13 cruel tips from a psychologist that will save your personal life

Boost Your Self-Esteem

Do you like the person whose reflection you see in the mirror every day? Now we are talking not about external advantages, but about internal qualities. Do you love yourself or does your person seem too weak, spineless and apathetic to you? If so, then it's time for a change. It is difficult to love a person who is not confident in himself. If a person does not understand why one can love oneself, then why should others look for something that the person himself does not find in himself?

Why do selfish and arrogant ladies always have many admirers? For the reason that girls know how to present themselves in a favorable light. They demonstrate to others the strengths of their character and competently mask their shortcomings. You should do the same. Work on yourself and your confidence. Write down your strengths and weaknesses on a sheet of paper. And then develop positive qualities and eradicate negative ones. This practice will help you feel unique and attractive. And individuals who understand their importance always attract others.

Folk festivals, fairs, holidays

The relaxed atmosphere encourages new acquaintances. Look for an interesting man in the crowd who you like purely outwardly, and start acting. You can, for example, ask where there is a cafe nearby. This is how a fair or other mass event will help you arrange your personal life. Attend these types of events as often as possible.

Suitable for dating and charity events and auctions. The advantage is that they usually give you a name badge at the entrance, so you can immediately find out the name of the person you like.

Work on your appearance

A beautiful shell will attract attention to you faster than a gray appearance. No matter what anyone says about a spiritual connection, you can discern a person’s inner virtues only by getting to know him better. And people are always pleased to meet bright personalities who are pleasing to the eye. Why can't a man improve his personal life? Girls spend a lot of time on their appearance, and most guys believe that they are naturally blessed with great looks. But to attract the attention of a representative of the fair sex, a beautiful face alone will not be enough.

The guy needs to work on his body. Athletic men who know how to choose the right clothes and cologne are successful with women. And those guys who think that two-day stubble makes their face look brutal are very mistaken. Caring for a beard is a lot of work. And if you don’t want to spend a lot of time on barbershop services, then it’s better to shave smoothly every day. Remember that appearance plays almost a primary role in establishing your personal life.

Understand who your soulmate is

It is very difficult to look for something without knowing what. If you want to find your ideal soul mate, you must have a good idea of ​​what she should look like. How to improve a guy's personal life? A man should think about the image of his only and beloved one, which is hardwired into his subcortex. Should she be a brunette or a blonde? High or low? An intellectual or a girl with a secondary education? Describe a detailed portrait of your ideal lady.

Thanks to a detailed description, you will be able to understand who can be taken as a reference. And then look for a real girl who matches the description. Some might say that in this case the chance of finding a suitable person will decrease. But that's not true. You will not waste your time on dates with girls who are not suitable for you a priori. After all, a ship that goes to a specific coast, for example, Africa, will not stop at each continent to make sure that it has not yet reached its goal. With a rough sketch of your ideal soulmate, it will be much easier to find the right person.

Start developing yourself

Who are you interested in spending time with? With a person who can make you laugh, tell you something interesting, or ask non-trivial questions. Why can't you improve your personal life? Psychologists say that many people have problems finding a soul mate due to their low level of education. The persona is a boring person and not fun to spend time with. Most often girls suffer from this problem.

Students who have not yet received higher education try to find smart and wealthy men, but over and over again they are disappointed in their gentlemen. Girls begin to think that the problem is that men only want sex from them. But in reality, guys simply don’t find common topics for communication with ladies. There is nothing to talk about with stupid girls, it is a shame to show them to friends and there is nowhere to go with them. Such relationships are doomed to failure from the very beginning. Therefore, educate yourself, take an interest in the latest news and train your communication skills.

Victim Syndrome3

It's somewhere between hypocrisy and "oyster syndrome." A kind of gradient. What's included:

  • Nobody loves you
  • Nobody needs you
  • You're ridiculed
  • Your appearance leaves much to be desired
  • They're just taking advantage of you
  • Society rejects you

Sound familiar? Oh, how you love to feel sorry for yourself! Believe me, no one is really interested in you in terms of pity. Everyone has enough of their own worries to try to systematically destroy your essence. In fact, they love you, they need you, you are quite pretty, no one laughs at you, much less uses you. Except for the boss. But you have an employment contract.

