One of the key topics in the psychology of influence is how to learn to persuade, achieving goals even with the initial disagreement of your counterpart. This skill is important for business, personal relationships, and strengthening one’s self-esteem. However, the ability to persuade is dangerously close to manipulation, which, although effective in the short term, is very harmful in the long term.
This is the art of a competent negotiator: when achieving your goal, do not create in others the feeling that they were used, deceived and forced to do something by force. On the contrary, the interlocutor sincerely agrees with the theses proposed to him or fulfills the request, and the positive feeling remains with him in the future. Let's figure out how, when convincing a person, not to become a manipulator, but at the same time achieve success in negotiations, win over loved ones and colleagues to your side, and remain on good terms with everyone.
How to convince a person: key principles
There is a lot of literature on how to learn to persuade, but theory alone helps little. It is necessary to master practical methods of influence. This is useful from all sides: you will learn to persuade yourself and will be able to resist manipulation by recognizing the techniques of your opponents.
The fundamental principle of persuasion is the combination of logical arguments with emotions and characteristics of human psychology. This was discovered by Aristotle, the creator of the classical laws of rhetoric. Persuasion is based on the use of three components:
- pathos - an emotional component that influences feelings, creating the desired mood in the interlocutor; logos - convincing arguments that are difficult to object to;
- ethos is a reference to generally accepted authorities, positions close to a person, people whom he respects.
Another important tool of influence is the ability to quickly understand which position is close to your counterpart and create the impression in the person that you share his opinion. At the same time, one must not stoop to manipulation.
Law of Rare Opportunity
When the quantity of something we need is limited, its value increases in our eyes.
The Law of Rare Opportunity is widely used in television advertising. Typical advertising phrases: “while supplies last,” “only on Sundays,” “limited quantities,” “only 10,000 in stock,” and others are statements that hint at a quantitative limitation and a rare purchasing opportunity. .
People sincerely believe that the car dealer will raise prices at the end of the week, and they will never again be the same as today!
A salesperson who wants to meet with a client in a management position may take advantage of the law of rare opportunity and hint to the client that he has a very busy schedule. On such and such days and at such and such times he is busy, but there are options. “On Friday and Monday I can’t, but on Tuesday, at 15.15, I will have twenty minutes free. Will this suit you?
The girl is tired of her boyfriend. However, as soon as he shows interest in another girl, she wants to date him again. The possibility of losing a young man gives him value in the eyes of his girlfriend.
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The difference between manipulation and persuasion
To manipulate is to take without giving anything in return, to use charisma, NLP and other techniques to get benefits, even if the opponent feels deceived. These methods do not work so 100%: many people have already learned to recognize manipulation; instead of the desired result, you will get a reaction of rejection and aggression.
Manipulative tactics are insidious: even if you succeed now, later your opponent will “come to his senses”, understand that he was used and convey this information to those around him. In order to avoid being branded as a toxic person, it is important to know how you can convince a person without becoming a manipulator. To do this, give up the classics of manipulation: false questioning (clarification with a distortion of the meaning), deliberate haste, demonstrative indifference, excessive rage inappropriate for the occasion, or “syrup” servility.
On the negative nature of material possessions
A common example of a limited belief is “Money is evil.” It was once useful. For example, in the difficult years of the revolutionary past, when being a rich person was life-threatening and following such a principle could literally become life-saving for a person. This belief was then passed on from parents to children, from generation to generation. Throughout Soviet history, it coincided with the principles of survival accepted in society.
But then another historical era came - the time of a market economy. And here this limiting belief no longer helps the person, but prevents him from surviving. Having material wealth and money has come to mean the opportunity to receive education, quality medical services and other benefits. An outdated moral principle came into conflict with reality and began to limit a person’s capabilities.
How to learn to convince people
If you want to truly convince someone, you need to follow the rule of responding. If you offer something first, make a “nice gesture,” the person will have a desire to thank or at least “give.” Often people in such a situation give more than they received. It is important to understand: the rule does not mean that you will automatically achieve your goal - only that you will create such an emotional hook in your opponent. Here are striking examples:
- nice optional gifts for seasonal holidays (or any occasion);
- free samples of goods that make you come back for a “full” purchase;
- services that you provide free of charge to neighbors, relatives, colleagues and which evoke a feeling of the need to “repay the debt.”
Another way to convince your opponent is to use the law of friendship. People will do more for their friends, but you need to approach the person you're interested in the right way. It is important to look for something for which you can sincerely praise your opponent, give a compliment that will not look like a stretch and manipulation.
