One of the key skills in life for each of us is the ability to forgive other people and ourselves. Unfortunately, only a few have this skill. If you are one of them, do not read this article! For the rest, we discussed the topic of forgiveness in detail. Read and change your life. Find out how to learn to forgive grievances!
A quick question: is the ability to forgive a strength or a weakness?
Do you need to take revenge on your offender?
Most people, in a situation where they have experienced all the pain from an insult, have a large or small desire to take revenge on this person. But does it get any easier because you've taken revenge?
Perhaps, after avenging one’s grievances, a feeling of satisfaction initially arises, but then another feeling appears - disgust, resentment for oneself. The one who takes revenge automatically becomes on the same level as his offender and gets dirty in the same dirt.
What does the word "forgiveness" mean?
There are many misconceptions associated with the concept of “forgiveness” that prevent people from getting rid of negative emotions. Forgiveness does not remove responsibility from the person who inflicted the insult, but changes the attitude of the victim to the situation. Accordingly, if the offender has violated the law, he must suffer the due punishment - this is not revenge, but a normal practice in all developed countries.
The second myth is pseudo-forgiveness. Some people find it easier to say “I forgive” than to understand the causes of their pain and resentment. This approach does not solve the problem, but only aggravates it, driving negative emotions into the distant corners of memory, where they can live for a long time.
The last misconception concerns the quick forgiveness of offenses. It is only possible in cases where a person’s foot has been stepped on or coffee has been spilled on him. If the insult caused a deep wound, you will not be able to quickly forget about the incident - this is a normal feature of the human psyche, for which you should not blame yourself. Experiencing any negative situation goes through several stages: denial, non-acceptance, anger, depression, enlightenment (humility). Quick forgiveness means an instant transition from the first stage to the last, which is almost impossible to achieve in real life.
Why do you need to forgive?
Psychologists say that it is necessary to learn to forgive any offender - it does not matter whether you will continue to intersect with him in life or not.
Amazing observations by psychologists suggest that in fact, it is not the offender who needs forgiveness - it doesn’t matter whether it is a person close to you or a complete stranger - but you. A person who has forgiven no longer has stress and worries; he is able to let go of grievances by understanding the one who inflicted them.
If you do not forgive, a person continues to relive his grievances , which only grow with new and new experiences, becoming the main reason for failure in life. Resentment can develop into hatred, which blurs the eyes and prevents you from becoming simply happy .
The Importance of Forgiveness
Resentment is a great evil and a source of colossal negative energy. This energy takes away strength and deprives us of the opportunity to live a bright and fulfilling life.
No matter how strong the offense is, it must be let go. First of all, we need it, because it is not our offenders who carry it within themselves. It is important to learn to forgive and give thanks. To give thanks for everything good and bad that we have in our lives.
Don't dwell on grievances. Of course, they influenced the formation of the present, but it is in our power not to let them determine our future. Ultimately, only we decide how we perceive any situation and what lesson to learn from it.
If we don’t decide for ourselves, someone else will do it for us, and we will live our lives unconsciously, automatically, grayly and dullly. Do you like this perspective? No? Then go ahead - to forgiveness!
Learn to forgive, let go of negative situations and move forward with your head held high. After forgiving your grievances, your life will change. Remember, greatness lies in the ability to forgive.
How to learn to forgive insults and how to forgive the offender?
Resentment is an unproductive feeling that you need to learn to get rid of . It must be said that the ability to forgive is an entire art that requires enormous work on oneself and the expenditure of a large amount of mental resources .
Psychologists say that to develop the ability to forgive, on average, you need to work through 50 situations of grievances in your life.
Positive motivation
In friendship, the ability to forgive is very important. The arguments in favor of this statement are as follows:
- having freed yourself from grievances, you will become an independent and invulnerable person;
- you will be able to recharge yourself with positive energy, conveying a joyful mood to others;
- It will be easier for you to communicate with current friends and build relationships with new ones;
- the veil that previously prevented you from adequately assessing the situation and people will fall from your eyes;
- you will learn to benefit from communication with friends, ignoring negative messages;
- you will be interesting to others, because people are always drawn to the strong, wise and independent;
- you will get a chance to become a successful person, because negative thoughts will no longer weigh you down and pull you down.
There are certain stages in mastering this science - the ability to forgive:
- Awareness of the very feeling of resentment A person experiencing resentment must admit to himself that it exists, that he is ready to work with it and ultimately eliminate it. Many people who want to get rid of a grudge, but don’t know how to do it, at this stage simply do not want to admit to themselves that they have a grudge, driving it deep into the subconscious, from where it begins to slowly destroy the positive.
