life, others will manage it. Yes, you may have to shrink, change to public transport, quarrel with someone, experience discomfort, feel misunderstanding or condemnation from others. But when you take the situation into your own hands, you will begin to have a good understanding of your and other people’s lives, get rid of stress or learn to cope with it. As a result, you will bring harmony to an orderly life.

There is another unpleasant but important side to leaving the zone. This is constant work on yourself: setting goals, achievements, falls and disappointments. So, when you begin to act according to your own plan, you will immediately have to part with illusions about yourself, your loved one.

Take the test: child, adult, parent

Give up illusions.

Resistance from your family is an essential part of your transformation. After all, before this you were such a “convenient” child, parent, employee, spouse. And now suddenly you start to rebel. Those around you are unlikely to tolerate this. They will convince, pressure, give advice, be indignant, insist, take tears or illnesses (often fictitious), threaten and do anything to make you become the same. If you wait from the position of a victim, you will never accumulate strength.

The rescue of drowning people is the work of the drowning people themselves. When we seek the approval of others, we fall into a psychological trap. It seems that we want to change, but we are waiting for permission from others. As a result, we do nothing, but again we find excuses. Without a clear understanding of one’s own desires and goals, resisting such a massive attack is very difficult, but possible. Especially if you look at it as another test of strength.

Resistance from others is only half the battle. The role of the owner can sober up with a slap in the face and the understanding that:

• you earn little, not because your education is outdated, your profession has little money, your boss is a tyrant, but because you haven’t lifted a finger for it;
• relationships don’t work out not because “all men are assholes” and “all women are bitches,” but because you subconsciously find manipulative partners and allow this to happen to you;
• your figure or appearance is far from ideal, not because you have a wide bone, genetics or you don’t have money for expensive products, but because you treat your body lousy;
• others have a better car (house, dacha, vacation) not because they are darlings of fate, but because they paid their price for a high quality of life;
• Friends' children are smarter, not because they are just smart, but because their parents took care of them and invested in their education.

In order not to deviate from the path at the very beginning, it is worth remembering: the idea of ​​​​taking responsibility for your life is a transitional stage. Try and try again. Gradually you will feel that you have changed and will receive a real prize - living your own life, not someone else's.

Build your system

Incorporate healthy habits into your routine

Habits determine our actions. We carry out these actions out of inertia, even if they do not bring benefits. Think about what you are used to doing.

Analyze which of these actions are beneficial, which ones are better to give up, and which habits to create to move towards your goals. To strengthen a new habit, clearly define why you need it. This will make it easier to stick to it.

Then create a daily routine based on them. For example, do exercises in the morning to stay in good shape. A couple of hours before bedtime, do not look at your phone to sleep more peacefully. On weekends, be sure to find time to communicate with loved ones or hobbies to recharge with positive emotions. It all depends on your needs. The main thing is that with such a schedule it is easier to overcome lack of motivation, laziness and unnecessary distractions.

The ability to forgive

A person is able to live fully for himself if his soul is not burdened with suffering or resentment towards other people. People around you can often cause pain, either intentionally or unknowingly. One way or another, in response to unacceptable behavior, a person develops resentment and a feeling of disappointment. He becomes a hostage to their behavior, forced to carry these negative emotions within himself.

That is why it is necessary to learn to forgive those who behave unworthily. After all, only an internally free person can live for himself without boundaries. How to start doing this? In order to forgive your neighbor and thereby gain inner freedom, you must internally come to terms with his imperfections. When a person understands that his neighbor cannot or does not want to behave in one way or another, he is freed from illusory expectations. This allows you to free yourself from the deceptive image of your neighbor and see his true face. Having gained emotional freedom, a person is no longer fixated on getting something from another in return. Having forgiven others, it is easier to direct most of your energy to achieving personal goals and taking care of yourself.

Healthy optimism

How should you live for yourself so that later you don’t feel “excruciatingly painful for the years spent aimlessly”? The person who does not know how to enjoy life and notice simple little things dooms himself to a depressive existence. Even on the most difficult days you need to be able to see the good. Those people who did not know how to rejoice and let pleasant events into their lives seriously regret it at the end of their existence.

3) Live in the moment and act now

There is only one thing you can control: the present moment.

However, many of us spend our days immersed in regrets about the past or worries about the future.

If you can relate to this, then it's no wonder you feel lost. You can't create a life you love if you don't focus on your actions in the present moment.

Only by focusing on what you can do right now can you find yourself and work toward creating a life that is meaningful and purposeful.

“Focus on opportunities, not failures. Focus on what you can do, not what you can't. Focus on the present moment, not the past or future. Encourage yourself! " - Akirok Brost

This is where mindfulness can help to live in the present moment. In the book Mindfulness, Danny Penman says mindfulness practices can help you be more open to new ideas, can improve your focus, and build courage and resilience in the face of failure.

Moreover, living in the moment gives you the opportunity to take action.

If you've followed the steps above and know what you want to do with your life, it's important to take practical steps to make it a reality.

Here are some tips for taking meaningful action in the present moment:

1. Focus only on individual tasks, no matter how small.
2. Complete your tasks at a slow, relaxed pace. Accept it and enjoy it.
3. Keep checking on things like Facebook to a minimum. They distract you from the task at hand.
4. Tell yourself: Now I... When you do something, just tell yourself what you are doing. If you brush your teeth, tell yourself this and do only this.
5. Start a meditation practice. This is a great way to learn how to calm your mind and improve your concentration. You will find that you are more productive when your mind is clear and you know what you need to do.