To get close to people easily, always pay attention to how you look, how neat and appropriate your clothes are, and whether you carry yourself confidently. Try to show that you treat the person well, and he will want to meet you halfway. Finally, in order to force someone to listen to you, you can influence your counterpart psychologically - influence his consciousness with words and non-verbal techniques (remembering the dangers of manipulation).
Law of Expectation
When a person in your authority expects you to perform a certain task or achieve a certain result, you will try to meet his expectations, whatever they may be.
In early January 1991, Israeli citizens were issued respirators to protect them from chemical weapons that could be used by Iraq. After Iraq fired ballistic missiles (January 16, 1991), dozens of Israelis went to hospitals complaining of the symptoms they were told about. These symptoms appear as a result of the action of chemical weapons. The interesting thing is that no chemical weapons were used that day. This example shows that the law of expectation has enormous power. In this case, consequences were observed that were directly opposite to the well-known “placebo effect” (a placebo is a harmless substance that imitates a drug in appearance).
The placebo effect is best illustrated with the following example. During the Korean War, thousands of people were injured. When morphine supplies ran out, the wounded were given a placebo (sweet pills, etc.) instead. Some reports show that 25% of soldiers who received a placebo experienced relief from pain, although there was no medical reason for this.
Psychological techniques
For those who want to become persuasive, it is useful to know about such techniques and be able to use them. Often basic techniques are enough - for example, links to the majority. According to research, 85% of the world's population are conformists, for whom the argument of “correct” behavior is very powerful. It is enough to refer to the majority opinion or generally accepted norms, and the scales will tip in your favor.
The principle of contrast also works well - it is often used in sales. A person is offered objects with a very noticeable difference - in favor of what needs to be sold. Other effective techniques:
- “second offer”: a person is made the first, obviously unprofitable, and he refuses, and then the second - a kind of concession (exactly what should have been achieved initially), and the opponent, “rehabilitating” after the refusal or making a compromise, agrees;
- fast speech: if you speak clearly, quickly, you look more convincing - this can be learned in rhetoric courses;
- reframing - “turning” a negative statement in a positive way, using positive rhetoric;
- open questions with a positive answer - let the person speak out and get consent in principle, and then it will be easier;
- visual and tactile contact - you need to be careful here, but if you break this invisible barrier, achieving agreement will become much easier;
- strong arguments come last, then they will be better remembered.
Law of Influence
The degree of influence of some people on others depends on the authority, strength and competence of these people in the eyes of those who experience this influence.
Doctors have great influence. Usually people take their words with great confidence. Dr. Robert Cialdini's book, Influence, does a good job of showing how much authority a doctor has in the eyes of nurses. When a doctor calls a hospital and asks them to give medicine to patients, even if it is prescribed by mistake, 95% of the nurses follow the doctor's instructions, contrary to the hospital's rules. This is the power of influence.
The auto mechanic becomes an influential person in the eyes of the consumer. The fate of the machine is in his hands, and for anyone ignorant of mechanics, his word is immutable. If he tells you that you need to adjust something, you are more likely to listen and follow his advice.
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Examples of Persuasion
Reframing: use positive connotations of “pro” or “for” instead of the word “anti.” For example, the social movement is called “for nature” and not “against development”.
Open questions: “What do you think about...”, “How do you feel about...”.
Emotional argument (curiosity, trust, etc.): “Honestly, the promotion has already ended, but we’ll try to extend it for you,” “The backlight in this kettle changes color from blue to red when the water boils.”
Of course, all these skills need to be honed with professional trainers. The Oratoris school of public speaking invites everyone who wants to become persuasive, successfully negotiate, and defend their point of view. You will learn how to persuade anyone without becoming a manipulator, and how to win supporters while maintaining the ethics of influence.
Law of Sequence
When a person declares, in writing or orally, that he accepts a certain position, he will seek to defend that position, no matter how true it is, and even if it is obvious that it is wrong.
President George H. W. Bush said: “You have my word that there will be no tax increases.” He had no idea how much his popularity would decline when he signed the 1990 tax bill. If a person behaves inconsistently, our trust and respect for him plummets.
President Clinton lost significant public credibility by supporting policies that were inconsistent with his campaign platform. When people see inconsistency, they start looking around for another option. That's why in 1994 the Republicans won the House and Senate majorities for the first time in forty years!
Other destructive attitudes about money
The list of limiting beliefs related to finances goes on:
- “Only criminals drive expensive cars.”
