High self-esteem: signs, what to do? High self-esteem in a child

One of the main manifestations of personal development is a person’s ability to evaluate himself. The totality of an individual’s ideas about himself, analysis and assessment of his qualities, be it: external data, character traits, advantages and disadvantages, the presence or absence of any abilities, skills, talents - all this forms human self-esteem. The level of harmony of his life depends on how adequately a person perceives himself, both in relationships with himself and in interactions with people around him.

Self-esteem performs many functions, the main ones are:

developing – a sober look at oneself, allows a person to understand what qualities or skills are worth developing and improving; encourages him to improve himself and expand the range of his capabilities;
protective - an adequate assessment of one’s strengths, warns against rash actions, for example, a person will not take on some task, understanding that he does not have enough knowledge or resources to complete it. In addition, stable, stable ideas about oneself allow the individual not to break under the pressure of any external forces (for example, due to the opinions and judgments of other people);
regulatory – a person makes most of his decisions based on ideas about himself. For example, the choice of a future profession is based on an analysis of more developed qualities.

In addition, self-esteem contributes to a person’s adaptation in society, allows him to feel satisfied with himself, reflects his attitude towards himself, motivates him to act or, conversely, encourages him to stop his activity in time if its result can lead to disappointment and self-criticism. The formation of self-esteem affects all aspects of a person's life.

There are three types of self-esteem: adequate, overestimated and underestimated. It goes without saying that in order to perform all the above functions, self-esteem must be adequate, that is, a person must really evaluate himself, see his strengths and recognize his shortcomings, understand what he can do, what he needs to strive for, and what, alas, he will never master. . With this approach, the individual does not suffer from unjustified expectations and does not set unattainable goals.

Inflated self-esteem is a person’s distorted idea of himself, characterized by a groundless overestimation of one’s merits and an absolute reluctance to admit any shortcomings.

Inflated self-esteem does not always require the intervention of specialists. As one of the personality parameters, self-esteem is plastic; it tends to change throughout a person’s life depending on the events occurring in it. For example, it can increase greatly due to some major successes (in studies, creativity, etc.), or, conversely, sharply decrease due to a series of failures and failures. In both cases, the person adapts to new conditions, which causes such fluctuations in self-esteem. Under such circumstances, a person simply needs some time to adapt, after which everything returns to normal.

But sometimes time passes, and self-esteem remains high, from which a person begins to suffer, sometimes without noticing it.

The essence of the concept

Inflated self-esteem is a person’s overestimation of his capabilities, focusing solely on the success of any event in which he participates, and idealizing his own personality. Failures for him are nothing more than an accident, a consequence of unfavorable circumstances and the mistakes of others. And criticism is just a manifestation of envy on the part of others and unfair nagging.

This attitude often becomes the cause of conflict situations in which people with high self-esteem behave emotionally, are not restrained and do not tolerate defeat. This leads to difficulties in social adaptation: if they occupy leadership positions, they become tyrants and despots, and if not, they remain alone, since others do not want to communicate with them.

Such people are called self-confident, arrogant, arrogant. Although they prefer to talk about themselves in a more positive way (and this is understandable from the point of view of their self-esteem): “who know their own worth.”

According to the psychodiagnostic scale, three levels of inflated self-esteem are distinguished:

Above average. When a person values and respects himself according to the heights he has achieved, but at the same time is not always ready to admit his own mistakes and weaknesses.
High. When conceit comes from within and is not always dictated by real success.
Inappropriately tall. When self-esteem is too high, everything negative, including the truth, is denied, and the idealized and real image have little overlap.

The most problematic is the third level, as it often leads to personality and behavioral disorders - a diagnosis requiring psychiatric treatment.

Adequate self-esteem and level of aspirations

Self-esteem forms the individual's self-awareness. It consists of two components:

Cognitive. It reflects the information a person has received about himself;
Emotional. The component expresses the individual’s attitude towards himself (character, habits).

US psychologist W. James created the following formula: Self-esteem = Success / Level of aspirations.

Let's consider how the level of aspirations and success affect self-esteem. The level of aspirations is characterized by the desired level of self-esteem of an individual. This is the level that a person wants to achieve. It concerns profession and finance. Success is the result achieved by an individual. An increase in the indicator will occur through an increase in the result of actions or a decrease in the level of claims.

