In this article, you will receive step-by-step instructions on how to forgive and let go of a grudge, as well as learn why you can rejoice in grudges, why you get offended in the first place, and how to stop doing it once and for all. At the beginning of the article there is also a video in which I, as a psychologist, discuss this topic: the causes, consequences of grievances and ways to react differently.
- Step #3: Take Charge
How to forgive, understand and let go of resentment?
- How to forgive and let go of your departed husband
- Is it possible to forgive a person?
- How to forgive a deep offense to a person?
- How to forgive a person and free yourself from resentment
- How to forgive and let go of your loved one?
- What does it mean to forgive a person?
- How to forgive a person if you have a deep grudge against him?
- How to learn to forgive people and let go of grievances
- Steps to forgive a grudge against someone
- How to get rid of feelings of resentment towards a person
It is believed that in psychology there are several steps to forgiveness, namely seven.
When thinking about so many steps, for some reason our brain immediately puts them all somewhere far in the background. The endless blaming of a relative (husband, wife), self-flagellation, blaming oneself and the endless replaying of a number of incidents that caused the offense in one’s head continues. Torment, blind rage and sadness, tossing and negative feelings - that’s essentially all we get from resentment. Moreover, the person we are offended by may not understand the reason at all! How to find the truth and decide to talk with your husband or wife about the offense?
What is resentment? This is the perception of a certain situation through the prism of yourself, and the impact of this situation on you and your life. The emotions obtained from this analysis lead to resentment. Perhaps there is also a feeling of injustice that very strongly clings to many people.
In fact, all people are different. Even twins have different views and behavior patterns! Not to mention the difference in behavior and thinking between men and women! First you need to understand and realize what the cause of the offense is. Next, forgive. After forgiveness, you will feel better, and you will be able to throw off the burden of resentment from yourself. Of course, this is not so simple, which is why people often come for consultations with a psychologist, entangled in a snowball of their grievances. It is a psychologist who can help understand them, because often there are several grievances, and a person can no longer even formulate them within himself! There is just some kind of sediment, and the reasons for it are not understood. Sound familiar?
As a psychologist, I recommend familiarizing yourself with a few steps to help yourself through and forgive the offense:
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In my marriage counseling work, I see many people who have been deeply hurt by those they love. Like Nikita*, who was bullied by those who were once his friends. Or Lyudmila*, whose stepfather physically abused her. And Angelina*, who was raped by her boyfriend at a party while her friends stood outside the room. These cases are heartbreaking. But the one thing that is most helpful to people is the one thing that seems most impossible: usually, the key is forgiveness.
In many religious traditions, forgiveness is considered important and necessary for well-being. Christians are commanded to forgive as Christ forgave them. Judaism requires forgiveness when a wrongdoer attempts to right a wrong. Islam recommends forgiveness between believers. In Buddhism, it is seen as a way to maintain peace and mental well-being. This kind of ubiquitous forgiveness has made its way from spirituality and religion into the scientific halls of psychology thanks to Martin Seligman and Christopher Peterson's classification of virtues and strengths. Family psychologists who see many clients who have faced serious problems often talk about forgiveness as it touches the life of every person, regardless of religion or science. The mental and emotional relief a person experiences by naming the wound and letting it go can provide that person with the freedom needed to rebuild his or her life.
Although forgiveness can bring psychological relief for some over time, it is not practical to expect instant forgiveness.
Get rid of trash
How to forget a strong insult? What needs to be done to cleanse the heart of accumulated negative emotions? We need to put things in order in our lives. And you should start with the surrounding space. Let's say you noticed that people who have a good life don't have trash in their apartment? All their things are in strict order, and they can always find what they need. Now go into your apartment. The surrounding space is a direct reflection of how a person feels inside. You need to learn to clean up after yourself, not throw things around and not collect trash. And first of all, you should get rid of what reminds you of the offense. If you hold a grudge against a specific person, then temporarily stop contacting all things that remind you of him. There is no need to throw them away, just put them in a box and hide them on the mezzanine or under the bed. After you've cleaned your apartment, start putting your mind in order. Who thinks more about grievances than others? Those people who have nothing to do. If your life doesn't have meaning, try to find it. The more attention you pay to the things you enjoy doing, the less time you will have to think about grievances and worries. Order in your head will help you set priorities correctly and reconsider your attitude towards people and things.
