8 mechanisms that allow some people to hurt others

Self-harm is one of the taboo problems in society that is not usually discussed out loud. Society condemns this behavior in every possible way and absolutely does not want to even hear about its reasons. For those around them, the behavior of people who torture their bodies is stupid, infantile, and problematic. It is believed that in this “cheap” way they are trying to attract attention to themselves. In other cases, it is common to think that self-harm is a consequence of drug or alcohol addiction. But is this really so?

What it is?

Many believe that causing physical harm to oneself is common mainly among teenagers in recent decades. Probably due to information overload and a lot of violence on TV screens. But this is not entirely true; even in ancient times, various ways of torturing one’s own body were known. This was mainly characteristic of religious fanatics who believed that the suffering of the body purifies the soul. Indeed, in a sense, physical pain can really dull mental pain for a while. And in literature, they often romanticize the image of a passionless person who has lost the meaning of life, who wants to feel at least something again, and then in despair he causes physical harm to himself. But what is it really, where do such thoughts and aspirations come from?

In fact, self-harm is the deliberate infliction of damage to one's body for some internal reason, but without suicidal intentions. It occurs as a symptom of some mental disorders. These disorders may include borderline personality disorder, major depressive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, bulimia, anorexia, etc. But self-harm can also occur in people without a clinical diagnosis. However, it is often associated with mental health problems, depression, and anxiety.

The most common types of self-harm:

cuts on wrists, thighs and palms;
severe scratching of the skin, until there is blood;
cauterization;
hitting your head against a wall or throwing your body onto hard surfaces and objects;
pinching of body parts;
squeezing the head, self-suffocation;
deliberately preventing the healing of scratches and other wounds, opening them regularly;
piercing the skin with needles and other piercing objects;
swallowing inedible objects.

There are 3 types of self-harm:

1. Impulsive – when a person, most often a teenager, experiences a strong influx of emotions and, under their influence, causes damage to himself. This happens unexpectedly, without desire or intention, automatically, thoughtlessly.

2. Stereotypical . Most often, people with a stereotypical type of self-harm inflict bruises on themselves. Such rhythmic, monotonous self-harm is most often characteristic of persons with developmental delays and those suffering from autism of varying degrees of severity.

3. Moderate or compulsive – when a person causes physical harm to himself under the influence of obsessive thoughts. It can be present in people of any age.

Present your arguments

Just do it, but not aggressively. The person will already begin to feel guilty when you tell him about your pain. Nobody wants to admit that they upset someone. And so he will avoid you if you start making accusations.

Instead, make sure you are in a calm state and can talk about things in a civilized manner. Even if you're really angry deep down, try to appear pleasant and appropriate on the outside so that you can really hook the person before he gets defensive.

What is the reason?

There are 2 theories related to physiology that explain why this behavior can be repeated:

1. Serotonin Theory : Some people are less able to cope with stress because they don't have enough serotonin in the brain. For these people, pain makes them feel better because it causes a rise in serotonin.

2. Opiate theory : during wounds or bruises, the brain's anti-pain system operates. Opiates are produced and are the main natural pain reliever. Thanks to them, the pain dulls a little, and these substances can also cause euphoria. People who physically harm themselves regularly may become addicted to these effects.

But in addition to internal ones, there are also external causes of self-harm. Behind the facade of this behavior there are often attempts to cope with emotional discomfort. In fact, absolutely any stressful situation can become a motive to torture your body. Such reasons may be:

intrafamily problems (divorce, abuse, neglect, excessive severity of parents, frequent quarrels, tyranny of husband or wife, etc.);
experience of sexual violence;
a feeling of one’s own powerlessness, extreme resentment (under the influence of problems that cannot be solved right now and that do not depend on oneself. In such cases, a person feels the illusion of lost control over the situation and falsely considers self-harm a solution).

Myths

This topic is shrouded in many myths. It is completely incomprehensible to a healthy person why someone would want to harm themselves, because it is painful and may leave scars. Why deliberately hurt yourself on a regular basis? This frightens some, some immediately have thoughts about abnormality, masochism, etc. People don’t want to delve even a little into this, and therefore in most cases, when discussing the facts of self-harm, they completely miss it.

Myth #1: This is a failed suicide attempt

Not at all necessary. There is a clear difference between those who made an unsuccessful suicide attempt and those who did not even think about such an outcome. Some people want to die, get rid of pain and suffering, while others, on the contrary, crave this very pain. Most self-harm practitioners have never seriously thought about suicide.