- “All rich people are just very lucky.”
- “Money brings only misfortune.”
- “There’s never enough money.”
- “There were no wealthy people in our family, so I will always be poor.”
- “Financial security can only be achieved by a person who has a good start - an inheritance from his parents, useful connections, sponsorship from the rich.”
- “To earn large sums, you need to work from morning to night, seven days a week.”
Common female misconception
Limiting beliefs in our heads are associated with a variety of areas of life. And many of these destructive ideas have to do with personal life. One of the common negative beliefs that women have is this: “Men cannot be trusted under any circumstances. They only want one thing from women.”
At one time, during a certain historical period of time, such a concept might have been viable. The woman who adhered to it in her life could avoid unnecessary extramarital affairs, unwanted pregnancies, and condemnation from her family and society. Guided by him, she could successfully marry and maintain her reputation.
But for a modern lady who lives in a time of a different social order and accessible contraception, such a belief may make it difficult to look at members of the opposite sex without prejudice. Guided by this idea, a woman with her own hands condemns herself to loneliness. This is how this belief takes on the nature of a limiting one.
| ^ Our beliefs are a way - ^ interfere with or prevent us from getting what we intended from life. |
It is our beliefs that help or prevent us from getting what we want from life. If we want to improve it, change it, we must formulate new beliefs with the help of our mind. And they are based on Faith. We only get what we believe in, what our beliefs allow us to believe. If we are convinced that there are many bad people in the world, then we will constantly find such confirmation. If we believe that there are many good people in the world, we will also be convinced of this every time.
| d A strong inner desire to improve your life and the fate of loved ones can give you the strength to change false attitudes. ^ |
We develop beliefs from birth and are difficult to change. And only a strong inner desire to improve your life and the fate of your loved ones can give you the Strength to change false attitudes. A strong personal desire (motivation) is the first source of strength. The second is knowledge. Not only those that are given in educational institutions, but also knowledge about the right life (Vedic, for example), self-healing, family relationships, positive psychology, gaining financial freedom, the laws of life. They help change old beliefs. And the new ones are that we should learn to be grateful, forgive, correctly show our love for loved ones, build good relationships with people - these are the beliefs that can change our lives for the better. But many of us already “know everything” and don’t want to learn anything, because they consider themselves adults and don’t want to take responsibility for what happens in their lives. ______________________
Beliefs that it is time to take responsibility for [New knowledge helps one’s future, recognize and correct the mistakes of the past, and open up new opportunities for changing the present.
Admitting such mistakes, repenting, letting go of guilt and forgiving ourselves clears our minds and opens up new opportunities for relationships with other people. It is enough to mentally ask for forgiveness from those whom we have offended and misunderstood in order to feel relief and have the opportunity to improve relationships.
| ^ Mental enough - ^ but ask for forgiveness from those whom we have offended. K - J |
Forming new beliefs requires understanding and effort. They do not and cannot appear on their own or after reading this section. Usually this is preceded by crises, awareness of one’s experience and other people’s examples from life. A person who has decided to develop is also ready to change his beliefs with the help of new knowledge. The formation of positive beliefs is impossible without our strong desire, without the need to develop and control our destiny. Life shows us the need to change our attitudes, sending us signals.
ly - pain, suffering - you just need to listen and understand the hint. Suffering is not a punishment, it is only a hint about the need to change beliefs and behavior.
| ^ If we want to change our lives, ^ we must change the old limiting beliefs that ^ hold us to new ones._________ ^ |
If we want to change our lives, we must change the old beliefs that limit us to new ones, for example (Table 72).