The True Meaning of Forgiveness
Forgiveness does not forget what happened. It doesn't justify the abuse, and it doesn't mean you're no longer angry about what happened. Forgiveness is not a renunciation of efforts to achieve legal justice. Finally, it does not require that the offender admit that he was wrong, ask for forgiveness, or be willing to change. Yuri* won't have to befriend those who betrayed him again, and he won't have to put himself through more pain by trying to stand up to those who bullied him.
So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness occurs when you choose to let go of resentment or revenge, even if the actions of the person who wronged you do not deserve it. You decide to give him or her the gifts of mercy, generosity, and love. He doesn't deserve this. But you deserve freedom. You deserve the right to let go.
Forgiveness begins with acknowledging that someone did something wrong to you and that they truly deserve your anger. Beyond this, however, you should be able to still want good things for him or her. This involves what can be a long and complex process. Understanding what forgiveness means takes time, and it may take longer depending on the severity of the crime and the length of time you have lived with the harm.
Don't have high hopes for others
Do you want your life to improve significantly? Then don’t have high hopes for others. How to let go of a grudge against a man? The girl must understand that her problem was not with the young man, but, perhaps, with herself. Ladies are often disappointed in their gentlemen for the reason that women fantasize about a magical prince, and then realize that the man cannot meet the requirements.
It should be understood that a man is not a knight from a fairy tale, but a real person with his own shortcomings. And if he doesn’t meet your expectations in some way, that’s not his problem. Let's look at it with an example. The girl expected beautiful romantic gestures from the guy. The lover brought flowers to the lady, declared his love and arranged unusual dates. But she wanted him to do even more and look after her much more beautifully. Therefore, she easily abandoned her boyfriend and harbored a grudge against him. A woman needs to understand that her high expectations are to blame for this situation. The guy treated her sincerely and it’s not his fault that he doesn’t know how to love differently. Once you understand this simple fact, it is very easy to let go of resentment.
Why do we seek forgiveness?
Holding onto a grudge can have a toxic effect on your body. This can raise your blood pressure and increase your risk of stroke or heart attack. This can disrupt the immune system and increase levels of stress hormones. Julia found herself trapped in her experiences—bitter and resentful that her aggressor's life had to go on while she was still suffering. Lack of forgiveness often hurts victims while it makes no difference to those who offended. They do not care.
Everyone has experienced some injustice in their life. Some of us have experienced such terrible injustice that it may take decades before we are able to let go. And even after reaching this point, there will always be reminders.
Although forgiveness begins with an act of will—as in, “I choose to forgive this person”—thinking of it as an on/off switch for forgiveness does not help. There is a nuance here. True forgiveness is a journey.
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Preliminary work
In order to start using this method, you first need to realize the moment that we are offended, angry or simply angry, that these emotions have not gone away and that they poison our existence and do not allow us to experience joy and peace in everyday life.
The most important and valuable thing to understand in such a life situation is that with such negative emotions we inflict the main blow on ourselves first and harm ourselves.
The one who made us angry or offended - a boss, a passer-by or any other person - had his own reasons for this, which may or may not even depend on us.
How to really forgive? Basic stages of forgiveness
If forgiveness isn't as simple as saying, "I forgive you," how does that work? Fortunately, the psychological literature offers some answers here too. As it happens, there are phases of forgiveness that, if we are aware of them, can help us be more patient as we heal and as we deal with wounds that reopen.
In the first phase
Forgiveness, called the “Disclosure Phase,” requires those who seek to forgive to “discover how the offense compromised my life, confront and clarify the nature of the offense, and uncover the consequences that followed.” A willingness to look at what you have lost because of what another person did. Marina thought that she needed to let her stepfather back into her life in order to forgive him; because she couldn't do it, she thought she couldn't ask for forgiveness from her higher self. Understanding more about real forgiveness helped her move forward.