An adequate level is the ability to objectively assess oneself and one’s abilities. A person has an adequate understanding of his place in society, accepts his feelings and character traits, his pros and cons.

Nathaniel Branden, a famous psychotherapist, believes that healthy self-esteem gives inner stability and confidence, without which it is impossible to cope with life's challenges. He gives in his book “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem” six practices for developing healthy, adequate self-esteem.

Is it good or bad?

Inflated self-esteem cannot be considered only as a negative personality trait. In certain situations it can play a positive role. However, its negative impact on a person is still greater.

Why is it good:

Believing in yourself allows you to achieve heights and build a career.
While others think and doubt, these people are actively solving the problem.
A positive attitude towards yourself does not allow you to deviate from your intended path because of criticism or other people's opinions.
The absence of self-criticism and excessive delving into one’s own mistakes allows one to focus on something more important.

Why is that bad:

To achieve the goal, any means are used, even bypassing the norms established in society.
Difficulties in social adaptation. For them, there is only one true point of view - their own; they are deaf to the requests and opinions of others. This leads to loneliness. Conflicts lead to psycho-emotional exhaustion.
Painful and aggressive perception of criticism.
It is not uncommon for work projects to be disrupted because they take on tasks that are beyond their capabilities. This leads to career ruin.
Denial of self-improvement, self-development (why, if I’m already perfect?).
With frequent failures, neuroses, personality disorders and even suicide are possible.

Much depends on the level of self-esteem. If it is simply above average and commensurate with the real successes that a person has achieved, it does not disfigure him. But, if we are talking about inappropriate behavior, this can lead to mental disorders and is considered in psychology as a pathology.

Advantages and disadvantages

Overestimating oneself means that a person believes in his own abilities. Such people are not afraid to try new things. But blind faith leads to an inadequate perception of the objective world. That is why it is impossible to say for sure whether high self-esteem is good or bad.

Self-perception must be adequate. If you compare high and low pride, you should choose the first option.

Self-love is not as deserving of condemnation as lack of self-respect. (William Shakespeare)

Low self-esteem makes a person uncommunicative, withdrawn, and cowardly. Inflated makes him go forward.

Causes

Most often, inflated self-esteem is formed in childhood, in the process of upbringing. But it also happens that a person comes to it much later, when he achieves certain heights in his career and can no longer lower the bar for himself, even if at some stage he does not meet it. Psychologists give different reasons:

Raising one child in a family, who becomes the center of the universe, when all his desires are satisfied, his merits are exaggerated, and his shortcomings are hushed up.
Raising the first-born, on whom all aspirations and hopes are pinned.
Psychological traumas and children's complexes. Inflated self-esteem is a way of receiving positive emotions that the child did not receive from his parents.
Inferiority complex. When a person sees successful and beautiful people around him, but he himself is not, he begins to invent qualities for himself that he does not possess. This serves as a protection against self-destruction.
External attractiveness that leads to narcissism.
Excellent student syndrome.
In working conditions, when there is only one girl in the team (a guy/person with a higher education/specialist, etc.).
Career take-off, reaching certain heights.
Excessive wealth.
Leadership skills.
Fame and recognition: psychologists diagnose 99% of stars with high self-esteem.

These are the most common reasons, although situations in life are much more multifaceted. For example, a child may not have excellent external characteristics and may not be an excellent student, but if teachers, for some other reason, single him out from the rest of the class, he develops inflated self-esteem. Or the hobby for selfies, when all the photos are retouched through Photoshop and get thousands of likes, interferes with an adequate perception of one’s own real image, which is actually far from ideal.

Self-esteem and health

People with a low level suffer from a lack of positive emotions, so they have less energy and strength. Such a person often restrains his activity, so the energy does not come out.

Due to constant stress, an individual loses their appetite or has eating problems, which affects their weight. These people are often manipulated, as a result of which they develop a depressive state. Avoidance of responsibility leads to restrictions on physical activity, which negatively affects the condition of the lungs and joints. Inflated self-esteem also negatively affects health, since in case of failure the individual often develops depression, which leads to other problems.

