Narcissism in men - 8 rules on how not to lose yourself

Narcissism is a character trait that manifests itself in inflated levels of self-esteem, narcissism, and the perception of oneself and one's qualities from an exclusive point of view, which often does not correspond to the real state of affairs. The very name of this psychological feature comes from the Greek legend about Narcissus, who preferred admiring his reflection to the love of a nymph, which is why he was turned into the flower of the same name.

In psychological and psychiatric practice, excessive development of narcissism is considered from the perspective of personality deviations and character accentuations. At the same time, many scientists say that every personality has a narcissistic part; the only question is the level of development of this trait and its impact on the overall quality of a person’s life. Depending on how narcissism manifests itself, it can be divided into destructive and constructive, pathological and normative.

It was previously believed that narcissism was an exclusively male trait, but recent research has shown that it is equally common among both men and women. Narcissistic accentuation is usually not an innate quality, but acquires pathological forms only under certain developmental conditions, however, there may also be hereditary prerequisites at the level of the nervous system, for example, ADHD may be the basis for this type of personality disorder. It practically never occurs in childhood. The first signs may begin to appear in adolescence, and most often in adolescence and adulthood. This is due to psychological trauma, the development of reflection, social environment and upbringing.

What is narcissism?

As a specialist told us, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a pathology that affects many people nowadays. Scientists have conducted research and found that about 8% of the total population of our planet is somehow susceptible to this disease.

However, without a diagnosis it cannot be said that a person has narcissism. According to the international classification of diseases, pathology can be identified by certain symptoms. Among them:

• a greatly exaggerated opinion of oneself; • the desire to have unlimited power and ideal relationships, like in the movies; • belief in one's “exclusivity”; • the need to constantly receive admiring reviews; • inventing your own special rights; • desire to exploit people • inability to empathize; • strong feelings of envy; • arrogance.

The presence of only five of these signs allows you to make a disappointing diagnosis and wonder whether you want a future with such a person.

All problems come from childhood

Narcissism is formed in early childhood, when the child understands that he himself does not deserve love. When a baby is shamed a lot and praised only for specific achievements, he quickly learns to “earn” love by saying or doing something that earns adult approval.

In the struggle for parental love, the boy seems to divide his personality into two parts: one deserves approval and, therefore, is more often exposed, the other is subject to censure and hides from others.

How to recognize a narcissist?

During a conversation with our publication, the psychologist noted that narcissists do not care what other people feel. And even if they offered to do something for you, then all these actions are carried out only for reciprocal admiration and praise addressed to them.

To recognize a narcissist, you just need to pay attention to his behavior. The expert gave us three main signs:

1. Extremely negative reviews about past partners, relationships, as well as verbose accusations against them of all “deadly sins.” 2. A person never admits his guilt and always tries to shift it onto another person or partner. 3. Narcissists always strive to quickly “attach” their partner to themselves on an emotional level.

Roller coaster

The first months of a relationship are the most memorable, as we know. A woman who becomes the chosen one of a narcissist will be amazed by his charm, patience and charm. He grooms beautifully and his behavior seems impeccable.

After a couple of months of relationship, the narcissist man disappears without warning. When asked by his partner about the reasons for the disappearance, he does not say anything specific and gets off with excuses about being busy and having a difficult period in his life.

Not understanding the reasons for the sudden cooling on the part of her lover (they must exist!), the girl begins to look for the problem in herself, call him and beg for a meeting. Once she has fallen into the trap, the narcissistic man waits a little and, when the woman is on the verge of despair, he suddenly appears on the horizon looking as if nothing had happened.

In this case, it is strategically important not to comment on the reasons for your disappearance.

What types of narcissists are there?

Each paradigm in psychology has its own classification of types of narcissism.

Here are some of them:

· An obvious narcissist is an aggressive-active type - a grandiose self-image, immorality, there are no moral laws for him, he often does not realize what he is doing, engages in posing, etc.

· Covert narcissist - hypersensitive, can cry while watching a movie and imagining himself in the leading role, reacts painfully to any criticism, hides his intentions.

· Narcissist Prophet - Believes he has magical powers or the gift of prophecy.

· Narcissist missionary - capable of creating his own religion or sect and tries in every possible way to forcibly convert loved ones to it so that they are happy.

· Enlightenment narcissist - convinced that belief in God is self-deception. And his attempts to prove this to his loved ones are his mission - to make humanity happy. He is unable to understand that those close to him are actually happy and do not need to be made happy.

· Perverse narcissists - the psychologist suggested focusing on this type, since not all people with NPD are dangerous, except for this type.