At the second stage
During the decision phase, you learn more about the nature of forgiveness and make a decision to forgive. At this stage you declare your will. Even if my feelings do not coincide with my desire to forgive, the action begins here with a choice.
At the third stage
, stage of work, you work to change your view of the offender - to see his or her side of the story, so to speak. Marina began to tell me about her stepfather's traumatic background and how his parents treated him. She understood that he could not control his anger, and she felt sorry for him. These steps may change your feelings toward the offender over time.
At the last stage
As you deepen, negative feelings decrease and you can find meaning in the suffering you have experienced. Stella, still broken, had an increasing desire to work with other women who had suffered in this way. Helping others becomes a way to find good out of terrible trauma. It connects her with others. Freud called this "sublimation." She is no longer burdened; she can transcend suffering.
Regardless of the approach to forgiveness, the facts remain that it is never easy, and true forgiveness is never quick. Trauma anniversaries and new similar experiences can become victims of revisiting past wounds. But thanks to family therapists, psychologists, the support of family and friends, we live in a world where we can grow and learn to forgive, let go and move forward on the path to freedom.
Play some sports
Have you noticed that athletes quickly forget insults? Why is this happening? Because they don't hold a grudge against people. If one of the opponents was able to get around, he will not be offended, but will work on himself to become better. If one of the judges dishonestly gives victory to a weaker opponent, then there is no point in being offended either, because justice will certainly prevail at the next competition. Every person should bring a similar principle into his life. And this will be easy to do if you join the sport. In addition to a good life philosophy, training will help your negative energy find the right outlet and improve your health. You will not accumulate grievances, but will begin to throw them away along with sweat, and you will leave the hall calm and peaceful. And, in addition, sports will make you physically stronger, more resilient and help improve willpower. The main thing is to study regularly and not give up even in cases when it becomes difficult. Believe me, you can always find time to go to a sports hall or gym. If you don't have a free hour, try to sleep less. Remember, healthy sleep is 7–8 hours.
You also need to remember about healthy eating. Junk food kills and does not give new energy and strength. Get rid of bad habits. It is impossible to drown grief with alcohol, because problems will not disappear, they will remain. And with new forces, like a huge snow avalanche, they will fall on you. It seems that everything in life comes down to little things. It would seem that I’m in a bad mood, I’ll be sad, I’ll cry, but sometimes it turns into depression, and then look, I’m not far from a nervous breakdown. Learn self-control, if you can’t do it on your own, seek help from a psychologist, you shouldn’t be ashamed of this. Smile more, find pleasant things in positive thoughts, love your loved ones, rejoice with them, surround them with affection and care, give attention and gifts, make surprises, and then there will be no room in your soul for resentment.
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness means different things to different people. Typically, however, this involves deciding to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.
Actions that hurt or offend you may always be with you, but forgiveness can loosen your grip and help free you from control over the person who harmed you. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy, and compassion for the person who hurt you.
Forgiveness does not mean that you forget the harm done to you or make peace with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness brings a certain peace to YOU that helps you move on with your life.
Forgiveness: letting go of resentment and bitterness
When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment, and thoughts of revenge—or accept forgiveness and move forward.
Who hasn't been harmed by another person's actions or words? Perhaps a parent criticized you constantly while you were growing up, a coworker sabotaged a project, or your partner had an affair. Or maybe you've had a traumatic experience, such as physical or emotional abuse by someone close to you.
These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger and bitterness—even revenge.
But if you don't practice forgiveness, you may be the one paying the most. By accepting forgiveness, you can also find peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can set you on a path to physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
What are the benefits of forgiving someone?
Letting go of resentment and bitterness can lead to improved health and mental balance. Forgiveness can lead to:
- Healthy relationships
- Improved mental health
- Less stress, anxiety and hostility
- Low blood pressure
- Fewer symptoms of depression
- Strengthening the immune system
- Improving Heart Health
- Improved self-esteem
Why is it so difficult to let go of a grudge?