It is important to have adequate self-esteem. Any deviation from the norm negatively affects not only relationships with others and self-realization, but also health.

Signs

Interesting fact: people with high self-esteem rarely consider themselves self-confident and arrogant. They believe that they perceive themselves objectively. But it costs others nothing to see such a person at the first conversation based on certain signs. The characteristics of this type of personality are quite voluminous.

People with high self-esteem:

confident in their own rightness;
seek to impose their own opinion;
reserve the last word in any dispute;
do not know how to apologize, do not admit their own mistakes;
constantly compete with everyone: colleagues, friends and even their significant other;
blame only those around them for their failures;
do not see their own shortcomings;
often use the pronoun “I” in conversation, communicate in an orderly tone, constantly interrupt, and do not listen to the end of the interlocutor;
never ask for help and never help anyone;
do not accept criticism;
always and everywhere express their own opinion, even if they are not asked about it, teach others, give advice to everyone;
selfish;
They don’t know how to calculate risks.

A person with high self-esteem is characterized by arrogant behavior, which often turns into aggression. Narcissists can be identified by the amount of time they spend in front of the mirror or with a selfie stick. Careerists, in order to achieve their goal, go over the heads of others, using any means, and do not tolerate competition. In personal relationships, the most important thing for them is self-actualization, when the interests of the other half are completely leveled.

How to communicate with such people

Dealing with narcissists is a rather difficult task, because few people like to constantly be bad, wrong and uninteresting.

Important! Don't be afraid to put people with high self-esteem in their place.

There is no need to be shy when dealing with a narcissist.

All communication with a narcissist should be based on your own self-confidence. When talking with such a person, you must adhere to the following rules:

there is no need to be afraid to defend your opinion;
You should not raise your tone when speaking;
body language must be kept under control;
no need to resort to insults;
Don't take anything a narcissist says to heart.

Communication with a narcissist should be as direct and precise as possible. When a conflict is brewing, it is better to end the dialogue.

Diagnostics

The difficulty in diagnosing high self-esteem lies in the fact that signs of psychological inadequacy are clearly visible to others, but not to the person himself. It is useless to tell him that he overestimates himself, his capabilities and potential. He won’t take it seriously and certainly won’t go to any specialized specialist.

In childhood, it is easier to recognize pathology, since most modern schools have psychologists who conduct various surveys and identify such children. Unfortunately, most often everything stalls at this stage. The diagnosis has been made, a conversation is organized with the parents, but the latter either do not want to see the problem (because they themselves are the hidden reason for their child’s inflated self-esteem), or they do not have time for psychotherapy and correction of the situation.

As an adult, either a consultation with a psychologist or special tests will help you understand that you have high self-esteem:

Morris Rosenberg;
Dembo-Rubinstein;
Sonerson;
Ponomarenko;
Gorbatova;
Kazantseva;
an adapted version of Eysenck's technique;
Leary and others.

Tests make it possible to independently identify pathology and determine its level. Sometimes this is the first step towards correction.

How to get rid of high self-esteem: advice from a psychologist

Unfortunately, when a person’s overestimated self-esteem prevails, he can hardly be called happy. After all, he loses contact with the real world and lives in some fictitious place of his own. Well, if you don’t attach importance to reality, then you shouldn’t be surprised that problems arise.

How to fix self-esteem?

So, if you want to make your life better and achieve what you want, it is important to understand how you can generally improve the situation.

Psychologists advise dealing with high self-esteem in the following ways:

Learn to hear others

You must realize that everyone is a unique person. Until you learn to appreciate this, no one will accept you. It is difficult and sometimes even impossible to communicate with someone who has his own priorities in life. Only people who exhibit victim behavior can accept this. So you should not act as you would not want to be treated. Learn self-control.

Show you care

Everyone has their own dreams, desires and needs. What you like should not be liked by others. Here you can never find who is right or wrong. Caring should be based on the person's needs, not yours. This will show that you notice him.

One interesting example is a mother who is overprotective of her son. Although he lives separately, she constantly comes to him, brings food and things that he does not need. He is mortally offended by all attempts at resistance and, of course, this affects his health. It turns out that mom seems to care, but too much, and doesn’t even allow her to breathe.

