How to get rid of complexes and become more confident: where do they come from, increasing self-esteem

Invisible limits that prevent you from living a full life, a distorted view of your shortcomings and experiences hidden deep inside are psychological complexes. They deal a crushing blow to self-esteem and become fetters on the legs, preventing progress towards the goal. A person who underestimates himself cannot become successful.

How to get rid of complexes

From the victim complex

As a rule, all complexes originate in childhood. Some careless word, a hint, a joke about something painful, or criticism sometimes leads to irreversible consequences. Why irreversible? Because a person begins to believe that he is not like that, cannot respect himself and live in harmony with himself. Because then he perceives an impudent and parasitic attitude towards himself as the norm...

So, next we talk about whether it is possible to get rid of the victim complex. Let's start by defining what it is. They say you need to know your enemy by sight!

The victim complex is a person’s idea that all the troubles in his life are due to external circumstances. The porridge burned - the stove was bad, things didn’t work out at work with the team - Masha talked everyone into it, there were problems with her wife - she’s a bitch, she could have kept quiet for once. There is such a well-known saying, probably invented by a person who is inclined to abdicate responsibility: “We are not like this - life is like this.”

Let’s say you recognize yourself in the description, 10 years ago I would also have seen the similarities... Read below what to do now with this victim complex and how to get rid of it for women and men.

Step 1. Stop feeling sorry for yourself publicly! Literally close your mouth if you want to dedicate your surroundings to your failure and life losses. Otherwise, you will alienate people who want to be friends with you. And this, in turn, will lead to a new story about how unlucky you are with your friends...

Step 2. Try to understand why you constantly feel sorry for yourself. Why do you think that others are to blame for your troubles? This is often due to beliefs ingrained in childhood. Analyze what dictates this behavior to you.

Step 3. Your decision to take responsibility for everything that happens in life will help you gradually increase your self-esteem and become a confident person. It's very difficult at first. You will constantly “slide” into the area of self-pity and blaming others. But it’s okay, be patient, still set yourself up for responsibility. It is you who are responsible for your life. And it is you who can start a new life and change yourself!

Step 4. Say “stop” in time. Sometimes you need to categorically stop everything that is happening and make an important decision. At one time I was captivated by walking in circles: the same thing, the same experiences. But one day she said “stop!” and began to look for other ways to discharge negative emotions. What is the danger of walking in circles? You can spend your whole life worrying about one problem.

And you should brush aside negative thoughts, make it a rule to think about something good every day, to create continuous positive emotions around you. It works!

Step 5. Look at your environment, it is not to blame for your troubles, but it indirectly affects you. If there are people who don’t love you, who want you harm, it doesn’t matter anymore. Pay attention to those who truly love you, who bring sparks of brightness and warmth into your life, who are a reliable support for you.

Step 6. The martyr complex goes away when you realize that you are what you fill yourself with. All music, TV shows, films, books shape you as a person and determine your activities and goals.

Step 7: Be grateful! Every morning, when you wake up, be filled with a feeling of gratitude for the fact that you got up, the house, the food, the job, for everything that you have. Gratitude works wonders. A grateful person sparkles and charges everyone around with positivity. You no longer want to be a victim if you are grateful and take responsibility for your life!

What is important to understand

Before we move on to practical recommendations, it is necessary to clarify some points. Understanding the most important factors and features allows you to approach the issue realistically and fully armed, as well as protect yourself from unjustified expectations and disappointments.

Firstly, the complex is a set of psycho-emotional experiences, fears, internal conflicts, prohibitions and suppressed childhood emotions associated with some central element. Around this core a complex of emotions, feelings, interpretations and conclusions is built, forming a certain behavioral mechanism. This is a rather complex structure and it lies deep in the subconscious, and therefore many of its elements, and often the core itself, may be completely unconscious.

This means that such a problem cannot be solved at once, and if from the outside the complex seems ridiculous and easily overcome, then it is more reasonable to take the whole picture into account. Just motivational pushes: “Don’t worry! You will succeed!” or willpower in the long run will not achieve lasting positive results. In overcoming psychological complexes, you need a systematic approach, perseverance and patience. You need to tune in to fairly long-term work, in which there will be no sudden ups and downs and quick results. We will reconfigure our brain to think and perceive ourselves differently, change long-rooted neural networks, adjust habitual emotional patterns and build in new habits and behavior patterns that are unusual for us. However, the reward for this is inner freedom and strength, and it’s worth it.

Let us now proceed to a program of action to achieve this lofty goal. We will give general recommendations that can always be supplemented with something of your own and modified to suit yourself. Look for your private keys - those elements and “chips” that will be especially effective for you.