Being hurt by someone, especially someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness, and confusion. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, resentment filled with resentment, revenge, and hostility can take root. If you allow negative emotions to crowd out positive feelings, you may find yourself consumed by your own bitterness or feelings of injustice.
Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you hold a grudge, almost everyone can learn to be more forgiving.
What are the consequences of holding a grudge?
If you don't forgive, you can:
- Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience
- Become so deceived that you cannot enjoy in the future
- Become depressed or anxious
- Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you are not living up to your spiritual beliefs
- Lose valuable and enriching connections with others
How can I achieve a state of forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a commitment to the individual process of change. To move from suffering to forgiveness, you can:
- Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life
- Determine what needs to be healed and who needs to be forgiven and why
- Consider joining a support group or seeing a counselor
- Acknowledge your emotions about the harm caused to you and how they affect your behavior, and try to get rid of them
- Decide to forgive the person who hurt you
- Step away from your role as a victim and release the control and power that the abuser and the situation have had in your life.
When you let go of grudges, you will no longer define your life by how you were hurt. You may even find compassion and understanding.
We are all different
Close people offend you the most: consciously or not, they hit the most painful, sensitive points. Such blows often have long-term consequences, which are difficult to get rid of.
All people are different. One person will laugh at an offensive word or not pay attention; in a few minutes he will forget. And the other will worry, replay the situation again and again, sometimes for years, destroying himself from the inside.
It’s easy to advise: ignore, forget, forgive the offender. It is much more difficult to do this, sincerely, from the heart. If you can’t do this “naturally”, you need to look for outside help.
First, you need to understand what prompted a person to offend. Reasons often cited include:
- envy. In this case, the interlocutor seems to devalue someone else’s achievement, finding shortcomings in it and belittling its merits. It seems that he says this with the best intentions, but he steals someone else’s joy, leaving resentment in his soul. Everyone can remember such examples: “Natural fur is not in fashion these days” - as a commentary on a long-desired and finally acquired fur coat; “Now you will have to be responsible for other people’s mistakes and work twice as hard” - as a congratulation on a new position and the like;
- disappointed expectations. A friend promised to help with the repairs, but instead went to the cinema with his wife; the parents were going to take the child to the circus, but there were other things to do and other plans for the weekend;
- desire to humiliate. The most serious grievances are born from the deliberate desire of one person to humiliate another. These are the hardest grudges to let go of;
- lack of tact. There are people who don't really think about what they say. Moreover, they elevate this quality to the rank of people, believing that one must always tell the truth, even offensive ones, directly to one’s face.
Resentment can arise unintentionally, but this is precisely the easiest case.
Seven steps to stop being offended
What is your grievance?
First you need to figure out what the offense is, against whom, at what moment. If this is an insult to your husband, you need to understand exactly when it happened, what was done or said at that moment. What exactly struck you the most? Is there any feeling of injustice left after that conversation or situation? Obviously yes. Admit it.
Awareness of resentment and its causes
Your personal beliefs are to blame for the state you are in now. Perhaps the other person doesn’t even understand what the essence of your offense is? The fact is that for him this may be the absolute norm! If you eat a banana, and someone categorically does not eat it, does this mean that this person may be offended by you because you eat a banana in front of him? It's funny, and yes - it can!
You need to try to figure it out, and perhaps change your views on some events. What is objective for you may not be objective for another person, since all people, as we know, are different! And vice versa. The absolute norm for one is something absolutely unacceptable for another!
For some, cheating or polyamory is a problem. For some it means constant lies or understatement. Someone is too straightforward, and in response to your request to evaluate your new shoes, they will simply say that the shoes are just like shoes, and you are offended by this. Happens? Yes, not yet! Of course, everything here is again individual and depends on the level of upbringing.
Perhaps your beliefs are not far from ideal, perhaps they are truly true. The fact is that if you are smart enough to understand it, then it is far from a fact that the other person can understand it too! Think about it.
Third person view
In any conflict or offensive situation, psychologists recommend using an approach called “Third Person View.” The essence of the approach is that you put yourself in the place of another person and look at the situation from his side. Only by looking, virtually, through his eyes at the situation, perhaps you will see that it really looks different?