This is also how those who find themselves next to a person with high self-esteem feel. Only at the same time he also uses directiveness, as if claiming that he knows better what you need.

Therefore, the interests of those you care about must be taken into account.

Be wrong

How to lower self-esteem?

In this case, it means that everyone has the right to make mistakes and no one is perfect. It will be hard, but remember that sometimes losing is even better. No matter how difficult it may be for you, admit that you are not perfection and this sets you apart.

It's hard to live next to a person who is perfect in everything. Of course, this doesn’t happen, but you think differently. You don't want to be alone, do you? Therefore, you must be aware of your mistakes and accept, and also not shift responsibility to others.

Stop flaunting your assets

There is no need to specifically show off your strengths. People will definitely notice them. If you often brag and focus only on yourself, then you will not achieve anything except disgust and disappointment. They definitely won't love you. Well, if you also belittle others at this moment, then you are also guaranteed aggression.

Love yourself

Despite the fact that people with high self-esteem look like narcissists, they do not love themselves. They think differently, but they do it somehow “clumsily.”

Anyone who values himself will not tell everyone about his qualities so that they will be noticed. He doesn't care about outside assessments. Learn to be silent and take action. They will definitely be appreciated.

Self-criticism

If you have any failures or problems, then do not place responsibility on others. Think about what you yourself did that led to this result. There is no need to blame yourself, but it would be worth learning from mistakes and drawing conclusions.

Rivalry

If you are trying to seem better than others, then think about whether you need it? Understand that you must overcome your own limitations, and not assert yourself at the expense of others.

Of course, competition provides good motivation, but you only need to do it when there is a need. Competition just for the sake of competition doesn't look good. This leads you into a trap and deprives you of the joy of victory.

If you decide that you have high self-esteem and want to overcome it, then do not be afraid to contact your loved ones. They will help you correct your behavior and tell you what exactly you are doing wrong. Just be prepared for criticism, and you will also have to look at things realistically.

Correction methods

Correcting high self-esteem begins with identifying its causes and describing the main personality traits. It’s rare for a person to cope with this on their own, because such people believe that they have no shortcomings. If the level of star fever is slightly above average and is adequate, then this is possible. But in other cases, circumstantial and long-term work with a psychologist is necessary.

It is much easier to get rid of high self-esteem in childhood and adolescence. The peculiarity of psychologists’ work with such children is that it is not their behavior that is corrected, first of all, but the people around them. Parents and teachers receive recommendations:

do not spoil the child;
reduce the amount of praise. They should only be heard in the case of real and significant achievements;
do not single him out from other children;
point out his mistakes;
teach you to take responsibility for your own mistakes.

In parallel with working with parents and teachers, the psychologist helps the child in social adaptation so that he is not an outcast, learns to respect the opinions of others and makes friends. As a rule, the course of such a comprehensive correction ranges from 2 to 6 months, depending on the severity of the situation.

As an adult, dealing with high self-esteem is much more difficult. To begin with, a person must recognize the problem himself and try to identify its cause. If it goes back to childhood, it is better to immediately contact a specialized specialist, since these cases are difficult to correct. If self-esteem was formed much later, you can try to get rid of your egoism yourself through auto-training and affirmations.

Example. The reason for high self-esteem is external attractiveness. Correction methods:
compare yourself with more beautiful people, find your shortcomings (bad bite, excess weight, excessive makeup, provocative clothing, etc.);
stop photoshopping your own photos;
get rid of addiction to social networks and selfie-admiration;
refocus from external beauty to internal beauty.

Correction always depends on the specific case. If a person, having both high self-esteem and willpower, can begin to re-educate himself, then with blind narcissism without an iron character, the path lies exclusively through a psychologist. Conversations, testing, working with loved ones, auto-training aimed at an adequate and objective perception of oneself are the main methods of treating such patients. If there is a personality disorder, this is already the scope of psychotherapy.

The importance of self-esteem in a person's life

Self-esteem determines the level of success in all areas. Every decision or action depends on the size of your ego. If it is underestimated, a person is afraid to try something new. It's hard to unlock potential.