Solution to the problem. Stop whining. Whining won't solve anything. Reconsider your surroundings. Most likely, you are deeply mistaken in your assessments.

Change your social circle

Do you communicate exclusively with people of the same gender? Then you shouldn’t be surprised that you can’t improve your personal life. You should expand your social circle in order to have the opportunity to meet at least a potential soul mate. This is easiest to do as a student. Students communicate not only within their group, but also within their stream. If you haven’t been sitting at lectures for a long time, but earn your living by working, then try to expand your social circle at work.

You can not only talk with people from your department, but also communicate with those people who work in neighboring departments. Your company employs only 10 people and you know all of them well? Then you won’t be able to improve your personal life at work. Ask one of your friends to introduce you to someone. If your friends have a more eventful personal life than yours, then the other half of your best friend or girlfriend will definitely have someone they know who will agree to meet you. Well, if in this way you cannot find a candidate for the role of your soulmate, then you can always meet on the street.

Questions of love: how to improve your personal life

The recent Valentine's Day, as usual, caused a lot of discussions and emotions among people. Somehow it turns out that not everyone learns to celebrate a holiday cheerfully and calmly: some are loved, but some are not, some are in love, and some are not so much.

As a result, on “Day H,” some accepted gifts and congratulations from loved ones, some chose to hide their loneliness with a joke, and others silently drew conclusions about their relationship with their partner. We decided to help those whose conclusions turned out to be disappointing, and for whom Valentine’s Day is not a holiday at all: shortly before February 14, we collected those same “pressing questions” and addressed them to Tomsk psychologist Rimma Gumerova.

Without stereotypes

— What do people come to you with, and how common are personal problems?

— If we talk about problematic relationships, then in 80% of cases, couples come on the initiative of men. Men are more logical in this regard, they want and know how to solve problems: if a car breaks down, you need to fix it, and not throw it away. Women, unfortunately, are more categorical and when a crisis occurs, they often choose negative strategies: leave, be a victim, or show aggression. Another common female strategy is to try to resolve some issues on their own, leaving questions on forums.

But a family, and relationships in general, do not necessarily have to follow some stereotypes. I undermine these stereotypes and criticize them. As a result, people find the most acceptable and optimal way out of the situation for themselves, in which everyone will be happy. For example, a married couple approached me who were on the verge of divorce. Before marriage, she had her own business in another city. Having gotten married and moved to Tomsk, the woman “settled” in the marriage on her husband’s full support and began to suffer. She said that she was tired of living like a purebred cat in the house, tired of the relationship between a “spoiled daughter” and “daddy” that she had established with her husband. As a result, the family came to the conclusion that her husband was ready to give her more freedom; she would again try to build her own business, without taking advantage of his patronage. The family survived.

In another case, the happiest way out of a crisis relationship, on the contrary, was separation. The man in the marriage “pressured” the woman, but she wanted freedom and self-realization. As a result, they decided to divorce. Everything is fine with them: she travels, is quite successful, he has found himself a quiet and calm woman. Despite the divorce, they maintain warm and friendly relations and are raising a child together.

— By the way, about stereotypes. There is a stereotype that a woman should be a little stupider than a man. Here is a question from a well-educated but lonely woman who cannot find her “equal” in terms of intellectual level: is it worth making a fool of yourself while trying to improve your personal life?

- There is such a stereotype. And many follow him, and many do not - and are happy. I live in a marriage where I feel that the man is smarter and stronger than me. But I also know an absolutely happy married couple, where the wife is a pampered intellectual, in comparison with whom the husband seems like a gop. However, this is a harmonious union in which he loves and respects her for her sophistication, and she him for her masculinity. So there is no need to artificially make a fool of yourself. And the problem, most likely, is not so much in excessive education, but in the inability to navigate one’s own feelings and emotions and express them correctly. This happens when intelligence outweighs, and a person becomes a kind of “cracker”. This is truly a psychological problem. The inability to show one’s emotions, to flirt, is quite possibly an innate quality, or the result of upbringing, when parents demanded too much from the child, forbidding them to openly express their feelings. This problem can be corrected.

- Well, almost a “mirror” question from a man who fell in love with an intelligent and well-read girl, and, trying to seem smarter, is now mastering Blok, Shakespeare in one gulp and is even going to quote them on dates. Question: is it necessary to put so much effort into making an impression?