After this, perhaps you will understand that there is a difference between your perception and the perception of another person, sometimes huge, and sometimes just the opposite!
Could it be that something you are offended by looks different from the outside?
Can you reconsider your grievance using third person perspective?
Forgive... yourself!
You can solve any situation by starting with yourself. The same resentment is torment. And you yourself! Some part of your consciousness (or subconsciously) may be suffering, it is important to forgive yourself and love yourself. This means accepting yourself as you are.
Why should I be offended?
For any action (any action at all!), I, as a psychologist, recommend always asking the same question: “Why?”
Now you are offended, why do you need this specifically? What do you want to achieve and what is your ultimate goal? For a person to apologize? Perhaps if he realizes that he was wrong! To feel sorry for yourself? They regretted it, for example. What changed? If nothing else, then stop feeling sorry for yourself and start thinking! Why do something that doesn't produce results?
Think about whether you are ready to continue to be offended by a person (boyfriend, girl or dog). By the way, you were often offended by pets, remember if this happened?) After all, an animal does not do it out of malice, not with the intention of offending, so most often we are not offended by animals. Because there's no point.
If you don’t have any unpleasant feelings (no longer), think about whether you are ready for forgiveness and conversation. If the thought that having spoken will make you feel better and calm will come, you are ready for the next step!
Intimate talk
If the person is within your access zone (i.e. you can and, in principle, want to talk to him). Explain what you are worried about because of such and such a situation, explain your emotions, feelings, mental pain and confusion. Ask to explain the situation from the person’s point of view, ask if he is ready to talk about this topic.
You cannot directly insist on an apology from your interlocutor. If a person wants to do this, he will do it himself, realizing that he has offended you. Especially if he didn’t want to offend in the first place, or you thought of something for yourself.
If a person does not understand, is not ready to apologize, or did it out of spite, forgive him. Forgive yourself and let go of the situation. And it will be a lesson to you that perhaps you need to reconsider the rules of your communication with this person, or perhaps stop completely.
Awareness and forgiveness of offense
The most important thing is to understand and comprehend all the previous stages. You can free yourself from resentment by leaving behind and forgiving all the negativity, all the bad things that caused this emotion that tormented you.
The psychologist’s advice is that in the present, which every second becomes the future, there is no place for past grievances and filling your head with unnecessary information. We lived, forgave, and put it out of our heads.
I'm sorry or I'm forgiving?
Moral and psychological suffering from insults can last for years until a person fully understands himself. Enormous work, and often the help of a psychologist, is required in order to finally get rid of tormenting psychological pain. In life you have a lot of interesting, important and useful things that are worth focusing on. Living with past grievances, you take away your time from something new and interesting. Something that can make your life better, raise its quality to a new level! Work on it, free yourself and breathe deeply! Take action! Right now!
What happens if I can't forgive someone?
Forgiveness can be problematic, especially if the victim does not admit their mistake. If you get stuck:
- Practice empathy. Try to see the situation from the other person's point of view
- Ask yourself why he or she behaves this way. Perhaps you would react the same way if you were faced with the same situation
- Think about how you have hurt others and those who have forgiven you.
- Write in a journal, pray or use meditation, or talk to someone you consider wise and compassionate, such as your therapist or an impartial loved one or friend
- Remember that forgiveness is a process, and even small wounds may need to be revisited and forgiven over and over again.
Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?
If the traumatic event involved someone whose relationship you value differently, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. However, this is not always the case.
Reconciliation may not be possible if the abuser is dead or unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, a meeting may not be appropriate. However, forgiveness is possible—even if there is no reconciliation.
What if the person I forgive doesn't change?
Forcing another person to change their actions, behavior or words is not the point of forgiveness. Think about forgiveness more in terms of how it can change your life—bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power that another person continues to have in your life.
What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?
The first step is to honestly evaluate and admit the mistakes you have made and how they affected others. Avoid harsh judgments about yourself.
If you truly regret something you said or did, consider admitting it to those you harmed. Talk about your sincere grief or regret and ask for forgiveness without making excuses.