Treatment of male narcissism

Treatment of narcissism in men is carried out by a specialist in the field of psychology. An experienced psychotherapist or psychiatrist conducts individual or group trainings where such personality disorders are corrected. Psychotherapy is often supplemented with pharmaceutical medications.

A narcissistic man can negatively influence both the health and life of his partner in general, so it is important to recognize such a personality disorder in a new acquaintance. Knowing the characteristic signs of narcissism, it is not difficult to cope with the task and take adequate measures in a timely manner.

Who is a perverse narcissist and why should we be afraid of him?

The concept of “perverted narcissist” appeared in psychiatry thanks to the French doctor, specialist in victimology and criminology M-F. Iriguayen. He is also known as the author of the book “Moral Harassment.”

The most important distinguishing feature of this type of narcissism is their “brilliant” ability to turn any situation upside down, completely distorting its details, the conclusions of the partner and his vision of the same situation.

As Sasha Strogonova explained, the word “perverse” comes from the Latin “pervertere” - “to pervert” or “to turn out.” Therefore, we can conclude that this type of people subjects loved ones and friends to real moral violence. And the people around, in turn, cannot escape from this relationship without a crippled psyche and psychological trauma.

It is worth noting that this type of narcissist always chooses educated, self-confident, successful and cheerful people to play the role of their “victims”. And relationships with perverted narcissists for these people can result in serious psychological trauma that has to be healed over a long period of time. Sometimes the consequences are fatal, as victims of such narcissists fall into clinical depression or even commit suicide.

From one extreme to another

The psychology of narcissistic men is based on the see-saw principle: he is torn between two extremes:

  • I am perfection itself.
  • I am a complete nonentity.

The narcissist's successful facade hides deep inner dissatisfaction, feelings of inferiority and shame. A relationship with a woman who is in love with him, for whom he is the center of the world, briefly relieves him of his internal instability. Fueled by feminine energy, the narcissist feels in demand and successful. True, he is not capable of giving love in return, although he is quite capable of confidently feigning love.

How is each type of narcissist formed?

But what makes a person become a narcissist? We asked the psychologist what caused the development of this deviation. As it turns out, there is no specific “blueprint” for how each type of narcissist is formed. The reasons for the development of pathology originate in destructive relationships between parents and their young children.

Often the formation of narcissism occurs in a situation where parents refuse to accept the child for who he is. The child, on the one hand, seems to live his childhood with his parents, but on the other hand, he doesn’t seem to, because from an early age he feels neglected by his loved ones.

For example, a child may often hear the following phrases from parents:

· if you were beautiful, you would have more friends. · because you are dirty, not only your friends don’t want to communicate with you, but also me.

As a result, in order to adapt to society, the matured child redirects the neglect that he felt towards himself to his environment. Now he himself does not accept anyone. Roughly speaking, this is the work of a defense mechanism that is triggered due to the wrong actions of parents.

Another situation that can provoke the development of pathology is placing responsibility on a minor and expecting great achievements from him. The child is constantly told that he should become great, serious, famous, beautiful, and so on. That is, parents put into the child’s mind that he is special, unique, and others do not deserve his attention. Well, the minor himself gradually adapts and begins to play the role that his relatives impose on him.

And here the defense mechanism also works, and the child thinks: “I am loved only in the role of a great person.” So the child has to accept this, invent a new false identity, believe in it and reject the true self.

Precautionary measures

Proper upbringing plays a major role in the development of narcissism.

If you have a future man growing up, then you need to now take care of the rules of upbringing in order to avoid the young narcissist growing up.

  1. It is important that the child knows how to respect other people, as well as himself. It is necessary to rid him of excessive modesty and shyness, uncertainty in his own person.
  2. It is unacceptable to brag about his achievements to other people in the presence of a baby.
  3. Do not allow other relatives to praise your child too often.
  4. It is necessary to remind your baby as often as possible how much you love him.
  5. Teach your child what “no” and “no” are, even in situations when he begins to cry and be capricious.
  6. Both parents must respond correctly to their son's behavior, and their reactions must be the same.
  7. It is necessary to praise the baby only if there are actual achievements.
  8. Avoid quarrels and conflicts in the presence of a child.

Now you know what the signs of narcissism are. As you can see, such a person is obsessed with his person and appearance, in fact, he may not notice who is next to him. If life has brought you closer to a narcissist, do everything to change him or be content with the time spent with him without making plans for the future.

