Developing self-confidence. How to improve masculine qualities?

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Category: Current, Video, For men, Psychology, Male development

“You shouldn’t expect the sea to ever calm down. We must learn to sail in strong winds."

– Aristotle Onassis

Hello! Now we will talk about the most important quality for any man - self-confidence. After all, she is the very cornerstone on which everything rests: career success, popularity with girls, friendships and relationships. A confident person easily makes acquaintances and makes contact, always knows what he wants, and is not afraid to insist on his own. But, it is clear that all this is much easier said than applied in practice. And that’s why I, Roman Vinilov, have prepared some tips on how to be a confident man. Or more precisely, how to cultivate this quality, because it is unlikely to appear just like that, out of nowhere.

I think there is no need to talk at length about why confidence is needed. Do you remember how excellent students almost always got the best marks in exams, even if they didn’t prepare much? It wasn’t just a matter of knowledge or reputation; a huge role was also played by the fact that they answered confidently, and such an answer always inspires confidence.

Whatever you do, if you do it confidently and without hesitation, most people will think that you are right. This is a property of the human psyche: we begin to doubt those who themselves are nervous and doubt themselves. This is especially true for relationships with girls - by showing your doubts, hesitations and fear, you lose respect in their eyes. Therefore, it is very important to understand how a confident man behaves and does.

I’ll say right away: of course, there are exceptions, but they only confirm the rule. For example, a girl will be pleased with your indecisiveness if she thinks that you really like her and you are afraid to approach... But then you still make up your mind and approach! Yes, any fluctuations look good only if they are very minor, and in general your behavior demonstrates calmness and inner strength.

Confident man: what is he like?

Psychologists say that self-confidence and high self-esteem are synonymous with success and strength. Being decisive and ready for any difficulties, a confident person easily achieves his goals and successfully fights the problems that arise along his way. And these are not all the qualities that he possesses:

  1. Acts in accordance with the inherent instincts. But mistakes are not only driven by emotions. Before doing anything, a confident man will definitely think about the plan of action and the consequences.
  2. Takes difficulties as another opportunity to improve. A self-confident person is not afraid of failure and is ready to go to the end even when the task seems impossible.
  3. A confident man knows what he wants and persistently achieves it.
  4. Likes to take risks. The conversation is not about unjustified risk. Self-confidence encourages a man to move towards his goal even when he needs to sacrifice something or give up his usual way of life.
  5. Learn from your own mistakes. A confident man understands that everyone can make mistakes. Therefore, he learns from failures and moves on.
  6. Has a share of empathy. A man, even with strong confidence, is able to empathize with others. He does not overwhelm with superiority.
  7. Behaves like a winner. A confident man is determined to succeed. He knows that he can complete all tasks.
  8. A confident person accepts himself with all his strengths and weaknesses.
  9. He is not afraid to change his life.
  10. Takes care of yourself. Here we are talking about maintaining physical fitness, taking care of appearance and health, and self-education.

Plus, a confident man is not afraid to take responsibility for relationships and family. This is the case when a woman feels completely protected.

Other words for shyness

It happens that we experience shyness in one or two situations, but, nevertheless, we consider ourselves shy. Instead of counting and saying, “I'm a shy person,” try to think and speak about yourself in more specific terms—certain circumstances and reactions. For example: “I get nervous when I speak in public,” or “I feel out of place in a company,” or “I get nervous when meeting with the president of our company. My heart rate increases if I feel that a guy (girl) is paying attention to me.” attention".

Make the most complete list of your reactions related to certain situations. Then decide how these reactions can be controlled. For example, if your hands shake when talking, clasp your fingers, place your hands on your knees, or, as a last resort, put them in your pockets.

Causes of low self-esteem

Insecurity and low self-esteem in men develop for many reasons, some of which come from childhood. This is what it says in psychology books. There are also acquired factors that influence the perception of personality.


Very often parents compare their sons with other boys. They say that a neighbor, for example, studies better, and a nephew obeys his parents. “Thanks to this,” the child automatically becomes weak. He wasn't born this way. An opinion was forced on him.

Comparison has a strong impact on self-esteem and pride, as well as humiliation. As a result, the boy acquires a bunch of complexes and carries the image of a loser into his future life.

Absence of father

Women do not have the qualities that confident men have. Therefore they cannot pass them on to their sons. If for some reason the father does not participate in raising the child, the likelihood that the child will grow up to be a loser with low self-esteem increases greatly.