From an inferiority complex

An inferiority complex is a distorted self-image that is dictated by someone else's opinion. If you start to believe that you are a nonentity, worthless, unachieved with a terrible appearance, then... this is, to put it mildly, BAD.

When the topic of getting rid of an inferiority complex begins, the same words are always heard: “Love yourself.” And this is indeed correct advice, but telling this to a person with feelings of inferiority is like talking to a wall. He would be happy to love himself, but HOW? Therefore, we will analyze in detail what you need to do to finally feel like a respected person.

A developed inferiority complex is the result of the imposed opinions of others. Therefore, to get rid of it, you need to hear the opposite opinion. And, not only that, look for confirmation of positive words. We are designed in such a way that we are more willing to believe the bad, but the good requires proof. This is why it is extremely difficult to get rid of an inferiority complex. You will stop having complexes if you see the other side, the view on the situation: not a spender, but a generous one, not big ears, but a person who is good at picking up sounds, not talkative, but sociable. Regarding appearance, it’s difficult, sometimes you need the help of a psychologist, but you can overcome insecurities on your own.
Start respecting yourself. So many problems can be avoided if you define your boundaries in advance. For example, someone says: “You are a sheep, where are you going?” And you calmly answer that you are not a sheep and went there for such and such a reason. You can learn how to respond correctly to insults in this article. No one will eat you if you immediately refute the attitude that they are trying to impose on you. You do this not even for others, but first of all for yourself. When they tell you that you can't do anything, list your skills out loud. It may look ridiculous at first glance, but you will believe in your words and charge yourself with a positive attitude towards yourself.
Learn to overcome the fear of failure. The dog is buried deep here, but it is important for you to believe and convince yourself that all people are different. There are no equally ideal appearances, there are no equally talented people. And if something doesn’t work out for you, it means it will work out in another area. Fear of failure fetters you and prevents you from developing and believing in yourself. Look at things soberly: absolutely everyone has failures. Everything can be perfect only after death, and the difference between the losers and the successful is precisely in the reaction to the result obtained. Some people do it many times until they get good results, while others give up after the first problem.
Think positively. I write this phrase in many articles. But this is important! It is positive thinking that gives a person the strength to move on; it is gratitude to God, fate, His Majesty chance (depending on what you believe in) that helps a person to believe in his strength and achieve his goals no matter what!

Once again I want to remind you that an inferiority complex is other people’s opinion about you. And who can know you better than yourself? That's right, NOBODY! Therefore, do not let others dictate what you should do or how you should perceive yourself.

What to do if you have a telltale scar or hated sides above the waistband of your skirt? I’ll tell you a little secret: all ideas about beauty are also inspired by other people who make a lot of money from it.

Who benefits from the fact that you accept yourself as you are and don’t run to get your nose fixed by a plastic surgeon? Who can accept the fact that you won’t buy dietary supplements for weight loss, follow fashion, visit gyms and use diets, hire nutritionists, etc. I’m not saying that this is bad. If you use everything simply for health, then it’s good. And if you suffer from this, it will destroy your personality.

Examples to follow

You will be supported on this path by real examples of people who managed to gain inner freedom and confidence. Find role models for yourself, real characters who managed to overcome internal limitations and become liberated, living in harmony with themselves and following their desires. Let these be people of the same sex as you, who are similar to you in some way (for example, details of their personal history and the presence of complexes in the past).

Again, it is important that these characters respond to you and include you. There are no presets or correct answers here. For example, Oprah Winfrey can be admired by millions of people and set an example for everyone, but if she leaves you indifferent, this is not your option. Perhaps you are closer to some little-known YouTube blogger, whom you endlessly admire for her naturalness and originality of thinking. Find the personality that will give you the energy boost to grow.

Here it is worth explaining that simply contemplating photos of successful people and watching videos of those who made themselves, you cannot become as successful and famous. However, in this way we engage a psychological mechanism of identification, in which we semi-consciously begin to adopt the traits and characteristics of those with whom we want to associate ourselves. Identification is not always useful, sometimes it is a defense mechanism, but in this case we consciously chose a worthy example for ourselves, and therefore such identification is positive and adaptive.

To consolidate the positive effect, create conditions where you will regularly encounter the object of identification (your inspiring example): watch a video, listen to an interview with this person, place his photo where your gaze will often fall on him, communicate with him, if there is one opportunity.

How to stop having complexes in bed

The intimate sphere is called “intimate”, since it refers to the most intimate of a person - his body and soul. Some, of course, push their soul into a far corner, but, you must admit, when you are naked and they laugh at you or betray you, it hurts painfully. This means that the soul is still indirectly affected in sexual relations.