- It is necessary to prepare for the work to eradicate resentment. Council of psychologists - after realizing the fact of resentment, a person must firmly decide to work with it. A person should devote at least twenty minutes a day to working to eradicate his resentment. This work must be perceived as important training.
- Replay the offense in detail You must imagine in detail again the offensive situation that occurred. Remember what your offender looked like, what he said to you, and how he behaved. Try to imagine what feelings the offender experienced, what thoughts he had about you. Psychologists advise first remembering all the details of the situation, and then writing it down in detail on a piece of paper. For such work, it is better to keep a personal diary, which will then help you evaluate the effectiveness of working on yourself.
- Answer the following questions as a lawyer and as a prosecutor (2 answers per question)
- Were his expectations realistic, since they subsequently did not come true?
- Does the expected behavior contradict his personal beliefs?
- Why did this person act this way and not otherwise?
- Should this person be punished for what he did?
Was this person aware of his expectations and did he agree with them?
As you answer these questions, write down your answers . Give pluses to those answers that reflect the true state of the offended person. Calculate the pros and cons - if you understand the situation and the ability to forgive offenses, the answers that were given on behalf of the lawyer should have more pros.
- How could this person have avoided being offended, how should he have behaved?
Learn to look at the situation that happened not from your position, but from the position of an outside observer .
If resentment overwhelms you, try to imagine the scale of your life and then the scale of this resentment in comparison with the first. You will see two volumes - a huge universe - your life, and a small grain of sand in it, that is, resentment . Should I spend time in my life worrying about this grain of sand?
Forgiveness preserves physical and mental health
The anger and resentment that a person keeps within himself for a long time very soon begins to have a destructive effect not only on the psyche, but also on the physical state of a person.
Anger and incontinence in emotions are a state of mind that deals the heaviest blow, first of all, to the health of the person himself.
If you train yourself to feel anger, even in small quantities, you will soon become unable to distinguish between what is normal and what is not. The habit of expressing sudden aggressive emotions produces excess adrenaline in the body, and very quickly such a person becomes adrenoline-dependent and unbalanced.
During moments of stress and anger, our body releases certain types of enzymes that increase blood pressure and cholesterol levels in the blood. Aggressiveness and anger also cause an increased process of production of certain protein cells in the blood, which provoke the occurrence of various infectious diseases in the blood.
Anger and malice are extremely harmful to the normal functioning of the heart. Hot temper and lack of restraint are a direct road to a heart attack.
People who react to a stressful situation with outbursts of anger and emotional incontinence, resentment and bitterness are more susceptible to various heart diseases than good-natured people.
Forgiveness reduces the danger of malice, anger, and depression having a negative impact on a person’s health and relieves a person of all the negative consequences of conflicts, helping him maintain both physical and mental health.
There is no doubt that forgiveness and mercy are the main components of a healthy human existence. They are undoubtedly the most important positive character traits that all people should develop.
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What happens during a grudge
The causes of anger and resentment often overlap
First of all, we are offended by the harm that has been done to us. It doesn't matter whether it was done intentionally, by accident, or to teach an important life lesson. We can also be offended by those who have views on some aspect of life that are radically opposite to ours
For example, if you are a vegetarian, you may be offended by how people around you actively consume meat. Any attacks towards your interests can also cause you to be offended. Researchers are confident that ten discrepancies are enough for a person to form a resentment in his head. Another cause of resentment may be unjustified expectations. For example, a girl was expecting to receive a ring as a gift, and her fiancé took her to a restaurant.
People who cannot cope with resentment react to it in different ways. Some begin to come up with a plan for revenge, while others become disillusioned with reality and begin to replay in their heads a happy ending that is not destined to come true. And some even begin to blame themselves for everything or, worse, become completely disappointed in people. What all scenarios have in common is the accumulation of negative emotions.
In order to cope with the burden of grievances every day, a person has to spend a lot of energy. Obviously, in this situation you simply do not have enough vitality to achieve goals, success, happiness, etc. This means that touchiness is a quality that primarily harms you.
Love love
It often happens in life that a husband or wife cheats on their significant other. And they know everything, but every time they accept the cheaters back. Why is this happening? As mentioned above, love is to blame.