External data

Men, just like women, pay great attention to appearance. Confidence in one's attractiveness affects behavior, the manner of communicating with other people, and self-esteem. Unprepossessing appearance makes men withdrawn and insecure. Uneven teeth, a plump figure, a slight bald spot and much more make them feel ashamed of themselves and not stand out from the crowd. A confident man will not focus on such shortcomings. He will try to fix them.

Characteristic signs of underestimation

  1. A man constantly humiliates himself and underestimates his strength. His girlfriend may hear such phrases as “I’m not worthy of you,” “you need someone better than me,” “you deserve better.”
  2. A guy may often criticize his partner. It's actually a projection of his insecurities.
  3. It seems that this man is perfect. In fact, this is an attempt to convince everyone, including yourself, of this phenomenon. In reality, this is a way to disguise one's inadequacy.
  4. A young man is almost always in a pessimistic mood. He is unable to see good things, everything seems gray.
  5. An insecure guy will probably be jealous of his partner. And all because he has low self-esteem, because of this he is not able to trust his girlfriend.
  6. Such a person is afraid to take responsibility.
  7. Lack of career growth, lack of ambition.

What methods will help instill confidence?

There are many ways to be a confident man. They do not guarantee instant results. This is daily hard work on yourself and your personality.

Psychologists recommend making a detailed plan for your change and marking the stages you have passed every day. This is motivation to action.

Changing your social circle

It is unlikely that you will be able to become confident and increase your self-esteem if others constantly point out flaws in your character or figure. Communication with these people should be limited or stopped.

New acquaintances

In the new company, the guys will be able to show their strengths. Newly acquired acquaintances do not know them differently, they have not seen their mistakes and mistakes.

Finding harmony with yourself

People treat a person the way he treats himself. Therefore, in order to raise self-esteem, a man needs to love himself for real. Only after this will the attitude of others change.

Changing your appearance

You don't have to rush headlong to the gym. It is necessary to increase physical activity, for example, through morning jogging. You can change your style, buy new things. All this will help you fall in love with the reflection in the mirror and become more confident.

Adjusting self-esteem is the path to lasting confidence.

According to a number of studies by English psychologists, men's self-esteem is more realistic than women's.
But despite this, even representatives of the stronger sex can be insecure, depressed and prone to melancholy. Therefore, it is important for a representative of the stronger sex to learn to learn from failures not worries and self-flagellation, but useful lessons that are important for the future. This is the most effective way to increase self-esteem.

Try to adhere to the following rules:

  1. Don't be afraid of doubts. Any life endeavors are inseparable without these natural phenomena, which very often do not even have a real basis. Don't try to eliminate them, just learn to ignore and step over them, continuing to move according to your plan.
  2. Becoming confident means not listening to those who doubt you. A person who says that nothing will work out is unlikely to be successful in life, and, perhaps, is simply envious of your prospects.
  3. Try to develop an image of the “ideal self.” If you have the slightest lack of self-confidence, imagine that you can become ideal, be a person in a difficult situation who can do anything - and you will see the problem in a more benign light. But at the same time, do not try to seem better than you are, and also abstract from excessive perfectionism, because no one is immune from mistakes.
  4. If you want to increase your self-esteem, do something that causes fear. Only you can help you become different.
  5. Strive to be in good physical shape, or regain it if it is lost for some reason. Play sports, watch your posture, the state of your wardrobe and the smile on your face towards others. To be friendly means to remain a charismatic man who stands firmly on his own two feet.
  6. Work on yourself. Developing the best qualities in yourself is another way to boost your self-esteem.

How to stop being shy and become decisive

You can get rid of the fear of change and become confident in yourself if you follow a few simple recommendations.

Stop fussing

Vanity and haste are the companions of critical situations that do not happen so often. A confident person is endowed with other qualities: calmness, prudence. He also knows how to cope with stress.

To stop fussing, you need to set aside time to relax every day. This applies to short breaks at work (a couple of minutes) and full sleep. This way you can at least temporarily disconnect from disturbing thoughts and calm down.

Organize yourself

You can't leave any situation to chance. You must always adhere to your plan in everything. A confident man knows what to do after solving another problem

Don't panic if you need to change points in the plan. This is fine. When writing it, provide for a non-standard development of events and an algorithm of actions. Thanks to this, you will be able to avoid stress if something goes wrong.

Set yourself achievable goals

As stated above, low self-esteem and unattainable goals are closely related. The farther the goal is, the more difficult it is to achieve it, the faster you can run out of energy. Therefore, men need to set themselves only feasible tasks. This could be cooking a new recipe, learning a foreign language, skiing or snowboarding and much more.