There are many complexes in sex that prevent a person from living freely. This applies to physical characteristics and various feelings that arise after psychological trauma on this basis.

A couple has a complex in bed.
This is where the complex of small breasts and other genital organs, victim complexes and other problems in this area appear.

After sex, sometimes there is a feeling of guilt, dissatisfaction with oneself, a feeling of dissatisfaction. Women worry about their appearance, men worry about their physical characteristics and erection success. But the intimate sphere is therefore intimate, because sexual complexes have no place here. If they exist, they will also manifest themselves physically: insufficient secretion of hormones, disruption of the satisfaction process.

You need to get rid of them immediately. Ask yourself: do you trust your partner? The psychology of men and women is structured differently. Men are less likely to experience feelings of inferiority - only if they are laughed at or they love a woman very much, then their vulnerability goes off scale. Women need to provide maximum conditions for intimacy, otherwise there will be complexes!

So, getting rid of insecurities in bed is based on trust and love. Never discuss the size of your partner’s genitals or compare all the characters in your novel. Praise each other and encourage each other to be relaxed, bring romance into your relationships and support and take care of each other in everyday life, then your intimate sphere will be at its best.

Internal supports

Having set foot on the path of liberation from the clamps and complexes that suppress our individuality, it is worth building internal supports and sources of strength. What our new, healthier self-esteem and positive attitude towards ourselves will be based on. In this matter, we can use the following strategy - to praise ourselves and notice all our successes and positive qualities. We make it a habit every day to find something to cheer and encourage ourselves for, say kind words to ourselves, rejoice at our achievements and allow ourselves to enjoy them.

Despite its apparent simplicity, it works well. We are gradually strengthening those neural networks that are responsible for self-perception as a successful, talented, confident person, for the fact that we deserve both our success and praise and encouragement for them. At the same time, those neural pathways along which habitual thoughts about oneself as an insignificant, incapable or weak being previously “ran” weaken and give way to new ones.

Here are some things that are helpful to practice in this regard:

Success Diary

Having gained more fame and popularity in recent years, the Success Diary helps us focus on what we are doing and our strengths. It needs to be carried out regularly, over several months, daily recording on paper all positive achievements and successes, no matter how small they may seem. Even if there are doubts whether this example can be classified as success, it is worth writing it down as such, because if it comes to mind, it means there is something of success in it!

It is very important to keep your diary not mechanically, “for show,” but with pleasure, savoring each of your achievements and breakthroughs, entering the state of “I was able to do it, I am a winner!” Thus, we give ourselves hormonal fuel, stimulating the release of dopamine, and this hormone plays an important role in motivation and achieving goals. By showing our brain how nice it is to enjoy the fruits of our success, getting our dose of dopamine, we give it reasons to move towards new heights and the next victory.

Call yourself what you want to see yourself as

We exclude from our speech any words and epithets that describe you in a negative way: “I’m so clumsy,” “I’m too fat,” “This could only happen to such an unlucky person like me,” and similar self-programming. We remember that what we water will grow, and we begin to call ourselves who and how we see ourselves, to affirm what we want to see in our lives.

This can feel very strange and unnatural at first and can cause understandable resistance. Without succumbing to this, we methodically accustom our brain to new ideas and descriptions of ourselves: “I am quite dexterous and skillful, I did this and that!”, “I am attractive at my weight. I can get thinner if I want”, “This happens to everyone. I'm usually lucky." There is no need to distort reality and inflate what you want to the point of absurdity, which neither your conscious nor unconscious mind will believe: “I am the most talented person in the world!”, “I am more beautiful, slimmer and sexier than everyone else!”

Use the power of the mirror to your advantage

From time immemorial, a mirror has been considered a magical object with special mystical properties. In fact, it can be so if we understand that when we look into our own eyes, we fall into a slight trance, that is, a slightly altered state of consciousness. With it, the control of consciousness is weakened, and the person is more receptive and open to interaction with his own unconscious. During the day we experience trance many times: each time we deeply relax, the frequency of brain waves sharply decreases, and we become completely immersed in something, for example, withdrawing into ourselves, daydreaming, during meditation or in the heat of passion for a game or creativity .

Another interesting scientific fact. Italian psychologist Giovanni Caputo conducted an experiment in 2010, where he asked 50 volunteers to look at themselves in a mirror in a dark room for 10 minutes. In less than a minute, the participants began to see their faces distorted: they saw either their own features disfigured, or someone else’s face, or even an animal or fantastic appearance. [Giovanni B Caputo, Strange-face-in-the-mirror illusion, 2010]

Caputo repeated the experiment in 2021, where instead of a mirror he used people with 20 volunteers looking directly into the eyes. The duration and light conditions of the experiment were the same, and the results were similar - about 90% of the subjects began to see strange faces and distortions.