| Table 72. Old and new beliefs Old belief | New belief |
| There will always be little money anyway | You need to learn something new and useful for people, earn more and spend wisely |
| No love | There is love, and I am proof of it |
| Nobody loves me | God loves me, he wants to teach me love. I am loved by parents, children and all those to whom I do good. |
| There are a lot of bad people in the world | There are a lot of good people in the world |
| All people are bad | All people are different, they, like me, are imperfect |
| All people cheat | People are not angels. There are many honest people in the world |
| You can’t forgive insults, you need to punish offenders | Forgiving our offenders frees us from resentment and makes us healthier. |
| People are ungrateful | We are grateful to our parents for life, and to other people for lessons, help and interaction |
| Children are ungrateful | Our children will give their children the love they received from us |
| Children have a responsibility to take care of us | We must raise our children well |
| Children should look after us when we retire | We must cleanse our body, lead a healthy lifestyle, not be lazy, so that in the future we can take care of ourselves and our grandchildren |
| Children don't want to study, they only like to walk and play | Children love useful activities if we can explain why they need it |
| Children should do what they want, they should not be forced | Children don't know what they really want, we need to teach them useful skills |
| Children will grow up and do what they want. | We will study the strengths of our children and help them develop them |
| The grandchildren make a lot of noise, they are naughty and tire us out | Grandchildren need our care, education and help in acquiring knowledge and skills |
| You have to try everything yourself | You need to study the experience of other people and acquire your own useful skills, be able to control your desires |
| You need everything | You need to eat healthy food |
| You have to do whatever you want, life is short! | It is necessary to learn to control your actions and desires, thoughts and emotions, to perform reasonable actions |
| You don't have to do what you don't want to do | You should be able to deny yourself manifestations of weakness and laziness |
| Table 72 (continued) Old belief; *% | ; „ ^ New belief, |
| We need to relax more, live without stress | It is necessary to cultivate willpower in yourself, learn to show it, do the right thing, and not do only what you want |
| Life will teach | You need to study yourself |
| You have to fight your shortcomings all your life | We need to find and develop our strengths, virtues, talents and abilities. |
| Why study if no one knows what awaits us in the future? | We can gain skills to solve complex problems |
| Fate decides everything for us | We ourselves can influence our own destiny. |
| To achieve a lot, you have to work hard | To achieve success you must do the right things |
| He who works hard earns a lot | Those who do useful work for others through their business earn more |
| You have to work hard for money | You need to learn how to earn money, make it work for yourself by investing correctly |
| To lose weight, you have to starve and go on diets for a long time, and this is hard | To lose weight, you need to eat right, exercise, learn to cleanse your body, use fasting days and fasts, and follow a daily routine. |
| My parents lived a hard life, and I have a hard life too. | Only 50% of the ability to be happy is determined by genetics, and the other 50% depends on ourselves |
| Most people drink alcohol and feel fine | I know and will find many ways to improve my mood without alcohol: exercise, a healthy lifestyle, communication with loved ones |
| I married to enjoy my wife | I got married and accept my wife for who she is. I will serve all members of my family |
| No body understands me | I will explain to my loved ones what I want from them and ask what they expect from me |
| My children are very naughty and don't respect me | I will take care of the children and myself, respect them and myself, ask for help and forgive them |
| My enemies (husband, wife, partner, friend) are sick of me | I will not allow myself to be upset and hold grudges, but will learn to forgive everyone |
| No loyal people | I am devoted to my loved ones and partners and will look for equally devoted people, there are many of them in life |
| Love doesn't last forever | Love must be preserved and reinforced by small separations, service, attention, patience, and gratitude. You can learn to love. There are many examples where people carried their love for each other to the end of their lives, and I will study such examples |
| After 40 years and in old age, everyone gets sick, I am no exception | Diseases can be prevented and overcome. There are examples of happy centenarians who died after a hundred years, falling asleep in their sleep. I will study this lifestyle and follow their example |
| New safety | |
| It's too late to study at 50 | It's never too late to learn, studying develops the brain, keeping you young |
| I can't learn English, I don't have the ability | I can learn English if I just want to |
| A healthy lifestyle is not for me | I want to feel good and be healthy every day - and I will learn how to do this |
| I can't lose 30 kg, it's hard | I will learn how to easily lose weight |
| I've been lied to a lot and I don't trust people | Life has taught me to understand people, who you can trust and who you shouldn’t. |
| Life is suffering | Suffering brings knowledge, teaches and improves us |
| Life is not fair | Life always teaches us something |
| Life is very hard | Life is interesting! |
| If you want to change your beliefs, try to formulate them. Old Beliefs That Limit You | New beliefs that can improve your life |
| and |
Once again, I want to note that changing beliefs is not easy. Many of them influence our lives at the subconscious level, and we are not always aware of it. But if we want to change our life for the better and eliminate what prevents us from living easily and joyfully, then we need to change false attitudes. It all starts with changing yourself. When we look at the world gloomily, with distrust, resentment, it reacts and meets us in the same way. And when we radiate trust, a smile, joy, a good mood, life and the people around us react to us accordingly. Who would we rather turn to for help - a gloomy and angry person or a friendly and sympathetic person?
Having adopted new beliefs, we must remind ourselves of them in difficult moments of life and find examples of them.
And only when we see confirmation will we believe in them. Believing in new beliefs helps us change and improve our lives. We also recommend:
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