How others can communicate with a narcissist

None of us are immune from the fact that we will meet one or another type of narcissist along the way. However, knowing their techniques, you can protect yourself from psychological trauma. According to Sasha Strogonova, first of all, you need to remember that in communication, narcissists always inspire one simple thought: you always owe them in life. If a narcissist has done or lent you something, then in his understanding you owe him hundreds of times more.

Also, when communicating with a narcissist, it is necessary to understand the direction of his actions and methods of manipulation. Usually manipulation is aimed at the three most vivid human feelings - guilt, shame, fear. If while communicating with a person you feel one or more of these feelings at once, then be sure that you are being skillfully manipulated, which means the best thing you can do in this situation is to neutralize the communication or stop it altogether.

By the way, narcissists are often called energy vampires. Therefore, they need a person who is capable of strong energy output. After communicating with narcissists, such people may experience sleep disturbances, worsening appetite, and weight loss. And during communication, they may feel sudden dizziness and other unpleasant symptoms.

The lovers and friends of perverted narcissists begin to experience psychosomatic problems early on. And this happens even against the background of the apparent absence of problems.

Definition of the concept

Narcissism is a psycho-emotional state that can develop in men and women, which indicates that the problem is equally significant for both sexes. Personality disorder based on narcissism is characterized by a belief in one’s uniqueness, privileged position, and superiority over others. Those called narcissists have difficulty communicating. The communication skills of such people are leveled and reduced to projecting attention onto their person.

It is difficult for them to establish contacts due to the habit of looking down on others. It is even more difficult to maintain syntonic communication, which involves a combination of internal balance with sincere interest in the interlocutor’s words and emotional responsiveness. A narcissistic person is not familiar with such feelings and emotions, to understand who he is, it is enough to remember the history of the term.

According to ancient Greek legend, a young man named Narcissus, who was incredibly handsome, refused the love of the nymph Echo. The rejected nymph suffered so much from unrequited love that she lost her bodily shell. All that was left of her was her voice. The nymph turned to the goddess Nemesis with a request to punish the selfish, cold, arrogant young man. And Nemesis heard her pleas. One day, while hunting, Narcissus accidentally saw his own reflection in the lake.

He was amazed by his beauty and fell madly in love with himself. Since then, he preferred admiring his own reflection in the water surface to communicating with living people. Unable to tear himself away from the mirror surface of the lake even for a minute, he died on the shore from hunger and mental suffering. His body turned into a flower, which later received a name consonant with the name of the narcissistic young man.

A narcissistic man is a man who is pathologically in love with himself, one who finds endless pleasure in narcissism. He is sure that those around him envy him. He often envies people who have a higher social status or greater material values. The psychological portrait of a narcissist man reflects the essence of his worldview and life concept.

It is not difficult to distinguish him from a balanced, adequate individual. He is often arrogant with others, behaves arrogantly, clearly demonstrating superiority. Considers himself and everything connected with him to be unique. Sensitive to the opinions and assessments of other representatives of society. He often experiences discomfort if others, in his opinion, do not sufficiently praise his personal qualities and successes.

He is self-centered, lacking a sense of tact and respect for others. Without unnecessary modesty, he invades the private lives of strangers, behaves defiantly, and does not accept compromises if his personal interests are affected. Due to highly developed egoism, any purposeful action is dictated by selfish motives.

Relationship with a narcissist

Relationships with a narcissist are always dependent. The narcissist always chooses victimized people as partners. And since victimized people are very dependent, in a relationship with a narcissist they are... happy and unhappy at the same time.

And again we want to draw attention to perverted narcissists, since their tactics of “luring” into relationships are very sophisticated.

At first, a relationship with a perverted narcissist is like a “honeymoon.” He is attentive, charming, caring, romantic, gentle. Well, just a dream, not a partner.

This period goes well, but ends quickly. For some time, the narcissist somehow manages to hold back negative feelings in order to gain the trust of his partner, but then his patience runs out, and the true face of the narcissist is revealed to the person. Sobering sets in.

In a short period of time, from a gentle and loving person, the narcissist turns into a bitter and aggressive “creature” who attacks his victim partner not only psychologically, but sometimes also physically. The gradual devaluation and bullying of the partner on the part of the narcissist intensifies and he becomes a real “moral murderer” and an energy “vampire”.

It is not difficult to predict how such relationships will develop and how they will end. After all, the victim’s self-esteem is gradually destroyed, and the narcissist asserts himself at this expense. At the same time, victims cannot just pick up and leave, because narcissists diligently keep their partners close, constantly reviving the “honeymoon” that was observed at the very beginning of the relationship. But the calm, as a rule, does not last long.