The conclusion that arises from this is that we should not underestimate the effect that such a simple activity as looking at ourselves in the mirror, especially looking into our eyes, has on our perception and mental state. You should approach this consciously and responsibly, allowing yourself only positive assessments, kind words and beneficial self-hypnosis. You can hang on the mirror those positive things that you will now tell yourself when you look into your eyes.

From a guilt complex

A guilt complex is a bad feeling. It destroys a person from two sides: from the outside (someone may blame) and from the inside (the person himself “eats” himself). Therefore, when it occurs, you need to get rid of it urgently.

You may be artificially driven into this feeling. Toxic people, manipulators who want to constantly control you, will deliberately put pressure on you, highlight your mistakes in order to poke your nose into the situation so that you don’t decide to decide something on your own.

I emphasize again, this is a destructive feeling. The faster you free yourself from it, the easier it will be for you to start new relationships and live in a new way.

We are getting rid of this complex gradually. The next time you make a mistake, realize that all people can make mistakes. And that's life. Those who do not live do not make mistakes.
Always leave yourself some room for analysis. Don't make decisions rashly. In a specific situation that makes you feel guilty, determine whether it is imposed guilt or real. If it’s real, see point one, talk to the person you’re guilty of.
If you feel guilty at work or somewhere in your home, it is better to suffer some kind of punishment (administrative or pay a fine) in order to take responsibility for this situation.
Accept yourself for who you are. Tell yourself that you may have strengths and weaknesses and that this is normal. It is also normal and good to work on yourself if some shortcoming does not suit you. You just need to not blame yourself for this, but work on yourself.
Don't make excuses to those who want to manipulate you. As soon as you start making excuses, you admit your guilt. The conversation needs to be built on equal terms, demanding facts to prove your guilt or providing arguments against “attacks”.

New Behaviors

Now is the time to start teaching yourself new behaviors that are more effective and varied. Since they are new and unfamiliar, they can be difficult to walk at first and cause discomfort and resistance. However, they are necessary if we want to live in a new way and correspond to a new resourceful image of ourselves.

Again, the first step is to clarify exactly how we want to act in specific situations. For example, “if earlier I was shy and looked for flaws in my appearance, noticing how beautiful others looked, now I want to feel calm in the presence of attractive women, notice their beauty, compliment them and at the same time remain satisfied with myself.” First we need to formulate the goal verbally, then we need to clarify how we will live it.

We imagine this social situation and ourselves in it. We see ourselves calm, confident, satisfied with ourselves, feeling comfortable and good. With this feeling we play out a situation where we look at other women, admire their beauty, calmly notice the signs of attention, maintaining our calm and harmonious feeling, and at the same time feel attractive. It is important to feel what it’s like, to live this situation differently, not as before, but from a position of self-confidence, harmony and strength (as you yourself understand, you need to work specifically with your situation, we just gave an example).

If everything went well, a new understanding or insight may emerge. In any case, we have “rehearsed” a new course of action, a new model of behavior. Since for the brain there is no difference between what is imagined and what is happening in reality (with such a “living” fantasy), we have added a successful example to our personal experience. The more often we play and practice new methods, the more natural they will become for us. And of course, confirm them in real life!

From the excellent student complex

“A” students or perfectionists will always express their worries and nagging. Such people will always do everything to the maximum in order to earn the approval of people of higher rank and position.

Such people are critical of others, especially of themselves, they are always either “ideal” or “everything is bad”, they do not tolerate “non-standard”. Constantly striving for perfection can lead to burnout.

So, how to get rid of this excellent student complex so as not to completely destroy your relationships with others?

Recognize that you are human, give yourself the opportunity to make mistakes sometimes.
Try to bring something new into your life, organize your leisure time, play sports.
Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.
Change your hairstyle, clothes, bring some chaos into your life.

From the good girl complex

Good girls always try to please everyone they care about. Such “girls” are convenient for everyone except themselves.

How to overcome the “good girl” that is convenient for everyone, but extremely inconvenient for yourself?

When someone makes you a decent or not-so-decent offer, before you accept, ask yourself, will it be good for you? Think about whether you are being used or whether you are striving for such a step.
Convince yourself that you don't have to please everyone. You are not the $100 that makes everyone happy. Remind yourself of this especially when you are unhappy.
Get rid of obsessive thoughts that you owe something to someone. If you don’t know how to refuse, it’s time to learn; if your self-esteem is low, increase it. Develop and change your life for the better.
Sometimes treat yourself to some shopping or travel. Treat yourself to an unplanned vacation: go to the park, eat ice cream, drink a cup of coffee in a cozy cafe, visit a movie theater.