- Need to. Firstly, these efforts make him better, since self-development and accumulation of knowledge never hurt. And secondly, the girl will probably appreciate how much effort was made to please her. And even if quoting doesn’t work out, a young man can treat it with humor: well, you see, I tried, but it didn’t work out.

Between a tit and a crane

— In general, in your experience, which partners are better to choose—comfortable ones, who are approximately equal, or even a little worse, or those who are better to follow?

— People subconsciously look for partners who are approximately equal to themselves. If the difference is large, disharmony begins. In American psychology there is such a thing as “price in the love market.” This is the level of social status, level of career, ambition, intellectual and external data. And when partners meet, they intuitively feel that their price in the love market is approximately the same. And inequality between partners is always the basis for conflict. But in the process of living together, the “value” of partners may change. Much depends on the life circumstances and internal aspirations of the partners, but everyone goes through this crisis one way or another.

Let's take the most common case: a woman is on maternity leave, does not communicate with anyone, she has no time for herself, and at this time a man is making a career and establishing new social connections. Over time, it turns out that a man’s price in the love market increases, and a woman’s price decreases. The one who has a higher price in the love market becomes the leading partner in the couple. The weaker partner tries to “reach out” to him, to get even closer, and shows more care and attention. In this situation, the leading partner begins to feel that his freedom is being encroached upon and tries to distance himself.

And this psychological dynamic can continue for quite a long time, and ultimately lead to the rupture of partnerships. In this situation, the weaker partner needs to make an effort over himself and give freedom to the leading partner. You need to mind your own business, acquire new interests, make acquaintances, and, again, engage in self-education. Over time, the leading partner will begin to become interested in what is happening with his partner, how he lives, and the relationship has a chance to be restored.

— A little more about inequality, this time based on age. A 36-year-old woman who is divorced and has a child from her marriage does not have good relationships with men. Men her age show virtually no interest in her. But young people, on the contrary, are very interested, although she cannot allow a relationship with a person much younger than herself to be serious. How to correct the situation?

- There are two problems here. At the age of 36, most adequate men already have families, or they are divorced, and have children from their first marriages. And not everyone is ready to take responsibility for someone else’s child in addition to their own. Meanwhile, the woman probably looks young and is quite cheerful in character, since she attracts young men. And it is precisely stereotypes that prevent her from building a normal relationship with a man younger than her. You need to learn to perceive the attention of people, even younger ones.

— A question from a young girl: how to correctly determine the moment when you can move from romantic dates to sex; will a too hasty transition affect the relationship between a man and a girl? And approximately how long should it take from first dates to intimacy?

- Wonderful question. In my practice, there are many wonderful stories, and, judging by them, the point is not at what moment the couple decides to have sex, but how they treat each other. For example, I met a couple who had sex on the first evening they met at a party: now they have a family, and they live normally. I know the story, when a girl went to a resort, there she met a man who was married at that time, became pregnant, and later they started a family and have been living together for many, many years.

So it's not a matter of time, "when". Although additional time gives additional chances to take a better look at people and determine their attitude towards themselves. Here, at first, you need to look at the style of behavior and character of your partner, at how much your values ​​coincide. The latter, by the way, is very important.

I will give an example from personal experience. As a student, I, like many students, worked as a train conductor. There I met my future husband, while at the same time another young man who worked as a guide showed some sympathy for me. So, with my future husband, some of our moral values ​​were very similar, but with that guy we didn’t. We could even conduct a “hare” for free if the person really needed it. We have never made money from the “Chinese”. “Chinese” is a bag of bedding on a train that has already been used once, and the conductors, having smoothed it out, sell it a second time to another passenger. My future husband and I didn’t do that, so it’s not fair. That young man, on the contrary, earned extra money in this way, and thought that it was normal. Actually, already at this moment it became clear with whom I was on the same path.

You should always look at how a person behaves towards others. If he is polite to you, but can be rude to a woman passing by or to a waiter in a cafe, then the time will come when he will be rude to you. Well, there must be common interests, common topics for conversation, otherwise life together will eventually turn into dull negotiations about whether the dishes in the house were washed or not.


