Self-esteem: what does it mean and how to develop it in yourself

Self-esteem is a person’s internal sense of self, which has a visible manifestation in the behavioral sphere, reflected by a high assessment of one’s own social value and rights. It has a close semantic connection with self-respect, self-esteem and the concept of one’s own self, which are at a high level, but at the same time are not identical, since in these close concepts greater emphasis is placed on a person’s perception of himself, while dignity always appeals to external society.

Self-esteem in relationships (whether intimate, child-parent or work) always predetermines a decent level of human behavior and high demands on oneself and the participants in the relationship. Such requirements include calmness of dialogue and decency of actions, guidance of moral principles and showing respect even in the form of one’s appearance (by maintaining neatness). Under the apparent pressure of demands and obligations, a person full of dignity can behave much more freely than the average representative, pursuing his own desires in a virtuous way and demonstrating excellent manners and upbringing. Such people can open any door because they know and appreciate their strengths, know how to handle their weaknesses, and are able to present themselves to the world around them in a way that these qualities are valued without humiliating other people and trying to stand out by denigrating them.

Knowing the norms of behavior with you is a condition for beginning to develop a sense of self-worth, accepting or rejecting interactions from people, depending on their compliance with your internal criteria of what is possible. This category is not innate, but is formed or frozen under the influence of the external environment, from the internalization of the assessment of others (family, educators, culture), which can occur in teaching (norms, rules and human rights), conscious or unconscious suggestion (when praised or scolded child, give an assessment of his personality), when copying behavioral patterns (parental behavior, as an example, or examples from literature and cinema).

What does self-esteem mean?

If we compare CSD and self-esteem, then the second term is narrower, since it only covers a person’s opinion about himself. While the first state involves a combination of self-esteem and healthy ambitions, as well as the assessment of an external, third-party observer.

Let's analyze the signs:

• High demands on yourself. The owner of self-esteem will never ask more from others than from himself. This applies to behavior, actions, and appearance.
• Neatness. He will never allow himself to be sloppy (in clothes, in cleaning the apartment), he knows that cleaning up dirt is not shameful, it is much worse to live in it.
• Good manners towards acquaintances and strangers. It is not pretentious or ostentatious, but comes as a matter of course.
• Awareness of one's own boundaries. He does not perceive intrusion into the boundaries of the “I”, unsolicited advice, criticism, because he clearly evaluates his person.
• There is no pride, that is, he does not show himself off, comparing himself with less successful ones, and does not self-actualize at the expense of others. He can be proud, but only of real achievements. At the same time, he is not inclined to exceed his merits or extol them - only an objective assessment of achievements.
• There is no selfishness - a person does not violate other people’s rights, boundaries, interests, does not put them to the detriment of his own, because he values ​​other people.
• Self-respect, he values ​​his time and energy, understands why he himself and others can respect him.
• Comparison is not with weaker or stronger ones, but with oneself “yesterday”, “today” and “tomorrow”. Such a person does not focus on well-known biographies, their successes and failures, as well as on loved ones and examples in the family. He does not strive to become better than mom or dad, but only to develop and grow every day in relation to his previous achievements.
• Reaches a successful end in any endeavor he embarks on. A person does not scatter himself over several tasks, being sure that this is beyond his strength, but immediately takes on tasks that he is guaranteed to successfully complete.
• Inner peace - there is no place for involuntary depression and spontaneous hysterics.
• Reliability. Every given word and promise will be fulfilled. These are the people that friends and family call when they are in trouble because they are confident in him.
• A confident position in front of those who are stronger (older, higher in status, richer), and decent behavior with those who are weaker.
• Composure. In any difficult, exciting and unforeseen situation, even if doubts and worries creep into the soul, a person with CSD can take control of himself and the situation.
• The leader, not the follower. He will not follow the lead of the crowd, will be guided by a single opinion and will not report to it.
• Responsibility for actions, words, thoughts. There is no need to shift blame or responsibility to another.

People nearby automatically treat you with respect and do not dare to be rude, insult, or belittle your personality. They are imbued with trust, partly it comes from within - from self-esteem.

Psychologist Daria Milai

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Components of self-esteem

The structure of self-esteem includes the following elements:

1. Self-concept, that is, a person’s idea of ​​himself and his place in society. A person’s attitude towards himself, his emotional background, as well as his idea of ​​his capabilities and understanding of his desires depend on the self-concept.
2. System of knowledge, skills and abilities (professional and life). When a person confidently and successfully completes something, he receives pleasure and satisfaction from both the process and the result.
3. Relations with society. Self-respect comes from respect from other people, and self-acceptance comes from acceptance. True, the opposite is true: if a person respects himself, then he will not interact with those who do not respect him.

Important! Self-esteem consists of adequate self-esteem, knowledge and awareness of your own competence (you know that you are the best in something), harmonious relationships.