A person suffering from narcissism is willing to take on a difficult task. He firmly believes that he will accomplish it. If the “narcissist” fails to complete a task, he blames his colleagues/grading level/unfair conditions.

Are you ready to stop thinking about your problem and finally move on to real actions that will help you get rid of your problems once and for all? Then perhaps you will be interested in this article .

Features of self-esteem affect the following areas of your life:

relationship with a guy or girl;
achievements at work;
financial sector;
sexual contact;
relationships with relatives, colleagues, friends.

Others treat you the same way you treat yourself. If, in your opinion, a man married you out of pity, over time he will be visited by the same thoughts. Girls with high egos think they did a favor by getting married. The guy will either succumb to this mood, becoming henpecked, or break off the relationship.

The ability to position yourself is the secret to success at work. But don't overdo it. Inflated self-esteem will alienate colleagues.

People with an adequate assessment of their own body do not have problems in their intimate life. They are relaxed, not focused on themselves, but feel their partner.

Special cases

Children

As already mentioned, a child’s high self-esteem is associated with improper upbringing in the family or school. Therefore, correction is aimed primarily at working with parents and teachers. The younger the children are, the easier the course of correction is. Before adolescence, they still have high adult authority, so it is easier to instill healthy behavior and communication skills in them.

However, even here parents will have to be patient, since they will need to literally break both themselves (your child is not exceptional) and their child. Get ready for tears, rebellion, hysterics, but with an experienced psychologist all these corners will be smoothed out.

But correcting adolescents’ inflated self-esteem is more difficult. Pathology at this age has two directions: excellent student syndrome and narcissism. It is easier to work with the former, since, despite their inadequate perception of their achievements, they are still distinguished by high intellectual abilities and, with constant conversations with a psychologist, they begin to see their shortcomings. As practice shows, for some it is enough to show the results of a passed test for them to draw appropriate conclusions and begin to work on themselves (under the guidance of a specialized specialist, of course, and with the support of parents and teachers).

It can be much more difficult to cope with narcissism when a teenager has good external characteristics and considers himself irresistible. Firstly, from the height of their podium they do not notice and ignore others, so they practically have no friends. Secondly, their scale of values is formed incorrectly: appearance becomes the main thing in life, while intelligence, character, and inner world are left far behind. The consequences can be dire: love failures often lead to suicide, depression, anorexia, and drug addiction.

Despite the seriousness of the problem, psychologists have enough tools in their arsenal to return the child to normal life. The main thing is to do it in a timely manner.

Men and women

According to statistics, a man with high self-esteem is three times more common than a woman with the same diagnosis. The reason is the difference in their psychological types. Girls are prone to self-examination and pay too close attention to trifles and details. Even because of a harmless pimple, they begin to consider themselves real ugly, and 2-3 extra pounds turn them into fat and figureless (in their opinion). Therefore, most often, representatives of the fairer sex have low self-esteem.

Men, on the other hand, are always focused on performing only one task. If they need to make a career or achieve the woman they love, even with minimal intellectual and external data, they will go to great lengths to get what they want. Many of them are narcissists. Some were raised without a father in childhood, so they have a strong feminine element - this is due to the excessive care of mothers and grandmothers, who lamented: “Oh, how irresistible you are, and beautiful, and the best.” This thought remains the main one in the boy’s head for the rest of his life.

Men become unbearable in communication in two cases: if they occupy a leadership position and if they have a weak-willed wife who cannot fight back. They become real tyrants. In other cases, they experience their own narcissism within themselves.

Signs of high self-esteem in a woman do not depend on her social status: she will always have a bitchy character, unable to hide her self-love. Some constantly create conflict situations and behave aggressively. Others may remain arrogantly silent, but at the same time show with all their appearance their superiority over everyone else. However, for women, all these manifestations most often remain at the level of conversations and intrigues. Men, in particularly advanced cases, resort to extreme measures if someone does not recognize their ideality: they use physical (raise their hand against their wife) or psychological (apply pressure at work or simply fire) violence.

What should you be prepared for?

Be prepared for the fact that you will always be wrong; the best actions, gifts and lots of attention will be expected from you. They will be demanding of you. To be close to such a person and communicate with him, you must first of all have adequate self-esteem, but not inflated. Then there will be a return, and not a game with only one goal.