— By the way, about the dishes. A question from a woman who lives with her boyfriend and prepares pickles every day after work (both work in an office) and admits that she is tired. Or, for example, there was a situation when she went to her parents for the weekend, came back, and he didn’t wash the dishes. Is it possible to somehow explain to a person that they still need to help? Any ways to distribute the work?

— Relationships are harmonious when partners’ contributions are equal. When one takes on all the work and the other takes advantage of it, this is an abnormal situation. It needs to be fixed. But you can’t give any general advice, since they can be fundamentally different people: she may be fixated on cleanliness, and he may consider disorder his natural environment. It is impossible to leave the situation as it is, but it must be corrected by negotiating and experimenting. You can remind them to wash the dishes, stop doing this work, offer duty, or buy a dishwasher.

— A few more questions about the difficulties of living together. A question from two different people with different relationship histories. In one case, a man could not decide for a year whether he should start dating a girl. And she actually waited a year. In the second case, the couple dated for five years, but they lived in different houses and came to visit each other. The relationship ended when the question arose that, in general, we should move in together and live together. At what stage can you plan for a future together? How much time should you give people to decide whether they want to live with you?

— This question does not have a clear answer. I have had different clients with similar situations. One lady was in a civil marriage for many years and came to me just to ask whether it was worth continuing this relationship, whether she would have a family with this person. In that situation, I recommended not to count on living together in marriage with that partner. As a result, the woman ended this long-term relationship and soon successfully created others. In another case, the woman also despaired of marrying her boyfriend. I advised her to clarify the relationship, and soon she came to me, showing me the ring on her finger.

In general, sincerity in such matters is the best helper. It is clear that when a couple is young, they have to, for example, graduate from school, university, find a job - then there really is a reason to wait to get married and have children. When the situation is different, you still need to discuss plans for a joint future with your partner and look at the reaction. In normal, partnered relationships, people care not only about their own convenience, but also, first of all, about the well-being of their partner, so in normal relationships, questions about a shared future should not remain unanswered.

— A question from a long-time family man. What to do if sex disappears from the relationship and the couple begins to live as “brother and sister” and not as lovers?

— In order not to slip into a routine, it is important not to become boring for each other. If life becomes boring, not only sex but also many other good things disappear. And to understand whether you are bored in a relationship, it is worth answering the question: have you become boring to yourself? If the answer is yes, then you need to save yourself. Precisely myself. It’s like on an airplane, when in the event of an accident, an adult must put on the oxygen mask first, so that later he will have the strength to take care of others. If a person is empty and unhappy, he cannot do anything good to anyone.

Well, you need to be calm about family life. In a relationship, like in geology, there are many layers - the mind, feelings, and behavior. And just because sex has disappeared does not mean that the entire landscape has collapsed. Something can be returned over time. Experiment, do something interesting together, travel.

Love online

— A question from a girl who positions herself on social networks as an exemplary housewife and periodically posts photographs of dishes prepared for her. In general, is this strategy correct, will it attract the attention of men and show that she is potentially a good wife?

- I don’t see the point in this. You can and should post something on social networks if you plan to sell it. It may gather some kind of audience, but whether the relationship will work out is a big question. You can, for example, specifically invite someone to this very borscht. There will be more benefits. In general, an active life on social networks and active positioning of oneself is not very good. You need to be more interested in the world and other people.

— Another “network” question from a person who recently experienced a breakup, wants to get his partner back and is monitoring his loved one’s page on the social network: who gave whom likes, comments, etc. In general, is it useful to look at how and with whom a person communicates on social networks, if possible?

- This is complete nonsense and a waste of time both in the case when you want to break up with a person and in the case when you want to return the person. Life in the real world and life in the virtual world are significantly different, and so-called “likes” and comments most often mean nothing. If you need to forget a person, there is no point in monitoring his activity, thinking of something, or trying to beat yourself up: it is better to live by your interests and hobbies. And if there is a need to return your partner, it is still better not to waste time on “reconnaissance”, but to call or write a personal message.

Parting with or without rules

— A question from a girl who experienced a conflictual breakup with her boyfriend, and now, after a while, he is trying to establish friendly relations with her. In general, is it worth being friends with your ex?