Why self-worth is important

This character trait helps both in personal life and in career and social activities. It can be developed in childhood or adulthood. The main ways for parents to become CSD are encouragement, teaching independence, the habit of evaluating the child’s actions and voicing what they lead to - both good and bad, as well as teaching them to take responsibility for their own actions. An adult can develop independently in the same way, let’s list why:

• To become a leader who is respected. They follow the leader, listen to the point of view, listen to advice.
• Avoid becoming a victim - the behavior of someone who is constantly offended and humiliated leads to failures in his personal life and at work. The initial attitude of defeat leads to real failures - others begin to ignore or humiliate, “harass” the psychologically sacrificial type of people. Women of this type often marry a husband prone to domestic violence or a despotic, totalitarian man.
• See successes first, not failures. Bad times happen to everyone, but you shouldn’t dwell on failures. Such a pessimistic view leads to real mistakes and problems - there are more of them, the burden puts pressure on a person who can break. A developed sense of self-worth leads to an optimistic approach to life.

People around you often treat people who don’t respect themselves poorly. They see uncertainty, subconsciously believing that it is justified.

Let's give an example: a woman with a low NRR, when applying for a job, says that she has little experience, shyly lists her places of activity, talks about the reasons for her dismissal, and shows her experiences. The result is that the head of the HR department believes that the candidate is incompetent and is not interested in the position.

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The second one has good self-esteem and self-confidence. She shows right from the start that she is confident in the successful performance of her duties, even if she has no experience, notes her positive qualities and does not allow her to doubt her capabilities. Even if the first applicant was more educated and competent, had more experience, with a 99% probability they will choose the second.

We conclude: CSD is what makes the people around you treat you with respect from the very beginning, and makes you yourself have goals, not be afraid to achieve them, and not be upset over mistakes, but only draw conclusions.

Process steps

When understanding the issue of motivation, you should pay attention to its stages:

1. The emergence of a need;
2. Choosing ways to satisfy the need;
3. Setting a goal, choosing ways to achieve it;
4. Action;
5. Success or failure;
6. Closing the need - if successful; retry (with changed action) - if unsuccessful.

When it helps

I have already noted that this is not some narrow competence that is needed only at a specific moment. This is a life position that is always involved. Self-worth does not turn on and off, it simply is. This is an innate feature that is accessible to some and not to others; on the contrary, everyone can get good self-esteem. If you are having difficulty with this, have lost faith in yourself, or have felt like a victim rather than a leader since early childhood, I recommend signing up for my consultation.

I will list life situations and areas of life where it is necessary to have self-esteem:

• Romantic relationships and marriage. A woman's self-worth helps attract men who are confident in themselves. Usually, next to a strong and purposeful lady, you will rarely find a man who is able to raise his hand or who likes to drink - such guys themselves have very low self-esteem, which means they are simply afraid to approach a lady who, based on her ability to hold herself, is head and shoulders above them. Therefore, next to you will be a life partner who is not afraid of new achievements, is ready to improve himself and supports you in your endeavors. Men who are next to a girl with a low FSD often consciously or subconsciously try to limit the scope of women's accomplishments and achievements. It often looks like this: the husband builds a career, develops, goes to the gym and makes business acquaintances, while the wife stays at home with the children and confines herself to everyday life. If you do not want to become a victim in a relationship, but want to be partners, equal individuals who are not “subordinate,” you should spend more time developing yourself and your sense of self-worth.
• Family, raising children. The younger generation looks to their parents, wanting to find role models. Confidence is a trait that completely helps to gain the respect of the weaker, and a child up to a certain age is a priori weaker than an adult. If your son/daughter does not find such an example or authority in you, he will look among those around him. It’s good if this is a teacher or father of the family, but it could be a “bad guy” from the senior class who does not suffer from low self-esteem. Only a strong and self-confident person can really raise children correctly, instill in them good manners and habits , share with them an interest in sports, studies, and art.
• Career. We have already given an example with two applicants. It follows from it that understanding the value of one’s personality, one’s own successes, and achievements is an important quality when applying for a job, as well as when negotiating, communicating with superiors, and building business connections. An employee who lacks self-confidence is first on the list for dismissal, as well as overtime, unpaid sick leave and no promotion. CHSD will help you climb the career ladder, get a position that matches your competence, as well as develop and improve yourself in order to achieve more every year.
• Friendship and camaraderie. Any communication (interpersonal, business) can occur according to two patterns: “equal to equal” or “subordinate to superior.” These schemes work in any situation. Scandalous behavior is one of the signs of low self-esteem.

This is an incomplete list of situations from areas of life when self-esteem will help. It is always important, every minute. You should wake up in the morning with the thought that you are a significant and irreplaceable part of the family and company.