By the way, the psychologist compared the self-esteem of a perverted narcissist to a bottomless hole into which both the admiration of others and his own achievements go.

Moreover, because of their pathology, narcissists feel helpless and embittered in their souls, and also endlessly experience a strong feeling of envy. The deceptive illusion of their own greatness does not allow them to perceive other people as equals.

Devaluing your partner's feelings

Another trick of the narcissist is to make their partner’s experiences seem meaningless.

Here is an example of a dialogue with a man of this type:

- Honey, you were gone for two weeks, I wrote and called, but you didn’t answer. What is the reason?

- I already told you, I was busy.

- Something happened? I couldn't find a place for myself...

- Let's not talk about this.

“You just made an appointment with me, I put off all my business, and you just disappeared.”

- Wow! And you are vindictive, as I see!

This is enough to make a girl doubt herself. Indeed, he was busy. He probably had reasons that he doesn’t want to talk about, and here she is with her interrogation. Maybe she really is making a mountain out of a mountain?

Disappearances, attacks of causeless coldness and detachment - from now on these are the companions of a love story with a narcissist. A woman's intuition tells her that something is wrong, but her partner remains unperturbed, and she doubts herself again and again.

On the other hand, a narcissistic man in a relationship really does not like it when the chosen one disappears from his field of vision without warning. He will call and express concern about her disappearance. One way or another, he will let her know that this behavior upsets him.

Ways to painlessly leave a narcissist

The only way to leave and get rid of psychological abuse from a perverted narcissist or another type of narcissist is to completely “cut off” any contact with him.

As Sasha Strogonova told us, even leaving such people is not always easy. The fact is that a person who has become persistently dependent on a narcissist experiences severe problems with self-esteem (after all, the narcissist literally trampled on it). Therefore, victims often have no idea how to move on. In such situations, people need the help of a psychologist who will not only draw up a plan for a painless break from a toxic relationship, but also help restore faith in people.

You need to understand that narcissists are people with serious mental pathology. Therefore, simply re-educating or changing their behavior by taking on the role of a “rescuer” will not work. And you should not tolerate such an attitude in the hope of the best - the situation needs to be radically changed by breaking up toxic relationships, emphasized psychologist Sasha Strogonova.

Possible reasons

Mistakes in raising a boy can lead to the development of narcissism.
In total, three main groups of factors influencing the development of narcissism are considered.

Anatomical factors include:

  • changes in brain structure;
  • a decrease in the amount of gray matter in the part of the brain responsible for feelings of compassion;
  • low activity in the area of ​​the brain where the feeling of empathy is formed.

Children include:

  • improper upbringing, in particular, pampering, permissiveness;
  • failure of parents to promote the development of healthy self-esteem in the child;
  • lack of discipline - the child does not know what is possible and what is not;
  • lack of support and approval from parents;
  • imposing a certain model of behavior by parents on a child by distorting facts.

Psychological factors include:

  • a changed value system under the influence of the media;
  • dependence on the opinions of other people;
  • low self-esteem;
  • psychological trauma;
  • mental disorder, in particular schizophrenia;
  • fanaticism, presence of an idol;
  • excessive care.

How bad is it?3

Such a disorder very rarely occurs on its own; in general, it is considered the result of the consumption of medications that affect the psyche, various neuroses, depression and other mental problems. Living with such a diagnosis is truly torture, and the world, in which illusion is the only acceptable reality, is very insidious and merciless.

Dreams are crushed, castles in the air disappear, and high hopes are not justified - depression lasts a long time. In this situation, what helps is not heart-to-heart conversations with friends and soothing tea, but a trip to a psychology specialist and a long course of therapy.

Narcissism as a character trait occurs much more often than people think and, unlike a severe disorder, does not bring danger to the individual. Self-confidence is the main indicator of the current narcissist.

Game of cat and mouse

If you want to be chased, run away. A sign of a narcissistic man is that he loves this game very much. True, the rules change at his discretion. The main thing he does is turn into a mouse and start running away.

The woman joins the game and catches up with him. This may be expressed in excessive initiative on her part, canceling her own plans for the sake of her lover, or the constant process of improving herself for his sake.

The wisest thing in such a situation is not to run after anyone, but, on the contrary, to leave everything as it is and look at the result. Most likely, if you refuse to play along with the narcissist in one way or another, you will be surprised to find that he will show himself (and pretend that nothing happened). Taking a step back and looking at the development of the situation means saving your strength and nerves and avoiding influence and manipulation.

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