— Of course, there is no need to start communicating again in order to continue conflicting. But if these are truly friendly relations, then they are worth maintaining. In general, friendships create a resource for personal growth, and shared good memories are a good basis for friendship.

— Since we’ve touched on the topic of breakups, here are a few more questions. The first is from a woman who cannot cope with the desire to take revenge on her ex after a contentious breakup. How to overcome the desire for revenge?

— The best revenge is inattention and success. You need to mind your own business, succeed in something. Even if at first it seems that revenge does not achieve the “goal,” it’s okay, because, in fact, the goal in this case is set only for the woman.

— A question from a man who canceled his wedding after learning that his bride had an abortion a month and a half before the celebration “so as not to spoil her figure” for the wedding day. How to understand this act and, in general, is it worth communicating with such a person?

- This is precisely the question of the incompatibility of moral values. If they do not match, then it is better not to build a relationship with such a person. And regarding the understanding of the act: if the reason for the abortion was in fact the reluctance to spoil the figure, then it is quite likely that in general we can talk about some deviations in the psyche. Perhaps this woman should consult with specialists.

— A question from an adult man whose relationship with his girlfriend has reached a dead end: she lives at his expense, does not work, plays constantly, and, in general, does not make any plans for a future together. How to change this situation?

— Judging by the description of the situation, psychologically, he has a child in his care, and a rather capricious one at that. What can I recommend? In general, relationships in a couple are different, and in this case a typical parent-child relationship was built. It is difficult to call them harmonious. If he is satisfied with this situation, and he is ready to continue to support and pamper this “child,” then it’s okay. If a man is looking for a psychologically mature person who is ready to build partnerships and move on together, then they should break up.

— Question from a girl and a guy: what to do when an unhappy love visits you? Effort, time and emotions are invested in the object of passion, and in return - rather cold treatment?

- This is actually the same situation with the leading and weaker partner: one strives for intimacy, and the second feels that he needs freedom, he is under pressure. Unless, of course, we are talking about manipulations with deliberate manifestations of “coldness,” you need to understand that not everyone can reciprocate. A girl came to me who was precisely the object of love in such a relationship. She directly complained that her boyfriend was perfect, there was nothing to complain about, he cared about her very much, and the wedding was coming soon. But this relationship embarrassed her, because before meeting him she was a completely different person, she enjoyed life more. Therefore, there is such a very important rule in love: you need to give the other person space to move. No reciprocity? Step aside, restrain all your concern, perhaps unnecessary attentions. And look at your partner’s reaction, by which you can understand which direction the person is moving in general, whether he wants to be with you. Moreover, it is better to treat this correctly: “I spent many pleasant moments giving this person good emotions.”

The way out of loneliness

— They say that loneliness is in fashion now. It is much more convenient to live for yourself, without becoming attached to anyone, without having a binding relationship or children. Do you often hear such things?

- In my opinion, this is not a matter of fashion. There have always been people who are more comfortable living alone. But these are not my clients; they don’t come to me with any questions of their own.

— Question from a girl. What to do if you feel that you need a loved one and are even ready to create a relationship, but you don’t like anyone in your immediate circle?

- If you don’t like anyone, perhaps no one is needed, at least for the moment? And the concept of needing “shoulder” is also relative. A happy relationship is a story of patience and understanding. If you are going to join them, then you need to understand why it is ultimately for. And if there is no compelling reason, then the same reasonable question arises - why?

— And the last question that was asked by almost everyone I talked to: where do people meet now?

— There are many cultural events: quests, quizzes, various sporting events, travel, where interesting and good people of all ages have the opportunity to look at each other, communicate and get to know each other.

Ekaterina Bukhtiyarova

Go to meetings based on your interests more often

You don't know where to find your soulmate? Why not try going to meetings based on your interests. How to improve a girl’s personal life? Think about your interests. Are you learning a foreign language, playing the guitar, or are you into reading? Then find places in your city where you can meet like-minded people. In special clubs you can discuss the latest in the book industry, watch films in the language, or learn new skills in playing the guitar. Along the way, you will meet people who will have common ground with you. Therefore, it will be easier for you to establish communication with them. Well, if you cannot arrange your personal life in such a club, you will not lose anything. At the very least, you will acquire knowledge and skills that will be useful to you in the future.