Myth #2: Only teenage girls suffer from this.

Not only. This stereotypical opinion is completely unfounded. Self-harm is a serious problem across all ages, genders and social classes. Moreover, if we talk about the percentage of women and men, it will be approximately the same.

Myth No. 3: This is how people try to attract attention to themselves.

Like many other people, those who self-harm may lack attention, love, and good attitude from loved ones and others. But this does not mean that they are trying to attract him to themselves in this way. As a rule, if people lack attention, they can dress flashy and dye their hair bright colors. They try to stand out either by shocking behavior, or, on the contrary, by exceptional politeness and excellent manners. Attempts are expressed at least in loud conversations. But it is completely illogical to try to attract someone's attention while hiding it with all your might. And the consequences of self-harm are never discussed. On the contrary, they hush up and disguise it in every possible way - they wear clothes with long sleeves, cause damage where no one can see, etc. Usually they don’t tell about this even to those closest to them.

Myth #4: This is a way to manipulate people around you

Very rare, but it happens from time to time. It happens that by his behavior a person wants to influence the behavior of his family, relatives or friends. Sometimes he tries to say something by resorting to damaging his body. In fact, this is his cry for help, but he is not heard and everyone takes it for a demonstration. But the vast majority do not do this. At a minimum, because it is very difficult to manipulate someone if no one knows about the subject of manipulation.

Myth #5: If the wounds are shallow, it means it’s not serious.

There is no relationship between the severity of physical injuries and the level of mental stress. All people are different, their lives, problems, and pain thresholds are different. And even the ways in which they harm themselves differ. Therefore, in this case the comparison is inappropriate.

Myth #6: Those people who harm themselves are crazy. And they need to go to a mental hospital because they are dangerous to society

In some cases, people with mental disorders (such as the aforementioned borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder) also cause physical harm to themselves. But this does not pose any danger to surrounding people and does not require hospitalization.

Guilt is a very strong emotion, if a person feels it, of course.

Many people ignore guilt. They don't want to admit that they did something wrong. They simply don’t pay attention to it, they will even forget about it later if no one reminds them. But it is very important for people to feel this.

Because guilt can teach lessons. The more a person worries about this, the more he realizes what he has done. And those who ignore guilt often repeat the same mistakes, only each time their “pranks” manifest themselves in an uglier and more “toxic” way.

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How to get rid of the desire to cause physical harm to yourself?

A person may feel that he has no choice and inflicting physical pain on himself is the only way he knows to cope with emotions: mental pain, melancholy, anger, self-hatred, feelings of emptiness, guilt, etc. But the problem is that relief self-harm does not last long. It's like a Band-Aid when you need stitches.

Yes, this is a rather difficult psychological problem. She needs special therapy and professional help. But sometimes you can try to deal with this problem yourself. For example, if the desire to harm oneself is not expressed too clearly and has not yet been realized in practice. Or if this only happened once or twice.

The most important thing is to properly understand and explain to yourself exactly what you feel. Which emotion is the very impulse that pushes you to cause pain to your own body. This is the basis of healing. It is important not to make mistakes in self-analysis. The ways to get rid of the desire to harm yourself are different for different emotional sensations and internal problems. Without finding out the cause, the investigation is impossible; it will be impossible to move forward.

Draw his attention to you

It's not always healthy to indulge in drama, but some people need it. Sometimes you literally have to go crazy to get the bully's attention. So put on a show. If you haven't been able to reach him any other way, this may be your only option.

As soon as you realize that you have his attention, slow down. Try to make sure he understands what you're getting at. Otherwise, he will simply get angry and refuse to listen to you.

Methods of psychological assistance

If the patient is not able to independently understand the cause of the problem, he can find out together with a psychologist. After all, people, especially teenagers, often cannot explain why they hurt themselves. As a result, the prerequisites for such behavior can only be clarified with the help of in-depth psychoanalysis.

Next, the treatment algorithm is selected individually. In treatment, you can use medications such as antidepressants, tranquilizers, etc. Of course, drug treatment is strictly controlled by a doctor. Cognitive behavioral therapy is mainly used to effectively combat self-harm. So that the patient can correct his behavior, psychotherapists recommend gradually replacing the habit of cutting or burning oneself with other, non-traumatic actions. For example, if you have a desire to harm yourself, you can train yourself to tear the paper into pieces. Or you can put a rubber band on your wrist and pull it every time you want to hurt yourself. Other replacement options could be jogging, hitting a punching bag, screaming into a pillow or in deserted places, etc.