Remember, however, that you cannot force someone to forgive you. Others must move to forgiveness in their own time. Whatever happens, try to treat others with compassion, empathy and respect.
Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health
We have all heard the admonition “you need to forgive and forget.” Many of us heard this as a child from our parents when we were hurt by a brother or friend. We were told to turn the other cheek and give our buddies another chance.
Some of us have learned that the golden rule behind this is to do to others what we would like them to do. Since parents can quickly point this out, we were certainly guilty of our own misdeeds and needed forgiveness.
Our parents were not mistaken. Knowing how to forgive someone is a vital skill. This serves us well in our personal lives and in our professional relationships. It preserves friendships and restores our faith in our children. And we definitely benefit from it when the people in our lives can forgive us when we inevitably screw up.
Forgive and forget is good in theory, but in reality it is difficult. Below are four reasons why it is important to forgive but not forget.
- Forgiveness is critical
to our emotional health. By refusing to forgive someone, we choose to hold on to all the anger and bitterness caused by their actions. When we choose to hold on to this anger and let it consume us, it can make us irritable, impatient, distracted, and even physically ill. Forgiveness is all about us, not about the other person. We don't forgive other people because they deserve it. If this were a litmus test for when to forgive, it would happen very rarely. Instead, we choose to forgive those who have hurt us because we cannot fully let go of the destructive emotions within us until we do so. Forgiveness is not a matter of justice; it's a heart problem. - We can learn
from past experiences. We need to take what we can learn, remember the lesson and move on. This may mean moving on or without the person who hurt us. Even in the midst of a situation, we can learn something about ourselves—about what pushes our buttons, where we may have sensitivities, and how we cope when someone cares about us. With this new knowledge, we are better prepared for future relationships and the inevitable conflicts that will come with them. - Forgiveness can strengthen
our
relationships
. All relationships can be restored, and even deepened and flourished, despite what happened in the past, but because of it. The act of forgiveness strengthens people's commitment to healthy relationships. And they become more committed to preventing contentious and harmful conflicts from arising in the future.
We protect ourselves from becoming a victim of the same crime again. Don't dwell on what happened and rehash it regularly. Instead, we need to remember what happened to us to prevent it from happening again. Just because we have forgiven someone does not mean that we decide to keep them in our lives. Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is forgive them and then move on without them. It is important that we do not allow ourselves to be subjected to the same abuse over and over again. Therefore, it is absolutely essential that we learn from what happened so we are committed to a better outcome in the future.
There is great value in learning to forgive but not forget. Self-care requires regularly forgiving others. Remember, we are doing this for us, not for them. And we don't obsess, but we also don't forget, so that we can take valuable life lessons with us.
Husband (wife), boyfriend or girlfriend
How to forgive an offense to your loved one or husband and let go of the past who abandoned you. There is such a practice - pulling out the positives. The situation has already happened and cannot be changed. It is important to change your attitude towards the situation.
Take a sheet of paper and draw a vertical strip into 2 parts. Top left is “plus”, right is “minus”. And write down all the pros and cons of this situation.
At first there will be many minuses, more than pluses. Don't give up, come back to this sheet again and again. Understand that everything has already happened, you need to live again. Add a column with pluses.
Now your subconscious is focused on the positive manifestations of this life collision. Gradually, the melancholy will recede and the resentment will become a thing of the past.
Next, use the “Water and Fire” technique.
Consultation with a psychologist
Of course, reading steps to forgiving an offense in an article on psychology is very good. Nevertheless, it often happens that it is quite problematic to independently get rid of negative thoughts that do not want to leave your head. Then a psychologist will come to the rescue - your friend, who will help you sort everything out, understand that third-person view, understand and let go of the situation forever. You may need hypnosis to remove negative thoughts from your subconscious, or to remove the root of the problem that caused the resentment. After all, it often turns out that resentment is only a consequence, and its cause is much deeper than the person himself could even think. During a psychotherapy session, we will analyze the reasons in detail, find and eliminate them together.
A consultation with a psychologist will help you find long-awaited freedom from grievances, their acceptance and forgiveness.
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Psychologist, hypnologist Natalya Korshunova ©