Find out the reason

Do you know how you developed complexes? It seems to you that others do not like your character or appearance. It seems that representatives of the opposite sex are completely indifferent and do not even look in your direction. Management seems to constantly find fault with your work. Do you understand what the key word is? That's right - it seems! There can be a great many indirect reasons, but the main one is that only you are to blame for your complexes. Low self-esteem, self-doubt, suspiciousness, suspicion - these are the qualities of your character that are the basis for the appearance of complexes. Therefore, in order to get rid of complexes, you need to change yourself.

From the complexes of your body

A lot is said about external data and its non-acceptance, especially by teenagers. In the life of every person, puberty occurs, when the growth of organs is uneven and hormones are in full swing, which entails the formation of a complex figure.

The body complex arises from a child’s need for unconditional love. But some are compared, while others are ignored.

As adults, we are constantly faced with imposed beauty, edited in Photoshop. Because of this imposition, a complex of being tall, plump, or having a big nose arises.

All these problems can be solved. You need to get ready to work on yourself - if you can influence the reduction of your stomach and sides, do so! And there is no need to be complex. Take care of yourself, develop your brain and do fitness exercises, devote time to relaxation and cosmetic procedures, live a vibrant life, travel. You'll see, you'll have less complexes.

Remember! People perceive you holistically: they form an image of your physical, moral characteristics with arms and legs of your length and your facial features. And they either like you, or not, or are completely indifferent - such is life. It is you who see yourself as separate parts, which are sometimes small, sometimes large, sometimes not. Only you have the right to evaluate your strengths and weaknesses!

Value your individuality

You shouldn’t make mountains out of molehills and exaggerate your shortcomings. If you have a complex about your lips, you want them to be like Jolie’s - you should imagine Julia Roberts with such lips. It looks vulgar, because for girls with neat, small facial features, plump lips will not do any good, but will only spoil them.

You must be able to adequately assess your appearance. For example, Kim Kardashian's butt is not suitable for women with an asthenic body type. What looks beautiful on one person may ruin another. Standards of beauty are changing; perhaps, over time, natural lips and neat breasts will come into fashion.

From the complex of an unloved child

The complex of a disliked child appears in women from childhood. When a girl didn’t feel love, care, acceptance. In those rare moments when they paid attention to her, she was happy. And such a girl grows up, not believing in her strength, in her beauty, in her need. This complex is often found in men as well.

Such people often have difficult relationships with partners. Some expect emotions, others - sincere feelings, and others - benefits. But as a rule, they do not get what they want, because they live in an illusory world, trying to be satisfied with rare moments of care and attention. This condition can sooner or later lead to depression, and it is not easy to get rid of it. What to do?

Ideally, go to a psychologist. Recognize the problem and love yourself.

Sorry parents. I can tell you from experience that this is not easy for many people to do. There are special psychological techniques for this. If your parents are alive, talk to them about how much you missed their love. If they are no longer there, write a letter expressing all your emotions.
Try to show love and care for your loved ones. Love is an amazing feeling - the more we give it, the more we are filled with it.
Develop - filling your life with bright emotions always has a beneficial effect on getting rid of complexes.

Other effective ways to overcome complexes

Complexes prevent a person from living and enjoying life. No one will live your life for you, so let's get rid of them today! Let's start small - there are many books on how to get rid of complexes:

It is written easily and practically in Arianna Huffington’s book “How to get rid of complexes in love, at work and in life” (paper version at labirint.ru).
Wayne Dyer’s wonderful book “How to get rid of the victim complex” (electronic version on liters | paper version on labirint.ru).
Louise Hay’s book “The Big Book of Wish Fulfillment” will help you get rid of the poverty complex (electronic version on liters | paper version on labirint.ru).
And here many women will find themselves - Anna Shekhova “Cinderella Syndrome - how to get rid of the good girl complex” (electronic version on liters | paper version on labirint.ru).

In this video you will learn another view on getting rid of an inferiority complex:

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After going through it, you will be able to clear your mind of problems and self-criticism, you will learn to reduce the tension that arises in a timely manner. You will begin to notice little things again and live without thinking about how I am different. This investment in yourself will pay off very quickly, and you will become much more productive.

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Set goals and take action

To achieve results, you will need effort and active action. You won't lose weight unless you eat right and start going to the gym. If you do not try to find a common language with your work colleagues and management, your professional inferiority complex will not decrease. Set yourself clear and specific goals that will allow you to overcome your complexes.