Algorithm - part 1

• 1. Clarity and attractiveness. For this exercise, you will need a piece of paper and a pen. Not all people have a vivid imagination. It may be easy to imagine your goal in all the smallest details, but keeping its image in memory is problematic. That's why you need to write it down.
• When working on a goal description, you should adhere to rules, for example, write in the present tense, as if what you want is already happening to you; describe all details; clearly imagine and write down what you feel while going towards the goal, all the emotions, especially those that will be at the exit, at the end of the journey. By the way, this exercise will fill you with inspiration, inspire you and give you energy to implement your plans. When your motivation is aligned with your goal, the Universe itself will open up additional resources for you.
• 2. Arguments to the goal. All the justifications thought out and written in the exercise above are your motivators. This means the more reasons, the clearer the goal.
• 3. Visualization. Dream collage. This method is actively used in all areas related to self-improvement and realization. What is a dream collage? This is your goal or dream. It’s not enough to imagine everything in your head or on paper, you need to see where you’re going. This is what collages are made for. It consists of newspaper or magazine clippings. Think about what you want? Find relevant illustrations, cut them out, stick them on the board and hang them in a visible place. Looking at the board every day, visualize it, imagine it as yours. This collage will be a powerful motivator.
• 4. Negativity for good. A writing exercise that will give you new strength to achieve your goal. It's simple, on paper, you answer the questions: what will happen to you if you fail? What emotions will you experience? There should be at least twenty similar questions. Use the described negative consequences as an impetus to new victories.

Risks of inadequate heart rate

Without developing this quality, a person can get:

• lack of confidence in one's actions;
• shame for your words;
• susceptibility to manipulation by others;
• depressive moods;
• low social status;
• low ambitions, and at the same time – a complete lack of aspirations and achievements.

This psychological pathology (and this is undoubtedly a big mistake when raising a child) leads to dissonance in every area of ​​life, and at the same time to a constant bad mood and negative thinking.

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Signs of a lack of self-respect

Signs of lack of self-esteem:

• lack of trust in yourself and others;
• problems with decision making;
• doubts about the importance and necessity of what a person does;
• diffidence;
• a feeling of being unloved and a sense of hostility in the world;
• chronic feeling of loneliness;
• uncertainty in life.

A person without self-respect withdraws into himself, is afraid to meet people and open up to them. He feels unhappy and therefore becomes irritable and aggressive.

Personal dignity of a man

This characteristic of a representative of the stronger sex is inherent in those who know their place in life; most likely, they have already found their path, including a career, or are actively searching. This is a person who sensibly evaluates his pros and cons, and does not seek constant approval. I will list the characteristic features:

• Doesn’t do things for the sake of other people’s opinions or their consent.
• Does not insult others, elevating himself in comparison.
• He defends his position.
• Sets goals and achieves them.
• Has an individual personality.
• He is not afraid of mistakes, but finds experience in them, and no longer repeats mistakes.
• Always maintains composure and does not show negative emotions.

Levels

In psychology, it is customary to distinguish three levels of self-esteem:

1. High level. A person is more focused on his own value system than on external assessment. He always makes his own decisions and has a clear system of priorities and beliefs. He knows what he wants from life and accepts himself, knows how to admit mistakes and work on them.
2. Average level. A person is largely guided by the opinion of the majority. For example, he respects himself only if he has a stable job with an official salary. He cannot give up everything and go to conquer the world and realize his dream. It will probably be difficult for him to settle down even as a freelancer. In choosing clothes or entertainment, he also often follows the majority and fashion.
3. Low level. Such a person does not know what he wants from life. He is used to sacrificing himself and shifting responsibility for his life to other people. He does not notice opportunities for growth and change in life, he goes with the flow. He is afraid of criticism and public condemnation, so he prefers to do nothing.

Interesting! In psychology, there is a special test for determining self-esteem - the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale. To determine your level of self-esteem you need to answer only 10 questions.

Personal dignity of a woman

This feeling can be compared to inner harmony - the girl begins to listen to her own desires, sees her strengths and weaknesses, develops the former and eliminates the latter. Character traits:

• He takes care of his own body - not to meet “standards”, but to maintain health and contentment with his reflection.
• Allows you to take care of yourself - gratefully accepts compliments and gifts, does not strive to do everything yourself, gives a man the right to perform “male” duties.
• She does not ask for love, but only gives reasons to be loved. Never “runs” after a young man.
• She skillfully shares home problems and joys with work moments, never prefers one to the complete detriment of the other, finds compromises, remains a good employee and a loving mother and wife.

Wish

• The desire to get up in the morning with joy. Another example: A young man, having graduated from school, sets himself the goal of becoming a criminologist. To do this, he enters the law faculty of the university he needs.

The desire to become an excellent specialist pushes the young man to study additional materials from books, films and interviews. Such inspiration helps him achieve his goal.