Be self sufficient

How can a woman improve her personal life? What is the problem with modern girls? They make idols out of guys and live only by their relationships. But the role of God is difficult to cope with, and men cannot stand it. The woman gets upset: how is it that she put a man on a pedestal, but he did not live up to her high expectations. A girl must understand that men are not gods or idols, but ordinary living people with their own weaknesses and characteristics. A lady should not live exclusively in her personal life. A girl should have personal passions and preferences. For example, a hobby or favorite job. Or better yet, both. When a woman's head is busy with business, she does not have time to grind her problems and the problems of her relationships into it. Therefore, happiness in life does not overshadow anything.

How to improve your personal life? A person needs to understand that whether he finds a soul mate or not, in any case he will be happy. He has family and friends. The support of loved ones and the opportunity to spend time in pleasant company exist. And true love will definitely come. And if by this moment a person is self-sufficient, he will be able to appreciate it.

Main reasons for loneliness

In fact, the whole problem is with you. Not in men, not in environment, not in upbringing. You yourself have cultivated loneliness within yourself.

  • Hypocrisy

Remember... You always wear a mask of well-being. No matter how bad and sad you feel, no matter how much you want to strangle everyone who comes to you with questions, you always answer that everything is fine and wonderful. Life goes on as usual, no shocks and everyone is alive and well. And only when you come home, you relax and sob into your pillow, tell your cat all your troubles and fall asleep with swollen eyes. What should others think? Yes, they all really don’t care that you sleep in an empty and cold bed. Even close friends will not move until they find out the true state of affairs.

Solution to the problem. Firstly, stop pretending to be “positive on legs”. And for what? When you periodically begin to show others that you are in a gloomy mood, they are more likely to become interested in what is happening. People love gossip.

And if you directly state that you need a man, be sure that he will be found in a short time. Secondly, don’t be shy to share with your friends everything that worries you. Believe me, they love to launch rescue operations, which means you're in for an exciting time.

Leave the past in the past

What prevents a person from moving on? A past that drags you back often does not provide the opportunity to build a happy personal life. How to improve a man's personal life? It is necessary to break off all relations with former young ladies. Don't have any contact with girls. Don't call them, don't write. Remove ladies from social networks and do not visit their pages. Such protection of oneself from the past has a beneficial effect on a person. The person no longer thinks that he can return to his ex, and begins to take a closer look at the present. But in the present there are many lonely and attractive people who crave attention and love. Let go of the past and give yourself the opportunity to move on.

Treat people the way you would like to be treated

Many girls make one big mistake in relationships with guys. They believe that a man should be a knight, and his task is to win the heart of a beauty. If this works at the initial stage of a relationship, then later such tactics fail. How to improve your personal life and not destroy your own happiness? A girl should invest in a relationship the same way a young man does. A good personal life is the work of both partners. A lady should periodically call a man, ask him out on dates and arrange surprises. In this case, the guy will feel the support of his beloved and understand that the lady is not indifferent to him. If the girl behaves like the Snow Queen, then the boyfriend will think that he is uninteresting and will go looking for a more suitable person.

See a Psychotherapist

All a person's problems are in his head. How to improve your personal life? A person must understand himself. If a person is unable to find a soul mate and the person is always unhappy with something in their partners, then they should consult a psychotherapist. A specialist will help you understand yourself and find the roots of hidden problems. All complexes that are formed in a person originate in childhood. And it is very difficult to change the situation on your own. Therefore, it is worth trying, with the help of a psychotherapist, to rebuild your present by editing your attitude towards the past. This way you will be able to look at others differently and find your true love.

Supermarkets and shops

Look in the men's department at a clothing store. Pretend that you are buying a shirt as a gift for your brother (dad, friend). Ask the man standing next to you to evaluate your purchase, ask for advice on what else you can buy. In short, start a casual conversation. Of course, you need to catch the moment when there are no consultants nearby, otherwise they will ruin your plan with their advice.

It’s a good idea to get acquainted with wine boutiques, delicatessen stores, and supermarkets. Especially if you are into cooking. You can also ask for a recommendation about a particular product. But do it unobtrusively, with a sweet smile and a helpless look. The man should have a desire to help you.

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