After all, time is the most valuable resource you have, and every second you spend doing something unproductive, something that adds nothing to your value as a person, is another second you've wasted to the wind.

You get older every day, and one day you will wake up and hate yourself for not starting the path to your ultimate goals 5, 10, 20 years ago.

Don't make this mistake while you are young, and if you are old, don't make this mistake today.

Take action now.

Acting in one's own interests

Since the phrase “start living for yourself” means the ability to satisfy one’s own needs and needs, the ability to act in one’s own interests is an integral part of the formation of healthy selfishness. To transform his life, a person should do those things for which he will be grateful to himself in the future. What he does today must be a significant contribution to tomorrow. Often this point turns out to be closely related to the ability to say “no” - both to people and to things that do not fit into the schedule. For example, a woman who throws all her strength into pleasing her husband and children may seriously regret it in a few years. After all, in all the time that has passed, she has not done anything for herself personally, and now she has to reap the fruits of this development of events.

What could be the consequences of such a strategy for such a woman? She will always be oppressed by a feeling of dissatisfaction with her own activities, because she did absolutely nothing for herself personally: she did not accumulate her own capital, did not advance up the career ladder, but only constantly sacrificed her interests and hobbies. It is rare that in such situations she can hear words of gratitude from those for whom she had to give up herself. Sometimes such women (although there are also men among a similar contingent) ask themselves: “What is it like to live for yourself?” To become a reasonable egoist, you need to do things today that will become an investment in your own tomorrow. These can be small steps: visiting a doctor in a timely manner as a preventative appointment, paying attention to your needs and pursuing your own interests, and ultimately, playing sports. And these can also be quite thorough actions. For example, obtaining a higher education, purchasing your own car or real estate.

Forgiving yourself

Parents are able to love their children and forgive them, despite the mess that they constantly make in the apartment (and often in life). Children love their mother and father, even if they do not pay them enough attention, constantly read morals or point out their shortcomings. We are able to forgive a sister who is always late or a friend who promised something but never kept his promise. Accordingly, if we are able to forgive each other, it means that a person is fully capable of loving and forgiving himself.

Even if serious mistakes have been made along the path of life, there is no need to dwell on them. “What does it mean to live for yourself?” - those who want to change their attitude towards themselves ask themselves. First of all, this phrase describes a way of being in which a person consciously refuses self-flagellation. After all, self-accusation never leads to anything good, no matter how justified it may seem. When a member of society constantly reproaches himself for his own misdeeds, he automatically becomes “convenient” for anyone from his environment, but not for himself.

Why you should avoid self-blame

Many members of society are accustomed to noticing each other’s weaknesses and their sense of their own inferiority. There are usually very few people who will not take advantage of such a human condition. The same person who loves and forgives himself for his shortcomings is truly capable of becoming a better person. He will not try to justify himself to other people in order to improve his self-esteem and rise in his own eyes. While a dependent person is doomed to the fate of being led, because all her energy is spent on following the lead of others and reproaching herself for real and imaginary misdeeds.

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How to live for yourself? How to spend your precious time productively? Society at different stages of growing up forces us to follow certain rules of life. From childhood, certain standards are imposed on people: a person must get an education (often something that interests parents), build a career, get married, have children. But the question is, will he be happy? Will such a life bring him joy, will he feel satisfaction from the feelings and emotions he experienced in his old age?

To learn to live for yourself, and not for others, you need to do those things that make life joyful and fulfilling. You need to determine which activities bring joy, which are valuable and useful. If you have a desire to play in the theater in your heart, and everyone around you insists that you need to build a career as a lawyer, you should think about the possibilities of fulfilling your dream and making it come true.

Don't be afraid to develop yourself

Most people do not use their full potential. And all because they are afraid or doubtful. But how can you know whether it will work or not if you don’t try? For example, how to learn to live for yourself when children have grown up? After all, right now there is a lot of free time. You can start going to the gym, learn to draw, or try yourself in the field you dreamed of as a child. Make it your hobby.

Every morning you need to tune yourself only to good events. The best phrases: “I can”, “I can do it” will definitely give results and help a child’s dream come true.

Choosing a vocation

For those representatives of society who are alien to the foundations and beliefs that someone once built regarding the correct and rational formation of their own path, a life spent in the gray walls of an office doing an unloved job is unlikely to bring happiness. After all, in the end, each person lives only his own life. And on his deathbed he will not have the opportunity to reproach those who dissuaded him long ago from following his dreams.

Even if you need to devote most of your time to a job you don’t like, it’s worth finding time for a hobby. Those people who are passionate about something that interests them always become better, even if only in their own eyes. They know how to live for themselves, and they do not need to be taught this. After all, a pleasant thing brings them joy - which means they know how to get a feeling of satisfaction in other areas of life, not only in the area of ​​hobbies or work.

To learn to live for the sake of your interests, you need to have a desire and try to bring your dreams to life in practice. Over time, healthy selfishness will become a habit, and it will no longer be so difficult to follow your principles and make your life enjoyable.

2) Make an action plan and set goals

Now that you have a better idea of ​​what you want to do with your life, it's time to create an action plan.

Don't just sit on the couch and let life pass you by, get outside and set goals for yourself.

If you want to get to the point where you do what you want, you need to work at it.

And the truth is, without goals, you lack direction and focus.

A study from Dominican University of California found that people who wrote down their goals achieved more than those who did not.

Setting goals allows you to control where your life is heading.