Love is the highest degree of dedication and self-sacrifice. She is able to cover everything: the most severe insults and the strongest blows. Love is a healer for the soul, but not everyone is able to drink this medicine.
Does forgiving mean loving? Yes it is. When we love with all our souls, we forgive all the wrongs done to us.
I choose a dream!
I hope now it will be easier for you to forgive people and let go of grievances. Let's accumulate joyful memories that warm the soul, and not heavy cobblestones on the heart. Let's take care of our own energy resources and get rid of the bad habit of being offended by people.
It is also very important to stop being offended by the most important person in your life - yourself. The self-love marathon, created by Elizaveta Volkova and Veronika Kitsenko, will help you with this. Hurry up to reserve your place in the new stream >>>
Forward! With a light backpack behind you, go to your dreams!
(The author of the article is Anna Zhukova, psychologist).
General Tips
If you are completely tormented by resentment, and you don’t want to forgive, you can give the following advice: go to church.
Don’t laugh, they say, what kind of obscurantism. People would not go to the well if there was no water in it. The people would not turn to God if he did not help.
Talk to the priest, the priest will advise what to do in such a situation. Just don’t think that all the priests will repeat: what a bad person who cannot forgive. Situations are individual, and God's servants understand this.
Don't want to go to church? Contact a psychologist. Now this is a fashionable trend. A psychologist will listen patiently, sympathize and help you get rid of the problem. Just not in one session, this needs to be taken into account.
In general, the best help comes from work. As one village woman said after reading Anna Karenina: she would need a cow. Or better yet, two.
Benefit and importance
The ability to forgive brings with it enormous benefits. This is how the greatness and humanity of each of us is revealed. Depending on whether you offended a person or were offended yourself, do one of two things:
- Forgive the person who offended you, even if he has not yet asked for it.
- Forgive yourself to let go of guilt. It's depressing.
Next, I propose to consider the reasons why you should master the skill of forgiveness:
- you no longer need to strain yourself to clearly remember the details when the offense occurred;
- all events and experiences remain in the past and no longer haunt you;
- you have no one else to blame, so all negative emotions go away;
- you use your time meaningfully.
Important! If you are unable to say goodbye to what burdens you, even when you have forgiven, then you should contact a specialist.
Breaking up with a loved one
The guy forgave me, what does this mean? Are you ready to date me again and start over? These are the questions a girl asks after having a fight with a young man.
It really all depends on the situation. If the offense is petty and far-fetched, it is quite possible that the young man is ready to start all over again.
What if a female person cheated on him? A man, like a woman, is not always able to swallow this. Representatives of the stronger sex are owners. It is harder for them to accept betrayal than for women. Therefore, if a guy has forgiven in this case, it is not at all a fact that he is simply eager to accept the cheater into his arms.
How to get over a breakup with your loved one? It is easier for the guilty party to do this. Because she provoked it. As for the innocent, it's worth switching to something else. Take your mind off sad thoughts.
What is resentment?
Resentment is pride, hurt pride, unrealized illusions and even dissatisfaction with oneself. But how to cope with the habit of being offended and the inability to forgive people?
First, you need to understand that by holding a grudge, you will make things worse not for the offender, but for yourself. This ruins your mood for the whole day, at least, or even years. What happens to the soul and mind? What emotions do you experience when you feel like you have been insulted or humiliated? Surely this is anger, rage, irritation, disappointment. Negative emotions and thoughts can undermine your physical health and lead to serious illnesses.
Even in the distant past, wise grandmothers said that all diseases are caused by nerves. Imagine that some minor grievances can lead you to serious health problems. Do such prospects attract you or would you like to see yourself in the future as a healthy, happy and successful person? Most likely, you are leaning towards the second option, so start with yourself and learn to forgive people.
Why do we get offended
Try to remember your very first offense. It will probably be something from childhood. It is during this period of life that we learn well how to “correctly” be offended by others in order to achieve our goals. Many girls and boys, unfortunately, take this childhood skill into adulthood.
When do we get offended?
- If someone didn't give us something we really wanted (be it a lollipop or a luxurious bouquet of roses on a special occasion);
- If someone did not “read your thoughts” and did not do as you wished (it was out of spite that he did not go to the store to buy bread...);
- If your opponent’s opinion is fundamentally at odds with yours (after all, you are sincerely convinced that you are right, and he is proving something to you).
We are offended simply because we are accustomed to reacting this way since childhood. Touchiness can quietly become part of one’s character - a real bad habit that destroys a person from the inside.