After completing a task, praise yourself for the work you did. Remember, small goals help you achieve big ones. The result is confidence in yourself and your abilities.

Confidence is not easy: how to cope with obstacles

Raising self-esteem and developing self-confidence is not easy, because, in essence, you need to reincarnate, become a different person, and look at the world differently. The main thing that needs to be won in this case is:

  • personal fears. Try to sincerely answer the following questions: Do you easily get along with people, especially strangers? If you nod affirmatively, you definitely have phobias. As soon as you can get rid of the fear of making bad acquaintances, falling out of shame into the abyss of the unknown and simply making a mistake, you can do anything.
  • doubts. These are the so-called “cockroaches” that live in the head along with specific phobias. Stop saying: what if you don’t like me? God forbid I look stupid? What if they prefer someone different from me? Self-esteem can only be corrected by you, and no one else.
  • excuses. There is no need to reassure yourself and “feed breakfast”, live on the lead of “if only”. Do not blame circumstances and other people, do not try to justify yourself and run away from the initiative. Habitual loneliness is warm and familiar, but with it you will never be able to gain or regain lost confidence.

Practical advice

To be a confident and determined man, you need to not dwell on problems, but develop.

Realize yourself in sports

This advice is especially useful for those who are overweight and want to change their appearance.

First you need to buy a gym membership. Don't turn training into a routine. Set goals for yourself and confidently move towards achieving them. For example, you can promise yourself to complete one of the standards by a specific date. This will be a kind of incentive to work even harder. Fulfilling promises will give you joy and satisfaction from conquering yourself and will add confidence.

If for medical reasons you cannot play sports, replace it with a hobby or even work. Such achievements will also help you become more confident.

Never compare yourself to someone more successful

There are no identical people in the world. And that's a fact. Some are better, others are worse. But many people compare themselves with others. This applies to all areas: career, appearance, achievements in sports, family. As a result, some even develop depression.

A man and his confidence

A social animal is the most important characteristic of any person, given to us by the American social psychologist Elliot Aronson. And indeed, we are born, grow up and fade in society - regardless of our position in it. And it is with the social side of confidence that problems often arise. It is obvious that society sets certain ideals of male character, and possible non-compliance with these norms leads to self-doubt.

So, self-confidence - what are its basic elements?

  • self-esteem is the foundation of confidence; if your “Self” image does not suit you, then where does confidence come from?
  • self-distancing - the ability to remove yourself from a situation for a second and look at what is happening “from the balcony” in order to evaluate your actions. The inability to evaluate oneself undermines confidence in the correctness of one’s actions;
  • activity - there is none, there is no need to doubt one’s abilities. However, it is in action that we recognize ourselves and gain confidence in our abilities. A passive position leads not just to uncertainty, but generally to the absence of such a concept in life.

These are the most important, but not all, psychological roots of confidence.

But there is an important note: looking confident and being confident are not identical concepts .

Looking confident is not so difficult; there are dozens of recipes for a “solid appearance”. But how can you experience and live your own confidence? More on this below.

Trainings and courses

According to statistics, 25-30% of men have high self-esteem. 5% perceive themselves adequately. Everyone else struggles with uncertainty. Therefore, all kinds of trainings are common. Psychologists help men become more confident, increase self-esteem, and love themselves.

The main goal of the training is to teach you to see the positive sides and not notice the shortcomings. After visiting them, you will overcome your dependence on the opinions of others and will enjoy small achievements and life in general.

Thanks to the trainings, a man of any age will learn to accept himself as he is, love his body and character, choose the right circle of friends, and become self-confident.

If I weren't shy...

Sit back and close your eyes. Imagine a person or situation that constantly makes you feel shy. Don't miss any details - not a single word or gesture.

Now imagine how you would behave in this situation if you were not shy. What would you do? What would you say? How would it all end?

Awaken this positive image within yourself every day for a week.

The next time you have to actually face a similar situation, restore your positive image in your mind. And behave accordingly.

Psychologist's advice

In psychology, insecurity is defined as a negative opinion about oneself. To correct the situation, a man needs to work long and hard. Effective advice will help him change his perception of himself.

One of the recommendations concerns the comfort zone. Each man has developed his own routine and habits. Perhaps he is used to eating at night or spending his evenings watching TV with beer and chips. Or maybe he likes to sit at the computer all weekend, conquering the next virtual world.