Thus, all strength and energy are directed in the right direction, he is inspired by the path itself, so every morning is not painful torture, but a powerful motivation for 24 new hours, bringing him closer to his goal.

Another example: The average ordinary manager, with no or weak motivation, every morning forcibly drags himself out of his warm bed and forces himself to go to work.

As a result, such a person’s goal becomes to survive until the weekend. Larger goals are doomed to failure, because the internal struggle with oneself and the external problems that have piled up causes stress in a person. The result: abandonment of the goal.

How to develop self-esteem

This trait is laid down and formed in childhood. From an early age, parents teach to be responsible for their actions, independent and purposeful, and also praise for achievements and are proud of their child.

It happens that reproaches, words of disappointment, a symptom of learned helplessness lead to low self-esteem in adulthood. Then you need to relearn self-respect. In childhood, CSD develops:

• praise for good deeds, acquired skills, but not commendable rewards for every step;
• encouragement of aspirations and assistance in achieving goals;
• teaching responsibility for wrongdoing.

How to recover

Sometimes there are moments when you completely lose faith in yourself - after a streak of failures in your personal life or work. To regain your former self-confidence, I recommend:

• Improve physical fitness and gain new knowledge, improve yourself. Sign up for yoga and cooking classes, find a good book, go get additional education.
• Achieve goals. Have you always wanted to become a clothing designer? Take courses, master the rules of sewing and finally get your sewing machine out of the attic!
• Know the norms of behavior in society and rights, laws.

Brian Tracy - goal building algorithm

1. Making a list of goals. Here you need to enter your goals that you want to achieve, as well as your cherished desires. Your list can have an unlimited number of items. Next, you should put a date next to each written goal. This will be the end point, the deadline for achieving the goal.
2. Prioritization. To do this, you need to select one or several of the most important goals from the list. These are the goals whose achievement will radically change your destiny. As a rule, they are larger in scale and require more time, effort and patience to implement.

Outline them with a marker, preferably bright, so that the color catches the eye. Give goals serial numbers. No. 1 is the main goal, then in order of importance and deadline. The main goal or goals require daily steps (actions) from a person. Secondary goals depend on the main ones.

3. Conditions. Think and write a list of things that will help you achieve your goal. Choose the most important points and complete them every day.

4. Aspiration, enhances motivation. Motives are the driving force. Answer yourself the question: “Why do I need all these goals?” The answer will certainly affect the speed of achieving what you want.

Ways to improve motivation

1. Track your progress.

Watch what you do and carefully take notes on every step you take. For example, if you decide to take care of your body, improve its shape, mark each exercise you do, highlight more complex movements, put exclamation marks when you have achieved some growth in this. Reward yourself.

Track your results, note that you do not stand in one place and the shifts, although not always colossal, are there. If moments of apathy occur, simply go back to the beginning of your notes and cheer yourself up.

1. Look for new ideas.

Try new ways, arrange stressful situations for yourself, think associatively, impulsively, load your brain with a search for meaning and ideas. Ask for help from friends and family, find incentive and your motivation will be unshakable.

1. Reward yourself.

Allow yourself to relax after a long day of work, allow yourself a delicious dessert in return for spending time on a difficult article or report. Praise yourself. You did it, you deserve it. The reward is a consequence of a good result, don’t forget about it. This will serve as good motivation in the future.

1. Stress method.

Some stress methods can also serve as good motivators. Bet with a friend that you can do this job in a certain period of time for a lot of money. Self-esteem will make you get up and do it. And with the winnings you will be able to buy yourself something new or invite a friend to a cafe. Buy your wife an expensive fur coat on credit. To get your money back, you will have to leave your “comfort zone,” flex your brains and get to work. Such “kicks” and circumstances will help you in a short time to get together, find incentive and get off the ground.

1. Make yourself a collage of motivational pictures.

This technique will constantly remind you of a good life, a desired item or status that you want to acquire.

1. Listen to positive and active music.

Music has the ability not only to relax, but also to motivate and saturate with energy. Tune into your work rhythm with the help of percussion music, your favorite artist or band.

1. Ask yourself the right questions.

There comes a moment of giving up and apathy. When you notice this, try to ask yourself questions: “What will this or that action lead to,” “Am I doing what?” The answers to these questions are also stimulating.

1. Remind yourself of the purpose for which you started the action.

Constantly returning to the main goal will help you get into the right frame of mind. Even if you are depriving yourself of delicious smelling fried potatoes now, think about how slim your body will be in a few months. You are tired and tired of working, think about your upcoming salary and possible bonus.

How will you motivate yourself? Let your Soul decide this, trust it! Let go of your thinking and let your intuition guide you!

Learn to separate your Goal from the responsibility imposed on you. Try to separate the usual platitudes from what is truly important to you. This will help you get properly motivated.