The most effective and helpful way to distract yourself from obsessive thoughts is to replace them with things you enjoy doing. For example, through physical exercise, dancing, playing musical instruments, clay modeling, etc. If a person harms himself in the hope of experiencing pain or other emotions, a cold shower will help. It will act as an excellent amplifier of sensations.

PAIN IS A GIFT FROM ABOVE.

When pain can be freed from its accompanying emotions, it becomes valuable because it leads the soul to growth. Pain in this case is the dying away of the old, that which has already outlived its usefulness, that which is no longer needed. When a grain sprouts, the sprout tends to rise, but the grain itself dies and this is painful. But trying to preserve its integrity is a stop to growth, it’s a dead end. You can fixate on suffering and feel sorry for the “broken” integrity of the grain, or you can, while experiencing the pain of destruction, strive for a new sprout. Pain always accompanies growth, gives us development, leads the soul from the usual swamp to light and purity.

How to help a teenager who is self-harming

If an adult can, under certain conditions, cope with the problem on his own, then for adolescents this requires the participation of the whole family. It is very important to be able to support the child and discuss his feelings and emotions with him. Unfortunately, most families usually try to hide the fact that their children are self-harming. They regard this as their own failure as parents, a shame and a defect in their upbringing. Sometimes parents believe that their child’s behavior is nothing more than an attempt to manipulate them. Therefore, with such a child, parents begin a competition, a game, to see who is stronger in will and character. This could end in disaster. After all, a teenager, in an attempt to prove that his threats are not empty, can cause significant harm to himself. Or even commit involuntary suicide, even if he did not plan death at all.

What parents of teenagers who engage in self-harm should NOT do

Of course, it is impossible to know and see how your own child causes physical pain to himself and remain calm. When parents encounter this, they get very scared and panic. There are some things you should never do in such situations. But most often, this is exactly how parents react, experiencing fear for the child, shock and confusion.

You can't scold a teenager

All attempts to scold, shame, or intimidate him with the consequences of such behavior are doomed to failure. And if you appeal to his sense of guilt and conscience, you may not only not help, but also completely worsen the situation. For example, a teenager cuts himself, trying to cope with feelings of anger, anxiety, and guilt. And the parent begins to blame him (“Do you have any idea how I felt when I saw this?”) and scare him (“You will leave ugly scars and you will get an infection”). All this will only lead to a new round of guilt and anxiety in the tangled tangle of emotions of a teenager. Accordingly, he will again need a way to deal with them. This means that the need for habitual actions, which he resorts to when he needs to deal with feelings, will increase. It turns out to be a vicious circle. Restrictions won't help. Any attempts to deprive a teenager of ways to harm himself generally lead nowhere. And if they do, then to something worse. He may have other ways to relieve emotional stress, much more serious than before.

There is no point in trying to cope on your own.

It is quite difficult for parents to independently understand how to react in such situations and what to do. In most cases, fear makes them think first of all that it is their fault, they are bad parents. That is, in this way they concentrate on their own experiences. While the teenager’s experiences come first. Therefore, it is best to seek help and support from specialists. They may also counsel and work with parents separately from the child. This practice will benefit the whole family and help deal with the problem faster.

It’s very bad to keep silent about painful situations.

If serious, major traumatic events have occurred in the family, it is important to discuss and live it together. Such events can be the loss and illness of loved ones, divorce, disaster, violence, even moving. It is necessary to analyze whether there were enough conversations about this with the child, whether he or the parents themselves experienced this. It is worth analyzing the parent-child relationship to understand whether there is trust, openness, acceptance and support in it. Are there conversations about what is happening in a teenager’s life, about his experiences? Do parents themselves share events and experiences of their own lives with their teenagers?

Express Your Reaction

Why do you want to take revenge?

Each of us has our own answer to this question. And, what is most interesting, it will never be the same and will not be repeated. There is, however, a clear definition. This is objective revenge for the discomfort and torment caused.

Some peoples consider revenge to be a noble pursuit. But there are still people on Earth who sacredly hope that revenge is taken by idiots who are alien to moral canons. How correct is this, whose side should we take on this issue?

How they took revenge in ancient times

Most likely, you must decide for yourself what this concept means to you.

Remember the actions of our ancestors. Almost all family members took part in this confrontation. Even close friends and acquaintances were involved. Revenge entailed a new reason for resentment and disappointment. The circle closed, and it was very difficult to get out of it. So what to do? Should we forget blood enmity?

Read more: Forgiving offenses - three steps to understanding the truth of actions