If you are incredibly irritated by people with high self-esteem, then this is a clear signal that the problem is with you. You simply have low self-esteem and, accordingly, feel disadvantaged and disadvantaged around such individuals. Correct the situation immediately. Read how to do this in my article “How to change a man’s attitude towards himself.”

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Factors influencing the formation of self-esteem

Inadequate self-esteem is always bad; it creates discomfort and problems for both the person himself and his environment. But can an individual be blamed for having a wrong self-image? Under the influence of what is self-esteem formed?

Social factors

The foundations of self-esteem are laid in childhood, from the moment when the baby becomes aware of his “I” and begins to compare himself with other children and adults. But in preschool, and even at primary school age, children cannot yet adequately analyze their qualities and their behavior, therefore the evaluative sphere is formed entirely under the influence of adults. Remember how V. Mayakovsky wrote: “The little son came to his father, and the little one asked: “What is good?” And what is bad?

Therefore, it is the wrong actions of adults that give impetus to the formation of inadequate self-esteem. Here are some of them:

unfair or excessive punishments;
unreasonable and too frequent praise;
constant comparison of the child with other children to show his weaknesses, inability, disobedience;
the position of a “king” in the family or a favorite at school;
emphasizing and focusing the child’s attention on his failures and mistakes.

Child psychologists believe that, in general, praise and encouragement are more beneficial, while constant reprimands and punishments are harmful. The fact is that we experience negative emotions more strongly than positive ones. And unpleasant sensations are stored in memory longer and have a stronger impact on our behavior. This happened in the process of evolution.

The opinions of people around us have a great influence on the formation of self-esteem and of an adult, especially when it comes to socially significant people whose opinions are important to us

Personal factors

The formation of self-esteem is also influenced by a person’s individual characteristics, the uniqueness of emotions, temperament, and character.

People with a sensitive psyche worry more about their failures and about the assessments of others than those who are less emotional.

A person whose melancholic traits predominate tends to get upset even over a minor random remark and remember it for a long time.
A phlegmatic person may not even pay attention to the remark.
Closed, unsociable introverts worry less about the assessments of others than sociable extroverts. On the other hand, extroverts, due to their tendency to demonstrate behavior, often suffer from inflated self-esteem. But people who avoid people and prefer solitude often consider themselves superior to others and despise those around them who are unworthy of communicating with them.

That is, individual personality characteristics certainly influence the formation of self-esteem, but its vector is determined primarily by the social environment. There is another important factor related to a person’s assessment of his own “I”.

Level of aspiration

We all strive for something in life, we set goals for ourselves. And these goals are different: some want to earn money for a new apartment, some want to create their own thriving company, and for others a trip to the sea is the ultimate dream. The degree of complexity, difficulty of a goal or task that a person defines for himself is the level of his aspirations.

Just like self-esteem, the level of aspirations can be adequate or inadequate. Adequate is one where goals correspond to human capabilities. If a school graduate with poor knowledge and low Unified State Exam grades decides to apply to a prestigious metropolitan university, then he clearly has an inadequate, inflated level of aspirations. And when a good student refuses to enroll in a higher education institution because he is afraid of failure, then his level of aspiration is too low. Both are bad.

The level of aspirations is formed under the influence of successes and failures that accompany a person on the path of life, and, in turn, affects the formation of self-esteem. After all, an athlete, constantly setting a bar for himself that he cannot jump over, will very quickly become disappointed in his abilities and in the ability to achieve success. And a low level of aspirations does not contribute to the development of self-esteem and self-confidence.

But psychologists still believe that a low level is worse than a high level and has a bad effect on the formation of personality and its position in society. It makes a person a socially passive loser who does not strive for success.

Don't trust them with personal information

It seems that such people ignore all the important information for you, but this is not entirely true. They remember painful moments for their interlocutor and will not hesitate to prick him if he offends them in any way. In addition, they will blurt out your personal secrets without a twinge of conscience - it just won’t even occur to them that they shouldn’t be advertised. But you are unlikely to get sincere sympathy from them. Most likely, they will nod their heads politely to your revelations and continue to talk about themselves to their loved ones. So what's the point?

Don't have confidential conversations with them.