Often a man does not change anything not because of a lack of desire. He is afraid to leave his comfort zone. But it needs to be done. To begin with, you can try to change yourself and your habits. For example, replace TV and computer games with going to the pool or gym, and night meals with reading an interesting book.

With regular training, a man will be able to leave his comfort zone and remain calm and confident outside of it. He will increase his self-esteem and change the attitude of others.

Another recommendation involves the brain. We are talking about affirmations here. These are short expressions that, when repeated frequently, form a certain image or attitude in the subconscious. They encourage action and lift your spirits. However, the main purpose is to reprogram a person, make him believe in himself.

Affirmations should only be positive. They need to be spoken regularly. Such classes will help you focus on strengths and achievements, forget failures, and become more confident.

It is noteworthy that the woman next to him plays a big role in increasing a man’s self-esteem. Psychologists recommend that female companions adhere to several rules:

  1. When talking with others, talk about a man only in a positive way.
  2. Don't compare with others.
  3. Praise for everything, even the smallest achievements. Show tenderness, smile.
  4. Create comfort around.
  5. If possible, come to terms with some shortcomings, for example, socks scattered around the apartment.

Women must remember that their perception of reality, time and logic is different from men's. Therefore, you should not criticize and humiliate a man if his view of things is different.


Make a list of your own weaknesses. Write it down on the left half of the sheet of paper. On the right, opposite each item, indicate those positive aspects that can be contrasted with the negative ones. For example:


  • No one who knows me likes me.
  • I have almost no attractive features.


  • Those who really know me treat me well.
  • I have a lot of attractive features.

Expand and justify counterarguments, find suitable examples. Start thinking about yourself in a positive way.

List of good events

Get a notebook and write down all the good things that happen to you for two weeks.

  • Make a list of pleasant events every day, then analyze it.
  • How many of these events were caused by the initiative of other people?
  • How many of them occurred on your initiative?
  • How many good events have there been?
  • What is needed for there to be more of them?

From today, whenever something good happens, do not lose sight of this event and do not deny yourself the pleasure of enjoying it.


Do you know what I like about you?

Choose the one you trust most among your friends and do this exercise with him. Write down which features of this person are most attractive to you, and have him do the same for you. (Try to keep each list to ten items.) Take turns explaining to each other why you included each item on the list. Start by saying, “What I really like about you is...”

How do you feel when your friend praises you? Learn to accept praise (at least say thank you) and enjoy the joy that compliments bring.

Learn to give compliments to your friends. Use this skill in everyday life, sparing no praise even in the most ordinary situations.

Cultivating a good attitude towards yourself

Reread the negative thoughts you recorded during the last exercise. Imagine that a loved one—your best friend or family member—says all these things about yourself.

Think about how you would respond and write those words down. Tell me what you see as good in this person, what qualities you respect. Tell him you love this person.

Showing love to others is often much easier than showing love to yourself. When you “appropriate” your thoughts to people close to you, it becomes easier for you to see the big picture and understand that saying such things to yourself is ugly, rude and generally wrong.

Get interesting

You need to develop a skill that you believe will help you engage in social interaction. You should work on at least one trait that can be positively assessed by others and bring them joy and benefit. A person who can play the guitar or piano is a welcome guest in any company. Learn to tell funny stories or perform magic tricks. It is very useful (and not at all difficult) to learn to dance, especially for men who feel insecure once they start playing the music. Stay up to date with international events and fashionable topics (problems of overpopulation, ecology, etc.). Read good books, both serious literature and bestsellers, and be prepared to discuss them.

Accepting your characteristics

Almost every person has traits that they don't like. You know perfectly well what doesn’t suit you about yourself, be it short stature, excess weight or baldness.

Make a list of these qualities and write a thank you note for each one. For example: “Thanks to my bald head for helping me spend less shampoo,” “Thanks to my height for the fact that I can fit comfortably in any car,” or “Thanks to my belly for carrying my child.”

You may not like some of your traits, but they make you who you are. The attitude towards them can be changed. And loving yourself is much more useful and pleasant than always being dissatisfied with yourself.

Role Model and Self-Esteem

Imagine someone you admire. This could be a friend or relative, or it could be a character from a movie or book. Imagine circumstances in which this person would experience shyness. What would he do? What would you say? How could you help him? What are this person's strengths?

List them:________________________________________

If you had these virtues, what kind of person would you be? How would having these traits affect your shyness? Close your eyes and imagine situations in which you do not feel shy. How do you feel about this?

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